Is it normal for someone to stop texting after a first date is set up?
July 1, 2015 4:03 PM   Subscribe

This guy I met online has been texting me for the past few days and we sometimes would text back and forth for several hours but we haven't talked on the phone yet. Two days ago, we decided to meet up at the park but ended up cancelling it because of bad weather. We rescheduled the date to another day. Since then, I noticed him stop initiating convo with me and ignoring some of my texts unless I ask him a question. I'm confused as to whether or not he's still interested in me or if he's trying to take a break until the date? Has anyone been through this before?

Also I wanted to mention that I suggested that we meet at a coffee shop instead since we couldn't do outdoor, and he insisted to reschedule the date. Also, does that mean he's not that into me?
Thank you!
posted by missybitsy to Human Relations (13 answers total)
I don't like to text a lot before meeting someone. I recently met a guy online and once we set up the date I was okay with not talking much until the date took place. He tried to message a few times and I tried to politely discourage it by being slow to respond.

To me lots of chat is something you do with someone you have met and established a connection with. Can't speak for this guy, but I'd go ahead and meet and see how that goes.
posted by bunderful at 4:14 PM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]

Several hours per day of texting with someone you haven't even met yet sounds exhausting to me. If I had to guess, he probably still wants to meet you but he got bored with the endless texting. I've been in the position before where I'm still interested, but that initial thrill of connecting with a new person wears off and I don't want to be texting with him all the time.

I'll also say that my preference is to meet someone in person pretty much right away without doing too much emailing or texting back and forth first, because often someone's "text persona" is a little (or a lot!) different from their IRL persona. I'd rather get to know the real person first. Back off for now and text or call him the day of your planned meetup to confirm and go from there.
posted by kitty teeth at 4:18 PM on July 1, 2015 [9 favorites]

I wouldn't invest that much time in this guy (or any online guy).


IME it was pretty normal for communication to drop off, sometimes radically, after a date was actually scheduled, until the date actually took place.
posted by kenko at 4:20 PM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]

Yeah, don't text too much before you actually meet up, or, in my opinion, early on in the getting to know you stage. At least go on a couple of dates, and until then, only text to handle the logistics. You barely know the person and you don't really want to build up your expectations too much or invest more than you should.
posted by un petit cadeau at 5:17 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

I prefer to not text much until we've met in person.

In general, I will text to start the conversation rolling, and will continue until we've established a date, then I strongly prefer to not text much until then. I have plenty of friends I already know and can joke and share stuff with online. I don't know this new person, I am simply interested in meeting up to see if I would continue being interested. Texting, without context, doesn't help with that.

Besides, if we already said everything by text, what's for when we actually meet? ;)
posted by enlivener at 5:56 PM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

Maybe your date is this guy? Probably not, but clearly it's some people's preference not to text too much before the first date.
posted by Cheese Monster at 9:52 PM on July 1, 2015

My experience with online dating is that there's a ramping up of communication previous to setting a first date, and then a lull immediately preceding. I think most people like to conserve that energy for the first date; they don't want the date to feel anti-climactic, and -- more specifically -- no one wants to have exhausted precious conversation topics.

I wouldn't invest that much time in this guy (or any online guy).

If I'm reading ifdss#9 correctly, I agree: It's generally a good idea to keep the investment of emotional energy and time fairly minimal, until you've met the person for real. Many people make the mistake of becoming heavily invested/attached to someone through online chats, only to finally meet and feel disappointed (whether through a lack of physical attraction, relative to the mental connection already established, or just because they've been mislead about their date's appearance or sensibilities). This becomes exhausting.

My preference was always to arrange a first date as soon as seemed appropriate (e.g. after only a few positive text/email exchanges, and no more than a couple of weeks after the initial contact). To avoid the potential for misreadings (as you seem to have experienced), the details of the actual date were typically arranged via voice call, which also gave an advance sense of how that person actually behaved/what kind of vibe they gave off. Then, a general radio silence until the date, unless things needed to be rescheduled. (If done well, that downtime would usually be less than a week.)

This is a roundabout way of saying that your potential date isn't giving off any "red flags," for me, at least as you are describing. I mean, sticking to outdoor setting might read as weird, but -- objectively -- no weirder than preferring a casual coffee shop over a more-serious restaurant. Maybe he just likes the outdoors, or assumes that you'll feel safer in an open, highly-public place? I wouldn't worry about parsing his intent (or stress out about any of this, at such an early stage) until you've gotten a better sense of him as a person.

Good luck!
posted by credible hulk at 11:03 PM on July 1, 2015

Texting/chatting can ebb and flow. There's nothing unusual about that. What feels off (to me) here is that you have not talked to this person after lots and lots of texting, and you are going to meet in a park. Please meet strangers in a less open public space where the presence of others is guaranteed. Coffee shops are great for this.
posted by zennie at 7:22 AM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

I almost broke up with my now-husband because he didn't text me back before our second date. Some people just aren't big texters. We've been married for two years and he still sucks at texting. Just as a data point.
posted by corb at 9:14 AM on July 2, 2015

Personally I'm comfortable with the first date being a bit more like an interview than a possible mugging scenario if I know approximately jack about the person I'm meeting. I've met dozens of people from online life, some of whom I shared a room with the first day we met. But there was much more leading up than some intense texting. There are also less staid places than coffee shops. :)
posted by zennie at 12:08 PM on July 2, 2015

Here's a possibility: Something else is going on in his life that's taking lots of time/attention and texting isn't a top priority. Especially if he had to reschedule the first date, he might be embroiled in a big work project or a friend or family member might be having an issue and he's focused on that. Heck, maybe a new game was released that he's playing through. When juggling multiple things, "person I'm going on a date with that may or not be something potentially awesome" can be a lower priority when busy.
posted by Gucky at 1:55 PM on July 2, 2015

Yes, this is normal. He's not really going to know whether he's into you until he meets you so it doesn't make sense to invest a lot of time in getting to know you before that.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:40 PM on July 2, 2015

I've done this before during my time experimenting with online dating. Once a date is set up, assuming it's not like 2-3 weeks away, I'll maybe drop a text or whatever to say I'm looking forward to it (mostly because I have been forgotten/stood up before) a couple days in advance, and again the day of unless it's first thing in the morning (in which case it's the night before) but otherwise I figure I'd rather chat with them in person and save the conversation for then.

But, I'm not a big texter. I'll do it if it's the most convenient method or if I have to communicate sporadically, but I very seldom have actual conversations with anyone via text. Texting someone I introduced myself to online is a way for both of us to act as gatekeepers to our "real" selves, and once we've mutually decided "Okay, you passed phase one" I like to wait to have what I think of as a real conversation.

Just my one data point, from someone who has received the "I was a little worried because you stopped texting" comment a couple times.
posted by Urban Winter at 6:49 PM on July 3, 2015

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