I Want My Old Happy Self Back
July 25, 2015 12:00 AM Subscribe
How can I snap myself out of negativity and turn back the clock to when I was a bit less weighed down by emotional baggage?
I have posted here on and off and my main topic is related to relationships and my horrible luck. Well, things have continued and the last 3-4 years have been a catastrophe of rejection and bad luck. And it has really taken its toll on me. I am becoming rather negative and bitter and glass half empty. I am increasingly looking at the world through a spiteful lens.
And I don't like this about myself.
I will admit, I think it stems from my bad romantic luck, and being repeatedly slapped in the face when it comes to trying to take romantic initiative with people. I'm 31 years old and don't know what it's like to be in even a short term loving relationship.
Unfortunately I can't seem to solve that problem for whatever reason, and that's not what this question is about. But the negative effects of that denial of a basic human need of mine are dragging me into a pit and I can't seem to break out of it. I'm lonely and I can't seem to ignore it. And despite being lucky enough to have some good friends and a decent life, I can't shake it off.
I used to be a very positive, energetic, optimistic person. I wanted a relationship but it wasn't my main objective, and I didn't think about it all that much. I miss that. I still am like that sometimes, on my best days, but it's becoming more and more rare.
And I want to enjoy life! I hate that I'm constantly moping around. It just seems monumentally difficult if not impossible to just "determine to be happy".
I also fear that this overall mood is beginning to seep into my friendships, and may even begin to start seeping into potential romantic relationships and kill potential there.
How the heck can I focus on enjoying life as it is right now? How can I stop focusing on not having the #1 thing that I really want?
This is a little like a question about how to enjoy being single, except that I'm already an expert in enjoying my own company and I'm quite independent (being single for years and an only child have helped me on that one). So I have the skills....I just want to be happy using them again.
A few things I am doing are going to therapy and I exercise outside in the sunshine/nature extremely often. So I have those covered.
I would love a lobotomy or something, but I guess I'll have to settle for the next best thing(s). Any advice or anecdotes would be more than welcome. Unfortunately I feel like I may need something more substantial than just "start a new hobby" but I'll take all suggestions. Also, book recommendations too.
I have posted here on and off and my main topic is related to relationships and my horrible luck. Well, things have continued and the last 3-4 years have been a catastrophe of rejection and bad luck. And it has really taken its toll on me. I am becoming rather negative and bitter and glass half empty. I am increasingly looking at the world through a spiteful lens.
And I don't like this about myself.
I will admit, I think it stems from my bad romantic luck, and being repeatedly slapped in the face when it comes to trying to take romantic initiative with people. I'm 31 years old and don't know what it's like to be in even a short term loving relationship.
Unfortunately I can't seem to solve that problem for whatever reason, and that's not what this question is about. But the negative effects of that denial of a basic human need of mine are dragging me into a pit and I can't seem to break out of it. I'm lonely and I can't seem to ignore it. And despite being lucky enough to have some good friends and a decent life, I can't shake it off.
I used to be a very positive, energetic, optimistic person. I wanted a relationship but it wasn't my main objective, and I didn't think about it all that much. I miss that. I still am like that sometimes, on my best days, but it's becoming more and more rare.
And I want to enjoy life! I hate that I'm constantly moping around. It just seems monumentally difficult if not impossible to just "determine to be happy".
I also fear that this overall mood is beginning to seep into my friendships, and may even begin to start seeping into potential romantic relationships and kill potential there.
How the heck can I focus on enjoying life as it is right now? How can I stop focusing on not having the #1 thing that I really want?
This is a little like a question about how to enjoy being single, except that I'm already an expert in enjoying my own company and I'm quite independent (being single for years and an only child have helped me on that one). So I have the skills....I just want to be happy using them again.
A few things I am doing are going to therapy and I exercise outside in the sunshine/nature extremely often. So I have those covered.
I would love a lobotomy or something, but I guess I'll have to settle for the next best thing(s). Any advice or anecdotes would be more than welcome. Unfortunately I feel like I may need something more substantial than just "start a new hobby" but I'll take all suggestions. Also, book recommendations too.
Find a volunteer gig that's a regular part of your week and brings you into contact with people who have more all-consuming life challenges. Don't use their situation to bludgeon yourself for feeling unhappy about what's not right in your life; your feelings are valid and real! But DO use this work to give yourself a sense of doing something for a greater good AND to give you perspective and appreciation for the good things in your life.
posted by spindrifter at 3:28 AM on July 25, 2015
posted by spindrifter at 3:28 AM on July 25, 2015
I had a conversation with a friend tonight. We stood outside his house talking. This friend is troubled with his inability to do things that he has set his mind to doing. We talked for hours and found something we have in common. In certain aspects of life, we feel blocked by something internal. Old habits or feelings about ourselves that began to dictate our actions. "I know myself," he said, "I know that I am the person who won't do the thing I said I would. That's the kind of person I am. History dictates it, it's happened time and time again." I said, to him as much as to myself, because I believe in much of my own negativity, too, "We can't let our past selves dictate who we are now." We digested this point, talking through our problems, and found out something about the power of trust and the power of now.
The following will sound ambiguous and may be more new-agey than any solid example. I am sorry that it's not a direct answer to your question but hopefully you can see how it applies to your situation, too. We only just discussed it but I will use it in my daily life, because it means something powerful to me. I hope it is meaningful to you.
You are in the middle of a room, around you are all doors wide open. "Past" you chooses to sit cross legged in the room, unmoving; he won't walk through the doors. But every moment is now, every moment is a new moment, a new chance to walk forward through the doors. Past you doesn't exist. It is only you, now. It's as easy as just walking though. You only have to choose to do it. Do you make a thousand reasons not to? It doesn't matter, because every moment, is a new now, a new moment to walk forward.
What is it like to trust yourself? Be curious now, in this moment, about what it is like to trust yourself. Self doubt is a choice you make. It is easy to release that choice, because every moment is an opportunity to walk through the open door. To choose to trust yourself.
When you walk through the door, you teach yourself that you can. Create the habit of walking through the door. Make it a feedback loop.
When you trust yourself, people reflect back to you that trust. They see your self trust and the positive things it brings, and they trust you too. Everything is a reflection, so what is it you choose to reflect? Standing in the room, see the open doors. Know that you can always choose to walk forward.
posted by no_context at 3:29 AM on July 25, 2015 [12 favorites]
The following will sound ambiguous and may be more new-agey than any solid example. I am sorry that it's not a direct answer to your question but hopefully you can see how it applies to your situation, too. We only just discussed it but I will use it in my daily life, because it means something powerful to me. I hope it is meaningful to you.
You are in the middle of a room, around you are all doors wide open. "Past" you chooses to sit cross legged in the room, unmoving; he won't walk through the doors. But every moment is now, every moment is a new moment, a new chance to walk forward through the doors. Past you doesn't exist. It is only you, now. It's as easy as just walking though. You only have to choose to do it. Do you make a thousand reasons not to? It doesn't matter, because every moment, is a new now, a new moment to walk forward.
What is it like to trust yourself? Be curious now, in this moment, about what it is like to trust yourself. Self doubt is a choice you make. It is easy to release that choice, because every moment is an opportunity to walk through the open door. To choose to trust yourself.
When you walk through the door, you teach yourself that you can. Create the habit of walking through the door. Make it a feedback loop.
When you trust yourself, people reflect back to you that trust. They see your self trust and the positive things it brings, and they trust you too. Everything is a reflection, so what is it you choose to reflect? Standing in the room, see the open doors. Know that you can always choose to walk forward.
posted by no_context at 3:29 AM on July 25, 2015 [12 favorites]
Hi christiehawk,
What type of books do you enjoy reading? Many of my friends use Goodreads. Try posing the question to your friends online or in person or look into a local book group. Meeting to discuss books with thoughtful people can be very fun.
Also, establish an accountability person that you can reach out to when you're feeling down. You most likely know people who are and have experienced similar things. My person is my father who also has severe depression. Just be there to encourage and support one another, it will help trust me.
Establish a list of activities that can only have a positive outcome on your mood. If you need intellectual rigor to disengage from melancholy this may involve a challenging novel or word game, or if you need a drama to distract you--a list of very engaging movies(no tear-jerkers! haha). Cleaning, organizing and other useful tasks will also uplift your mood, even if you bemoan chores the end result will be positive. What do you find comfort in? Add exercise outdoors to the list. And set aside time each day to engage in these positive activities, this is the one I struggle with personally. Discover what I call "negative time sinks" and replace them with positive ones(Googling youtube crap is not positive for me, nor is lurking on boards full of a-holes).
Some people spend too much time in their own head. Do you have this problem? I do occasionally. Where did the hours of the day go? Account for them occasionally and look to improve the makeup of your day--diversify your activities.
Best regards,
bibliophilia
posted by bibliophilia at 8:08 AM on July 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
What type of books do you enjoy reading? Many of my friends use Goodreads. Try posing the question to your friends online or in person or look into a local book group. Meeting to discuss books with thoughtful people can be very fun.
Also, establish an accountability person that you can reach out to when you're feeling down. You most likely know people who are and have experienced similar things. My person is my father who also has severe depression. Just be there to encourage and support one another, it will help trust me.
Establish a list of activities that can only have a positive outcome on your mood. If you need intellectual rigor to disengage from melancholy this may involve a challenging novel or word game, or if you need a drama to distract you--a list of very engaging movies(no tear-jerkers! haha). Cleaning, organizing and other useful tasks will also uplift your mood, even if you bemoan chores the end result will be positive. What do you find comfort in? Add exercise outdoors to the list. And set aside time each day to engage in these positive activities, this is the one I struggle with personally. Discover what I call "negative time sinks" and replace them with positive ones(Googling youtube crap is not positive for me, nor is lurking on boards full of a-holes).
Some people spend too much time in their own head. Do you have this problem? I do occasionally. Where did the hours of the day go? Account for them occasionally and look to improve the makeup of your day--diversify your activities.
Best regards,
bibliophilia
posted by bibliophilia at 8:08 AM on July 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Aravis76 at 3:12 AM on July 25, 2015 [1 favorite]