How to best assist elderly mother to manage her life?
November 29, 2015 9:29 PM Subscribe
My 80-year-old mother has been declining mentally in recent months. Recently she's been making some very poor decisions for herself, both financially and medically. I am her only child, I live with her, and I need to find some way(s) to get her to make better decisions, or to make them for her.
My mother is 80 years old. I'm her only child and have been living with her for the past 2 years, since shortly before my father died.
She was always very intelligent (PhD in Biology, ran her own lab, taught Anatomy & Physiology at the local college for many years), competent, and independent. She hates feeling dependent on or beholden to people.
However, her mental faculties are not as sharp as they once were. She realizes this at least some of the time, and has made unprompted comments about not thinking as well as she used to.
For a while now, I've felt she wasn't making the best decisions for herself, but I didn't feel it was to the point where I needed to step in. But based on a few incidents recently, I now feel we're at that point.
The scariest one is that she became ill on Wednesday morning but would not seek medical care. She was coughing up blood-tinged mucus, had the shakes, and was running a fever. She has COPD and uses oxygen 12 hours a day, so symptoms that affect her breathing are especially concerning.
I cancelled my plans for the day and tried to drag her to the doctor's to no avail. So instead, I spent the day caring for her since she couldn't do anything for herself. For the last several days, she'd been supposedly feeling better (I'm unsure whether she said this because she was actually feeling better or to get me off her case) and then worse, but still running a fever, sounding terribly wheezy, and just generally worrying the crap out of me. I finally told her today that if she didn't go to the emergency clinic, I would spend the entire day by her chair nagging her about it relentlessly.
She finally went this morning, was diagnosed with pneumonia, and given instructions to go to the ER if she felt even slightly worse. She seems significantly better already, thankfully.
I am so upset about this incident, by the idea that she endangered her life needlessly by refusing to seek care, by how helpless I felt watching her do this, and because I had to modify my own life significantly to respond to this, a fact she does not acknowledge.
Less scary, but also concerning, are some purchases she's made lately, for big ticket items, most recently a refrigerator. The previous refrigerator worked fine, but she bought an expensive new one with the idea that it would improve the resale value of the house. I asked whether she's researched how much one would get back in resale value for this particular purchase, and she hadn't. And more importantly, it's putting the cart before the horse; we have tons of other things to do to prep the house for sale, if it will even be possible to sell anytime soon (nothing for sale on our street is moving). There is still most of a lifetime's worth of stuff packed into the house, which we (mostly me) are slooowly selling/donating/trashing. This process is made slower than it needs to be because she over-values some of the stuff.
She's also failed to pay some bills, perhaps more than I realize. I found out about one because I happened to be home when she wasn't when a recorded "pay your bill or else get cut off" phone call came in. I was also shocked recently to see the cable bill on her desk and see how much she is paying for it still. We'd talked months ago about her getting the extra outlets taken off that are never used (she's paying for 5 but only ever watches TV in two spots). I just assumed she'd done so.
After a friend suggested it, I tried to have a conversation with my mother tonight about my having durable power of attorney for her medical decisions (I didn't even bring up financial issues at this time). Long story short, she doesn't want to. She seemed to willfully misunderstand the bottom line, waving me away by saying "you could always call an ambulance" as if that settles the issue. But I can't predict what situations might arise in the future, not all of which can be solved by calling an ambulance. And I want to have a document in place that allows me to step in and make decisions, not just when some doctors deem her incompetent but as needed.
I'm unsure what to do at this point. I could try having the conversation about power of attorney again, though I'm not sure how to get her to really even hear what I'm saying. I could try getting some legal entity to declare her incompetent, though I'm not sure she really is. She seems to be occupying a grey area right now.
Any advice either from a legal or personal perspective would be welcome.
My mother is 80 years old. I'm her only child and have been living with her for the past 2 years, since shortly before my father died.
She was always very intelligent (PhD in Biology, ran her own lab, taught Anatomy & Physiology at the local college for many years), competent, and independent. She hates feeling dependent on or beholden to people.
However, her mental faculties are not as sharp as they once were. She realizes this at least some of the time, and has made unprompted comments about not thinking as well as she used to.
For a while now, I've felt she wasn't making the best decisions for herself, but I didn't feel it was to the point where I needed to step in. But based on a few incidents recently, I now feel we're at that point.
The scariest one is that she became ill on Wednesday morning but would not seek medical care. She was coughing up blood-tinged mucus, had the shakes, and was running a fever. She has COPD and uses oxygen 12 hours a day, so symptoms that affect her breathing are especially concerning.
I cancelled my plans for the day and tried to drag her to the doctor's to no avail. So instead, I spent the day caring for her since she couldn't do anything for herself. For the last several days, she'd been supposedly feeling better (I'm unsure whether she said this because she was actually feeling better or to get me off her case) and then worse, but still running a fever, sounding terribly wheezy, and just generally worrying the crap out of me. I finally told her today that if she didn't go to the emergency clinic, I would spend the entire day by her chair nagging her about it relentlessly.
She finally went this morning, was diagnosed with pneumonia, and given instructions to go to the ER if she felt even slightly worse. She seems significantly better already, thankfully.
I am so upset about this incident, by the idea that she endangered her life needlessly by refusing to seek care, by how helpless I felt watching her do this, and because I had to modify my own life significantly to respond to this, a fact she does not acknowledge.
Less scary, but also concerning, are some purchases she's made lately, for big ticket items, most recently a refrigerator. The previous refrigerator worked fine, but she bought an expensive new one with the idea that it would improve the resale value of the house. I asked whether she's researched how much one would get back in resale value for this particular purchase, and she hadn't. And more importantly, it's putting the cart before the horse; we have tons of other things to do to prep the house for sale, if it will even be possible to sell anytime soon (nothing for sale on our street is moving). There is still most of a lifetime's worth of stuff packed into the house, which we (mostly me) are slooowly selling/donating/trashing. This process is made slower than it needs to be because she over-values some of the stuff.
She's also failed to pay some bills, perhaps more than I realize. I found out about one because I happened to be home when she wasn't when a recorded "pay your bill or else get cut off" phone call came in. I was also shocked recently to see the cable bill on her desk and see how much she is paying for it still. We'd talked months ago about her getting the extra outlets taken off that are never used (she's paying for 5 but only ever watches TV in two spots). I just assumed she'd done so.
After a friend suggested it, I tried to have a conversation with my mother tonight about my having durable power of attorney for her medical decisions (I didn't even bring up financial issues at this time). Long story short, she doesn't want to. She seemed to willfully misunderstand the bottom line, waving me away by saying "you could always call an ambulance" as if that settles the issue. But I can't predict what situations might arise in the future, not all of which can be solved by calling an ambulance. And I want to have a document in place that allows me to step in and make decisions, not just when some doctors deem her incompetent but as needed.
I'm unsure what to do at this point. I could try having the conversation about power of attorney again, though I'm not sure how to get her to really even hear what I'm saying. I could try getting some legal entity to declare her incompetent, though I'm not sure she really is. She seems to be occupying a grey area right now.
Any advice either from a legal or personal perspective would be welcome.
Response by poster: I should have included this in the post: she wants to move to an assisted living community. Doing so is predicated on selling the house. She would not be able to afford it otherwise.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 10:00 PM on November 29, 2015
posted by mysterious_stranger at 10:00 PM on November 29, 2015
Having recently watched a family member go through something similar with their own mother, I suggest you reach out to make an appointment with a lawyer specializing in elder law.
My family member happened to find a great lawyer. Because this person was a disinterested third party, who also happened to have a great "bedside manner," it made it much easier for the mother to really listen and take advice. The lawyer was very patient and explained all the various options for planning. The conversation was heavy on the practical and light on emotion.
After one visit, the mom, was far more willing to make arrangements for designating power of attorney, discussing living situation, etc... The process allowed the mom to maintain some control and decision making power over exactly how she would cede control.
Also lawyer might be able to help with setting up finances in the best way possible
posted by brookeb at 10:04 PM on November 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
My family member happened to find a great lawyer. Because this person was a disinterested third party, who also happened to have a great "bedside manner," it made it much easier for the mother to really listen and take advice. The lawyer was very patient and explained all the various options for planning. The conversation was heavy on the practical and light on emotion.
After one visit, the mom, was far more willing to make arrangements for designating power of attorney, discussing living situation, etc... The process allowed the mom to maintain some control and decision making power over exactly how she would cede control.
Also lawyer might be able to help with setting up finances in the best way possible
posted by brookeb at 10:04 PM on November 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
It sounds like she recognizes that her needs and abilities are changing, and is actually headed in a sensible direction on her own. Just maybe not perfectly; maybe because of issues she's just coming to grips with, and without full communication, probably because she's both worried herself, and (probably) worried about *your* worrying…
A way to start the conversation might be to ask her what her ideas are, and go from there, in a reactive, responsive, explorative way, vs. presenting her with a firm, ready-to-go plan. You could say, "this is an option, what do you think?"
Power of attorney is actually pretty limited - you can't use it to impose unwanted decisions on people. All it does is give you the authority to carry out their wishes, and obligations that are a bother for them - whether it's because they're incapacitated or on holiday or just not up to dealing with the bills that month. It's a way of making things easier for the person on whose behalf you're acting, not a declaration about their state of mind. Maybe presenting it to her that way will take some of the weight off that discussion.
This is hard, sorry you're going through it.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:37 PM on November 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
A way to start the conversation might be to ask her what her ideas are, and go from there, in a reactive, responsive, explorative way, vs. presenting her with a firm, ready-to-go plan. You could say, "this is an option, what do you think?"
Power of attorney is actually pretty limited - you can't use it to impose unwanted decisions on people. All it does is give you the authority to carry out their wishes, and obligations that are a bother for them - whether it's because they're incapacitated or on holiday or just not up to dealing with the bills that month. It's a way of making things easier for the person on whose behalf you're acting, not a declaration about their state of mind. Maybe presenting it to her that way will take some of the weight off that discussion.
This is hard, sorry you're going through it.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:37 PM on November 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Brace yourself - things are going to be tricky between you and your mother as long as she is in the this grey area. You can't prevent her from making decisions that you disagree with. All you can do is to be there as a supportive voice to give her perspective. I don't know what kind of teen you were but most of us when through a stage where we weren't making the best decisions but really didn't want our parents telling us what to do. Your mother still wants a sense of control over her life and her decisions - the more you can show that you respect that, the easier it will be to influence her.
On the medical side, the goal is not to override her decisions (most doctors won't do something that a patient refuses unless the patient is clearly incompetent) The real question is if she can't make her own decisions, does she want you to do or does she want to leave up to the doctors to decide for her? For example, most elderly don't want to be a vegetable on extended life support with no hope of recuperation but that can easily happen if the doctor feels obliged to do anything possible to extend life. The way out is for her to do an advance health care directive which includes both her preferences and the authority for you to act on her behalf if she can't. So, emphasize that this is not about you deciding things for her, it is about you being her voice if she can't.
Good luck. If you two have a good relationship, she will be influenced by the fact that you love and care about her. If may be awkward but I really hope that in the end it goes OK for you.
posted by metahawk at 10:39 PM on November 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
On the medical side, the goal is not to override her decisions (most doctors won't do something that a patient refuses unless the patient is clearly incompetent) The real question is if she can't make her own decisions, does she want you to do or does she want to leave up to the doctors to decide for her? For example, most elderly don't want to be a vegetable on extended life support with no hope of recuperation but that can easily happen if the doctor feels obliged to do anything possible to extend life. The way out is for her to do an advance health care directive which includes both her preferences and the authority for you to act on her behalf if she can't. So, emphasize that this is not about you deciding things for her, it is about you being her voice if she can't.
Good luck. If you two have a good relationship, she will be influenced by the fact that you love and care about her. If may be awkward but I really hope that in the end it goes OK for you.
posted by metahawk at 10:39 PM on November 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
This previous thread may be helpful: Advice on Assisted Living Facilities
posted by Little Dawn at 10:42 PM on November 29, 2015
posted by Little Dawn at 10:42 PM on November 29, 2015
Is there an option for her to move to assisted living and then sell the house? That breaks it down into two parts - the first part is to figure out what she wants to have with her in the smaller assisted living apartment and then the second part is to clear out the house after she has already moved out. If she doesn't need the money from the house to cover the first year of AL that might make the process much less stressful on both of you.
In our area, independent living usually has a huge buy-in but assisted living is month-to-month so this is how we are approaching the problem.
posted by metahawk at 10:44 PM on November 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
In our area, independent living usually has a huge buy-in but assisted living is month-to-month so this is how we are approaching the problem.
posted by metahawk at 10:44 PM on November 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is maybe too obvious to even say, so I apologize if the answer is 'yes, of course.' But do you know what she wants to do in various medical emergency situations, and are you prepared to advocate for her wishes when they aren't the same as yours, and when she might never know if you did or didn't? It's not clear from this if you've gone over with her what her thoughts are, but she's not going to put you in charge of her medical decisions if she thinks you don't respect her right to refuse care. I am not assuming that because of her age, she necessarily would want to refuse care when she's thinking clearly, but it's one reason for old people to resist giving away control to their children, specifically, because children are often not trustworthy in this regard. & even if the answers are all Yes, make sure she knows it and hasn't forgotten it if she knew it before.
Presenting it as a way for you to 'step in and make decisions,' although I know what you mean, is a terrible way to sell it to her - what it is is a way for her decisions to be respected even when she isn't able to speak for herself. she doesn't want to be dependent? well, without the paperwork in place, she's giving up all control over her own treatment to strangers -- tell her that you're not asking for control over her, you're asking for the authority to act as her agent with doctors on whom she will otherwise be totally dependent. This kind of framing is what my mom responded well to, although if you do sell it this way it has to be sincere.
(and following on that, does she have no one else she might want to designate as her health care proxy or power of attorney? Even if you're realistically the best choice as her only child, it would make anybody resistant to be told they have to give over this control to the very person who's pushing them to give it. )
financial stuff: again, this is very personality-dependent so this is just a thought based on my experiences with my own mother: don't let on that you're shocked and upset about anything you discover re: unpaid bills. if she's keeping anything from you deliberately, it's because of shame over not paying things. Absolute (pretended) calm and matter-of-factness is what will convince her it's ok to give you access, if anything will. If she is or becomes afraid that you will use her financial disorganization as evidence of her incompetence, she will never give in.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:46 PM on November 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
Presenting it as a way for you to 'step in and make decisions,' although I know what you mean, is a terrible way to sell it to her - what it is is a way for her decisions to be respected even when she isn't able to speak for herself. she doesn't want to be dependent? well, without the paperwork in place, she's giving up all control over her own treatment to strangers -- tell her that you're not asking for control over her, you're asking for the authority to act as her agent with doctors on whom she will otherwise be totally dependent. This kind of framing is what my mom responded well to, although if you do sell it this way it has to be sincere.
(and following on that, does she have no one else she might want to designate as her health care proxy or power of attorney? Even if you're realistically the best choice as her only child, it would make anybody resistant to be told they have to give over this control to the very person who's pushing them to give it. )
financial stuff: again, this is very personality-dependent so this is just a thought based on my experiences with my own mother: don't let on that you're shocked and upset about anything you discover re: unpaid bills. if she's keeping anything from you deliberately, it's because of shame over not paying things. Absolute (pretended) calm and matter-of-factness is what will convince her it's ok to give you access, if anything will. If she is or becomes afraid that you will use her financial disorganization as evidence of her incompetence, she will never give in.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:46 PM on November 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
Well said, queenofbithynia. An approach along the lines of "let me help with the bills" vs. "you're in need of intervention" is much more likely to be well-received.
And second, also, asking yourself whether you could actually carry out her wishes. I know I couldn't do it for my mom; that is why I don't have power of attorney for personal care, for her.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:49 PM on November 29, 2015
And second, also, asking yourself whether you could actually carry out her wishes. I know I couldn't do it for my mom; that is why I don't have power of attorney for personal care, for her.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:49 PM on November 29, 2015
You're on soft ground here. There is a huge difference between her being incompetent and her not doing what you tell her to do. You don't think she's incompetent. You want to be able to step in "as needed"? What does that mean? When she disagrees with you?
She did not go the doctor as wanted. Many, many people with their full mental faculties do not go to the doctor when they should. She bought a refrigerator without consulting you - presumably with her own money so there's no real reason she needs to ask your permission to purchase an appliance for a house she owns. Regarding her bills, it's troubling that she missed a payment. It's also odd that you're reading her cable bill.
I understand that you are worried about her. It sounds like the best course of action is to expedite moving her to a care facility that can assess her capabilities to make her own decisions. You don't get to override her agency until she's incompetent to make decisions for herself - even if you disagree with those choices.
posted by 26.2 at 11:42 PM on November 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
She did not go the doctor as wanted. Many, many people with their full mental faculties do not go to the doctor when they should. She bought a refrigerator without consulting you - presumably with her own money so there's no real reason she needs to ask your permission to purchase an appliance for a house she owns. Regarding her bills, it's troubling that she missed a payment. It's also odd that you're reading her cable bill.
I understand that you are worried about her. It sounds like the best course of action is to expedite moving her to a care facility that can assess her capabilities to make her own decisions. You don't get to override her agency until she's incompetent to make decisions for herself - even if you disagree with those choices.
posted by 26.2 at 11:42 PM on November 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
On a re-read
I get that in order to carry out her wishes, the sale needs to happen, and part of your concern is that given the way things are going, either it won't, or you won't get the value you need to support her plan.
Still, strong-arming your mom is the opposite of what is going to be helpful. First of all, she wouldn't be found incompetent, if what you've related is the worst of it. Secondly, it's a long process (that, at least where I am, involves evaluation by several experts and a judge). It's also oppositional, and would destroy your mom's trust in you, which I think is not a great way to spend these years, and would probably be hard for you to carry, later on.
It's really better to work with your mom, as much as possible (and 2nding 26.2, letting medical staff who'll be seeing her work out whether she's competent or not).
That means leaving her at the centre of her decisions. Even tedious decisions about the price of a lamp. It means listening, responding, being patient, always. Acclimating yourself to her changing moods and maybe new patterns; waiting for a good time before making a suggestion; presenting it in the way you guess will be most agreeable to her, at that moment.
It is a metric ton of emotional labour, especially if you share a living space. It is still, in my opinion, less likely to be costly in terms of both time and emotions than having her declared incompetent, when she's not - which still may not get the house sold faster or for a better price. (Maybe by working with her, you could persuade her to talk to a real estate agent about where to focus energy on upgrades, for example. [although fwiw your mom's not wrong about kitchens mattering] .)
I am so upset about this incident, by the idea that she endangered her life needlessly by refusing to seek care, by how helpless I felt watching her do this, and because I had to modify my own life significantly to respond to this, a fact she does not acknowledge.
What happened in this conversation? Did you try to guilt her a bit? Maybe as a way of trying to get her to acknowledge her weakness? It is terrifying to see your parent ailing and changing, especially at your mom's age. But expressing that fear - especially if it's coloured by anger at her, for putting herself at risk - is giving her another burden, in addition to what's ahead for her, and (again seconding queenofbithynia) making it less likely she'll be willing to share with you and include you in decisions that affect you both. "Absolute (pretended) calm and matter-of-factness" is 100% the way to go. Your mom's really driving the bus, here, and it'll take the time it takes.
I think it's crucial for you to get support where you can, through this (ideally, from sibs and friends going through similar things), because it is some of the hardest work you'll ever do.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:16 AM on November 30, 2015
I get that in order to carry out her wishes, the sale needs to happen, and part of your concern is that given the way things are going, either it won't, or you won't get the value you need to support her plan.
Still, strong-arming your mom is the opposite of what is going to be helpful. First of all, she wouldn't be found incompetent, if what you've related is the worst of it. Secondly, it's a long process (that, at least where I am, involves evaluation by several experts and a judge). It's also oppositional, and would destroy your mom's trust in you, which I think is not a great way to spend these years, and would probably be hard for you to carry, later on.
It's really better to work with your mom, as much as possible (and 2nding 26.2, letting medical staff who'll be seeing her work out whether she's competent or not).
That means leaving her at the centre of her decisions. Even tedious decisions about the price of a lamp. It means listening, responding, being patient, always. Acclimating yourself to her changing moods and maybe new patterns; waiting for a good time before making a suggestion; presenting it in the way you guess will be most agreeable to her, at that moment.
It is a metric ton of emotional labour, especially if you share a living space. It is still, in my opinion, less likely to be costly in terms of both time and emotions than having her declared incompetent, when she's not - which still may not get the house sold faster or for a better price. (Maybe by working with her, you could persuade her to talk to a real estate agent about where to focus energy on upgrades, for example. [although fwiw your mom's not wrong about kitchens mattering] .)
I am so upset about this incident, by the idea that she endangered her life needlessly by refusing to seek care, by how helpless I felt watching her do this, and because I had to modify my own life significantly to respond to this, a fact she does not acknowledge.
What happened in this conversation? Did you try to guilt her a bit? Maybe as a way of trying to get her to acknowledge her weakness? It is terrifying to see your parent ailing and changing, especially at your mom's age. But expressing that fear - especially if it's coloured by anger at her, for putting herself at risk - is giving her another burden, in addition to what's ahead for her, and (again seconding queenofbithynia) making it less likely she'll be willing to share with you and include you in decisions that affect you both. "Absolute (pretended) calm and matter-of-factness" is 100% the way to go. Your mom's really driving the bus, here, and it'll take the time it takes.
I think it's crucial for you to get support where you can, through this (ideally, from sibs and friends going through similar things), because it is some of the hardest work you'll ever do.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:16 AM on November 30, 2015
Imagine the person doing this was not your mother, but was instead an extremely annoying and somewhat irresponsible roommate. Would you still think said roommate should be (maybe) declared incompetent? Not from the stories you're telling-- not from this side of the computer screen anyhow. I mean, I generally refuse to go to the doctor until practically carried into the emergency room, and that has nothing to do with my age.
From my own painful experience with my father in his last years, the more I pushed him to be "responsible", the more he went online and bought useless and expensive gadgets. I realise now that by pushing him so hard, I gave him someone to react against and conveniently an excuse for him to not take his own responsibility. I would suggest help in the form of counselling to get some advice about how best to help her and still take care of yourself at the same time (put on your own oxygen mask first, etc.).
Much sympathy in any case. I've been there and it isn't easy.
posted by frumiousb at 4:11 AM on November 30, 2015
From my own painful experience with my father in his last years, the more I pushed him to be "responsible", the more he went online and bought useless and expensive gadgets. I realise now that by pushing him so hard, I gave him someone to react against and conveniently an excuse for him to not take his own responsibility. I would suggest help in the form of counselling to get some advice about how best to help her and still take care of yourself at the same time (put on your own oxygen mask first, etc.).
Much sympathy in any case. I've been there and it isn't easy.
posted by frumiousb at 4:11 AM on November 30, 2015
Hey. I'm in a similar shitty boat as you right now with my mom. If your mom hasn't been to her pulmonologist lately, make her an appointment. Her oxygen may need to be adjusted. They may or may not have checked this in the ER. Lack of oxygen really messes with thinking.
In the last year my mom went from only needing oxygen when active, to needing it when sleeping, to needing 2 liters 24/7, to now being on 4 or 5 liters 24/7 and 6 liters when attempting to do anything. It can be a rapid progression - people can plateau and be stable for years and then the bottom falls out. My mom's mental clarity has turned to complete shit over the past three months. The worst thing is that she is now aware of it all the time. We're in the process of setting up all the legal stuff and working out schedules for bill paying so I can take care of scheduling payments.
My mother is horrible about seeking emergency care at this point. Part of it is just that there's not much they can really do for her and she feels so bad right now there are times she'd rather die. I've really had to make peace with the idea that at some point that is a choice she will actively make by specifically not seeking care. We're in the process of trying to determine at what point she makes that decision.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 4:19 AM on November 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
In the last year my mom went from only needing oxygen when active, to needing it when sleeping, to needing 2 liters 24/7, to now being on 4 or 5 liters 24/7 and 6 liters when attempting to do anything. It can be a rapid progression - people can plateau and be stable for years and then the bottom falls out. My mom's mental clarity has turned to complete shit over the past three months. The worst thing is that she is now aware of it all the time. We're in the process of setting up all the legal stuff and working out schedules for bill paying so I can take care of scheduling payments.
My mother is horrible about seeking emergency care at this point. Part of it is just that there's not much they can really do for her and she feels so bad right now there are times she'd rather die. I've really had to make peace with the idea that at some point that is a choice she will actively make by specifically not seeking care. We're in the process of trying to determine at what point she makes that decision.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 4:19 AM on November 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
The other thing is that if she was married to and living with your father at the time he died - maybe even if she wasn't - her behavior now probably has everything to do with how and where he died and whether she wants to have a similar experience when her time comes or be as far from it as humanly possible. Like: if he died in the hospital and if it was awful, you can bank on her resisting any and all efforts to get her to go there when she thinks she might not be allowed to come home again. If that is the case, that is an acutely rational choice. Or: if he died at home, maybe that's part of why she wants to go to assisted living, even though many people in her position would be resisting it hard. (not that you wouldn't know this if it's the case.) It's very likely why she's not telling you anything she's not telling you about how she feels about her own imagined future illness and death. Even a medical professional might not be able to tell you how much of her behavior now is age-related decline and how much is the effect of this trauma.
also, the financial stuff she's not keeping up with, was she handling all of it all herself all along, or was your father doing any of it when he was alive? & was she the one making the medical decisions for him at the end of his life, or were you, or was he in control right up until the end? That, too, is probably a huge factor.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:23 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
also, the financial stuff she's not keeping up with, was she handling all of it all herself all along, or was your father doing any of it when he was alive? & was she the one making the medical decisions for him at the end of his life, or were you, or was he in control right up until the end? That, too, is probably a huge factor.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:23 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I took care of my mom until alzheimers and dementia made her a danger to me. Itake care of someone who needs an advocate and I do that. Reading all your mom's bills is not odd at all, especially her cable bill. You have to go to the loyalty department of the cable company to advocate a set price for the services she receives, or else they will drop off special offers and raise her bill nearly monthly if she has this on auto pay they will simply rob her. You can get a set of reminders about how to approach elderly parents and the things they most complain about as their children start to help them cope with age. Your local aging services might have some material, or a home care out fit. I bet you can find this on the web. I will try to find one for you and post a link later in this thread. They need help but the relationship of parent /child has to stay intact with the child exhibiting a great deal of grace and consideration, by that means the parent will finally trust your care. Parents may think by going into assisted living they can escape the shift in relation, but they wil need you even more in some one else's care who makes an astronomical income off of providing care, that may or may not be good.
posted by Oyéah at 8:20 AM on November 30, 2015
posted by Oyéah at 8:20 AM on November 30, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
And I'm sorry. Good luck caring for your mother and yourself.
posted by pintapicasso at 9:54 PM on November 29, 2015