Sick cat, unavoidable trip, every option wrong.
January 8, 2010 10:32 AM Subscribe
Sick cat; vet suspects brain tumor. Uncancellable strip starting tomorrow. Wife loves this cat more than life itself. I am going insane.
Apologies up front for length. As brief as possible: slightly bizarre cat behaviour starting about a month ago, gradually increasing to worrisome levels, with symptoms that about 10 days ago indicated constipation. Vet visit, constipation treated for four days, improvement in cat condition with sudden decline back into bizarre behaviour on Wednesday. Subsequent vet visit yesterday to different vet same clinic; new vet found he has a fever (first vet didn't check) and he's now on fever meds, but most of his symptoms (confusion, maladroitness, sudden compulsive attempts to squeeze into too-small spaces) all seem to be brain tumor indicators. He's got bright eyes and a cool nose, but is very mopey, paces until he's exhausted then sleeps, then gets up and paces more, and hasn't purred in over a month. Sometimes gets excited about food and then gets listless again. Thinking about the difference between six weeks ago and now makes me cry.
My wife loves this cat. Like most people love their children. She's been through a lot of rough patches over the last 13 years, and he's been her one constant through it all. She's known the cat for 9 more years than she's known me.
She also has an important immigration-related interview in New York on Tuesday. We planned a whole week-long trip around it well over a month ago, sort of also a long-delayed honeymoon to make the most of a mandatory trip, and are slated to leave tomorrow. It's uncancellable and unrefundable. If we don't go to this interview now, we flat-out won't be able to afford to a rescheduled one if we tried to cancel with the consulate; it may be too late to cancel anyway, and it may extend the immigration process by another God Knows how long. All of that to say that cancelling it would be a crippling hardship both financially and legally from an immigration standpoint.
The cat is currently on fever meds, and the vet has no blessed idea of what might really be wrong now that the constipation has cleared up. We're waiting for blood test results.
I am, frankly, scared shitless of what happens if the cat gets worse while we're away. We're both trying to look on the bright side -- maybe all of this is just something tied up with this fever, and he'll pop back out of it when the fever goes down -- but I've got the Deep Dread that this really is a bad thing that's happening, with a very real chance that he'll worsen while we're away.
If the cat dies while we're away, it will gut my wife. I mean gut her. Him being sick has already been a stress on us both, but the thought that he might suffer while she's not here to care for and comfort him gives her panic attacks.
I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. We have people to look in on the cats (one, a retired vet nurse, is our next-door neighbour), and they're going to keep an eye out for worsening symptoms, but what happens if the cat gets worse?
I'm considering being deeply duplicitious and asking our cat carers to keep an eye out for worsening behaviour and -- if the vet nurse believes the cat has worsened and is suffering to the point where it needs to be put to sleep -- asking them to say nothing bad, report nothing wrong, and in the worst possible scenario tell my wife that the cat died peacefully in his sleep, in his bed by the fire.
I'm not a liar. I hate it. I hate the idea of asking other people to lie even more. But I also can't stand the thought of us being essentially trapped thousands of miles away, unable to come home, while my wife knows that the most important thing in her life is in pain. I also (selfishly) know that we're only ever going to get one chance to make this trip, and don't want our damn honeymoon to be remembered as a week of anxiety and misery.
I have never felt this boxed in before. Every option is wrong on some level -- I throw her immigration process into jeopardy AND blow up the only trip we'll be able to afford to take for the forseeable future, or I lie and ask others to lie so that we can attempt to enjoy a honeymoon together, or I put her in a position where she'll spend the only vacation we're likely to get together for years in a constant state of anxiety and near-panic about betraying her beloved companion.
I'm at wit's end. What do I do?
Apologies up front for length. As brief as possible: slightly bizarre cat behaviour starting about a month ago, gradually increasing to worrisome levels, with symptoms that about 10 days ago indicated constipation. Vet visit, constipation treated for four days, improvement in cat condition with sudden decline back into bizarre behaviour on Wednesday. Subsequent vet visit yesterday to different vet same clinic; new vet found he has a fever (first vet didn't check) and he's now on fever meds, but most of his symptoms (confusion, maladroitness, sudden compulsive attempts to squeeze into too-small spaces) all seem to be brain tumor indicators. He's got bright eyes and a cool nose, but is very mopey, paces until he's exhausted then sleeps, then gets up and paces more, and hasn't purred in over a month. Sometimes gets excited about food and then gets listless again. Thinking about the difference between six weeks ago and now makes me cry.
My wife loves this cat. Like most people love their children. She's been through a lot of rough patches over the last 13 years, and he's been her one constant through it all. She's known the cat for 9 more years than she's known me.
She also has an important immigration-related interview in New York on Tuesday. We planned a whole week-long trip around it well over a month ago, sort of also a long-delayed honeymoon to make the most of a mandatory trip, and are slated to leave tomorrow. It's uncancellable and unrefundable. If we don't go to this interview now, we flat-out won't be able to afford to a rescheduled one if we tried to cancel with the consulate; it may be too late to cancel anyway, and it may extend the immigration process by another God Knows how long. All of that to say that cancelling it would be a crippling hardship both financially and legally from an immigration standpoint.
The cat is currently on fever meds, and the vet has no blessed idea of what might really be wrong now that the constipation has cleared up. We're waiting for blood test results.
I am, frankly, scared shitless of what happens if the cat gets worse while we're away. We're both trying to look on the bright side -- maybe all of this is just something tied up with this fever, and he'll pop back out of it when the fever goes down -- but I've got the Deep Dread that this really is a bad thing that's happening, with a very real chance that he'll worsen while we're away.
If the cat dies while we're away, it will gut my wife. I mean gut her. Him being sick has already been a stress on us both, but the thought that he might suffer while she's not here to care for and comfort him gives her panic attacks.
I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. We have people to look in on the cats (one, a retired vet nurse, is our next-door neighbour), and they're going to keep an eye out for worsening symptoms, but what happens if the cat gets worse?
I'm considering being deeply duplicitious and asking our cat carers to keep an eye out for worsening behaviour and -- if the vet nurse believes the cat has worsened and is suffering to the point where it needs to be put to sleep -- asking them to say nothing bad, report nothing wrong, and in the worst possible scenario tell my wife that the cat died peacefully in his sleep, in his bed by the fire.
I'm not a liar. I hate it. I hate the idea of asking other people to lie even more. But I also can't stand the thought of us being essentially trapped thousands of miles away, unable to come home, while my wife knows that the most important thing in her life is in pain. I also (selfishly) know that we're only ever going to get one chance to make this trip, and don't want our damn honeymoon to be remembered as a week of anxiety and misery.
I have never felt this boxed in before. Every option is wrong on some level -- I throw her immigration process into jeopardy AND blow up the only trip we'll be able to afford to take for the forseeable future, or I lie and ask others to lie so that we can attempt to enjoy a honeymoon together, or I put her in a position where she'll spend the only vacation we're likely to get together for years in a constant state of anxiety and near-panic about betraying her beloved companion.
I'm at wit's end. What do I do?
Whatever you do, please do not lie to your wife about the cat's health. That would be treating her like a child, and not your wife.
If it were me, I'd stay home, and worry about the immigration stuff later. If her cat is truly dying, and it sounds like it, she's going to have a miserable time in New York anyway.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:47 AM on January 8, 2010
If it were me, I'd stay home, and worry about the immigration stuff later. If her cat is truly dying, and it sounds like it, she's going to have a miserable time in New York anyway.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:47 AM on January 8, 2010
I'm assuming you've called the interviewing agency and asked about rescheduling - if you haven't tried this already, try it now.
First thing I'd try is shortening the trip. Nobody is going to have a good time. The honeymoon-style trip is not going to happen no matter what.
One of you (whichever is more sympathetic) can call the airline (if you're flying) and explain the situation, ask to speak to supervisors as necessary, let your emotional state show but not too much, and try to fly out late Monday night and return Tuesday night. Also call the hotel, of course, and they may refund some of your money if you explain the situation. Even though I feel silly, sometimes, caring about a cat so much, people are surprisingly understanding.
The best you can do is to do the best you can do. If try your best to take care of the cat now, at least you'll know that for the rest of your lives.
We had to cancel an expensive trip a year and a half ago because our cat was sick. It turned out he died before we left, but we were still glad (and a little wistful) we stayed home.
Of course the immigration interview makes this a completely different, and more difficult, situation, but my point is that we couldn't save the cat, a lot of awful things happened that I wish we'd handled differently, but at least we know we did the best we could for him.
posted by amtho at 10:47 AM on January 8, 2010
First thing I'd try is shortening the trip. Nobody is going to have a good time. The honeymoon-style trip is not going to happen no matter what.
One of you (whichever is more sympathetic) can call the airline (if you're flying) and explain the situation, ask to speak to supervisors as necessary, let your emotional state show but not too much, and try to fly out late Monday night and return Tuesday night. Also call the hotel, of course, and they may refund some of your money if you explain the situation. Even though I feel silly, sometimes, caring about a cat so much, people are surprisingly understanding.
The best you can do is to do the best you can do. If try your best to take care of the cat now, at least you'll know that for the rest of your lives.
We had to cancel an expensive trip a year and a half ago because our cat was sick. It turned out he died before we left, but we were still glad (and a little wistful) we stayed home.
Of course the immigration interview makes this a completely different, and more difficult, situation, but my point is that we couldn't save the cat, a lot of awful things happened that I wish we'd handled differently, but at least we know we did the best we could for him.
posted by amtho at 10:47 AM on January 8, 2010
I don't know what the 'right' thing to do is--I don't know that there is an objective 'right' answer. If your cat carers are people she trusts, maybe you and she can sit down with them and have an open discussion about what may happen--she may need to know that if her cat is in extreme pain, that she can make the active decision to help him be relieved of that pain, and make that decision out of her love for him. She can't be part of that experience if someone else makes the decision and then everyone lies to her about it, and it might not really be easier hold the idea that he just died on his own. I wonder if not knowing, not being there to understand his state, could be something that will cause her to feel a lot of guilt and question whether she did the right thing for kitty, etc.--I know you don't want to be a part of that kind of pain for her, either. Open, honest, confronting reality--these are things that help people deal with grief. Talk to her about what would give her the most comfort if something does happen.
posted by so_gracefully at 10:48 AM on January 8, 2010
posted by so_gracefully at 10:48 AM on January 8, 2010
Is there any way the cat can stay at the vet's while you're gone? That way your wife will know that if anything goes wrong, she's already in the right hands. I hope your wife realizes that as much as she loves the cat, her immigration status is much more important and valuable. What if you asked her directly if she would prefer not to know if kitty is getting worse or dying, as long as the vet is taking care of her. That way you don't have to lie.
She may choose to want to know about it, and be sad during your trip, but at least you were both honest with each other. Or you could just decide to shield her from the information, which I would classify as a "white lie". But if she finds out she might turn her devastation into anger directed towards you.
posted by amethysts at 10:50 AM on January 8, 2010
She may choose to want to know about it, and be sad during your trip, but at least you were both honest with each other. Or you could just decide to shield her from the information, which I would classify as a "white lie". But if she finds out she might turn her devastation into anger directed towards you.
posted by amethysts at 10:50 AM on January 8, 2010
Have you related the contents of your question and the gravity of your wife's situation to the immigration people? It is at least worth a shot. Good luck.
posted by fire&wings at 10:50 AM on January 8, 2010
posted by fire&wings at 10:50 AM on January 8, 2010
Quite likely you're not gonna enjoy the honeymoon from the likes of it, so your best option is to shorten the length of time you spend in New York - adjust your flight tickets/whatever so you can fly in, spend the night, give the immigration interview the next day and fly back out. Try to recover the rest of the trip costs as far as possible else write it off.
posted by the_ancient_mariner at 10:50 AM on January 8, 2010
posted by the_ancient_mariner at 10:50 AM on January 8, 2010
Seconding the idea that "if you can't reschedule the immigration stuff, cut the rest of the trip as short as possible."
Having to leave the dying cat to go deal with non-reschedulable immigration stuff sucks, but it's a choice that makes sense. Having to leave the dying cat to frolic and have fun in New York would not be possible for most people.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:54 AM on January 8, 2010
Having to leave the dying cat to go deal with non-reschedulable immigration stuff sucks, but it's a choice that makes sense. Having to leave the dying cat to frolic and have fun in New York would not be possible for most people.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:54 AM on January 8, 2010
Rather than have the cat stay at the vet's (which IMO might be more stressful for the cat), could you ask your neighbor if she (or he) would be willing to stay overnight in your house? Especially if the cat knows and likes the neighbor already, that might be kindest.
No, do not lie to your wife.
Also - your wife should have an equal or greater role in deciding your course of action here.
posted by amtho at 10:56 AM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
No, do not lie to your wife.
Also - your wife should have an equal or greater role in deciding your course of action here.
posted by amtho at 10:56 AM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Life happens. It's hard sometimes to orchestrate things to play out the way you want them to. If you can't reschedule this trip, then go and hope for the best. Maybe you can get through the immigration meeting and if the cat worsens, cut your trip short. Please don't lie to your wife or ask others to do so. Chances are they won't, or someone will slip up or she'll find out and that will make everything worse.
It's not going to be a dreamy honeymoon week, probably, but maybe you can still have some nice moments and get your immigration business taken care of, while keeping tabs on the cat via the phone. All anyone can do is try their best and hope for the best but stuff has a way of happening one way or the other despite how hard we try to make it happen our way.
I wish you, your wife and your cat all the best.
posted by Kangaroo at 11:00 AM on January 8, 2010
It's not going to be a dreamy honeymoon week, probably, but maybe you can still have some nice moments and get your immigration business taken care of, while keeping tabs on the cat via the phone. All anyone can do is try their best and hope for the best but stuff has a way of happening one way or the other despite how hard we try to make it happen our way.
I wish you, your wife and your cat all the best.
posted by Kangaroo at 11:00 AM on January 8, 2010
First: make sure that the people looking after your pet are up for the responsibility of dealing with a cat in the endgame. Give them the authority to make a decision about euthanizing the cat, and make sure the vet knows you've given them that authority. I've always left a signed note with my cat-sitters that they can take to the vet showing that they are acting on my behalf.
Second: if you can't shorten the visit, try to enjoy it. This is less preposterous than it sounds. I say this based on personal experience. A few years ago, my wife and I had just euthanized one cat, and had another who had just undergone surgery (and needed ongoing care) when we took off for a previously planned road trip. It took a day to put all that in the back of our minds, but we did, and it wound up being a good thing.
Third: don't lie to your wife, and don't put anyone else in that position. Presumably your wife understands the situation as well as you do.
Fourth: keeping a pet alive beyond the point where it's enjoying life is no bargain for the pet.
This is a tough situation and you both have my sympathy.
posted by adamrice at 11:05 AM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Second: if you can't shorten the visit, try to enjoy it. This is less preposterous than it sounds. I say this based on personal experience. A few years ago, my wife and I had just euthanized one cat, and had another who had just undergone surgery (and needed ongoing care) when we took off for a previously planned road trip. It took a day to put all that in the back of our minds, but we did, and it wound up being a good thing.
Third: don't lie to your wife, and don't put anyone else in that position. Presumably your wife understands the situation as well as you do.
Fourth: keeping a pet alive beyond the point where it's enjoying life is no bargain for the pet.
This is a tough situation and you both have my sympathy.
posted by adamrice at 11:05 AM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
What do I do?
You have to let go of the money and the trip, first and foremost. Count it all as a loss as you review options.
First question, how does your wife feel about it? I'm assuming that she feels it is a "must go" trip as well from your description but then again she is having panic attacks. Is she willing to trade off more immigration red tape to stay home? The money part - out of the equation. If your wife is willing to deal with the immigration mess to stay with her cat, you have to be willing to take the loss of the money and the honeymoon. I think that is the first thing you have to put out there - and mean sincerely.
Let's assume she wants to go for the immigration interview. Now, you have to put forward the plan of truncating the trip as much as possible around that. This includes lost money on hotel or other pre-paid expenses. If you are flying it will likely cost you to change the flights, but they should be changeable.
If you are going to New York, ask your neighbor if she can visit more often, or hang around for a bit longer on her visit. Tell her she can order movies off cable, eat all your food, etc. Alternately, does your vet or another vet facility also board? This would provide the most constant monitoring of the cat. How your wife feels this plays out against the comfort of home factor is the main question here.
If your wife does not want to cut the trip to New York short, then you should work with your wife (and neighbor or vet) to come up with a set schedule for checking in on the cat. Having (say) two set times per day where you get cat updates is better than random calls made when you are freaking out.
Then, do what you both feel up to. This might be a walk in the park instead of a museum. Or getting take out if she doesn't feel up to going out. New York City is your ally here - there are always things to do on all levels.
If you go plan in advance about what decisions you want your vet/neighbor to be able to make. That's about all you can do.
One other option you could put out there would be to stay home yourself so your wife knows the cat is in the best hands possible while she goes to the interview and gets back as soon as possible. The big minus of this plan, of course, is that she is alone if something happens in the timeframe she is gone.
As you say, you are boxed in and no option is "good" - but talking things out honestly is the way to go IMO.
posted by mikepop at 11:09 AM on January 8, 2010
You have to let go of the money and the trip, first and foremost. Count it all as a loss as you review options.
First question, how does your wife feel about it? I'm assuming that she feels it is a "must go" trip as well from your description but then again she is having panic attacks. Is she willing to trade off more immigration red tape to stay home? The money part - out of the equation. If your wife is willing to deal with the immigration mess to stay with her cat, you have to be willing to take the loss of the money and the honeymoon. I think that is the first thing you have to put out there - and mean sincerely.
Let's assume she wants to go for the immigration interview. Now, you have to put forward the plan of truncating the trip as much as possible around that. This includes lost money on hotel or other pre-paid expenses. If you are flying it will likely cost you to change the flights, but they should be changeable.
If you are going to New York, ask your neighbor if she can visit more often, or hang around for a bit longer on her visit. Tell her she can order movies off cable, eat all your food, etc. Alternately, does your vet or another vet facility also board? This would provide the most constant monitoring of the cat. How your wife feels this plays out against the comfort of home factor is the main question here.
If your wife does not want to cut the trip to New York short, then you should work with your wife (and neighbor or vet) to come up with a set schedule for checking in on the cat. Having (say) two set times per day where you get cat updates is better than random calls made when you are freaking out.
Then, do what you both feel up to. This might be a walk in the park instead of a museum. Or getting take out if she doesn't feel up to going out. New York City is your ally here - there are always things to do on all levels.
If you go plan in advance about what decisions you want your vet/neighbor to be able to make. That's about all you can do.
One other option you could put out there would be to stay home yourself so your wife knows the cat is in the best hands possible while she goes to the interview and gets back as soon as possible. The big minus of this plan, of course, is that she is alone if something happens in the timeframe she is gone.
As you say, you are boxed in and no option is "good" - but talking things out honestly is the way to go IMO.
posted by mikepop at 11:09 AM on January 8, 2010
Can you find a pet friendly hotel in NYC? There seem to be a large number of them. You may or may not be able to get the cat on a plane at this late date, and the stress of a plane (?) trip and new place may or may not be good for the cat.
I agree, you cannot lie to your wife. She'll remember the trip in retrospect as the time you lied to her about her cat dying. I also think that you shouldn't cancel the immigration-related portion of it.
I'm not clear what is or isn't refundable about the trip (the tickets? the hotel? something else?), so it's hard to be sure what the options are.
I think that the cat should be living with someone, either by having the neighbour live at your place or -- despite the stress -- moving it to your neighbour's house (with linens from your house etc).
posted by jeather at 11:10 AM on January 8, 2010
I agree, you cannot lie to your wife. She'll remember the trip in retrospect as the time you lied to her about her cat dying. I also think that you shouldn't cancel the immigration-related portion of it.
I'm not clear what is or isn't refundable about the trip (the tickets? the hotel? something else?), so it's hard to be sure what the options are.
I think that the cat should be living with someone, either by having the neighbour live at your place or -- despite the stress -- moving it to your neighbour's house (with linens from your house etc).
posted by jeather at 11:10 AM on January 8, 2010
Adding, as noted by others, it is worth the effort for you to call and try and recoup any funds even from "nonrefundable" expenses. Tell your story and you might find sympathy. Of course, you do all this behind the scenes.
posted by mikepop at 11:11 AM on January 8, 2010
posted by mikepop at 11:11 AM on January 8, 2010
I hope that the following story isn't too painful for you to read at this point.
My boyfriend and I faced a similar situation last month with our rabbit, Bun Bun. Bun Bun was elderly and had been in decline for some time. He got worse during the week before we left on an expensive, non-refundable trip. My boyfriend (Bun Bun was "his" bunny) decided that our pet-sitting friends should not tell us if something bad happened while we were gone. He also didn't want any heroic measures taken. They made the decision to have him euthanized while we were gone because they felt he was suffering (and they are animal people so we trust their judgment in this area). We did not find out until we arrived home from the trip.
In this case, we knew that Bun Bun's time was close so I felt like I had a chance to say goodbye to him. I felt a bit of guilt that we had abandoned him to go on vacation but he did not appear to be in any pain when we left (he was still eating, drinking, etc). I am eternally grateful that we had friends who were able to do the right thing for him.
And, though it will make me seem like a callous, unfeeling person, I did not dwell on the issue while we were gone. I was able to have a good time on my trip because I was already at peace with what was going to happen - whether it happened when we were gone or when we returned. If they had called us to give us the news, it wouldn't have changed the outcome, but it would have changed our enjoyment of the trip.
I say all of this as an extreme softy when it comes to animals (I cry when watching animal shows on TV, for instance). I also have to say that I may have felt differently if the animal in question were my cat who I am more attached to. But, I think it is possible to go on your trip and have a good time in this circumstance. It does not make you a bad person to want this.
I think having a trustworthy person on the case, like your neighbor, is crucial. Talk it over with her and see what she is comfortable with. For example, do you want her to take the cat in for an exam if needed? You may also be able to hire a vet tech from your vet's office to check in on the cat, if you really want to cover your bases.
posted by cabingirl at 11:11 AM on January 8, 2010
My boyfriend and I faced a similar situation last month with our rabbit, Bun Bun. Bun Bun was elderly and had been in decline for some time. He got worse during the week before we left on an expensive, non-refundable trip. My boyfriend (Bun Bun was "his" bunny) decided that our pet-sitting friends should not tell us if something bad happened while we were gone. He also didn't want any heroic measures taken. They made the decision to have him euthanized while we were gone because they felt he was suffering (and they are animal people so we trust their judgment in this area). We did not find out until we arrived home from the trip.
In this case, we knew that Bun Bun's time was close so I felt like I had a chance to say goodbye to him. I felt a bit of guilt that we had abandoned him to go on vacation but he did not appear to be in any pain when we left (he was still eating, drinking, etc). I am eternally grateful that we had friends who were able to do the right thing for him.
And, though it will make me seem like a callous, unfeeling person, I did not dwell on the issue while we were gone. I was able to have a good time on my trip because I was already at peace with what was going to happen - whether it happened when we were gone or when we returned. If they had called us to give us the news, it wouldn't have changed the outcome, but it would have changed our enjoyment of the trip.
I say all of this as an extreme softy when it comes to animals (I cry when watching animal shows on TV, for instance). I also have to say that I may have felt differently if the animal in question were my cat who I am more attached to. But, I think it is possible to go on your trip and have a good time in this circumstance. It does not make you a bad person to want this.
I think having a trustworthy person on the case, like your neighbor, is crucial. Talk it over with her and see what she is comfortable with. For example, do you want her to take the cat in for an exam if needed? You may also be able to hire a vet tech from your vet's office to check in on the cat, if you really want to cover your bases.
posted by cabingirl at 11:11 AM on January 8, 2010
I had to go on an unschedule-able business trip while my cat was dying of cancer. He was able to stay with my vet for the weekend, and my vet was patient and kind, and let me call her constantly from the road, asking how he was. Knowing my cat was in the hands of a professional made it much more bearable.
Also, I agree with trying to shorten the trip. Your honeymoon can wait.
posted by polyester.lumberjack at 11:12 AM on January 8, 2010
Also, I agree with trying to shorten the trip. Your honeymoon can wait.
posted by polyester.lumberjack at 11:12 AM on January 8, 2010
What does your wife want to do? It's her immigration issue and her cat. If the immigration interview must go forward, then you may want to seriously consider cutting the visit short due to the cat's situation.
As for taking the cat with you or boarding it at the vet, that would probably cause much more distress for the cat. Unless his health worsens enough that you think being on-site at the vest is necessary, I would leave him in your apt with frequent visits from your cat people. (If one can stay there with him, even better.) Your cat sitters need to be prepared for the fact that they may be facing an end-of-life situation. You need to leave very explicit instructions for them and make sure you're always reachable while you're gone.
posted by Mavri at 11:17 AM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
As for taking the cat with you or boarding it at the vet, that would probably cause much more distress for the cat. Unless his health worsens enough that you think being on-site at the vest is necessary, I would leave him in your apt with frequent visits from your cat people. (If one can stay there with him, even better.) Your cat sitters need to be prepared for the fact that they may be facing an end-of-life situation. You need to leave very explicit instructions for them and make sure you're always reachable while you're gone.
posted by Mavri at 11:17 AM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, I'm so sorry. This is a bad situation all around. You have my sympathies.
posted by Mavri at 11:17 AM on January 8, 2010
posted by Mavri at 11:17 AM on January 8, 2010
Last fall we were all set to go on a romantic birthday adventure that had entirely been paid for in advance. Then I noticed symptoms of a UTI in one of our cats, and called the emergency vet for advice. They told me to bring her in, and confirmed my suspicion. We dithered and cried and then made the decision to cancel the trip. We lost all of the money except for one night's refund at the B&B (they being cat owners are going to let us apply that to a future trip, but as business owners during a peak weekend couldn't refund us completely). And after the decision was made to stay home, an enormous weight lifted from our shoulders and we could focus on our sick cat.
A UTI isn't as big of a deal in a female cat as a brain tumor, but she did require 2x daily medication that required both of us, and I wanted to be present to keep an eye on her progress. Our pet sitter is a former vet tech, who completely confirmed my decision to cancel. Cats are funny little beasts, and you just never know.
So first of all, this is a decision that needs to be made mutually by both of you. A marriage should have two equal partners, and especially since it's her cat, she needs to be part of this. Lying to each other about anything, really not a great idea, especially something so emotional as a pet's death.
What we did instead, since we had taken the vacation time off of work was to make our own romantic adventure at home, while being around to keep an eye on the cat. We ended up having a great deal of fun, and it was so much better for us than a stressful trip where I'd be in a constant panic ready to text my pet sitter for hourly status updates. (Did she pee? How much?!?!?!)
I know that the immigration portion of this prevents you from canceling it completely. But I really don't think a romantic honeymoon is going to happen while her pet is dying. I know you're looking at it pragmatically and thinking about the money, but money can't buy emotional well being. We lost almost all of ours towards our trip, but we feel like we chose a creature that we love over money. Hopefully you'll have an entire lifetime together where you can have adventure after adventure together, but her beloved pet is only going to die once. (Please convey to her my worries. I'll be thinking of you guys.)
posted by librarianamy at 11:23 AM on January 8, 2010
A UTI isn't as big of a deal in a female cat as a brain tumor, but she did require 2x daily medication that required both of us, and I wanted to be present to keep an eye on her progress. Our pet sitter is a former vet tech, who completely confirmed my decision to cancel. Cats are funny little beasts, and you just never know.
So first of all, this is a decision that needs to be made mutually by both of you. A marriage should have two equal partners, and especially since it's her cat, she needs to be part of this. Lying to each other about anything, really not a great idea, especially something so emotional as a pet's death.
What we did instead, since we had taken the vacation time off of work was to make our own romantic adventure at home, while being around to keep an eye on the cat. We ended up having a great deal of fun, and it was so much better for us than a stressful trip where I'd be in a constant panic ready to text my pet sitter for hourly status updates. (Did she pee? How much?!?!?!)
I know that the immigration portion of this prevents you from canceling it completely. But I really don't think a romantic honeymoon is going to happen while her pet is dying. I know you're looking at it pragmatically and thinking about the money, but money can't buy emotional well being. We lost almost all of ours towards our trip, but we feel like we chose a creature that we love over money. Hopefully you'll have an entire lifetime together where you can have adventure after adventure together, but her beloved pet is only going to die once. (Please convey to her my worries. I'll be thinking of you guys.)
posted by librarianamy at 11:23 AM on January 8, 2010
Put the cat to sleep today, so that you don't risk the poor thing dying with you away.
what.
The OP will be the next one put to sleep if he does this.
If the cat dies while we're away, it will gut my wife. I mean gut her.
If she ever finds out your friends lied to her - and she will - it will gut her. GUT HER. It'll be a long time before she trusts you again, and the friendship is probably gone.
Also, what everyone else said about cutting the trip short.
posted by desjardins at 11:27 AM on January 8, 2010
what.
The OP will be the next one put to sleep if he does this.
If the cat dies while we're away, it will gut my wife. I mean gut her.
If she ever finds out your friends lied to her - and she will - it will gut her. GUT HER. It'll be a long time before she trusts you again, and the friendship is probably gone.
Also, what everyone else said about cutting the trip short.
posted by desjardins at 11:27 AM on January 8, 2010
Both of you go to the interview. If finances are an issue, have only your wife fly back the moment the interview is done so she can maximise time with the cat. If you can both afford to fly back, do that.
posted by rodgerd at 11:40 AM on January 8, 2010
posted by rodgerd at 11:40 AM on January 8, 2010
You have my deepest sympathy. Recently, my 16 year old man cat was diagnosed with kidney failure. The weekend of December 15th I had a long planned, uncancelable weekend trip planned. As the time approaching the trip neared, it became more and more obvious that Fiz wasn't going to make it through the weekend. By Thursday evening, he wasn't purring, he was in obvious pain and was very disoriented, so despite having made arrangements to have someone look after him while I was gone, I took him to the vet and let him go.
It was painful beyond the telling. Not only was I sobbing but every person in the vet's office was as well. I loved that cat more than I've loved anyone or anything and he was my rock. But I couldn't face the thought of him passing alone with me gone, or the idea of coming home to him that way. The vet agreed that it was not a matter of IF he died, but just a matter of WHEN.
And contrary to all logical thought, being away from home just after he died made it easier. It took me a whole week to break down rather than doing it instantly after he passed. I didn't have to deal with looking for him around corners and so forth. I could just be elsewhere and not think about it.
This is not an easy time for you or your wife. Allow yourself to grieve and understand that it won't be rational or make sense. Small things will set either of you off and hurt like the blazes, but in the end, what is best for the cat is what's important.
I wanted more than anything to have Fizgig go in my lap, at home, where he was comfortable and it kills me that he died at the vet's at what is essentially my hand; but I'm also very well aware that even if I had stayed home that weekend, he probably wouldn't have made it to Sunday.
My heart goes out to you.
posted by teleri025 at 11:41 AM on January 8, 2010
It was painful beyond the telling. Not only was I sobbing but every person in the vet's office was as well. I loved that cat more than I've loved anyone or anything and he was my rock. But I couldn't face the thought of him passing alone with me gone, or the idea of coming home to him that way. The vet agreed that it was not a matter of IF he died, but just a matter of WHEN.
And contrary to all logical thought, being away from home just after he died made it easier. It took me a whole week to break down rather than doing it instantly after he passed. I didn't have to deal with looking for him around corners and so forth. I could just be elsewhere and not think about it.
This is not an easy time for you or your wife. Allow yourself to grieve and understand that it won't be rational or make sense. Small things will set either of you off and hurt like the blazes, but in the end, what is best for the cat is what's important.
I wanted more than anything to have Fizgig go in my lap, at home, where he was comfortable and it kills me that he died at the vet's at what is essentially my hand; but I'm also very well aware that even if I had stayed home that weekend, he probably wouldn't have made it to Sunday.
My heart goes out to you.
posted by teleri025 at 11:41 AM on January 8, 2010
Oh man, I'm so sorry - I can't imagine trying to make the best out of this.
I'll agree with the masses -- cut the trip short. Just to what you have to do with the immigration people. No one's going to be able to enjoy anything else. You can do another honeymoon another time, even if it's camping in the backyard. This cat is a family member, one you care about deeply and are responsible for it's well being.
While you're gone -- can you see if you can board the cat at your vets? I'm not sure what would be better -- less stress of staying at home even without you around for a couple days, or being at the vets. At least at the vet there will almost always be someone around to notice anything bad, and they will be able to handle it immediately.
Better yet, any chance you could call in every favour you have and have your vet nurse friend come and stay at your place while youre gone? Either way, if she's going to be responsible, give her full permission to do whatever she thinks needs to be done -- if she's even the slightest bit worried, make it super easy for her to get the cat to your vet. Leave money if you can't run up a tab at the vet's office. Make sure the cat carrier is accessible. Etc, etc.
Best of luck... cats are like family. This is a family member in need, and you have every right to behave as if it's a family member whose health is fading. Don't let anyone tell you it's "just a cat".
posted by cgg at 11:44 AM on January 8, 2010
I'll agree with the masses -- cut the trip short. Just to what you have to do with the immigration people. No one's going to be able to enjoy anything else. You can do another honeymoon another time, even if it's camping in the backyard. This cat is a family member, one you care about deeply and are responsible for it's well being.
While you're gone -- can you see if you can board the cat at your vets? I'm not sure what would be better -- less stress of staying at home even without you around for a couple days, or being at the vets. At least at the vet there will almost always be someone around to notice anything bad, and they will be able to handle it immediately.
Better yet, any chance you could call in every favour you have and have your vet nurse friend come and stay at your place while youre gone? Either way, if she's going to be responsible, give her full permission to do whatever she thinks needs to be done -- if she's even the slightest bit worried, make it super easy for her to get the cat to your vet. Leave money if you can't run up a tab at the vet's office. Make sure the cat carrier is accessible. Etc, etc.
Best of luck... cats are like family. This is a family member in need, and you have every right to behave as if it's a family member whose health is fading. Don't let anyone tell you it's "just a cat".
posted by cgg at 11:44 AM on January 8, 2010
Go. Have a great time. Stay in touch with the cat watchers and don't lie to your wife. If the cat dies or gets worse, the trip will be ruined or cut short -- that's life.
If the cat dies while we're away, it will gut my wife. I mean gut her.
I sympathize, but she'll live.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:52 AM on January 8, 2010
If the cat dies while we're away, it will gut my wife. I mean gut her.
I sympathize, but she'll live.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:52 AM on January 8, 2010
A few months ago my 14-year-old male cat had to have emergency surgery to remove a tumor that was blocking his colon. Unfortunately, the surgery took place a few days before I was scheduled to leave on a similarly-uncancelable trip. Although I have a regular cat sitter who check on my cats while I am away, neither the vet nor I thought it was feasible for my cat to be at home (with my other cat) with only once or twice daily visits post-op. So I boarded him with the vet from the surgery until I got back from my trip, and I have to say, I felt a lot better being away and knowing he was in the hands of trained professionals the whole time I was gone.
So I'm with everyone above suggesting that a) you and your wife make this decision *together* and b) board your cat with a vet if you must take the trip. I was also worried about the stress of boarding, since my cats have never been boarded before and have historically been little terrors at the vet's office. To my surprise he seemed to have adapted very well, and when I picked him up everyone at the hospital raved about what a sweetheart he was.
My cat sitter is great, but she's not a doctor, and it sounds like your cat would be much better off with professional care while you are gone.
posted by DiscourseMarker at 12:04 PM on January 8, 2010
So I'm with everyone above suggesting that a) you and your wife make this decision *together* and b) board your cat with a vet if you must take the trip. I was also worried about the stress of boarding, since my cats have never been boarded before and have historically been little terrors at the vet's office. To my surprise he seemed to have adapted very well, and when I picked him up everyone at the hospital raved about what a sweetheart he was.
My cat sitter is great, but she's not a doctor, and it sounds like your cat would be much better off with professional care while you are gone.
posted by DiscourseMarker at 12:04 PM on January 8, 2010
This was a follow-up from teh OP from yesterday, reposted today
Before people invest more effort and emotion into the tremendously thoughtful and helpful replies: about five minutes after this went live, I got a call from my wife at home: the cat had had some sort of seizure and totally collapsed. I rushed home in a cab and we took it to the vet; the vet basically confirmed what we feared about a probable (based on existing diagnoses plus the seizure) and told us that the very best we could do was stabilize it, and that was a slim chance compared to the probability of the cat slipping further. My wife, knowing that "her" cat was gone and the best she'd be doing was hanging onto a sad and pained animal, decided herself to euthanize.posted by jessamyn at 9:01 AM on January 9, 2010
I really appreciate all the replies. We had a short talk about it, between crying jags, and her take on it is that the cat decided that it was time to go, knowing that the best way for her to handle it would be for her to get away for a while.
I feel bad that the situation took an abrupt turn while people were literally posting all of these thoughtful responses, but I've (obviously) been away from the computer for the past several hours and unable to send this update to the admins.
This thread is closed to new comments.
I don't know if this is a good idea care-wise, presumably you'd have to get some NY vet on the speed dial, but maybe that's a possibility?
posted by brainmouse at 10:44 AM on January 8, 2010