I think I like you . . .
May 1, 2015 9:32 PM Subscribe
Even though I rejected you. Does it work to give people a second chance?
So, I met this guy a bit over a month ago. We hung out a few times and hooked up each time. It was good, but I was uncertain about the guy. I liked that he seems very sharp, passionate, thoughtful and interesting. However, he came on kind of strong for me (seemingly assuming that we were going to be together for a long period, telling me I was great, etc.), said some awkward things that I kind of took as red flags (maybe they were, still not sure), and I had some misgivings about whether we were very well matched personality-wise. Accordingly, I broke it off after a few dates, saying that it didn't feel right and that we should just be friends.
However, we've hung out since then, and when we hung out, I began to doubt my decision. I mean, I'm still really not sure about the whole thing, but I keep thinking about him since then and the fact that I'm really attracted to him and I think that he is an interesting person who meets a lot of the things I'm looking for. I'm not sure that I wouldn't rather just date him and see if it goes anywhere/amounts to anything.
Have you ever changed your mind about this sort of thing, or had someone change their mind on you? Could it work out? Since I'm still not sure what I feel, is it better to hang out as friends for a while, or should I ask him to date but just maybe go slower? I'm not even sure if he'd want to at this point, or what he feels. I don't want to ask him to date and then all the sudden turn around right away and go back on it when I get nervous again, but I'm not sure how much I'd want to hang out as friends if I think that I might like him-like him . . .
So, I met this guy a bit over a month ago. We hung out a few times and hooked up each time. It was good, but I was uncertain about the guy. I liked that he seems very sharp, passionate, thoughtful and interesting. However, he came on kind of strong for me (seemingly assuming that we were going to be together for a long period, telling me I was great, etc.), said some awkward things that I kind of took as red flags (maybe they were, still not sure), and I had some misgivings about whether we were very well matched personality-wise. Accordingly, I broke it off after a few dates, saying that it didn't feel right and that we should just be friends.
However, we've hung out since then, and when we hung out, I began to doubt my decision. I mean, I'm still really not sure about the whole thing, but I keep thinking about him since then and the fact that I'm really attracted to him and I think that he is an interesting person who meets a lot of the things I'm looking for. I'm not sure that I wouldn't rather just date him and see if it goes anywhere/amounts to anything.
Have you ever changed your mind about this sort of thing, or had someone change their mind on you? Could it work out? Since I'm still not sure what I feel, is it better to hang out as friends for a while, or should I ask him to date but just maybe go slower? I'm not even sure if he'd want to at this point, or what he feels. I don't want to ask him to date and then all the sudden turn around right away and go back on it when I get nervous again, but I'm not sure how much I'd want to hang out as friends if I think that I might like him-like him . . .
The problem is not him, it's you. You don't know what you want. You'll only end up hurting both of you. Move on.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:49 PM on May 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:49 PM on May 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
How big of a jerk would you be to reject him, ask him out, then reject him soon after that? Be friends with him if you're friends, date him if you want to date him, but only do that when you're fairly sure you two can sustain some kind of dating relationship of some meaningful length. If you can't do that and don't want to be around him if you have feelings, you have to break off your friendship.
posted by inturnaround at 11:16 PM on May 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 11:16 PM on May 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Um, you sound fickle on this guy. In the reverse scenario, I look back on my dating years and really hated when someone dated me and then broke up and wanted to be friends.
You missed an opportunity while you were dating to (a) slow things down, or (b) clarify statements that made you feel squicky by simply using your words and talking to the fellow. Now instead of using your words, you are using him to work out your emotions. This is not fair.
Stop being his friend. Let him go. He's not right for you, you're not ready for whatever he wants - or both.
Survey says "Incompatible! Next!!" for both of you. Be kind and let him go.
posted by jbenben at 11:41 PM on May 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
You missed an opportunity while you were dating to (a) slow things down, or (b) clarify statements that made you feel squicky by simply using your words and talking to the fellow. Now instead of using your words, you are using him to work out your emotions. This is not fair.
Stop being his friend. Let him go. He's not right for you, you're not ready for whatever he wants - or both.
Survey says "Incompatible! Next!!" for both of you. Be kind and let him go.
posted by jbenben at 11:41 PM on May 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
Agree with the other answers.
My longest and best relationship was with a guy I gave a second chance to. But the biggest difference there, by the sound of it, was that I first rejected him after one date, no hooking up. Second chances can pay off sometimes, sure, but they must be administered at the right time.
I wonder why it struck you as coming on too strong that he told you you were great. There's probably context there, but if not, then it's worth thinking about why it's distasteful for someone to tell you that.
posted by mermaidcafe at 12:22 AM on May 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
My longest and best relationship was with a guy I gave a second chance to. But the biggest difference there, by the sound of it, was that I first rejected him after one date, no hooking up. Second chances can pay off sometimes, sure, but they must be administered at the right time.
I wonder why it struck you as coming on too strong that he told you you were great. There's probably context there, but if not, then it's worth thinking about why it's distasteful for someone to tell you that.
posted by mermaidcafe at 12:22 AM on May 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Can you try telling him what you have written here? Perhaps not everything, but say something to the effect of:
"Look, John, I may have been too hasty in deciding this isn't working. May have been. I will tell you honestly that there were a few things which concerned me. These were: xxx, yyy, zzz. I'm not sure if I can resolve these issues, but I also find that I enjoy hanging out with you and really appreciate aaa, bbb, ccc. Would you be willing to try a date even knowing I may decide in the end to just be friends?"
A lot of people will tell you that if you don't know by now, then he isn't the one. However, as someone with a truly awful internal mate-seeking system, I know that the men who have been good for me don't always appeal to me at first go. If you are like this too, then as long as you're honest I don't see any harm in giving it a second chance.
posted by frumiousb at 12:26 AM on May 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
"Look, John, I may have been too hasty in deciding this isn't working. May have been. I will tell you honestly that there were a few things which concerned me. These were: xxx, yyy, zzz. I'm not sure if I can resolve these issues, but I also find that I enjoy hanging out with you and really appreciate aaa, bbb, ccc. Would you be willing to try a date even knowing I may decide in the end to just be friends?"
A lot of people will tell you that if you don't know by now, then he isn't the one. However, as someone with a truly awful internal mate-seeking system, I know that the men who have been good for me don't always appeal to me at first go. If you are like this too, then as long as you're honest I don't see any harm in giving it a second chance.
posted by frumiousb at 12:26 AM on May 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
He deserves someone who is 100% into him, and you deserve exactly the same. I sort of think that if you don't know, then your feelings can't be that strong.
Try spending some time apart. See what your brain and body tell you when he's not actually in the picture. Do you see him as a friend, a lover, or maybe as nothing at all? Having him in the picture won't let you get a clear reading, as it were, because he'll be skewing the results. I think it's only fair to him that you know for sure what you want before telling him what that is.
posted by Solomon at 1:29 AM on May 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Try spending some time apart. See what your brain and body tell you when he's not actually in the picture. Do you see him as a friend, a lover, or maybe as nothing at all? Having him in the picture won't let you get a clear reading, as it were, because he'll be skewing the results. I think it's only fair to him that you know for sure what you want before telling him what that is.
posted by Solomon at 1:29 AM on May 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Keep hanging out as friends, and if/when you are sure that your feelings for him go beyond friendship, then ask him if he would like to go on a date.
Most of the time, you're going to be better off as friends. However, anecdotally, I once dated a guy for three months and he dumped me. We stayed acquaintances and saw each other occasionally at mutual friends' parties and chatted sometimes. Two years after he broke up with me, we began dating again. Now we are married with two kids. But the take away from that particular situation is that sometimes a person needs to be in a place in their life where they feel ready to be in a relationship. I don't know if that applies here.
posted by amro at 4:56 AM on May 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Most of the time, you're going to be better off as friends. However, anecdotally, I once dated a guy for three months and he dumped me. We stayed acquaintances and saw each other occasionally at mutual friends' parties and chatted sometimes. Two years after he broke up with me, we began dating again. Now we are married with two kids. But the take away from that particular situation is that sometimes a person needs to be in a place in their life where they feel ready to be in a relationship. I don't know if that applies here.
posted by amro at 4:56 AM on May 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Spend some time with dudes that are not this dude and this feeling will go away.
You didn't think it was a good match before. You only want to date him now because (from what you've written here it sounds like) he's the guy you're spending most of your time-with-a-dude time with.
Scale back on this guy socially. See other people.
posted by phunniemee at 5:35 AM on May 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
You didn't think it was a good match before. You only want to date him now because (from what you've written here it sounds like) he's the guy you're spending most of your time-with-a-dude time with.
Scale back on this guy socially. See other people.
posted by phunniemee at 5:35 AM on May 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
of course give it another go. could both of you be hurt? inevitable. that's love.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:11 AM on May 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 7:11 AM on May 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
You're not sure about him still, and you're doubting your initial red-flag-spotting. Trust your gut and trust your impressions about someone. If I get red flags and ignore them, inevitably, the person I had red flags about will fly a few more up the flagpole.
If you're this conflicted at this point, he's *definitely* not the one for you.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 8:31 AM on May 2, 2015
If you're this conflicted at this point, he's *definitely* not the one for you.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 8:31 AM on May 2, 2015
I'm the last person to toe the you've-gotta-be-110%-over-the-moon line. My current relationship took six-odd months of waffling and second-guessing, before it felt sufficiently "right" for both parties. And by "sufficiently," I mean that it took at least six additional months before it felt really, really right. Sometimes people are on different timetables or have different levels of fear, etc.
That said, I'm going to agree with the majority view on this one. Well, sort of. It sounds like your view of this person, currently, has shifted to largely-positive, instead of the somewhat-positive-somewhat-negative view you held previously. Are the "negatives" you weighed so heavily before looking less worrisome? As in, are you realizing that they aren't that big of a deal (e.g. does awkwardness now seem like adorable vulnerability)? Or are you ignoring/rationalizing them? You should honestly and deeply assess this before proceeding.
Have you ever changed your mind about this sort of thing, or had someone change their mind on you?
Yes, and yes (oh my, yes). In cases where I've changed mine, I've always decided that my chance has passed. I may have been wrong, and missed out on something good, but I haven't lost much sleep over these decisions. Wait, no: I did go back to someone who I'd wussed out on dating previously, once. Suffice it to say, it was not well-received. In cases where they've changed theirs, it's always been a temporary thing, with me left feeling even more confused and hurt than I did before. These were people who simply didn't know what they wanted, or at least were not able to define why I was/was not what they wanted. If you are considering restarting something with this guy, please try and be certain that you aren't one of those people.
posted by credible hulk at 9:14 AM on May 2, 2015
That said, I'm going to agree with the majority view on this one. Well, sort of. It sounds like your view of this person, currently, has shifted to largely-positive, instead of the somewhat-positive-somewhat-negative view you held previously. Are the "negatives" you weighed so heavily before looking less worrisome? As in, are you realizing that they aren't that big of a deal (e.g. does awkwardness now seem like adorable vulnerability)? Or are you ignoring/rationalizing them? You should honestly and deeply assess this before proceeding.
Have you ever changed your mind about this sort of thing, or had someone change their mind on you?
Yes, and yes (oh my, yes). In cases where I've changed mine, I've always decided that my chance has passed. I may have been wrong, and missed out on something good, but I haven't lost much sleep over these decisions. Wait, no: I did go back to someone who I'd wussed out on dating previously, once. Suffice it to say, it was not well-received. In cases where they've changed theirs, it's always been a temporary thing, with me left feeling even more confused and hurt than I did before. These were people who simply didn't know what they wanted, or at least were not able to define why I was/was not what they wanted. If you are considering restarting something with this guy, please try and be certain that you aren't one of those people.
posted by credible hulk at 9:14 AM on May 2, 2015
For your own sake, you need to trust your intuitive feeling. He has some truly great qualities, but that's not enough. After hooking up twice and presumably talking a good bit, if he were right for you, you'd be strongly looking forward to seeing him again.I'm not saying it's always easy to trust your intuitive judgment -- I had many years of talking myself into and out of things "for good reasons."
posted by wryly at 12:07 PM on May 2, 2015
posted by wryly at 12:07 PM on May 2, 2015
Response by poster: Going against the grain and giving it another chance (while being open about where I am), after thinking it over for a week or two. So far, so good . . .
posted by knownfossils at 7:47 PM on May 16, 2015
posted by knownfossils at 7:47 PM on May 16, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Specklet at 10:21 PM on May 1, 2015 [1 favorite]