My Mom Keeps Buying Me Expensive Jewelry I Never Wear

December 21, 2015 6:34 AM

My mom spends a great deal each year on a piece of jewelry for me. The jewelry is never my style and I never wear it. Seeing her is enough for me during the holidays, I don't need expensive gifts. These jewelry items are becoming a wasteful tradition. I don't know what to say.

I'm not ungrateful. I get that she wants to give me something beautiful every year and she puts effort into picking it out, and that makes me very happy and I feel fortunate to have a mother who cares about me and wants to do something nice for me. However, she's spending a large amount of money on these items and they are items that I would never pick out for myself or wear. I have no idea how to approach the subject with her. I see this happening again in the future and soon I'll have an entire collection of items that A. I don't want her spending so much money on and B. I would never wear.

Is there a way to tactfully broach the subject? I almost feel like asking her if we can do one gift for each parent and child next year and it needs to be something under $100. I feel like that would simplify Christmas and no one would feel anxious about getting everyone the 'perfect' gift and spending a fortune. We are a family of 5, parents are middle of the road middle class- they aren't struggling, but they are still supporting one of three children, helping to pay student loan balances, and are now taking care of an ailing grandparent. I guess the jewelry bugs me because it's so pricey and I feel like they could use that money for savings. Besides that it's never my style so it just sits in my jewelry box. It's starting to drive me nuts. Thoughtful suggestions would be appreciated

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

At the time of gift opening: "Oh, this is beautiful. Thanks, mom."

Later, in private: "Mom, do you know what the best gift you ever gave me was? You raised me as a strong, independent person with my own style. I know that you love giving me jewelry, but it's just not me. I love getting them, but... but I just never wear them. So it just sits in my jewelry box. I like [insert stuff you like here, the closer to jewelry the better], but mostly I like being here for the holidays with you."

Then let her talk. Discuss it a little, but if it gets acrimonious, shrug (to yourself) and let it go. You've told her what you want, and she's free to ignore it. Continue to be gracious, and squirrel the stuff away to give to someone else some day.
posted by Etrigan at 7:00 AM on December 21, 2015 [10 favorites]

I think it is a gift to certain types of people to let them get gifts for you.
The best way out of this jewelry cycle without offending your mom unnecessarily or being harsh is to provide a viable gift alternative.
Instead of setting out rules (like under $100) or telling her "no more jewelry," you need to suggest a category of gift that you would appreciate, that just happens to generally cost under $100.
To substitute for what your mom does now, it sounds like you will need to give her the latitude to pick something for you instead of you telling her exactly what it is.
Some people don't like being pointed to one particular thing to buy and like the process of thinking about you and picturing what you might like, so I think it would be nice to tell her a general idea of something more useful to you and then let her do the shopping and choosing.

But you do need to define what the gift should be and why you want her to choose it for you (ie she has good taste, you are too busy to do the research and you know she will pick the right thing, etc).

Here's a script:
"Mom, I really appreciate the jewelry you've given me. It's so thoughtful and nice, and now I have a great collection from you! I would love to start a new tradition where you give me [two of your favorite books/new dish towels/a warm sweater/a fun makeup product/XYZ] that you think I'd enjoy. I love your taste in X and I have been wanting new Ys so it would be great if that could be your present to me. Can we do that next year?"
posted by rmless at 7:04 AM on December 21, 2015 [16 favorites]

I think this is a case of giving gifts that you would like to have yourself. Even though we all try to give the perfect gift, it's awfully easy to pick out something in my own taste. The jewelry probably fits your mom's taste perfectly. This year, could you take one piece and regift it back to her? You could say "this is gorgeous, but I don't wear it because X (X=made up bs excuse that makes it your own fault, not hers.)

Also, if there is ever a chance that you will have a daughter or daughter-in-law, they would probably love to have these some day.

And then, have Etrigan's conversation.
posted by raisingsand at 7:06 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Explain that you feel so very lucky that you would like to help others in need...tell her to donate in your name and stress how happy giving to others makes you. That way you don't have to say 'Mom, I hate your jewelry'.
posted by The Toad at 7:19 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think you don't get to dictate what gifts people give to you, because they're gifts.

I'm sure she's noticed that you never wear this jewellery, so maybe she's just bad at giving gifts, but some people are.

I understand why you think she's wasting her money, but it's her money - it's not for you to say how she spends it.

I get that you're coming from a good place but I say eat the jewelry and be grateful. So to speak.

If it ever gets down to the wire for her like you're afraid it will, you can be the hero and sell some of your jewellery to save the day.
posted by tel3path at 7:30 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

Oh gosh, my Mom is ALL about giving me crap and she knows I HATE crap! Then she gets butt-hurt when I don't gush enthusiastically about it. This year, she wanted to give me a framed picture of me as an infant in 5 poses. She KNOWS I don't display these types of photos, hell SHE doesn't display these kinds of photos. Then my Dad steps in with "don't you want to go through the treasure in the garage and take some of it?" I swear to Christ, he said, 'treasure.' Subtlety is not the way to go here. "No, you know I'm minimalist, as a matter of fact, I'm trying to get rid of things in my house." Then my sister chimes in with, "Guys, you don't get rid of your shit by giving it to us!"

I'm not even going to get into the conversation I had about selling the wedding silver and china to Replacements. I mean there's the China and Silver which get used 3 times a decade, and it's worth about $3,000!

My sister just said, "wait until they die, then sell it."

I'm with you, jewelry is a scam. Over-priced and it actually has very little intrinsic worth. I'd give it a try. "Mom, I appreciate that you pick out these pieces for me and I love you for it. I'm just not a jewelry person. I know you can afford to be generous and I don't want to seem ungrateful. I hate to see you go through the trouble and then give it to someone who can't appreciate it. I just love being with you. Can we agree going forward not to spend so much money and instead work on making lovely holiday memories?"

I keep trying, and it's taken, to a certain extent. Now I get checks and I tell my mom the fun stuff we did with the dough. Positive reinforcement.

One thing you might want to do is to get your stuff appraised and then insure it. Just don't be surprised that something purchased at Kay Jewelers for $500 is actually worth $50.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:39 AM on December 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

I don't know if it's possible to set up something different as a tradition, but my mom and I do a thing every year where we spend a day / half a day shopping together. She's buying for me, I'm running my own errands as far as Christmas, and she's also shopping for other people.

So I basically get to say, you know, I'm really looking to replace my 10 year old coat this year, and my mom and I find a coat together that I like, she gets to give it to me, I get something I want and need, AND I get to spend time with my mom.

If this exactly isn't possible, maybe there is some kind of interaction that you could have over this kind of thing that would let you guide the situation more while also making it into an interpersonal reaction that you can enjoy. Yearly exchanging of the Christmas lists, and discussing what to buy for X person who is hard to buy for, etc.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:51 AM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

My mom spends a great deal each year on a piece of jewelry for me. The jewelry is never my style and I never wear it. Seeing her is enough for me during the holidays, I don't need expensive gifts. These jewelry items are becoming a wasteful tradition. I don't know what to say.

Say that.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:55 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

That is so sweet of her! Let her continue- it's one less thing that she has to think about. Put the jewelry in a safe place and, upon her death, allow all the girl relatives between the ages of 18 and 32 pick what they like as a keepsake. It will be a way of honoring her in life and in death.
posted by myselfasme at 9:13 AM on December 21, 2015 [9 favorites]

You know what, thank her and feel the love she is expressing. Then take all that nice jewelry and either safeguard it and designate a recipient who would like it in your will, or quietly sell it.

There are some difficult topics that aren't worth broaching because the potential pain they can cause far outweighs the benefit you might see.

You could at some non-Christmassy time of the year mention in casual conversation to your mom that you find your tastes are shifting and what you really love is [whatever.] If she doesn't pick up on it, so be it.
posted by bearwife at 9:13 AM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Do you think she'd be open to an amazon wishlist type situation? My mom gets my taste, but my MIL does not. I showed her my Amazon wishlist once and since then she generally buys an item from there or an item similar to there.
posted by notjustthefish at 9:15 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

For the past few years I've asked my parents to donate to a charity in lieu of a gift for my husband and myself. We've both picked designated charities we like and pass that info along to my parents. Gives us warm fuzzies, helps the parents know exactly what to give us, and eliminates the situation of them spending money on something we don't ultimately want or need. It does have an element of telling someone what to get for you, but I think when it's presented as a charitable thing, people don't take offense the same way as if you'd said, "Get me this sweater instead of an ugly necklace."
posted by Bella Sebastian at 9:57 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

If she really wants to get you jewelry and you two can get together in person, what if you went out shopping together? Then you could at least pick something you like plus maybe it could be a fun afternoon together, possibly with lunch.
posted by carolr at 10:03 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Hmm. This is weird for me because yeah, you can't dictate what people give you as gifts, but neither should you feel obligated to hold on to a bunch of stuff you will never wear. Especially if the stuff is worth money that you would actually use on something you like.

I would tell her once, gently, "I don't really wear this kind of jewelry and while I'd love to keep a few sentimental items, it's just not practical for me to have a box full of things I'll never use. I'd love to give you some other ideas..."

If she doesn't bite, well, I would not feel guilty about selling it. You can't dictate what she gives you, but a gift once given is your property. If you don't want it and won't use it, get rid of it.
posted by nakedmolerats at 10:06 AM on December 21, 2015

Just say "Thank you" and sell it on ebay.
posted by freakazoid at 11:33 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

If this is something you feel your mother does out of desperation or obligation, then use some of the good advice above.

If this is something she does for you that gives her pleasure, then don't deter her. Find a *local* charity with an annual auction and donate the gift each year. You'll even get a tax write off!

At the charity I volunteer for, I'd say half the items donated for our annual auction evening are unwanted jewellery and handbag gifts: boxed, unused, in their original packaging, and key earners for us.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:46 PM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

If it's genuinely nice and just not your taste, I would save it to give to a future daughter or niece.

If it's tacky and won't age well, I'd either sell it on eBay or talk to her about it. If talking won't get you anywhere then no need to make a big thing out of it, I guess
posted by easter queen at 6:19 PM on December 21, 2015

You've gotten a lot of good responses and suggestions for how to talk about it, but I just want to add: if there happens to be an element here of her thinking this is stuff you "should" be wearing, it probably won't change until she comes to terms with the fact that you aren't that person, for whatever reason. My mom used to do this and it didn't matter much what I said; she only stopped doing it when she finally accepted my being queer and pretty masculine-presenting, and now she gives me books (yay). So that may not be a factor at all here, but in case it is I want to mention it.
posted by thetortoise at 4:33 AM on December 22, 2015

I was honest with my mom, and told her I don't really wear jewelry, and that I feel guilty when she buys me lovely ornaments because I know I won't get proper use out of them. The tide of bracelets and necklaces has ebbed.
posted by Juliet Banana at 4:50 AM on December 22, 2015

I think it's a bit weird to assume, as other posters seem to be, that your mother is this delicate, porcelain flower whose spirit you will eternally shatter if you tell her politely that the jewelry is not your style. I don't think your mother is being willfully ignorant of the fact that you might have different taste than her, but I think some people get a little wrapped up in their own little worlds, or don't get that their children are different people than what they assume (as thetortoise demonstrates).

I think it's easy to pin the onus for this on you, but while your mother is blithely buying this jewelry for you, it's you that will have to live with it. These objects become little tokens of guilt and bad feelings for you as they accumulate over the years. My father-in-law would send my wife fancy/cheap swords and daggers, things that look like they belonged to the Klingon Liberace, year after year. Finally she had to tell him to stop. Clearly he got enjoyment from it, but my wife who could have dealt with one or two of them, did not need eight of them. We don't really know how to get rid of them, and especially when we moved to a tiny house, they became even more of a burden. I wince whenever I see them boxed up in our garage. They take up mental as well as physical space.

Finally my wife asked him to buy her something else, and he did, and it was fine. I had to have a similar conversation with my mother about the kind of home decor she was buying my wife for Xmas, whose tastes couldn't be more different. It was awkward, but it was for the best.

You may hurt your mother's feelings, it's true, but I think it's better to be honest and for her to have to make an effort to get to know you better.
posted by picea at 6:33 AM on December 22, 2015 [4 favorites]

It's jewelry. It lives in a jewelry box. It's not like it takes up rooms. Your upsetness over this seems to be more because your mom is spending a lot of money on this. Maybe she is thinking it may suit your taste when you are older, or you can pass it on to your daughter.

I would be heartbroken if my daughter took a tradition I'd been really enjoying for a decade and told me that not only did she not want to continue, she had never appreciated it in the first place.

If the issue is the jewelry is not to your taste, why not talk about the jewelry you do like with your mom? So she had more of a sense of whether you like silver or gold or whatever it is you don't like about her jewelry.
posted by sockeroonie at 1:52 PM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]