How can you tell if a girl likes you?

October 25, 2007 8:54 PM

How can you tell if a girl likes you?

Yeah, yeah, stupid question. Yeah, yeah, there are a bajillion answers online. Most of them consist of "if she asks you out to dinner or initiates physical contact, she probably likes you"

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

I grew up with many sisters, yet I remain seemingly clueless when it comes to females. Really.

Example: One girl in a small group thingy I'm in I catch staring at me during meetings. When I catch her eye she looks away immediately. A minute later I look back and she's looking at me again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Yes, I come accross as lame emotional fourteen-year-old. This is starting to irk me to the point that I'm willing to waste a question on it. Apologies for rambling.

posted by Autarky to human relations (37 comments total)

You can't tell.

That staring girl could think you're hot looking or funny looking. There is no way for you to know. Usually when I'm staring at a guy I'm thinking he's funny looking. But sometimes, maybe I think the guy is hot looking. Know what else? Sometimes I think the same guy who was funny looking yesterday is hot looking today. I know! Girls! So confusing, right?

If you think she likes you, ask her out. If she says no, she probably doesn't like you.
posted by crinklebat at 8:57 PM on October 25, 2007 [4 favorites]

Well, there has to be a reason why she is staring at you. Why don't you ask her out? Sure, things will be awkward at your meetings if she says no, but if that is all you have to lose, go for it.
posted by Ctrl_Alt_ep at 8:58 PM on October 25, 2007

How old are you? I'd answer the question differently for a 20 year old than I would for a 35 year old.
posted by 23skidoo at 8:59 PM on October 25, 2007

I'd say she likes you. But it could definitely be something else. If you like her, ask her out. Then you know for sure. It sorta sucks asking, I've just recently started doing it myself. Big time saver though.
posted by heavenstobetsy at 9:01 PM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

The problem is that so many people are so uptight about showing their own interest and they wait for someone else to bust a move. The other person is equally nonchalant so no move gets busted, ever. Two people sit on their hands and wonder. Take a chance...maybe you fall flat on your face and feel foolish but it is better to take the risk and know for sure than be a chicken and always wonder.
posted by 45moore45 at 9:02 PM on October 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

If she's me, I like you.
posted by clh at 9:03 PM on October 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

It's a tough question, but one that Dan Bern has addressed in his song Tiger Woods.

"If certain girls don't look at you
It means that they like you a lot
If other girls don't look at you
It just means they're ignoring you
How can you know, how can you know?
Which is which, who's doing what?
I guess that you can ask 'em
Which one are you baby?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
And all you need to do that
Is one good pair of big balls
Balls as big as grapefruits
Balls as big as pumpkins
Balls as big as mine"
posted by tdismukes at 9:04 PM on October 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

So just staring isn't enough information. Where you sit could easily be where her gaze naturally falls. However, there are a bunch of different ways to find out whether this is the case. I've got an idea for this particular situation. Attempt to catch her staring and smile once it's obvious you see that she's looking at you. (If she looks away too quickly wait to smile until she looks back at you.) Now this is subtle and more of a smirk than a smile. If she smiles back and holds your gaze for longer than a polite smile she's probably interested enough that you could approach her with no problem.

BTW- At most this is a sign of interest and not necessarily "like." That kinda requires conversation and knowing a little about you and what you think.
posted by JakeLL at 9:05 PM on October 25, 2007

Does she seem to have any kind of expression at all, in the moment before she looks away? Smiling, maybe? If she's smiling at all, I'd definitely ask her out if I were you.

Oh, one piece of advice: Unless she's under 18, which I assume she's not since you're evidently a college student according to a comment you left elsewhere, calling her a "girl" may not be a good idea if you want to go out with her. Some women don't care, but some do, and you don't know which group she belongs to.
posted by cerebus19 at 9:05 PM on October 25, 2007

She likes you. Go and talk with her about anything and everything, but promise yourself NOT to ask her out. That takes the pressure off the first conversation, and you'll be more relaxed. She'll be thinking about you until the next meeting. The second conversation will be a piece of cake.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:11 PM on October 25, 2007

Stare = "I find you interesting on some level. Maybe I like you, or maybe you have a huge booger that you should wipe off your face. If you want to find out, talk to me. "


"if she asks you out to dinner or initiates physical contact, she probably likes you"

The problem is that many, if not most, women never show physical signs of interest beyond looking and/or smiling. You'd be waiting all day. In Western dating culture you're stereotypically expected to make the first move. Ball's in your court, and in the grand scheme of things it hurts very little to ask.

Related AskMe question: "What do I have to do to make that cute guy notice me?" Our cultural conventions are so much fun.
posted by DaShiv at 9:25 PM on October 25, 2007

Hi, I'm Autarky. Wanna grab a coffee?

If No: Repeat (with, uh, someone else).
If Yes: Purchase coffee.

You have now established that you meet the primal criterion: you brought sustenance to the cave.

"So, I noticed that you
--only wear black
--love the lesser Lake poets
--attended the same lacrosse camp as my brother Cecil
--have a single eye in the center of your forehead

...let's talk about that."

This establishes the secondary criterion: you are Paying Attention To Her.

It is at this point that she will clue you in as to whether she likes you or not. Usually, she will say something like, "I like you!" or, "Here's my number!" or, "See you soon!" (which is almost like getting blown off, but not quite, depending on her expression).

After three dates, she will be seeking to ascertain the third criterion: That You Are Not Like All The Others. And at that point, you're pretty much on your own.

Truth is, when you know, you know, and the flirty coquettes who toss their hair and send mixed signals exists more on screen than IRL. And those ones IRL are mostly head cases who's idea of a relationship is a week of hot sex and six months of high drama.

Smile. If she smiles back, talk to her.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:32 PM on October 25, 2007 [18 favorites]

She may not be madly in love with you, but if you catch her repeatedly looking at you and then looking away, chances are that she at least thinks that you're cute.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 9:43 PM on October 25, 2007

This previous thread discusses how women act differently around men they're interested in vs. men they just want to be friends with; it may be useful.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:50 PM on October 25, 2007

This is probably a stupid question, but do you like her? Or do you just want to know how to read the behavior of women?
posted by Danila at 9:52 PM on October 25, 2007

"This is probably a stupid question, but do you like her? Or do you just want to know how to read the behavior of women?"

I don't, really. It was more along the lines of the latter, though the responses to this thread are quite interesting.
posted by Autarky at 9:58 PM on October 25, 2007

When a guy really, really does it for me, I will be across the room, pretending to ignore him, and if he ever comes over and talks to me, I will either seem shy to the point of muteness, or vaguely hostile.

I have several girlfriends with this problem. Just a data point for your collection.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 9:59 PM on October 25, 2007 [4 favorites]

You never know unless you ask. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Never take it personal, ever. Just move on. (easier said than done, but if you can do this you are ahead of the general population). One of the biggest forms of flattery for a female is to be asked out. If she turns you down, you tried and have nothing to be embarassed about.
posted by 6:1 at 10:11 PM on October 25, 2007

*shrug*
Personally, I just like looking at people.
posted by hopeless romantique at 10:33 PM on October 25, 2007

When a guy really, really does it for me, I will be across the room, pretending to ignore him, and if he ever comes over and talks to me, I will either seem shy to the point of muteness, or vaguely hostile.

You, Dear Beagle, are part of the problem here. ;)
posted by rokusan at 11:27 PM on October 25, 2007

You didn't say, but assuming it's PHP, check for TRUE/FALSE from this.girl.likes( $me ).
posted by davejay at 1:02 AM on October 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

i think she likes you.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:05 AM on October 26, 2007

Maybe some people are born knowing this stuff, but a lot of us have to learn it by making a total ass of ourselves, multiple times, and eventually saying, "ooooohh -- now I get it!"

So if you think she's cute, you take the risk of going up and saying, 'hey, how about some coffee?' But sometimes she will say "yes" even though she thinks you are awful, just to get funny stories to tell her girlfriends. And sometimes she will be angry and get her big boyfriend to beat you up. Or she will be confused and say, 'why are you asking me?'

But surprisingly often, she will be really flattered and happy that you asked her, and will say yes. Do this often enough, and you will learn to figure out from the clues beforehand which outcome is more likely.

I honestly don't think that there is an online shortcut or perfect answer to this. Sure, there are some easy ones, as you suggest in your question -- if she kisses you repeatedly, she might like you at least a little bit, for example. But really, there is simply no substitute for simply going out there and talking to girls, and no matter how embarrassing or unpleasant the initial results, keeping on talking to girls at every opportunity you get.
posted by Forktine at 5:16 AM on October 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

If your group has been together for any significant amount of time then my betting is that the other members will have formed an opinion about this - particularly the women and most especially any that are her friends. Ask them. If she really, really likes you then one of them will eventually approach you about it.
posted by rongorongo at 5:24 AM on October 26, 2007

Nothing to add here but I do wish that there had been Ask Metafilter when I was 19 years old.
posted by octothorpe at 5:49 AM on October 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

Here's a good way to operate--If you like her ask her out. Saves a lot of the agonizing. Odds will be about the same.

No matter what they do you never know. Last weekend I was haninging out with friends and this girl kept toucning me, trying to include me in the conversation, asked for my card, gave me hers, asked that I provide her with my email address on a flimsy excuse. It was the second time in a row that she had done this stuff. I had a strong suspicion. She definitely wasn't my type. Two of my friends indeendently of one another told me that they thought she liked me based on how she was acting.

I thought I would give her a chance because I know if I was in that situation, I'd want a chance. She actually turned me down for a date in the most awkward way.

You just don't know ever. Just take matters into your own hands.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:35 AM on October 26, 2007

Wow hmsbeagle cleared things up for me a bit.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:37 AM on October 26, 2007

How can you tell if a girl likes you?

By asking her out. Not being snarky, but it's the only real, definitive way.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:47 AM on October 26, 2007

My vote goes to walking over to her after you catch her staring at you the next time and saying, "You like what you see, pervert?"

/Kidding

Nthing the 'you just have to ask' comments. You've made it fairly clear here that your interest is more out of curiosity than desire, so you might want to just strike up a friendly chat and flat out ask her why she stares at you. Realize that this might shock her right out of liking you, however, so if you think you might want to pursue something more than small-talk later on keep that in mind.
posted by Pecinpah at 6:54 AM on October 26, 2007

Do you think there is a part to this where she likes you if you make her like you? I.e. she may have the potential to like you but it's sort of up to you to turn that potential around? I think women are less concrete in their liking then men are.
posted by sully75 at 7:35 AM on October 26, 2007

Flirting demystified.
posted by WCityMike at 7:56 AM on October 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's not easy to arrange, but here's how you tell:

Have someone bring a puppy into the room. If her staring switches to the puppy, she was just resting her eyes on you (but maybe because she likes your looks at least). If she looks at the puppy and then looks at you to see how you look looking at the puppy, then she likes you.
posted by xo at 8:09 AM on October 26, 2007 [13 favorites]

Why do you care if she likes you or not?

If it's because you would like to go out with her, then just ask her out.

If you don't want to go out with her, then just be kind to her if she someday works up the courage to ask you out.
posted by 14580 at 8:29 AM on October 26, 2007

If her staring switches to the puppy, she was just resting her eyes on you (but maybe because she likes your looks at least). If she looks at the puppy and then looks at you to see how you look looking at the puppy, then she likes you.

Holy cow, xo just described exactly what I do, and I never even knew I was doing it until now. That is brilliant. (And to be honest, you probably don't even need a puppy. If someone in your group says something controversial, if somebody asks, "Where should we all go for dinner?", etc. - if you catch her looking to see what your reaction will be, you're golden.)
posted by vytae at 8:42 AM on October 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

xo is brilliant and right. also, puppies!
posted by caitlinb at 10:52 AM on October 26, 2007

crinklebat: "
If you think she likes you, ask her out. If she says no, she probably doesn't like you."

I did that some years ago, and the girl told "No", so I moved on with my life. Years later, we met and she told I should've insisted!!! NOW COME ON!!!! Make up your mindS girl!!
posted by zouhair at 4:05 PM on October 26, 2007

Pupil dilation.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:28 AM on October 27, 2007