How to ask my coworker to stop chewing gum so loudly?

August 27, 2015 1:00 PM

My coworker chews gum really loudly and it annoys me. Best way to tell him (if at all)?

I sit in an open office. The guy next to me chews with his mouth open so you can hear these smacking noises. I can put up with hearing the mouth noises during lunch, but he also chews gum all day long, so there is this constant smacking/chomping/saliva noise (with the occasional popping) that drives me insane.

What's the best way for me to tell him to chew his gum more quietly without seeming like a jerk? Or should I just put up with it? I've worked in this type of open office environment my entire career and I have never been annoyed by anyone's chewing noises. I really think the problem is just that he doesn't chew with his mouth closed. On the other hand, I'm the type of person who gets annoyed by little noises, so I don't know if I'm just overreacting.

Also, I'm aware chewing with your mouth open can be a cultural thing. We are both of the same ethnic background (and both 2nd-generation) and 1st-generation immigrants of our ethnicity generally chew with their mouths open. My parents eat like that. He is very Americanized in all other aspects, so I suspect he just isn't aware his chewing is loud.

For what it's worth, he is also my direct report, so I don't want to sound like a tyrannical boss. It's just impacting my ability to concentrate and be productive. I don't want to make it "don't chew gum", because I chew gum myself, and I've sat next to people who chew gum all the time and never noticed it, but I don't want to make it as personal/demeaning as "chew with your mouth closed."

Thoughts?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total)

When this happened to me (after it got so bad I went to see my line manager, my GP and a psychologist about it, because I didn't know how to handle the stress it caused), I asked the gum chewer if we could have a chat, popped into a meeting room and simply asked that he stop smacking his gum as it was affecting my ability to concentrate. I didn't mention the stress, or the psychologist. He was absolutely mortified, and made a huge effort to stop. Good luck; as someone with misophonia, I feel your pain.
posted by veebs at 1:12 PM on August 27, 2015 [8 favorites]

Just say something nicely and in private. I chew gum constantly and occasionally find myself snapping it - I would not mind in the least if a coworker (or boss) mentioned that it was annoying them and asked me to stop.
posted by snaw at 1:16 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Hey, you probably don't realize it, but I can actually hear you chewing your gum all day, and it's distracting. Can you try to chew it more quietly, please? Thanks!"
posted by jacquilynne at 1:20 PM on August 27, 2015 [13 favorites]

Bob, you sound like my Dad, could you chew with your mouth closed please?
posted by Iteki at 1:55 PM on August 27, 2015 [7 favorites]

Nope. Not if he's your direct report. In that case, you can't use any of these suggestions because of the power differential. Also, depending on your location and kind of organisation, it could be used to bolster a perception of unfair bias in case of dispute about performance or pay. (If he wasn't your direct report, then I would suggest a direct approach.)

If you really can't live with it, talk to HR about it and get advice about how to handle this. If you're exposed to client situations, you might gently bring up that gum chewing in front of clients can be perceived as unprofessional. Otherwise, is moving your desk a possibility? Use any excuse you like for that.
posted by frumiousb at 4:08 PM on August 27, 2015

(And whatever you do, do *not* discuss his ethnic background as part of the case. Even if you think it's a factor.)
posted by frumiousb at 4:14 PM on August 27, 2015

Sorry, just thought of one possible approach-- my current boss is similarly sensitive to chewing noise. He handles it by making big jokes about his own phobia and telling stories about how his kids can make him crazy with gum. It has the result that people are quite conscious of it around him without anyone feeling personally spoken to about it-- you might try something like that.
posted by frumiousb at 4:18 PM on August 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

I like jacquilynne's answer in theory, and normally I think mentioning something bothersome nicely works out, but in this case I'd suck it up. (And probably start listening to something like soothing music or white noise with my headphones or quietly seeking a more distant spot in the office to which you can relocate.) This is something that I think he'd feel humiliated to hear no matter how you put it.
posted by bearwife at 4:39 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

I ask people to chew their gum more quietly all the time. It's actually not so bad! Try implicating yourself more than the loud chewer, though: "Argh, I have this stupid thing where I cannot handle any gum noise. It's so ridiculous, and I can't believe I'm even asking this but, can you actually chew your gum more quietly when I'm around, please?" Adjust to your desired level of self-effacement, particularly upon reminders. "Can you chew that gum more quietly, please? Ha ha, remember my whole weird thing about it." And as frumiousb says, add in additional anecdotes about your hatred of gum noise. "I was on the bus this morning and I almost lost my dang mind, this person was chewing so loud" or "I couldn't even finish The Panic In Needle Park because Al Pacino is just chewing gum so loud for the first hour!" Etc. (That one's real. Hooo boy.)
posted by Charity Garfein at 5:10 PM on August 27, 2015 [5 favorites]

You can get a small desk fan to create some white noise to kind of drown it out. Or you can privately pull him aside and ask if he can chew his gum more quietly because you can hear it from where you're sitting? I would not tell him it's annoying or anything. The fact that you are asking him to be quiet is enough. These are uncomfortable conversations, but my boss had to tell one of my co-workers to wear deodorant/shower more. He didn't smell after that.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:29 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

This is your direct report so this is very simple, direct them to stop smacking their gum, no explanations needed (and do leave the culture stuff out of it). That's the whole point of being the boss. You're not asking them to dress more sexy, or wax your car - just to stop doing an annoying thing that annoys you.
posted by ftm at 6:36 PM on August 27, 2015 [8 favorites]

Tell him. He'll be fine, even if he's humiliated for a short while. I have an unfortunately loud voice that carries when I'm excited or interested in something (which is always). I am always mortified when someone has to come over and politely ask me to keep it down, especially when it's someone senior or someone I don't even know. But of course I want to be told when I'm disturbing someone's ability to work. I'm sure some of my coworkers just stew in silence, annoyed with my irritating volume control problems, and that thought hurts me far worse than a quick, respectful "Check yourself."
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 8:39 PM on August 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

frumiousb and Charity G have the right idea.

If you make this a big scary humiliating deal, and say it in a tone of voice that acknowledges that this is a big scary humiliating deal, you're just creating a problem when one doesn't actually have to exist.

The way to accomplish this is with humor. There is no better way. Not mean or degrading humor, but light, casual, breezy, "only 2 seconds of thought, why would this ever even be offensive?" humor.

I agree that self-deprecating humor helps a lot. And just general silliness and joking, in a clearly nice and forgiving way. This gets you very far and the lack of this option is one of the downsides of a super-serious workplace. Humor is a great tool.
posted by quincunx at 8:59 PM on August 27, 2015

1. Ear plugs.

2. Focus on listening to him chew gum. I mean, concentrate your mind completely on it, 24/7. See how long you can do it, everyday in and out. (Seriously, try this)

3. HR

There is no nice way to say these things AND be certain the other person won't be hurt or seriously offended. Are the potential consequences worth the trouble?
posted by xm at 3:20 AM on August 28, 2015

I ask people to chew their gum more quietly all the time.

Thank you! As a (mostly) reformed gum super-popper I appreciate the people who told me because omg it's obnoxious but it's very possible he's not even aware of it. Does he smoke, or has he recently quit? That always increased my gum action. But it could just be a nervous habit, too. I wouldn't be surprised if he knows loud gum-popping is annoying, but that he just doesn't think he's that guy.

The fact that he's a direct report makes it easier, plus maybe you could frame it more as a mentoring moment, too. (I'm assuming he's younger; this seems to be a thing most people grow out of.)
posted by Room 641-A at 5:17 AM on August 28, 2015

I think it's fine to politely ask, but as an alternative, could you try wearing noise-canceling headphones (with or without music, depending on the level of the noise)? Even though they're designed for more constant noises, like an airplane engine, I've been amazed by how much else mine can block out. Way more effective than earplugs (and more normal looking in an office). I have a Bose version that are tiny earbuds rather than full headphones.
posted by three_red_balloons at 9:03 AM on August 28, 2015

Is relocating your desk not an option?
posted by vignettist at 10:08 PM on August 28, 2015

"Bob, can I give you some feedback?"

"Sure!"

"When you chew gum loudly, it affects my ability to concentrate. Do you think you could change that?"

"Err ... sure?"

"Great, thanks!"

And that's it. You might have to ask a couple of times, but critically:

- ask for permission to give feedback
- keep the tone neutral and light
- "when you X" ... "this happens"
- ask for a commitment to change
- walk away

If you're lucky, he'll be surprised/slightly mortified, and change instantly; and he'll feel that he owns the change because you asked for permission to talk about it, and then you asked him to own the change and he agreed.

If you're less lucky, you might have to do this a couple of times over a couple of weeks. Always keep it light; use the same tone as if you were giving positive feedback.

Fellow misophonia sufferer here; mouth noises make me want to stab something.
posted by nonspecialist at 5:49 AM on August 29, 2015