How to talk about success without being off-putting?
July 1, 2015 4:02 PM Subscribe
The last 12 months were amazing for me. Professionally, as a (now associate) professor in the physical sciences, I won promotion and tenure, won 3 major federal grants (totaling over $2M combined to fund my research lab), and published over 10 papers. I'm over the moon with joy, especially regarding the funding, as my lab was really limping along due to inadequate funding a year ago. In my personal life, my elementary school age kids are thriving and we took a once-in-a-lifetime tropical vacation. After a ton of hard work over the past 5 years (babies, assistant professor phase, accompanying travails) life feels really good.
Friends and colleagues greet this with mixed response. Some are thrilled for me. Others seem to take my success as a 'threat.' Just yesterday, a colleague asked me how I was doing and I listed everything going well. The colleagues response was along the lines of, "now you're making me feel bad for my lack of accomplishment!" I've heard this more than once from colleagues, and similarly from, for instance, old friends who have trouble conceiving children.
I recall from similar 'periods of success' in my life that some old friends seemed to withdraw when I shared my good news. I wonder, is there something about the way I share personal good news or discuss it that is off-putting? Or is this more about them and not so much about me?
Friends and colleagues greet this with mixed response. Some are thrilled for me. Others seem to take my success as a 'threat.' Just yesterday, a colleague asked me how I was doing and I listed everything going well. The colleagues response was along the lines of, "now you're making me feel bad for my lack of accomplishment!" I've heard this more than once from colleagues, and similarly from, for instance, old friends who have trouble conceiving children.
I recall from similar 'periods of success' in my life that some old friends seemed to withdraw when I shared my good news. I wonder, is there something about the way I share personal good news or discuss it that is off-putting? Or is this more about them and not so much about me?
Best answer: Adding to the previous: if you feel you must expand for the sake of carrying on the conversation, choose one thing to elaborate on, and make it something that is not likely to be personally threatening to the person you're talking to. If you're talking to a colleague, don't mention your grant success and promotion; if you're talking to a friend who has been having trouble with their kids or is struggling with infertility, don't talk about how awesome your kids are doing; etc.
posted by forza at 4:15 PM on July 1, 2015 [35 favorites]
posted by forza at 4:15 PM on July 1, 2015 [35 favorites]
Best answer: Yes, it's the listing EVERYTHING out that is off-putting. I've had similar reactions in the past before I learned to tone it down substantially. Either stick to a simple, "Things are great!" or share only ONE big of news depending on who you're speaking with (publications with colleagues, tropical vaca with friends, your children with doting grandparents).
posted by anderjen at 4:17 PM on July 1, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by anderjen at 4:17 PM on July 1, 2015 [15 favorites]
Honestly, just reading this is uncomfortable. You're crossing the line to bragging and it feels like you're looking down at me cause no one is as awesome as you. Take it down a couple of notches. You are not relatable. You seem very self-involved. I'm not saying you are but part of being a good conversationalist is taking care of your listener.
posted by Aranquis at 4:17 PM on July 1, 2015 [34 favorites]
posted by Aranquis at 4:17 PM on July 1, 2015 [34 favorites]
If someone asks, "How are you?" you should respond, "Great! We just got back from vacation and it was wonderful. How are you?" Then if the person cares they can ask you where you went, and you can go from there. If they don't care enough to ask, then you've just successfully avoided an unwanted information dump. It's fine to drop a detail, but it isn't polite to drop EVERY detail because it quickly becomes bragging.
posted by gatorae at 4:20 PM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by gatorae at 4:20 PM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yeah, the laundry list of Ways My Life Is Awesome is always going to put people off. It's self-centered and gross. You certainly don't have to pretend that things are going badly, but absolutely do not go into the kind of detail you've given here. An acceptable answer to your colleague would have been: "This has been a really good year, actually. I'm so relieved to finally be tenured. What a weight off my shoulders!"
posted by MsMolly at 4:24 PM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 4:24 PM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I think it's okay to talk about a successful venture--like getting funding after a long dry spell. That's cool. But listing everything that's all swell could be a bit much. People who can't be happy for you might not really be bosom friends. I like to hear about my friend's accomplishments--your vacation doesn't mean there's one less trip for me. But, most people expect you to couch these sorts of statements with some sort of modesty--"We got lucky" etc.. I doubt that you're really blowing your own horn that loudly, but you may want to limit your reply to one event at a time. If you go on about the vacation, don't mention the funding or the publishing. And don't write a holiday letter at the end of the year listing all this stuff.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:29 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 4:29 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
One cue to look for is how much they share with you, so try to be the first asker (if you aren't already).
So if Bob gives you a one word answer, keep it short (Pretty good!). If Karen mentions her vacation, ask follow-ups before launching into your news (and try not to one-up, so make it a different kind of story on your side). Likewise, if they list a bunch of downers, don't launch into your list of awesomeness, downplay it a bit even.
There are some people who want to hear all about it: they'll be friends that you'd meet for coffee. And keep it a conversation.
And keep the context in mind: I may want to hear all about it (and if we are friends, I do!), but not when running by each other in the hall.
posted by ghost phoneme at 4:34 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
So if Bob gives you a one word answer, keep it short (Pretty good!). If Karen mentions her vacation, ask follow-ups before launching into your news (and try not to one-up, so make it a different kind of story on your side). Likewise, if they list a bunch of downers, don't launch into your list of awesomeness, downplay it a bit even.
There are some people who want to hear all about it: they'll be friends that you'd meet for coffee. And keep it a conversation.
And keep the context in mind: I may want to hear all about it (and if we are friends, I do!), but not when running by each other in the hall.
posted by ghost phoneme at 4:34 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
When people ask how you are, they're not literally asking for an assessment of how your life is going. It's more of a verbal handshake than a genuine enquiry. "I'm great thanks, how are you?" is plenty. If it's someone you think might be genuinely interested, yep, a single, self-deprecating answer is enough. If they're really interested they'll ask more and you can go from there.
The point of having a successful life is to enjoy it, not necessarily to talk about it.
posted by penguin pie at 4:36 PM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
The point of having a successful life is to enjoy it, not necessarily to talk about it.
posted by penguin pie at 4:36 PM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Good news! you won't always have to worry about this, because new troubles will emerge. One way to temper your enthusiasm is to acknowledge this rare period of delight as just that: "I'm having one of those great years that comes along only once in a great while. Trying to enjoy it while it lasts. And you?"
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:50 PM on July 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:50 PM on July 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
Let me say that I am THRILLED for you and that I totally understand. My life was really hard for a long time and, well, now it's way less crummy. In part due to getting a stellar faculty job on my first try, with program officers at major funding agencies that really want to fund me. Wow! Sometimes I want to tell people this stuff because I am so glad for myself. It was hard for awhile and also my personal life was rotten and I was seriously very close to the edge of the cliff.
So I get it! And I mean this: CONGRATULATIONS!
Can you brag to your spouse? Or to your mom? Therapist? Diary? You should celebrate and be HAPPY but at the same time no one that you know professionally is going to be all that happy for you. Academia is cutthroat and people get really upset when other people do well. The only person that you should share this stuff with is the Dean, who needs to be able to brag about you to her superiors.
It may help to remember that science is not about the scientist, it's about the science. This is not about you; it's about your good work. So when people ask how you are, focus on the science: "We are getting really interesting results!" That might help.
And again, sincerely, congrats. You should be proud!
posted by sockermom at 5:22 PM on July 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
So I get it! And I mean this: CONGRATULATIONS!
Can you brag to your spouse? Or to your mom? Therapist? Diary? You should celebrate and be HAPPY but at the same time no one that you know professionally is going to be all that happy for you. Academia is cutthroat and people get really upset when other people do well. The only person that you should share this stuff with is the Dean, who needs to be able to brag about you to her superiors.
It may help to remember that science is not about the scientist, it's about the science. This is not about you; it's about your good work. So when people ask how you are, focus on the science: "We are getting really interesting results!" That might help.
And again, sincerely, congrats. You should be proud!
posted by sockermom at 5:22 PM on July 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
It's true that this can easily turn into blatant braggart, which will turn many people off. So - try not to pile it on too thick.
One thing, though: pay attention to the way people react to your Good Year. I don't want to sound all paranoid, but sometimes people have friends who are mostly interested in 'feeding' off of the negatives in other people's lives. These people will sometimes expose themselves when you tell them your good news. It's not 100% - if you're talking to someone who just had a really bad year, they're probably going to seem less than enthusiastic about your success.
posted by doctor tough love at 5:34 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
One thing, though: pay attention to the way people react to your Good Year. I don't want to sound all paranoid, but sometimes people have friends who are mostly interested in 'feeding' off of the negatives in other people's lives. These people will sometimes expose themselves when you tell them your good news. It's not 100% - if you're talking to someone who just had a really bad year, they're probably going to seem less than enthusiastic about your success.
posted by doctor tough love at 5:34 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
When answering any question, understand _why_ the questioner is asking it.
posted by amtho at 5:36 PM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by amtho at 5:36 PM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
You favorited some great advice above. I would also add that in cases where you do go into detail- say you are discussing something with a really good friend -- it is important to acknowledge elements of luck and relief. Listeners, even listeners who care about you (which is a small %) will have a much better reaction to "it's a relief to be out of the diapers phase!" and "we're grateful to have gotten funding for the lab, it was touch and go there for a long time" than to anything that smacks of gloating or entitlement.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:37 PM on July 1, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:37 PM on July 1, 2015 [11 favorites]
I guess I'm the oddball because I absolutely LOVE it when the people I care about are doing well and it fills me with joy and infectious energy to hear every last detail. People who care about you should not feel "threatened" when you share your good news; slightly envious, I can understand, but threatened? No. There's nothing wrong with you. You may need some new friends though.
(And congratulations! I don't even know you, but I'm happy for you.)
posted by LuckySeven~ at 5:38 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
(And congratulations! I don't even know you, but I'm happy for you.)
posted by LuckySeven~ at 5:38 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would think that if you have to refer to your long list of successes (and they do sound wonderful--a thousand congratulations!) I would add verbiage recognizing that these projects have been long in the making. How about "Yeah, this year saw some long-term projects really bear fruit." It conveys a sense that you didn't just snap you fingers and everything fell into place, but that you put your time in and paid your dues.
posted by Liesl at 6:07 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Liesl at 6:07 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
The cumulative effect of all that success can be pretty off-putting for people whose lives are not going so well. If any of your friends is battling depression, depression brain can be very good at interpreting anyone else's successes to be further evidence of how the depressed person clearly doesn't deserve any of those good things. This is pretty much on the depressed person, but you can help by not listing ALL THE THINGS at once, not going into details (got funding, yes, but leave out the $2M part), etc.
For people who aren't depressed, there may be some envy or jealousy in there as you list all your achievements. If they're aware of that feeling, they may also feel guilty about it because they think they should be happy for you. Plus, there's a long tradition of belief systems/cultures that reinforce modesty - pride goeth before a fall, the concept of hubris, etc. Basically, that it's anything from bad manners to bad luck to tempting fate to brag about how well you're doing. And let's face it, stories end with "happily ever after" - they don't keep going. The struggle to achieve happiness is the interesting part.
Talking only about one aspect of your success rather than the entire list can help here, too. It can also help to emphasise contributions of others, or outside factors that assisted. If your attitude is humble gratitude rather than overjoyed entitlement, people will probably react much better.
One final analogy: think back to a time when you've been hungover, or sleep-deprived from being up all night with a baby, or something. Dragging yourself around through your day, weren't you even a little tempted to smack the cheery, energetic morning people who greeted you perkily and offered you a platitude about lemons and lemonade or something? Yeah, that.
posted by Athanassiel at 6:51 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
For people who aren't depressed, there may be some envy or jealousy in there as you list all your achievements. If they're aware of that feeling, they may also feel guilty about it because they think they should be happy for you. Plus, there's a long tradition of belief systems/cultures that reinforce modesty - pride goeth before a fall, the concept of hubris, etc. Basically, that it's anything from bad manners to bad luck to tempting fate to brag about how well you're doing. And let's face it, stories end with "happily ever after" - they don't keep going. The struggle to achieve happiness is the interesting part.
Talking only about one aspect of your success rather than the entire list can help here, too. It can also help to emphasise contributions of others, or outside factors that assisted. If your attitude is humble gratitude rather than overjoyed entitlement, people will probably react much better.
One final analogy: think back to a time when you've been hungover, or sleep-deprived from being up all night with a baby, or something. Dragging yourself around through your day, weren't you even a little tempted to smack the cheery, energetic morning people who greeted you perkily and offered you a platitude about lemons and lemonade or something? Yeah, that.
posted by Athanassiel at 6:51 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
From another academic, congrats!!
In addition to the above, think about two things: first, the example you want to set for how things, other people's accomplishments, etc. are handled in the future. With tenure (ahh!), it's your job to act as a mentor even more - and how you handle this is a big part. Be the colleague you want to have. Set the example.
Second, put yourself in the shoes of someone whose grant just got triaged, again, and who goes up for tenure next year. Because we all play that role at times. Think about how you'd want to hear about your news if you were that person. Be the friend, the ear you want to have. Set the kindness bar.
posted by Dashy at 6:52 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
In addition to the above, think about two things: first, the example you want to set for how things, other people's accomplishments, etc. are handled in the future. With tenure (ahh!), it's your job to act as a mentor even more - and how you handle this is a big part. Be the colleague you want to have. Set the example.
Second, put yourself in the shoes of someone whose grant just got triaged, again, and who goes up for tenure next year. Because we all play that role at times. Think about how you'd want to hear about your news if you were that person. Be the friend, the ear you want to have. Set the kindness bar.
posted by Dashy at 6:52 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you like to set goals and celebrate achieving them, you might look into joining a group that specifically welcomes success stories. For example, people launching startups will often join a mastermind group or other closed social group that encourages people to share their successes. A group I was in had a thread specifically for "bragging" and it was popular and inspiring.
I don't know if there's an equivalent for people building an academic career, but if there were, that would be a good place to celebrate, share how you did it, and get ideas and help to move you even further forward.
posted by ceiba at 6:53 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't know if there's an equivalent for people building an academic career, but if there were, that would be a good place to celebrate, share how you did it, and get ideas and help to move you even further forward.
posted by ceiba at 6:53 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm in academia and wouldn't be particularly interested in the details of your grants and pubs, as you list them here, even though I'd be happy that you were feeling fulfilled. It might work well to focus not on the details of success but the feeling behind it. "I'm doing great! I had a couple of hard years that are finally paying off." or "I'm getting to a place I really like in my career." or just plain "everything's coming up Doc_Sock!" (I mean, I'm in a very different kind of place but also feel like I am finally reaping the rewards of years of hard work, and if we were chatting, I'd rather connect on those commonalities than feel separated by tenure and funding details.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:30 PM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:30 PM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
But, most people expect you to couch these sorts of statements with some sort of modesty--"We got lucky" etc..
And that's because luck is a significant part of success—even things you feel you worked really hard for, like "babies, assistant professor phase", e.g., you were lucky to be born with the skills/supportive family/financial wherewithal to become a professor in the first place. At the very least, you didn't get hit with some random, serious bad luck.
Just something to keep in mind.
posted by she's not there at 7:48 PM on July 1, 2015 [27 favorites]
And that's because luck is a significant part of success—even things you feel you worked really hard for, like "babies, assistant professor phase", e.g., you were lucky to be born with the skills/supportive family/financial wherewithal to become a professor in the first place. At the very least, you didn't get hit with some random, serious bad luck.
Just something to keep in mind.
posted by she's not there at 7:48 PM on July 1, 2015 [27 favorites]
I think with some people, you could talk about what is interesting and dynamic in your life right now. "I'm really excited about this experiment I've got going/book I'm writing/whatever." A lot of people enjoy learning what makes you tick, even if they can only sort of understand it. Just leave out the part about recognition; it's kind of generic and doesn't really help the person know you better. Of course, if it seems like people are only asking to be polite, you can cut it short or just say, "We just got back from XYZ; it was really neat."
posted by BibiRose at 8:02 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 8:02 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
At the risk of joining a pile-on, I know a couple photographers who've been monumentally successful in recent times, doing things like shooting covers for the biggest sports magazine in the country, shooting from ringside at the world's biggest boxing matches, etc.
These are things a lot of photographers would trade at least one limb for.
I mention them because I learn of their successes not from them, but from seeing photos and checking photo credits.
Of course I congratulate them when I see them (and I write so there's no prospect of professional jealousy). Without fail, they just say things like, "Thanks; I've been fortunate," and "Thanks; I'm just trying to keep the right people happy."
posted by ambient2 at 8:47 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
These are things a lot of photographers would trade at least one limb for.
I mention them because I learn of their successes not from them, but from seeing photos and checking photo credits.
Of course I congratulate them when I see them (and I write so there's no prospect of professional jealousy). Without fail, they just say things like, "Thanks; I've been fortunate," and "Thanks; I'm just trying to keep the right people happy."
posted by ambient2 at 8:47 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Eh, fuck em. As long as you acknowledge how lucky you are, and how you had to pass through some real struggles to get there, don't let jealous negative haters get you down. I'd much rather listen to a cheerful braggart than a judgemental fake-humble downer complain about their minor setbacks. You punched sorrow in the butt and won a temporary respite from the endless piss stream of adult capitalism--Go you! Let us celebrate you and wish you continued successing.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:58 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:58 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
The way this question is phrased is very off-putting! So I think you have some unintentional tone issues, although you may be trying to simply be factual. I agree that you can be honest and joyful in your successes without presenting a laundry-list of accomplishments.
More importantly, the grease of good conversation is taking an interest in the other person. You have had tremendous good fortune (due in part to your hard work, and in part, no doubt, to good luck). Now shine that light around you! Take a real interest in your peers, family and neighbors. Ask what they're working on or proud of. Use your strengths to allow others to shine too.
posted by latkes at 9:28 PM on July 1, 2015
More importantly, the grease of good conversation is taking an interest in the other person. You have had tremendous good fortune (due in part to your hard work, and in part, no doubt, to good luck). Now shine that light around you! Take a real interest in your peers, family and neighbors. Ask what they're working on or proud of. Use your strengths to allow others to shine too.
posted by latkes at 9:28 PM on July 1, 2015
If you are talking to someone who you know is struggling with achieving similar success, or if someone who is not as successful as you yet, like a graduate student or undergraduate student who are still making their way, please please offer to help them or mentor them if they show any sign of slight dismay or worry of comparing themselves. It is truly wonderful to feel seen or heard by someone else who has achieved success, even if it's taking them out to coffee and asking about what they hope to aspire for.
Everyone has dreams, but sometimes it can feel really hopeless whether we can achieve them. Having someone take an active interest in them, and knowing where they are coming from, and maybe even becoming a mentor, is a really generous way to put your accomplishments, and the process of attaining those accomplishments, to good use.
As for the old friends who withdraw - they also suffer from feeling the need to compare and measure up. Express that you see many things of value in them in other ways, and ask and learn to be supportive of their goals. Camaraderie is very important.
posted by yueliang at 9:37 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Everyone has dreams, but sometimes it can feel really hopeless whether we can achieve them. Having someone take an active interest in them, and knowing where they are coming from, and maybe even becoming a mentor, is a really generous way to put your accomplishments, and the process of attaining those accomplishments, to good use.
As for the old friends who withdraw - they also suffer from feeling the need to compare and measure up. Express that you see many things of value in them in other ways, and ask and learn to be supportive of their goals. Camaraderie is very important.
posted by yueliang at 9:37 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
People are always trying to police women into humbleness, dissatisfaction and lack of self esteem. Go you. I guess it's just a thing to be aware of - that not everyone can be happy listening to a tale of someone else's effort and good luck - and temper the telling accordingly. In the meantime your self-confidence and sense of achievement is something you can pass on to your juniors and mentees to their advantage.
posted by glasseyes at 4:20 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by glasseyes at 4:20 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Having just read that back after the edit window, I mean Good for you, well done, and some of the answers here smack to me of woman-humbling.
posted by glasseyes at 6:08 AM on July 2, 2015
posted by glasseyes at 6:08 AM on July 2, 2015
But, most people expect you to couch these sorts of statements with some sort of modesty--"We got lucky" etc..
Also, if you are in science, you know and I know and everyone knows how very stochastic the funding process is in the present environment (NSF funds at about 5% in my area. I was lucky with PD assignment this year, but last year my PD had NO IDEA what I do, and the outcome corresponded). We've ALL been on the unlucky side of that and when the lucky side hits -- you have to acknowledge that it is still luck to be funded. Hard work, good grants, productivity, etc -- AND luck.
back to today's grant now ... and again, congrats on tenure. Which is less stochastic, but still has its days.
posted by Dashy at 7:12 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, if you are in science, you know and I know and everyone knows how very stochastic the funding process is in the present environment (NSF funds at about 5% in my area. I was lucky with PD assignment this year, but last year my PD had NO IDEA what I do, and the outcome corresponded). We've ALL been on the unlucky side of that and when the lucky side hits -- you have to acknowledge that it is still luck to be funded. Hard work, good grants, productivity, etc -- AND luck.
back to today's grant now ... and again, congrats on tenure. Which is less stochastic, but still has its days.
posted by Dashy at 7:12 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: On the issue of couching things in terms of "luck" - when discussing my success or someone else's success, I like to use the term "fortunate" instead of "lucky". It seems that luck to most people implies randomness, as if the successful person didn't do anything to deserve it. On the other hand, saying fortunate leaves room for both sides of the truth: you worked hard on the successes, but it's also fortunate that things worked out for you. So saying fortunate recognizes both the things you did to make this happen, and the fact that things outside of your control did not derail your success.
If you honestly thought you got to this point purely by your own virtue and luck, fortune, or things outside of your control had nothing to do with it, then others' assessment of you as a self-centered braggart would be spot on. But I don't think that's what's going on here, I just think you are happy that things are going well. I think the term fortunate fits perfectly.
posted by Tehhund at 8:18 AM on July 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
If you honestly thought you got to this point purely by your own virtue and luck, fortune, or things outside of your control had nothing to do with it, then others' assessment of you as a self-centered braggart would be spot on. But I don't think that's what's going on here, I just think you are happy that things are going well. I think the term fortunate fits perfectly.
posted by Tehhund at 8:18 AM on July 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
"I've heard this more than once from colleagues, and similarly from, for instance, old friends who have trouble conceiving children."
Are you actually going on about your children with old friends that you know are having trouble conceiving? Because that goes so far beyond insensitive that it's no wonder you're feeling that people don't share in your joy.
I wonder, is there something about the way I share personal good news or discuss it that is off-putting?
"off-putting" may be understating the case—I suspect that these exchanges leave some people feeling very bad, indeed.
2nding above remarks about carefully tailoring your response to your audience.
posted by she's not there at 10:17 PM on July 3, 2015
Are you actually going on about your children with old friends that you know are having trouble conceiving? Because that goes so far beyond insensitive that it's no wonder you're feeling that people don't share in your joy.
I wonder, is there something about the way I share personal good news or discuss it that is off-putting?
"off-putting" may be understating the case—I suspect that these exchanges leave some people feeling very bad, indeed.
2nding above remarks about carefully tailoring your response to your audience.
posted by she's not there at 10:17 PM on July 3, 2015
I think you've got to know your audience here. Sharing stories about how great your kids are doing is best among friends who also have kids (or who you happen to know love your kids but aren't actively "trying" - I fall into this box for many of my friends in that I'm happily childless but love hearing about their kids and the know it). Sharing about your latest grants and publications is appropriate for your mentors and peers who are having similar professional success. But it's boorish and bordering on just plain mean to brag about your kids with friends who are struggling with infertility or to brag about professional accomplishments with a friend who's down on their professional luck. I mean, would you regale a chemo patient with stories about your long, beautiful hair? I would hope not.
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:14 PM on July 10, 2015
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:14 PM on July 10, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:07 PM on July 1, 2015 [75 favorites]