Don't want kids but....
April 12, 2015 10:55 AM Subscribe
I realized the other day that I'm starting to "nest" kinda, in my own way. How to deal?
I definitely don't want kids, for many reasons both practical and selfish, financially...physically....psychologically and emotionally....you name it, I'll nod in agreement.
But I'm definitely noticing a somewhat sudden trend towards "nesting" behaviors. I very much "aww" at more stuff, out loud and in my head. As a dabbling photographer, I've been taking more pictures of kids and since I'm in Japan, those tykes that were before amusingly and randomly cute are now excellent picture subjects in their little rain boots and wee umbrellas and adorable rain coats (help). I've always done weird stuff like pick out names for everything from future pets of all types to considering what wood grain I would put in a future library, but now those skills are horrifyingly working in the background whenever something resembling a certain unwanted subject crosses my path... you get the picture.
Luckily, I think, being in Japan exposes me to plenty of cute things I can buy and own without facing some weird judgement (soft fuzzy keychain/phone charms are a life saver really) but I'm going back to the States next year, and I'm mildly, _mildly_ concerned.
(I'm a woman with a boyfriend, and he's fully aware and understanding of my lack of interest in kids, as a side note.)
How do I deal? Has anyone else had this, er, problem?
I definitely don't want kids, for many reasons both practical and selfish, financially...physically....psychologically and emotionally....you name it, I'll nod in agreement.
But I'm definitely noticing a somewhat sudden trend towards "nesting" behaviors. I very much "aww" at more stuff, out loud and in my head. As a dabbling photographer, I've been taking more pictures of kids and since I'm in Japan, those tykes that were before amusingly and randomly cute are now excellent picture subjects in their little rain boots and wee umbrellas and adorable rain coats (help). I've always done weird stuff like pick out names for everything from future pets of all types to considering what wood grain I would put in a future library, but now those skills are horrifyingly working in the background whenever something resembling a certain unwanted subject crosses my path... you get the picture.
Luckily, I think, being in Japan exposes me to plenty of cute things I can buy and own without facing some weird judgement (soft fuzzy keychain/phone charms are a life saver really) but I'm going back to the States next year, and I'm mildly, _mildly_ concerned.
(I'm a woman with a boyfriend, and he's fully aware and understanding of my lack of interest in kids, as a side note.)
How do I deal? Has anyone else had this, er, problem?
I agree with cmoj. Maybe you are developing a level of empathy and awareness you didn't have before.
posted by "friend" of a TSA Agent at 10:59 AM on April 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by "friend" of a TSA Agent at 10:59 AM on April 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
What's worrying about this, though? It's OK to like cute things and appreciate an adorable kid and still not be interested in having kids. Are you worried that the inevitable end of this is your biological clock exploding into "KIDS, NOW!"? I'm 3 years shy of 40 and that still hasn't happened to me--and I don't expect it to. But I still love my Chii's Sweet Home stuff, my Ghibli stuff, my San-X stuff, kittens, puppies, cupcakes, and how totally sweet little kids in Halloween costumes are. There may be some internal voice telling you that These Things are Not Okay for Grown-Ups Without Children, but that's BS. <3
posted by wintersweet at 11:01 AM on April 12, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by wintersweet at 11:01 AM on April 12, 2015 [11 favorites]
And OK, I rejected cute stuff for several years around adolescence/the beginning of college, but a) I think that was a kind of internalized misogyny, if I'm honest, and b) it's totally OK to change, and c) it's totally OK to change in directions that aren't necessarily Societally Approved(TM).
posted by wintersweet at 11:02 AM on April 12, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by wintersweet at 11:02 AM on April 12, 2015 [12 favorites]
Response by poster: Ah, will step in for a moment to clarify and then leave the page until at least tomorrow, promise.
*lays back on the couch* I'm afraid I'll make an incredibly irrational decision based on a relatively short period of "wouldn't that be nice" and regret that for the rest of my life, as my fairly narcissistic, apparently somewhat disturbed mother very much seemed to throughout my entire life, especially considering how much happier she is now that us kids have left. One could say she started the "nope" about kids in me deep down, but I've built up my more rational reasons since. I could go completely into my "people think I'd be a great mother 'cause kids like me, but you'd see me on the 6 o'clock news one day for having murdered them in a fit of frustrated rage" attempt at explanation, which no one seems to take seriously, sadly enough, but there you have it.
Now, Dr. Freud, if I may excuse myself *waves* thanks everyone for any insight you can provide in dealing with these crazy new emotions about maybe kinda sorta wanting kids but rationally knowing I would hate myself and the kids forever. Cheers.
posted by DisreputableDog at 11:16 AM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
*lays back on the couch* I'm afraid I'll make an incredibly irrational decision based on a relatively short period of "wouldn't that be nice" and regret that for the rest of my life, as my fairly narcissistic, apparently somewhat disturbed mother very much seemed to throughout my entire life, especially considering how much happier she is now that us kids have left. One could say she started the "nope" about kids in me deep down, but I've built up my more rational reasons since. I could go completely into my "people think I'd be a great mother 'cause kids like me, but you'd see me on the 6 o'clock news one day for having murdered them in a fit of frustrated rage" attempt at explanation, which no one seems to take seriously, sadly enough, but there you have it.
Now, Dr. Freud, if I may excuse myself *waves* thanks everyone for any insight you can provide in dealing with these crazy new emotions about maybe kinda sorta wanting kids but rationally knowing I would hate myself and the kids forever. Cheers.
posted by DisreputableDog at 11:16 AM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Well, here's one thing to keep in mind -- not having your own kids doesn't mean you can't have kids in your life. Friends and siblings with kids are typically thrilled to have extra adults to spend time with them. Maybe you just need some (pseudo-) nieces and nephews to channel your nurturing feelings towards. Quality kid time, but then you go home to your grown up house and get enough sleep.
It can be quite instructive to borrow some kids for a few days and see how utterly exhausting that is. (Of course, you have to be pretty close to some parents to pull this off.)
posted by ktkt at 11:29 AM on April 12, 2015 [20 favorites]
It can be quite instructive to borrow some kids for a few days and see how utterly exhausting that is. (Of course, you have to be pretty close to some parents to pull this off.)
posted by ktkt at 11:29 AM on April 12, 2015 [20 favorites]
Best answer: ktkt has it. Children are probably not in the cards for me, for a number of reasons, but I'm the best aunt ever to my nephews and a devoted honorary aunt to a dozen or so children. My friends love it - I'm always up to join whatever activities they have planned, and love to babysit. It's a great way to get my baby fix, form relationships with the next generation, give my friends/siblings some time off, and expose the children to a different adult. I genuinely have so much fun, too - I just love getting to experience kids in this way. It's win/win/win, I think.
Also, yeah, then I get to go home and sit quietly in a house filled with fragile things while I drink wine I couldn't afford if I had kids.
posted by punchtothehead at 11:35 AM on April 12, 2015 [11 favorites]
Also, yeah, then I get to go home and sit quietly in a house filled with fragile things while I drink wine I couldn't afford if I had kids.
posted by punchtothehead at 11:35 AM on April 12, 2015 [11 favorites]
Most people who decide not to have children of their own don't do so because they dislike kids or cute things. I probably won't have kids, but I'm a very engaged Aunt to my sisters kids and friends' kids. I'm also super into cutie kids things like stickers and little toys. This isn't really a conflict for me. You can like kids and kid toys and still not want your own kids. It's also possible to be the type of person who would make a great parent and still not be committed to actually becoming a parent.
posted by quince at 11:36 AM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by quince at 11:36 AM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: My take on this is that your fear that you'll change your mind and have kids and it'll be a mistake is part of something that's been drilled into you by the turd factory of misogyny that is our society at its worst. It's part of the same narrative that prevents young women from being voluntarily sterilised, just in case they don't know their own minds.
There's a big difference between finding more joy in cute stuff and thinking small children are sweet, and making the life-altering decision to have a child. I say decision because it is a decision - it's your reason that's ultimately calling the shots, not your hormones or your upswell-of-sudden-cuteness-love.
It sounds like you're afraid that you're going to - what, stop using contraception on a whim? Get totally overwhelmed by these feelings of maybe really liking kids at the moment and just have one and before you know it you've got one and it's too late to take it back? It doesn't feel like you're giving your rational mind enough credit - that you're afraid you'll be overwhelmed and literally baby-crazy and there won't be a damn thing you can do about it. And I think that whole idea is bullshit dreamt up to scare women.
Women who don't want children are dangerous, in some people's minds, and need to be cowed. They need to be told repeatedly that they aren't qualified to know what they want, and that even if they do, their own biology is likely to betray them into defying what they want - what they know and believe to be the best for them - and having kids anyway. This is the posion that women who don't want children are drip-fed, openly and subtly, from all manner of sources (because all manner of people have received the same conditioning and then participate in the social duty of enforcing and policing the idea in casual words and actions). It's not surprising at all that you think this is a risk right now, because this is what everyone's been constantly telling you as though it's the truth.
The aim, however unconscious, is to make you question what you know and believe in order to reduce your power as a woman. It's really hard to resist that kind of message over decades, even if you've had the "no kids for me" song in your head the whole time. Social norms work hard to maintain themselves.
I don't have good links right now, but I've read plenty of accounts from women who were in the same position as you - didn't want kids but did feel something maybe biological kicking in. The biology perhaps isn't up for question - it's the idea that you can't possibly resist it that is. And plenty of those women felt those feelings and though, "nope, still not for me". I've also read about women who said "never" and then changed their minds, and that's fine too - what's not okay is the idea that a woman will only ever change her mind, or can never truly know her mind.
I just can't believe that this is a madness that is going to overtake you, against your better judgement. The fact that you are feeling these feelings doesn't mean you're doomed to do something you really don't want to do. They're just feelings. You can resist them. You can let them go. They will pass.
The bulk of what you've written is about how much you don't want kids, especially the update you give. There's nothing in what you've said that makes me think you're not capable of continuing to not want them or continuing to not have them, no matter what you might be feeling right now. You are totally empowered to make this decision. Nothing has to overwhelm you if you don't want to let it.
posted by terretu at 11:41 AM on April 12, 2015 [25 favorites]
There's a big difference between finding more joy in cute stuff and thinking small children are sweet, and making the life-altering decision to have a child. I say decision because it is a decision - it's your reason that's ultimately calling the shots, not your hormones or your upswell-of-sudden-cuteness-love.
It sounds like you're afraid that you're going to - what, stop using contraception on a whim? Get totally overwhelmed by these feelings of maybe really liking kids at the moment and just have one and before you know it you've got one and it's too late to take it back? It doesn't feel like you're giving your rational mind enough credit - that you're afraid you'll be overwhelmed and literally baby-crazy and there won't be a damn thing you can do about it. And I think that whole idea is bullshit dreamt up to scare women.
Women who don't want children are dangerous, in some people's minds, and need to be cowed. They need to be told repeatedly that they aren't qualified to know what they want, and that even if they do, their own biology is likely to betray them into defying what they want - what they know and believe to be the best for them - and having kids anyway. This is the posion that women who don't want children are drip-fed, openly and subtly, from all manner of sources (because all manner of people have received the same conditioning and then participate in the social duty of enforcing and policing the idea in casual words and actions). It's not surprising at all that you think this is a risk right now, because this is what everyone's been constantly telling you as though it's the truth.
The aim, however unconscious, is to make you question what you know and believe in order to reduce your power as a woman. It's really hard to resist that kind of message over decades, even if you've had the "no kids for me" song in your head the whole time. Social norms work hard to maintain themselves.
I don't have good links right now, but I've read plenty of accounts from women who were in the same position as you - didn't want kids but did feel something maybe biological kicking in. The biology perhaps isn't up for question - it's the idea that you can't possibly resist it that is. And plenty of those women felt those feelings and though, "nope, still not for me". I've also read about women who said "never" and then changed their minds, and that's fine too - what's not okay is the idea that a woman will only ever change her mind, or can never truly know her mind.
I just can't believe that this is a madness that is going to overtake you, against your better judgement. The fact that you are feeling these feelings doesn't mean you're doomed to do something you really don't want to do. They're just feelings. You can resist them. You can let them go. They will pass.
The bulk of what you've written is about how much you don't want kids, especially the update you give. There's nothing in what you've said that makes me think you're not capable of continuing to not want them or continuing to not have them, no matter what you might be feeling right now. You are totally empowered to make this decision. Nothing has to overwhelm you if you don't want to let it.
posted by terretu at 11:41 AM on April 12, 2015 [25 favorites]
I'm just not sure I understand the connection you're making here that is causing you concern. Like you, I don't want kids. Like you, I think that kids are adorable and funny and sweet, and I like cute things. In fact, my life is kind of all about kids. I work with teenagers all day, every day, and I really enjoy spending time with "my kids," and I've developed close bonds with a lot of them. I spend time with my kids even when I'm not required to by my job, just because I like to. Sometimes, I have conversations with random kids on the subway. I like to play with toys and read books to kids, and I volunteer from time to time in school classrooms so that I get to have fifth graders read to me. To some extent, I consider all of that to be supportive of my desire not to have kids; after all, if I like kids this much and still don't want my own, then I must be making a good decision not to have them.
But honestly, I just don't see how "likes fuzzy keychains" or "gives pets names" translates to "will eventually let someone impregnate me with a child I will grow to resent."
posted by decathecting at 12:00 PM on April 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
But honestly, I just don't see how "likes fuzzy keychains" or "gives pets names" translates to "will eventually let someone impregnate me with a child I will grow to resent."
posted by decathecting at 12:00 PM on April 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
I flipped. I was adamantly against having kids in my teens and twenties. Then in my early thirties there were cute baby pictures everywhere and me going "awwww". However, it took close exposure to some very darling nieces and nephews and getting to the point that I hated my job to actually flip me. I wasn't swayed just by cute pictures, but by really amazing little humans.
I don't have regrets about giving birth and raising a kid, but it was a huge amount of work and very expensive. (I don't want to talk the cost of college textbooks, or I might start sobbing. One income family.)
The book All Joy and No Fun is kind of interesting, about the high highs and the low lows of parenting. In my experience parenting (just one kid) is both terrific and awful. (The awful was mostly the infant years.)
If you want to brace yourself against a tsunami of cute, I suggest you get puked on a few times and spend some time up all night with a crying baby. It will reinforce your resolution! (You could even borrow one of those Hey!Use!Birth!Control! dolls they make teenagers take home to scare them.) (I'm not sure what the real name it.)
Having firm goals about other things you want to do may also help.
posted by puddledork at 12:01 PM on April 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't have regrets about giving birth and raising a kid, but it was a huge amount of work and very expensive. (I don't want to talk the cost of college textbooks, or I might start sobbing. One income family.)
The book All Joy and No Fun is kind of interesting, about the high highs and the low lows of parenting. In my experience parenting (just one kid) is both terrific and awful. (The awful was mostly the infant years.)
If you want to brace yourself against a tsunami of cute, I suggest you get puked on a few times and spend some time up all night with a crying baby. It will reinforce your resolution! (You could even borrow one of those Hey!Use!Birth!Control! dolls they make teenagers take home to scare them.) (I'm not sure what the real name it.)
Having firm goals about other things you want to do may also help.
posted by puddledork at 12:01 PM on April 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Okay, so the last thing I want to do is to be one of those obnoxious people who undermine your own decision-making process and suggest you don't know your own mind. If you really don't want kids, that's absolutely your prerogative and completely fine. You know better than anyone else and it's ultimately your choice. With that said, though, I just want to share with you my thoughts on how this came across to me, and you can do with them what you will- including completely ignore them.
I really empathized with your follow-up comment, because for a long time in my early 20s the remnants of my not-ideal home and family life growing up were still very active in my psychological makeup. I had such a hard time because of my parents' divorce and their perceived and real selfishness, that I was absolutely miserable a lot of time to the extent that I had some suicidal thoughts at various points in my adolescence/ young adulthood. This was pretty much directly the result of a crappy home life and family situation. And I was terrified that I would become like my parents. Just petrified. I was quite sure I would literally rather die than become like my parents and inflict that suffering on my own child. I felt this conviction incredibly strongly and deeply. And so until the age of about 25, I held fast to the deep, deep conviction that I would NOT get pregnant. I would NOT let the cycle continue. I WOULD be stronger than my parents. I truly feared having children and messing up their lives more than anything.
It took a very long time, some good friends, healthy relationships, a lot of soul-searching, and making my way in the world without my parents before the first cracks started to appear in this fortress I had constructed psychologically. I started to trust myself. I started to see myself as NOT being like my parents, or genetically doomed or fated to follow their example. I began to see my parents as pitiable and flawed, and appreciate my own ability to thrive independently and in spite of them. I saw that I was trustworthy and I could avoid their mistakes. And I believe directly as a result of this, and of simply growing older, as well as interacting with more children (my nephew, etc.) I began to feel more and more comfortable with the idea of having children.
I realize you are not me. However, I get the sense that a lot of this decision is based on fear for you- fear of being like your mom, fear of hurting your kids. Fear is something unhealthy in nearly all cases that should be explored psychologically and faced head-on, with the help of a therapist if necessary. Your childhood and crappy parenting should not have a deep effect on your life past a certain point in adulthood and the healing process.
That does not mean that you do not also have completely valid other reasons not to have kids. But anything motivated by fear, in my opinion, is worth overcoming.
I hope this helped at all. Good luck.
posted by quincunx at 12:12 PM on April 12, 2015 [13 favorites]
I really empathized with your follow-up comment, because for a long time in my early 20s the remnants of my not-ideal home and family life growing up were still very active in my psychological makeup. I had such a hard time because of my parents' divorce and their perceived and real selfishness, that I was absolutely miserable a lot of time to the extent that I had some suicidal thoughts at various points in my adolescence/ young adulthood. This was pretty much directly the result of a crappy home life and family situation. And I was terrified that I would become like my parents. Just petrified. I was quite sure I would literally rather die than become like my parents and inflict that suffering on my own child. I felt this conviction incredibly strongly and deeply. And so until the age of about 25, I held fast to the deep, deep conviction that I would NOT get pregnant. I would NOT let the cycle continue. I WOULD be stronger than my parents. I truly feared having children and messing up their lives more than anything.
It took a very long time, some good friends, healthy relationships, a lot of soul-searching, and making my way in the world without my parents before the first cracks started to appear in this fortress I had constructed psychologically. I started to trust myself. I started to see myself as NOT being like my parents, or genetically doomed or fated to follow their example. I began to see my parents as pitiable and flawed, and appreciate my own ability to thrive independently and in spite of them. I saw that I was trustworthy and I could avoid their mistakes. And I believe directly as a result of this, and of simply growing older, as well as interacting with more children (my nephew, etc.) I began to feel more and more comfortable with the idea of having children.
I realize you are not me. However, I get the sense that a lot of this decision is based on fear for you- fear of being like your mom, fear of hurting your kids. Fear is something unhealthy in nearly all cases that should be explored psychologically and faced head-on, with the help of a therapist if necessary. Your childhood and crappy parenting should not have a deep effect on your life past a certain point in adulthood and the healing process.
That does not mean that you do not also have completely valid other reasons not to have kids. But anything motivated by fear, in my opinion, is worth overcoming.
I hope this helped at all. Good luck.
posted by quincunx at 12:12 PM on April 12, 2015 [13 favorites]
This is why people get dogs (or cats.) Seriously though, I had the two kids I knew were my physical and psychological max. One part of me, however, loves babies and always wanted six kids running around the house. It just would be so wrong for me. When my broody feelings became impossible to ignore I got a dog. And then another dog. I love my dogs; I get to baby them, coo at them and buy them cute toys to play with. They're not in favor of adorable outfits but I can deal.
I'm not saying to run out and get a pet, they are long term commitments. I'm just saying your feeling are natural, normal, and there are ways to engage with them without bringing tiny humans into it.
posted by Requiax at 12:56 PM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm not saying to run out and get a pet, they are long term commitments. I'm just saying your feeling are natural, normal, and there are ways to engage with them without bringing tiny humans into it.
posted by Requiax at 12:56 PM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
How do I deal? Has anyone else had this, er, problem?
Just wanted to chime in and say I’m in the same boat as you. I’m 36, and as my mother so kindly reminded me over Easter weekend, my “window is closing.” And I’m totally good with not ever having kids. (Yes, I told her, as I’ve been telling her for about 20 years, even though she thinks I’ll change my mind. Do not get me started.) I work with kids, and I love my job (actually quit a better paying job to go back to this one, which I had before the better paying job), and I think they’re awesome and hilarious. Just yesterday, we visited my sister-in-law and neice (3 years old), and it was the best Saturday I’ve had in a long time.
But yeah, I’m good on kids, thx. I had a whole huge paragraph written out about why I don't want kids but....you know.
How do you deal? You deal by really, really thinking about if being child-free is right for you. Over a period of years. See how you feel when you're in your early 30s. Your profile says you’re 26, so my mom would say you have time. ;)
posted by AlisonM at 1:07 PM on April 12, 2015
Just wanted to chime in and say I’m in the same boat as you. I’m 36, and as my mother so kindly reminded me over Easter weekend, my “window is closing.” And I’m totally good with not ever having kids. (Yes, I told her, as I’ve been telling her for about 20 years, even though she thinks I’ll change my mind. Do not get me started.) I work with kids, and I love my job (actually quit a better paying job to go back to this one, which I had before the better paying job), and I think they’re awesome and hilarious. Just yesterday, we visited my sister-in-law and neice (3 years old), and it was the best Saturday I’ve had in a long time.
But yeah, I’m good on kids, thx. I had a whole huge paragraph written out about why I don't want kids but....you know.
How do you deal? You deal by really, really thinking about if being child-free is right for you. Over a period of years. See how you feel when you're in your early 30s. Your profile says you’re 26, so my mom would say you have time. ;)
posted by AlisonM at 1:07 PM on April 12, 2015
I am in a similar boat! At a certain age, you have to constantly make disparaging remarks about children to stave off all of the "when are you having your own?" comments. I had a late period a couple months ago and was afraid my husband would be like "welllll what if we keep it?" and I started wondering "what if...?". Instead he was like "I'm fully committed to our childfree lifestyle and will be there when you have the abortion". My period came and I was flooded with relief and realized that wondering what it would be like to be a parent, appreciating my friends' cute babies and squeeing over small clothes isn't being a traitor to my no-kid-wanting self. In fact, or means I'm not a child-hating monster, yay! It's ok to approve of other people doing things that aren't for you! And it's ok to have kids or not have them. Life is long and you still have time to decide one way or the other. However I'm considering getting my tubes tied because I really don't want my "squee!" side to take over for my rational side. Kids would ruin me, and I would run-them! Anyway yes other people have been there and yes you're allowed to feel this way and no it doesn't mean you're going to make a decision you regret!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 1:12 PM on April 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 1:12 PM on April 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
it's also possible that you're just a bit lonely, living away from your home, and looking for cuteness gives you that extra bit of extended human connection you need. Maybe plan to get a kitten or puppy when you get home - that will give you something to focus those feelings on and make happy plans about.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:30 PM on April 12, 2015
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:30 PM on April 12, 2015
Best answer: I have occasional daydreams of running off to live in Spain. Or of starting a brand-new career. Or of opening a B&B. Or of buying a ranch. Or of getting a Ph.D. Or of dying my hair red and opening an art gallery. Or or or...
They're all things I probably could do, in the barest possible sense of "could," and aspects of them would probably be fun, and they're definitely fun to think about, but just because I'm daydreaming does not mean that I need to follow through on any of them. (And I actually really like my current life and goals, none of which would be possible if I followed through on any of those daydreams.) You sound like you're thinking that daydreaming about something automatically means you want it in reality, that daydreams themselves are dangerous or commands or something. It's ok to daydream about what life would be like if you had a kid, and still not want to have a kid. It's also ok to want a kid, and still decide not to have a kid. And, of course, it's ok to change your mind and decide to have a kid, but daydreaming about children is not an automatic road there.
posted by jaguar at 1:31 PM on April 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
They're all things I probably could do, in the barest possible sense of "could," and aspects of them would probably be fun, and they're definitely fun to think about, but just because I'm daydreaming does not mean that I need to follow through on any of them. (And I actually really like my current life and goals, none of which would be possible if I followed through on any of those daydreams.) You sound like you're thinking that daydreaming about something automatically means you want it in reality, that daydreams themselves are dangerous or commands or something. It's ok to daydream about what life would be like if you had a kid, and still not want to have a kid. It's also ok to want a kid, and still decide not to have a kid. And, of course, it's ok to change your mind and decide to have a kid, but daydreaming about children is not an automatic road there.
posted by jaguar at 1:31 PM on April 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I'm thirty. I don't want kids either and my friends all know this. The other day I was hanging out with a friend while she was babysitting her little niece, and I played with this kid a little bit because, well, it's not like we were gonna discuss politics, right? But we both get that balls are fun to throw around, so that is what we did. A few days later, another friend heard about this incident and mentioned it to me with eyebrows raised like this signified some important sign that I was being "converted" to the child-rearing camp.
I've noticed that people have started doing this more the older I get. It's really quite weird. The belief seems to be that people who are planning on not having kids just haven't spent enough time with them to realize how great they are. This is not the case. I play with my little cousins all the time, because they're really damn cute, and kids are fun to play with. (The kids are also often the most agreeable people at family gatherings, so I gravitate toward them naturally.)
I play with dogs, too, because dogs are awesome and cute and hilarious. But I don't really plan on getting my own dog anytime in the near future. Little things are cute and I don't really know why, but that has basically zero bearing on my plans, which are informed by careful consideration of what I value and how I want my life to be, not my gut reaction to playing catch with a five year old.
So I wonder how much of is just that you're hitting a certain age where you're "supposed" to be obsessed with children and you and/or others are now re-interpreting your appreciation of cute things as a "nesting instinct."
posted by deathpanels at 1:32 PM on April 12, 2015 [9 favorites]
I've noticed that people have started doing this more the older I get. It's really quite weird. The belief seems to be that people who are planning on not having kids just haven't spent enough time with them to realize how great they are. This is not the case. I play with my little cousins all the time, because they're really damn cute, and kids are fun to play with. (The kids are also often the most agreeable people at family gatherings, so I gravitate toward them naturally.)
I play with dogs, too, because dogs are awesome and cute and hilarious. But I don't really plan on getting my own dog anytime in the near future. Little things are cute and I don't really know why, but that has basically zero bearing on my plans, which are informed by careful consideration of what I value and how I want my life to be, not my gut reaction to playing catch with a five year old.
So I wonder how much of is just that you're hitting a certain age where you're "supposed" to be obsessed with children and you and/or others are now re-interpreting your appreciation of cute things as a "nesting instinct."
posted by deathpanels at 1:32 PM on April 12, 2015 [9 favorites]
It is ok to like kids without ever wanting them for yourself. Friends of yours will have kids, or relatives will, or you can volunteer. You can do the volunteering thing now, if you want more kidness in your life.
It is also ok to change your mind about kids, if that is what happens. I think you have some selfawareness that it isn't a decision you should make rashly, and that's a good sign. Either way you are neither your mother nor your hormones. So just promise yourself that if you ever do start thinking more seriously in a kid direction, that you will first try other ways to get the kidness in your life.
As for me, I am now in my midthirties and have never really been too keen on kids; plus for career reasons it is totally off the table right now. But I love me some baby socks-- so every friend or relative who has a kid gets socks. Seems ok so far.
posted by nat at 1:33 PM on April 12, 2015
It is also ok to change your mind about kids, if that is what happens. I think you have some selfawareness that it isn't a decision you should make rashly, and that's a good sign. Either way you are neither your mother nor your hormones. So just promise yourself that if you ever do start thinking more seriously in a kid direction, that you will first try other ways to get the kidness in your life.
As for me, I am now in my midthirties and have never really been too keen on kids; plus for career reasons it is totally off the table right now. But I love me some baby socks-- so every friend or relative who has a kid gets socks. Seems ok so far.
posted by nat at 1:33 PM on April 12, 2015
Get one of those surgical implant birth control options that last for years and then just enjoy the cuteness around you.
We tend to believe the stories we tell ourselves as children for way too long. Your mom should have never been a mother. That doesn't mean that you should never have been born. It also doesn't mean that you can't be a mother. Claim your place in the world. She was wrong, always has been wrong, and always will be wrong. Don't let her write your story.
posted by myselfasme at 2:12 PM on April 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
We tend to believe the stories we tell ourselves as children for way too long. Your mom should have never been a mother. That doesn't mean that you should never have been born. It also doesn't mean that you can't be a mother. Claim your place in the world. She was wrong, always has been wrong, and always will be wrong. Don't let her write your story.
posted by myselfasme at 2:12 PM on April 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
I should never have been a mom. I was too damaged, but didn't realise it at the time. All my life I wanted to be a mom. I assumed that I would be a single mom, like my mother. The odd thing was getting married and living with my husband for 15 years before adopting. That was then. Last Tuesday I got back from a 7-week trip visiting my daughter and being with her at the hospital while she squeezed out her first kid and then helping her care for the baby the first four weeks of his life.
If you haven't popped out a kid or watched it happen in real life, you don't appreciate the violence, pain and risks involved. Stitching her up afterward was a 2-hour thing. She had some minor complications after; had some before as well. And now she has, essentially, a leech stuck to her for the next 6 months or so. He's a loveable leech; I'm totally sweet on the kid. But as Elizabeth Gilbert's sister told her in Eat, Pray, Love, having a kid is like getting a tattoo on your face: You need to be committed.
In Daniel Gilbert's Stumbling on Happiness, he writes about the research around parenting. Unsurprisingly, couples are happiest before they have children and after they leave home. That doesn't mean having children is a doomed enterprise or that they are nothing but drudgery or that there is no joy or happiness to be found as a parent. It does mean that we've all been sold a load of nonsense about babies and you, gentle poster, are wise to regard your potential change of heart with some suspicion.
You are not me. You may well be a wonderful parent (as I became in my later years). But that's not the point. The point is that you can have your feelings, as others have noted, without acting on them until and unless you decide you need to act on them. In Al-Anon, we talk about the 3 As: Awareness (hmm, I'm having these feelings), Acceptance (there's nothing I can do at this moment except feel what I feel), Action (this is what I want to do, or not do, as a result of this issue coming up). So really, it's fine to do just what you are doing, noting the feelings as they ebb and flow but not doing anything else unless you really, really, no kidding decide you want to.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:25 PM on April 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you haven't popped out a kid or watched it happen in real life, you don't appreciate the violence, pain and risks involved. Stitching her up afterward was a 2-hour thing. She had some minor complications after; had some before as well. And now she has, essentially, a leech stuck to her for the next 6 months or so. He's a loveable leech; I'm totally sweet on the kid. But as Elizabeth Gilbert's sister told her in Eat, Pray, Love, having a kid is like getting a tattoo on your face: You need to be committed.
In Daniel Gilbert's Stumbling on Happiness, he writes about the research around parenting. Unsurprisingly, couples are happiest before they have children and after they leave home. That doesn't mean having children is a doomed enterprise or that they are nothing but drudgery or that there is no joy or happiness to be found as a parent. It does mean that we've all been sold a load of nonsense about babies and you, gentle poster, are wise to regard your potential change of heart with some suspicion.
You are not me. You may well be a wonderful parent (as I became in my later years). But that's not the point. The point is that you can have your feelings, as others have noted, without acting on them until and unless you decide you need to act on them. In Al-Anon, we talk about the 3 As: Awareness (hmm, I'm having these feelings), Acceptance (there's nothing I can do at this moment except feel what I feel), Action (this is what I want to do, or not do, as a result of this issue coming up). So really, it's fine to do just what you are doing, noting the feelings as they ebb and flow but not doing anything else unless you really, really, no kidding decide you want to.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:25 PM on April 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. I think there's a hormonal, borge-like thing where once you have a kid, you feel a compulsion to get everyone else to have one, too. I try to reign this in in myself because I was one of those people who changed their mind about kids. Honestly, now that I have one, I see both sides of it. I see the both the joy and the exhaustion. It's a very light/dark experience on the daily.
2. I see this "nesting" thing you are talking about in some childfree folks. I think you are right and it is related to children. However, in terms of an outlet, I don't really see anything unhealthy about it. I suppose if it took on a hoarder character, that would be different. If you are open to it, acting as a foster for animals or as a "big sister" to a kid who needs that influence could be very satisfying.
3. Just remember you are you and there's no wrong way to be you.
posted by amanda at 6:54 PM on April 12, 2015
2. I see this "nesting" thing you are talking about in some childfree folks. I think you are right and it is related to children. However, in terms of an outlet, I don't really see anything unhealthy about it. I suppose if it took on a hoarder character, that would be different. If you are open to it, acting as a foster for animals or as a "big sister" to a kid who needs that influence could be very satisfying.
3. Just remember you are you and there's no wrong way to be you.
posted by amanda at 6:54 PM on April 12, 2015
Just wanted to say that I'm nearly 50 and never wanted to have kids. I never had the cute cravings you describe, but I did have the same (or very similar) situation where my own Mother probably would have been better off not being a Mom, and I did waffle back and forth a bit, based mostly on other people telling me how incredibly much I was going to regret my choice not to have kids. Well, guess what, I have NEVER regretted it, not for a moment! I never got the exploding hormone clock thing that everyone predicted either. I think the face tattoo annalogy is accurate, if you find yourself feeling that level of commitment to the idea, go for it! Otherwise I don't think you'll really have much trouble riding out these natural little side trips to "what if" land.
As another side note, dogs make wonderfully fulfilling companions you can care for. I get a kid fix too as part of a therapy team, where my dog and I spend time at libraries and schools, helping kids who are having trouble with reading.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:15 PM on April 12, 2015
As another side note, dogs make wonderfully fulfilling companions you can care for. I get a kid fix too as part of a therapy team, where my dog and I spend time at libraries and schools, helping kids who are having trouble with reading.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:15 PM on April 12, 2015
Oh and PS, I love your user name OP. I read the whole Sabriel series!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:18 PM on April 12, 2015
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:18 PM on April 12, 2015
I'm in a similar situation in that I don't want kids, my mom regretted having kids and made that clear (it's complicated because of course she loves us but also it was not what she thought it would be and the drudge work of taking care of others relentlessly was not what she realized being a mother was mostly about), and sometimes I wonder if I'm wrong and making a mistake. I'm in my 30s and the idea of stability and a family and little cuties around has definitely popped into my head more than it ever did at any other point in my life.
But guess what? You can have kids without birthing them. Adoption is great. Fostering is great. Marrying a guy who has kids from a previous marriage is great. Being the super-available friend or aunt who is like a second mom is great. There are options and the narrow idea of "mom" might not be serving you well here. See how you feel in a year or two or five. Pay attention to how you feel and make conscious choices that are logical and work for you based on those feelings. Take your time. You do not have to physically have kids to be a mom, so take the pressure off a bit.
posted by sockermom at 9:43 PM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
But guess what? You can have kids without birthing them. Adoption is great. Fostering is great. Marrying a guy who has kids from a previous marriage is great. Being the super-available friend or aunt who is like a second mom is great. There are options and the narrow idea of "mom" might not be serving you well here. See how you feel in a year or two or five. Pay attention to how you feel and make conscious choices that are logical and work for you based on those feelings. Take your time. You do not have to physically have kids to be a mom, so take the pressure off a bit.
posted by sockermom at 9:43 PM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
It actually never occurred to me that having kids was something I might want to do until very lately (in my very late 30s) - just had nothing to do with my idea of myself, my goals, or my situation, variously. Lately, I've been thinking it'd be kind of amazing to watch one develop in real time, it'd be neat to see the world through fresh eyes, they crack me up, and sure, the awws. I think this is a little romanticized, though - I'm pretty sure they're not hilarious and/or fascinating 100% of the time. But it's a brand new feeling, and my take on it conforms with what people are saying - I can have one or not have one, and life will be interesting, either way, and really it's up to me entirely.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:06 PM on April 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:06 PM on April 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
You can like something and appreciate it and get enjoyment from it and even fantasize about it while knowing that it's not for you, knowing that your appreciation and enjoyment are in part contingent on you not having to deal with the unattractive realities that closer engagement would bring. That is a normal and ok thing. As you obviously know, with babies (and other things with a pulse), it's very important to remember that they don't have an off switch, because if you get into a creature-having situation when your judgement lapses the consequences can be shittier than if you jump into something like opening a coffee/book shop where failure doesn't necessarily damage a living thing that depends on you for everything.
That having been said, if you do find yourself pregnant and excited about it (maybe mixed with doubt and fear) or possibly just feeling unwilling to terminate or go the adoption route, and carrying to term and raising a human (much to the surprise and embarrassment of your former/current self) it is important to remember that you are not your mother, and you may get something out of parenting that your mother did not, and you may be in a position to parent more consciously and better than your mother did. People do this all the time.
Also? Finding cute things cute is ok, even in America (I think?). You do you.
posted by you must supply a verb at 2:01 AM on April 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
That having been said, if you do find yourself pregnant and excited about it (maybe mixed with doubt and fear) or possibly just feeling unwilling to terminate or go the adoption route, and carrying to term and raising a human (much to the surprise and embarrassment of your former/current self) it is important to remember that you are not your mother, and you may get something out of parenting that your mother did not, and you may be in a position to parent more consciously and better than your mother did. People do this all the time.
Also? Finding cute things cute is ok, even in America (I think?). You do you.
posted by you must supply a verb at 2:01 AM on April 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
And it's also okay to change your mind if that's what happens.
Having children is a big, monumental decision and I think it's good that you're revisiting the idea. No matter which way you decide to go, you'll be more certain that you made the right decision if you work through all the positives and negatives again now that you're a little older than you were when you decided the first time. What matters isn't whether you have kids or not but that you're happy with your own decisiion.
No two people have the same kids or the same experiences before, during, or after having them. No two pregnancies are alike, some kids are easier to raise than others, and the rest of it's a crap shoot, if you want to know the truth. Some kids are easy as babies but a real handful as a teen - or older - don't ever believe raising children ends when the kid turns 18! Other kids are enough to drive you crazy when they're little and turn out to be the most marvelous young adults you ever met.
A lousy childhood is not a reason to forego having children - not in itself, anyway. If you talk to children who have "turned out well," you'll find a great number of them, if not the majority, were raised by a parent or both parents who were themselves abused or neglected as children. The old saw about how if you were beaten as a child you'll beat your own child is a bunch of BS - that's way, WAY oversimplified and serves best as a theory for the academics to pursue til hell freezeth over. The truth is that many of us who had horrific childhoods made one very serious commitment along with our commitment to give birth, that being that we will never - absolutely never - harm a child if we're fortunate enough to have one. That's just as common as the other way around - which accounts for many of the undisciplined "spoiled brats" that we've populated our land with - they're kids whose parents have been dedicated to being a GOOD parent, the kind of role model that will continue through the generations instead of the kind of role model they were raised by; these parents have been there for their kids all the way and they're proud of having overcome some things they weren't sure they ever could. Because life is complicated - everyone's is.
Some people have children and regret it - again, it isn't 100% perfect - it's work and it's certainly not for someone who needs immediate positive feedback - it's an exercise in patience and fortitude, but it's also an experience that, for most, opens a whole new awareness of some sort of inner identity that we carry - that thing that every time we look at our offspring is like the most amazing thing in the universe is standing right here in my kitchen!
The most important thing is that you decide strictly for yourself how you feel about it, without allowing influence from the deliciousness of babies or the horror stories, either one. You don't have to play by anyone's rules except your own in this department and you owe no explanation to anyone regardless of which choice you make. Also - unless this is the day your ovaries are being removed, you have time to think it all over very carefully.
Then, when you've decided - no regrets, no second thoughts or rueing the day, etc. That's the way it's going to be, folks! You'll make the right decision.
FWIW, my grandmother and her mother didn't get along; my mother and her mother (grandmother) didn't get along; my mother and myself didn't get along; my daughter and I had about 20 years of hard times but for the last 10 years or so we're good, good friends - sincerely good friends - and my daughter and her daughter have been incredibly close and still are - there are no signs of the mother/daughter thing that seemed to be the holding pattern in our family - the pattern is broken, and about time, too. (daughter is 49, granddaughter 27).
posted by aryma at 3:20 AM on April 13, 2015
Having children is a big, monumental decision and I think it's good that you're revisiting the idea. No matter which way you decide to go, you'll be more certain that you made the right decision if you work through all the positives and negatives again now that you're a little older than you were when you decided the first time. What matters isn't whether you have kids or not but that you're happy with your own decisiion.
No two people have the same kids or the same experiences before, during, or after having them. No two pregnancies are alike, some kids are easier to raise than others, and the rest of it's a crap shoot, if you want to know the truth. Some kids are easy as babies but a real handful as a teen - or older - don't ever believe raising children ends when the kid turns 18! Other kids are enough to drive you crazy when they're little and turn out to be the most marvelous young adults you ever met.
A lousy childhood is not a reason to forego having children - not in itself, anyway. If you talk to children who have "turned out well," you'll find a great number of them, if not the majority, were raised by a parent or both parents who were themselves abused or neglected as children. The old saw about how if you were beaten as a child you'll beat your own child is a bunch of BS - that's way, WAY oversimplified and serves best as a theory for the academics to pursue til hell freezeth over. The truth is that many of us who had horrific childhoods made one very serious commitment along with our commitment to give birth, that being that we will never - absolutely never - harm a child if we're fortunate enough to have one. That's just as common as the other way around - which accounts for many of the undisciplined "spoiled brats" that we've populated our land with - they're kids whose parents have been dedicated to being a GOOD parent, the kind of role model that will continue through the generations instead of the kind of role model they were raised by; these parents have been there for their kids all the way and they're proud of having overcome some things they weren't sure they ever could. Because life is complicated - everyone's is.
Some people have children and regret it - again, it isn't 100% perfect - it's work and it's certainly not for someone who needs immediate positive feedback - it's an exercise in patience and fortitude, but it's also an experience that, for most, opens a whole new awareness of some sort of inner identity that we carry - that thing that every time we look at our offspring is like the most amazing thing in the universe is standing right here in my kitchen!
The most important thing is that you decide strictly for yourself how you feel about it, without allowing influence from the deliciousness of babies or the horror stories, either one. You don't have to play by anyone's rules except your own in this department and you owe no explanation to anyone regardless of which choice you make. Also - unless this is the day your ovaries are being removed, you have time to think it all over very carefully.
Then, when you've decided - no regrets, no second thoughts or rueing the day, etc. That's the way it's going to be, folks! You'll make the right decision.
FWIW, my grandmother and her mother didn't get along; my mother and her mother (grandmother) didn't get along; my mother and myself didn't get along; my daughter and I had about 20 years of hard times but for the last 10 years or so we're good, good friends - sincerely good friends - and my daughter and her daughter have been incredibly close and still are - there are no signs of the mother/daughter thing that seemed to be the holding pattern in our family - the pattern is broken, and about time, too. (daughter is 49, granddaughter 27).
posted by aryma at 3:20 AM on April 13, 2015
I have also been thinking about this of late, prompted by noticing that I've gone from the defensive no-no-kids-are-awful I'm not having anything to do with them you can't make me of my mid 20s to being willing to hang out and interact with my friends' babies and kids, and from my insistence that I'd be a terrible parent to the idea that actually I'd be a pretty awesome parent, and being occasionally sorry that it's not going to happen. I guess this is partly bio-clock (I'm 30) and partly an increase in the number of my friends having kids (and some of those friends proving that kids don't need to 100% take over your life), and partly that I no longer feel the need to be as defensive about it as I was when I was younger.
I did spend a while terrified that my mind and body would betray me and I would end up wanting kids. But on examination of that, what hasn't changed is my belief that if you have a kid you need to be in for the long haul and to love and support that kid to the best of your ability no matter what, and while I'd be totally cool with doing that for a gay kid or a trans kid or a religious fundamentalist kid or whatever, I'm not willing to commit to that for a severely mentally or physically disabled kid that might be reliant on me for the rest of their life. And that is the dealbreaker for me. Travel and money are the secondary ones.
posted by corvine at 5:21 AM on April 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
I did spend a while terrified that my mind and body would betray me and I would end up wanting kids. But on examination of that, what hasn't changed is my belief that if you have a kid you need to be in for the long haul and to love and support that kid to the best of your ability no matter what, and while I'd be totally cool with doing that for a gay kid or a trans kid or a religious fundamentalist kid or whatever, I'm not willing to commit to that for a severely mentally or physically disabled kid that might be reliant on me for the rest of their life. And that is the dealbreaker for me. Travel and money are the secondary ones.
posted by corvine at 5:21 AM on April 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
I do kind of understand what you are talking about, but I don't understand the "how to deal" thing. I don't really get what you're "dealing" with? Seeing things that make you go "awww"? I'm honestly not trying to be flippant, I just sincerely don't understand what the problem is. I mean, I honestly and truly do NOT want to get pregnant or have bio-babies but that choice doesn't somehow exclude me from seeing other babies as cute. Deciding not to have babies of your own doesn't mean you have to find ALL babies (and all baby related things) undesirable. You aren't being a hypocrite. Seriously, I have a bunch of friends and cousins who have babies and I think their babies are adorable and am happy to pick them up and play with them, etc.
For what its worth, I'm 33 and have no interest in baring children for a whole cornucopia of reason. I have felt for a very long time that having babies was just not for me, and I have some medical things now that make me extra sure having biobabies is not for me. A couple recent pregnancy scares despite being on the pill struck me with utter horror and terror with a "GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!" reaction (not the "Oh, I wonder, maybe we could..." response that apparently a lot of people get). Thank god I wasn't pregnant, but it cemented that I'm just not the baby making type. I'm married and am super pumped that I got a step son out of the deal (an awesome step son) but I am also super pumped that my husband has an appointment to speak to a specialist about a vasectomy because he doesn't want more kids either. So I get where you are coming from.
I hate to say this, because I hate it when people tell me that I'm going to change my mind etc, but it sounds like you're unsure of your decision to not have babies. The fact that you are finding your liking child-related things adorable etc so difficult to bear and problematic makes me agree with others above, that you are worried you are going to change your mind and decide you DO want kids someday. You may not, you may forever decide you don't want kids, but it is okay if you do change your mind, same is it is okay to not change your mind. Seriously, its okay. It is okay to not want something now and then later on down the road decide you do want something. It is also okay to not want something now and spend your whole life never wanting it.
So quit trying to self censor or put yourself under some sort of adorableness restriction. Just exist, live, be happy. It is totally cool to coo and "awww" at cute things. If you don't want babies then don't have babies, but that decision doesn't need to mean anything more than that. It doesn't preclude you from loving other people's babies.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:10 AM on April 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
For what its worth, I'm 33 and have no interest in baring children for a whole cornucopia of reason. I have felt for a very long time that having babies was just not for me, and I have some medical things now that make me extra sure having biobabies is not for me. A couple recent pregnancy scares despite being on the pill struck me with utter horror and terror with a "GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!" reaction (not the "Oh, I wonder, maybe we could..." response that apparently a lot of people get). Thank god I wasn't pregnant, but it cemented that I'm just not the baby making type. I'm married and am super pumped that I got a step son out of the deal (an awesome step son) but I am also super pumped that my husband has an appointment to speak to a specialist about a vasectomy because he doesn't want more kids either. So I get where you are coming from.
I hate to say this, because I hate it when people tell me that I'm going to change my mind etc, but it sounds like you're unsure of your decision to not have babies. The fact that you are finding your liking child-related things adorable etc so difficult to bear and problematic makes me agree with others above, that you are worried you are going to change your mind and decide you DO want kids someday. You may not, you may forever decide you don't want kids, but it is okay if you do change your mind, same is it is okay to not change your mind. Seriously, its okay. It is okay to not want something now and then later on down the road decide you do want something. It is also okay to not want something now and spend your whole life never wanting it.
So quit trying to self censor or put yourself under some sort of adorableness restriction. Just exist, live, be happy. It is totally cool to coo and "awww" at cute things. If you don't want babies then don't have babies, but that decision doesn't need to mean anything more than that. It doesn't preclude you from loving other people's babies.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:10 AM on April 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Not only is it okay to change your mind (and yes, I concur, it is) it's also not really changing your mind if you want something that you did not want before.
This morning, right after breakfast, I decidedly did not want dinner. Now it's early evening, and sure, I want to have dinner. Have I changed my mind? No, I'm in a different phase of my day now and want different things.
posted by Too-Ticky at 9:53 AM on April 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
This morning, right after breakfast, I decidedly did not want dinner. Now it's early evening, and sure, I want to have dinner. Have I changed my mind? No, I'm in a different phase of my day now and want different things.
posted by Too-Ticky at 9:53 AM on April 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the advice and personal thoughts on the matter, even the ones that don't get my reason for posting, which is understandable as it can't truly have a definite answer per say.
I suppose one thing that brought this to the forefront was a particular conversation the other week where, as deathpanels and a few others mentioned above, someone assumed offhand that kids were in my future in a weird way. Long story short: I got frustrated at work regarding something akin to public speaking (newly found that I get really, really nervous, yay! lol) and went to the bathroom to take some deep breaths and calm down and not look like I was totally freaking out and figure out why I was freaking out in the first place for a few minutes. Supervisor, also a woman, came in, insisted on talking with me by demanding I come out of the stall, invaded my personal (emotional? mental?) space and did a very poor job at attempting to give a pep talk. She attempted to use kids as a "this isn't the only/worst frustration you'll face in your life" by saying "I mean, are you going to have kids?" When I replied "No", she snorted and said "Well, of course you'll have kids, you'll probably have 3, so you've gotta know how to deal with this kind of stuff because how would you set an exa-" when I more or less cut her off, said she was being incredibly insulting, and had to derail the whole polite please-leave-me-be-already angle I was committing to by then further explaining to her how that was being rude. Very strange, very much felt like a weird punt right in the cooch, very much made me vomit in my mouth a little, besides already being a mind-fuck from her attempt at supervisor-ly advice and actually making me feel way worse overall.
So, obviously, some of that, some of the "oh god I like cute things", and a mix of other random stuff has been creating a cocktail that's been semi-irrationally gnawing at me. Again, seriously, thank you for the words of wisdom. I've taken some very long, long relaxing baths and been drinking a metric fuck ton of tea since, heh. Lots to relax about, it seems.
posted by DisreputableDog at 1:18 PM on April 14, 2015
I suppose one thing that brought this to the forefront was a particular conversation the other week where, as deathpanels and a few others mentioned above, someone assumed offhand that kids were in my future in a weird way. Long story short: I got frustrated at work regarding something akin to public speaking (newly found that I get really, really nervous, yay! lol) and went to the bathroom to take some deep breaths and calm down and not look like I was totally freaking out and figure out why I was freaking out in the first place for a few minutes. Supervisor, also a woman, came in, insisted on talking with me by demanding I come out of the stall, invaded my personal (emotional? mental?) space and did a very poor job at attempting to give a pep talk. She attempted to use kids as a "this isn't the only/worst frustration you'll face in your life" by saying "I mean, are you going to have kids?" When I replied "No", she snorted and said "Well, of course you'll have kids, you'll probably have 3, so you've gotta know how to deal with this kind of stuff because how would you set an exa-" when I more or less cut her off, said she was being incredibly insulting, and had to derail the whole polite please-leave-me-be-already angle I was committing to by then further explaining to her how that was being rude. Very strange, very much felt like a weird punt right in the cooch, very much made me vomit in my mouth a little, besides already being a mind-fuck from her attempt at supervisor-ly advice and actually making me feel way worse overall.
So, obviously, some of that, some of the "oh god I like cute things", and a mix of other random stuff has been creating a cocktail that's been semi-irrationally gnawing at me. Again, seriously, thank you for the words of wisdom. I've taken some very long, long relaxing baths and been drinking a metric fuck ton of tea since, heh. Lots to relax about, it seems.
posted by DisreputableDog at 1:18 PM on April 14, 2015
Holy mother of pearl, your supervisor is the antichrist. Wow. I'm so sorry.
In case it isn't obvious or needs saying out loud by another human, not a single thing she said or did was correct or appropriate.
I'm so sorry. Jesus.
posted by you must supply a verb at 3:24 PM on April 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
In case it isn't obvious or needs saying out loud by another human, not a single thing she said or did was correct or appropriate.
I'm so sorry. Jesus.
posted by you must supply a verb at 3:24 PM on April 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Props to you for cutting her off.
Damn.
On the other hand if you're coming back to the US next year her part in the problem should fix itself soon-- unless she's coming too.
(Also worth saying: *even if* you do eventually have kids, she's not right. Right now, you don't want kids in your life and you don't see them in your future. Her refusal to recognize and trust your stated belief on the matter is, frankly, bullshit.)
posted by nat at 3:13 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
Damn.
On the other hand if you're coming back to the US next year her part in the problem should fix itself soon-- unless she's coming too.
(Also worth saying: *even if* you do eventually have kids, she's not right. Right now, you don't want kids in your life and you don't see them in your future. Her refusal to recognize and trust your stated belief on the matter is, frankly, bullshit.)
posted by nat at 3:13 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
God I HATED people like your supervisor when I was younger! Now I hate the people who say pityingly , "You never had any kids?!!!" Like they just can't belive how emotionally impoverished I must feel about my tragic, wasted life.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 10:28 PM on May 7, 2015
posted by WalkerWestridge at 10:28 PM on May 7, 2015
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posted by cmoj at 10:57 AM on April 12, 2015 [7 favorites]