Have you published an essay about people you know?
October 12, 2015 3:02 AM Subscribe
I've written an essay about my relationship with my ex. What are your experiences with publishing personal essays about friends or family members?
Did you warn them in advance? Or try to keep them from finding if after it was published?
My ex doesn't come off particularly badly in my essay--in fact, it's basically about how him being such a great guy during our breakup kind of made me want to get back together with him--but I'm afraid he's going to be pissed that I wrote it at all.
I'm really curious about other people's experiences with this. Did it poison the relationship? Or were your friends and family OK as long as they didn't come off as horrible people?
Did you warn them in advance? Or try to keep them from finding if after it was published?
My ex doesn't come off particularly badly in my essay--in fact, it's basically about how him being such a great guy during our breakup kind of made me want to get back together with him--but I'm afraid he's going to be pissed that I wrote it at all.
I'm really curious about other people's experiences with this. Did it poison the relationship? Or were your friends and family OK as long as they didn't come off as horrible people?
He's (presumably) likely to read it when you publish it, so why not run it by him now and see how he feels about it? Because if, as you say, he comes off well in your essay, not consulting him before publication seems the most likely part to cause offence.
posted by pipeski at 3:33 AM on October 12, 2015
posted by pipeski at 3:33 AM on October 12, 2015
Yep, run it past him AND --- unless it is 100% impossible for ANYONE to identify him from it --- get his okay to publish. How other people have reacted is unimportant here: how HE reacts, nothing else, is the question; and we can't answer that because we don't know him. (For what it's worth, personally I'd be furious, no matter how civil the breakup or how well you wrote of me: an ex of mine tossing my personal life out there is what I'd hate.)
posted by easily confused at 4:58 AM on October 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 4:58 AM on October 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
I've published personal essays and have been the handling editor for some.
First, you have to assume you cannot keep people from finding out, especially if you are publishing under your name. I would take that off the table as an idea.
Second, assume that the person will be upset. Really upset. If that outcome is not acceptable, it's probably best not to publish it. You can take the middle road of showing it to them, but a) they might be upset right then and b) even if you do, once it's out there people's emotions can change. I think of it as the cousin effect...the piece comes out, Joe's cousin reads it and says wow, you don't mind having that known? And Joe suddenly does.
You'd think in an age of social media people would be more okay with being written about or something, but I think really the thing is that we all have personal narratives and when someone else writes about us as part of theirs, it's fraught. We're no longer controlling it and it can get weird.
There's a great discussion of this issue in The Courage to Write by Ralph Keyes (1995). It's a highly individual decision.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:09 AM on October 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
First, you have to assume you cannot keep people from finding out, especially if you are publishing under your name. I would take that off the table as an idea.
Second, assume that the person will be upset. Really upset. If that outcome is not acceptable, it's probably best not to publish it. You can take the middle road of showing it to them, but a) they might be upset right then and b) even if you do, once it's out there people's emotions can change. I think of it as the cousin effect...the piece comes out, Joe's cousin reads it and says wow, you don't mind having that known? And Joe suddenly does.
You'd think in an age of social media people would be more okay with being written about or something, but I think really the thing is that we all have personal narratives and when someone else writes about us as part of theirs, it's fraught. We're no longer controlling it and it can get weird.
There's a great discussion of this issue in The Courage to Write by Ralph Keyes (1995). It's a highly individual decision.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:09 AM on October 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
My ex doesn't come off particularly badly in my essay
Not particularly badly is surely is a matter of opinion which may not be shared by your ex. It may help to ask yourself you hope to gain from the exercise and if it could be worth that cost.
posted by three blind mice at 5:24 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Not particularly badly is surely is a matter of opinion which may not be shared by your ex. It may help to ask yourself you hope to gain from the exercise and if it could be worth that cost.
posted by three blind mice at 5:24 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: thanks everyone! I already write personal essays for Gawker-ish (but not Gawker) blogs, so I was thinking of posting it to one of those. He doesn't read them, so it's unlikely that he would stumble upon it, but the cousin scenario (acquaintance: 'Hmm, I didn't know Tenzing felt that way about you...') is pretty likely, now that I think about it.
But I really was curious about other people's experiences! I've read that the Washington Post newsroom was never the same after All the President's Men (the movie) came out, and I'm always curious what it must be like for the acquaintances of stand-up comedians and Lena Dunham-style memoirists. Anyone been through this? Is there any personal work you wish you had just left in a drawer?
posted by Tenzing_Norgay at 5:51 AM on October 12, 2015
But I really was curious about other people's experiences! I've read that the Washington Post newsroom was never the same after All the President's Men (the movie) came out, and I'm always curious what it must be like for the acquaintances of stand-up comedians and Lena Dunham-style memoirists. Anyone been through this? Is there any personal work you wish you had just left in a drawer?
posted by Tenzing_Norgay at 5:51 AM on October 12, 2015
I've been on the other side of this. It was my father, and I believe he had no idea how negative he came off sounding about me and some other people. I wasn't devastated by what he wrote; to me, he was entitled to his truth and that kind of thing always says more about the writer than about the subject. And of course, the fact it wasn't about me alone made it easier. But still, there was a period of adjustment and it did affect the relationship, not for the better.
What I didn't anticipate was having a lot of people bring it up, ask me how I felt about it. Every time that happened I would think, "Thanks, Dad." The next family wedding was loads of fun, let me tell you. This may affect other relationships than just the one you have with your ex.
That said, every single Modern Love column in the New York Times has puts some real person in the spotlight. If that is something you want to do, own it. But as warriorqueen suggests, expect it to be problematic.
posted by BibiRose at 5:58 AM on October 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
What I didn't anticipate was having a lot of people bring it up, ask me how I felt about it. Every time that happened I would think, "Thanks, Dad." The next family wedding was loads of fun, let me tell you. This may affect other relationships than just the one you have with your ex.
That said, every single Modern Love column in the New York Times has puts some real person in the spotlight. If that is something you want to do, own it. But as warriorqueen suggests, expect it to be problematic.
posted by BibiRose at 5:58 AM on October 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would not do it, but having said that, it struck me after your update that if you date (or are married to) someone who writes personal essays for a living or hobby, you can sort of expect that someday you too will be the subject of one of those.
posted by AugustWest at 6:01 AM on October 12, 2015
posted by AugustWest at 6:01 AM on October 12, 2015
Mod note: Tenzing_Norgay, moderator here. I'm seeing from your update that you want to sort of chat or trade stories about this topic, but I'm afraid Ask Metafilter isn't meant for this (more info here & here). It's okay to ask a concrete question, and members can offer advice on your situation with your ex, but just "tell me your stories," is a problem. Sorry about that!
posted by taz (staff) at 6:49 AM on October 12, 2015
posted by taz (staff) at 6:49 AM on October 12, 2015
I've done this. I wrote an essay/short story/something in-between about my then-ex-boyfriend preferring his other-ex to me physically and how it ruined our relationship. Actually it was about how I turned in Joseph Stalin so I could deport her. It got published and I read it at two separate readings in New York (despite my description of it here, others found it rather funny, I promise). Between the time I wrote it and the time it got published and I read it around the city, my ex and I got back together.
He doesn't love the story (he should. it's very funny). But he is ok. Partially because he knows the circumstances in which I wrote it, and partially because I saved the really mean-spirited stuff for her, and I also come off like a loon myself, and he comes off like the straight man in a sea of hideous and insane ex-girlfriends vying for his affection.
I really think it depends on the individual people and also on the tone of the story. I'd ask him, if you want to make sure he isn't mad. But if he's ex, honestly, does it matter that much? He knew you were a writer. There are hazards in breaking up with writers.
posted by millipede at 6:56 AM on October 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
He doesn't love the story (he should. it's very funny). But he is ok. Partially because he knows the circumstances in which I wrote it, and partially because I saved the really mean-spirited stuff for her, and I also come off like a loon myself, and he comes off like the straight man in a sea of hideous and insane ex-girlfriends vying for his affection.
I really think it depends on the individual people and also on the tone of the story. I'd ask him, if you want to make sure he isn't mad. But if he's ex, honestly, does it matter that much? He knew you were a writer. There are hazards in breaking up with writers.
posted by millipede at 6:56 AM on October 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
Let the person know beforehand. You owe them nothing else. You must though, be prepared for their response if they feel hurt.
posted by Annika Cicada at 7:09 AM on October 12, 2015
posted by Annika Cicada at 7:09 AM on October 12, 2015
Okay, this is a bit sideways: I just got my article-length obit for my dad published in a journal. Before submitting it, I ran it past my mom and my kids. It's the obvious thing to do when you're writing about people who meant something for living persons, or about living persons.
posted by Namlit at 7:52 AM on October 12, 2015
posted by Namlit at 7:52 AM on October 12, 2015
I published a chapbook of poems that obliquely ruminated on some past relationships. It's a little different with poetry because the narrative isn't as linear and the details are less identifiable. Nevertheless, I know the people I wrote about would recognize themselves in a few poems. Of the three people I wrote about, one I didn't tell because we had a brief relationship and no longer speak (he's very unlikely to read the book), one I didn't tell because our relationship is far in the past and we both feel kind of distantly nostalgic about it, and one I told because the relationship was more recent and the emotions closer to the surface. The latter two came to the release reading and were very supportive, and maybe even flattered they were included.
As said above, this is a deeply personal decision and can only be handled case by case. When you decide whether or how to tell him, it's good to ask yourself some questions: How long ago was this relationship? What do I know about how the other person feels now? From what I know about them, how are they likely to react? Is there any reaction that would keep me from publishing the piece?
In the end, though, it's up to you. When Zelda Fitzgerald finished her semi-autobiographical novel Save Me the Waltz F. Scott was furious. He believed that the material of their marriage belonged to him. He was wrong. You own the experiences of your life, including your half of the shared experience with this person. You are allowed to write about those experiences; he is allowed to react to your writing. The experience belongs to both of you and you can both create something out of that material.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 10:18 AM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
As said above, this is a deeply personal decision and can only be handled case by case. When you decide whether or how to tell him, it's good to ask yourself some questions: How long ago was this relationship? What do I know about how the other person feels now? From what I know about them, how are they likely to react? Is there any reaction that would keep me from publishing the piece?
In the end, though, it's up to you. When Zelda Fitzgerald finished her semi-autobiographical novel Save Me the Waltz F. Scott was furious. He believed that the material of their marriage belonged to him. He was wrong. You own the experiences of your life, including your half of the shared experience with this person. You are allowed to write about those experiences; he is allowed to react to your writing. The experience belongs to both of you and you can both create something out of that material.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 10:18 AM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” -- Ann Lamott
I was in the first week of "Radical Memoirs" class taught by Sonya Lea ("Wondering Who You Are"), struggling with how to explain the accumulation of a thousand wounds which led to nearly shooting myself as a teenager. She said, "Don't explain. Just tell the story."
Not everyone will like what you write. Not everyone will like that you write about them. Some people won't like you at all after you tell a story. That's a price I had to accept, and so do you. Or else change enough to make it fiction.
P.S. I did lose a friend over a piece I wrote in which she was mentioned in a very non-specific, non-identifying way. She knew it was her, and was upset but not so much as when I told her I wasn't responsible for her emotions.
posted by trinity8-director at 10:30 AM on October 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
I was in the first week of "Radical Memoirs" class taught by Sonya Lea ("Wondering Who You Are"), struggling with how to explain the accumulation of a thousand wounds which led to nearly shooting myself as a teenager. She said, "Don't explain. Just tell the story."
Not everyone will like what you write. Not everyone will like that you write about them. Some people won't like you at all after you tell a story. That's a price I had to accept, and so do you. Or else change enough to make it fiction.
P.S. I did lose a friend over a piece I wrote in which she was mentioned in a very non-specific, non-identifying way. She knew it was her, and was upset but not so much as when I told her I wasn't responsible for her emotions.
posted by trinity8-director at 10:30 AM on October 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
P.P.S. When I write about my childhood experiences, my siblings don't comment about it at all. It's like I have violated a tacit agreement to maintain a shared mythology. Nobody in the family has broken off contact or had angry words for me since denial is their primary coping mechanism.
posted by trinity8-director at 10:36 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by trinity8-director at 10:36 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I did this. I thought the people I wrote about wouldn't find out. I was very wrong. This was 12 years ago, before the age of google alerts on your name, etc.
You are assuming the best: that he won't find out and if he does he will be flattered.
You should assume the worst: that he and all his friends & family will read what you wrote, and that everyone will be upset with you. Make your decision based on that.
BTW, the reaction of the people I wrote about was: none. They didn't bring it up, it just created an undercurrent of resentment that blew up later on. I had to dig into why suddenly our relationship had changed. This was all reasonable, btw. You "own your stories" but the people around you are free to decide that they don't want to maintain a relationship where they are fodder for your writing.
posted by danny the boy at 11:33 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
You are assuming the best: that he won't find out and if he does he will be flattered.
You should assume the worst: that he and all his friends & family will read what you wrote, and that everyone will be upset with you. Make your decision based on that.
BTW, the reaction of the people I wrote about was: none. They didn't bring it up, it just created an undercurrent of resentment that blew up later on. I had to dig into why suddenly our relationship had changed. This was all reasonable, btw. You "own your stories" but the people around you are free to decide that they don't want to maintain a relationship where they are fodder for your writing.
posted by danny the boy at 11:33 AM on October 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I do this all the time and have done so for over 20 years. I have published, blogged, and performed stories about my family, friends current and past, and lovers current and past. I also write about my children. Here is how I handle it:
1. If it's about someone I am currently in touch with and on good terms with, I run it by them first. I always use pseudonyms A few years ago, a friend asked me to include some false-trail personal details to help obscure her identity, but usually it's OK. People I'm currently on good terms with, I only publish positive stuff, and I get their help with details and so on.
2. If it's about people who are no longer friends, or ex-lovers I'm no longer in touch with, or my family of origin: all bets are off. I write what I want.
3. If it's about my kids, I ask them if it's OK, and let them read it first if they want to. They're usually OK with things, but they do sometimes say No, and I always respect that. They know their internet/Facebook pseudonyms.
4. If I post something and someone asks me to take it down, I do. (This is harder if you're publishing in someone else's publication, but on my own blog, for instance, I'll pull something down if someone is uncomfortable with it.)
5. This is all kind of moot if I think I have something that desperately needs to be said. This is a pretty high bar.
Basically, the questions I ask myself are: "Do I have a relationship with this person that I care about preserving?"and "Is this potentially hurtful to anyone I care about?" If so, I either bend over backwards to bury the person's real identity, or don't write about it publicly. I ended an abusive friendship a few years ago, for instance, and haven't written about it publicly (though I have much to say on the subject) because it would probably be hurtful to my former friend's wife to read it. As time passes, this becomes less of a concern for me, as my independent friendship with the wife fades farther into the past. This falls under #5 above: I might, at some point, have something unique and useful to say about abuse in female friendship, and if so, my former friend is just going to have to deal.
posted by not that girl at 12:11 PM on October 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
1. If it's about someone I am currently in touch with and on good terms with, I run it by them first. I always use pseudonyms A few years ago, a friend asked me to include some false-trail personal details to help obscure her identity, but usually it's OK. People I'm currently on good terms with, I only publish positive stuff, and I get their help with details and so on.
2. If it's about people who are no longer friends, or ex-lovers I'm no longer in touch with, or my family of origin: all bets are off. I write what I want.
3. If it's about my kids, I ask them if it's OK, and let them read it first if they want to. They're usually OK with things, but they do sometimes say No, and I always respect that. They know their internet/Facebook pseudonyms.
4. If I post something and someone asks me to take it down, I do. (This is harder if you're publishing in someone else's publication, but on my own blog, for instance, I'll pull something down if someone is uncomfortable with it.)
5. This is all kind of moot if I think I have something that desperately needs to be said. This is a pretty high bar.
Basically, the questions I ask myself are: "Do I have a relationship with this person that I care about preserving?"and "Is this potentially hurtful to anyone I care about?" If so, I either bend over backwards to bury the person's real identity, or don't write about it publicly. I ended an abusive friendship a few years ago, for instance, and haven't written about it publicly (though I have much to say on the subject) because it would probably be hurtful to my former friend's wife to read it. As time passes, this becomes less of a concern for me, as my independent friendship with the wife fades farther into the past. This falls under #5 above: I might, at some point, have something unique and useful to say about abuse in female friendship, and if so, my former friend is just going to have to deal.
posted by not that girl at 12:11 PM on October 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
I was told by my ex that she was publishing a story about me. I am deeply private, and was really, really upset. I asked her not do do it, and she said she didn't care how I felt about it. She did it, I'm convinced, in part because she knew it would cause me significant distress. It was a huge violation. I'm in my 40s, and it's in the 2-3 worst things done to me in my life.
I've decided I'll never date a writer again as a result. (And by that, I mean anyone who publishes popular essays.) I just can't have post-breakup stuff about me showing up in the media again. And if there is justice, that she does this will follow her around with future relationships. (Related, I just ran into a well-known writer on a dating site who publishes stories about her ex-lovers. I thought, yeah, this isn't happening.)
posted by persona au gratin at 1:14 AM on October 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
I've decided I'll never date a writer again as a result. (And by that, I mean anyone who publishes popular essays.) I just can't have post-breakup stuff about me showing up in the media again. And if there is justice, that she does this will follow her around with future relationships. (Related, I just ran into a well-known writer on a dating site who publishes stories about her ex-lovers. I thought, yeah, this isn't happening.)
posted by persona au gratin at 1:14 AM on October 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Persona: Wow. Did she give you a pseudonym, at least?
your answer makes me realize that even if I renamed my ex in my essay (which I did), it would be glaringly obvious to our friends who I was talking about.
I think probably I'm being selfish for wanting to publish this and I should put it away.
posted by Tenzing_Norgay at 2:48 AM on October 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
your answer makes me realize that even if I renamed my ex in my essay (which I did), it would be glaringly obvious to our friends who I was talking about.
I think probably I'm being selfish for wanting to publish this and I should put it away.
posted by Tenzing_Norgay at 2:48 AM on October 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
it would be glaringly obvious to our friends who I was talking about
Yes, this.
Even if it's fiction, these things can be quite obvious to people who know of the situation. Even if your ex does not see it, your friends might be uncomfortable around you in the future knowing you write these sorts of things.
posted by yohko at 8:34 PM on October 13, 2015
Yes, this.
Even if it's fiction, these things can be quite obvious to people who know of the situation. Even if your ex does not see it, your friends might be uncomfortable around you in the future knowing you write these sorts of things.
posted by yohko at 8:34 PM on October 13, 2015
No, she didn't. And even if she had, it was published under her own name. And it was read by tens or hundreds of thousands of people. I'm feeling ill just typing this.
So, yeah, this isn't a victimless situation, it seems to me. You do own your own story, but others own theirs, too.
And it's not good for you either, I'd think. I mean, I wouldn't want to go into new relationships as the person who writes up my exes without consent in prominent places. Who would want to be vulnerable with me if they knew I did that sort of thing? And who could blame them for being skittish?
Hell, if I mentioned the name of the person I saw on the dating site, you'd know who this person is. This is a prominent author. But even given that this person dishes on exes (falsely, from what I gather), I'm not giving a name. Because a) even that person deserves anonymity, and b) I don't want to call any more attention to the exploitative work this person has produced.
posted by persona au gratin at 1:04 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
So, yeah, this isn't a victimless situation, it seems to me. You do own your own story, but others own theirs, too.
And it's not good for you either, I'd think. I mean, I wouldn't want to go into new relationships as the person who writes up my exes without consent in prominent places. Who would want to be vulnerable with me if they knew I did that sort of thing? And who could blame them for being skittish?
Hell, if I mentioned the name of the person I saw on the dating site, you'd know who this person is. This is a prominent author. But even given that this person dishes on exes (falsely, from what I gather), I'm not giving a name. Because a) even that person deserves anonymity, and b) I don't want to call any more attention to the exploitative work this person has produced.
posted by persona au gratin at 1:04 AM on October 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by smoke at 3:13 AM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]