What to wear to a "cocktail" wedding that's not a dress?
October 21, 2015 4:11 PM Subscribe
I'm attending my sister-in-law's wedding next month and we finally got confirmation that the ceremony/reception dress code will be "cocktail". I'm a woman who is tired of buying dresses I hate wearing and feeling uncomfortable at these sorts of things, so what can I wear that's appropriate but also me?
My anxiety is two-fold: I don't know what "cocktail" actually means. I'm especially concerned because I tend to take things to the more casual end of the definition and my s-i-l and her partner skew a few levels fancier. Thankfully neither my partner (man) or I are in the wedding, but we'd like to blend in the crowd.
I tend to dress fairly masculine and have just accepted I feel more comfortable in pants and a jacket than some nice dress. I guess you could say I'm a straight butch? I am over dealing with clothes I would never wear outside of these events and feeling out of my skin. I'm ready to spend some money on a suit or nice trousers and a jacket and shirt since I also need this for work, but I'm overwhelmed with the options and can't figure out where to shop.
My prefered style leans towards simple and clean, 1960s mod. So I'd prefer tapered or straight pant legs. For jackets/blazers, I realized I need the lapels notched and don't like weird buttons. For shirts I'm open to patterns, but I really can't stand flourishes like different colored cuffs.
My nice blazer right now is black velvet, which is lovely (Ben Sherman!) but I try not to wear because of lint. I have a couple of pairs of khakis and trousers, and my shirts are typically from American Apparel (because of their cuts and button placement). For shoes I have a pair of black Chelsea boots, but I also need to get some new oxfords and maybe some desert boots.
So what should I wear to the wedding to fit in and where (in the SF Bay Area) should I buy it? What about tailors who would be go to for any alterations (East Bay)? I don't know why, but this whole thing fills me with anxiety.
My anxiety is two-fold: I don't know what "cocktail" actually means. I'm especially concerned because I tend to take things to the more casual end of the definition and my s-i-l and her partner skew a few levels fancier. Thankfully neither my partner (man) or I are in the wedding, but we'd like to blend in the crowd.
I tend to dress fairly masculine and have just accepted I feel more comfortable in pants and a jacket than some nice dress. I guess you could say I'm a straight butch? I am over dealing with clothes I would never wear outside of these events and feeling out of my skin. I'm ready to spend some money on a suit or nice trousers and a jacket and shirt since I also need this for work, but I'm overwhelmed with the options and can't figure out where to shop.
My prefered style leans towards simple and clean, 1960s mod. So I'd prefer tapered or straight pant legs. For jackets/blazers, I realized I need the lapels notched and don't like weird buttons. For shirts I'm open to patterns, but I really can't stand flourishes like different colored cuffs.
My nice blazer right now is black velvet, which is lovely (Ben Sherman!) but I try not to wear because of lint. I have a couple of pairs of khakis and trousers, and my shirts are typically from American Apparel (because of their cuts and button placement). For shoes I have a pair of black Chelsea boots, but I also need to get some new oxfords and maybe some desert boots.
So what should I wear to the wedding to fit in and where (in the SF Bay Area) should I buy it? What about tailors who would be go to for any alterations (East Bay)? I don't know why, but this whole thing fills me with anxiety.
Does this line up with what you are thinking?
posted by Annika Cicada at 4:46 PM on October 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Annika Cicada at 4:46 PM on October 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think your black velvet blazer, a pair of dressy, non-chino grey (or black that matches the blazer) slim ankle pants (example), and a shirt with some kind of detail that telegraphs fanciness would be great. I'm not sure if it fits your style, but something like a geometric print or jewel-tone blouse in a dressy fabric or a sequined shell would make the outfit read more cocktail party and less work meeting. Pointy toe flats (example 1, 2) or a pair of very directional oxfords (example 1, 2, 3) for shoes.
If you're worrying about feeling judged for your outfit choice, having great hair and make up (if you wear it) can really go a long way to making you look fancy and put together no matter what you're wearing.
nb: my links don't make outfits, was just trying to find examples of each idea.
posted by snaw at 4:48 PM on October 21, 2015
If you're worrying about feeling judged for your outfit choice, having great hair and make up (if you wear it) can really go a long way to making you look fancy and put together no matter what you're wearing.
nb: my links don't make outfits, was just trying to find examples of each idea.
posted by snaw at 4:48 PM on October 21, 2015
Just googling up some images of "dressy butch" or "cocktail party butch", some of the nicest outfits IMO have dressy pants, then button-up shirts under suit-vests. Would you be into a vest, or 3-piece suit, situation?
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:56 PM on October 21, 2015
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:56 PM on October 21, 2015
Try searching on Pinterest for "womens tuxedo" (not saying you need a tuxedo, but I think the aesthetic that comes up with that search term maps to what you're describing). Also, "womens trouser suit."
posted by melissasaurus at 4:57 PM on October 21, 2015
posted by melissasaurus at 4:57 PM on October 21, 2015
Best answer: Yeah, if you google "dapper butch" you might see things that catch your eye. The dapper butches I know and try to emulate do at least some shopping at H&M (in San Francisco).
posted by rtha at 4:59 PM on October 21, 2015
posted by rtha at 4:59 PM on October 21, 2015
Here are some black drawstring silk pants that should be easy to fit, elegant, and suitable for cocktail hour. They will go nicely with your blazer, and like brujita mentioned, they would work well with a simple pair of flats. A silk shirt in a fun color would complete the outfit.
This black and white spectator flat from Nordstrom would be charming with a white silk blouse and would add enough sparkle to the outfit to definitely push it into fancy.
posted by djinn dandy at 5:17 PM on October 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
This black and white spectator flat from Nordstrom would be charming with a white silk blouse and would add enough sparkle to the outfit to definitely push it into fancy.
posted by djinn dandy at 5:17 PM on October 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Cocktail attire" just means dressed up. Some women see it as an opportunity to show a lot of skin and wear strappy shoes with very high heels. But to me, it just means I need to look snazzy, according to my own very conservative definition. It's okay to go for simplicity instead of sparkles. The people who are all dolled up will be thinking about how they look -- they'll totally forget to notice your clothes.
I usually wear either earrings or a necklace. I get my hair blown out because it looks a lot more polished. My makeup is mostly natural-looking, but for a wedding or party I make sure to wear a lipstick that I feel very good about.
If your earlobes show, earrings can draw attention to your face and look either polished or festive depending on the style. I've ever had much success wearing a necklace with a button-up blouse, but a fairly bold pin can dress up a blazer nicely. A belt with a beautiful buckle can help make a jacket and pants into an outfit. If you like color, a wedding is a nice occasion to wear shades that you like but wouldn't ordinarily buy. Spiffy shoes -- again, if that's in your comfort zone. If your jacket has a chest pocket, how about a pocket square?
Definitely wear only what makes you feel good. If none of the accessories idea are your style, you're better off without them. I've lived in San Francisco for 25 years and no longer feel conspicuous because my clothes aren't trendy or girly. Women wear pants to everything, even funerals. Please don't feel awkward about not wearing a dress or skirt. Even if you're wearing a dark suit/separates and very plain shoes, there will be nothing inappropriate about it.
Consider that you might want to take your jacket off during the reception -- check out your attire both with and without the blazer. Sit down in your outfit to make sure it feels comfortable.
Sorry to sound sappy, but I truly believe that a happy attitude is the most important attribute in a wedding dress. And if you like what you're wearing, you'll feel good. Maybe not before you get there, but once you eyeball the crowd, you'll see you're just fine.
posted by wryly at 5:59 PM on October 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I usually wear either earrings or a necklace. I get my hair blown out because it looks a lot more polished. My makeup is mostly natural-looking, but for a wedding or party I make sure to wear a lipstick that I feel very good about.
If your earlobes show, earrings can draw attention to your face and look either polished or festive depending on the style. I've ever had much success wearing a necklace with a button-up blouse, but a fairly bold pin can dress up a blazer nicely. A belt with a beautiful buckle can help make a jacket and pants into an outfit. If you like color, a wedding is a nice occasion to wear shades that you like but wouldn't ordinarily buy. Spiffy shoes -- again, if that's in your comfort zone. If your jacket has a chest pocket, how about a pocket square?
Definitely wear only what makes you feel good. If none of the accessories idea are your style, you're better off without them. I've lived in San Francisco for 25 years and no longer feel conspicuous because my clothes aren't trendy or girly. Women wear pants to everything, even funerals. Please don't feel awkward about not wearing a dress or skirt. Even if you're wearing a dark suit/separates and very plain shoes, there will be nothing inappropriate about it.
Consider that you might want to take your jacket off during the reception -- check out your attire both with and without the blazer. Sit down in your outfit to make sure it feels comfortable.
Sorry to sound sappy, but I truly believe that a happy attitude is the most important attribute in a wedding dress. And if you like what you're wearing, you'll feel good. Maybe not before you get there, but once you eyeball the crowd, you'll see you're just fine.
posted by wryly at 5:59 PM on October 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
A pair of black cigarete pants, and a tuxedo style blouse like this or this would look great with a velvet blazer.
posted by vespabelle at 6:05 PM on October 21, 2015
posted by vespabelle at 6:05 PM on October 21, 2015
Nanette Lapore/Katherine Hepburn style high waisted, wide legged pants suit with pearl/minimalist gold type jewelry outclasses everything.
posted by Vaike at 6:06 PM on October 21, 2015
posted by Vaike at 6:06 PM on October 21, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks for the suggestions so far. Just for clarification: I really don't like wide legged trousers or silk blouses. I probably should have included that I usually aim for look like Ernie Douglas or Jack Nietzsche. Katherine Hepburn was a style icon, but too feminine to be mine.
Suggestions for where I can buy clothes to look fancy enough but not playing dress up are great!
posted by kendrak at 6:46 PM on October 21, 2015
Suggestions for where I can buy clothes to look fancy enough but not playing dress up are great!
posted by kendrak at 6:46 PM on October 21, 2015
I think "cocktail" in this instance means not casual, but not as formal as black tie. I think you're on the right track with slim, cigarette-length pants.
How about paired with this:
J Crew Geo Cropped Top
Or does this read 60s mod to you? I think it does a bit:
Ann Taylor stitched pocket blouse
Here's an example of pants with a bit more flare than you may like, but in the right direction:
J Crew wool trousers (Notice how the model is wearing very "cocktail" style heels). I think heels, a black blouse and pants like this would be very cocktail and something you could hopefully wear again.
Shoes: I'm not sure that boots will work. Chelsea boots are hip and you sound really cool, but that element is veering casual. Maybe a heeled oxford and make sure there is some skin showing at the ankle. If you prefer flats - and boy do I almost always prefer flats - try a patent or metallic flat with a pointy toe.
I second getting a blow-out the day of the wedding. If the salon also has makeup, you can ask for a quick makeup touch-up too. Shiny hair, sleek trousers and blouse: sounds like a great cocktail outfit to me. Have fun!
posted by areaperson at 6:50 PM on October 21, 2015
How about paired with this:
J Crew Geo Cropped Top
Or does this read 60s mod to you? I think it does a bit:
Ann Taylor stitched pocket blouse
Here's an example of pants with a bit more flare than you may like, but in the right direction:
J Crew wool trousers (Notice how the model is wearing very "cocktail" style heels). I think heels, a black blouse and pants like this would be very cocktail and something you could hopefully wear again.
Shoes: I'm not sure that boots will work. Chelsea boots are hip and you sound really cool, but that element is veering casual. Maybe a heeled oxford and make sure there is some skin showing at the ankle. If you prefer flats - and boy do I almost always prefer flats - try a patent or metallic flat with a pointy toe.
I second getting a blow-out the day of the wedding. If the salon also has makeup, you can ask for a quick makeup touch-up too. Shiny hair, sleek trousers and blouse: sounds like a great cocktail outfit to me. Have fun!
posted by areaperson at 6:50 PM on October 21, 2015
When you said 'cocktail attire for women but no dresses' I immediately thought of Janelle Monae
posted by danny the boy at 8:30 PM on October 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by danny the boy at 8:30 PM on October 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: "Cocktail attire", at every event I've ever been to, means suits (not tuxes) for men and party dresses for women. I don't see why that can't basically mean "suits and party dresses for everyone". If you don't want to wear a dress that's fine, just wear a suit. "Nice trousers and a nice blouse"is business casual and you'd likely be under dressed in that. I'd wear a tailored suit if you're comfortable in suits with dressy shoes--oxfords, brogues, strappy sandals, heels, all of these are fine with a suit.
posted by Polychrome at 3:29 AM on October 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Polychrome at 3:29 AM on October 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
A cocktail dress is short, more casual than a formal dress, which should be ankle length. It also means dressy, so as long as you have some sparkle or fancy fabric you will be fine!
posted by Gor-ella at 6:43 AM on October 22, 2015
posted by Gor-ella at 6:43 AM on October 22, 2015
Best answer: I'm utterly unqualified to answer this question, other than I, too rarely feel like I'm appropriately dressed for fancier events.
I agree that something subtly inspired by Janelle Monae is the way to go...
How about a crisp wing tip tuxedo shirt (no tie), your velvet blazer, a slim black pant and then a pair of shoes like this? The silver may be too splashy for you... but the black patent leather would work, too.
If the shoes are too much, then maybe go with simpler footwear and add a bright pocket square for a bit of color?
posted by jenquat at 11:09 AM on October 22, 2015
I agree that something subtly inspired by Janelle Monae is the way to go...
How about a crisp wing tip tuxedo shirt (no tie), your velvet blazer, a slim black pant and then a pair of shoes like this? The silver may be too splashy for you... but the black patent leather would work, too.
If the shoes are too much, then maybe go with simpler footwear and add a bright pocket square for a bit of color?
posted by jenquat at 11:09 AM on October 22, 2015
Response by poster: Hey everybody! The wedding was this past weekend and the wardrobe went pretty well. I ended up going with the black velvet blazer, a nice burgundy shirt with white polka dots, blue skinny trousers, and black super pointy Chelsea boots. The only accessory was my gold pair of glasses (as opposed to my normal black frames). I felt appropriately dressed for the audience, and a couple people complimented on how mod I looked (which was really the point). The bonus was that I wasn't cold for most of the event - an outdoor wedding in November with cocktail attire seems like a recipe for the chills.
Best of all, I felt really comfortable in my skin for the first time in a fancy event. Thanks for the advice!
posted by kendrak at 9:11 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best of all, I felt really comfortable in my skin for the first time in a fancy event. Thanks for the advice!
posted by kendrak at 9:11 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by brujita at 4:22 PM on October 21, 2015