Seeking non-negative ways of communicating that I'm feeling controlled.
October 21, 2015 4:18 PM Subscribe
Couples counsellor has suggested I try to communicate my feelings of being controlled in a less negative way than "You're being controlling."
Ok fair enough. I can see how that sentence could be arranged to be more palatable and more about me, and therefore less accusatory. However it was suggested that the word controlling is inherently negative and I shouldn't use it.
Do you have any suggestions on languaging that will express my feelings of being controlled, without using that word?
Ok fair enough. I can see how that sentence could be arranged to be more palatable and more about me, and therefore less accusatory. However it was suggested that the word controlling is inherently negative and I shouldn't use it.
Do you have any suggestions on languaging that will express my feelings of being controlled, without using that word?
"I feel that I'm being too passive in this relationship"
or
"I feel that I yield control to others more than I should"
posted by pipeski at 4:25 PM on October 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
or
"I feel that I yield control to others more than I should"
posted by pipeski at 4:25 PM on October 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
i'd like more autonomy / freedom / latitude to make mistakes / do my own thing / explore the options.
posted by andrewcooke at 4:32 PM on October 21, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by andrewcooke at 4:32 PM on October 21, 2015 [21 favorites]
I like "let me make my own mistakes", also "I don't feel trusted", "it's not my intent to threaten you", "I'm sorry that you feel abandoned, but I have my own interests too"... There's a lot here that's specific to the type of controlling that you're feeling...
posted by straw at 4:35 PM on October 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by straw at 4:35 PM on October 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
Trust me to take care of this.
posted by metahawk at 4:41 PM on October 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 4:41 PM on October 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
I'm a fan of the template "I feel [blank] when you [blank], because [blank]." It focuses more on how something makes you feel, and why, rather than sounding accusatory. Also, rather than saying you are being controlled, can you call out specific behaviors? Like, "Frank, I can pick my own shampoo, thanks." Specific behaviors are easier to change.
posted by jet_pack_in_a_can at 4:43 PM on October 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jet_pack_in_a_can at 4:43 PM on October 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is so dependant on how you are perceiving the situations where this happens, a lot of these answers only make sense in specific scenarios.
posted by Aranquis at 4:44 PM on October 21, 2015
posted by Aranquis at 4:44 PM on October 21, 2015
If I were in your shoes, I would focus on the other side of the equation first. So do you know which types of things usually cause you to respond with the word "controlling"? How would you prefer to be communicated with?
So for example, if it is something like "You need to wear that shirt" and that really bothers you, and want to pick your own shirts. then communicate that in a polite way when it is not in the middle of going out (ie, at a neutral time, request politely, "When we go it, can we each please pick our own shirts?" and discuss).
Or if it is something like a request that you do chore X or whatever, think about what bothers you about it. Do you want to do it on a different timeline? Not be requested to do it a thousand times? Pick your own activity. Think it through ...then at a neutral time, jet pack's script is great, but add on how you would prefer to have this happen. Would you prefer that you be given a choice (ie, here is a list of activities/things to be done/pick 2). Or a schedule?
But I would think through the different requests/behaviors/address them at neutral times, and for the sake of the partner, remove that word from your vocabulary if it bothers the person.
posted by Wolfster at 4:53 PM on October 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
So for example, if it is something like "You need to wear that shirt" and that really bothers you, and want to pick your own shirts. then communicate that in a polite way when it is not in the middle of going out (ie, at a neutral time, request politely, "When we go it, can we each please pick our own shirts?" and discuss).
Or if it is something like a request that you do chore X or whatever, think about what bothers you about it. Do you want to do it on a different timeline? Not be requested to do it a thousand times? Pick your own activity. Think it through ...then at a neutral time, jet pack's script is great, but add on how you would prefer to have this happen. Would you prefer that you be given a choice (ie, here is a list of activities/things to be done/pick 2). Or a schedule?
But I would think through the different requests/behaviors/address them at neutral times, and for the sake of the partner, remove that word from your vocabulary if it bothers the person.
posted by Wolfster at 4:53 PM on October 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
'That's more your thing.'
posted by bq at 4:53 PM on October 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by bq at 4:53 PM on October 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
To me, controlling means that someone wants to make decisions on someone else's behalf. If that's the case with you, I'd say
"I want to decide for myself" (about this specific thing x)
This (particular instance) is a decision we can make together. I feel like you're not hearing me.
When you tell me to ________, I feel ________... Totally agreeing with jet_pack here.
Don't make general statements, even if your partner has a trait that shows itself often. Figure out what you DO want, and ask for that. How might they behave differently, to let you feel like you have autonomy?
posted by wryly at 4:57 PM on October 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
"I want to decide for myself" (about this specific thing x)
This (particular instance) is a decision we can make together. I feel like you're not hearing me.
When you tell me to ________, I feel ________... Totally agreeing with jet_pack here.
Don't make general statements, even if your partner has a trait that shows itself often. Figure out what you DO want, and ask for that. How might they behave differently, to let you feel like you have autonomy?
posted by wryly at 4:57 PM on October 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Your way is not superior to mine.
I am driving (or budgeting or kid wrangling or vet ferrying) so I am in charge of this.
Please go expend energy on something else.
I understand it's hard for you to let this one go, but you're going to have to try.
I hear you but I don't agree and I'm making a different decision.
Your preferences are not more important than mine.
On a scale of 1 - 10 how much does this ultimately matter?
Is this the hill you want to die on?
posted by DarlingBri at 4:59 PM on October 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
I am driving (or budgeting or kid wrangling or vet ferrying) so I am in charge of this.
Please go expend energy on something else.
I understand it's hard for you to let this one go, but you're going to have to try.
I hear you but I don't agree and I'm making a different decision.
Your preferences are not more important than mine.
On a scale of 1 - 10 how much does this ultimately matter?
Is this the hill you want to die on?
posted by DarlingBri at 4:59 PM on October 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
If you can I'd recommend asking your partner why she feels the need to be controlling in the moment. My mother is a terrible terrible backseat driver, but it's because she has an anxiety disorder so just hearing her say "I'm really anxious right now" helps me calm down.
Examining the motives takes time, but it's helped me understand what's going on in the other person's head.
posted by lepus at 5:34 PM on October 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Examining the motives takes time, but it's helped me understand what's going on in the other person's head.
posted by lepus at 5:34 PM on October 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I need to feel trusted in my choices.
posted by Vaike at 5:58 PM on October 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Vaike at 5:58 PM on October 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maybe some variation of one of the following statements:
"In this situation, is there something specific you want me to do?" and then, "And what will happen if I choose to do something different?... Will you be upset? Is it ok for ME to decide what happens in this situation? Why/why not?" This series of questions might help the other person see that they are trying to force your behaviour.
"What are the differences between Action A (what you want me to do) and Action B (what I might want to do instead)?"
Once those differences are established to be minor or unimportant,
"Ok so the differences are minor, which means it shouldn't matter which I choose. But you are so invested in me choosing A that it's making me really unhappy, and for an issue this minor, it's not worthwhile to be unhappy- please just let me make this minor decision on my own."
"It is important to me that I feel confident and competent in my decision making. That feeling is actually more important to me than it would be to have "the perfect outcome", which I don't think exists anyway. So for most decisions, when you second-guess me or push me to make a decision, you are making me much more unhappy than I would be if I just went ahead unscrutinized and made "the wrong decision". When a decision is important and I want feedback, I promise I will ask for feedback. If I don't ask for feedback, it's because I don't want feedback- what I want is freedom. I would rather make minor "wrong" decisions alone than feel pushed into a "right" decision. Please take this into account when giving me unsolicited feedback."
When you question or analyze my decisions I feel small. Please don't make me feel small over such minor issues.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:07 PM on October 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
"In this situation, is there something specific you want me to do?" and then, "And what will happen if I choose to do something different?... Will you be upset? Is it ok for ME to decide what happens in this situation? Why/why not?" This series of questions might help the other person see that they are trying to force your behaviour.
"What are the differences between Action A (what you want me to do) and Action B (what I might want to do instead)?"
Once those differences are established to be minor or unimportant,
"Ok so the differences are minor, which means it shouldn't matter which I choose. But you are so invested in me choosing A that it's making me really unhappy, and for an issue this minor, it's not worthwhile to be unhappy- please just let me make this minor decision on my own."
"It is important to me that I feel confident and competent in my decision making. That feeling is actually more important to me than it would be to have "the perfect outcome", which I don't think exists anyway. So for most decisions, when you second-guess me or push me to make a decision, you are making me much more unhappy than I would be if I just went ahead unscrutinized and made "the wrong decision". When a decision is important and I want feedback, I promise I will ask for feedback. If I don't ask for feedback, it's because I don't want feedback- what I want is freedom. I would rather make minor "wrong" decisions alone than feel pushed into a "right" decision. Please take this into account when giving me unsolicited feedback."
When you question or analyze my decisions I feel small. Please don't make me feel small over such minor issues.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:07 PM on October 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Ding training. When your partner is doing a thing you and he previously agreed he wouldn't do say "ding." Or "beep." There's an answer about this in the ask metafilter archives.
posted by Mistress at 2:32 AM on October 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Mistress at 2:32 AM on October 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Certainly changing the wording can help for a while (expressing your need for autonomy is great), but over time your partner will recognize which words are simply stand-ins, and s/he will have negative feelings about those as well. It might help more to have some low-key conversations about areas where you most commonly or acutely feel controlled. For example:
"I want to understand how my decision on this matter impacts you and maintain the freedom to make the decision myself." Then really listen. Work together to seek out ways to lessen whatever negative impact your partner is feeling.
Anecdata from my own marriage: I used to get bent out of shape when my husband announced he'd be going out for the evening. Talking it through, I explained that he didn't need my "permission" per se, but it was presumptuous to basically inform me that I'd be on childcare duty (thus making me feel trapped, controlled, and taken for granted). Years after that discussion, he still says, "Hey, would you mind watching the kid so I can go do Thing?" It's a win-win because he gets to go out and I get to feel like I've chosen to help make that happen for him, so we both have autonomy.
It's a change of wording that's very specific to the issue at hand, and it only works because we were both willing to discuss it and respect one another's feelings.
Maybe your partner is not able or willing to participate in that way. If all you're hearing is, "I don't know why X bothers me, but it should be enough that you know it does bother me," then the fact is it should also be enough that you're bothered when you're barred from X, and it's entirely fair to say, "Would you be willing to work with a therapist to gain some insight into why it bothers you?" (or even, "Would you be willing to give that some thought and revisit this in a week?").
If you're feeling controlled in areas where you've previously broken trust, you will probably need to accept that you can't rush or push someone into trusting you again before they're ready. As others have said, it's really difficult to answer this without context.
As for Ding training. No, please no. "You're being controlling," sounds negative, but ding training is downright demeaning. Please don't do that.
posted by whoiam at 7:24 AM on October 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
"I want to understand how my decision on this matter impacts you and maintain the freedom to make the decision myself." Then really listen. Work together to seek out ways to lessen whatever negative impact your partner is feeling.
Anecdata from my own marriage: I used to get bent out of shape when my husband announced he'd be going out for the evening. Talking it through, I explained that he didn't need my "permission" per se, but it was presumptuous to basically inform me that I'd be on childcare duty (thus making me feel trapped, controlled, and taken for granted). Years after that discussion, he still says, "Hey, would you mind watching the kid so I can go do Thing?" It's a win-win because he gets to go out and I get to feel like I've chosen to help make that happen for him, so we both have autonomy.
It's a change of wording that's very specific to the issue at hand, and it only works because we were both willing to discuss it and respect one another's feelings.
Maybe your partner is not able or willing to participate in that way. If all you're hearing is, "I don't know why X bothers me, but it should be enough that you know it does bother me," then the fact is it should also be enough that you're bothered when you're barred from X, and it's entirely fair to say, "Would you be willing to work with a therapist to gain some insight into why it bothers you?" (or even, "Would you be willing to give that some thought and revisit this in a week?").
If you're feeling controlled in areas where you've previously broken trust, you will probably need to accept that you can't rush or push someone into trusting you again before they're ready. As others have said, it's really difficult to answer this without context.
As for Ding training. No, please no. "You're being controlling," sounds negative, but ding training is downright demeaning. Please don't do that.
posted by whoiam at 7:24 AM on October 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all. I added a lot of favourites that i'm sure i'l be referencing frequently. My question was vague in situational description as the control i'm percieving is on such a widespread scale.
It's not something i believe my partner to be doing maliciously. They have anxiety and it's a coping mechanism. That being said I still find it difficult to deal with.
It's tough to come up with situational examples as the control is often so subtle. Most overtly controlling intentions would be recognized by either one of us and rejected on the spot. It's the covert control that slips past their filter (and mine). But i came up with a couple: a) very small tasks and favours asked throught the day, like we're watching tv, i get up to go to washroom, they ask me to bring a mug to the kitchen. The mug doesn't immediately need to be in the kitchen as far as i can ascertain and i'm not heading to the kitchen. b) statements such as "i know how you've been wanting to do more of hobby x so i've set some time aside this afternoon for you to do such". c) statements such as "friend x of yours gives me a bad vibe, why don't you ever hang out with my friend so-and-so. I think you two would get along!"
posted by peterpete at 8:49 AM on October 22, 2015
It's not something i believe my partner to be doing maliciously. They have anxiety and it's a coping mechanism. That being said I still find it difficult to deal with.
It's tough to come up with situational examples as the control is often so subtle. Most overtly controlling intentions would be recognized by either one of us and rejected on the spot. It's the covert control that slips past their filter (and mine). But i came up with a couple: a) very small tasks and favours asked throught the day, like we're watching tv, i get up to go to washroom, they ask me to bring a mug to the kitchen. The mug doesn't immediately need to be in the kitchen as far as i can ascertain and i'm not heading to the kitchen. b) statements such as "i know how you've been wanting to do more of hobby x so i've set some time aside this afternoon for you to do such". c) statements such as "friend x of yours gives me a bad vibe, why don't you ever hang out with my friend so-and-so. I think you two would get along!"
posted by peterpete at 8:49 AM on October 22, 2015
if you're at the point where a lot is being filtered anyway, and you're basically on the same page about this being "a problem" then you can be much more positive.
take the example of the mug. don't take it and, instead, say something like "love you honey" (and mean it). it's going to be clear what's happening - you saying something positive will help your partner who is likely going through "damn, i screwed up again".
or take it, but say "here's a present for the lovely control freak in my life" or similar, and give them a hug. the point is to remind but avoid the negative. your partner is already trying, working on this - it's in both your interests to be supportive!
posted by andrewcooke at 2:34 PM on October 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
take the example of the mug. don't take it and, instead, say something like "love you honey" (and mean it). it's going to be clear what's happening - you saying something positive will help your partner who is likely going through "damn, i screwed up again".
or take it, but say "here's a present for the lovely control freak in my life" or similar, and give them a hug. the point is to remind but avoid the negative. your partner is already trying, working on this - it's in both your interests to be supportive!
posted by andrewcooke at 2:34 PM on October 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
My wife and I went through a rough patch a couple of years back and this was her primary complaint about me. I was too controlling. When I asked her for examples, she couldn't give me any, much like you describe above. She said it happened all the time and her family had noticed and commented to her about it, yet I was oblivious.
I finally figured out what she meant, though, and it was a bit more fuzzy than I would have anticipated. For example, I used to call her every day during my lunch break just to say hi. I enjoyed being in touch with her and thought it was nice to communicate. But to her, it was just another item on her schedule that I "expected" her to do. With 500 other things to think about, she felt I would be upset if she didn't answer, so she put everything on hold when I called each day. And as the converse, when she went to her night shift (as a nurse) she was often stressed out trying to find time to call and tell me goodnight, thinking I would be unhappy if she didn't. She felt like she had to force me into her hectic work schedule to appease me. I must have unintentionally given her that impression at some point.
Once I realized how different her perspective was from mine, I slowly stopped calling as often. Now most days I let her initiate contact or I just send a simple "I'm thinking about your right now" type of text that doesn't require a response. She is so much happier.
That's just one example, of course, but hopefully it illustrates how two people can have completely different points of view and not even realize it. We worked through our problems and although I still feel the same way about our marriage, I can clearly see how much happier *she* is now and it makes things better for both of us.
To put it simply: "You are controlling" doesn't really mean much. Instead, as Wryly mentioned, be direct. "When you call me every day it makes me feel like there's just another item on my to-do list that you are insisting I participate in. I'd much rather have you send me a text so I don't have to respond at any particular time. But I love that you want to know how my day is going."
THAT message would have been much clearer to me. It would have saved a lot of hurt feelings on both sides.
(And no, I'm not blaming her. This was clearly a problem on both of our ends, for the record.)
posted by tacodave at 3:40 PM on October 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
I finally figured out what she meant, though, and it was a bit more fuzzy than I would have anticipated. For example, I used to call her every day during my lunch break just to say hi. I enjoyed being in touch with her and thought it was nice to communicate. But to her, it was just another item on her schedule that I "expected" her to do. With 500 other things to think about, she felt I would be upset if she didn't answer, so she put everything on hold when I called each day. And as the converse, when she went to her night shift (as a nurse) she was often stressed out trying to find time to call and tell me goodnight, thinking I would be unhappy if she didn't. She felt like she had to force me into her hectic work schedule to appease me. I must have unintentionally given her that impression at some point.
Once I realized how different her perspective was from mine, I slowly stopped calling as often. Now most days I let her initiate contact or I just send a simple "I'm thinking about your right now" type of text that doesn't require a response. She is so much happier.
That's just one example, of course, but hopefully it illustrates how two people can have completely different points of view and not even realize it. We worked through our problems and although I still feel the same way about our marriage, I can clearly see how much happier *she* is now and it makes things better for both of us.
To put it simply: "You are controlling" doesn't really mean much. Instead, as Wryly mentioned, be direct. "When you call me every day it makes me feel like there's just another item on my to-do list that you are insisting I participate in. I'd much rather have you send me a text so I don't have to respond at any particular time. But I love that you want to know how my day is going."
THAT message would have been much clearer to me. It would have saved a lot of hurt feelings on both sides.
(And no, I'm not blaming her. This was clearly a problem on both of our ends, for the record.)
posted by tacodave at 3:40 PM on October 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Hmm, have you looked into Non-Violent Communication? It's a great resource for things like this. The idea is to own your feelings, instead of making statements that are judgments about another person's character or motives.
In NVC, you state a fact or describe a situation. Then you say how you felt about it. Then you state a need, and request a way for that need to be met.
For example:
"When you asked me to take the mug into the kitchen when I got up to go to the washroom, I felt annoyed. I need more mutuality when it comes to doing things around the house. Next time, can you please take the mug in yourself, or let me get to it on my own?"
Note that when stating feelings, you say "I felt" NOT "You made me feel". This is an important distinction.
Best of luck :)
posted by ananci at 7:34 PM on October 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
In NVC, you state a fact or describe a situation. Then you say how you felt about it. Then you state a need, and request a way for that need to be met.
For example:
"When you asked me to take the mug into the kitchen when I got up to go to the washroom, I felt annoyed. I need more mutuality when it comes to doing things around the house. Next time, can you please take the mug in yourself, or let me get to it on my own?"
Note that when stating feelings, you say "I felt" NOT "You made me feel". This is an important distinction.
Best of luck :)
posted by ananci at 7:34 PM on October 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
In the moment, I tend to go with, "This is not your concern," or "Nah, I don't feel like taking the mug to the kitchen." Typing it out, it sounds borderline confrontational, but we've had bigger conversations about this issue, and I think the relationship is better when "I don't feel like it," is a normal response to a trivial request. (I mean, a lot of the time I do pick up the mug, I like doing things for him, but sometimes I just don't feel like it, you know?)
posted by orangejenny at 3:49 PM on October 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by orangejenny at 3:49 PM on October 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think you could start off with, "I appreciate your concern," to diffuse some of the tension, and then explain that the decision is ultimately yours.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 7:25 AM on October 25, 2015
posted by gemutlichkeit at 7:25 AM on October 25, 2015
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posted by listen, lady at 4:24 PM on October 21, 2015