Figuring out how to quit you
October 5, 2015 7:07 AM Subscribe
I've been taking lessons from my really, really awesome violin teacher for the last three years. In the past four months, I've been non-committal - I had a horrible, traumatic death in my family, and I bought my first house, and I had/have mono. I don't want to play violin right now, or for the foreseeable future, but I can see myself returning later. How do I tell her that I need to take a lot of time off?
Details: Lately I've been the worst student; I'm in my thirties but I just can't manage to go to our lessons. I'm really disappointed in myself, that I can't do this.
I'm still sick, and everything's pretty awful. I was her first student, and we've gotten along so well - she brought me food and flowers during that death in my family. I feel so, so bad to abandon her, because she's only just starting out. I would give her, and have given her, ringing endorsements. But I feel like I'm hurting her, and I don't know what words I should use to tell her that I'm sorry, but I can't do this right now. How do I tell her all of this?
Details: Lately I've been the worst student; I'm in my thirties but I just can't manage to go to our lessons. I'm really disappointed in myself, that I can't do this.
I'm still sick, and everything's pretty awful. I was her first student, and we've gotten along so well - she brought me food and flowers during that death in my family. I feel so, so bad to abandon her, because she's only just starting out. I would give her, and have given her, ringing endorsements. But I feel like I'm hurting her, and I don't know what words I should use to tell her that I'm sorry, but I can't do this right now. How do I tell her all of this?
This is a business relationship, even though you two care for one another. Just write her a letter, with as much detail as you're comfortable with (or none at all), thanking her for her lessons, and letting her know you will refer her and may return at another time.
posted by xingcat at 7:13 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 7:13 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Having too much going on in your life right now to learn to play an instrument is not a moral failing. Forgive yourself; give yourself the break you need and the permission to take it. You'll go back when you're ready and able.
She's a wonderful teacher and a professional. She's going to be ok.
posted by phunniemee at 7:16 AM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
She's a wonderful teacher and a professional. She's going to be ok.
posted by phunniemee at 7:16 AM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I think you're beating yourself up unnecessarily - but I also think HuronBob and xingcat are being a little dismissive of the intimacy that this particular sort of of business relationship engenders.
If your violin teacher is anything like my daughter's violin teacher then she can already see in your playing and lack of progress that your mind's not in it. She knows why and will understand. Tell her you need to take a break.
posted by three blind mice at 7:19 AM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
If your violin teacher is anything like my daughter's violin teacher then she can already see in your playing and lack of progress that your mind's not in it. She knows why and will understand. Tell her you need to take a break.
posted by three blind mice at 7:19 AM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: "[Teacher], I have enjoyed working with you so much and I've learned so much from you. But you can probably tell that with everything that's been going on with me lately I'm not committing to practicing and doing the work I need to be doing right now, and I think I need a break. When I'm ready to come back to the violin, I hope I'll be able to work with you again."
I sympathize! I just had to have a difficult conversation with my choral conductor (where I actually *was* the bad guy and was letting other people down - you are not!), and it is hard stuff. My boyfriend calls my choral conductor "the boss you pay." These are complicated relationships. But you are not the bad guy here.
posted by mskyle at 7:23 AM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
I sympathize! I just had to have a difficult conversation with my choral conductor (where I actually *was* the bad guy and was letting other people down - you are not!), and it is hard stuff. My boyfriend calls my choral conductor "the boss you pay." These are complicated relationships. But you are not the bad guy here.
posted by mskyle at 7:23 AM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Nthing the above-- you don't have to continue with lessons that you can't commit to right now. No need to explain beyond "I don't have the time to devote that this deserves."
For extra credit, ask her if she wants a testimonial, positive Yelp review, or similar from you, then follow through on that. And put her on your holiday card list if you do such a thing. If this is a relationship where tips are appropriate, give her a big tip on your last visit or in the mail with a card.
posted by blnkfrnk at 7:31 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
For extra credit, ask her if she wants a testimonial, positive Yelp review, or similar from you, then follow through on that. And put her on your holiday card list if you do such a thing. If this is a relationship where tips are appropriate, give her a big tip on your last visit or in the mail with a card.
posted by blnkfrnk at 7:31 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Emphasize how much you're looking forward to the time when things are back aligned in your life and you have the peace of mind to concentrate on the violin.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:32 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:32 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Write it in a letter and give it to her at the end of your next lesson.
That way you can draft/re-draft to get just the right tone and level of detail.
That's how I would do it.
posted by gribbly at 7:38 AM on October 5, 2015
That way you can draft/re-draft to get just the right tone and level of detail.
That's how I would do it.
posted by gribbly at 7:38 AM on October 5, 2015
She knows why and will understand.
Not necessarily. I had a violin teacher years ago, and she was vicious about applying the guilt trips when I not practicing enough and going through tough times. I think it was less "I need the money from this student" and more "I am an intense music teacher, and I want to produce the best results." The day I drove to the studio to tell her I had to stop was horrible, and I cried (at age 35) because I was so worried about upsetting her. mskyle is right, these are complicated relationships.
Just apply all the good things you've learned from Metafilter (set good boundaries, that won't be possible, allow her to be mad), and you'll get through it. It sucks, good luck.
posted by Melismata at 7:51 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Not necessarily. I had a violin teacher years ago, and she was vicious about applying the guilt trips when I not practicing enough and going through tough times. I think it was less "I need the money from this student" and more "I am an intense music teacher, and I want to produce the best results." The day I drove to the studio to tell her I had to stop was horrible, and I cried (at age 35) because I was so worried about upsetting her. mskyle is right, these are complicated relationships.
Just apply all the good things you've learned from Metafilter (set good boundaries, that won't be possible, allow her to be mad), and you'll get through it. It sucks, good luck.
posted by Melismata at 7:51 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I quit a more than 10-year relationship with a teacher/trainer/coach, telling her how much I enjoyed working with her, my life situation made it impossible to train with her at the moment, and I would let he know when I was ready to start up again. I did do this in writing, in a e-mail, because I wanted to be sure it was worded exactly the way I wanted. After 18 months I let her know I was ready to go back to work with her, and we resumed the relationship. She behaved like the professional she is and things have never been better.
posted by Dolley at 8:04 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Dolley at 8:04 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Music should be fun--if it isn't, stop. But I also wonder whether some guilt about practicing is leading you to overlook a middle ground between a rigorous practice schedule and nothing. If you hadn't considered it, you *might* also want to talk to her about what's fun for you and what's not, and what level of commitment you have the energy for, and together work out something that in between. Could be "let's meet less often", or "all I want to do is come in and sight read some easy things for a while, I can't commit to practicing much in between".
But that's entirely up to you. "I need a break" is totally reasonable too. And I'd think private instructors would have to be used to students coming and going.
posted by bfields at 8:12 AM on October 5, 2015
But that's entirely up to you. "I need a break" is totally reasonable too. And I'd think private instructors would have to be used to students coming and going.
posted by bfields at 8:12 AM on October 5, 2015
Some suggested language: "X, I'm sure you've noticed that my attention to the violin has been slipping for the past few months. I really value our relationship and the learning I get to do with you, and want to make sure I'm showing up for it (literally and metaphorically) like I want to---but there's too much going on in my life right now and it's detracting from my commitment. For the time being, I need to stop taking lessons, but I'm looking forward to returning. Thank you so much."
posted by c'mon sea legs at 8:13 AM on October 5, 2015
posted by c'mon sea legs at 8:13 AM on October 5, 2015
Others have given great suggestions about clear, kind ways to end/defer the arrangement. Maybe add some kind of extra nice gesture to make yourself feel better, like:
Give her some kind of a nice goodbye present (chocolates or wine maybe)
Post a note tagging her as an amazing teacher on your Facebook
Offer to write a glowing testimonial for her website or LinkedIn
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:00 AM on October 5, 2015
Give her some kind of a nice goodbye present (chocolates or wine maybe)
Post a note tagging her as an amazing teacher on your Facebook
Offer to write a glowing testimonial for her website or LinkedIn
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:00 AM on October 5, 2015
Best answer: I have taught music lessons, and people stopping isn't that big a deal. There is a lot of turnover in music lessons. I think in the circumstances (especially if you're concerned about her financially) a goodbye present might be a nice gesture, especially if it's useful. And Facebook or other publicity would be a HUGE favor to her if she's trying to get her studio started. Teachers live and die by referrals.
I'd agree with bfields that you may need to consider whether you're just pushing yourself too hard. Music should be a fun thing, and there is some level of good results that comes out of ANY amount of practice. Most teachers default to an assumptive "here's what you can do in 2 hours of practice daily" because that's supposed to be their world. But there should be a conversation you can have about what you can do with 30-60 minutes a day.
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:23 AM on October 5, 2015
I'd agree with bfields that you may need to consider whether you're just pushing yourself too hard. Music should be a fun thing, and there is some level of good results that comes out of ANY amount of practice. Most teachers default to an assumptive "here's what you can do in 2 hours of practice daily" because that's supposed to be their world. But there should be a conversation you can have about what you can do with 30-60 minutes a day.
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:23 AM on October 5, 2015
Best answer: You are way overthinking this. Just tell her you have too much going on for lessons right now, give the 30-day notice or whatever her studio requires, and move on.
As a teacher, I have had everything from long-form letters to students who just stopped coming to lessons cold-turkey and I never heard from them again. My point being, don't overthink it and make this an additional stress in your life.
posted by TinWhistle at 9:34 AM on October 5, 2015
As a teacher, I have had everything from long-form letters to students who just stopped coming to lessons cold-turkey and I never heard from them again. My point being, don't overthink it and make this an additional stress in your life.
posted by TinWhistle at 9:34 AM on October 5, 2015
Best answer: I did this with my guitar teacher, and it was Not A Big Deal.
One thing I would have changed: I wish I had asked them to contact me in 1 and 3 months, to follow up. I would have restarted faster.
posted by gregglind at 9:54 AM on October 5, 2015
One thing I would have changed: I wish I had asked them to contact me in 1 and 3 months, to follow up. I would have restarted faster.
posted by gregglind at 9:54 AM on October 5, 2015
Response by poster: Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses. I called her the night after I posted this and gave a brief explanation, and asked if we could put lessons on hold for a while. She was super understanding, and agreed to check in with me in a couple of months to see if I'm ready to resume lessons. (Thanks especially to gregglind for that idea!)
You all are right that I'm being too rough on myself right now, and I've taken some steps to address that. I really appreciate the guidance.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:01 AM on October 14, 2015
You all are right that I'm being too rough on myself right now, and I've taken some steps to address that. I really appreciate the guidance.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:01 AM on October 14, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Her future is not your responsibility. As a private contractor it is up to her to manage her feelings if/when a client moves on, no matter what the reason is for that change.
posted by HuronBob at 7:12 AM on October 5, 2015 [14 favorites]