Leaving my 4 year relatioship, never left anyone before?
July 29, 2015 1:15 PM Subscribe
After 4 years, and recent realization of my boyfriends distasteful behavior towards me, I am deeply considering leaving my first adult relationship. I've realize that quite possibly I've never been happy. I've been plagued my anxieties and insecurities throughout most of it. It has also had it's fair share of issues. It probably isn't a good sign if leaving our relationship makes me feel more sane. I think I need advice. Inside will be most of our history of issues and some more specific questions.
Some of you might remember my other askme . Well, the issue never got better. I kept telling myself we were just having a misunderstanding, and maybe he didn't understand that I felt hurt and disrespected. After further discussion, I realized I just was not going to be able to get through to him. He kept turning it around on me saying things like "If you trusted me, you'd realized I said those things as a wake up call, not to hurt you, a very overly sensitive woman." or "You can't just take what I said and apply it to yourself as a potential flaw to explore. You took it as a personal attack." . Later he got angry, called me a crybaby, and left for work without speaking to me. While he later apologized for getting angry (and nothing else) my therapist expressed some worry because this has escalated to "name calling". I don't think crybaby is the worst name to be called, but I guess that is what it was.
This lead me to further introspection and I hate to say this, or rather, realize this, but in this 4 year relationship I've never really felt happy. I would have happy moments here and there, but these were quickly taken from me by obsessive anxiety or worry about the relationship. I was nearly always plagued by these anxieties. I haven't been happy in a long time I've realized. I'd always tell myself that relationships took work, and that this was normal and that I needed to deal with doing work if I wanted a good relationship.
So, I thought the problem was mine, and mine alone. Through therapy I've learned that I have an unfortunate anxious attachment style due to a medically traumatic infancy and childhood. Through therapy I've realized I'm insecure and I've realized I now have trust issues, all of which I understand are dealt with better outside of a relationship. Over half the reason I started therapy was deal with my negative, worrisome and anxious thoughts about my relationship.
One prominent issue between us involved obsessive worry was a during a temporary LDR involving my boyfriend and a online female friend of his that he admitted that he had a crush on. Due to communication issues I thought he had entered a weird gray area of infidelity with her, or at least she was tempting him inappropriately and he wasn't doing anything about it. He admitted to me that he thought about leaving me for her since she lived closer. He admitted hat he thought about visiting her in person, but realized he would be putting himself in a compromising position. He felt guilty about his thoughts, and that's all they were, thoughts, but due to horrible communication I didn't know that. He was adamant about remaining friends with her, and with the knowledge I have now I might have been okay with it, but after two or three talks about the situation when he realized he had feelings for her, he didn't want to talk about it with me anymore. When I tried to talk he'd always tell me it made him uncomfortable, and that I was just repeatedly reminding him of how he almost messed up and that I was trying to make him feel bad by reminding him of it. So, I didn't talk about it for almost a year. I worried obsessively about it until recently, so two years. Eventually, the two of them had a falling-out and she was gone, but I still worried. I still worried that something might of happened, turns out nothing did as far as I know. I knew I had developed problems, so I went to therapy.
In therapy my therapist was able to shed some light on my boyfriends behaviors and able to tell he was manipulating me with our most recent disagreement. She told me that he probably feels uncomfortable when I express negative emotions, which is why he acts the way he does, or when I try to get him to understand how I'm feeling. She also told me that due to his depression and past with being bullied by his family, without working on himself, he might never be able to provide the emotional understanding and empathy I need in a relationship. Since he doesn't agree with therapy, there is a very high chance he will never confront his own issues with emotions, and I don't know if I can live with that. I don't think I can.
I also don't think I can be independent here, which was a major topic in my last askme. As a disabled girl, I don't have the support here, and I certainly don't have it from my boyfriend. He doesn't respect my plan for independence, which involved going to therapy for a while to get my thoughts and feelings in order before getting a job, he only sees his plan and his way. He's pushing me, thinking I need to go waste companies time for interviews that I'm not qualified for, or he thinks the ADA will bend everything in my favor…that companies are going to come crawling to me because I'm disabled. It is like he has this weird grand future image of how I'm supposed to be, and I don't think that's right.
I've spoken with my family. All of them are completely okay with me returning, my sister and mother had even offered to fly out here to come get me if I need it. I have a place to live and stay while I work on my self-esteem/insecurity and independence. I am really starting to think that it is best if I return home, where I am more supported, understood and I can attend therapy without anyone telling me how much of a waste it is or thinking I'm using it as an excuse not to be an adult/get a job.
But, I still I feel guilty and I feel like I've failed. Just three weeks ago we were celebrating our 4th anniversary, I was doing better in therapy. I felt hopeful. I was sure I wanted to try for a future with this person, and he with me. But later I noticed his behavior when he said he didn't care if he hurt my feelings along with other alarming things. Looking back on it, I'm seeing more red flags and I'm angry at myself for not noticing the manipulation when my best friend tried to point it out years before. I'm upset I couldn't see when he'd twist things around on me, or change the topic to something disappointing about me.
My concerns
1. I'm pretty sure this relationship shouldn't be salvaged, or if it is to be, it would take a lot of work. This is correct?
2. Now, my boyfriend has previously told me that if things don't work out here then I can just go home...but still I worry he is going to try to talk me out of leaving, is there a way I can deal with this or prepare for it?
3. I'm worried about leaving a depressed person by himself. He once told me that if it wasn't for me being here, he would have hurt himself (or worse) earlier this year. Now, I felt uncomfortable hearing this due to it's heavy nature, but I never took it as a threat. Now I'm worried.
4. I've never broken a lease early before, or left a lease with a person still living in an apartment. My boyfriend can more than take care of the rent by himself, he makes at least 4 times as much as it, so I don't think he needs a roommate replacement. If he can handle the rent by himself, I won't need to find a replacement for me, correct? Will I be punished for breaking our lease early if someone still lives here?
5. I'm guessing talking to him is better to do sooner rather than later. He has an 11 day vacation coming up, I was considering doing it then so that maybe he'd have time to adjust to the idea of me not being around anymore.
6. I've never broken up with, or left someone. General advice is welcome.
Some of you might remember my other askme . Well, the issue never got better. I kept telling myself we were just having a misunderstanding, and maybe he didn't understand that I felt hurt and disrespected. After further discussion, I realized I just was not going to be able to get through to him. He kept turning it around on me saying things like "If you trusted me, you'd realized I said those things as a wake up call, not to hurt you, a very overly sensitive woman." or "You can't just take what I said and apply it to yourself as a potential flaw to explore. You took it as a personal attack." . Later he got angry, called me a crybaby, and left for work without speaking to me. While he later apologized for getting angry (and nothing else) my therapist expressed some worry because this has escalated to "name calling". I don't think crybaby is the worst name to be called, but I guess that is what it was.
This lead me to further introspection and I hate to say this, or rather, realize this, but in this 4 year relationship I've never really felt happy. I would have happy moments here and there, but these were quickly taken from me by obsessive anxiety or worry about the relationship. I was nearly always plagued by these anxieties. I haven't been happy in a long time I've realized. I'd always tell myself that relationships took work, and that this was normal and that I needed to deal with doing work if I wanted a good relationship.
So, I thought the problem was mine, and mine alone. Through therapy I've learned that I have an unfortunate anxious attachment style due to a medically traumatic infancy and childhood. Through therapy I've realized I'm insecure and I've realized I now have trust issues, all of which I understand are dealt with better outside of a relationship. Over half the reason I started therapy was deal with my negative, worrisome and anxious thoughts about my relationship.
One prominent issue between us involved obsessive worry was a during a temporary LDR involving my boyfriend and a online female friend of his that he admitted that he had a crush on. Due to communication issues I thought he had entered a weird gray area of infidelity with her, or at least she was tempting him inappropriately and he wasn't doing anything about it. He admitted to me that he thought about leaving me for her since she lived closer. He admitted hat he thought about visiting her in person, but realized he would be putting himself in a compromising position. He felt guilty about his thoughts, and that's all they were, thoughts, but due to horrible communication I didn't know that. He was adamant about remaining friends with her, and with the knowledge I have now I might have been okay with it, but after two or three talks about the situation when he realized he had feelings for her, he didn't want to talk about it with me anymore. When I tried to talk he'd always tell me it made him uncomfortable, and that I was just repeatedly reminding him of how he almost messed up and that I was trying to make him feel bad by reminding him of it. So, I didn't talk about it for almost a year. I worried obsessively about it until recently, so two years. Eventually, the two of them had a falling-out and she was gone, but I still worried. I still worried that something might of happened, turns out nothing did as far as I know. I knew I had developed problems, so I went to therapy.
In therapy my therapist was able to shed some light on my boyfriends behaviors and able to tell he was manipulating me with our most recent disagreement. She told me that he probably feels uncomfortable when I express negative emotions, which is why he acts the way he does, or when I try to get him to understand how I'm feeling. She also told me that due to his depression and past with being bullied by his family, without working on himself, he might never be able to provide the emotional understanding and empathy I need in a relationship. Since he doesn't agree with therapy, there is a very high chance he will never confront his own issues with emotions, and I don't know if I can live with that. I don't think I can.
I also don't think I can be independent here, which was a major topic in my last askme. As a disabled girl, I don't have the support here, and I certainly don't have it from my boyfriend. He doesn't respect my plan for independence, which involved going to therapy for a while to get my thoughts and feelings in order before getting a job, he only sees his plan and his way. He's pushing me, thinking I need to go waste companies time for interviews that I'm not qualified for, or he thinks the ADA will bend everything in my favor…that companies are going to come crawling to me because I'm disabled. It is like he has this weird grand future image of how I'm supposed to be, and I don't think that's right.
I've spoken with my family. All of them are completely okay with me returning, my sister and mother had even offered to fly out here to come get me if I need it. I have a place to live and stay while I work on my self-esteem/insecurity and independence. I am really starting to think that it is best if I return home, where I am more supported, understood and I can attend therapy without anyone telling me how much of a waste it is or thinking I'm using it as an excuse not to be an adult/get a job.
But, I still I feel guilty and I feel like I've failed. Just three weeks ago we were celebrating our 4th anniversary, I was doing better in therapy. I felt hopeful. I was sure I wanted to try for a future with this person, and he with me. But later I noticed his behavior when he said he didn't care if he hurt my feelings along with other alarming things. Looking back on it, I'm seeing more red flags and I'm angry at myself for not noticing the manipulation when my best friend tried to point it out years before. I'm upset I couldn't see when he'd twist things around on me, or change the topic to something disappointing about me.
My concerns
1. I'm pretty sure this relationship shouldn't be salvaged, or if it is to be, it would take a lot of work. This is correct?
2. Now, my boyfriend has previously told me that if things don't work out here then I can just go home...but still I worry he is going to try to talk me out of leaving, is there a way I can deal with this or prepare for it?
3. I'm worried about leaving a depressed person by himself. He once told me that if it wasn't for me being here, he would have hurt himself (or worse) earlier this year. Now, I felt uncomfortable hearing this due to it's heavy nature, but I never took it as a threat. Now I'm worried.
4. I've never broken a lease early before, or left a lease with a person still living in an apartment. My boyfriend can more than take care of the rent by himself, he makes at least 4 times as much as it, so I don't think he needs a roommate replacement. If he can handle the rent by himself, I won't need to find a replacement for me, correct? Will I be punished for breaking our lease early if someone still lives here?
5. I'm guessing talking to him is better to do sooner rather than later. He has an 11 day vacation coming up, I was considering doing it then so that maybe he'd have time to adjust to the idea of me not being around anymore.
6. I've never broken up with, or left someone. General advice is welcome.
I don't think you've failed. You've just grown and changed and realized that this relationship isn't good for you, and by breaking up with this guy, you'll be taking an active step towards making your life better. Life by yourself is a lot easier than life in a bad partnership, so I think you will probably feel a lot lighter once you get through this hard bit and are no longer with this guy. So I think it sounds like a good idea to get your mom or your sister to help you move out.
Remember that a break up is a one-way decision, so you're allowed to decide that this relationship isn't working for you, and you don't need him to agree with that or be okay with that. I think the longer a break up gets drawn out, the messier it gets, so try and keep it relatively short and sweet. Lots of long conversations about why you want to break up with him are not going to help anyone, and they'll just give him more chances to argue with you and undermine you and try and get you to change your mind.
On that note: it is incredibly common for a certain sort of abusive (or downright abusive) people to threaten suicide if you leave them, and those sorts of people will try and make you fee like you are the one responsible for keeping them alive. That isn't true. They are the only ones responsible for keeping themselves alive, and if they truly think they are a danger to themselves, then they should talk to a doctor. It's really hard, but don't let your partner use his depression as a weapon against you leaving.
posted by colfax at 1:29 PM on July 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Remember that a break up is a one-way decision, so you're allowed to decide that this relationship isn't working for you, and you don't need him to agree with that or be okay with that. I think the longer a break up gets drawn out, the messier it gets, so try and keep it relatively short and sweet. Lots of long conversations about why you want to break up with him are not going to help anyone, and they'll just give him more chances to argue with you and undermine you and try and get you to change your mind.
On that note: it is incredibly common for a certain sort of abusive (or downright abusive) people to threaten suicide if you leave them, and those sorts of people will try and make you fee like you are the one responsible for keeping them alive. That isn't true. They are the only ones responsible for keeping themselves alive, and if they truly think they are a danger to themselves, then they should talk to a doctor. It's really hard, but don't let your partner use his depression as a weapon against you leaving.
posted by colfax at 1:29 PM on July 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Briefly, 4) if this lease is in your name, you do need to transfer it over or have him sign a brand-new lease with the landlord for his sole occupancy.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:30 PM on July 29, 2015
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:30 PM on July 29, 2015
You're not a failure. You're a success story! Someone who has realized their relationship is completely toxic and wants out.
Your boyfriend isn't a nice person. He's also manipulative as holy hell and contradicts himself in order to massage your emotions.
For example - you say: my boyfriend has previously told me that if things don't work out here then I can just go home.
In the very next breath you say: He once told me that if it wasn't for me being here, he would have hurt himself (or worse) earlier this year.
Don't get sucked in by his games. You're in such a strong position! You sound as if you have a supportive family and a place to stay while you figure things out. I feel so sad that you feel as if you've never felt happiness in this relationship. There is so much happiness to be had out there, don't waste it with this guy.
6. I've never broken up with, or left someone. General advice is welcome.
Be kind, but firm. He'll likely try and guilt you into staying. Stay calm, articulate, don't raise your voice. Prep an outline of some of the things you'd like to say first but don't worry if they don't come out the way you meant them to. Stay strong, be willful and resilient to any of his manipulation tactics. If I were you, I'd formulate the escape plan first and then break up with him, but do what you're most comfortable with. good luck.
posted by JenThePro at 1:48 PM on July 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
Your boyfriend isn't a nice person. He's also manipulative as holy hell and contradicts himself in order to massage your emotions.
For example - you say: my boyfriend has previously told me that if things don't work out here then I can just go home.
In the very next breath you say: He once told me that if it wasn't for me being here, he would have hurt himself (or worse) earlier this year.
Don't get sucked in by his games. You're in such a strong position! You sound as if you have a supportive family and a place to stay while you figure things out. I feel so sad that you feel as if you've never felt happiness in this relationship. There is so much happiness to be had out there, don't waste it with this guy.
6. I've never broken up with, or left someone. General advice is welcome.
Be kind, but firm. He'll likely try and guilt you into staying. Stay calm, articulate, don't raise your voice. Prep an outline of some of the things you'd like to say first but don't worry if they don't come out the way you meant them to. Stay strong, be willful and resilient to any of his manipulation tactics. If I were you, I'd formulate the escape plan first and then break up with him, but do what you're most comfortable with. good luck.
posted by JenThePro at 1:48 PM on July 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
I am seriously disabled. So I went looking at your brief history of comments on the site to get a better understanding of that angle. As a disabled person, I think you have seriously downplayed or underestimated how much impact your disability is having on your thinking here. A lot of your anxiety and insecurity is likely rooted in the fact that you are disabled and have not yet figured out how to work around that to find a way to take proper care of yourself anyway.
Given your family history -- including your mother taking financial advantage of you -- and that your anxiety and insecurity is rooted in your childhood, I will suggest that you consider looking for an option other than going home to family if at all possible. Your family of origin is probably a big part of the problem. There are a billion different ways that people can undermine your sense of self and subtly sabotage your efforts to achieve independence. A lot of people are unable to view a handicapped person in terms that make it feasible for the handicapped person to exercise real agency and seek a full life.
Having said that, given your serious disability, family support may be the best option here for making this transition. If you do go back, be prepared for having a lot of realizations about how crappy their assumptions are that you never noticed before and are better prepared to see now that you have been away for a while. I did go home again when I got divorced. I was about 40 years old. One relative, who is a really wonderful and supportive person in many ways, sometimes said things to me like "You don't know how to do ANYTHING. You haven't learned ANYTHING in all your years on this planet." The fact that my disability precludes me from doing some things and precludes me from doing many things the normal or usual way is something this person had a hard time understanding in a way that was constructive. They were just inclined to view me as incompetent. That was not helpful. Fortunately, I was pretty talented at turning a deaf ear to such pronouncements.
Being handicapped means you are not likely to find any good solutions that are "off the rack"/"out of the box." Things that work for you will have to be custom crafted and will require research. So expect it to take more time than average to resolve and don't beat yourself up for that.
Recognize that your physical limitations are a real and serious source of your anxiety and insecurity and that the best antidote to your anxiety and insecurity will be to find a way to make life work for you on your terms. Do not let anyone convince you that you are only allowed to shoot for some second rate life. Make a bucket list. Have dreams. Set goals.
I think you need to leave this person. Do so as if it is an abusive relationship and requires you to really watch your back. Being handicapped means people can do really, really shitty things to you without looking like they are trying to trap or abuse you, things that would be obviously abusive if done to someone more able-bodied. His depression is his problem. You are not responsible for it. Suggestions such as go home to visit family and just don't go back are totally valid as a way to cover your ass in a situation where you are very vulnerable.
Talk to your landlord about your name being on the lease and that your boyfriend makes plenty to cover it. See if you can get your name removed from the lease because you are moving away. Sometimes, leases have a clause that allow you to break the lease if you need to move away, usually in case of getting a job elsewhere. You are handicapped and on disability. They may be pretty sympathetic and may be happy to do whatever they are legally and reasonably able to do to let you off the hook and just hold him responsible. Going after you won't look like a good option anyway. You don't have the dough.
My experience has been that men get involved with me and then try to act like they are heroes, they are white knights, I should be so grateful that they would deign to get with someone so fucked up and then I end up rescuing them and it is never acknowledged. Don't let people do that to you. People who do that are more impaired emotionally than you are physically. I would bet money that your boyfriend is with you for those kinds of reasons. That alone is a really good reason to leave. He thinks you shouldn't be able to stand up to him because you are disabled. Fuck that noise.
It took me a lot of years of marriage to position myself to try to strike out "on my own" (with the support of my two sons) and I am still working it out. But being on my own has allowed me work on solutions that all the so-called helpful, supportive people who viewed me as a pathetic loser used to actively get in the way of.
At my corporate job, I met two people with your type of disability, only more severe. One of them worked full time and supported his family. The other worked part-time at specialty (knowledge) work that was probably quite well-paid.
I currently do freelance work online and run some web projects. I cannot work a normal job. I still have long stretches where I do no paid work, but my productivity is gradually going up and my ability to provide for myself is gradually improving. Don't let anyone convince you that it cannot be done. Take a real jaundiced eye towards anyone who tries to limit your life.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 2:01 PM on July 29, 2015 [20 favorites]
Given your family history -- including your mother taking financial advantage of you -- and that your anxiety and insecurity is rooted in your childhood, I will suggest that you consider looking for an option other than going home to family if at all possible. Your family of origin is probably a big part of the problem. There are a billion different ways that people can undermine your sense of self and subtly sabotage your efforts to achieve independence. A lot of people are unable to view a handicapped person in terms that make it feasible for the handicapped person to exercise real agency and seek a full life.
Having said that, given your serious disability, family support may be the best option here for making this transition. If you do go back, be prepared for having a lot of realizations about how crappy their assumptions are that you never noticed before and are better prepared to see now that you have been away for a while. I did go home again when I got divorced. I was about 40 years old. One relative, who is a really wonderful and supportive person in many ways, sometimes said things to me like "You don't know how to do ANYTHING. You haven't learned ANYTHING in all your years on this planet." The fact that my disability precludes me from doing some things and precludes me from doing many things the normal or usual way is something this person had a hard time understanding in a way that was constructive. They were just inclined to view me as incompetent. That was not helpful. Fortunately, I was pretty talented at turning a deaf ear to such pronouncements.
Being handicapped means you are not likely to find any good solutions that are "off the rack"/"out of the box." Things that work for you will have to be custom crafted and will require research. So expect it to take more time than average to resolve and don't beat yourself up for that.
Recognize that your physical limitations are a real and serious source of your anxiety and insecurity and that the best antidote to your anxiety and insecurity will be to find a way to make life work for you on your terms. Do not let anyone convince you that you are only allowed to shoot for some second rate life. Make a bucket list. Have dreams. Set goals.
I think you need to leave this person. Do so as if it is an abusive relationship and requires you to really watch your back. Being handicapped means people can do really, really shitty things to you without looking like they are trying to trap or abuse you, things that would be obviously abusive if done to someone more able-bodied. His depression is his problem. You are not responsible for it. Suggestions such as go home to visit family and just don't go back are totally valid as a way to cover your ass in a situation where you are very vulnerable.
Talk to your landlord about your name being on the lease and that your boyfriend makes plenty to cover it. See if you can get your name removed from the lease because you are moving away. Sometimes, leases have a clause that allow you to break the lease if you need to move away, usually in case of getting a job elsewhere. You are handicapped and on disability. They may be pretty sympathetic and may be happy to do whatever they are legally and reasonably able to do to let you off the hook and just hold him responsible. Going after you won't look like a good option anyway. You don't have the dough.
My experience has been that men get involved with me and then try to act like they are heroes, they are white knights, I should be so grateful that they would deign to get with someone so fucked up and then I end up rescuing them and it is never acknowledged. Don't let people do that to you. People who do that are more impaired emotionally than you are physically. I would bet money that your boyfriend is with you for those kinds of reasons. That alone is a really good reason to leave. He thinks you shouldn't be able to stand up to him because you are disabled. Fuck that noise.
It took me a lot of years of marriage to position myself to try to strike out "on my own" (with the support of my two sons) and I am still working it out. But being on my own has allowed me work on solutions that all the so-called helpful, supportive people who viewed me as a pathetic loser used to actively get in the way of.
At my corporate job, I met two people with your type of disability, only more severe. One of them worked full time and supported his family. The other worked part-time at specialty (knowledge) work that was probably quite well-paid.
I currently do freelance work online and run some web projects. I cannot work a normal job. I still have long stretches where I do no paid work, but my productivity is gradually going up and my ability to provide for myself is gradually improving. Don't let anyone convince you that it cannot be done. Take a real jaundiced eye towards anyone who tries to limit your life.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 2:01 PM on July 29, 2015 [20 favorites]
1. It sounds like you've made up your mind on that. You mention being unhappy and while that may not be coming from one source, you can always "take a break" for a few months and I personally think you'll discover you won't look back.
2. Plan as much as you can in advance, even worst case scenarios for the fate of your belongings and potential emotional abuse when you let him know your intentions.
3. No one should carry that burden of guilt or responsibility. Maybe offer up that you have an open line if he needs to talk, needs advice.
4. Did you both sign the lease? I know friends who cohabitate where just one person is leasing and the other lives there (to the landlord's knowledge), other places have both tenants on the lease.
5. Springing this on someone right before they go on a vacation is a bit cruel, especially if he doesn't react positively to it. After the vacation may be better. As you mentioned, he may have been a bit adjusted to not having your company therefore the blow may be a little less hard.
6. If you've made up your mind, you've made up your mind. This is the opportunity to speak completely truthfully to him, so think exactly what you want to say and maybe in the context of you're already out the door and "how can we do this in the least painful way?" instead of trying to fix what is broken. Write it out, get opinions from close friends, family, and therapists on your speaking points. He deserves the truth, well thought out reasons by you, and a gameplan that he can give feedback on.
posted by hillabeans at 2:23 PM on July 29, 2015
2. Plan as much as you can in advance, even worst case scenarios for the fate of your belongings and potential emotional abuse when you let him know your intentions.
3. No one should carry that burden of guilt or responsibility. Maybe offer up that you have an open line if he needs to talk, needs advice.
4. Did you both sign the lease? I know friends who cohabitate where just one person is leasing and the other lives there (to the landlord's knowledge), other places have both tenants on the lease.
5. Springing this on someone right before they go on a vacation is a bit cruel, especially if he doesn't react positively to it. After the vacation may be better. As you mentioned, he may have been a bit adjusted to not having your company therefore the blow may be a little less hard.
6. If you've made up your mind, you've made up your mind. This is the opportunity to speak completely truthfully to him, so think exactly what you want to say and maybe in the context of you're already out the door and "how can we do this in the least painful way?" instead of trying to fix what is broken. Write it out, get opinions from close friends, family, and therapists on your speaking points. He deserves the truth, well thought out reasons by you, and a gameplan that he can give feedback on.
posted by hillabeans at 2:23 PM on July 29, 2015
I can't really chime in on the other stuff, but it is very important to get your name off the lease if you are not living there. You don't want to be responsible for any mess or damages caused after you move out. My mom had an ex trash a rental home months after she moved out and she was on the hook for thousands in damages.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 2:27 PM on July 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by galvanized unicorn at 2:27 PM on July 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just three weeks ago we were celebrating our 4th anniversary
Look up the Fallacy of Sunk Costs.
1. I'm pretty sure this relationship shouldn't be salvaged, or if it is to be, it would take a lot of work. This is correct?
This is correct.
2. Now, my boyfriend has previously told me that if things don't work out here then I can just go home...but still I worry he is going to try to talk me out of leaving, is there a way I can deal with this or prepare for it?
Yes. Your mother and sister have already offered to come help extricate you. Let them. Tell him your mom is in town to move you back and you'll be leaving with her on Sunday or whatever.
3. I'm worried about leaving a depressed person by himself. He once told me that if it wasn't for me being here, he would have hurt himself (or worse) earlier this year.
This is emotional blackmail but regardless, you are not responsible for his choices.
4. I've never broken a lease early before, or left a lease with a person still living in an apartment. My boyfriend can more than take care of the rent by himself, he makes at least 4 times as much as it, so I don't think he needs a roommate replacement. If he can handle the rent by himself, I won't need to find a replacement for me, correct? Will I be punished for breaking our lease early if someone still lives here?
Is your name on the lease? What state is this? (This has the potential to be less clear cut than the rest of it if he refuses to cover the whole rent.)
5. I'm guessing talking to him is better to do sooner rather than later. He has an 11 day vacation coming up, I was considering doing it then so that maybe he'd have time to adjust to the idea of me not being around anymore.
Stop putting his needs first. Make the plan that works best for you, in tandem with your mom or sister. Under no circumstances should you spend 11 days in a house with someone who has nothing better to do than harangue and guilt trip you into not leaving.
6. I've never broken up with, or left someone. General advice is welcome.
I would do it when your mom or sister is in town so you can lean on them and lean on your exit schedule. And I would tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and you're not happy, so regardless of how you feel about him and as much as you wish it was what you both hoped it would be, you need to end it. And then go.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:28 PM on July 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Look up the Fallacy of Sunk Costs.
1. I'm pretty sure this relationship shouldn't be salvaged, or if it is to be, it would take a lot of work. This is correct?
This is correct.
2. Now, my boyfriend has previously told me that if things don't work out here then I can just go home...but still I worry he is going to try to talk me out of leaving, is there a way I can deal with this or prepare for it?
Yes. Your mother and sister have already offered to come help extricate you. Let them. Tell him your mom is in town to move you back and you'll be leaving with her on Sunday or whatever.
3. I'm worried about leaving a depressed person by himself. He once told me that if it wasn't for me being here, he would have hurt himself (or worse) earlier this year.
This is emotional blackmail but regardless, you are not responsible for his choices.
4. I've never broken a lease early before, or left a lease with a person still living in an apartment. My boyfriend can more than take care of the rent by himself, he makes at least 4 times as much as it, so I don't think he needs a roommate replacement. If he can handle the rent by himself, I won't need to find a replacement for me, correct? Will I be punished for breaking our lease early if someone still lives here?
Is your name on the lease? What state is this? (This has the potential to be less clear cut than the rest of it if he refuses to cover the whole rent.)
5. I'm guessing talking to him is better to do sooner rather than later. He has an 11 day vacation coming up, I was considering doing it then so that maybe he'd have time to adjust to the idea of me not being around anymore.
Stop putting his needs first. Make the plan that works best for you, in tandem with your mom or sister. Under no circumstances should you spend 11 days in a house with someone who has nothing better to do than harangue and guilt trip you into not leaving.
6. I've never broken up with, or left someone. General advice is welcome.
I would do it when your mom or sister is in town so you can lean on them and lean on your exit schedule. And I would tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and you're not happy, so regardless of how you feel about him and as much as you wish it was what you both hoped it would be, you need to end it. And then go.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:28 PM on July 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Hello again,
For some clarification, both our names are on the lease and we both signed it. I figured I might just be able to speak with our landlord and get my name removed. This would probably be easier if I don't mysteriously disappear and I let my boyfriend know what is up so we can both visit our apartment office and he can get a new solo lease if needed.
Though I really wanted to be honest with him about leaving, I'm starting to wonder if this is really the best way to do it.
Thanks for all the replies as well. I'm reading them all carefully.
posted by AdriftInSpace at 2:31 PM on July 29, 2015
For some clarification, both our names are on the lease and we both signed it. I figured I might just be able to speak with our landlord and get my name removed. This would probably be easier if I don't mysteriously disappear and I let my boyfriend know what is up so we can both visit our apartment office and he can get a new solo lease if needed.
Though I really wanted to be honest with him about leaving, I'm starting to wonder if this is really the best way to do it.
Thanks for all the replies as well. I'm reading them all carefully.
posted by AdriftInSpace at 2:31 PM on July 29, 2015
1. I remember your other question and I am really glad you have chosen to break up with this guy! You are 100% doing the right thing for yourself. Good for you! You will be much happier without your boyfriend's toxic behaviour. He has shown you repeatedly he's not interested in taking responsibility for it, or in changing.
2. You're probably accurate in your concern that he will try to talk you out of leaving. You might find it helpful to think about what kinds of things he might say, and formulate and rehearse responses if he says those things. E.g.:
3. This is a giant red flag. Do not stay with someone because they threaten to hurt themselves if you leave. If anything, this should be a huge confirmation that you need to break up with him. Remember that it's not your responsibility to stay with him to ensure he doesn't hurt himself.
4. I'm not sure about the answer to this one--is there a tenant's advocacy group in your area you can pose this question to?
5. Yes, sooner is better than later. Also, he sounds very manipulative and I'm concerned for your safety once you tell him you're leaving. I think it would be best if you had a plan for not staying another night in your place once you tell him you're leaving.
Good luck. You are a strong person and the fact that you have made this decision and are going to take action just shows that. Those of us posting in this thread and your previous one are rooting for you!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:59 PM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
2. You're probably accurate in your concern that he will try to talk you out of leaving. You might find it helpful to think about what kinds of things he might say, and formulate and rehearse responses if he says those things. E.g.:
HIM: We can work it out. You don't need to leave. You're just overreacting.I would focus on stating how you feel and not justifying yourself or engaging with any arguments he might make. Be aware he'll probably try to argue with you till you're exhausted; if you refuse to engage it's less likely he'll wear you down. Also be aware he might change his tactics to sweet talking you and making promises to change. Promises made by people like him at times like this (when the partner gets fed up and leaves) are worthless--they're not an indicator of a change of heart.
YOU: This relationship isn't meeting my needs, and I've decided it's time to end it.
3. This is a giant red flag. Do not stay with someone because they threaten to hurt themselves if you leave. If anything, this should be a huge confirmation that you need to break up with him. Remember that it's not your responsibility to stay with him to ensure he doesn't hurt himself.
4. I'm not sure about the answer to this one--is there a tenant's advocacy group in your area you can pose this question to?
5. Yes, sooner is better than later. Also, he sounds very manipulative and I'm concerned for your safety once you tell him you're leaving. I think it would be best if you had a plan for not staying another night in your place once you tell him you're leaving.
Good luck. You are a strong person and the fact that you have made this decision and are going to take action just shows that. Those of us posting in this thread and your previous one are rooting for you!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:59 PM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
This might feel like a failure for you right now, but to an anonymous internet stranger it looks like you are learning to stand up for yourself and your happiness. Best of luck.
posted by ewok_academy at 3:29 PM on July 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by ewok_academy at 3:29 PM on July 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
When a former roommate moved out, we signed her off the lease. It wasn't too hard. The landlord then wrote a new lease with only our names on it. I hope that it's equally as easy for you.
posted by batbat at 6:57 PM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by batbat at 6:57 PM on July 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel like I've failed.
Staying would be failing.
posted by Miko at 7:02 PM on July 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
Staying would be failing.
posted by Miko at 7:02 PM on July 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
1. I'm pretty sure this relationship shouldn't be salvaged, or if it is to be, it would take a lot of work. This is correct?
Forget about 'shouldn't.' That's a word that doesn't address current reality. The only relevant question is whether or not you want to continue this relationship. You've already answered that one.
2. Now, my boyfriend has previously told me that if things don't work out here then I can just go home...but still I worry he is going to try to talk me out of leaving, is there a way I can deal with this or prepare for it?
Yup. "I have thought about this a lot. This relationship cannot be salvaged. I will not be changing my mind on this."
3. I'm worried about leaving a depressed person by himself. He once told me that if it wasn't for me being here, he would have hurt himself (or worse) earlier this year. Now, I felt uncomfortable hearing this due to it's heavy nature, but I never took it as a threat. Now I'm worried.
He is not your responsibility. Put your own oxygen mask on first.
4. I've never broken a lease early before, or left a lease with a person still living in an apartment. My boyfriend can more than take care of the rent by himself, he makes at least 4 times as much as it, so I don't think he needs a roommate replacement. If he can handle the rent by himself, I won't need to find a replacement for me, correct? Will I be punished for breaking our lease early if someone still lives here?
Talk to the landlord/management company 1-on-1. Phrase the question as a hypothetical if necessary, and stress the need for confidentiality.
5. I'm guessing talking to him is better to do sooner rather than later. He has an 11 day vacation coming up, I was considering doing it then so that maybe he'd have time to adjust to the idea of me not being around anymore.
That's... kind of ideal actually. Tell him ASAP but close to his vacation departure (say 3 days or so). Inform him that when he gets back you won't be there anymore. If he starts trying to talk you out of it, see answer #2.
6. I've never broken up with, or left someone. General advice is welcome.
This is the best advice.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:35 PM on July 29, 2015
Forget about 'shouldn't.' That's a word that doesn't address current reality. The only relevant question is whether or not you want to continue this relationship. You've already answered that one.
2. Now, my boyfriend has previously told me that if things don't work out here then I can just go home...but still I worry he is going to try to talk me out of leaving, is there a way I can deal with this or prepare for it?
Yup. "I have thought about this a lot. This relationship cannot be salvaged. I will not be changing my mind on this."
3. I'm worried about leaving a depressed person by himself. He once told me that if it wasn't for me being here, he would have hurt himself (or worse) earlier this year. Now, I felt uncomfortable hearing this due to it's heavy nature, but I never took it as a threat. Now I'm worried.
He is not your responsibility. Put your own oxygen mask on first.
4. I've never broken a lease early before, or left a lease with a person still living in an apartment. My boyfriend can more than take care of the rent by himself, he makes at least 4 times as much as it, so I don't think he needs a roommate replacement. If he can handle the rent by himself, I won't need to find a replacement for me, correct? Will I be punished for breaking our lease early if someone still lives here?
Talk to the landlord/management company 1-on-1. Phrase the question as a hypothetical if necessary, and stress the need for confidentiality.
5. I'm guessing talking to him is better to do sooner rather than later. He has an 11 day vacation coming up, I was considering doing it then so that maybe he'd have time to adjust to the idea of me not being around anymore.
That's... kind of ideal actually. Tell him ASAP but close to his vacation departure (say 3 days or so). Inform him that when he gets back you won't be there anymore. If he starts trying to talk you out of it, see answer #2.
6. I've never broken up with, or left someone. General advice is welcome.
This is the best advice.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:35 PM on July 29, 2015
As the contributor of that advice, I would actually not recommend using that in this situation. That advice is for an early-in-relationship breakup among equals where there is not a history of abuse/violence/etc.
There was another thread not too long ago that spelled out a plan of action for breaking up in this situation - where things are bad and the other partner is somewhat sketchy and possibly angry/ragey/dangerous. It involved setting everything up in advance, having a place to go out/go spend the night, waiting for the person to come home, laying out pretty straightforwardly and without a lot of emotion that it's over and you are leaving, then leaving the house to go/out for the night and not coming back until the next day, when you move out. I wish I could find it - I alluded to it here. I think that's a lot more appropriate in this situation.
posted by Miko at 7:56 PM on July 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
There was another thread not too long ago that spelled out a plan of action for breaking up in this situation - where things are bad and the other partner is somewhat sketchy and possibly angry/ragey/dangerous. It involved setting everything up in advance, having a place to go out/go spend the night, waiting for the person to come home, laying out pretty straightforwardly and without a lot of emotion that it's over and you are leaving, then leaving the house to go/out for the night and not coming back until the next day, when you move out. I wish I could find it - I alluded to it here. I think that's a lot more appropriate in this situation.
posted by Miko at 7:56 PM on July 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
These aren't the threads I was thinking of, but there is some good advice/things to think about in each of these two threads, even if they are a bit more emergent than this situation.
Help Me Leave My Boyfriend Quickly and Safely
Logistics of Breaking Up and Moving Out
posted by Miko at 8:07 PM on July 29, 2015
Help Me Leave My Boyfriend Quickly and Safely
Logistics of Breaking Up and Moving Out
posted by Miko at 8:07 PM on July 29, 2015
I would take your family members up on the offer to come help you move. Have them there with you when you talk to your boyfriend/landlord/etc. so that you have backup, since it sounds like your boyfriend may not deal with this appropriately. Remember that your own (physical and emotional) safety needs to be your priority. If you boyfriend threatens suicide, call 911. You're not a psychiatrist -- you do not have the resources to deal with a suicidal individual. If he's truly suicidal, he will get the help he needs from someone who is actually qualified to provide it. And if he's doing this for attention rather than truly being suicidal, this will certainly teach him not to pull that (extremely cruel and manipulative) card in the future.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:26 AM on July 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:26 AM on July 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
A quick thing to add -- it sounds like you're currently paying some amount toward rent, and that you'd be moving in with family where you wouldn't need to pay rent? If that's the case, you can always offer to continue paying toward rent even if you're not living there, for a certain amount of months (i.e. giving your boyfriend the option to find a replacement roommate to cover rent if he so chooses).
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:28 AM on July 30, 2015
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:28 AM on July 30, 2015
I broke up with my first husband when I was 27. I always thought of myself as a strong, outspoken person with a feminist streak, but it took me forever to muster up the gumption to leave a sexless marriage where I was put down all the time. I had never even paid my own rent or truly lived alone.
So please believe me when I say that you haven't failed. You had four years of hard work and trying, and you learned a lot from it that you are now taking with you. YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD WITH WHAT YOU HAD.
You learned that your family is there for you.
You learned that you DO have the courage to make a change in your life, even though it's super, super, super hard.
Life will get SO much better when you see what else is out there in the world.
This sounds doofy, but I recently read something that stuck with me about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner breaking up. There was all sorts of the usual wailing about "oh, another Hollywood relationship goes kaput" and "nobody can make a relationship work these days," yada yada. (Forget about whatever rumors are swirling about Ben and the nanny. Irrelevant.) But ONE commentator said, "You know what? They've been married for ten years in one of the most high-profile situations a couple could be in. They raised three kids who seem pretty cool. They had very public ups and downs, but everyone has ups and downs, and they admitted it. That's ten years of working together on one of the most difficult projects you will ever encounter. Who's to say that's not a success?"
So recognize that you did NOT fail. But also recognize that you need to grieve the end of this relationship, because there are so many hopes and dreams still tied up in your experience. You can't just discount the last several years of your life just because you're not in love with this person anymore. It's a part of you that you will always carry with you. And there WERE good times, or you wouldn't feel so bad about this, right? (But you should still leave.)
1. You are correct. This relationship isn't worth salvaging. But you can salvage the parts of yourself that are worth shining up and putting on display.
2. If you think he's going to talk you out of leaving, write down a whole bunch of stuff and keep it with you. Start with your own reasons for leaving, then anticipate what he might say and respond to those statements. Refer to it if you need to.
3. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND'S MENTAL HEALTH. Of course you care about him, even now; you can't just turn that off with a switch. He has a condition, just like you have a disability: it affects how you experience life, but ultimately you are the only one who can decide how much it gets in the way of doing what you want to do.
Being depressed or otherwise mentally ill can affect your emotions bigtime, but that's still no excuse for acting like an asshole. And if he puts you on the hook for how he feels, that's not okay.
4. Other people have talked about the lease.
5. Just pull the Band-Aid off and have the discussion. It'll suck, but the moment it's over, you can start moving forward. That'll be awesome.
6. General advice: you deserve wonderful things. You are not stupid for staying with someone who treated you poorly; you've just developed a new normal over time that overlapped with your desire to be a good partner. People go into relationships with the best intentions, and for the most part they keep them in the worst situations, trying hard to make the best of what they have.
Again: that means you tried and did the best for yourself, and you should be proud of your integrity. You would make a great partner for someone down the road if/when you want to try again.
You can do it. YOU CAN TOTALLY DO IT. You have a lot of support, and that makes me glad for you.
posted by St. Hubbins at 9:24 AM on July 30, 2015
So please believe me when I say that you haven't failed. You had four years of hard work and trying, and you learned a lot from it that you are now taking with you. YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD WITH WHAT YOU HAD.
You learned that your family is there for you.
You learned that you DO have the courage to make a change in your life, even though it's super, super, super hard.
Life will get SO much better when you see what else is out there in the world.
This sounds doofy, but I recently read something that stuck with me about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner breaking up. There was all sorts of the usual wailing about "oh, another Hollywood relationship goes kaput" and "nobody can make a relationship work these days," yada yada. (Forget about whatever rumors are swirling about Ben and the nanny. Irrelevant.) But ONE commentator said, "You know what? They've been married for ten years in one of the most high-profile situations a couple could be in. They raised three kids who seem pretty cool. They had very public ups and downs, but everyone has ups and downs, and they admitted it. That's ten years of working together on one of the most difficult projects you will ever encounter. Who's to say that's not a success?"
So recognize that you did NOT fail. But also recognize that you need to grieve the end of this relationship, because there are so many hopes and dreams still tied up in your experience. You can't just discount the last several years of your life just because you're not in love with this person anymore. It's a part of you that you will always carry with you. And there WERE good times, or you wouldn't feel so bad about this, right? (But you should still leave.)
1. You are correct. This relationship isn't worth salvaging. But you can salvage the parts of yourself that are worth shining up and putting on display.
2. If you think he's going to talk you out of leaving, write down a whole bunch of stuff and keep it with you. Start with your own reasons for leaving, then anticipate what he might say and respond to those statements. Refer to it if you need to.
3. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND'S MENTAL HEALTH. Of course you care about him, even now; you can't just turn that off with a switch. He has a condition, just like you have a disability: it affects how you experience life, but ultimately you are the only one who can decide how much it gets in the way of doing what you want to do.
Being depressed or otherwise mentally ill can affect your emotions bigtime, but that's still no excuse for acting like an asshole. And if he puts you on the hook for how he feels, that's not okay.
4. Other people have talked about the lease.
5. Just pull the Band-Aid off and have the discussion. It'll suck, but the moment it's over, you can start moving forward. That'll be awesome.
6. General advice: you deserve wonderful things. You are not stupid for staying with someone who treated you poorly; you've just developed a new normal over time that overlapped with your desire to be a good partner. People go into relationships with the best intentions, and for the most part they keep them in the worst situations, trying hard to make the best of what they have.
Again: that means you tried and did the best for yourself, and you should be proud of your integrity. You would make a great partner for someone down the road if/when you want to try again.
You can do it. YOU CAN TOTALLY DO IT. You have a lot of support, and that makes me glad for you.
posted by St. Hubbins at 9:24 AM on July 30, 2015
I remember your question before. Good for you. I will add in my two cents for data points for you:
1. a) You haven't failed at anything. Recognizing when a relationship doesn't work is a huge life skill, and very few people in our culture end up with their first loves. I would say, rather, this is a big win.
b) From your last question and this one, I don't think it's a good partnership. A partnership is not one person saying what they think and not listening to the other about the impact of his words & actions. You deserve a partner who is truly supportive.
2. Have a mantra for yourself like "It's time to go." Have a phrase for him like "I know you want to talk about this, but I've made up my mind."
3. His depression is his responsibility. I say this as someone who has PTSD that at times has been severe.
4. Talk to your landlord about getting off the lease.
5. Talk to him when it's best for you. It is no longer your responsibility to Make Things Come Out Okay At The End Of The Movie.
6. Be resolute. Less is more. Rehashing all the issues is just that - rehashing. Good things lie ahead for everyone.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:40 AM on July 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
1. a) You haven't failed at anything. Recognizing when a relationship doesn't work is a huge life skill, and very few people in our culture end up with their first loves. I would say, rather, this is a big win.
b) From your last question and this one, I don't think it's a good partnership. A partnership is not one person saying what they think and not listening to the other about the impact of his words & actions. You deserve a partner who is truly supportive.
2. Have a mantra for yourself like "It's time to go." Have a phrase for him like "I know you want to talk about this, but I've made up my mind."
3. His depression is his responsibility. I say this as someone who has PTSD that at times has been severe.
4. Talk to your landlord about getting off the lease.
5. Talk to him when it's best for you. It is no longer your responsibility to Make Things Come Out Okay At The End Of The Movie.
6. Be resolute. Less is more. Rehashing all the issues is just that - rehashing. Good things lie ahead for everyone.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:40 AM on July 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
« Older Looking for Romanian-language ebooks | How to determine which RAM to buy for laptop? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
1. No. Fuck Him
2. He can't make you do anything. If he tries call the police. (Also see number 5)
3. He is a gaslighting manipulative fuck. His feelings are no longer your problem.
4. You moving out isn't breaking the lease, if someone keeps paying the rent.
5. Pack your things and leave now. Don't give him a chance to manipulate you. Go to a friend or family's home. Call him once you've left.
6. This is not a normal situation, you haven't grown apart this guy is seriously bad news. Run.
Good luck! I'm so happy to hear you are doing this for yourself!
posted by French Fry at 1:25 PM on July 29, 2015 [12 favorites]