Destination wedding/bridal shower - gifts?
April 14, 2015 6:54 AM Subscribe
What is the gift etiquette when you are attending both?
I'm a bridesmaid in my friend's destination wedding. Yay! I'm also attending her bridal shower, which will require travel too, albeit by car rather than plane. I've not been to many weddings and this is my first turn as a bridesmaid so I have a few questions:
- What is the general gift etiquette for destination weddings?
- As I am going to the bridal shower and the wedding, am I supposed to bring gifts to both?
- Oh, and: are bridesmaids supposed to change into a second outfit for the reception?
- Anything else I should know about customary gifts as a wedding party member?
I love my friend so very much and I want to make sure I do the proper things without going bankrupt. Thanks!
I'm a bridesmaid in my friend's destination wedding. Yay! I'm also attending her bridal shower, which will require travel too, albeit by car rather than plane. I've not been to many weddings and this is my first turn as a bridesmaid so I have a few questions:
- What is the general gift etiquette for destination weddings?
- As I am going to the bridal shower and the wedding, am I supposed to bring gifts to both?
- Oh, and: are bridesmaids supposed to change into a second outfit for the reception?
- Anything else I should know about customary gifts as a wedding party member?
I love my friend so very much and I want to make sure I do the proper things without going bankrupt. Thanks!
Whether you change clothes or not is entirely up to the bride and her vision of the event more than a matter of etiquette (or how uncomfortable the bridesmaid dresses are).
In the set of rules that I know (these "rules" vary from wedding to wedding quite a bit) bridesmaids don't give the bride anything special at the wedding, but the bride gives the bridesmaids something (jewelry that might be worn at the wedding, or just something pretty or keepsake-ish).
In general, yes one gift per event (shower+wedding = 2), and the fact that you're a bridesmaid doesn't really increase or decrease the expectations of what that gift will be, just pick something in your personal price range. The fact that you're traveling for the weddings might affect your personal price range, but not the fact that you have to come up with a decent gift of some sort. (I say that in the context of a wedding that you travel to, eg your friend lives in CA and you fly from FL to her wedding in her home state. May not apply if everyone including the bride and all her local friends pack up and fly to the Carribbean, a true "destination wedding")
posted by aimedwander at 7:07 AM on April 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
In the set of rules that I know (these "rules" vary from wedding to wedding quite a bit) bridesmaids don't give the bride anything special at the wedding, but the bride gives the bridesmaids something (jewelry that might be worn at the wedding, or just something pretty or keepsake-ish).
In general, yes one gift per event (shower+wedding = 2), and the fact that you're a bridesmaid doesn't really increase or decrease the expectations of what that gift will be, just pick something in your personal price range. The fact that you're traveling for the weddings might affect your personal price range, but not the fact that you have to come up with a decent gift of some sort. (I say that in the context of a wedding that you travel to, eg your friend lives in CA and you fly from FL to her wedding in her home state. May not apply if everyone including the bride and all her local friends pack up and fly to the Carribbean, a true "destination wedding")
posted by aimedwander at 7:07 AM on April 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think the expectations, particularly around gifting, depend heavily on your micro-culture (i.e., if you're American, what region, what religious/ethnic background, what economic background).
If I were you (and I have been a bridesmaid, though not in a destination wedding, but I have attended several destination weddings), I would give a gift for both events. Based on the culture I grew up in (working/middle class Catholic NYC), and my age/job (steady career), I would give a gift, probably around $50ish, off the registry for the shower (or, perhaps something more personal, if you'd prefer to do that). Sometimes I've gone in on a larger group gift with the other bridesmaids, so if there is a group of you, and there is something large on the registry, you might want to propose that idea.
I would then give cash in a card at the wedding (again, the culture of most weddings I attend is cash at the wedding - yours may be different). If you're going to do a physical gift at the wedding (from the registry or otherwise), I would suggest having it sent to the couple's house, particularly for a destination wedding. You could give a heartfelt card to them at the actual wedding, or send that with the gift. Every destination wedding I've attended has the couple saying no gifts necessary because everyone has traveled, but, in my anecdotal experience, people still give gifts (though maybe a slightly smaller amount - again, if giving cash - than they would if it were a local wedding).
I've been a bridesmaid a number of times and I've never changed dresses for the reception, though I agree with larthegreat that a change of shoes is a great thing to have in your purse. If the bridesmaid dress is uncomfortable or long or otherwise problematic, you could pack a more comfortable or casual dress for any after-party.
If your financial situation makes gifting hard, particularly in light of destination costs and bridesmaiding costs, then I would give what you are comfortable with and what is thoughtful. If you are good enough friends to be in the wedding, I assume that your friends will appreciate your time, attendance and participation more than the dollar amount you spent on the gifts for their shower/wedding.
posted by Caz721 at 7:19 AM on April 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
If I were you (and I have been a bridesmaid, though not in a destination wedding, but I have attended several destination weddings), I would give a gift for both events. Based on the culture I grew up in (working/middle class Catholic NYC), and my age/job (steady career), I would give a gift, probably around $50ish, off the registry for the shower (or, perhaps something more personal, if you'd prefer to do that). Sometimes I've gone in on a larger group gift with the other bridesmaids, so if there is a group of you, and there is something large on the registry, you might want to propose that idea.
I would then give cash in a card at the wedding (again, the culture of most weddings I attend is cash at the wedding - yours may be different). If you're going to do a physical gift at the wedding (from the registry or otherwise), I would suggest having it sent to the couple's house, particularly for a destination wedding. You could give a heartfelt card to them at the actual wedding, or send that with the gift. Every destination wedding I've attended has the couple saying no gifts necessary because everyone has traveled, but, in my anecdotal experience, people still give gifts (though maybe a slightly smaller amount - again, if giving cash - than they would if it were a local wedding).
I've been a bridesmaid a number of times and I've never changed dresses for the reception, though I agree with larthegreat that a change of shoes is a great thing to have in your purse. If the bridesmaid dress is uncomfortable or long or otherwise problematic, you could pack a more comfortable or casual dress for any after-party.
If your financial situation makes gifting hard, particularly in light of destination costs and bridesmaiding costs, then I would give what you are comfortable with and what is thoughtful. If you are good enough friends to be in the wedding, I assume that your friends will appreciate your time, attendance and participation more than the dollar amount you spent on the gifts for their shower/wedding.
posted by Caz721 at 7:19 AM on April 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree with everything Caz wrote. (Waspy east coast US middle class upbringing.)
posted by Wretch729 at 7:32 AM on April 14, 2015
posted by Wretch729 at 7:32 AM on April 14, 2015
Seconding lathegreat and Caz721 (I'm East Coast urban US, lower-middle class): if it's a true "destination wedding" your attendance at the wedding is the gift, and if you can/want to give more, that's nice, but not expected. A nice card is sufficient.
A shower gift is expected, and group gifts for a large registry item are common. There's a tradition as well of bridesmaids (or close friends, if the bridal party is family), giving a "boudoir" gift, like a negligee, but not a particularly strong one.
When you're considering your wedding budget, don't forget to plan for the bachelorette party. Bridesmaids are sometimes expected to share in some costs above and beyond their own, in my experience.
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:44 AM on April 14, 2015
A shower gift is expected, and group gifts for a large registry item are common. There's a tradition as well of bridesmaids (or close friends, if the bridal party is family), giving a "boudoir" gift, like a negligee, but not a particularly strong one.
When you're considering your wedding budget, don't forget to plan for the bachelorette party. Bridesmaids are sometimes expected to share in some costs above and beyond their own, in my experience.
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:44 AM on April 14, 2015
- What is the general gift etiquette for destination weddings?
Same as normal weddings:
- De jure, a gift is not required; but de facto, if you care enough to attend the wedding, it's weird not to also give a gift.
- The monetary value of the gift isn't important, just pick something you think they'll really like.
- If they have a registry, you may want to consult that for ideas, but you're not bound to it.
- Send the gift to the bride's home ahead of the wedding, don't bring it with you.
- You have a year after the wedding to send the gift, but there's normally no reason to wait around unless it's, like, a homemade quilt or a custom order from Nepal or something. Just stump up the gift right away and get it over with.
- If you are being put up in someone's home as an overnight guest, bring them a host/ess gift, and if you are there for more than one day, try to take your hosts out for dinner once, or cook a meal, or order takeout or something along those lines.
- As I am going to the bridal shower and the wedding, am I supposed to bring gifts to both?
A shower is one of the few occasions where gift-giving is de jure required. (The other occasion is a child's birthday party.) The actual purpose of a shower is gift-giving. A shower gift should be an amusing wedding-related tchotchke of small monetary value, like a garter.
- Oh, and: are bridesmaids supposed to change into a second outfit for the reception?
I don't think so, but you don't need to be as covered-up for a reception as for the ceremony. You can show cleavage, etc. So if you had on a jacket or cover-up for the ceremony, you can take that off when the ceremony's over.
- Anything else I should know about customary gifts as a wedding party member?
Your major gift is your attendance upon the bride, so don't worry too much. Put more meaning than expense into your gift! If the bride gives you a gift, she'll probably hand it to you in person, but it would still be nice of you to send her a thank-you note afterwards.
posted by tel3path at 7:50 AM on April 14, 2015
Same as normal weddings:
- De jure, a gift is not required; but de facto, if you care enough to attend the wedding, it's weird not to also give a gift.
- The monetary value of the gift isn't important, just pick something you think they'll really like.
- If they have a registry, you may want to consult that for ideas, but you're not bound to it.
- Send the gift to the bride's home ahead of the wedding, don't bring it with you.
- You have a year after the wedding to send the gift, but there's normally no reason to wait around unless it's, like, a homemade quilt or a custom order from Nepal or something. Just stump up the gift right away and get it over with.
- If you are being put up in someone's home as an overnight guest, bring them a host/ess gift, and if you are there for more than one day, try to take your hosts out for dinner once, or cook a meal, or order takeout or something along those lines.
- As I am going to the bridal shower and the wedding, am I supposed to bring gifts to both?
A shower is one of the few occasions where gift-giving is de jure required. (The other occasion is a child's birthday party.) The actual purpose of a shower is gift-giving. A shower gift should be an amusing wedding-related tchotchke of small monetary value, like a garter.
- Oh, and: are bridesmaids supposed to change into a second outfit for the reception?
I don't think so, but you don't need to be as covered-up for a reception as for the ceremony. You can show cleavage, etc. So if you had on a jacket or cover-up for the ceremony, you can take that off when the ceremony's over.
- Anything else I should know about customary gifts as a wedding party member?
Your major gift is your attendance upon the bride, so don't worry too much. Put more meaning than expense into your gift! If the bride gives you a gift, she'll probably hand it to you in person, but it would still be nice of you to send her a thank-you note afterwards.
posted by tel3path at 7:50 AM on April 14, 2015
Hi, Midwestern US person here. No specific religious affiliation for us or many of our friends.
- What is the general gift etiquette for destination weddings? Generally your presence is the gift, but if you choose to give one, send it to the bride's home ahead of time.
- As I am going to the bridal shower and the wedding, am I supposed to bring gifts to both? Shower definitely, wedding see above.
- Oh, and: are bridesmaids supposed to change into a second outfit for the reception? No, but bring other shoes as others have posted. The "second dress for the reception" phenomenon for brides is relatively new; I've only seen it in the last 5-10 years (but we're really behind the East coast with this sort of thing).
- Anything else I should know about customary gifts as a wedding party member? The bride will give you a gift, it's usually jewelry for the ceremony or a small keepsake. You may be asked by the maid of honor or other bridesmaids to contribute to cover the bride's costs for any bachelorette parties. If you host a/the wedding shower, those costs are on you as well, and considered part of the "gift" of hosting.
posted by RogueTech at 8:05 AM on April 14, 2015
- What is the general gift etiquette for destination weddings? Generally your presence is the gift, but if you choose to give one, send it to the bride's home ahead of time.
- As I am going to the bridal shower and the wedding, am I supposed to bring gifts to both? Shower definitely, wedding see above.
- Oh, and: are bridesmaids supposed to change into a second outfit for the reception? No, but bring other shoes as others have posted. The "second dress for the reception" phenomenon for brides is relatively new; I've only seen it in the last 5-10 years (but we're really behind the East coast with this sort of thing).
- Anything else I should know about customary gifts as a wedding party member? The bride will give you a gift, it's usually jewelry for the ceremony or a small keepsake. You may be asked by the maid of honor or other bridesmaids to contribute to cover the bride's costs for any bachelorette parties. If you host a/the wedding shower, those costs are on you as well, and considered part of the "gift" of hosting.
posted by RogueTech at 8:05 AM on April 14, 2015
The only weddings I've been to where the bridesmaids changed outfits were ones where the bride (or rather, her parents) paid for the extra outfits. It was a way of displaying the wealth of the bride's family, and common in that particular culture. If you and/or the bride were of such a culture you would already know that it was expected, so in your case I'm going to say no, you are probably not expected to buy more than one outfit for the entirety of the wedding and reception.
If you're on a budget, a nice crystal or silver picture frame makes a nice gift within a reasonable price range. Vases are also nice. Otherwise, I tend to buy gift cards for the store at which the couple are registered.
(*True story - I once went to an evening reception where the (eight!) bridesmaids changed their outfits 3 times and the bride changed 7 times. Longest reception of my life, just waiting for the costume changes! But, I guess it made the impression they wanted it to, because here I am 12 years later still talking about it...)
posted by vignettist at 9:40 AM on April 14, 2015
If you're on a budget, a nice crystal or silver picture frame makes a nice gift within a reasonable price range. Vases are also nice. Otherwise, I tend to buy gift cards for the store at which the couple are registered.
(*True story - I once went to an evening reception where the (eight!) bridesmaids changed their outfits 3 times and the bride changed 7 times. Longest reception of my life, just waiting for the costume changes! But, I guess it made the impression they wanted it to, because here I am 12 years later still talking about it...)
posted by vignettist at 9:40 AM on April 14, 2015
Just went through this for an acquaintance's destination wedding. I'm East Coast and had some gift related freak out. I knew about what I wanted to spend/thought was reasonable for a gift given wedding expenses (airfare, car rental, hotel) and that these people are more acquaintances (met bride once, never met groom) than friends. Unfortunately, there was nothing on the registries in my range, nor two things that combined well and they had a note specifically that off-registry gifts were not OK. (Yes, I know that's a thing. I hate it. Take cash/GC and STFU please) so I emailed. Surprisingly, she felt OK with a lower price point gift than I expected and seemed surprised that I was getting a gift after traveling. So more YMMV.
Assume since you're a bridesmaid you're OK enough asking the bride on some of this?
posted by TravellingCari at 10:48 AM on April 14, 2015
Assume since you're a bridesmaid you're OK enough asking the bride on some of this?
posted by TravellingCari at 10:48 AM on April 14, 2015
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Destination weddings that require a flight- gift not necessary, a card is always nice. Local weddings, gift sent to home, OR $ in card brought to wedding.
Bridal shower- gift in the $30-60 price range (depending on your income, how well you know the bride etc).
As a bridesmaid, you stay in your dress the whole wedding- you definitely do not need a second dress! If anything, bring a pair a flats for about 1-2hrs into the reception, so you can change into more comfortable shoes after standing all day.
posted by larthegreat at 7:02 AM on April 14, 2015 [2 favorites]