On another's sorrow: helping a friend facing the loss of a spouse
July 24, 2015 10:59 PM Subscribe
A friend whose spouse went into the hospital with pneumonia on Wednesday went on home hospice this evening and I am looking for concrete ways to help and support them.
I would really appreciate hearing specific kinds of help and support provided by/to you or by your friends when a spouse/significant other was dying that were useful and/or comforting.
My friend and I became friends at work and we have spent a fair amount of time together after-hours as well; we go out for an after-work drink a couple of times of month, have taken a class together, I took care of their critters while they were on vacation and things like that. I have only met her husband a couple of times. He has been ill since I've known them, roughly a year and a half. He was diagnosed with his illness 4 or 5 years ago, I think. Based on conversations, I do not think either of them anticipated this so soon.
They have no family here. They are late 50s/early 60s in age. No kids, a couple of pets.
We live about half an hour apart in a smaller town (less than 60,000) in the desert southwest; there are not a lot of local resources available to me, but I'm willing to tap what is here.
I would very much like to do what I can.
Thanks for any ideas and suggestions.
I would really appreciate hearing specific kinds of help and support provided by/to you or by your friends when a spouse/significant other was dying that were useful and/or comforting.
My friend and I became friends at work and we have spent a fair amount of time together after-hours as well; we go out for an after-work drink a couple of times of month, have taken a class together, I took care of their critters while they were on vacation and things like that. I have only met her husband a couple of times. He has been ill since I've known them, roughly a year and a half. He was diagnosed with his illness 4 or 5 years ago, I think. Based on conversations, I do not think either of them anticipated this so soon.
They have no family here. They are late 50s/early 60s in age. No kids, a couple of pets.
We live about half an hour apart in a smaller town (less than 60,000) in the desert southwest; there are not a lot of local resources available to me, but I'm willing to tap what is here.
I would very much like to do what I can.
Thanks for any ideas and suggestions.
Some of the nicest things my friends and even just acquaintances have done for me in loss and crisis were practical helping things. One neighbor mowed our lawn, and another weeded our front beds. A much closer friend came and put my laundry in her trunk and brought it back done (I will admit to one moment of embarrassment but got over it fast.) I mentioned communicating for me after my daughter died in another thread.
Some of these are pretty personal but I think the theme is taking care of the everyday stuff that people fret over to give them some space to handle the big bad...knowing the person. Gift cards for places that deliver, meal services, cleaning services, etc. can help too. If you took the lead at asking at work you might be able to get a fund for a few months of that kind of thing.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:28 PM on July 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Some of these are pretty personal but I think the theme is taking care of the everyday stuff that people fret over to give them some space to handle the big bad...knowing the person. Gift cards for places that deliver, meal services, cleaning services, etc. can help too. If you took the lead at asking at work you might be able to get a fund for a few months of that kind of thing.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:28 PM on July 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's so kind of you to want to help. Some things that might be useful:
Help arrange house cleaning, pet care, laundry, errands, etc.
Stock the fridge and kitchen counter with calorie-dense, appetizing foods (nuts, dried fruits, cheese, cold cuts, hummus, long-lasting fruits and vegetables like baby carrots and apples, good ice cream, chocolate, wine/beer, fancy bottled smoothies, decent granola cereal, etc) so your friend can nibble quickly and recharge without having to think too much.
Would she want some photographs taken to remember this time? If so maybe help track down a friend with a nice camera and a sensitive disposition to come take some photos?
If the ill person is lucid, and the vibe is right, when the spouse is not present, you may want to ask if there is anything he needs help doing- for instance, for her sake, he might want to dictate a message for her or something like that.
If they're not social media savvy maybe you could help make sure their social media reflects the right info, and that the right people hear what's going on (and maybe provide a way to send messages that can be read to the ill person, if that feels appropriate).
If you can, try to line up a caring friend who's outside the circle of this situation who can keep an ear open for you- being emotionally present with a caregiver can be very intense and you may feel better if you have someone to decompress with- in a somewhat similar situation I found the advice to "complain out" helpful to remember (you sound like someone who would do that intiutively, actually). I'm sorry this is happening- it is hard on friends, too. Take care.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:44 PM on July 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Help arrange house cleaning, pet care, laundry, errands, etc.
Stock the fridge and kitchen counter with calorie-dense, appetizing foods (nuts, dried fruits, cheese, cold cuts, hummus, long-lasting fruits and vegetables like baby carrots and apples, good ice cream, chocolate, wine/beer, fancy bottled smoothies, decent granola cereal, etc) so your friend can nibble quickly and recharge without having to think too much.
Would she want some photographs taken to remember this time? If so maybe help track down a friend with a nice camera and a sensitive disposition to come take some photos?
If the ill person is lucid, and the vibe is right, when the spouse is not present, you may want to ask if there is anything he needs help doing- for instance, for her sake, he might want to dictate a message for her or something like that.
If they're not social media savvy maybe you could help make sure their social media reflects the right info, and that the right people hear what's going on (and maybe provide a way to send messages that can be read to the ill person, if that feels appropriate).
If you can, try to line up a caring friend who's outside the circle of this situation who can keep an ear open for you- being emotionally present with a caregiver can be very intense and you may feel better if you have someone to decompress with- in a somewhat similar situation I found the advice to "complain out" helpful to remember (you sound like someone who would do that intiutively, actually). I'm sorry this is happening- it is hard on friends, too. Take care.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:44 PM on July 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
If the husband has lost his appetite, you might bring some Boost or other protein drink. The wife could probably use a quick pickup too. Ask what needs doing; do they have stamps and envelopes to pay bills? There is no family nearby; are you able to help with telling any distant family members the situation?
A woman I know had never written a check before her husband died. Has the wife checked with the bank to be sure she can access their funds when he dies. This is "right of survivor". Does the wife know the location of insurance policies, safe deposit box keys, military service records, etc?
posted by Cranberry at 12:27 AM on July 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
A woman I know had never written a check before her husband died. Has the wife checked with the bank to be sure she can access their funds when he dies. This is "right of survivor". Does the wife know the location of insurance policies, safe deposit box keys, military service records, etc?
posted by Cranberry at 12:27 AM on July 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
What a great friend you are, and what a terrible situation for your friends.
In addition to the excellent advice above, I think it is useful to consider what kind of "coper" your friend is. I have friends in desperate situations who have fallen completely apart and need someone to think for them. Usually all these people want is a leader who cares to tell them what to do and they will be grateful to have directions in which to focus energy. These friends cope by doing but are wind up toys you need to get headed towards a useful but non-thinking type task.
The other coping type I've helped tends to be control copers, and your job is to carry out their orders. Maybe try to gently redirect if the request is not sane, but if it is non-harmful, like trying desperately to find some seemingly unimportant security object, just do it.
I hope this helps. Good thoughts to you and your friends.
posted by Punctual at 4:34 AM on July 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
In addition to the excellent advice above, I think it is useful to consider what kind of "coper" your friend is. I have friends in desperate situations who have fallen completely apart and need someone to think for them. Usually all these people want is a leader who cares to tell them what to do and they will be grateful to have directions in which to focus energy. These friends cope by doing but are wind up toys you need to get headed towards a useful but non-thinking type task.
The other coping type I've helped tends to be control copers, and your job is to carry out their orders. Maybe try to gently redirect if the request is not sane, but if it is non-harmful, like trying desperately to find some seemingly unimportant security object, just do it.
I hope this helps. Good thoughts to you and your friends.
posted by Punctual at 4:34 AM on July 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
Specific help - having my brother/a friend sit with me at the funeral home while listening to all the options for my Dad's situation so I could talk with him about decisions and next steps with him. Even with cremation there are expenses, and as a cost-conscious person, some of it was quite surprising. Funeral homes in my area have to be transparent about costs by law, so they talk about everything, which can be overwhelming. They will ask about military service because there is a real benefit for those who have served. That's a specific thing that helped.
posted by childofTethys at 5:50 AM on July 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by childofTethys at 5:50 AM on July 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
A former supervisor at a hospice where I did therapy said that for grievers, it's helpful to categorize your friends into those who are good at helping with practical/logistical stuff, those who are good at emotional processing, and those who are good at providing distraction from all the practical and emotional stuff. (The idea was, don't call up your friend who's good at distracting you when you actually need someone who will help process your emotions right then.) It might be helpful to figure out which of those one or two categories you fit, and to focus your attention there in your offers of help.
posted by jaguar at 8:25 AM on July 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 8:25 AM on July 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
When I had a friend in a similar situation, I cooked a whole lot of soup for them over a few months. That worked for me and for her family, but I agree with the comments above suggesting to figure out what will work best for you and your friend given your and her/their personalities and ways of coping and helping.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 10:31 AM on July 25, 2015
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 10:31 AM on July 25, 2015
Response by poster: Thank you all for your suggestions, they are very helpful.
posted by faineant at 10:45 PM on July 26, 2015
posted by faineant at 10:45 PM on July 26, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Meals.
Depending on how well you know the spouse, going by to visit and hang out with him, so your friend can get some down time by herself might be really appreciated.
posted by amelioration at 11:13 PM on July 24, 2015 [6 favorites]