How do you know if it's worth pursuing?
August 2, 2010 1:21 PM   Subscribe

I am now in a living situation where I live with a bunch of friends. I was always close friends with one of the girls (for about a year) and one night we cuddled. It led to some more cuddling for a few nights but it bothered me. Not because I didn't like it but because I'm the type that wants things to be clear. I've always been in the mindset that if I like a girl, I will pursue her and make it clear to her. Leaving things unclear can lead to messy relationships/breakups/fights and hurt feelings in the end.

Thing is, I'm having a hard time being objective about this whole situation. Do I genuinely have feelings for her or is it because we're living together? We became close while we were far apart and we get along well. But not once did I notice feelings for her. I'm pretty sure she felt the same way, no feelings for me until recently.

I want to pursue and try it out but I'm concerned that if I try to pursue this and it goes badly, it will make things awkward/difficult for our other roommates and potentially ruin the friendship. Basically speaking, is it worth the risk? We have to live with each other until the lease is up. Should I just avoid this altogether and stay friends? Part of me feels like getting into a relationship with her while she's in a new city will prevent her from exploring on her own and she'll end up depending on me too much.

Another part of me thinks it can work but if it doesn't, the consequences will really suck. I know it's difficult to answer this question without having a full understanding of the entire situation. So i'm asking for personal experiences, failures and successes.
posted by Wanderer7 to Human Relations (22 answers total)
 
Let me share with you a friend of mine's experience back in college when he went out with a roommate in their apartment.

For the first three months:

"Dude, this is the best thing ever! We have sex all the time and just hang out and watch movies! I'm in heaven!"

The last five months of the sublet:

"I am in a living hell. I wait until she's done breakfast and goes to school before I leave my room. My roommates have sided with her in the breakup. Can I stay with you for the weekend and crash on the sofa?"

YMMV.
posted by fantasticninety at 1:28 PM on August 2, 2010 [5 favorites]


I live by this motto I made up... "Desperation leads to bad decisions."
posted by banished at 1:29 PM on August 2, 2010 [3 favorites]


You know, it's okay to have an affectionate friendship without sex/romance.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:30 PM on August 2, 2010 [9 favorites]


Most of my friend group is gay/bi, and so far, of girls A, B & C, girls A has made out with girl B (her roommate) and cuddled with/spent the night with/made out with girl C, and nothing really came of either. A & B freaked out a bit because they are best friends and roommates but after a few days they both seemed over it. My point: it caused no drama but it also didn't go any further. There were no dates, just cuddles and drunken makeouts. I'd advise against dating someone you live with just because you won't have any space to be an individual and lead a separate life, which is important at the start of a relationship.
posted by SputnikSweetheart at 1:31 PM on August 2, 2010


Being one of the other roommates sucks, too. I specifically *didn't* want to live with a couple, told my former roommate not to fuck the new roommate and made him promise - made it perfectly clear it wouldn't be OK, that this wasn't the position I wanted to live in and didn't want it created.

What'd they do? Got together. Total hell for me. Sucked.
posted by alex_skazat at 1:32 PM on August 2, 2010 [3 favorites]


You can't know what will happen unless you try it. I'd probably try it because of that. But I'm into social risks and have more than once been referred to as "The Empress of Bad Ideas."
posted by millipede at 1:35 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Maybe I'm a romantic, but every time I've been in love (which does not count times I've been in "like" or in "settling" or in "convenient for now" or "horny and good enough for now" or "drunk and...; you get the idea) I've known it. There hasn't been any question. It wouldn't matter if it was complicated. Damn the consequences. That is what I wanted. And I went for it.

I'm not saying my way is the only right way or even the best way.

But if you don't have a spark, why are you trying to start a fire?
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:35 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


We have to live with each other until the lease is up.

Is that a year from now? A few months? The answer is important.
posted by ripley_ at 1:36 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


I can't remember a time that a romantic relationship between roommates turned out well in a multi-roommate situation turned out well. Can you wait to date this woman until the lease is up and someone moves out, then see how it goes?
posted by bearwife at 1:36 PM on August 2, 2010


a bunch of friends

Whose friends? Yours, hers, both yours and hers? Because if you guys do get together, and then split up, you will be the biggest drama in the house all year, and who wants that? Avoid.
posted by mdonley at 1:37 PM on August 2, 2010


Roommates are easy to find. Girlfriends are not. Go for it, you'll know soon enough.

(This follows my 80/10/10 rule, 80% of the time it'll amount to nothing and no drama, 10% of the time they'll be completely crazy, 10% of the time you'll end up crushing on each other).
posted by geoff. at 1:41 PM on August 2, 2010 [2 favorites]


Part of me feels like getting into a relationship with her while she's in a new city will prevent her from exploring on her own and she'll end up depending on me too much.

If you would even consider basing your decision on that factor, that means you're not that into her, and this isn't worth potential drama.

We have to live with each other until the lease is up.

As mdonley said, we don't know what this means. When is the lease up? For instance, if it's up on September 1, 2010, that would be a completely different question than if it's up on August 1, 2011. The facts matter.
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:41 PM on August 2, 2010


Another, more crass motto is "Don't shit where you sleep."
posted by XMLicious at 1:47 PM on August 2, 2010


I say go for it. If it doesn't work out, you'll have learned a valuable lesson. If it does work out, you'll be glad you took the chance. Win-win either way.
posted by TLCplz at 2:12 PM on August 2, 2010


I heard it as "Don't fuck where you shit" but it is the same thing.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 2:13 PM on August 2, 2010 [2 favorites]


Don't push it. Do you enjoy the cuddling? Keep cuddling. If it leads to something, it leads to something. If not, you're cuddly friends. Trying to force something out of her will either lead to friends-without-cuddles or more-than-friends, which, as you state, could end badly.

Not to be sexist, but I've found that girls are okay with cuddling with friends whether romance is on their mind or not. Men tend to be more, Whoa, what's going on here?! Let's have sexytime-- she clearly wants to! Once I trained myself out of that mindset, I was less confused my friendships with the fairer sex and was able to relax much more.

Or go for it. Who the hell knows.
posted by supercres at 2:16 PM on August 2, 2010


It's a hell of a lot easier to move than to find love.

We have to live with each other until the lease is up.


No you don't. It's a rental agreement, it's not a sacred bond, there are other ways to satisfy its conditions if you have to move.

Everyone who establishes a common household with their significant other risks the prospect of a breakup forcing them to move. Everyone who tries for love with a friend risks damaging the friendship (though a sincere friendship between mature, good-intentioned adults can survive a breakup, but real life is not always so simple). Nobody in a context like this can tell you whether pursuing a relationship is "worth it." All you will get is anecdotes that don't really tell you in your particular situation anything.

Start out by asking her if she is really interested in anything more. If she's not you sound like you will probably need to dial back the intimacy for your own mental well-being and if you do that without saying anything to her about it it's going to cause problems anyway. If she is good luck trying to keep it platonic. You might as well figure out where you stand, it's not going to go away on its own.
posted by nanojath at 2:19 PM on August 2, 2010


Just as an aside: it might suck for your roommates even if you don't break up. Living with a couple that just got together and is in the throes of "you're awesome!," "no you're awesome!" "Let's have sex on the living room couch!" is not really fun for everyone else. Not that that really needs to be a deciding factor if you like each other enough (they'll either suck it up or kick you out), but just something to be aware of.

Really, this sounds like it's out of convenience, which is fine, but maybe not worth the potential drama. OTOH, it sounds like this could be a good learning experience for you in dealing with uncertainty in relationships. You say you like to be the pursuer so you can know where things are going, but it's good to learn that things aren't always that clear in relationships and sometimes that's ok. Probably better to learn that with someone who isn't your roommate though.

Some anecdata: I've had two friends that I know of hook up with roommates (I'm sure there are more I don't know about). One ended up in a serious relationship, they moved out into their own place and were together for about a year. The other was a purely no-strings thing with two people who were in non-monogamous people in other cities (who, incidentally, were also hooking up with each other. Kids these days). Their other roommate was me. And yes, I'm still pissed about the living room sofa. There were two bedrooms literally feet away! Anyway... That ended with lots of drama although everyone's friends 7 years later.
posted by lunasol at 2:52 PM on August 2, 2010


Okay, think of it this way, especially in light of all the romantics saying, "OMG BUT WHAT IF SHE'S THE ONE?!"

If she's The One (which I think is BS), she'll still be the one when you're no longer on the same lease. If she's not The One, she still won't be the one after you move out. Either way, until then, you have a cuddle buddy, as hal put it, and she might not want anything more than that.

Don't rock the boat, especially when you're living together.
posted by supercres at 2:53 PM on August 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


Uh, "who were in non-monogamous people in other cities " should read "who were in non-monogamous relationships with people in other cities." heh
posted by lunasol at 2:54 PM on August 2, 2010


I had a spare room in my share house; a guy friend from work needed somewhere to live. I thought he was a great guy but, as a I said to another friend at the time, felt negative sexual attraction for him so figured he would be the perfect tension-free housemate.

Then we accidently had sex when we were giving each other drunken massages. Oops! But we sat down and talked about it and agreed we liked each other too much to let one stupid night ruin the friendship. Except then we slept together again. And again and again and again. I didn't want to be his girlfriend & he wasn't interested in me either so we agreed to keep having sex with no strings and to not tell any of our housemates or mutual friends. We maintained this for a whole two years, even moving to Japan together as friends.

Eight years later, he is still my best friend except now he's my boyfriend too. I never, ever would have predicted it and I can't even say when the relationship changed. It just did. And I'm not the only one of my friends in a long tern relationship with a former flatmate.

PS. After about 18 months, we agreed that it was ok if our friends found out we were sleeping together and nervously told them one at a time. They all laughed hysterically at our "big secret" and admitted they'd all assumed it was the case for well over year.
posted by Wantok at 7:12 PM on August 2, 2010


I wouldn't make a move until you're sure that you have feelings for her. It doesn't sound like you cuddled with her because you had secret feelings for her -- more that you cuddled with her, and because cuddling can be romantic, you're now wondering whether either of you has romantic feelings.

I agree with those who have said that cuddling isn't necessarily romantic, and I think this is truer the younger you are. I don't get physically affectionate with male friends anymore (mainly because it tends to lead to confusion like this!), but in college I had male friends whom I'd snuggle up with while watching movies, etc. She may just be like that. Regardless of how she feels, though, what's important -- and what you're still unsure of -- is how you feel.

Full disclosure, I'm now in a serious relationship with someone who started out as a roommate and good friend. We're still living together, still happy after starting a relationship 9 months ago. But we didn't rush into it, and by the time we decided to go for it we were certain of our feelings for each other. (We also didn't have any other roommates. Since you do, I think you have to consider potential effects on them.) So I wouldn't advise against taking the risk on principle. Just be sure it's a risk you truly want to take. Give yourself some time to sort out your feelings, romantic or otherwise.
posted by spinto at 12:07 PM on August 3, 2010


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