How do I deal with a supervisor who is an energy vampire?

June 6, 2015 3:31 PM

I am working an additional week at my contract job...but will be supervised by someone with questionable self-awareness and wonky boundaries. Help?

For the past year I've worked an AmeriCorps-funded position. Part of my responsibilities has been to volunteer once a month for the organization that does admin for the office where I work for the rest of the month. While my job at my host site has been a great experience, my main supervisor at the admin org has made my monthly work with them difficult.

This particular boss will commandeer meetings to discuss her issues and perceptions at great length, and will make issues related to the job about her. She addresses us in a singsong voice usually used to address children, the elderly, and baby animals. (My cohort ranges in age from 22 to mid-30s.) Additionally, her sense of humor -- which she clearly sees as "wacky" -- is more appropriate for kindergarten. She has also written emails of eight or nine paragraphs that detail simple functions of the job, and this combined with some of her other habits have made her come off as condescending. When others have tried to politely mention to her how this sounds, she's brushed off the behavior as being a function of her "inner Jewish mother."

I tend to feel introverted around large groups, particularly those involving people I don't know or have just met. Rather than acknowledging this, she has called me out in front of the rest of the group for not participating enough and has loudly asked for my opinion on issues we're discussing, even if I don't feel comfortable discussing those issues in a group of people I barely know. She has also left notes for me in large, legible handwriting on my desk in front of my cohort. Additionally, she has interrupted one-on-one conversations I've had with members of my group to greet me, and has not said a word to the other person with whom I was talking.

I have attempted to set boundaries with her by keeping conversation brief and related to the work at hand, and through nonverbal cues (crossing my arms and not making eye contact, and trying to put a few feet of space between us when we're talking one-on-one). In response, she has stepped into my personal space, and backed me into a corner and put her hand up on the wall while having a seemingly innocuous conversation with me. (We're both heterosexual women, so I don't think this is intended as a sexual gesture.)

Because she's my supervisor, she seems thin-skinned, and she hasn't taken responsibility for her behavior (see the "inner Jewish mother" comment), I have been reticent to say anything to her about the issues I have with her. Today I learned that I'm about 40-50 hours under my requirement to graduate with the financial reward, and she has offered me the opportunity to work for the admin office to make up those hours. (She sent me an email about this, and I told her I would respond early next week.) I would like to get my reward, but I feel uncomfortable working directly with her. I have considered asking if I could make up my hours in another department -- I have worked with other departments in the organization, which has been a positive experience for myself and the other department -- but I'm concerned that she will either ask me why I'm making this request or accuse me of "not liking" her. (At one recent corps meeting, she told me -- within earshot of another member of my cohort -- that I could "rule the world" if I had "a better attitude". The girl who overheard this conversation was upset that she said this, both due to the indiscretion and to the work I've put in on field-wide projects.) Is there a way I can work this out without raising her hackles?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total)

It's only a week, right? And then you never have to work with her again?

If yes to both, plan a big party for yourself at the end of the week, then suck it up, do the work, and focus on the prize.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:43 PM on June 6, 2015 [21 favorites]

I have attempted to set boundaries with her by keeping conversation brief and related to the work at hand, and through nonverbal cues (crossing my arms and not making eye contact, and trying to put a few feet of space between us when we're talking one-on-one)

By the way, this is super passive-aggressive and, as you have seen, will backfire on you and frustrate you even more than you are already. Set boundaries by, you know, overtly setting boundaries. "I can't talk about XYZ because I'm focusing on ABC. I'd be happy to talk about XYZ at DEF time tomorrow."

This is a cultivated skill, not something one just has naturally.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:48 PM on June 6, 2015 [19 favorites]

She's offering you a favor, here, to help you graduate with the reward. There's not a graceful or inoffensive way for you to ask if you can say yes to the favor, but only on your terms.

My advice is to suck it up and put up with it for a week. She sounds annoying, but you sound very thin skinned. This is unlikely to be the last time that you have to work with someone who makes you uncomfortable, and is arguably something that you should try to get used to.
posted by MeghanC at 3:54 PM on June 6, 2015 [16 favorites]

So you don't like this particular boss. Most people don't like their bosses. She doesn't even sound that bad, as bosses go, she just kind of grates on you. In the working world for "makes me uncomfortable" to be actionable they had to have actually done something to you, and "is condescending", while very very annoying, doesn't actually rise to that level.

but I'm concerned that she will either ask me why I'm making this request or accuse me of "not liking" her.

I'm not sure why this is in scare quotes, you clearly "don't like" her and if she did accuse you of this she wouldn't be wrong.
posted by bleep at 4:01 PM on June 6, 2015 [8 favorites]

Is it possible she has decided that her job is to "bring you out of your shell" or something? If so, the non-verbal cues you're giving may be backfiring by making you seem "shy" rather than uninterested. Setting boundaries non-verbally is not in any way passive-aggressive. I just think she's not self-aware enough to be interpreting them correctly. So maybe see what happens if you change it up.

Can you go into the week as an experiment, in seeing how her behavior changes if you change yours first? Like, what would happen if you came in on Monday being extra super-friendly to her, giving her a big hello before she even sees you, etc? If that doesn't help, maybe try something different Tuesday, etc.

It's also ok to decide that the hassle is not worth the extra money.
posted by jaguar at 4:03 PM on June 6, 2015 [6 favorites]

It sounds to me like she is somewhat thick skinned and not necessarily mean as such, just terminally insensitive -she sounds like she got about three chapters into some Management for Dummies -type book but then decided she'd got the gist. Asking you to contribute in meetings is a highly clumsy way of trying to include you, or at least give you the space to get involved, but in the Wrong Way Entirely. Have you pointed out to her that she's making you uncomfortable?

Like Cool Papa Bell says, it's about a week or so hours-wise - you can get past that, I'm sure. Treat it like a crash course in upward management, which is one of the most important worklife skills. You can effectively practice on this person the sorts of boundary-setting and communication techniques you might need elsewhere, safe in the knowledge that you're not going to have to see her again - I don't mean be unpleasant or snarky, just try being polite but firm once or twice and see how it feels.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 4:04 PM on June 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

People who are boundary crossers like this generally have thin skins. It's how they put people off setting boundaries. If people are explicit with them about how much personal space they need, the boundary crosser has less of an excuse to cross said boundaries. When you attempted to increase the amount of personal space available to you, she escalated her behaviour into backing you into a corner and adding a physical block to you leaving. This is called an extinction burst. Keep an eye out for it.

Be clear with her about how much personal space you need. If she reacts with an apology, it's likely that she's just unaware but will pay much more attention in the future. If she starts having a pout or a strop, you'll know that she's a predator. If that's the case, you'll need to be more explicit about your boundaries and decide what you're going to do if they're crossed. Phrases like "Please step back a step" and "I'm afraid that won't be possible" and "I will get to X task when I have time" are your new friends.

Have you spoken to the other people affected by her behaviour? If, the next time she starts making inappropriate jokes, nobody laughs and everyone just sits there stony faced instead, she'll have less of a reason to continue doing it. If she's asking inappropriate questions in meetings, say that you don't think that it's the best time to discuss [thing], then redirect back to the topic at hand.

Is there a way I can work this out without raising her hackles?

Quite possibly not. But this is going to be valuable experience in dealing with people you don't get along with in the workplace. She is not the only person who you'll meet in your working life who you won't get on with.
posted by Solomon at 4:06 PM on June 6, 2015 [6 favorites]

I would like to get my reward, but I feel uncomfortable working directly with her.

It's a week. You'll come out fine.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:33 PM on June 6, 2015 [5 favorites]

Can you legitimately ask to complete your hours in another department? Have others done this? If it's not outside the realm of normal operations, ask for it but have a thorough, legit explanation why it is beneficial to you and/or the organization.

"Bob's department has a big project they are trying to finish up by X date and Mary is out on maternity leave so they are a little shorthanded. I liked working in their department and believe I could contribute X skills and help them out."

If you just say "can I complete my hours in Bob's department?" with no explanation, it sounds like it would be reasonable for her to ask why - especially when it sounds like she's trying to help you out by offering you a week of work in her department.

It sounds like she can be annoying but she also doesn't sound like the worst boss ever. And I'm sorry about the introvert thing but it's not really your employer's responsibility to let you off the hook for participation. And I say this as one introvert to another. She just sounds like one of those extroverts who think we just need a little prodding to come out of our shells - ugh.

And you aren't going to have to work in this office after completing your time? Then, yeah, it doesn't sound like this is the hill to die on. You aren't going to change her behavior so just keep your head down, try to participate a little more and think of your next step when you graduate from this program.

Good luck!
posted by Beti at 5:09 PM on June 6, 2015

I want to be honest: I think your judgment is off here. Nothing you describe sounds egregious to me, or even unprofessional. To me this sounds mostly like a taste issue: you don't like her style.

Honestly she is doing you a favour by letting you make up your needed hours. I'd say just suck it up and do the week and thank her. And if you can't do that, then maybe just decline.
posted by Susan PG at 5:11 PM on June 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

Not talking in meetings and then being called for a contribution to the proceedings is not an unusual thing for a boss to ask. Sure, it was done hamhandedly.
Sounds like the way this person has taken on the boss persona is to play the 'inner Jewish mother' and pre-primary teacher speaking style. Maybe it's a developmental problem, maybe it's a problematic way of inhabiting the boss role as a woman, or whatever. But maybe she is infantilisingly addressing her perception of you as apparently unconfident and shy. And perhaps the way she expressed the 'if only she had a better attitude' is about that perception not your performance, which she sees as great 'rule the world'. Again, hamhandedly presented.

And again, she is doing mother hen/kindy teacher in offering to help you with your hours. Can you reconfigure her behaviour so that you can mentally cope with the opposite ways you're both seeing each other? It's a week, see it as a psychological testing ground in adjusting perceptions.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:41 PM on June 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

I would hate this. And for anything more than a week, I would bail. But for a week, I might bite my tongue and do it. Maybe.

She's reading your non-verbal cues as disinterest or willfully ignoring her, and she's determined to force you to interact. To survive the week, fake it. Don't cross your arms. Look her in the "eye" (forehead or nose will work too). Be prepared to say one or two sentences in meetings because you already know that if you don't participate without prompting, she's going to force you to say something anyway.

I hate personal space invaders, and this would be the worst part for me. If backing up a step doesn't work, that means you are either going to have to say something or stand your ground. But hopefully if you pretend to be engaged in the conversation she won't feel the need to push into your space to get your attention.
posted by rakaidan at 6:05 PM on June 6, 2015

You know, she's being really helpful in making you this offer, even though she has criticisms about your attitude and even though she accurately perceives that you don't like her. That's pretty big of her, really.

It's only a week, FFS. Tough it out. She's got a right to be annoying. People generally are.

The biggest factor in whether you succeed in the workplace is whether or not you upset your boss, so don't risk upsetting her. Improve your verbal boundary-setting skills, as suggested above, and resolve to practise the art of patience.
posted by tel3path at 4:35 AM on June 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Honestly, it sounds to me like you do have somewhat of a bad attitude, at least towards her. People are quirky and annoying. You're going to run into them where ever you go. This quirky and annoying person is trying to do you what seems like a huge favor, and all you have to do is put up with quirky and annoying for a week? Frankly, if you can't put up (and work) with someone quirky and annoying for a a week who's trying to help you out, you're going to have a bad time for the next 50 to 60 years of professional life. Part of being a professional is gracefully dealing with people who aren't, and it sounds like she's very much one of those people.

PS> It sounds to me like she actually thinks a whole lot of the work you've been doing, but is well aware of your negative attitude towards her. Maybe this is a good week to prove her right about the work and wrong about the attitude.
posted by jferg at 5:29 AM on June 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

Is it possible she has decided that her job is to "bring you out of your shell" or something? If so, the non-verbal cues you're giving may be backfiring by making you seem "shy" rather than uninterested.

This rings true to me, as someone who once had a boss that sounds extremely similar to your description. She is trying to encourage you, and (wrongly) thinks that calling you out, and asking your opinion in front of everyone, and even greeting you specifically will make you feel like you can open up. She doesn't know that it's making everything worse, though, so now y'all are trapped in an arms race of encouragement vs. withdrawal. My advice is to be exaggeratedly friendly to her (lots of smiles and fake sugar-sweet responses: pretend you're acting in a role, and see how over the top you can make it), and I bet she'll back off. Also, realize that it's likely that everyone knows she's crazy, so don't worry that your cohort will mistake your acting as authentic.
posted by unknowncommand at 8:18 AM on June 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.

I should probably give more context to the calling me out individually in meetings issue. The agency where I volunteer works with low-income urban youth, and one of the meetings took place within days of the Ferguson decision. Our team has a small majority of Black and Latin@ employees, and when the subject of Michael Brown came up, they had a lot to say. As a White woman I made a conscious decision to cede the floor to my colleagues, but in the middle of the discussion the boss stepped in, called on me by name, and said "what do you have to say about this?" I was uncomfortable about being called out and about the subject matter, and I mumbled something about it being a tragedy and that I was interested in what one of my coworkers had been saying. She has also called me out in front of the group for small issues ( at one point I had a run in my stocking and she mentioned this and offered me some clear nail varnish...which would have been a nice gesture if she had taken me aside instead of announcing it in front of four other coworkers and a guest speaker).

I would be more amenable to working with her if she was just ~wacky, but the fact that she's a Space Invader (as someone up thread put it), has made some gestures that have creeped me out, and has called me out in front of coworkers has made me feel like I would spend most of the week defending my boundaries and trying to keep the attention on my work instead of my personality. I just want to do the work and avoid all the bullshit.

posted by cortex (staff) at 12:13 PM on June 7, 2015

I just want to do the work and avoid all the bullshit.

So turn up every day and do the work and don't engage otherwise. Model yourself on a duck. You know how water doesn't penetrate a duck's feathers. She's water, you let her run right off your back...and on Friday evening/the weekend you give yourself a treat. Decide what treat ahead of time so you have something you can think about when she is trying to get into your feathers.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:41 PM on June 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

I just want to do the work and avoid all the bullshit.

The prevailing tactical advice is "just do the work and ignore the bullshit for five days."

You're going to look back on this and laugh at how much you were over-thinking it.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:57 PM on June 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

What you see as "energy vampire" I see as "extrovert."

Right now I'm in a management training program where we are urged to ask meeting attendees by name to participate in conversations if they are not participating. Some people on your team are introverts? Oh wellsies, they'll have to recharge after work. So as long as you plan on ever working in an office environment, this is never going to go away. Nor is working for people who get in your space. Or for people who are loud or who leave notes on your desk.

You think her getting into your space is wrong. She probably feels the same way about an employee who crosses her arms and looks away when being spoken to.

I'd say accept the extra hours that are an offer of kindness. (I mean, she could've just let you hang out to dry, right?) Along the way, learn to participate in meetings even if you feel anxious doing so and also how to deal with working with extroverts.
posted by kimberussell at 4:41 PM on June 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

After reading the followup: Please re-read my previous comment, substituting "quirky, tactless, and annoying" for "quirky and annoying". :-)
posted by jferg at 4:44 PM on June 7, 2015