Bipolar: When to tell a date
October 5, 2015 8:15 AM Subscribe
I met a wonderful man who is smitten with me, and I with him. We have been talking on the phone for two weeks (we met online), and have had four fabulous, fun dates. He expresses that he really likes me. He is 37 and I am 30. He has been married before, and I asked him why they got divorced, and he explained to me that she developed bipolar disorder I with schizophrenic tendencies about 3 years into their marriage, and she could not get stabilized. She had multiple trips to the psych ward while he was in med school, and it was really hard on him. He was studying to be an anesthesiologist and the final straw was when his wife called his residency hospital and told them he was poisoning her with intravenous drugs.
Well, that would all be fine and good, except...I have bipolar II.
I had one manic episode on my 29th birthday and I have been stabilized on medications for about 8 months now. I still attend therapy and my psych appointments, but most days I don't even consider my disorder. I have a job I like, I eat healthy, and I enjoy life.
I am terrified to tell this man bc I really like him and I want to be with him, but I want him to recognize that I am not her, and all bipolar people have the same disease trajectory, symptom profile, or response to medication.i want him to see me as a unique individual, with my disorder under control, before telling him that way he can see me with a clear lens.
When should I tell him? What should I say?
I had one manic episode on my 29th birthday and I have been stabilized on medications for about 8 months now. I still attend therapy and my psych appointments, but most days I don't even consider my disorder. I have a job I like, I eat healthy, and I enjoy life.
I am terrified to tell this man bc I really like him and I want to be with him, but I want him to recognize that I am not her, and all bipolar people have the same disease trajectory, symptom profile, or response to medication.i want him to see me as a unique individual, with my disorder under control, before telling him that way he can see me with a clear lens.
When should I tell him? What should I say?
If I were your date... who you've already seen for four dates, and who has gotten to know you intimately enough that he has told you about the history with his wife... I would want to know as soon as possible (like now) about your own bipolar status. The longer you took to tell me, the less I would trust anything else that you would tell me alongside that: your various ways of self-care, your health status, your commitment to yourself.
posted by correcaminos at 8:20 AM on October 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by correcaminos at 8:20 AM on October 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
It's going to come out, and the longer you wait, the more he's going to feel like you were actively hiding it from him. Rip off the band-aid.
"Honey, I really want to make this relationship work, so I have to get something out of the way. (deep breath) I have bipolar II. I had one manic episode on my 29th birthday and I have been stabilized on medications for about 8 months now. I still attend therapy and my psych appointments, but most days I don't even consider my disorder. I have a job I like, I eat healthy, and I enjoy life."
If he walks out, then you're avoiding even more investment into a relationship that was never going to work. If he needs some time to think about it, give it to him.
posted by Etrigan at 8:20 AM on October 5, 2015 [39 favorites]
"Honey, I really want to make this relationship work, so I have to get something out of the way. (deep breath) I have bipolar II. I had one manic episode on my 29th birthday and I have been stabilized on medications for about 8 months now. I still attend therapy and my psych appointments, but most days I don't even consider my disorder. I have a job I like, I eat healthy, and I enjoy life."
If he walks out, then you're avoiding even more investment into a relationship that was never going to work. If he needs some time to think about it, give it to him.
posted by Etrigan at 8:20 AM on October 5, 2015 [39 favorites]
He's a doctor. I would think that he would be in a much better position to understand that mental illness has a wide range of effects than the average Joe.
But I suspect holding that information back for an extended period of time, especially knowing his history, would be a bigger risk than coming clean and explaining your treatment and stability .
posted by Blisterlips at 8:22 AM on October 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
But I suspect holding that information back for an extended period of time, especially knowing his history, would be a bigger risk than coming clean and explaining your treatment and stability .
posted by Blisterlips at 8:22 AM on October 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
There is very little about how you tell him that will make him have the reaction you want him to have rather than the one he's going to have.
But you can use best practices for delivering potentially sensitive news: Do be concise and straightforward, and don't infodump or overwhelm him with details. Don't expect him to have a prepared response for you, give him some time (as in days, not minutes) to decide how to proceed.
Because if he can't deal with this, or won't, or is just carrying around too much baggage of his own to be the right person for you right now, there's nothing about how you say it that's going to change him.
You do have to say something very soon though, that's probably the largest controllable variable in whether this is going to go well or not. It doesn't really matter what the issue is, once one person says, "I had a life-changing experience with X", every time you see him after that before you bring it up will feel to him like a lie of omission, and will make it become a much huger deal than it would be if you handle it right away.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:27 AM on October 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
But you can use best practices for delivering potentially sensitive news: Do be concise and straightforward, and don't infodump or overwhelm him with details. Don't expect him to have a prepared response for you, give him some time (as in days, not minutes) to decide how to proceed.
Because if he can't deal with this, or won't, or is just carrying around too much baggage of his own to be the right person for you right now, there's nothing about how you say it that's going to change him.
You do have to say something very soon though, that's probably the largest controllable variable in whether this is going to go well or not. It doesn't really matter what the issue is, once one person says, "I had a life-changing experience with X", every time you see him after that before you bring it up will feel to him like a lie of omission, and will make it become a much huger deal than it would be if you handle it right away.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:27 AM on October 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
asmith30: "I want him to recognize that I am not her, and all bipolar people have the same disease trajectory, symptom profile, or response to medication."
That's understandable, and if he is a good person and a good doctor he will understand that as a matter of course, but even so, he may decide that he is not ready (and may never be ready) to be in a relationship with a bipolar person. As bswinburn says, dealbreakers are dealbreakers. I think Etrigan has the right approach, be simple and direct while emphasizing the positive. I'd also suggest going to his place to tell him (or meeting somewhere like a coffee shop), and then offering to leave once he has asked any questions he might have of you to give him time to think.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:45 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
That's understandable, and if he is a good person and a good doctor he will understand that as a matter of course, but even so, he may decide that he is not ready (and may never be ready) to be in a relationship with a bipolar person. As bswinburn says, dealbreakers are dealbreakers. I think Etrigan has the right approach, be simple and direct while emphasizing the positive. I'd also suggest going to his place to tell him (or meeting somewhere like a coffee shop), and then offering to leave once he has asked any questions he might have of you to give him time to think.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:45 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Anyone who's spent any significant amount of time dealing with a bipolar partner, especially a medical professional, should be well aware of the variability of presentations of bipolar. (I say this as veteran of a fifteen-years-so-far relationship with someone with BP - one or two support group meetings were enough to make it very clear to me that this is an extremely variable illness.) I don't think he'll have any problem recognizing that you are not her.
That said, he has whatever baggage he has about life with bipolar disorder and he'll make whatever decisions he needs to make about whether he's willing to go there again. That decision will, to be honest, probably have very little to do with you and a lot to do with his past experience. The best thing you can do is tell him soon, and be honest and open about whatever questions he has, and to be aware that you're probably entering into a process of discussions, not something he can decide about and be 100% okay with immediately.
I know it's not easy to say "don't be terrified", but I hope you can find a way to ease some of your anxiety about this. I hope it works out for you.
posted by Stacey at 8:46 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
That said, he has whatever baggage he has about life with bipolar disorder and he'll make whatever decisions he needs to make about whether he's willing to go there again. That decision will, to be honest, probably have very little to do with you and a lot to do with his past experience. The best thing you can do is tell him soon, and be honest and open about whatever questions he has, and to be aware that you're probably entering into a process of discussions, not something he can decide about and be 100% okay with immediately.
I know it's not easy to say "don't be terrified", but I hope you can find a way to ease some of your anxiety about this. I hope it works out for you.
posted by Stacey at 8:46 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I want him to recognize that I am not her, and all bipolar people have the same disease trajectory, symptom profile, or response to medication.
Of course you do! But you can't control his response to your disclosure. I'm a poly gal and broke up with a lover because his ex-wife had a mental illness. So do I, but not the same one. Even so, my lover was often triggered by seemingly innocuous things I would do or say and start responding to me as if I was his ex. It was nobody's fault, but that made us a bad fit.
So tell him asap, but not as though you are horribly broken. Tell him the way to told us and suggest taking things slowly until he can feel comfortable with all of the person you are.
Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:28 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Of course you do! But you can't control his response to your disclosure. I'm a poly gal and broke up with a lover because his ex-wife had a mental illness. So do I, but not the same one. Even so, my lover was often triggered by seemingly innocuous things I would do or say and start responding to me as if I was his ex. It was nobody's fault, but that made us a bad fit.
So tell him asap, but not as though you are horribly broken. Tell him the way to told us and suggest taking things slowly until he can feel comfortable with all of the person you are.
Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:28 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's your personal health information, and it must feel crummy to have this pressure to share it. But I do agree that you should rip the bandaid off and tell him. And I would frame it as This is really personal, and I might want to wait to share this, but you've told me about your experience, so I feel I have to tell you. I would also stress that you are managing your illness well.
I really look forward to a time when there's adequate treatment for mental illnesses and no stigma.
posted by theora55 at 9:31 AM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I really look forward to a time when there's adequate treatment for mental illnesses and no stigma.
posted by theora55 at 9:31 AM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
May seem trivial, but coming from someone who has had a Bipolar I first wife and a Bipolar II second wife...make sure you state is as, "I have Bipolar, *TYPE* II," so he doesn't think you meant, "I have Bipolar, ALSO," and freak out before you have a chance to clarify, as I know first hand how I and II are very different and hearing "Bipolar" without the "II" part makes me shiver up and down after what I had to deal with...
Also, I would imagine once that is out of the way, this won't be an issue. He, of all people, should understand the differences without you having to carefully explain them to him.
posted by TinWhistle at 9:31 AM on October 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
Also, I would imagine once that is out of the way, this won't be an issue. He, of all people, should understand the differences without you having to carefully explain them to him.
posted by TinWhistle at 9:31 AM on October 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yeah you really like him, but there is not much of an investment on either end....
You should focus on staying stable and stop seeing this person.
He has a lot of baggage around your diagnosis. A lot. You don't need his stuff in the middle of your stabilization and recovery.
If you had a longer history of stabilization, maybe this would be worth a conversation. As it is, you need to focus on yourself and not dating and sorting out this guy's problems on top of your own.
100% you should not waste 20 more seconds figuring out how to approach this person such that you don't trigger him to flee. It's only been four dates. You guys are likely incompatible long haul, and that's OK.
Every time you have a conflict this will come up. Even if it is just in the back of your mind. I don't want that for you or anyone. Something you manage and hardly think about will become s point of contention interrupting the solid progress you've made. That's not worth it.
That he is a doctor has nothing to do with this. I don't know why folks are bring that up. The focus needs to be on your best interests. He just told you he has a lot of pain around something you are currently managing but dealing with longterm. Adding his issues into the mix will complicate your good health.
Throw this one back. He's not good for you. Even if his initial reaction is positive. Put yourself above the slim chance this won't get messy.
You can find a better horse to bet on. He's not it.
posted by jbenben at 9:44 AM on October 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
You should focus on staying stable and stop seeing this person.
He has a lot of baggage around your diagnosis. A lot. You don't need his stuff in the middle of your stabilization and recovery.
If you had a longer history of stabilization, maybe this would be worth a conversation. As it is, you need to focus on yourself and not dating and sorting out this guy's problems on top of your own.
100% you should not waste 20 more seconds figuring out how to approach this person such that you don't trigger him to flee. It's only been four dates. You guys are likely incompatible long haul, and that's OK.
Every time you have a conflict this will come up. Even if it is just in the back of your mind. I don't want that for you or anyone. Something you manage and hardly think about will become s point of contention interrupting the solid progress you've made. That's not worth it.
That he is a doctor has nothing to do with this. I don't know why folks are bring that up. The focus needs to be on your best interests. He just told you he has a lot of pain around something you are currently managing but dealing with longterm. Adding his issues into the mix will complicate your good health.
Throw this one back. He's not good for you. Even if his initial reaction is positive. Put yourself above the slim chance this won't get messy.
You can find a better horse to bet on. He's not it.
posted by jbenben at 9:44 AM on October 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
You cannot engineer his reaction to be what you want. Print this page, and leave it for him to read. The wait for him to raise the issue.
posted by Kwadeng at 10:15 AM on October 5, 2015
posted by Kwadeng at 10:15 AM on October 5, 2015
jbenben brings up something I meant to touch on, but got sidetracked, which is - don't treat this or think about this like you are broken and he needs to accommodate you. You have your stuff, but he no doubt does as well. In particular, a lot a lot a lot of people who have been long-term partners to people with bipolar disorder have PTSD to some degree from the experience, or other issues like depression, anxiety, or codependency. We are no picnic to live with or be in relationships with, and the question shouldn't be just "should we be in new relationships with people with bipolar disorder", but "are we any good for those people", and the answer is quite possibly no. So early into a period of stability, it might not be great for your own mental health to be involved with someone who has these issues.
I wouldn't say you shouldn't have this conversation and perhaps try to move ahead, but I would say that should also be part of the conversation. You're both bringing issues to this that the other would need to find ways to work with, and if you do want to make something work long term, you're going to have to get very comfortable talking about that.
posted by Stacey at 10:23 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't say you shouldn't have this conversation and perhaps try to move ahead, but I would say that should also be part of the conversation. You're both bringing issues to this that the other would need to find ways to work with, and if you do want to make something work long term, you're going to have to get very comfortable talking about that.
posted by Stacey at 10:23 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
You should tell him as soon as possible, agreed. In the past, when I've had to disclose that I'm bipolar to new partners, I've said:
While I can't control the frequency or severity of any future episodes, I can promise to hold up my end and do my best to manage my disability, by keeping on top of my meds, my appointments, and my self-care. I realize that you don't know me well yet, and you haven't been around to see me managing successfully for 20+ years, so if you'd like to talk to friends of mine who have known me for that long and well, I'm happy to put you in touch with them. If this is a deal breaker for you, that's fair, and I understand.
That's worked well for me; modify it as you see fit.
posted by culfinglin at 10:24 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
While I can't control the frequency or severity of any future episodes, I can promise to hold up my end and do my best to manage my disability, by keeping on top of my meds, my appointments, and my self-care. I realize that you don't know me well yet, and you haven't been around to see me managing successfully for 20+ years, so if you'd like to talk to friends of mine who have known me for that long and well, I'm happy to put you in touch with them. If this is a deal breaker for you, that's fair, and I understand.
That's worked well for me; modify it as you see fit.
posted by culfinglin at 10:24 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yes, you need to tell him ASAP. This may or may not be a dealbreaker for him, and the longer you leave it the more hurt and betrayed he's going to be when he finds out. Telling him now is saying "I recognize this has been a problem for you in the past, so I am giving you the chance to walk away if you need to before you get too attached."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:29 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:29 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yup, tell him as soon as possible. Not in the next five minutes over the phone, but sometime this week when you see each other. I'm not sure that four dates is deep enough in to schedule a specific visit for this talk, but it's deep enough that it might be, depending on what your relationship is like, as well as how the two of you communicate in general.
Your agenda should include telling him your diagnosis, what your BPII is "like" for you and how you handle it, your history and how long you've had it (not just diagnosed with it), and what your more intense episodes are like (and not like). Have you ever had schitzophrenic or paranoid expressions? That's important either way. You also want to make sure he is invited to ask questions and voice concerns during your conversation (depending on the kind of person he is, he may or may not need to hear that invitation explicitly stated).
It's important to be able to explain how you address your illness because it shows that you don't view your BP as "part of you" or something that you have no agency over. Being able to externalize bi-polar is a huge part of being able to successfully deal with it. Ask me how I know.
Hearing how someone else copes also gives the other person a sense for what can go wrong ("I didn't go to the gym yesterday", etc), concrete action for what can go right ("Are you sure you want to go to this show? We'll get home late and you have to be up early tomorrow. That doesn't leave you a lot of time for sleep"), and that you have a successful track record of being, in a sense, your own primary caretaker.
Keep in mind that he may not be able to come to a conclusion right then and there, and that is not synonymous with "No". He may just need to sit with the information for awhile to think on his own, or sort through additional questions or concerns he wasn't able to voice initially.
posted by Poppa Bear at 11:01 AM on October 5, 2015
Your agenda should include telling him your diagnosis, what your BPII is "like" for you and how you handle it, your history and how long you've had it (not just diagnosed with it), and what your more intense episodes are like (and not like). Have you ever had schitzophrenic or paranoid expressions? That's important either way. You also want to make sure he is invited to ask questions and voice concerns during your conversation (depending on the kind of person he is, he may or may not need to hear that invitation explicitly stated).
It's important to be able to explain how you address your illness because it shows that you don't view your BP as "part of you" or something that you have no agency over. Being able to externalize bi-polar is a huge part of being able to successfully deal with it. Ask me how I know.
Hearing how someone else copes also gives the other person a sense for what can go wrong ("I didn't go to the gym yesterday", etc), concrete action for what can go right ("Are you sure you want to go to this show? We'll get home late and you have to be up early tomorrow. That doesn't leave you a lot of time for sleep"), and that you have a successful track record of being, in a sense, your own primary caretaker.
Keep in mind that he may not be able to come to a conclusion right then and there, and that is not synonymous with "No". He may just need to sit with the information for awhile to think on his own, or sort through additional questions or concerns he wasn't able to voice initially.
posted by Poppa Bear at 11:01 AM on October 5, 2015
Just be open about it. The sooner the better.
I had a boyfriend who I was crazy about. He was diagnosed as bipolar. Rather than talking with me about what was going on, how he was feeling, etc. he just hid it and redirected onto other things. The relationship dragged on for almost a year while he downplayed his mental health issues and pretended everything in our relationship was hunky dory. Then he broke up with me out of the blue, probably in connection with side effects from the medications he was on.
This was someone I was in love with. I was thinking marriage and kids. Meanwhile he couldn't even work up the courage to be honest with me about what was going on in his head. It still hurts a lot to think about, years later, despite the fact that I'm in a happy relationship with someone else now.
Bottom line, tell your new dude what's up. There are umpteen reasons for a young relationship to end. If this one ends because bipolar is a dealbreaker for him, it's nothing personal, and while hurtful, probably better to rip the bandaid off now than lie to him just to suck a few more months out of a relationship that was doomed from the start.
(Also, FWIW, while bipolar is now kind of a yellow flag for me in a relationship, the important thing is that the person is capable of communicating about it and managing it. You don't know that you having bipolar is a dealbreaker.)
posted by Sara C. at 12:16 PM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I had a boyfriend who I was crazy about. He was diagnosed as bipolar. Rather than talking with me about what was going on, how he was feeling, etc. he just hid it and redirected onto other things. The relationship dragged on for almost a year while he downplayed his mental health issues and pretended everything in our relationship was hunky dory. Then he broke up with me out of the blue, probably in connection with side effects from the medications he was on.
This was someone I was in love with. I was thinking marriage and kids. Meanwhile he couldn't even work up the courage to be honest with me about what was going on in his head. It still hurts a lot to think about, years later, despite the fact that I'm in a happy relationship with someone else now.
Bottom line, tell your new dude what's up. There are umpteen reasons for a young relationship to end. If this one ends because bipolar is a dealbreaker for him, it's nothing personal, and while hurtful, probably better to rip the bandaid off now than lie to him just to suck a few more months out of a relationship that was doomed from the start.
(Also, FWIW, while bipolar is now kind of a yellow flag for me in a relationship, the important thing is that the person is capable of communicating about it and managing it. You don't know that you having bipolar is a dealbreaker.)
posted by Sara C. at 12:16 PM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Tell him if you trust him. Look, you are actively treating your illness, being self aware and responsible, and if he can't handle it, he can lump it.
But is he one of those people who take your secrets and use them as ammunition against you when conflict arises? Because that person isn't someone you're emotionally safe around, but that's on them (eg if he's ever like "You're just like my ex!") and that's a toxic person you need to withdraw from because they can't be trusted to be supportive.
posted by discopolo at 2:22 PM on October 5, 2015
But is he one of those people who take your secrets and use them as ammunition against you when conflict arises? Because that person isn't someone you're emotionally safe around, but that's on them (eg if he's ever like "You're just like my ex!") and that's a toxic person you need to withdraw from because they can't be trusted to be supportive.
posted by discopolo at 2:22 PM on October 5, 2015
Etrigan has the right of it. If you care, you have to dance the strong dance and do the thing you need to do. If he walks, better to know now.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:30 PM on October 5, 2015
posted by Sebmojo at 2:30 PM on October 5, 2015
The whole "YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING ASAP" business is ridiculous and wrong foots the situation entirely. That's for "I have a highly contagious disease" or "I may be whisked off to a situation room at any minute." "I am allergic to mohair," while you exclusively wear mohair. "Wolves killed my parents," while you were raised by a lovely wolf couple in the Berkshires.
The issue would be that you are terrified and that you already really like him. His job doesn't necessarily mean squat as lots of people will almost proudly tell you they don't know anything outside their narrow interests and some mailman will be very well versed in late 20th c classical composers.
If he spoke about his experiences with a whole haunted, damaged, "I have a reflexive bad attitude about anything like this," it very well could be that he was outlining his deal breakers because he has too much baggage with it to see past it if all he will see you as is a diagnosis.
You are fairly new to dealing with this but it's not something that's impinging on your day to day life or were worried about until now. Something along the lines of "I really like you" and figuring out if he feels the same way matters more, because the idea that someone should confront people with things that might scare or upset them to see if they run away is the type of behavior and attitude that makes people decide they should leave.
If he can take the "I really like you" part and feels similarly, then the "I'm worried about whether you have a blanket problem with issues because of your ex" can be discussed, because it's impossible to tell if you're terrified because of how he acted when he spoke or because you're automatically terrified that someone is judging you with stigma.
If he doesn't already really like you after only two weeks and that doesn't bother you and it doesn't bother him, then figure out if you can stay in this situation without being terrified. The "really like you" part might be enough for him to freak out. The ex story could have been the "I've dealt with a lot of intense relationship stuff so I'm not looking for anything heavy" hint more than "I FEAR ALL BIPOLAR DISORDER RELATED THINGS."
It would be good to figure out if your issues are dealing with stigma or that you already really like this guy. For all you know, despite this one time, it's his "type." The only clear thing is you need to calm down. Generally, terror is not the best place to do things from and this is still the fun, light stage where you do fun, light things while figuring out if there is more to it. If you need to know if it's going anywhere already, that might solve the problem for you.
posted by provoliminal at 11:44 PM on October 5, 2015
The issue would be that you are terrified and that you already really like him. His job doesn't necessarily mean squat as lots of people will almost proudly tell you they don't know anything outside their narrow interests and some mailman will be very well versed in late 20th c classical composers.
If he spoke about his experiences with a whole haunted, damaged, "I have a reflexive bad attitude about anything like this," it very well could be that he was outlining his deal breakers because he has too much baggage with it to see past it if all he will see you as is a diagnosis.
You are fairly new to dealing with this but it's not something that's impinging on your day to day life or were worried about until now. Something along the lines of "I really like you" and figuring out if he feels the same way matters more, because the idea that someone should confront people with things that might scare or upset them to see if they run away is the type of behavior and attitude that makes people decide they should leave.
If he can take the "I really like you" part and feels similarly, then the "I'm worried about whether you have a blanket problem with issues because of your ex" can be discussed, because it's impossible to tell if you're terrified because of how he acted when he spoke or because you're automatically terrified that someone is judging you with stigma.
If he doesn't already really like you after only two weeks and that doesn't bother you and it doesn't bother him, then figure out if you can stay in this situation without being terrified. The "really like you" part might be enough for him to freak out. The ex story could have been the "I've dealt with a lot of intense relationship stuff so I'm not looking for anything heavy" hint more than "I FEAR ALL BIPOLAR DISORDER RELATED THINGS."
It would be good to figure out if your issues are dealing with stigma or that you already really like this guy. For all you know, despite this one time, it's his "type." The only clear thing is you need to calm down. Generally, terror is not the best place to do things from and this is still the fun, light stage where you do fun, light things while figuring out if there is more to it. If you need to know if it's going anywhere already, that might solve the problem for you.
posted by provoliminal at 11:44 PM on October 5, 2015
The only reason this is "tell him now" is because he has just told her "whew, my last relationship was with somebody bipolar, won't be doing that again!" So she needs to set him straight on that, or he'll feel like she's lied by omission when he does find out.
If it had never come up in conversation I would agree, too early. But it has, so she needs to tell him. The relationship will definitely be poisoned if she doesn't - she already feels like she's hiding things from him, and that's a crappy basis for a relationship. I would say the same if he'd said "I'm never dating a cat owner again" or something else entirely unrelated to her mental health.
posted by tinkletown at 11:54 PM on October 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
If it had never come up in conversation I would agree, too early. But it has, so she needs to tell him. The relationship will definitely be poisoned if she doesn't - she already feels like she's hiding things from him, and that's a crappy basis for a relationship. I would say the same if he'd said "I'm never dating a cat owner again" or something else entirely unrelated to her mental health.
posted by tinkletown at 11:54 PM on October 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
But he didn't say that, he was explaining why he got divorced, because she asked why he got divorced. If she had suddenly piped up then with, "Well, I have type 2," that would pretty much be saying, "Who cares about what you went through-- let's talk about me now." The last straw being the delusional persecuted state of his wife is not a segue to anything about her except her reaction to his experience, unless he did whip it off like a quippy anecdote in a crappy sitcom.
We don't know if this was face to face or on the phone, but if it was that black and white, it's not much of a question of when to tell as when to end it, which still doesn't have to involve saying anything about herself.
posted by provoliminal at 12:29 AM on October 6, 2015
We don't know if this was face to face or on the phone, but if it was that black and white, it's not much of a question of when to tell as when to end it, which still doesn't have to involve saying anything about herself.
posted by provoliminal at 12:29 AM on October 6, 2015
Tell him soon. Give him the whole dx you have, BPII. Tell him about the treatment you're faithfully undertaking. Give him your own honest assessment of the illness (you're stable, it's not a daily struggle so far, etc.). Then tell him you really like him, and you respect him, and that's why you're talking him about this; because you know about his marriage and struggles with his ex, and he needs to know this about you before you proceed any further. Tell him that if you had any reason to think that this would make you unable to maintain a relationship, you'd not have begun this relationship. But, in spite of that, you'd understand if he couldn't proceed. It'd hurt greatly, but you'd understand, and that decision is his to make.
posted by persona au gratin at 12:31 AM on October 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by persona au gratin at 12:31 AM on October 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Ehhhh, four dates in (unless it was four dates over a long weekend or something) is getting into the time when you start telling people about the important stuff that they're going to need to know if this is going to become a real relationship. That includes bipolar.
Bipolar isn't on the level of "this isn't my natural hair color" or "I'm Episcopalian". It's a serious medical condition, and it's something that will necessarily impact the life of your significant other.
Part of being in a relationship is doing the work of telling the other person stuff they're going to need to know. It's not always fun. But you have to do it. And not wanting to because you think it will make you less attractive to the other person isn't an excuse.
posted by Sara C. at 10:21 AM on October 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
Bipolar isn't on the level of "this isn't my natural hair color" or "I'm Episcopalian". It's a serious medical condition, and it's something that will necessarily impact the life of your significant other.
Part of being in a relationship is doing the work of telling the other person stuff they're going to need to know. It's not always fun. But you have to do it. And not wanting to because you think it will make you less attractive to the other person isn't an excuse.
posted by Sara C. at 10:21 AM on October 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
There is no way to tell him that will guarantee an outcome where he thinks, "Ok, this won't be a problem." Sometimes people have deal breakers that you're not going to be able to get around, and this may be one for him.
posted by bswinburn at 8:20 AM on October 5, 2015 [29 favorites]