What to do about a work colleague texting me inappropriately?
July 9, 2015 8:00 AM Subscribe
A colleague has been sending me Facebook messages pretty much everyday and making some rather inappropriate remarks. I have no feelings at all towards him. I'm quite repulsed by him. I don't think he actually wants anything to happen, but these messages have been making me feel uncomfortable and that they are crossing boundaries. How do I deal with this professionally?
He has a wife and a newborn, and has said to me, he thinks of me as a sister.
I don't feel close to him at all. He's 10 years older, unattractive and has a very strange sense of humour. We have worked in the same office for around a year, recently we had an evening shift together 2 weeks ago. It was just us in the office, and he asked me about my recent breakup, so I opened up quite a lot. I regret that now. Since then he has been texting me everyday.
Examples of his messages:
"You are adorable'
"You are beautiful inside and out!"
"I was just thinking about you, and then I saw you online"
"If I had a clone, I would send him to you..."
"One day when it's less busy, I'll shout you lunch or dinner..."
I probably responded too nicely and said thank yous and smiley faces, continuing conversation etc, which may have encouraged him. I really regret this.
I should have responded earlier.
Am I imagining things??? Should I put a stop to this and how? How without damaging our professionalism?
My friend said he's got "connections" so I wouldn't want to make him angry. Maybe he knows certain managers and could say something bad abut me. I'm afraid this could affect my career.
Please help.
He has a wife and a newborn, and has said to me, he thinks of me as a sister.
I don't feel close to him at all. He's 10 years older, unattractive and has a very strange sense of humour. We have worked in the same office for around a year, recently we had an evening shift together 2 weeks ago. It was just us in the office, and he asked me about my recent breakup, so I opened up quite a lot. I regret that now. Since then he has been texting me everyday.
Examples of his messages:
"You are adorable'
"You are beautiful inside and out!"
"I was just thinking about you, and then I saw you online"
"If I had a clone, I would send him to you..."
"One day when it's less busy, I'll shout you lunch or dinner..."
I probably responded too nicely and said thank yous and smiley faces, continuing conversation etc, which may have encouraged him. I really regret this.
I should have responded earlier.
Am I imagining things??? Should I put a stop to this and how? How without damaging our professionalism?
My friend said he's got "connections" so I wouldn't want to make him angry. Maybe he knows certain managers and could say something bad abut me. I'm afraid this could affect my career.
Please help.
Document everything and tell him directly that he's now making you uncomfortable and you want the contact to stop. If it doesn't immediately afterward, contact your HR department - they exist exactly to deal with situations like this that could have legal ramifications for the business.
Also, it sounds like he's threatening you with this talk about connections. Call his bluff, and my guess is that this will not turn out to be the case - and that you're not his first victim.
You should have the mods anonymize your follow up comment here.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:14 AM on July 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
Also, it sounds like he's threatening you with this talk about connections. Call his bluff, and my guess is that this will not turn out to be the case - and that you're not his first victim.
You should have the mods anonymize your follow up comment here.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:14 AM on July 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
I would assume he (conveniently deluding himself) thinks it's a mutual flirtation because of your thank yous and smiley face responses.
Your first step is to become cold, distant and stop responding at all to any inappropriate messages. I would give him a chance to wake up to reality, respond to your actual boundaries and back off on his own. If it doesn't resolve on his own (if he remains persistent or aggressive after a couple times when you ignore his personal messages, talk in a brief professional way when necessary and **don't smile at all** when you see him) then take your complaint to the next level. But it will be easier for you if you give him a chance to understand where you're coming from and he responds to that.
posted by third rail at 8:21 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your first step is to become cold, distant and stop responding at all to any inappropriate messages. I would give him a chance to wake up to reality, respond to your actual boundaries and back off on his own. If it doesn't resolve on his own (if he remains persistent or aggressive after a couple times when you ignore his personal messages, talk in a brief professional way when necessary and **don't smile at all** when you see him) then take your complaint to the next level. But it will be easier for you if you give him a chance to understand where you're coming from and he responds to that.
posted by third rail at 8:21 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Mod note: One comment deleted; there's no way to make anonymous comments. If you need to follow up, use the contact form. Thanks.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:27 AM on July 9, 2015
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:27 AM on July 9, 2015
I normally don't like this approach, but I think this is the time to fake a gracious exit, because you've been behaving one way and your concerns require a change in your behavior. "I've started dating a new guy, and he isn't comfortable with how close our friendship is. (or some other fake reason) From now on, I'd like to keep things professional between us." And then yeah, when he messages you on Facebook, I'd do one last "I think this is too personal at this point, I want to keep things professional and I don't think Facebook messaging is appropriate." and then just stop responding. Then put in a quick note with HR about your concerns, and if he does escalate and get weird then you can re-calibrate and think about your next steps.
posted by capricorn at 8:27 AM on July 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by capricorn at 8:27 AM on July 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'd do one last "I think this is too personal at this point, I want to keep things professional and I don't think Facebook messaging/texting is appropriate." and then just stop responding
I think this is perfect language to use. Don't fake a boyfriend, that's unnecessary and you might feel pressured to keep up the lie in future interactions.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:47 AM on July 9, 2015 [42 favorites]
I think this is perfect language to use. Don't fake a boyfriend, that's unnecessary and you might feel pressured to keep up the lie in future interactions.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:47 AM on July 9, 2015 [42 favorites]
I would just go silent. Ignore every single message. If he approaches you at work, remove yourself as quickly as possible. Don't give him anything to work with.
posted by intensitymultiply at 9:29 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by intensitymultiply at 9:29 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I work as a consultant and so have attended corporate sexual harassment training at many clients. I hope you work at a large company that has a vigilant HR department, because they should be vigilant at stepping in -- primarily, of course, to protect the company -- if need be.
That said, one of the common themes in the training I mentioned is that welcome contact or conversations is not harassment. So just because you say there might have been confusing signals, I would consider the examples you gave unprofessional, yes, but not necessarily harassment.
But I would use capricorn's / ThePinkSuperhero's script and tell him that going forward you do not welcome further such messages. And document everything. Going back to hoping you're in a company with a competent HR department, if he takes the attitude that accepting his advances are a condition of your employment, I believe (IANAL or HR professional) that he is creating an even bigger problem for the company.
Hopefully a polite brush-off will take care of the problem, but if not, go to HR with your documentation and tell them that he is sending you uncomfortably intimate texts despite your request to stop. I'd bet they'd step in and tell him to knock it off.
posted by Gelatin at 9:35 AM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
That said, one of the common themes in the training I mentioned is that welcome contact or conversations is not harassment. So just because you say there might have been confusing signals, I would consider the examples you gave unprofessional, yes, but not necessarily harassment.
But I would use capricorn's / ThePinkSuperhero's script and tell him that going forward you do not welcome further such messages. And document everything. Going back to hoping you're in a company with a competent HR department, if he takes the attitude that accepting his advances are a condition of your employment, I believe (IANAL or HR professional) that he is creating an even bigger problem for the company.
Hopefully a polite brush-off will take care of the problem, but if not, go to HR with your documentation and tell them that he is sending you uncomfortably intimate texts despite your request to stop. I'd bet they'd step in and tell him to knock it off.
posted by Gelatin at 9:35 AM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Many of those comments meet the definition of sexual harassment under Australian law.
While I wouldn't escalate to HR immediately, it might help you to reframe these comments, because they absolutely are sexual harassment. Follow the good advice you've already received in this thread, and if he won't stop, then escalate.
Good luck. This totally sucks and I'm really sorry you have to deal with it.
posted by guster4lovers at 10:14 AM on July 9, 2015
While I wouldn't escalate to HR immediately, it might help you to reframe these comments, because they absolutely are sexual harassment. Follow the good advice you've already received in this thread, and if he won't stop, then escalate.
Good luck. This totally sucks and I'm really sorry you have to deal with it.
posted by guster4lovers at 10:14 AM on July 9, 2015
"I am not comfortable with the way you are speaking to me. I need you to be only professional starting right now. If you continue to cross boundaries I will have to go to HR."
And, frankly, I'd go to HR anyway so that there's a documented trail. This may well not be the first time.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:25 AM on July 9, 2015
And, frankly, I'd go to HR anyway so that there's a documented trail. This may well not be the first time.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:25 AM on July 9, 2015
and he asked me about my recent breakup, so I opened up quite a lot. I regret that now.
I think maybe you could use that, and add it to ThePinkSuperhero's edit of capricorn's suggestion. Like it's clear that he's the one who's been acting inappropriately all the way through. (I think even asking you about your break-up was out of line. Sounds like he'd worked out that you weren't doing so great and took advantage of time alone with you to try to get into your emotional underwear...gross). But since you're worried about backlash, maybe you could speak to your response to him and skip out on his possible ulterior motives, for now, while documenting.
Maybe with something like, "John, I'm afraid I went out of my comfort zone when you asked me about my relationship the other week. I didn't mean to go into so much detail about my personal life - it was really down to an unusual set of circumstances. I think this is too personal at this point, I want to keep things professional and I don't think Facebook messaging/texting is appropriate."
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:45 AM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think maybe you could use that, and add it to ThePinkSuperhero's edit of capricorn's suggestion. Like it's clear that he's the one who's been acting inappropriately all the way through. (I think even asking you about your break-up was out of line. Sounds like he'd worked out that you weren't doing so great and took advantage of time alone with you to try to get into your emotional underwear...gross). But since you're worried about backlash, maybe you could speak to your response to him and skip out on his possible ulterior motives, for now, while documenting.
Maybe with something like, "John, I'm afraid I went out of my comfort zone when you asked me about my relationship the other week. I didn't mean to go into so much detail about my personal life - it was really down to an unusual set of circumstances. I think this is too personal at this point, I want to keep things professional and I don't think Facebook messaging/texting is appropriate."
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:45 AM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
My friend said he's got "connections" so I wouldn't want to make him angry.
And what's your "friend's" stake in this, aside from enjoying the drama? If you were unaware of these connections before being told, they're pretty much imaginary. Being known as an ally of this guy probably won't do you any favors either.
Unless you are working for the mob, you can cut off this guy and this alleged friend all at once.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:53 AM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
And what's your "friend's" stake in this, aside from enjoying the drama? If you were unaware of these connections before being told, they're pretty much imaginary. Being known as an ally of this guy probably won't do you any favors either.
Unless you are working for the mob, you can cut off this guy and this alleged friend all at once.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:53 AM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Together with the thinking of you like a sister I take these comments to sound like he is trying to bolster your self esteem after the breakup. They read a little more clod like and socially awkward than creepy.
I think a light hearted convo telling him to basically quit sending those msgs should do it. And ignore that other crap about connections. And then quietly unfriend him along with anyone else at work.
posted by vignettist at 11:00 AM on July 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think a light hearted convo telling him to basically quit sending those msgs should do it. And ignore that other crap about connections. And then quietly unfriend him along with anyone else at work.
posted by vignettist at 11:00 AM on July 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
First off, unless you have a very small career field and he is very powerful in it, his "influence" is likely imaginary. And here's the thing about creepy/annoying people; you can be sure you are not the first person they have treated this way. If you ask around discreetly, you may be surprised how many women say "Oh my god, he did that to me too! Ugh!" Possibly within the company he has some connections, but it's also possible he is tolerated rather than liked by his bosses. Only way to find out is to say something. It is a risk, but probably a small one. Also, it won't be the last time you have to face this risk, and it's something you have to learn how to confront. It's uncomfortable and unpleasant and unfair but Dealing with Creepy Dudes is a necessary career skill.
posted by emjaybee at 11:57 AM on July 9, 2015
posted by emjaybee at 11:57 AM on July 9, 2015
I would stop responding immediately and completely to any contact outside of what is professionally necessary. If he has a brain in his head, he'll figure out why and back off. If he's a boundary-pusher, or he has an inappropriate crush on you (seems likely to me), he'll probably ask you why, at which point you can say "I need to keep all my work relationships strictly professional from now on" or whatever polite but clear no you feel comfortable with.
The reason I would cut off BEFORE explaining is that it gives you both the chance to make a graceful exit, no harm, no foul; where you're not in a situation where you have to hear him denying your experience or getting nasty and defensive.
posted by kapers at 12:00 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
The reason I would cut off BEFORE explaining is that it gives you both the chance to make a graceful exit, no harm, no foul; where you're not in a situation where you have to hear him denying your experience or getting nasty and defensive.
posted by kapers at 12:00 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't buy the "little sister" take, OP, I think it's a cover to smuggle in expression of other kinds of feelings that you're right to feel weirded out by. Here's a data point - my brothers, at least, don't say things like this to me:
"You are adorable'
"You are beautiful inside and out!"
"I was just thinking about you, and then I saw you online"
"If I had a clone, I would send him to you..."
"One day when it's less busy, I'll shout you lunch or dinner..."
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:00 PM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
"You are adorable'
"You are beautiful inside and out!"
"I was just thinking about you, and then I saw you online"
"If I had a clone, I would send him to you..."
"One day when it's less busy, I'll shout you lunch or dinner..."
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:00 PM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Reply only to work-related messages. He'll comment on your lack of response, which gives you the chance to reply, I'd prefer to keep things limited to work once. Then ignore him, and if he continues, which he probably will, talk to HR.
Do not blame yourself for responding with politeness. Politeness is appropriate and he is abusing your niceness.
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on July 9, 2015
Do not blame yourself for responding with politeness. Politeness is appropriate and he is abusing your niceness.
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on July 9, 2015
How about a general message on your facebook wall?
"Time to cull my friends list!" And explain that you're making your feed more manageable / trying to separate work and private life / experimenting by culling it down to close friends only.
Then block the guy.
That gets him out of your FB AND sends the message that he's not a close friend.
Will only work if you're not FB friends withhalf the office already.
If he expresses disappointment do NOT look embarassed. Look puzzled and tell him that must be a misunderstanding - you see him as a professional coworker.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:07 PM on July 9, 2015
"Time to cull my friends list!" And explain that you're making your feed more manageable / trying to separate work and private life / experimenting by culling it down to close friends only.
Then block the guy.
That gets him out of your FB AND sends the message that he's not a close friend.
Will only work if you're not FB friends withhalf the office already.
If he expresses disappointment do NOT look embarassed. Look puzzled and tell him that must be a misunderstanding - you see him as a professional coworker.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:07 PM on July 9, 2015
Speaking as someone who likes chatty workplace flirtation, this isn't that.
Be clear, and blunt, and escalate to HR immediately if that doesn't get results. You are now a brick wall. If he tries to climb it he will find there are spikes at the top.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:41 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Be clear, and blunt, and escalate to HR immediately if that doesn't get results. You are now a brick wall. If he tries to climb it he will find there are spikes at the top.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:41 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Countering the point made earlier that "welcome" interactions can't be harassment, I do workplace harassment prevention trainings often (less glamorous than it sounds and it doesn't even sound that glamorous) and we are careful to specifically state that an action ABSOLUTELY can be harassment if the person reporting the harassment pretended to go along with it at the time. That's not the preferred way to respond to workplace harassment in the moment, but we humans are complex social creatures with complicated defense mechanisms, and smiling and laughing along while you're dying inside is a depressingly common reaction to being harassed.
posted by kitarra at 7:26 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by kitarra at 7:26 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
"You know, since that conversation we had about my break up, you've been extra friendly. I know you mean well but I'd feel much better if we keep it professional." Then ignore anything that is not professional.
posted by Locochona at 4:06 AM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Locochona at 4:06 AM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
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If his behavior escalates (i.e. approaching you or saying things verbally), I would also report him to HR - it's not worth the harassment. If you are very concerned about the connections piece, you can request to HR to be anonymous. He likely has harassed multiple women.
posted by pando11 at 8:08 AM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]