I own a flat and haven't told the guy I am dating about it.
July 30, 2015 11:39 AM Subscribe
I haven't told him yet and feel like a liar. I haven't told him for a reason, but want to tell him now. How should I tell him and how much should I go into detail?
I own a flat with my brother, in a nice part of London and feel very lucky and grateful. It was given to us by our grandparents two years ago as a security because our parents have been very unlucky with money and not spent it in the best of ways. My brother was given 50,000 pounds for university as he would be an international student, and my dad took it, spent it all and is now in serious debt, so my brother never went to university. My mum practically lives in a slum with no electricity or water. They used to be rich and spent their money unwisely various times even though my grandparents helped them with money more than once. My grandparents bought my brother and I the flat to protect us. I used to help my parents by giving them both money, thousands, even though I don't have a well paid job and just recently started my life in the working world. This past year I have grown immensely and realised that I am not responsible for my parents well being and have to look out for myself, so I have stopped giving them money and have been a lot happier and no longer am I depressed. I love my life now, but am scared of revealing details about my family who have not treated me very well.
On our first date, my guy told me he bought a flat with a mortgage but I didn't tell him about my place. I instead lied and said I am renting at a very cheap rate, because I didn't want to go into the details of my family with someone I barely know, or have him think I am from a rich family when in fact I am not.
We have been dating for a couple of months now and I feel closer to him. He says I am happy and optimistic (which I am) but have melancholic eyes, and so I told him a few details that I struggled with recently, also due to family, not mentioned here. I have to tell him I own the flat now, what should I tell him though? I hope he doesn't feel like I was keeping something from him, I feel bad for lying. We aren't exclusive yet but we do like each other quite a bit, however still a lot to learn from each other.
Should I say I own the flat and wait to tell him why it was given to my brother and I if our relationship goes deeper, or shall I be open and tell him everything I've written here? He already knows various situations that were tough for me, and there are many more to come and I don't want to treat him like a therapist telling him all the difficult times I've had. I know that it is unwise to go into too many details at the beginning stages of dating as it could drive them away.
If it doesn't work out with him, I am also looking at how to tell future men I date. I know I am deserving of love, but I am scared of not being loved if they find out about my family's burdens which are endless and depressing and just a big weight. But if I say I own a flat, they will think I am rich which is deceiving. Thank you in advance.
I own a flat with my brother, in a nice part of London and feel very lucky and grateful. It was given to us by our grandparents two years ago as a security because our parents have been very unlucky with money and not spent it in the best of ways. My brother was given 50,000 pounds for university as he would be an international student, and my dad took it, spent it all and is now in serious debt, so my brother never went to university. My mum practically lives in a slum with no electricity or water. They used to be rich and spent their money unwisely various times even though my grandparents helped them with money more than once. My grandparents bought my brother and I the flat to protect us. I used to help my parents by giving them both money, thousands, even though I don't have a well paid job and just recently started my life in the working world. This past year I have grown immensely and realised that I am not responsible for my parents well being and have to look out for myself, so I have stopped giving them money and have been a lot happier and no longer am I depressed. I love my life now, but am scared of revealing details about my family who have not treated me very well.
On our first date, my guy told me he bought a flat with a mortgage but I didn't tell him about my place. I instead lied and said I am renting at a very cheap rate, because I didn't want to go into the details of my family with someone I barely know, or have him think I am from a rich family when in fact I am not.
We have been dating for a couple of months now and I feel closer to him. He says I am happy and optimistic (which I am) but have melancholic eyes, and so I told him a few details that I struggled with recently, also due to family, not mentioned here. I have to tell him I own the flat now, what should I tell him though? I hope he doesn't feel like I was keeping something from him, I feel bad for lying. We aren't exclusive yet but we do like each other quite a bit, however still a lot to learn from each other.
Should I say I own the flat and wait to tell him why it was given to my brother and I if our relationship goes deeper, or shall I be open and tell him everything I've written here? He already knows various situations that were tough for me, and there are many more to come and I don't want to treat him like a therapist telling him all the difficult times I've had. I know that it is unwise to go into too many details at the beginning stages of dating as it could drive them away.
If it doesn't work out with him, I am also looking at how to tell future men I date. I know I am deserving of love, but I am scared of not being loved if they find out about my family's burdens which are endless and depressing and just a big weight. But if I say I own a flat, they will think I am rich which is deceiving. Thank you in advance.
You're totally overthinking this. Be open if that's what you want in a relationship. If it will make you feel better, come clean about the flat since you did actually tell a fib in that case. Sobby details aren't required, maybe just a mention that the situation is complicated and you didn't want to go into it at the time. You don't exactly owe it to him but it's obviously wearing on you.
posted by FakeFreyja at 11:45 AM on July 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by FakeFreyja at 11:45 AM on July 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
This is none of his business. You are not exclusive. You do not "have" to tell him anything.
This is in your head for the most part. There is no problem. Personally, I would not mention this unless you were, like, getting married or something.
When you get to the point you are getting married, or close to it, your beloved should have nothing but empathy regarding your upbringing, and nothing but respect towards your privacy.
Anyone who might accuse you of "withholding" or "lying" about your family history and your financial situation regarding that should be dumped immediately. Anyone with a shred of decency would realize this is your private personal life that is none of their business.
The ownership of your flat is of zero concern to anyone you are dating. Why would you think otherwise?
posted by jbenben at 11:48 AM on July 30, 2015 [28 favorites]
This is in your head for the most part. There is no problem. Personally, I would not mention this unless you were, like, getting married or something.
When you get to the point you are getting married, or close to it, your beloved should have nothing but empathy regarding your upbringing, and nothing but respect towards your privacy.
Anyone who might accuse you of "withholding" or "lying" about your family history and your financial situation regarding that should be dumped immediately. Anyone with a shred of decency would realize this is your private personal life that is none of their business.
The ownership of your flat is of zero concern to anyone you are dating. Why would you think otherwise?
posted by jbenben at 11:48 AM on July 30, 2015 [28 favorites]
the only time your finances are anyone's business is if they are your accountant, your government auditor, or your legally wedded partner.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:50 AM on July 30, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:50 AM on July 30, 2015 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Whenever it comes up naturally and you feel like sharing, a simple, "I own a flat with my brother. It was a gift from our grandparents" should suffice.
Details and complicated, painful family histories don't need to be a part of what can easily be dropped as a simple life fact.
posted by phunniemee at 11:51 AM on July 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
Details and complicated, painful family histories don't need to be a part of what can easily be dropped as a simple life fact.
posted by phunniemee at 11:51 AM on July 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
I know I am deserving of love, but I am scared of not being loved if they find out about my family's burdens which are endless and depressing and just a big weight.
Here's the thing: the people who won't love you because your family is screwy and depressing, you don't actually want their kind of love.
You don't owe the person you're dating your personal financial details unless and until your finances are in a position to affect theirs: cohabitation, marriage, raising children together. Be as cagey with your info as you like; if being cagey troubles you, feel free to be more honest. If he runs screaming because your family is not a hallmark card, then good riddance to weak rubbish.
But you would not be a liar if you simply said, "actually I own that flat, together with my brother, that's why we can afford it." and said no more about it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:51 AM on July 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
Here's the thing: the people who won't love you because your family is screwy and depressing, you don't actually want their kind of love.
You don't owe the person you're dating your personal financial details unless and until your finances are in a position to affect theirs: cohabitation, marriage, raising children together. Be as cagey with your info as you like; if being cagey troubles you, feel free to be more honest. If he runs screaming because your family is not a hallmark card, then good riddance to weak rubbish.
But you would not be a liar if you simply said, "actually I own that flat, together with my brother, that's why we can afford it." and said no more about it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:51 AM on July 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
You share a flat with your brother, end of story. The details are really none of his business. Really. Play money matters close to the vest. That way in the long run you are less likely to be taken advantage of. Your parents have already done this to you, don't let a partner to it too.
posted by PJMoore at 11:53 AM on July 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by PJMoore at 11:53 AM on July 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
Your family details and the details of your financial situation are yours and yours alone. There is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, and I admire and respect the way you've realized that certain interactions with your parents is not in your best interests.
Perhaps some of your overthinking of this situation comes from a sense of shame about your family background - while I can't read your mind, you should know that this absolutely should not be the case.
Until you're fully committed to someone (as in, marriage and kids) there is no need to divulge every little detail of your life to them, especially when it comes to family and finances. Some people are callous and can take advantage of your insecurities in this regard; others will accept you for who you are and know that your experience have shaped you today. In this particular case, you lied to him, but there is no need for you to correct this right now if you're not comfortable. Let him see the positive life you've built for yourself, and let him earn the right to be told your deepest secrets.
posted by Everydayville at 11:59 AM on July 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Perhaps some of your overthinking of this situation comes from a sense of shame about your family background - while I can't read your mind, you should know that this absolutely should not be the case.
Until you're fully committed to someone (as in, marriage and kids) there is no need to divulge every little detail of your life to them, especially when it comes to family and finances. Some people are callous and can take advantage of your insecurities in this regard; others will accept you for who you are and know that your experience have shaped you today. In this particular case, you lied to him, but there is no need for you to correct this right now if you're not comfortable. Let him see the positive life you've built for yourself, and let him earn the right to be told your deepest secrets.
posted by Everydayville at 11:59 AM on July 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Well, owning a flat in London at all isn't something many people can do, so I can see why you might want to explain it if money does come up. But I think "family investment" and "gift from grandparents, very lucky" are decent explanations, if you want to offer them. But you can probably just avoid it by saying you live there, rather than going into how it is you're living there.
As far as talking about your family, shame, complex feelings - agree with WPOFIBH, talk about it as much as is comfortable for you (and only as much). (Also agree that disclosure can be a helpful filter, though. And I think you might be surprised at how many people have challenging backgrounds and complex family dynamics. Not that anyone's obliged to discuss them, at any time, but it's more common than you think, and it can be a huge relief to be able to share history with someone who can understand.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:01 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
As far as talking about your family, shame, complex feelings - agree with WPOFIBH, talk about it as much as is comfortable for you (and only as much). (Also agree that disclosure can be a helpful filter, though. And I think you might be surprised at how many people have challenging backgrounds and complex family dynamics. Not that anyone's obliged to discuss them, at any time, but it's more common than you think, and it can be a huge relief to be able to share history with someone who can understand.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:01 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
"I actually own this flat. The story behind it includes some things that are hard to talk about, which is why I didn't even want to bring it up. Sorry I said I rented it, but I didn't want to make our first date weird. I didn't mean to be dishonest."
But you should only share with him what you want to share with him. Don't feel like you have to. As far as lies go, this is pretty small. It's not as if you lied about your identity or marriage status.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:04 PM on July 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
But you should only share with him what you want to share with him. Don't feel like you have to. As far as lies go, this is pretty small. It's not as if you lied about your identity or marriage status.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:04 PM on July 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
You don't owe him any details that you don't want to share. Hopefully eventually you will feel comfortable sharing more with him but most people wouldn't want to talk about painful family matters until they've been in a relationship for a while; that's not something you have to apologize for or feel bad about.
I would suggest in the future to avoid lying per se, and just keep details to yourself -- "my brother and I got the flat as a gift from our grandparents" without an explanation why is just fine. Just so that you don't have to awkwardly explain later why you said something that wasn't true. But regardless, it's very minor and it's about something that doesn't affect your boyfriend in the slightest, so it's not something you should feel worried about when you explain the whole situation to him eventually.
posted by mister pointy at 12:05 PM on July 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would suggest in the future to avoid lying per se, and just keep details to yourself -- "my brother and I got the flat as a gift from our grandparents" without an explanation why is just fine. Just so that you don't have to awkwardly explain later why you said something that wasn't true. But regardless, it's very minor and it's about something that doesn't affect your boyfriend in the slightest, so it's not something you should feel worried about when you explain the whole situation to him eventually.
posted by mister pointy at 12:05 PM on July 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm glad to hear that you're looking after yourself now and being a lot happier for it!
I agree that the details are of your financial arrangements with your family is none of your dates business, if you don't want him to know, and if he makes a big deal of you not telling him, he's not a good person, at all.
On the other hand, it sounds like you may want to be able to share this piece of yourself with him (or other men you date), eventually? At least for me, sharing mental burdens like this is part of the emotional intimacy of a relationship, and it's nice to have some other person actually care. On the other hand, it is a scary thing too, to make yourself vulnerable, and it is okay if it takes the time it takes.
I wouldn't worry too much about "treating him like a therapist". I think oversharing too much too early can be a problem when you're dating someone, but you've been dating for a while now. And just from your post, you seem like a very thoughtful person, so I think you're still very far from stepping over that line.
As a more practical idea, I think it might be easier (for both of you) if you sort of gradually ease him into knowing what kind of relationship with your family, if you haven't already? Mention little things like "oh, my parents used to do this-and-this, I'm glad that I don't have that much contact with them anymore". And that thing about your brother's university tuition. So that he'll have the context to understand what's going on in your head.
And you do deserve love, from this guy and (potentially) from future boyfriends-to-come! Good luck!
posted by water under the bridge at 12:08 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree that the details are of your financial arrangements with your family is none of your dates business, if you don't want him to know, and if he makes a big deal of you not telling him, he's not a good person, at all.
On the other hand, it sounds like you may want to be able to share this piece of yourself with him (or other men you date), eventually? At least for me, sharing mental burdens like this is part of the emotional intimacy of a relationship, and it's nice to have some other person actually care. On the other hand, it is a scary thing too, to make yourself vulnerable, and it is okay if it takes the time it takes.
I wouldn't worry too much about "treating him like a therapist". I think oversharing too much too early can be a problem when you're dating someone, but you've been dating for a while now. And just from your post, you seem like a very thoughtful person, so I think you're still very far from stepping over that line.
As a more practical idea, I think it might be easier (for both of you) if you sort of gradually ease him into knowing what kind of relationship with your family, if you haven't already? Mention little things like "oh, my parents used to do this-and-this, I'm glad that I don't have that much contact with them anymore". And that thing about your brother's university tuition. So that he'll have the context to understand what's going on in your head.
And you do deserve love, from this guy and (potentially) from future boyfriends-to-come! Good luck!
posted by water under the bridge at 12:08 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
My parents own the building I used to live in. I currently am the *President and Manager of another property near where I live (*which roughly translates into superintendent/rental agent).
Years ago I used to brag about it, hoping to impress people, until I matured a bit and realized that the only people who would be impressed other than a "that's cool!" are shady people who thought they stood something to gain. In fact, I'm fairly certain it turned off many more people who thought I was full of myself (no argument here).
I don't really mention it any longer, unless it would result in a lying response to a direct question. People's finances and assets are their own business, and should neither be something to be bragged about, nor be ashamed of.
Also, you lied about being a part owner of a flat vs. a renter, not exactly a relationship killer. Property ownership does not define who you are or what you stand for, which is far more important in a relationship than what you happen to own. Now.... lies regarding married vs. single, parent vs. childless, addict/alcoholic vs. normal drinker, religious vs. agnostic... those are lies which could kill the deal.
If you're incredibly nervous, watch Coming to America (which this situation is decidely not) with him, tell him the truth and laugh about it.
posted by Debaser626 at 12:16 PM on July 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Years ago I used to brag about it, hoping to impress people, until I matured a bit and realized that the only people who would be impressed other than a "that's cool!" are shady people who thought they stood something to gain. In fact, I'm fairly certain it turned off many more people who thought I was full of myself (no argument here).
I don't really mention it any longer, unless it would result in a lying response to a direct question. People's finances and assets are their own business, and should neither be something to be bragged about, nor be ashamed of.
Also, you lied about being a part owner of a flat vs. a renter, not exactly a relationship killer. Property ownership does not define who you are or what you stand for, which is far more important in a relationship than what you happen to own. Now.... lies regarding married vs. single, parent vs. childless, addict/alcoholic vs. normal drinker, religious vs. agnostic... those are lies which could kill the deal.
If you're incredibly nervous, watch Coming to America (which this situation is decidely not) with him, tell him the truth and laugh about it.
posted by Debaser626 at 12:16 PM on July 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: "Remember when I said I was renting this flat? Yeah, well my brother and I own it. I don't like to share those kind of details on a first date, but I feel like we're close enough to be open and honest about that now. Hey, want to go get some ice cream?"
posted by blue_beetle at 12:26 PM on July 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by blue_beetle at 12:26 PM on July 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Why would a man that you're dating, not even exclusively yet, be entitled to the details of your financial history and how it intersects with your difficult family history? You don't need to feel guilty at all about keeping this very private information private for as long as you want. And, if someone you're dating gets upset about your very reasonable and sensible sense of privacy about your financials, that's a giant red flag and I'd drop them like a hot potato.
In cases where people have a difficult family history, it's not at all unusual to be guarded and not volunteer or disclose that information until a very strong and trustworthy relationship has been established. You should never feel rushed to disclose these things and you should never feel as though some white lies to protect your privacy are a terrible betrayal. Anyone who makes you feel that way is being selfish, inappropriate, and very unkind. If and when you do decide to tell this fellow, don't fall all over yourself apologizing. You don't owe anyone an apology for maintaining your right to have privacy. You've done nothing wrong.
posted by quince at 12:29 PM on July 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
In cases where people have a difficult family history, it's not at all unusual to be guarded and not volunteer or disclose that information until a very strong and trustworthy relationship has been established. You should never feel rushed to disclose these things and you should never feel as though some white lies to protect your privacy are a terrible betrayal. Anyone who makes you feel that way is being selfish, inappropriate, and very unkind. If and when you do decide to tell this fellow, don't fall all over yourself apologizing. You don't owe anyone an apology for maintaining your right to have privacy. You've done nothing wrong.
posted by quince at 12:29 PM on July 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
If I was dating someone and I thought they rented their place and then months in they said "oh btw I actually own this place" and didn't say anything more … that would be a red flag. Why are they being weird about this?
Certainly you don't have to tell him anything now. Though if this ends up as a longer-term thing then this secret may fester.
If you are looking to get deeper with him, if you trust him, then I suggest telling him everything you said here. This secret — and it's attendant shame — will be no more, and, if he is a good dude and he reacts goodly, then you will have built more closeness with each other.
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:37 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Certainly you don't have to tell him anything now. Though if this ends up as a longer-term thing then this secret may fester.
If you are looking to get deeper with him, if you trust him, then I suggest telling him everything you said here. This secret — and it's attendant shame — will be no more, and, if he is a good dude and he reacts goodly, then you will have built more closeness with each other.
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:37 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Two months in is too early to start divulging your finances to him. In the future, say you SHARE a flat with brother and try to avoid getting into whether you rent, own whatever.
If this does become exclusive, some time after that point you can talk about how, in romantic comedies, there is routinely some misunderstanding where someone feels betrayed or lied to, often because they were told something inaccurate early in the relationship when it was not really their business and the truth would have been a security risk for the party who engaged in misdirection or half truths or what not and then indicate you want to set the record straight at this time.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 12:37 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
If this does become exclusive, some time after that point you can talk about how, in romantic comedies, there is routinely some misunderstanding where someone feels betrayed or lied to, often because they were told something inaccurate early in the relationship when it was not really their business and the truth would have been a security risk for the party who engaged in misdirection or half truths or what not and then indicate you want to set the record straight at this time.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 12:37 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Part of me thinks "well it's none of his business anyway" and another part thing "but why bother lying about it?" I think it would have been better to start off with "I own it... family... long story" and furnish him with the full details if and when the relationship becomes serious. While you don't owe him a breakdown of your financial situation, it's never a good idea to start a relationship with a lie. Now you can't take back what you said, so what can you do to make up for it? I think the next time the topic comes up say "I don't actually rent it, I own it, but it's a bit complicated and I don't want to go into it". I think if he's a decent sort (and nothing you said made me think he isn't) he will respect your privacy and be glad you corrected the lie in time.
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:42 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:42 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I understand fibbing about this. Saying you own a flat in London, indicates a LOT about your financial situation that isn't true in your case. I'd just not say anything else for a while if it comes up later explain "hey, it was a long ugly story so I glossed over it"
I do like the suggestion of "I share a flat with my brother" as a good explanation in the future and just leave it at that.
posted by French Fry at 12:47 PM on July 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
I do like the suggestion of "I share a flat with my brother" as a good explanation in the future and just leave it at that.
posted by French Fry at 12:47 PM on July 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
As a guy I would find this no problem whatsoever. I think he should just love you more for opening up. Good luck!
posted by hz37 at 1:26 PM on July 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by hz37 at 1:26 PM on July 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
My partner has a very complicated, and somewhat tragic, family history. When we met, I, too, could sense his reticence to share, and I let it go. But I couldn't let it go for very long because it crept, perniciously, into a lot of situations where the mystery and lack of information became an undeniable elephant in the room. I finally asked him, in a very private setting, if he'd be willing to at least give me the "executive summary" version because being kept an outsider very much left me an outsider, one who did not know how to avoid bringing up subjects that would send him into "melancholic eyes" territory. And so that's what he did--he gave me the high level details.
When we got more serious, and our trust built, he opened up about the subsurface parts very naturally, without prompts. We saw his mom (with whom he hadn't spoken in more than a decade at that point) in a restaurant one night and he more or less sprinted to the door without explanation. When I caught up to him and helped bring him down a bit, I apologized for having asked him to talk about a relationship that was so obviously painful. His response was: "No, no, thank you for asking me and listening, I'd never talked about it before and if you hadn't known then what would this have looked like to you? I shudder to think." And we hugged, and he sobbed, and we left the place behind, and he started telling me more about the whole scenario.
People deal with secrets differently, just as they react differntly to one's motivations for keeping them. For some people, secrecy is a deal breaker. For others, it's a non-issue. But there are levels of disclosure that tread the fine line between full honesty and need-to-know essentials, and you've outlined something like that very succinctly in your post. You could pare it down even further (e.g. my parents were not responsible with money and it hurt my brother and me badly enough that my grandparents helped me into a property as a security investment, and it's not easy to talk about), if you wish to test the waters of disclosure. Then be guided by how it feels to get some of that off your chest. You may find, like my partner, some liberation in it.
Congratulations on getting to a good place. Wondering about questions like this are preferable to worrying about being a caretaker for your family.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:43 PM on July 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
When we got more serious, and our trust built, he opened up about the subsurface parts very naturally, without prompts. We saw his mom (with whom he hadn't spoken in more than a decade at that point) in a restaurant one night and he more or less sprinted to the door without explanation. When I caught up to him and helped bring him down a bit, I apologized for having asked him to talk about a relationship that was so obviously painful. His response was: "No, no, thank you for asking me and listening, I'd never talked about it before and if you hadn't known then what would this have looked like to you? I shudder to think." And we hugged, and he sobbed, and we left the place behind, and he started telling me more about the whole scenario.
People deal with secrets differently, just as they react differntly to one's motivations for keeping them. For some people, secrecy is a deal breaker. For others, it's a non-issue. But there are levels of disclosure that tread the fine line between full honesty and need-to-know essentials, and you've outlined something like that very succinctly in your post. You could pare it down even further (e.g. my parents were not responsible with money and it hurt my brother and me badly enough that my grandparents helped me into a property as a security investment, and it's not easy to talk about), if you wish to test the waters of disclosure. Then be guided by how it feels to get some of that off your chest. You may find, like my partner, some liberation in it.
Congratulations on getting to a good place. Wondering about questions like this are preferable to worrying about being a caretaker for your family.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:43 PM on July 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
I can not in any way imagining thinking of this mattering one bit to me were I him. At most it would be a data point along the lines of whether you subscribe to Netflix or if your heat is gas or electric.
So don't tell him. It's a much, much bigger deal for you than it could ever be for him.
posted by inturnaround at 2:36 PM on July 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
So don't tell him. It's a much, much bigger deal for you than it could ever be for him.
posted by inturnaround at 2:36 PM on July 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think your agonizing over this is a symptom of your suffering from years of dealing with your financially demanding parents. The idea of someone demanding to know the details of your finances, how you came about any assets you might have, and accusing you of "decieving" them if you withhold what is very private information, is bizarre-- UNLESS you were raised by people who constantly demanded to know how much money you had so they could take it and spend it, and who would guilt trip you if you didn't hand it over. I don't know if you're in therapy (I know, mefi cliche) about the financial abuse you and your brother suffered at the hands of your parents, but it might help you out to find someone, a counselor or not, who you can talk about this stuff. Good luck. You don't have to tell him about the flat.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 3:19 PM on July 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 3:19 PM on July 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
I don't think you need to tell him this yet. You've only been dating a couple of months, your financial situation and difficult family stuff isn't really any of his business.
I have some tricky family stuff to deal with too, and my advice would be to slowly talk about difficult family stuff when you feel comfortable and when there's an opportunity to. eg. I was hanging out with an acquaintance other day and he asked what my parents do. I said, "My mum works as a teacher. My dad used to work in healthcare... I think he's retired now. We don't see each other very often." So, if my relationship with my dad comes up again, it's not going to be complete surprise if it's a difficult topic of conversation. The information that I have given so far is vague enough not to be "too much information, too soon", but I also haven't lied.
In any case, I don't see how whether you own or rent is any of his business unless you're getting married and talking about assets. So, feel free to keep it to yourself. I n-th suggestions to just say that you share a flat with your brother, if this ever comes up with anyone again. That way you're not lying, but you're not sharing too much too soon.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:25 PM on July 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have some tricky family stuff to deal with too, and my advice would be to slowly talk about difficult family stuff when you feel comfortable and when there's an opportunity to. eg. I was hanging out with an acquaintance other day and he asked what my parents do. I said, "My mum works as a teacher. My dad used to work in healthcare... I think he's retired now. We don't see each other very often." So, if my relationship with my dad comes up again, it's not going to be complete surprise if it's a difficult topic of conversation. The information that I have given so far is vague enough not to be "too much information, too soon", but I also haven't lied.
In any case, I don't see how whether you own or rent is any of his business unless you're getting married and talking about assets. So, feel free to keep it to yourself. I n-th suggestions to just say that you share a flat with your brother, if this ever comes up with anyone again. That way you're not lying, but you're not sharing too much too soon.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:25 PM on July 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Do not tell him. A couple of months and feeling a little closer isn't that big a deal. He's not privvy to your finances. He needn't know how much money you make, what you have in the bank, etc. You're not exclusive and haven't been dating long enough to be on any kind of trajectory. In the future, just be evasive or breezy. "I hate talking about money" seems accurate and succinct.
If you become closer talk to him about some of your family's history -- the emotional part seems way more intimate than this minor detail of a nice bit of property ownership. That stuff is kind of the key intimacy stuff, not the apartment.
If it ever comes down to it your story is 'I felt weird. I felt embarrassed. I have a lot of emotional baggage around money and how my parents handled it and it felt like a much bigger conversation that I didn't feel comfortable with at the time. I am sorry I dodged it in that manner.' If he can't deal with it, well, you learned something about him.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:41 PM on July 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
If you become closer talk to him about some of your family's history -- the emotional part seems way more intimate than this minor detail of a nice bit of property ownership. That stuff is kind of the key intimacy stuff, not the apartment.
If it ever comes down to it your story is 'I felt weird. I felt embarrassed. I have a lot of emotional baggage around money and how my parents handled it and it felt like a much bigger conversation that I didn't feel comfortable with at the time. I am sorry I dodged it in that manner.' If he can't deal with it, well, you learned something about him.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:41 PM on July 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
I hear you: money and family can be so complicated, and uncomfortable to explain to others, especially when we've been told not to and/or feel awkward about having it. It's understandable that you downplayed having the flat at the start because 1) the right people may not the care but the wrong people might, and 2) it's a blessing, so to speak, but one that comes with a bit of a curse.
I believe in discussing financial matters, as well as family, early on in a relationship in order to determine if you share values. Granted, a few months in, a few general details are probably "best." I agree that a short script like the one by A Terrible Llama would be ideal. Hopefully, as time goes on and you feel more comfortable (and he proves himself to be worthy of your trust), you can share more about your family and finances. I see where people are coming from where they encourage people to keep all financial matters private unless married; however, the intertwining of family history and finances is a big part of my life, and the person I am (for better and for worse.) It's always been important for any partner of mine to understand that as we become more serious; ideally, a good partner would not only accept this but also help you feel more comfortable with it over time. Maybe this guy won't but others will so you're not alone: a good therapist match (not always easy to find but worth it) as well as a good friend could help you process this, too. If you'd like to discuss this more privately, you're welcome to MeMail me!
posted by smorgasbord at 4:57 PM on July 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I believe in discussing financial matters, as well as family, early on in a relationship in order to determine if you share values. Granted, a few months in, a few general details are probably "best." I agree that a short script like the one by A Terrible Llama would be ideal. Hopefully, as time goes on and you feel more comfortable (and he proves himself to be worthy of your trust), you can share more about your family and finances. I see where people are coming from where they encourage people to keep all financial matters private unless married; however, the intertwining of family history and finances is a big part of my life, and the person I am (for better and for worse.) It's always been important for any partner of mine to understand that as we become more serious; ideally, a good partner would not only accept this but also help you feel more comfortable with it over time. Maybe this guy won't but others will so you're not alone: a good therapist match (not always easy to find but worth it) as well as a good friend could help you process this, too. If you'd like to discuss this more privately, you're welcome to MeMail me!
posted by smorgasbord at 4:57 PM on July 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Hello everyone,
Thank you so much for the responses. I was overthinking this and felt dishonest which is why I decided to ask you guys, and I'm very glad I did.
Will tell him in a laid back manner that I own the flat with my brother, and if I feel comfortable then I will just say that my grandparents gave it to us as a form of protection due to financial difficulties from my parents, and keep it at that.
posted by akita at 5:03 PM on July 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Thank you so much for the responses. I was overthinking this and felt dishonest which is why I decided to ask you guys, and I'm very glad I did.
Will tell him in a laid back manner that I own the flat with my brother, and if I feel comfortable then I will just say that my grandparents gave it to us as a form of protection due to financial difficulties from my parents, and keep it at that.
posted by akita at 5:03 PM on July 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My then-girlfriend now-wife owned a flat when we were dating (still does) and she never really told me that she owned it. I found out much later (years!), and my reaction was oh! and life went on. Also; my wife says (not surprisingly): don't tell him this early in the relationship
posted by dhruva at 7:18 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by dhruva at 7:18 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
the only time your finances are anyone's business is if they are your accountant, your government auditor, or your legally wedded partner.
I would only add to this for future readers that living with someone for a period of time in some jurisdictions can make your finances someone else's business. It's pretty easy to be considered in a 'de facto relationship' in Australia and if the relationship breaks down they are treated like a legal marriage for division of property purposes. So I would caution taking the above advice as it varies between jurisdictions - I'm not sure of the situation in the UK.
This doesn't apply at all to the OP since you're just dating and not living together but it is something to consider. Here if one half of a couple owns a a flat and they move in together as a couple but not necessarily considering a lifetime together, the person with the asset is vulnerable.
posted by kitten magic at 7:29 PM on July 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would only add to this for future readers that living with someone for a period of time in some jurisdictions can make your finances someone else's business. It's pretty easy to be considered in a 'de facto relationship' in Australia and if the relationship breaks down they are treated like a legal marriage for division of property purposes. So I would caution taking the above advice as it varies between jurisdictions - I'm not sure of the situation in the UK.
This doesn't apply at all to the OP since you're just dating and not living together but it is something to consider. Here if one half of a couple owns a a flat and they move in together as a couple but not necessarily considering a lifetime together, the person with the asset is vulnerable.
posted by kitten magic at 7:29 PM on July 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
From the other side-
I do not own any property. I started dating a guy about three years ago, and he lived in a house in Los Angeles. I assumed he rented it, because who owns a house in LA?
After about a year of dating, I found out more over time. He owned that house. Plus another. Plus he had investments.
He didn't want women to date him because he had wealth.
I was not offended; I thought it was *smart*.
After a certain amount of time you should disclose the negative things of your life. Coping with your family might be one of those things. You have already disclosed that.
You should also disclose things that might affect your partner. Having a famous relative who is running for president or prime minister would be an example.
Or planning your life together would be another. You don't seem to be there yet.
posted by Monday at 8:05 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I do not own any property. I started dating a guy about three years ago, and he lived in a house in Los Angeles. I assumed he rented it, because who owns a house in LA?
After about a year of dating, I found out more over time. He owned that house. Plus another. Plus he had investments.
He didn't want women to date him because he had wealth.
I was not offended; I thought it was *smart*.
After a certain amount of time you should disclose the negative things of your life. Coping with your family might be one of those things. You have already disclosed that.
You should also disclose things that might affect your partner. Having a famous relative who is running for president or prime minister would be an example.
Or planning your life together would be another. You don't seem to be there yet.
posted by Monday at 8:05 PM on July 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Incidentally, for the future, I don't think that saying you and your brother own the flat would necessarily indicate you are very rich. If you said something like, "my brother and I own a flat in London. We got it from our grandparents, so I feel pretty lucky", unless you have other indicators of extreme wealth I would assume your grandparents bought it when they were young and London property not yet so expensive, and maybe that you inherited it and they are dead. I would understand that this doesn't make you rich right now, as you have to live somewhere and probably can't access the equity in the property.
Also, I always assume that someone who says they own property means "with a mortgage" even if they don't say so. So even if you didn't say you got the flat from your grandparents, I'd assume your brother and you had scrimped together enough for the down payment, and had a huge mortgage, not that you were rich.
posted by lollusc at 10:10 PM on July 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, I always assume that someone who says they own property means "with a mortgage" even if they don't say so. So even if you didn't say you got the flat from your grandparents, I'd assume your brother and you had scrimped together enough for the down payment, and had a huge mortgage, not that you were rich.
posted by lollusc at 10:10 PM on July 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
You might find this thread interesting: Who are you able to share good financial news with?
I think most people, especially as they get older, realize that nothing good comes from sharing details of "wealth" with anyone other than their spouse or partner. You shouldn't feel guilty about being slow to disclose at this stage of your relationship. It is merely prudent.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 4:55 AM on July 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think most people, especially as they get older, realize that nothing good comes from sharing details of "wealth" with anyone other than their spouse or partner. You shouldn't feel guilty about being slow to disclose at this stage of your relationship. It is merely prudent.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 4:55 AM on July 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
« Older Making a card for a dying uncle. Need... | Car insurance for temporary move from Canada to US Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
As far as it's anyone's casual business, you own a flat with your brother, it's a family investment. You don't have to explain to anyone why your grandparents bought it.
The specific details of your family problems are not his business. You don't owe him any explanations, not even as payment for liking you.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:45 AM on July 30, 2015 [121 favorites]