Help me forgive myself...

July 18, 2015 7:21 PM

How can I let myself off the hook and move on from past mistakes / pain?

Hey gang,

So, two years ago, I broke up with my live-in partner. We had started out so well, so joyful in each other and so committed to being together in a long-term way. What actually happened, though, was that everything went wrong - I injured my back and was basically immobilized at times, and somehow tore my Achilles during the recovery process. I had to take some time off of graduate school, which was already a big source of stress. On top of this, I developed a severe (but understandable) case of depression. (a look at my posting history will confirm this in great detail, unfortunately.)
My partner was loving and great at helping me with concrete or physical tasks, but seemed completely mystified by / unwilling or unable to engage with what was going on with my emotions; the "emotional labor" (to borrow a term from that great thread on the blue!) of our relationship was really my department. I actually once printed out a copy of Allie Brosh's depression strip and gave it to him, saying, like "this is how I feel. Please read it." And he just said, "that's a sad thing! That's so sad! I can't deal with that."
Meanwhile, I was a nagging, anxious mess, mostly taking out a lot of my pain on him without really being able to stop. I could see myself spiraling out of control, and I could see our once-blooming relationship wilting, slowly but surely, turning into something bad for both of us. Unfortunately, I could not do anything to stop it; it felt like I was moving through molasses, watching myself live but not really feeling anything. And really the only thing that made a difference (besides time and some great PT) was medication. But, by the time the meds kicked in, it was too late to really salvage what was left of us.

Two years later, I'm doing amazingly better (if I say so myself). My physical pain and depression are a lot better, I have good support from therapists, I have a job I enjoy and wonderful friends and family. I've even been dating a bit. My life is actually full and rich, and for that I am exceedingly grateful. But I still feel a bit like I'm having trouble moving on from the relationship that we both really thought would be forever and the feeling that I kind of, well, fucked it up, by not trying more actively to manage my depression and being pretty damn difficult to be around. After all, I'm the one who "changed," not him. And depression makes everything the worst.

I'm a person who often has trouble with change and is hard on myself - in a lot of ways, we were a great fit and each other's best loves and teammates for a long time, and I can't shake the sense that I sort of ruined something precious, even though I know rationally that that isn't quite right. My friends say things like "you have to move forward," which, yes, but how do people just move forward so easily? Will I only feel better if I find another similar relationship? What if I never do? It seems pretty rare. I know in my brain that I'm a stronger person now and probably a better partner - how can I feel it? How do I get better at forgiving myself when it feels like my fault?

Thanks, guys, y'all are the best.

posted by bookgirl18 to Human Relations (9 answers total)

Oh bookgirl18, I would give you a hug if I could. I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Grad school, injuries, and dealing with depression are incredibly stressful life events, and you had to deal with all three at the same time. You say you're pretty hard on yourself, so I don't think it's much of a stretch for me to tell you that YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD.

With as much stuff as you had going on, the fact that you have pulled it all together is something to celebrate, not regret. Yes, seriously, celebrate that you made it through that time. Some people would get dealt a hand like that and not get back up, but you did. You had to take care of you first, because with due respect to your ex, he was either unwilling or unable to help there. No blame, no recriminations, but at that point in your life neither one of you could be what the other wanted/needed. Your relationship ended in large part due to some circumstances out of both of your control. It is what it is, but this was NOT a personal failing on your part.

More than "move forward," take your life experiences and learn. You know what you can handle and have a better idea when you need help and how to get it. It never has to get that bad again. You know more about yourself and what you'd still like to work on both by yourself and in a potential new relationship. You sound like a thoughtful person, so rather than view that relationship as a failure, try to be grateful for what you've learned and can take with you. Having a better idea of who you are and what you need out of a partner will make it that much easier to recognize a good relationship when you find it.
posted by estelahe at 8:13 PM on July 18, 2015 [4 favorites]

I read something very recently that basically stated: If you have regrets it means you have grown as a person - that you can look back on your mistakes and realize you are further along from where you used to be because you have learned from them. Living should be a process of moving forward & evolving which you can't do without failure or making missteps sometimes.

I have to say that seriously helped me reframe my own regrets. I've done shitty things in my life, but I'm also far enough along to look back and realize I did shitty things, and learn how I could do better from here on out. That's so valuable. If I hadn't learned from my mistakes, I might not realize they were mistakes.

I want to also gently point out if you know that your ex-partner couldn't handle the emotional labor in a relationship and you're aware enough to look back to see that - you can do better than that, in a partnership, right - you know that? This could not have been the best fit for you if you saw your partner couldn't do that lifting... I have to say I am the sort of person who feels like (through experience) it's all too often that if things didn't work it out, it was for a very good reason even if I didn't fully see that at the time.

If it just wasn't meant to be for the long-term it doesn't mean it wasn't a valuable experience. That's worth considering.
posted by flex at 8:17 PM on July 18, 2015 [18 favorites]

My therapist used to tell me whenever I was getting super down on myself for something I'd done long ago, "You did the best you could with the tools you had. Now you can move forward." She made me repeat that over and over to myself whenever I was beginning to fixate, and it made such a difference. I started to be reflective instead of excessively reproachful, which allowed me to identify what was missing from my "tool kit" so to speak and go in search of it. Maybe that mantra could help you too?
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:19 PM on July 18, 2015 [13 favorites]

Love, you're blaming yourself for your partner not being good enough.
posted by lokta at 2:45 AM on July 19, 2015 [12 favorites]

Lokta has it.

The thing is, relationships don't last because of how wonderful the two of you are at your collective best. They last because of how both of you navigate the really hard parts together. And the relevant word there is "together"--it has to be both of you making it work.

Your post sounds like you are missing the really good parts, which is understandable, and sad. They were part and parcel of the experience with the partner who really could not cope like a loving, supportive partner when you were really, really down with a serious triple-whammy.

This may sound a little far fetched at the moment, but in a way the crisis was a blessing with respect to that partner. It revealed his inability to support you before the situation got to a point that had far, far higher stakes. Say you hadn't had these crises, say you'd gone on and gotten married--say you had his baby and came down with PPD, or say you were diagnosed with life threatening illness--and then in that far higher stakes pressure cooker he folded...

Believe you me, that happens, and it's awful.

YOU didn't make any mistakes. You were human and were in a vulnerable position and needed someone to be strong for you. In a relationship, your partner should do that for you. He didn't. This is where you should focus your effort--on accepting that you are permitted to be vulnerable and that you deserve support when you are. It can be super tough for independent, accomplished people to come to terms with that.
posted by Sublimity at 5:03 AM on July 19, 2015 [9 favorites]

First of all, I would like to say that you are an amazingly strong person. You had a very difficult experience and you haven't fallen apart, feeling sorry for yourself, but are instead living a full life. Celebrate you made it through - I second that.

I agree with what's already been said. I would also like to add that bad things can happen to us all, and I feel it is the job of a partner to be there for you - not just be there when things are great so you can have fun, but also - and especially - when things go wrong. And in life they can go very wrong. Your partner might have been a great person, sure, but he was unable, for whatever reason, to support you exactly when you needed it most. You don't have to blame him for that, but do ask yourself: is this really your perfect partner/teammate? Appreciate you relationship for all the good times you had, but remember that you can - and need, really - do better.

Also, which actions are you blaming yourself for, exactly? Ask yourself: was it within your control to act differently in those situations? Factor in the stress, the physical pain, the lack of understanding, the depression and answer thruthfully. If yes - that's ok, this is how we learn. Negative experience is very useful in that way. So learn, act differently in the future and don't beat yourself up. If no - then be compassionate towards yourself. You were in a bad situation. In retrospect, it often seems easier to have been a "better" person - but, in reality, was it even possible? So instead of blaming yourself you would do better to be kind to your former self and allow yourself to understand you were coping as well as you could.

I also suggest that you take the time to watch this Ted talk about regret by Kathryn Schulz. I love it and I think it might help you to be more understanding towards yourself and perhaps start to let go of the pain.
posted by Guelder at 5:04 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

Depression is very difficult for a partner, family and friends to live with. It causes irritability, anxiety and general awfulness, at least part of the time. Partner sounds like he just doesn't have what it takes to be strong when a loved one is not well. Depression is a real and serious illness, with costs. He's not evolved enough to understand that. It hurts to lose someone, but he would only hurt you again being weak and unable to understand. And I suspect that his unwillingness to see depression as a real illness transmitted itself to you.

Depression isn't really well understood. Strong, intelligent, wonderful people get depressed and are unable to to make the depression go away. There is no such thing as trying harder to get rid of a serious illness that makes you want to not just stay in bed, but crawl under the bed and stay there. The list pf people who've experienced major depression is long and includes Churchill, Hemingway, Johnny Carson. Dick Cavett and William Styron (excerpt).

If you had cancer, no one would say Just cheer up. They'd bring you a casserole. You deserve understanding and compassion, and a loving partner. I have some depression links in my profile; I find it helpful to read about it and remember that it's not a moral failing or indication of weakness. It sucks, just like any other serious illness. There's less stigma than there used to be, but there's stigma nonetheless, and fuck that.
posted by theora55 at 9:25 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]

You need to forgive yourself for making mistakes.
It may feel like it's your fault that your relationship ended, but it isn't. Life threw your relationship a huge monkey wrench and it couldn't survive the change. Your ex wasn't up to what it takes emotionally to be a caretaker. It's a hard thing to do--I know, I took care of my late husband (Mr. Nerd) for six years. He had back pain issues and depression. It was trying at best and agonizing at worst.

Remember, you didn't choose to get sick. Forgive yourself for being human and enjoy the life you've created for yourself.

Lots of hugs and good thoughts!
posted by luckynerd at 1:26 PM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

some posts here are saying it's not your fault, but (imho) that's not really what forgiveness is about.

forgiveness is about being able to let it go.

i suggest imagining the whole relationship - or, at least, your memories of it - as something inside your head, in a box. you can open up the box and look inside. that's fine. it's part of you. it's something you can learn from. perhaps learn to laugh at. or even cry over.

but it's also something you can close up and leave in a corner. you're no worse than anyone else. and we all do this. it's part of being human.

forgiving yourself isn't about finding a way to somehow change the contents of that box. it's never going to contain magic sprinkles and fairy dust. forgiveness is about deciding, for yourself, what to do with the box. you are in control: you get to decide what happens.

i don't mean any decision has to be permanent. i am not saying you toss it into mount doom. but you have the right to close it and open it as you wish.

so you shrug your shoulders, give a sad smile, and say, well, shit happens. i was younger then, and not so smart. poor kid. you pause for a moment, and then you close the box and get on with your life. it's ok to do that.
posted by andrewcooke at 3:38 PM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]