Should I Forget Him or is There Still Something There?
March 27, 2015 10:57 AM Subscribe
This guy I met a few months ago has been sending me some very mixed signals for a very long time and I honestly don't know what to make of it. Whenever I'm just about to write him off for ghosting on me, he re-appears and it's like nothing ever happened. Anyone have any advice or tips?
Okay, so here's the deal. Around late December, I met a guy (via dating app channels) and when we met, we hit it off super well (lots of heavy making out but nothing beyond that). He seemed interested in seeing me again, but scheduling anything was made complicated by the fact that it was Christmas and summer vacation time and in this country, people tend to go away for at least a month on "vacation" around Christmas and New Years and into January. We texted almost every day during the entire month or so he was away on vacation, all the while he was promising me that when he returned to the city, we were going to do all of these different fun things that we both enjoy.
He returns to the city and suddenly, whenever we try to schedule an outing, something always seems to come up, either "family is here" or "I'm going out with my guy friends," or "I don't feel like it/I'm tired." He seems very apologetic and somewhat embarrassed by his lack of organization and even seemed disappointed by the way the last date ended (i.e. very early because we were both tired and he ran out of money). He promises that basically "he'll make it up to me somehow."
Then he ghosts. I don't speak to him either. For like 2 weeks or so. I'm just about to write him off until, a few days after Valentines Day, he sends me a message asking me how I am. From that moment, we talk sort of on and off, about different things, nothing *too* personal, though. Then around early March he asks me if I'm going to a concert and I tell him I planned on going and long story short, he says to look for him there and if I see him, to make my presence known and say hi. I go to the concert, I see him, and I walk up and I say hi - remember, this is the first time I have seen him in real life since December. He honestly acts super rude to me, like saying a few words but then basically ignoring me the rest of the time (while I continue to stand next to him, waiting for him to speak to me again) and I leave, angry and pissed off and sad. Later that day he texts me apologizing profusely for his behavior and attributes it to the fact that he was "very tired" and "very focused on the show." I forgive him and I give him the benefit of the doubt because he could just be an introvert like me and I am aware that sometimes, some of my behavior can be misconstrued as rudeness.
Intermittent chatting continues. Whenever I try to be direct with him (something that is very difficult for me to do) and ask him "hey when do you want to hang out again?" he always says "I don't know" or "I have a million of things to do, we'll see." But then like a week or so ago, he asks me out, in this very generalized way, e.g. "we can go out sometime soon?" I try to get a day and a time pinned down, but he comes back with the same "I'm super busy" excuse. I finally say something like "well, when you're done with all of that and you still want to hang out, holler at me," and again, he apologizes.
I'm about to start a masters program here very soon and people keep telling me that I will meet more/better people when I start school, but I don't know, I just can't let go of this guy. We have so much in common and when we do talk about the things we are passionate about, it's great and I've learned so much from him (he is native to this country). Also it helps that he's super, super attractive. Like I alluded to above, I'm living in a different country, so I don't have very many friends and zero family here, so I've been very lonely for the past few months, so perhaps that is bringing me down. I'm also very introverted + shy, which makes it hard for me to befriend people in the context of social activities (classes, interest groups, etc), so I usually depend on these types of dating apps to help me meet new people.
Sorry for rambling, I just felt the need to share as many details as possible to paint an accurate picture of the situation.
Okay, so here's the deal. Around late December, I met a guy (via dating app channels) and when we met, we hit it off super well (lots of heavy making out but nothing beyond that). He seemed interested in seeing me again, but scheduling anything was made complicated by the fact that it was Christmas and summer vacation time and in this country, people tend to go away for at least a month on "vacation" around Christmas and New Years and into January. We texted almost every day during the entire month or so he was away on vacation, all the while he was promising me that when he returned to the city, we were going to do all of these different fun things that we both enjoy.
He returns to the city and suddenly, whenever we try to schedule an outing, something always seems to come up, either "family is here" or "I'm going out with my guy friends," or "I don't feel like it/I'm tired." He seems very apologetic and somewhat embarrassed by his lack of organization and even seemed disappointed by the way the last date ended (i.e. very early because we were both tired and he ran out of money). He promises that basically "he'll make it up to me somehow."
Then he ghosts. I don't speak to him either. For like 2 weeks or so. I'm just about to write him off until, a few days after Valentines Day, he sends me a message asking me how I am. From that moment, we talk sort of on and off, about different things, nothing *too* personal, though. Then around early March he asks me if I'm going to a concert and I tell him I planned on going and long story short, he says to look for him there and if I see him, to make my presence known and say hi. I go to the concert, I see him, and I walk up and I say hi - remember, this is the first time I have seen him in real life since December. He honestly acts super rude to me, like saying a few words but then basically ignoring me the rest of the time (while I continue to stand next to him, waiting for him to speak to me again) and I leave, angry and pissed off and sad. Later that day he texts me apologizing profusely for his behavior and attributes it to the fact that he was "very tired" and "very focused on the show." I forgive him and I give him the benefit of the doubt because he could just be an introvert like me and I am aware that sometimes, some of my behavior can be misconstrued as rudeness.
Intermittent chatting continues. Whenever I try to be direct with him (something that is very difficult for me to do) and ask him "hey when do you want to hang out again?" he always says "I don't know" or "I have a million of things to do, we'll see." But then like a week or so ago, he asks me out, in this very generalized way, e.g. "we can go out sometime soon?" I try to get a day and a time pinned down, but he comes back with the same "I'm super busy" excuse. I finally say something like "well, when you're done with all of that and you still want to hang out, holler at me," and again, he apologizes.
I'm about to start a masters program here very soon and people keep telling me that I will meet more/better people when I start school, but I don't know, I just can't let go of this guy. We have so much in common and when we do talk about the things we are passionate about, it's great and I've learned so much from him (he is native to this country). Also it helps that he's super, super attractive. Like I alluded to above, I'm living in a different country, so I don't have very many friends and zero family here, so I've been very lonely for the past few months, so perhaps that is bringing me down. I'm also very introverted + shy, which makes it hard for me to befriend people in the context of social activities (classes, interest groups, etc), so I usually depend on these types of dating apps to help me meet new people.
Sorry for rambling, I just felt the need to share as many details as possible to paint an accurate picture of the situation.
This guy is a mess. Ditch the whole thing.
posted by something something at 11:03 AM on March 27, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by something something at 11:03 AM on March 27, 2015 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I'm about to start a masters program here very soon and people keep telling me that I will meet more/better people when I start school
You absolutely will. Hotter ones, too. And even if you don't, anyone is better than someone who isn't really into you but keeps you hanging, which is what this guy is doing. (That's the reason you "just can't let go" of this guy-- not because he is so special, but because he's stringing you along.)
posted by kapers at 11:03 AM on March 27, 2015 [13 favorites]
You absolutely will. Hotter ones, too. And even if you don't, anyone is better than someone who isn't really into you but keeps you hanging, which is what this guy is doing. (That's the reason you "just can't let go" of this guy-- not because he is so special, but because he's stringing you along.)
posted by kapers at 11:03 AM on March 27, 2015 [13 favorites]
He's not into you, and on top of that he's been flaky and rude to your face. Block him on your phone and move on. Someone who wants to be with you will not act this way, and instead being with them will make you feel good about yourself.
posted by Dip Flash at 11:03 AM on March 27, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Dip Flash at 11:03 AM on March 27, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Not only is he just not that into you, you deserve (and can get) so much better. Please don't let this guy continue to treat you so poorly. Move on.
I'm about to start a masters program here very soon and people keep telling me that I will meet more/better people when I start school
These people are correct.
I've been very lonely for the past few months
This sucks, and I'm sorry you've been lonely. Can you look into meetups related to hobbies that you like to do? Go on more internet dates? Try for one per week?
posted by sparklemotion at 11:03 AM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm about to start a masters program here very soon and people keep telling me that I will meet more/better people when I start school
These people are correct.
I've been very lonely for the past few months
This sucks, and I'm sorry you've been lonely. Can you look into meetups related to hobbies that you like to do? Go on more internet dates? Try for one per week?
posted by sparklemotion at 11:03 AM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
Ugh what a jerk! There's nothing about your descriptions that reads as anything but "my god, he is such a douche." I don't even know why he bothers to keep contacting you since he obviously doesn't ever want to be in your presence at all, but you should ghost right back on him.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:03 AM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:03 AM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
I just can't let go of this guy Also it helps that he's super, super attractive.
He's a good looking guy who wants to keep you at arms length, getting attention from you whenever it pleases him.
If he wasn't super attractive, would you even be wasting your time?
Seriously, there's not one thing in your post that makes me feel that he's interested in you... not one!
Kick him to the curb, forget about him.... you'll NEVER get what you want from this guy!
posted by JenThePro at 11:04 AM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
He's a good looking guy who wants to keep you at arms length, getting attention from you whenever it pleases him.
If he wasn't super attractive, would you even be wasting your time?
Seriously, there's not one thing in your post that makes me feel that he's interested in you... not one!
Kick him to the curb, forget about him.... you'll NEVER get what you want from this guy!
posted by JenThePro at 11:04 AM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
He's not that into you. From what you said, you've only had one actual date with him? He refused to make plans for any others, and then when you did see him in person, for only the second time, he was rude and blew you off? He's not interested in pursuing anything with you. Sounds like he doesn't mind talking to you occasionally when he gets bored, but obviously doesn't want anything more. He's not even really encouraging you. Answering "I don't know" to a request to hang out should be a pretty blatant sign. Move on. For whatever reason, this is going nowhere.
I mean, put it in perspective, in four months, you've met twice. Even if he keeps stringing you along like this, you think you can make a relationship out of seeing someone six times a year? He's not even really interested in being friends.
posted by catatethebird at 11:07 AM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
I mean, put it in perspective, in four months, you've met twice. Even if he keeps stringing you along like this, you think you can make a relationship out of seeing someone six times a year? He's not even really interested in being friends.
posted by catatethebird at 11:07 AM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
If the chemistry is there otherwise, I would at least call him out on it. "Dude, I'm really not into the flaky thing," and leave it at that.
posted by rhizome at 11:08 AM on March 27, 2015
posted by rhizome at 11:08 AM on March 27, 2015
Best answer: As someone who got involved in an overly complicated, drama-filled, unhealthy relationship because I was otherwise alone in a foreign country, my advice to you is Don't. Seriously. Just don't.
'People' are right - you will meet more people soon and will have the opportunity to develop friendships and maybe even a relationship. But you are far less likely to do that if you are spending all your time on a relationship with someone who has already proven that he can't be bothered to treat you well.
I eventually extracted myself from the one I got stuck in but lost a lot of opportunities to spend time with others along the way. And I basically ended up emotionally dependent on an asshole. Don't make the same mistake.
Plus if there's this much drama this early, there really is nowhere left to go but down.
posted by scrute at 11:08 AM on March 27, 2015 [8 favorites]
'People' are right - you will meet more people soon and will have the opportunity to develop friendships and maybe even a relationship. But you are far less likely to do that if you are spending all your time on a relationship with someone who has already proven that he can't be bothered to treat you well.
I eventually extracted myself from the one I got stuck in but lost a lot of opportunities to spend time with others along the way. And I basically ended up emotionally dependent on an asshole. Don't make the same mistake.
Plus if there's this much drama this early, there really is nowhere left to go but down.
posted by scrute at 11:08 AM on March 27, 2015 [8 favorites]
Let's play Devil's advocate and say that he really is into you.
Do you really want to date someone who is crazy about you and demonstrates it by ignoring you for weeks on end, is cold in person and never wants to get together?
No, of course not, right? This guy is a douche.
posted by kinetic at 11:09 AM on March 27, 2015 [13 favorites]
Do you really want to date someone who is crazy about you and demonstrates it by ignoring you for weeks on end, is cold in person and never wants to get together?
No, of course not, right? This guy is a douche.
posted by kinetic at 11:09 AM on March 27, 2015 [13 favorites]
Oh my God! Just give this up immediately! What a waste of your time and energy! If this guy was really into you, this would not have happened even once, let alone repeatedly. Move on. You'll feel so much better I promise.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:14 AM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:14 AM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yeah, these don't really sound like mixed signals to me. Forget him.
posted by fancyoats at 11:15 AM on March 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by fancyoats at 11:15 AM on March 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
When people tell you they can't hang because they're busy, it means they don't want to see you again and don't want a confrontation. If they really want to see you again they'll make it happen.
posted by bleep at 11:20 AM on March 27, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by bleep at 11:20 AM on March 27, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I think all these people are correct and you should write this guy off, but before you do I think you need to send some kind of communication (email over text) that clearly states that you are done with him and don't want any more contact. Tell him in clear, but polite terms something like this...
Boris, it's been nice chatting with you, but I really prefer to spend my time with people who are able to make time for me. Relationships of any kind really don't work if there's not respect and reciprocity. Best of luck.
Then go no contact. Sending this email isn't really about trying to teach this guy a lesson, it's about you clearly ending things for yourself, developing your own sense of empowerment, and your ability to clearly state what you want, make your needs known, and stand up for yourself in relationships.
posted by brookeb at 11:35 AM on March 27, 2015 [12 favorites]
Boris, it's been nice chatting with you, but I really prefer to spend my time with people who are able to make time for me. Relationships of any kind really don't work if there's not respect and reciprocity. Best of luck.
Then go no contact. Sending this email isn't really about trying to teach this guy a lesson, it's about you clearly ending things for yourself, developing your own sense of empowerment, and your ability to clearly state what you want, make your needs known, and stand up for yourself in relationships.
posted by brookeb at 11:35 AM on March 27, 2015 [12 favorites]
It sounds like he's dating more than one person. If you're cool with that, and particularly if you want to do the same thing, that's OK. If not, you should break things off.
posted by w0mbat at 11:40 AM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by w0mbat at 11:40 AM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
Dear lord no. There was never anything there. Make like a tree and leave. Make like a banana and split. Drop this dude like he's hot.
There are no excuses, and no misunderstandings. He's just not that into you and he's also a kind of dumb, immature game-playing time-waster.
Life is waaaaay too short for this nonsense. Go meet a fellow ex-pat, surely there are some around who are just as lonely as you are.
posted by quincunx at 11:40 AM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
There are no excuses, and no misunderstandings. He's just not that into you and he's also a kind of dumb, immature game-playing time-waster.
Life is waaaaay too short for this nonsense. Go meet a fellow ex-pat, surely there are some around who are just as lonely as you are.
posted by quincunx at 11:40 AM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also it helps that he's super, super attractive.
The way he treats you is super, super ugly. You deserve better. Lose him.
posted by Gelatin at 11:42 AM on March 27, 2015 [14 favorites]
The way he treats you is super, super ugly. You deserve better. Lose him.
posted by Gelatin at 11:42 AM on March 27, 2015 [14 favorites]
I agree with w0mbat, above. I think he's got a girlfriend.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:42 AM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:42 AM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
He was rude to you in person because there was someone around he did not want to see him talking to you -- a woman he's interested in, his brother-in-law, coworkers who know his girlfriend or wife.
He's a dirty lousy cheater piece of shit. Ask me how I know!
posted by jbenben at 11:43 AM on March 27, 2015 [23 favorites]
He's a dirty lousy cheater piece of shit. Ask me how I know!
posted by jbenben at 11:43 AM on March 27, 2015 [23 favorites]
I mean, I could be wrong, but the only time someone ever turned cold like that to me in public, they were a cheater of epic proportions. Either way, he's simply awful and I want you to turn on your heal and walk quickly away if anyone ever does that to you again. People who play power games by breaking the social contract are not worth your time or attention. Move on.
posted by jbenben at 11:49 AM on March 27, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 11:49 AM on March 27, 2015 [6 favorites]
He is a terrible terrible person.
He's not into you and he's a gross pig.
Speaking as an immigrant who knew no one here when I came, you will meet a plethora of hots guys and you'll meet a good one. This guy is not him.
I mean I got so angry reading your post. I hate him.
And as Gelatin said. He is so so ugly.
posted by shesbenevolent at 11:53 AM on March 27, 2015 [6 favorites]
He's not into you and he's a gross pig.
Speaking as an immigrant who knew no one here when I came, you will meet a plethora of hots guys and you'll meet a good one. This guy is not him.
I mean I got so angry reading your post. I hate him.
And as Gelatin said. He is so so ugly.
posted by shesbenevolent at 11:53 AM on March 27, 2015 [6 favorites]
This guy I met a few months ago has been sending me some very mixed signals for a very long time and I honestly don't know what to make of it.
Next!
Seriously, any time you can say this about someone, step 1 is to get them the hell out of your life. There is no step 2.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:55 AM on March 27, 2015 [9 favorites]
Next!
Seriously, any time you can say this about someone, step 1 is to get them the hell out of your life. There is no step 2.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:55 AM on March 27, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I stopped reading at "mixed signals."
People who are genuinely worth your time will not give you mixed signals. They'll want to make sure that you know how interested they are.
If you find yourself tempted to settle for less and/or make excuses for mixed signals, think about whether you would want a good friend of yours to do the same.
Then be that good friend. To yourself.
posted by chicainthecity at 12:06 PM on March 27, 2015 [7 favorites]
People who are genuinely worth your time will not give you mixed signals. They'll want to make sure that you know how interested they are.
If you find yourself tempted to settle for less and/or make excuses for mixed signals, think about whether you would want a good friend of yours to do the same.
Then be that good friend. To yourself.
posted by chicainthecity at 12:06 PM on March 27, 2015 [7 favorites]
On preview, what Ragged Richard said.
posted by chicainthecity at 12:07 PM on March 27, 2015
posted by chicainthecity at 12:07 PM on March 27, 2015
Best answer: The only possible way to keep this going is to ask yourself honestly if you want to be treated like this for the entirety of the relationship. Do you want to always question yourself and your actions and wonder whether you caused him to blow you off or caused his rudeness? Do you want to always be making excuses for his behavior and thinking of reasons why it's not unreasonable when, in anyone else, you would give up and walk away? I warn you that if the answer to these questions is "yes", then you will eventually become completely unsure of your ability to accurately understand any social cues or to add a pattern of behaviors up to determine intention.
I feel with you the way I feel when I see someone much younger than me starting to smoke cigarettes. I want to say, you know this is bad for you, and I'm not telling you to stop because it's bad for you. I'm telling you to stop because when you finally come around to really getting it that it's bad for you, it will be SO HARD to break the addiction. I wish I had never started smoking (I quit 7 years ago but I still get cravings) and I wish I had never started making excuses for the guy I dated for almost ten years who had far too much in common with the guy you describe (I last had contact with him 9 years ago, but I still get cravings).
posted by janey47 at 12:13 PM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
I feel with you the way I feel when I see someone much younger than me starting to smoke cigarettes. I want to say, you know this is bad for you, and I'm not telling you to stop because it's bad for you. I'm telling you to stop because when you finally come around to really getting it that it's bad for you, it will be SO HARD to break the addiction. I wish I had never started smoking (I quit 7 years ago but I still get cravings) and I wish I had never started making excuses for the guy I dated for almost ten years who had far too much in common with the guy you describe (I last had contact with him 9 years ago, but I still get cravings).
posted by janey47 at 12:13 PM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
If he doesn't "fuck yes" about you, keep moving until you find someone who does.
Read this now.
posted by Galen at 12:18 PM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
Read this now.
posted by Galen at 12:18 PM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
He is putting a (very) little effort into stringing you along because he gets some ego boost from your continued interest. I also agree that there is a good chance he is actually with someone else. However, even if that's not true, you should cut all contact. It has been about three months and he hasn't found time to spend with you. That's your signal: in the last 90 days or so he hasn't found even a couple hours to spend with you. That's not the behavior of a single guy who is really interested in you. That's not even the behavior of a guy in a relationship who is particularly interested in having an affair with you.
posted by Area Man at 12:34 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Area Man at 12:34 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
He's treating you the way that he'd treat something that he only needs sometimes, and is grateful in those moments when he actually needs that attention, but doesn't care much about or think about the rest of the time because he just takes for granted it's going to be there in the few and far-between moments he does need it.
You know what else people treat that way?
Toilets.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:38 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
You know what else people treat that way?
Toilets.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:38 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Someone who likes you is going to make it clear they like you. And they will make time for you.
If you feel you must, give him one chance. "Okay, I'm not liking this whole never making plans thing. Pick a day within the next seven for us to do something."
He won't, and you'll have your answer. Or he will, and he'll flake at the last moment, and you'll have your answer. I think a more effective thing for you to do would be to say "So, it's been fun talking to you, and I like you. And you obviously have other stuff going on--I'd rather spend my time on a guy who spends time on me. Take care of yourself." Then delete, block, unfollow, move on.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:40 PM on March 27, 2015
If you feel you must, give him one chance. "Okay, I'm not liking this whole never making plans thing. Pick a day within the next seven for us to do something."
He won't, and you'll have your answer. Or he will, and he'll flake at the last moment, and you'll have your answer. I think a more effective thing for you to do would be to say "So, it's been fun talking to you, and I like you. And you obviously have other stuff going on--I'd rather spend my time on a guy who spends time on me. Take care of yourself." Then delete, block, unfollow, move on.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:40 PM on March 27, 2015
He won't, and you'll have your answer. Or he will, and he'll flake at the last moment, and you'll have your answer.
Or he'll do it once, but not again, and you'll have your answer.
But really, you have your answer. Reread your question, and you'll have your answer.
posted by Gelatin at 12:43 PM on March 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Or he'll do it once, but not again, and you'll have your answer.
But really, you have your answer. Reread your question, and you'll have your answer.
posted by Gelatin at 12:43 PM on March 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
This isn't a nice person.
He's not into anyone except himself. He's not into the girl he is with (because I would bet my bank account that he's in a relationship) nor you, nor anyone else he may be stringing along.
It's not your fault or any of theirs, but his. He is not ready or able to have a relationship. Ditch him. It's better to be alone!
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 12:48 PM on March 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
He's not into anyone except himself. He's not into the girl he is with (because I would bet my bank account that he's in a relationship) nor you, nor anyone else he may be stringing along.
It's not your fault or any of theirs, but his. He is not ready or able to have a relationship. Ditch him. It's better to be alone!
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 12:48 PM on March 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sorry to say this, but it sounds like he's 'fishing' - sending you texts to test whether you're still interested/available so he knows you're there if he wants you. They always come just as you've decided to give up on him right? Sometimes it feels like these boys (I refuse to call them men!) are psychic!
I've been in a similar situation and I know it sucks - when it's good, it's so so good, but other times it feels like hell :( I promise if you let it go, you will feel so much better about yourself - you don't deserve to be strung along like this and be insulted by him. Delete his number, unfriend him on social media, get on with living your life x
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome at 1:08 PM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
I've been in a similar situation and I know it sucks - when it's good, it's so so good, but other times it feels like hell :( I promise if you let it go, you will feel so much better about yourself - you don't deserve to be strung along like this and be insulted by him. Delete his number, unfriend him on social media, get on with living your life x
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome at 1:08 PM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Mixed signals" is a phrase people use for this: 'someone is acting like they don't want to be with me, but sometimes they say things implying they do want to be with me.' Pay attention to the actions, not the words.
posted by wryly at 2:19 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by wryly at 2:19 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow...thank you all so much for your (seemingly unanimous) advice! Yeah, I feel really dumb I guess letting myself get strung on for such a long time, but I guess it's due to how lonely I am here and how truly desperate I am for any type of social interaction, especially if it's romantic. I've always had super low self-esteem and like throw myself into all of my relationships with men and every single time, they always fail. I have never had a serious boyfriend or anything like that before in my life and I'm 23 years old (and I feel like a failure for it).
I will have to say that, though this may be my naïveté speaking, I *don't* think he has a girlfriend (at least not a serious one, he could be seeing other people though, but nothing serious), because at the concert, I didn't really see him talking to any of his other friends or w/e that were there either and the ones he did speak somewhat to were all guys. Also - and this may sound strange - I haven't seen anything on social media that would indicate he has a serious girlfriend either (and I don't think he's the type that would have 2 separate accounts or something like that).
posted by lana0112 at 2:22 PM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
I will have to say that, though this may be my naïveté speaking, I *don't* think he has a girlfriend (at least not a serious one, he could be seeing other people though, but nothing serious), because at the concert, I didn't really see him talking to any of his other friends or w/e that were there either and the ones he did speak somewhat to were all guys. Also - and this may sound strange - I haven't seen anything on social media that would indicate he has a serious girlfriend either (and I don't think he's the type that would have 2 separate accounts or something like that).
posted by lana0112 at 2:22 PM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
It means nothing if you didn't see him with a girlfriend at the concert: he totally didn't want his friends to see him WITH YOU, which means either he did have his 'real' girlfriend there, or they know about his 'real' girlfriend and he didn't want those friends to see him appear to be cheating on her with you. Either way, he is a major douche, and you deserve someone WAY better than him. Him being •that• rude in a public place (where he TOLD you to hunt him up!), when that's only the second time you've actually seen him, really says it all.
Drop him: go totally silent on him, and never respond to any calls or messages he sends.
posted by easily confused at 3:43 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Drop him: go totally silent on him, and never respond to any calls or messages he sends.
posted by easily confused at 3:43 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
This guy reminds me of a guy who I had an on-again-off-again situation with in college. He had been routinely sexually abused as a child and teenager. Consequently, he was simultaneously desperate to please everyone and desperate to make everyone go away by being mean to them. The meanness didn't bother me so much, because I understood that it was a result of his own complexes, and wasn't a comment on me personally. I'd just tell him that I didn't like it and then be a little stand-offish for awhile.
But...the thing is....it really did bother me, in a way that I wasn't able to recognize at the time. I could tell myself intellectually that it was just his response to feeling threatened, but in my heart it just made me feel bad. In the end I realized that I wasn't helping him in any way. I was just letting him verbally abuse me.
I bring this up because I think it's entirely possible that your acquaintance isn't a terrible, terrible person, but maybe someone who actually has some kind of personality disorder, perhaps born from past trauma. That still wouldn't change anything though. No matter what his reasons are, he's still being abusive towards you. You're not his psychiatrist or social worker, and you can't help him. All you can do is chose whether or not to let him treat you badly.
I think the kindest thing you can do for him is to send him a short e-mail letting him know exactly why you don't want to be friends with him. That way he might learn something from the experience.
posted by sam_harms at 4:20 PM on March 27, 2015 [8 favorites]
But...the thing is....it really did bother me, in a way that I wasn't able to recognize at the time. I could tell myself intellectually that it was just his response to feeling threatened, but in my heart it just made me feel bad. In the end I realized that I wasn't helping him in any way. I was just letting him verbally abuse me.
I bring this up because I think it's entirely possible that your acquaintance isn't a terrible, terrible person, but maybe someone who actually has some kind of personality disorder, perhaps born from past trauma. That still wouldn't change anything though. No matter what his reasons are, he's still being abusive towards you. You're not his psychiatrist or social worker, and you can't help him. All you can do is chose whether or not to let him treat you badly.
I think the kindest thing you can do for him is to send him a short e-mail letting him know exactly why you don't want to be friends with him. That way he might learn something from the experience.
posted by sam_harms at 4:20 PM on March 27, 2015 [8 favorites]
Hey, don't feel bad. You gave him the benefit of the doubt. That's a decent thing to do, and hey, we've all been there when it comes to hormones. I think most of us have met our relationship kryptonite, where you know it's so good when it's good, but so bad when it's bad, that the smart thing to do is to just walk away. Add being lonely and a different continent into the mix? Completely understandable how this happened. No one's criticizing you - we're all criticizing him and his behavior.
But, hey, now you know, and can move on, and maybe find someone who is more suitable. Grad school is a great opportunity! Meetups are a great opportunity! Something made you super excited to take this chance to move somewhere new - did you always love the country? Want to learn more about the customs? Take your new free time and fall in love with the place where you're at - really dig in and immerse yourself. You have 1,000 better things to do than to wait around for some goofball - you are an awesome person and worth knowing! You are super adventurous! You are fierce!
And don't worry about being 23 and still looking for a long term relationship. It happens, there's nothing wrong with it and you're not a failure. Sometimes it's a bit of a crapshoot depending on your circumstances - just keep being the best you that you can be.
posted by RogueTech at 8:07 AM on March 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
But, hey, now you know, and can move on, and maybe find someone who is more suitable. Grad school is a great opportunity! Meetups are a great opportunity! Something made you super excited to take this chance to move somewhere new - did you always love the country? Want to learn more about the customs? Take your new free time and fall in love with the place where you're at - really dig in and immerse yourself. You have 1,000 better things to do than to wait around for some goofball - you are an awesome person and worth knowing! You are super adventurous! You are fierce!
And don't worry about being 23 and still looking for a long term relationship. It happens, there's nothing wrong with it and you're not a failure. Sometimes it's a bit of a crapshoot depending on your circumstances - just keep being the best you that you can be.
posted by RogueTech at 8:07 AM on March 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
I noticed you Best Answered some comments that suggested contacting him one last time to explain things.
To quote Marsellus Wallace, "That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps."
posted by jbenben at 3:03 PM on March 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
To quote Marsellus Wallace, "That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps."
posted by jbenben at 3:03 PM on March 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi everyone, quick update on this situation.
I basically sent him a message (one that was perhaps too nice) explaining why I felt it was weird that we haven't seen each other in such a long time and that if he wanted to see me again, he should make a serious effort and if he didn't want to, that he should tell me that and I would stop bothering him.
Anyway, he replied, basically saying that he "doesn't want anything" with me and that in fact he is "going out with a friend" (the wording here was super strange, b/c after he said he was going out with this friend, he said "which is worse" I'm a little confused by what 'worse' could mean?) but that he "wasn't bothered at all by my personality and that he liked me a lot and that "shouldn’t prevent us from getting together and going out" but that it "doesn’t mean he wants something " with me.
Honestly this sounds like he wants some type of FWB situation? But I could be wrong? He could be just BSing me and telling me he wants to be "friends" though he has no intention of speaking to me ever again? One of those two scenarios seems the most likely.
posted by lana0112 at 9:38 AM on March 29, 2015
I basically sent him a message (one that was perhaps too nice) explaining why I felt it was weird that we haven't seen each other in such a long time and that if he wanted to see me again, he should make a serious effort and if he didn't want to, that he should tell me that and I would stop bothering him.
Anyway, he replied, basically saying that he "doesn't want anything" with me and that in fact he is "going out with a friend" (the wording here was super strange, b/c after he said he was going out with this friend, he said "which is worse" I'm a little confused by what 'worse' could mean?) but that he "wasn't bothered at all by my personality and that he liked me a lot and that "shouldn’t prevent us from getting together and going out" but that it "doesn’t mean he wants something " with me.
Honestly this sounds like he wants some type of FWB situation? But I could be wrong? He could be just BSing me and telling me he wants to be "friends" though he has no intention of speaking to me ever again? One of those two scenarios seems the most likely.
posted by lana0112 at 9:38 AM on March 29, 2015
saying that he "doesn't want anything" with me
That's your answer. Delete, block, unfollow.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:57 AM on March 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
That's your answer. Delete, block, unfollow.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:57 AM on March 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Yeah, disregard my last comment. I replied to him just saying that "for me friendships are based on being open with each other" so that's why I confronted him and that also "friends generally hang out with one another on a regular basis" and so if he was serious about being my friend we would do that. And holy shit...first he replies saying that "we'll talk later," all calm, but only a few moments later he comes at me with this barrage of very ugly and very insulting messages, basically telling me that I was "reading too much into the situation" and that I'm "just a random girl from the internet" who he's only seen once and that if I didn't like the way he was treating me then I shouldn't talk to him anymore and "I don't want to be responsible for other peoples issues like yours." Finally he ended with "You're cool but these last few messages you've sent me have made me think very badly of you. I don't wish to speak to you anymore."
You guys were all right. He's an asshole, and most likely an unstable one at that, and I'm glad he's out of my life. Good luck to this "friend" of his he's dating and hopefully he won't treat her like garbage as well.
posted by lana0112 at 11:17 AM on March 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
You guys were all right. He's an asshole, and most likely an unstable one at that, and I'm glad he's out of my life. Good luck to this "friend" of his he's dating and hopefully he won't treat her like garbage as well.
posted by lana0112 at 11:17 AM on March 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
He got mad because you weren't as easy to use as he initially thought you were, and you had the nerve to point out his shittiness to him.
Good riddance.
posted by Tarumba at 5:59 AM on March 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Good riddance.
posted by Tarumba at 5:59 AM on March 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
And this is why it is always better to try to resist having the last word, or trying to draw someone out when you know they really are playing you, and everyone has given you their best take on the subject -- because now you've got this dude's trash talk running around inside your head.
What a creep he is. Please go no contact with this guy, consider this a lesson learned (almost everyone has a story like this) and just move on to meet a nicer, kinder fellow who will show you the interest you deserve ... and have some fun without all the angst. Good luck to you. :)
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 11:30 PM on April 15, 2015
What a creep he is. Please go no contact with this guy, consider this a lesson learned (almost everyone has a story like this) and just move on to meet a nicer, kinder fellow who will show you the interest you deserve ... and have some fun without all the angst. Good luck to you. :)
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 11:30 PM on April 15, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Ignores you.
Won't make concrete plans.
Is fucking rude to you when he does see you in person.
Unless you are also a douchetastic asshole I don't know why you think you two have "so much" in common.
It sounds to me like this guy is hot and knows it and gets off on being able to get women's attention over and over again no matter how much of a jerk he is. It's been four months of him being impossible and yet you still keep responding when he decides he wants attention. Stop it! You're getting nothing of value out of this.
tl;dr There is nothing there, forget this guy, lose his number.
posted by phunniemee at 11:02 AM on March 27, 2015 [69 favorites]