Dangerously teetering on shut-in
August 12, 2006 8:40 PM Subscribe
How to get my parents engaged in life again...
Sorry this is long.
Mom and dad are in their mid 60's, and both have significant health issues. Mom has had a few strokes, although she is doing remarkably well (some ST memory loss, sone issues with her left hand from time to time). Dad has cardiac issues and major surgery to correct an aortic aneurism that has left him with a restricted blood-flow to his legs. So, he is a tall, big man and he had a great deal of difficulty walking for more than 200 yards or so (he has looked into getting this issue corrected, but no MD will touch it). Needless to say, they have physical restrictions.
To make matters worse, they moved into a house on a lake about an hour our hometown- a dream at one point. There is a dock and a deck and a little motorized party-boat type thing... problem is they don't use any of this. They don't do anything anymore, and they are in the middle of nowhere. They watch TV, they doze off, they take rides through the country, they go to church, they go out to eat.
This might be fine for most people, but Mom and Dad are constantly complaining of being tired, or sick, or both. I think a lot of it has to do with their extremely sedentary lifestyle. When I call I encourage them to go swim in the lake (when in season), or take a walk around. Dad insists he can't for many reasons (most of them valid-see above), and mom will not wander around in the woods alone.
They have an exercise bike. They have a Nordic Trak. They never use them. When I visit (I am about 4 hours away), I suggest walks/swims, etc. to no avail. There are no community centers where they are, and the church they attend is so small that shares priests with another parish, so that community is almost non-existent. They are "waiting to get the Internet" because they, ostensibly, want to move at some point, although when I ask them about the moving, they say that they are "waiting" to do that. For what? Who knows.
I think they might be depressed, but they see no less than 5 doctors apiece. They are not likely to see any more on top of that. They are just so isolated, with the nearest family member an hour away.
This sounds like an impossible situation, and it is really starting to feel like it. A friend's mother just died at 51, so I am thinking about the fact that it seems like Mom and Dad are sort of giving up and sealing themselves off.
Any ideas of any sort, for me or them, would be appreciated.
Sorry this is long.
Mom and dad are in their mid 60's, and both have significant health issues. Mom has had a few strokes, although she is doing remarkably well (some ST memory loss, sone issues with her left hand from time to time). Dad has cardiac issues and major surgery to correct an aortic aneurism that has left him with a restricted blood-flow to his legs. So, he is a tall, big man and he had a great deal of difficulty walking for more than 200 yards or so (he has looked into getting this issue corrected, but no MD will touch it). Needless to say, they have physical restrictions.
To make matters worse, they moved into a house on a lake about an hour our hometown- a dream at one point. There is a dock and a deck and a little motorized party-boat type thing... problem is they don't use any of this. They don't do anything anymore, and they are in the middle of nowhere. They watch TV, they doze off, they take rides through the country, they go to church, they go out to eat.
This might be fine for most people, but Mom and Dad are constantly complaining of being tired, or sick, or both. I think a lot of it has to do with their extremely sedentary lifestyle. When I call I encourage them to go swim in the lake (when in season), or take a walk around. Dad insists he can't for many reasons (most of them valid-see above), and mom will not wander around in the woods alone.
They have an exercise bike. They have a Nordic Trak. They never use them. When I visit (I am about 4 hours away), I suggest walks/swims, etc. to no avail. There are no community centers where they are, and the church they attend is so small that shares priests with another parish, so that community is almost non-existent. They are "waiting to get the Internet" because they, ostensibly, want to move at some point, although when I ask them about the moving, they say that they are "waiting" to do that. For what? Who knows.
I think they might be depressed, but they see no less than 5 doctors apiece. They are not likely to see any more on top of that. They are just so isolated, with the nearest family member an hour away.
This sounds like an impossible situation, and it is really starting to feel like it. A friend's mother just died at 51, so I am thinking about the fact that it seems like Mom and Dad are sort of giving up and sealing themselves off.
Any ideas of any sort, for me or them, would be appreciated.
Could you provide a bit more context? Where did they live before? What kind of lifestyle did they have? How long have they been at their new home? When did they retire?
posted by acoutu at 9:10 PM on August 12, 2006
posted by acoutu at 9:10 PM on August 12, 2006
It could be depression, it could also be that their health problems make it difficult to get out and enjoy things. It could also be that in their retirement, they just enjoy hanging out and puttering around their house.
An hour away from relatives is really not a big deal at all. If you want to try & get them to enjoy things, why not try & visit them more often? Maybe try to establish a monthly routine of visiting them (maybe with some other relatives), helping to cook a family meal, go outside and enjoy the lake in nice weather, and just have a good time. I think this is the type of thing adults in retirement really enjoy - I do see my retired parents feeling isolated and somewhat bored when it's just them, but they enjoy the activity of having their younger relatives around.
Additionally, if you want your parents to get on the internet, why not buy it for them & set it up as a holiday/birthday/whatever present? My fiance got his grandparents a year of DSL this past Christmas, and set it up for them, and it's really made it a lot easier for them to stay in touch and look things up.
Also, when you give them gifts (and you don't always need a "reason"), get them tickets to things like a sporting event they might like, a play, a concert, etc.
Basically, you can't just ask people to change how they are. Many people sink into a boring routine when left alone. But there is nothing stopping you from being a fun & loving child who invites them to have fun and do things on a regular basis. It sounds like you really care about them, and I think this is really the way to feel better about how they are doing, and also how to make sure that you contine to do things that are memorable and give them a reason to feel like life is still enjoyable and vibrant after 60.
posted by tastybrains at 9:31 PM on August 12, 2006
An hour away from relatives is really not a big deal at all. If you want to try & get them to enjoy things, why not try & visit them more often? Maybe try to establish a monthly routine of visiting them (maybe with some other relatives), helping to cook a family meal, go outside and enjoy the lake in nice weather, and just have a good time. I think this is the type of thing adults in retirement really enjoy - I do see my retired parents feeling isolated and somewhat bored when it's just them, but they enjoy the activity of having their younger relatives around.
Additionally, if you want your parents to get on the internet, why not buy it for them & set it up as a holiday/birthday/whatever present? My fiance got his grandparents a year of DSL this past Christmas, and set it up for them, and it's really made it a lot easier for them to stay in touch and look things up.
Also, when you give them gifts (and you don't always need a "reason"), get them tickets to things like a sporting event they might like, a play, a concert, etc.
Basically, you can't just ask people to change how they are. Many people sink into a boring routine when left alone. But there is nothing stopping you from being a fun & loving child who invites them to have fun and do things on a regular basis. It sounds like you really care about them, and I think this is really the way to feel better about how they are doing, and also how to make sure that you contine to do things that are memorable and give them a reason to feel like life is still enjoyable and vibrant after 60.
posted by tastybrains at 9:31 PM on August 12, 2006
Perhaps this is more of a disruption than it's worth, but it seems they're not able to enjoy the things in their environment which are most enjoyable -- primarily for health reasons.
Is is feasible to have them move to a place where they could get to access fun and enjoyable things within a short distance, with a lot of people nearby?
I'm not thinking senior villages, as such, but someplace where they can make friends and have lots of things to do nearby that aren't as physically demanding as living on a lake near a wooded forest and a tiny church with an itinerant pastor.
posted by chimaera at 9:51 PM on August 12, 2006
Is is feasible to have them move to a place where they could get to access fun and enjoyable things within a short distance, with a lot of people nearby?
I'm not thinking senior villages, as such, but someplace where they can make friends and have lots of things to do nearby that aren't as physically demanding as living on a lake near a wooded forest and a tiny church with an itinerant pastor.
posted by chimaera at 9:51 PM on August 12, 2006
Response by poster: Thank you all for the responses so far.
acoutu, they have been at the lake for two years now. Dad retired about 5 years ago, and mom about 10 years ago. My hometown is mid-sized, and they had a pretty large social network there. They did not "go out" so much as run into people all the time on their way from church or wherever, and then go out for pizza, etc.
tastybrains, I have just finished a doctoral program, and visiting more often is the first order of business. I appreciate your suggestions-- some of my siblings and I were actually trying to get Mom and Dad to join us for a rather sedate sporting event next weekend (Saratoga), and neither one was interested. That seems to be the issue, I guess. We do suggest quite a bit, but they seem to not want to do any of it. Last time Dad saw a movie was Michael Collins. But I will keep trying! Living in Buffalo, I have suggested Sabres or Bills games, if they wanted to come out here. Now that the Sabres are halfway to good, maybe they will want to come out then...
posted by oflinkey at 10:25 PM on August 12, 2006
acoutu, they have been at the lake for two years now. Dad retired about 5 years ago, and mom about 10 years ago. My hometown is mid-sized, and they had a pretty large social network there. They did not "go out" so much as run into people all the time on their way from church or wherever, and then go out for pizza, etc.
tastybrains, I have just finished a doctoral program, and visiting more often is the first order of business. I appreciate your suggestions-- some of my siblings and I were actually trying to get Mom and Dad to join us for a rather sedate sporting event next weekend (Saratoga), and neither one was interested. That seems to be the issue, I guess. We do suggest quite a bit, but they seem to not want to do any of it. Last time Dad saw a movie was Michael Collins. But I will keep trying! Living in Buffalo, I have suggested Sabres or Bills games, if they wanted to come out here. Now that the Sabres are halfway to good, maybe they will want to come out then...
posted by oflinkey at 10:25 PM on August 12, 2006
I am going through the same thing with my Dad. It depresses the hell out of me. He's only 62, long retired, and due to a problem with his feet, just sits around reading and watching tv.
I've tried making suggestions - like he should take up swimming so his muscles don't atrophy, or piano or cooking - things he used to enjoy, but he's a negative, stubborn old curmudgeon, set in his ways. I think that generation is more ashamed to admit they need help for depression. I find I just have to accept it, and let him be.
posted by delladlux at 12:51 AM on August 13, 2006
I've tried making suggestions - like he should take up swimming so his muscles don't atrophy, or piano or cooking - things he used to enjoy, but he's a negative, stubborn old curmudgeon, set in his ways. I think that generation is more ashamed to admit they need help for depression. I find I just have to accept it, and let him be.
posted by delladlux at 12:51 AM on August 13, 2006
"Last time Dad saw a movie was Michael Collins."
What about a Netflix subscription, along with a very simple DVD player? Since they don't have net access, you could choose discs for them, and have a mix of movies with documentaries, etc. They wouldn't be forced to change their routine too much or get out of the house, but you could at least help them with some mental stimulation.
I'm very fortunate my parents are around the same age but still very active... My father's taken up playing bridge pretty actively (both online and in a nearby community center) and I think it's done wonders for keeping him mentally active. My mother had to go through a big geographic readjustment, but since then she's done everything from getting certified as an optometrist's assistant to going back to school -- I think having a specific goal in mind helped her focus a lot on what she wanted to achieve.
In either case, having 'net access really did help them make connections and do research; That might be a great place to start. If you have kids or a family or a spouse, simply being able to watch them on a webcam, of have them see you on a video phone call might be enough to entice them to accept the new disruption in their lives.
posted by anildash at 1:13 AM on August 13, 2006
What about a Netflix subscription, along with a very simple DVD player? Since they don't have net access, you could choose discs for them, and have a mix of movies with documentaries, etc. They wouldn't be forced to change their routine too much or get out of the house, but you could at least help them with some mental stimulation.
I'm very fortunate my parents are around the same age but still very active... My father's taken up playing bridge pretty actively (both online and in a nearby community center) and I think it's done wonders for keeping him mentally active. My mother had to go through a big geographic readjustment, but since then she's done everything from getting certified as an optometrist's assistant to going back to school -- I think having a specific goal in mind helped her focus a lot on what she wanted to achieve.
In either case, having 'net access really did help them make connections and do research; That might be a great place to start. If you have kids or a family or a spouse, simply being able to watch them on a webcam, of have them see you on a video phone call might be enough to entice them to accept the new disruption in their lives.
posted by anildash at 1:13 AM on August 13, 2006
How about giving your parents a pair of binoculars and a bird book? Lakes are wildlife habitat, not just boating and swimming holes.
And don't push them too hard. I'm 60 and do a lot less on weekends than I used to. (Thank goodness the library is nearby!)
posted by Carol Anne at 5:37 AM on August 13, 2006 [1 favorite]
And don't push them too hard. I'm 60 and do a lot less on weekends than I used to. (Thank goodness the library is nearby!)
posted by Carol Anne at 5:37 AM on August 13, 2006 [1 favorite]
Ahhh..the lake... A wonderful place to live, many of us dream about it when we are younger, but frequently can't afford it until we are your parents age.
I moved to a lake property at the age of 53... I know, nowhere near your folks age (yet!), but was actually a bit surprised at the fact that, yep, we do get older and there are some things that are just difficult!
Consider looking carefully at what the house and environment require in terms of use and upkeep. For example, with your parents physical limitations, using the boat they have (we call them pontoons around here) might be a bit hard. They are big and difficult to use when it is windy, hard to tie up to the dock... consider another type of craft that might get them out that is less work.
Are there other aspects of the house that makes life difficult, are there things about the environment that remind them over and over that they are just plain geting older. Is there anything about this that could be changed to make it less challenging?
There is a lot of good advice here, and the comments that say you may just have to let them find their own way are on track as well.
Continue to stay in touch with them, look for things that would interest them, buy them good books and movies, take them out to dinner as often as you can manage....
Having loving children can be the most wonderful part of getting older....
posted by HuronBob at 6:04 AM on August 13, 2006
I moved to a lake property at the age of 53... I know, nowhere near your folks age (yet!), but was actually a bit surprised at the fact that, yep, we do get older and there are some things that are just difficult!
Consider looking carefully at what the house and environment require in terms of use and upkeep. For example, with your parents physical limitations, using the boat they have (we call them pontoons around here) might be a bit hard. They are big and difficult to use when it is windy, hard to tie up to the dock... consider another type of craft that might get them out that is less work.
Are there other aspects of the house that makes life difficult, are there things about the environment that remind them over and over that they are just plain geting older. Is there anything about this that could be changed to make it less challenging?
There is a lot of good advice here, and the comments that say you may just have to let them find their own way are on track as well.
Continue to stay in touch with them, look for things that would interest them, buy them good books and movies, take them out to dinner as often as you can manage....
Having loving children can be the most wonderful part of getting older....
posted by HuronBob at 6:04 AM on August 13, 2006
If they like and aren't allergic to animals, maybe some sort of pet? A cat with the right personality could be entertaining. I'd hesitate to suggest a dog if your dad can't walk very far, but that could be a possibility if your mom is able to walk it and they have a fenced-in yard (for playing fetch or whatnot). Obviously, this is something to suggest to them and/or encourage, *not* something to force on them by presenting them with a pet.
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:02 AM on August 13, 2006
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:02 AM on August 13, 2006
I am having some of the same issues with my mom, who is 64. she joined a senior swim class and a program called senior sneakers, both offered by the local ymca. that seems to have helped.
posted by bananafish at 6:39 PM on August 14, 2006
posted by bananafish at 6:39 PM on August 14, 2006
I have the same worry, particularly about my mom who had breast cancer some time ago (almost 20 years now). One thing that helps is encouraging her to visit me, planning trips / family vacations with both my parents, and especially, letting them know how importantant they are to me and how lost I would feel without them. And then I let them know how important it is that they take care of themselves.
I think one of the biggest challenges as people get older is not feeling needed. So I would emphasize how important your parents are to your (future?) children and to you. And call them, ask them for advice, engage them in your life - so they feel needed, and because you do need them.
posted by zia at 1:22 AM on August 22, 2006
I think one of the biggest challenges as people get older is not feeling needed. So I would emphasize how important your parents are to your (future?) children and to you. And call them, ask them for advice, engage them in your life - so they feel needed, and because you do need them.
posted by zia at 1:22 AM on August 22, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by borkingchikapa at 9:09 PM on August 12, 2006