How do I deal with a super-chatty co-worker I can't afford to offend?

October 12, 2007 6:54 AM

How do I deal with a super-chatty co-worker I can't afford to offend?

I've recently started a new job and my supervisor is extremely chatty to the point where it's seriously disrupting my ability to get work done. The trouble is she's not only a lovely person who I don't want to offend, she's also my boss so I literally can't afford to offend her!

I've tried all the standard methods of politely indicating I need to keep working - headphones on, working and saying "mm hmm" while she's talking (at me most of the time I'm afraid, not to me), and not-very-subtly pointing out in the morning how full my schedule for the day is - but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

I think she simply really enjoys talking, and thankfully doesn't usually require much response, but I'm still not sure how to keep on her good side AND get my work done. I certainly don't mind listening to her, and do my best anyway to listen carefully and make other people feel valued, but I don't particularly enjoy being stuck at work late playing catch-up.

Do you have any suggestions of how I can deal with my super-chatty supervisor without offending her? Quitting or moving teams / rooms isn't an option, but any other suggestions would be very very (did I mention very?) welcome. Thank you :)

posted by katala to human relations (18 comments total)

Temporary solution: If someone's chatting away at me when I'm at my desk, I slowly begin an exit routine: I stand up, listen a bit, slowly move out of my cube, all the while listening, and then, before you know it, I'm gone. The chatty person doesn't get offended , and, if they ask where I'm going (rarely), just tell them I have to go "take care of business" or something. Repeat as often as necessary, and they might, might, get the hint.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 7:02 AM on October 12, 2007

Are you in a cube or an office? If you have a door to shut, I'd start by keeping it closed.

Failing that, it may be time to get somewhat blunt. Sit her down, say "listen, I love talking to you in the morning, but I have to get things done," etc. If done with tact, it shouldn't be too detrimental to your career.
posted by craven_morhead at 7:03 AM on October 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

I have my desk phone on speed dial on my cell phone - if whoever stops by to talk is taking too much of my time, I discretely call my desk phone and go through the answer routine to my imaginary caller.

Works every time.
posted by quadrinary at 7:04 AM on October 12, 2007 [3 favorites]

It's actually good that she's your boss, in some ways. Becasue when you take advantage of a lull to say, "Hey, I don't mean to cut you off, but if I don't get this done I'm going to be scrambling by the end of the day/week, and then you'll REALLY have something to talk to me about!" Hopefully she'll get it and laugh and let you work. If she seems at all miffed, all you have to do is say, "You know I like you and I'm glad we can talk like this. I'm just afraid of falling behind and letting you down. How about we work out some sort of signal for when I really need to work on something?"

This will play out best over the long term if you come to HER when you have a moment to chat, so that you're the one controlling the when and the how-long. After a while you'll "train" her to expect you to initiate conversation.

And to keep things pleasant, you really will have to initiate conversation if at other times you're asking her to cool it, because if you don't she'll really just think you don't like her.
posted by hermitosis at 7:07 AM on October 12, 2007 [6 favorites]

Do you have co-workers who are in the same boat? Arrange to “rescue” each other. If you see your boss trapping a coworker, dial their phone or do something else that will give them an out. Have them do the same to you.
posted by bondcliff at 7:12 AM on October 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

My office is basically one very large open plan space and when lots of people are in (we're mostly in the field) it can get quite busy and get very distracting. On one such day when I was about to lose the will to live - sitting next to a trainee who required frequent input and was generally chatty my co worker introduced me to his preferred method - the quiet room.

Imagine yourself in a quiet room - and get on with your work...my colleague is very friendly and helpful as a rule but manages to block out background noise and conversation which does not involve him directly...

You said she doesn't require replies etc so you could just block her out to a sort of muffled noise...if she actually requires a reply she'll catch your attention...Bearing in mind that your boss is talking at you as opposed to with you you should be fine...just one step further than occasional hmms!

If you are concerned about being rude bear in mind that she is probably used to people not hanging on every word she says :)
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:15 AM on October 12, 2007

As an alternative suggestion — depending on the degree of office politics at your office, it may be wise just to indulge her, as part of your job. If she has the ability to fire you, well, no, she wouldn't dismiss you just for not listening to her, but it would no doubt be wise to stay on her good side.
posted by WCityMike at 7:44 AM on October 12, 2007

In this situations, I always pointedly explain that I'm the type who can work and listen at the same time, so that they shouldn't be offended if I work while they talk. I'm always polite and occasionally stop what I'm doing to really listen to a certain point. It's never been a problem.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:49 AM on October 12, 2007

"Hey, I don't mean to cut you off, but if I don't get this done I'm going to be scrambling by the end of the day/week, and then you'll REALLY have something to talk to me about!" Hopefully she'll get it and laugh and let you work. If she seems at all miffed, all you have to do is say, "You know I like you and I'm glad we can talk like this. I'm just afraid of falling behind and letting you down.

Hermitosis's got it.
posted by desuetude at 7:54 AM on October 12, 2007

I second WCityMike, just listen to her. Chalk it up to part of the job.
posted by jazzman at 7:57 AM on October 12, 2007

I've always heard that when someone enters your office, you should stand and keep standing (unless you really want to talk to them for a while). By doing this, you send the nonverbal message that you do not want the visitor to get too comfortable, and that this should be a short conversation.

Even if she sits, you stand.
posted by 4ster at 7:57 AM on October 12, 2007

Bible verses, my friend.

For every situation she brings up, you quote applicable bible verses. Ones that make no sense all the better:

Proverbs 6:27 Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?

Jeremiah 19:5 They have built the high places of Baal to burn their sons in the fire as offerings to Baal--something I did not command or mention, nor did it enter my mind.

It'd be tremendously annoying to most people, and if she fires you for it -- cha ching!

(Yeah, i know, that's my answer to everything.)
posted by letahl at 8:09 AM on October 12, 2007 [5 favorites]

If you can touch type, just carry on working while looking straight in her eyes and nodding with the mmm hmm's. I've found that if the direct eye contact doesn't vibe them on its own, the typing does enough to give them the message.
posted by ukdanae at 8:59 AM on October 12, 2007

My sympathies! I have worked for this woman and she drove me absolutely freaking crazy. I even had to share a very small office for awhile, just me and her. In my situation, my boss was: very lonely, manic, hyper and verbal, but otherwise a really nice person.

The biggest lesson I learned about dealing with the over-talkative boss (or co-worker) for that matter, is that need to refrain from telling them anything too personal, because it will accidentally get repeated when they are babbling to someone else in the office.

I second the keep working, nod and smile routine. I sometimes successfully ended chat rampages by waiting for a pause, then saying something like "well it was good to touch base!" or "thanks for the update."

My chatty cathy liked talking about her church/political/personal life. She quit talking to me as much when I gently shared with her my left-wing, athiest, feminist points of view.

I ended up quitting my job after two years and a lot of it was because of chatty boss.
posted by pluckysparrow at 12:03 PM on October 12, 2007

My boss sometimes does this and I do a variation of hermitosis' answer: I tell her upfront (or at a convenient lull/my time to respond) that I have a conference call at x time. That way I've set a time limit for our chat and she's not offended when I look at the clock at 3 mins to x and say I have to go.
posted by widdershins at 12:06 PM on October 12, 2007

After a minute or two, pretend that you're as much a part of the "conversation" as she is. "I have to stop gabbing and do a little work." "I could chat all day, but... I better not."
posted by wryly at 1:14 PM on October 12, 2007

I am your chatty coworker. No, not literally. This happens to me all the time. I talk a lot and like to think out loud, ask people their ideas and opinions. It works for some people and not so well for others.

My advice is be up front. I've had a lot of people tell me to shut up over the years. Don't be passive/aggressive, just make it clear you need some quiet. This happened to me in my last job - there were two of us chatterboxes and two "strong and silent" types sharing a small cube-like area with our desks facing each other. One of our coworkers was nice about it and would listen to his headphones, and if we interrupted him would send an email saying "I'm in the groove on this project. I'm taking questions from 2-3pm. Please don't distract unless you have an emergency. Peace."

Our asshole coworker on the other hand, would put up physical barriers, move his desk to face away from us, and write weird office memos about the 'volume level.' Then he took his desk and moved it into a storage space in the attic with a "do not disturb" sign. I swear to god. At that point we would have preferred a hearty "shut the fuck up" to his ridiculous coping strategies. We were not big fans.

If I were in your situation, I would ask the person for some advice - "Hey Coworker, how do you get everything done in the day? I'm having trouble keeping up with the workload and it takes me some time to focus and get going on projects. What should I do?" Let them rattle off some answer and say, "thanks. I'm really trying to get off on the right foot in this position and I would really appreciate it if you can help me keep focused. If you can try not to interrupt me when I'm working it would really help." If they seem hurt you can throw them a bone and make plans to catch up over a cup of coffee on break or after work drinks or something. BE DIRECT!
posted by SassHat at 3:32 PM on October 12, 2007

Thank you all VERY much for your great answers! I'm going to try a combination of the various techniques listed, and also simply indulge her when I can as "part of the job". Thank you again, I really appreciate it :)
posted by katala at 9:25 PM on October 12, 2007