Mentor/Mentee situation didn't quite work out as planned--what do I do?

October 15, 2008 2:34 PM

How do I tell a work-assigned mentor that the relationship isn't quite working out? She's clearly too busy for me, and I don't want to participate in the program anymore. I feel that some of this is my fault, but I'm not sure how to handle going forward.

I joined a work-sponsored mentorship program back in April, and was paired with a director in another department. From the start, she put the onus on me to make appointments and keep things going (the company literature emphasizes that both mentor and mentee should make an effort to meet once a month or so), and she rescheduled our intial lunch at least once, but I think it was twice. Eventually, we had lunch in her office and discussed my career, and she strongly encouraged me to apply for an in-house job I was not ready for (per the job description, which requires two years+ experience; at the time I had about 15 months). I weighed her advice and ended up not applying for the job. Around the same time, my personal life got very hectic--I was stalked and harrassed by my ex-boyfriend for four months, which was scary and stressful and affected my work life, though I tried not to let it. I didn't follow up with the mentor during this time, and I did not hear from her. About six weeks ago, I contacted her, apologized for not scheduling another meeting and mentioned the personal issues, and attempted to set up another lunch. We scheduled it, but she has now postponed twice, always at the last minute. Where it stands now: at her request, I sent her an email with my availability and have not heard from her in about two weeks.

The woman seems very nice and has a lot of experience in my field, though not directly in my areas of interest, but clearly she has some scheduling issues. I am comfortable with where I am in my career, have something of a mentor in my direct supervisor, and am going to graduate school for a master's in my industry. I'm very busy (ie, lots of lunches and meetings already), and I don't feel that this mentor relationship is of any benefit to me whatsoever. However, I don't want to burn bridges or be thought of as a flake, and at some point I will have to fill out an evalutation for HR regarding the mentorship program. How should I handle it? Just leave it alone, and if HR contacts me for my evaluation be honest, or explicitly tell the sort-of mentor that I can see she's very busy and I don't feel the need for mentoring at the moment? Something else entirely? What's the most graceful way to handle this?

posted by purplecurlygirl to human relations (6 comments total)

I hope you could trust your direct supervisor with your recent problems, because your management should know you have very good reason for being so stressed. You have a good relationship and she probably knows more about your mentor than you do, so can you ask for her take on the situation? She can probably better advise you about to proceed than any of us can.

I will say that you should drop any resentment about the director charging you with keeping the ball rolling and appointments scheduled. That's just not very unusual at the executive level. I assume you agreed. When you didn't follow through because of personal reasons for several months and didn't contact her at all, she had every reason to think you weren't interested in the program. You didn't make it a priority, and she followed your cue.

If your supervisor counsels you to continue with the program, be patient and get that next appointment nailed down. Then have a pleasant chat with your mentor where, without revealing personal details, you say that you regret that things have been hectic of late but that you'd still like to benefit from her experience. Talk about the Master's program, ask her about coursework she'd think would be particularly valuable, trends she foresees, that sort of thing. It can only help you to have a director who thinks well of you, wants to help you flourish, and can help you with a reference or connection later in your career.

If she still reschedules multiple times or is otherwise disinterested, it's safer for you to consider the issue mutually dropped. You can also mention the scheduling problems in a neutral, matter-of-fact way on the HR evaluation.
posted by melissa may at 3:11 PM on October 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

You sound like you have been busy too. Why don't you just write on the evaluation
that you appreciated being able to participate in the program, but due to the busy
work schedules of you both, you were not able to meet very often.

As for the mentor, I would just drop it and not contact her about the meetings. If
she asks just tell her that things came up and you weren't able to reschedule.

This is unless you feel like you need to make some warning to HR that they shouldn't
place her with another mentee?
posted by aetg at 3:11 PM on October 15, 2008

I've been both a mentor and a mentee -- in formal programs as well as less formal ones. Making the relationship work requires effort on both parts as well as a bit of luck or chemistry or what-have-you. From the mentee's perspective, it requires having some issue or issues you want help with and having a mentor you respect, have rapport with, and think can help you. From a mentor's perspective, it requires a mentee that meets those requirements :) as well as someone who seems like they're benefiting to some extent from the relationship. Not that the mentee should always take the mentor's advice, but if they never take your advice, you might begin to wonder why they're asking for it :).

When the mentee/mentor relationship isn't working, it isn't necessarily the "fault" of either one. Maybe the mentee doesn't need mentoring -- seems like you may be in that position. Maybe the mentor is too busy -- a hypothesis you have about this woman. Maybe it's something else. Whatever it is, if you are ok with moving forward w/o the mentor, I say go for it.

You don't need to get into all the gory details with HR unless you think that the program could somehow be improved (for instance, I think training is useful for both mentors and mentees and I would recommend The Mentor's Guide -- scroll down the page to the description). Otherwise, just be brief and talk about what you did get out of it, and move on.
posted by elmay at 4:52 PM on October 15, 2008

Having a mentor can be a really positive thing - having someone removed from your day to day job has a perspective that you and your line manager don't have, and that can be really helpful - so don't discount it even if you can't see an immediate need / benefit.

But I'm a bit dubious about "work-appointed" mentors. I kind of feel that a mentor needs to be someone that knows you and cares about you as a person - someone that you've chosen. And that is something that only develops over time, and something that is quite personal.

Is there someone else within the organisation that you feel would be better suited to mentor you? It doesn't have to be an official HR thing - most people would be flattered to be asked. But you probably do have to ask - senior managers aren't going to offer, as doing so could be construed as patronising or interfering. But they'll generally be flattered to be asked and be willing to help.

It doesn't even have to be particularly formal - just having someone (other than your line manager) that you can talk to about problems you're having, or promotion opportunities, is a really good thing. It doesn't have to be a regular meeting with a standard agenda.

But if you like your appointed mentor, and the problem is more with the scheduling than with her (and it sounds like that's a possibility), it might be worth being quite upfront about it and try and start anew - "I know we've not managed to meet as often as we should have, but I'm still keen to make this work as I really value your advice and perspective". Even going so far as to say "I know that you're busy, and that things come up, but when you reschedule at the last minute, it makes me feel as if you're not really committed to the mentoring process". Or at the very least "I know that you're busy, and that things come up - when is the best time to arrange a meeting that is less likely to be rescheduled? Could we meet before work for breakfast or after work for a coffee?"

Good luck.
posted by finding.perdita at 5:24 PM on October 15, 2008

I hadn't thought about asking my direct supervisor about what to do in this situation--I will definitely do that. I see the problem with having my boss be my mentor but out of everyone in the company I would pick her, and I intend to keep her in that role when I eventually move to another job (with her agreement, of course). And yes, my boss is marginally aware of what's been going on in my personal life, as I had to take some steps to prevent my ex from contacting me at work (it has been a total nightmare).

My only resentment about carrying the responsibility for setting up the meetings is just that the literature emphasizes so strongly, and the HR sponsor pointed out several times, that I should expect the mentor to make an effort to get together as well. I guess they realize it's common with executives and so want to address it up front. I also know, from colleagues who've signed up, that my situation is unusual--most of their mentors were/are active in keeping in touch. I didn't mention that it took HR more than six months to pair me with someone after I signed up, so I think I might feel like they finally paired me with whoever was available and not someone who was a great match.

That said, I don't feel like I need to warn anyone else not to be paired with this woman--she has a lot of experience that someone interested in her areas of expertise could really benefit from. I'll probably let sleeping dogs lie, and if the mentor contacts me, explain that the scheduling issues became too difficult to work around, that I value the time she's given me, and I hope that we have a chance to work together in the future.
posted by purplecurlygirl at 7:25 PM on October 15, 2008

Sorry to hear that your mentoring relationship is not working out.

I agree with the sentiments expressed by others that you cannot be resentful about the mentor changing appointments and not being that available. Although your company literature about the program may say that it is the responsibility of both parties, the common wisdom goes that you are responsible for your own development and participating in a mentor program is part of such development. A good mentor will often be very busy as they tend to be senior people in the organization.

I get the impression that you do not really feel you would benefit from a mentor relationship so I think it would be best to drop out. In my experiene dealing with mentors, they can be very valuable if you have a problem / area you would like to get input on, but things usually does not work out if there is no clear focus area to work on.

I would discuss this with your manager and would afterwards let the mentor know about your decission. By just not letting her know anything, you are likely to creata a bad name for yourself as someone who does not follow up and is not interested in developing yourself. It is amazing how people's opinions get formed from a few impressions and once you have a certain name for yourself, it can be hard to change it. I would just be honest about it and say something along the line of "I signed up for the program, but once I was part of it I found it hard to make the most out of it as I have been extremely busy and do not feel I manage to get the value out of the program I had expected. I would like to stop my participation in the program for now and would like to thank you for your time and effort in reaching out to me." I would not give her a hard tim about not being available, but more make it about you not getting the value out of the program.
posted by eurandom at 5:50 AM on October 16, 2008 [1 favorite]