Help me stop snooping.
June 9, 2015 2:40 PM   Subscribe

I need to stop snooping on my boyfriend because it's damaging our relationship. I'm having a really hard time stopping. Please help.

We've been together since January and I love him and want to marry him someday and he feels the same way. We're in our 30s. He is 9 years older than me.

I've had two other serious relationships before him. I recently found out that my first boyfriend, who was 13 years older, cheated on meconstantly the entire two years we were together and I didn't have a clue. Seriously, not one idea. I was completely blindsided. Luckily I found out after we had broken up and after another relationship of mine had ended.

My current guy is my first relationship since finding out about the cheating. He says he has always been faithful to past girlfriends, faithfulness is important to him, and I'm the woman he wants to have children with.

It started about a month ago when I opened his computer and looked at his pictures. I don't know why. I found a naked picture of a girl that was a couple years old. Later that day he asked me to open pictures on his computer for something else, I did and we saw the naked picture together. He was super embarrassed and said that he had forgotten that was there. I do believe him as he lets me use his computer whenever he wants.

But since then I've looked at his text messages once, and his Facebook messages twice, and his email once. I've stalked the woman on the naked photo incessantly online. And the worst part is he has done nothing to indicate he's been unfaithful. I feel like at this point it's a compulsion.

Plus, since I started doing it I feel like I've been manipulating the conversation towards facts I know about his exes. He gets flustered and we get mad at each other. It's not been good. He found out that I looked at his email last night because he caught me trying to lookup his username from fetlife (I found a fetlife email).

He didn't get really mad but he doesn't know I also looked at his text messages and Facebook messages. He says he wants to be really open with me and that he has nothing to hide.

I don't want to blow this. He's wonderful. But this morning when he left, he left his computer on and I checked his Facebook again but didn't go beyond the front page before I shut it off. I feel disgusted by myself and really scared that I'm sabotaging this. Please if anyone has any advice that would be great.
posted by pintapicasso to Human Relations (27 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
You are blowing this. This is not okay behavior. I would suggest telling him everything you've been doing -- show him this question, maybe -- and let him decide what to do with that information, whether it's to walk away or lock down all his stuff with better security until you can get a handle on the anxiety that's driving you to snoop.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:49 PM on June 9, 2015 [20 favorites]


um, is it just me or does it seem your gut may be telling you something you ought to listen to?
posted by jayder at 2:54 PM on June 9, 2015 [11 favorites]


Tell him the truth. You've broken trust and now the only way to resolve this is to be honest for once and all. Tell him that you're violating his privacy and that you are very, very sorry and that you want to stop lying and that the way you are reversing this whole damaging trend is by coming clean about it.

You can tell him as background but not as justification that you have been cheated on in the past. It doesn't excuse your behavior. I was cheated on in the past and I still respect the privacy of my partner, so it's not a given that the one follows the other. But it would at least give him perspective on your issues.

Once you have a secret, the secrets multiply. You think that you can't tell him that you are reading his texts and email, but if you don't tell him, over time, the secret will end your relationship. You are of course taking a risk by telling him, but if you don't tell him, it will fester, even if you never read another text.
posted by janey47 at 2:54 PM on June 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


If he's on FetLife, do you know what particular facet of sexuality he's on FetLife for, and are you into it too? If he has a particular kink that you don't share, that could end up being very difficult for you both, and you will have to talk a lot to try and navigate the implications.
posted by foxfirefey at 3:04 PM on June 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Best answer: um, is it just me or does it seem your gut may be telling you something you ought to listen to?
posted by jayder at 2:54 PM on June 9 [+] [!]


I do advocate listening to your gut in situations where something seems off, even if you can't put your finger on what it is. But nothing you have described seems to indicate red flags in your boyfriend's behavior. You had your trust shattered after finding out about the infidelity in your prior relationship, and I don't blame you for having insecurity now. A healthier way to deal with those anxieties and the betrayal would be with the help of a therapist, though. I'd advise confessing and deeply apologizing to your boyfriend, asking forgiveness, and seeking therapy.

Best of luck and I'm really sorry you were hurt by your other relationship. Take proactive steps to ensure it doesn't continue to hurt you by sabotaging your current/future happiness.
posted by JenMarie at 3:06 PM on June 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


Best answer: > He says he has always been faithful to past girlfriends, faithfulness is important to him, and I'm the woman he wants to have children with.

I heard this exact thing from my partner who went on to cheat on me multiple times and, even after being found out, claimed my attitude pushed him into it because I was going through a depressed period. He maintains to this day that it really wasn't cheating, just him being 'adrift'. His perception of reality is clearly at odds with reality, and forgive me if I'm projecting here, but I've learnt my lesson, and to you I say "Trust, but verify".

You're going to need some time to get over the ex's cheating. Meanwhile, share with your new boyfriend the shock and grief that you experienced on learning about it, and tell him how hard it is now for you to trust anyone. If he loves you he'll sympathize and try to help you. Talk to him about all the things you want to know about him, past girlfriends, sexual fetishes, fantasies. Tell him all about yours. If your relationship is healthy this will bring you closer together. There is no reason why he should or should not lock up his email, Facebook, even his FetLife account. Two people on the same journey together should have no secrets and they should not need to snoop either.

When you gain more confidence in this relationship you will eventually find it boring to keep searching through his history, and you'll shift focus on the present and the life you've got together.
posted by Dragonness at 3:25 PM on June 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Best answer: You don't trust him. I can't tell if that is because of your ex or because you have well grounded suspicion. I think you are going to need to level with him that you can't convince yourself to trust him, and see if he'd be open to giving you a good hard look at his stuff or not. Or, you are going to need to STOP DOING THIS. Make a choice. Sneaky snooping is going to end this relationship for sure. Because he will figure it out and then HE won't trust YOU ever. Lack of trust, when founded, is fatal to relationships.
posted by bearwife at 3:35 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I think that this is about you and your past experience of being cheated on and not your gut telling you something about this new guy. What you're doing is extremely inappropriate and corrosive to a relationship. You're being the problem, not him. Ask him to change all his account passwords, lock his computer with a password and lock his phone with a passcode. Make it impossible for yourself to snoop as you knowing it's wrong and a violation is apparently not enough to stop you from snooping. Block the woman you're cyberstalking from your Facebook and other accounts. That will at least create an extra step you can use to prevent yourself from prying into her life. I think that this is your best chance of stopping the behavior.

You're obviously still reeling from the damage that your past relationship did, but getting this snooping under control has to be a priority. It's going to eventually ruin the chance you have with this person. If you find that you're unable to trust him, or anyone for that matter, then you're not ready to be in a relationship yet. He obviously trusts you quite a bit as you've had unrestrained access to his electronic life, and you are not affording him the same trust. Both sides of this situation are bad: you being wounded by being treated so terribly by an ex and your boyfriend being treated with suspicion and having his privacy continually violated. It's hard, but break this habit however you can. Good luck.
posted by quince at 3:36 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Talk to him! Have a glass of wine an be brutally honest as scary as it sounds. Come clean and tell him how you feel (YOU, not accusatory). If he's awesome then you will talk through it - it's not the snooping - it's the lack of trust based on your past. Tell him that you want yo stop and have a healthy and trusting relationship and hash out what YOU need to do that and what HE needs to be on the same page. You got this.
posted by floweredfish at 3:43 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I want to second the idea that you should absolutely talk to a therapist about this and unpacking how your brain is dealing with discovering that a lot of what you thought was true in your last relationship was a lie. This is definitely your issue in a lot of ways.

However, that being said, you've been together less than 6 months, and you are talking about having children together. This is the same boyfriend who you wanted to spend less time together with in a question last week. Is it possible that you are subconsciously trying to sabotage this relationship because it's moving at a speed or is somehow feeling like a relationship you aren't totally comfortable with?
posted by Nimmie Amee at 3:44 PM on June 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


Best answer: Go to therapy. Maybe you hooked up with the cheater because you have intimacy issues, and maybe that's why you're doing this snooping now. Of course you know it's bad behavior. Don't beat yourself up anymore. Try to fix it. Promise yourself you'll stop snooping for the next couple of days and make an appointment ASAP.
posted by Elizabeth907 at 3:45 PM on June 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


As clarification, there is a distinction between privacy and secrecy. Every person deserves privacy, whether or not they are in a relationship. Secrecy damages. His private writings are not a problem. Your violation of his privacy is, and as long as it is a secret, it will continue to be a problem.
posted by janey47 at 3:48 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


So I told mrs. straw on the night that we met that I did not intend to have a sexually monogamous relationship with her. 16 years later I'm still monogamous, but I'd offer this up as an exercise:

Have you thought about deconstructing why "infidelity" bothers you? Is it risk of disease? Are you using physical intimacy as some sort of proxy for other emotional aspects? Social pressures? Where's the boundary: is masturbation cheating? Masturbating with someone else in the room? Hugging someone else? Fantasizing about them while masturbating? Flirting, but not doing anything?

If he's embarrassed about the picture of the naked woman on his computer, are you? If that's part of who he is, is that a deal breaker?

Because it sounds to me like sex is a proxy for something else here, and that you're conflating sexual fidelity with that something else is getting in the way of having a really worthwhile conversation with him. And when I have big nebulous boundaries with someone that I haven't explored, I have trouble hearing people and I have trouble opening up to people. And vice-versa.
posted by straw at 3:49 PM on June 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Best answer: You said you weren't reassured when he committed to monogamy with you, and I can see how that would be given your past experience. You had your trust in a partner badly broken. You're breaking your partner's trust now and it's awesome that you recognize that what you're doing needs to stop.

I agree that some kind of conversation about your past and how touchy you are about this subject and your resulting temptation to spy on his private life is a good idea. I would ask for more reassurance then - really think about the details of what upsets you so much about the thought of your partner cheating and try to get those fears addressed. This kind of conversation where I lay out my deep fears and insecurities usually makes me feel really vulnerable, but ends up making my relationship stronger.

And if you can't believe his assurances about not cheating yet, maybe you could promise to talk to each other and take action to protect your relationship if either of you ever felt tempted to cheat. Perhaps you could find that comforting enough to help quell the snooping impulses?
posted by congen at 3:52 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Wait. I'm confused.

I'm a reformed snooper and happy to explain how/when/why I stopped, but is this a typo?

"I found a naked picture of a girl that was a couple years old."

You later refer to cyberstalking a woman, so I'm hoping you meant "a couple years older," but it would help if you could clarify.

I'm not suggesting the snooping is okay, even in an "end justifies the means" kind of way. Still, it'd be better to clear that up if it was not a girl that was a couple years old.
posted by whoiam at 4:01 PM on June 9, 2015


Dude, it is JUNE. You've been together since January and already you're talking about how you want to have each others' babies? I don't think you know each other well enough to say for sure that your suspicions are irrational. It's not even that far into June - it's June 9 ferchrissakes, maybe your gut knows something your head doesn't.

(Also - I think "a couple years old" means that the picture was taken a couple years ago)
posted by selfmedicating at 4:03 PM on June 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


I think the photo was a couple years old, whoiam.
posted by that girl at 4:03 PM on June 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


Response by poster: God yes, the woman in the picture was not a child.
posted by pintapicasso at 4:07 PM on June 9, 2015


I'm agnostic! There is no proof here you should listen to your gut or not. I married my guy after knowing him for 2 months, so I'm not gonna point fingers.

I originally thought you should share with your bf this trauma and see if you can work through this, but then I got a bad feeling about that. Well, him.

Erm, if you are asking all sorts of questions about this guy and you have this stuff interfering with your enjoyment of this relationship, then what about just not moving in right away and taking things much much slower?

You've done this horrible thing to stop yourself. You are going too fast for your comfort. You're not comfortable! It's OK to honor this and take some extra time before moving in together.

If you've already moved in, move out.
posted by jbenben at 4:54 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thank you to all answerers, I really appreciate it.
posted by pintapicasso at 5:53 PM on June 9, 2015


Best answer: I recently found out that my first boyfriend, who was 13 years older, cheated on meconstantly the entire two years we were together and I didn't have a clue. Seriously, not one idea. I was completely blindsided.

Hypervigilance is often the result of being totally blindsided by something awful. Someone who's been in a serious car accident, for example, may find themselves feeling anxious, constantly need to check their mirrors, or just not be able to trust themselves to do routine driving-related tasks without a lot of vigilance.

Ideally when we're in relationships we should feel safe. When our safety is violated in some way (through cheating, for example) and we didn't see it coming, it makes us feel less safe in general. We start looking for ways to prevent being blindsided again - to keep ourselves safe. We mull it over in our heads, questions our own actions, wonder why we didn't pay attention to the little things that we see in retrospect..

All of which is to say: I totally get why you're snooping. It makes perfect sense.

The thing about it, though, is that you will never see enough 'good evidence' to talk you out of the searching. Unless you work at it, there will always be a tiny bit of your brain that says, "Oh, you've searched his Facebook/email/texts 40,002 times but you just didn't check at the right time."

I'm not saying it's okay, or that you're excused, but it makes sense. I went through a shitty relationship with someone, we ended it, and sometimes, even all these years later, I will feel this urge to grab my husband's phone and run off to check his incoming texts/emails/web history. He hasn't done anything to make me feel unsafe. I am fully aware that this is about me and has absolutely nothing to do with him or his trustworthiness or commitment to our relationship.

For me, a bunch of things have helped. I started off being really honest with my husband (before he was actually my husband, and ongoing) about what had happened in my previous relationship. I told him about my fears and about what prods those feelings in me and about what I need from him in order to calm the hell down. We've been together long enough, now, that I think he recognizes when I'm feeling insecure and responds to it reassuringly. It was really hard for me to be vulnerable, at first.

I have learned that I have to act immediately when I have a suspicion - that if I (to use your example) saw a photo of a naked person on his computer, I'd need to ask him right away who it was rather than letting my brain fill in the (inevitably awful) blanks to something dire. I can't make assumptions (because I immediately go to the worst possible place in my head). I also will not play games - I've learned (as you noted) that it just leads to shitty arguments that, in turn, make me feel less secure all over again.

And I absolutely, positively, cannot let myself snoop. If he leaves his monitor on, I turn it off immediately. If his phone is by the bed, I avoid even looking in the direction of it.

The funny thing is that he has, over the years, told me his password to every single account that he uses. He is fine with me logging in to them and has told me that I'm welcome to 'snoop' if it'll make me feel better. And.. I have not accessed any of them because I know that if I start down that road, I will be checking his stuff incessantly. It's like a drug. I cannot have just a little snooping.

As time has gone by, I have relaxed. I tell myself, out loud and inside my head, that I am being ridiculous. Or that I have nothing to worry about. And then I distract myself. I send him an email about something else. I leave the room. I read a book. I take a nap. Whatever I need to do to shift things for myself. Sometimes it's more effort than other times. Maybe therapy would be helpful if you need to find ways to manage your thoughts.

(I am assuming your boyfriend has not given you any reason to distrust him.)

Here's the thing: I don't know if your boyfriend is trustworthy. I also don't know, with 100% certainty, that my own husband isn't leading a double life and planning to leave me tomorrow in some awful, devastating way. But I am the best wife/friend/partner I can possibly be. I try to be open and honest. If he chooses to leave me, or cheat on me, it will be his choice - and no amount of hypervigilance will prevent that, ultimately. My happiness in our relationship is much higher when I can relax, trust, and let down my guard. I hope you're able to get to that, too.
posted by VioletU at 6:14 PM on June 9, 2015 [26 favorites]


What does he do with the fetlife account?

I mean, look. Obviously your insecurity is a perfectly understandable result of having been blindsided before. And if that were the only thing going on here, my advice would be to be open with him about it, making sure he understands it's a reaction to a prior experience, not to anything he's done or that you think he's going to do, and ask him for his help and love as you re-learn trust. (Concur entirely with whoever said above that a glass or two of wine would help with this.)

So in general that's my advice, but, it's not like there's nothing odd here. I would very much wonder what my new boyfriend was doing with a fetlife account.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:41 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Just be honest. Tell him you're full of irrational anxiety because of your past traumas. Tell him every time you snoop. Hopefully he can help you find ways to chill out. Maybe just a week or so of snooping, telling him, laughing about it could help you relax once you don't catch anything further. Now this is predicated on him not really being worried about the snooping. If it bothers him massively a different tactic will be needed.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:58 AM on June 10, 2015


don't ask him to open everything up to you. don't say yes if he offers to open everything up. i am a reformed snooper, reading everything went make you feel better. the issue isn't your ex or your boyfriend's exes, it's your anxiety. you need to solve the root cause, through meditation or therapy or whatever works.
posted by nadawi at 7:10 AM on June 10, 2015


It sounds like you are, effectively, punishing current boyfriend for sins that past boyfriends have committed. Enough with this "listen to your gut"; current boyfriend hasn't actually done anything wrong at this point. This is not about him, it's about you.

No way would I sit down and "come clean" about every act of snooping that you've committed. I would make an appointment with a therapist, and come clean to boyfriend about that - "I'm finding out that I'm having trouble trusting you, based on some past experiences, and I'm afraid these intrusive thoughts may start affecting our relationship. So I'm going to have a few sessions with a therapist to see if I can put those past experiences into perspective, and not let them affect the relationship between you and I."

Don't say anything more to him about it until you've actually spent some time with the therapist. This is not your boyfriend's problem to fix, and it would be unfair to drag him into it at all. Come up with a plan with your therapist as to how you will deal with these thoughts when they arise, and stick to the plan.
posted by vignettist at 1:27 PM on June 10, 2015


Response by poster: I talked to my boyfriend. He is a little mad at me but mostly sad that I am so obsessively worried about this, without cause. He thinks that what happened with my ex is probably causing the hypervigilance now. We came up with a plan. When I snoop I have to tell him. I think that the power imbalance brought on by snooping is really alluring and the secrecy makes it that much more addicting. If I take away the secrecy then all the fun is gone.

He offered to give me free reign to look at his email and messages but I said no because I don't actually care what he's doing, I just want to be content that he is not cheating and all the evidence in the world won't convince me if there is no trust.

I also have a history of intrusive thoughts, and while I didn't initially connect the two I can see how they are probably related. The most helpful thing for my intrusive thoughts is changing my environment. I'll see if it works.

I feel a lot better and much more in control now that I have a plan. Thanks again all.
posted by pintapicasso at 4:32 AM on June 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


Best answer: It might be helpful to think of trust not as an on-off switch but as a choice you're making. Any time you get the urge to snoop, maybe try reminding yourself that you are choosing to trust your boyfriend instead. That may give you the feeling of more power over yourself, because it's not about your emotions (trusting him or not) but your thoughts (choosing to extend trust or not), which are easier to control.
posted by jaguar at 10:19 AM on June 11, 2015


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