Should I live alone or seek housemates? 27M INTJ.

May 2, 2015 10:10 PM

27-year-old male, INTJ, single, straight, with a 2yo labrador, living and working in San Francisco. I have lived with various housemates since college, who provided me with activities to do and friends to hang out with. In August, our lease ends, and the others are moving away. Should I seek housemates, or live alone?

I've never had a serious relationship, having never really sought one, feeling mostly occupied and satisfied with work, projects, ideas, and existing friends.

If I live alone, loneliness might spur interest in meetups and dates. Downside: higher rent, loneliness.

If I live with housemates, I might find friends who help me expand my social circle, or I might find people I never interact with or dislike. Downside: Logistics, given the dog; circumstantial friendship.

Should I seek housemates?

posted by mcav to Human Relations (9 answers total)

Would there be anything stopping you from adding new housemates to the lease later on if you don't replace them right away? (How does your landlord feel about adding people to the lease? Are you allowed to sublet/to be the master tenant and rent rooms out to people?) That way you could try living alone for a bit and if you don't like it, you can get a new housemate. It's not like you'll have any trouble finding someone to fill a bedroom in San Francisco.
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:01 PM on May 2, 2015

I think you should have one housemate. It will mean that there are times that you are alone in the house and you will be encouraged to continue doing your own thing, but there would also be the potential to do something with your housemate now and again.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:22 AM on May 3, 2015

Look for housemates, but if you don't click with anyone, live alone. When your next lease is up after a year you can re-assess.
posted by metasarah at 4:30 AM on May 3, 2015

Living alone is more expensive and less fun. Get roommates. Also, work on instigating/controlling your own social activities.
posted by sninctown at 6:43 AM on May 3, 2015

My rule of thumb: when you list the pros and cons and what-ifs and wherefores, the thing you say last is how you really feel.

The last thing you say is a downside to getting housemates. That means you think you want them, because you've always had them, but you also think you're ready to move on from that phase of your life. (you would have added a "But..." coda if you really wanted to get more housemates)

You have your own permission to live alone. Find a meetup group, offer to go out with your existing friends more often... there are plenty of ways to have a social life that don't carry the risk of a bad housemate (and just troll AskMe if you've gotten lucky so far -- there are plenty of bad housemates out there).
posted by Etrigan at 7:30 AM on May 3, 2015

My next door neighbor has had 4 roommate's in the 2 years that he has been there. Two moved on to live with their boyfriends and one was just looking for temporary housing while she did an internship. He seems to be very good at selecting people but maybe renting rooms to temporary roommates would give you the best of both worlds. You may have to provide some furnishings but Ikea or Craig's list should make that pretty easy. The Labradoodle can be billed as an asset for transients missing that doggy energy, like those B & B's that will give you a cat to sleep with.
posted by BoscosMom at 9:42 AM on May 3, 2015

I am also a straight INTJ dude with a dog in the bay area who had always had roommates up until about 27ish when I got my own place. I would say I'm really social but I need time to myself to recharge and work on projects.

It is the best thing ever. I get to keep my own schedule and my space is my own. I like that I can always choose to go out/have people over or to have alone time. It lets me manage what works best for me and whatever I'm doing that week. I have the energy and space to do more things I want to do.

The downside is taking care of the dog becomes a lot harder, no roommates to let them out if you're working late or want to go out of town last minute. I rely on dogwalkers quite a bit in order to meet other obligations and have a social life on top of work.

I've never felt particularly lonely. Actually what I realized after living alone is that I prefer to proactively plan social stuff rather than having my roommates be the default by proximity. Quality over quantity maybe. It does take a more conscious effort to maintain friendships and meet new people but I've never felt like this was a huge deal. I go on internet dates, read books in coffeeshops instead of at home, invite friends over for dinner or board games, am a member of a cycling group and a homebrew club I sporadically attend, never buy just 1 ticket to anything, etc.
posted by bradbane at 6:07 PM on May 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

If you've never lived alone, I say try it if it's financially feasible. There's a good chance you'll spend the vast majority of your life sharing space with someone, and if you enjoy solitude and control of your environment even a little bit, it can be at times an incredible and enjoyable luxury.

I particularly enjoyed singing in the shower.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:54 PM on May 3, 2015

Also an INTJ. When I started living alone, my social life took off because not dealing with housemates freed up social energy for friendships and activities. It's awesome, give it a try.
posted by momus_window at 8:39 AM on May 4, 2015