How to tell my date I have a son (I'm a man)
March 18, 2015 7:48 AM Subscribe
I started to date a girl an I need an advice on how to tell her I have a son.
Well, I know her for a month, we have had 2 dates and arranged a third one.
There is a thing I'm worrying about - The problem is that I am divorced and have a son who lives with his mom. I care for him as much as I can.
I allways try to tell this information to people I'm seeing before I meet them or on the first date. I did tried to do this in this case as well and told that I have been married. After that there happened to be a bit of awkward silence and an uncomfortable moment ... and at that moment I hesitated and decided to not to continue this subject for now, cause I was worried that it could be "too much". Hovever I really like that girl ... but I still have to tell her about my son ... Third date would be last moment to do this in my opinion and I allways value honesty ... However now I'm thinking on how to do this best...?
It should not be a big deal ... but as it happened as it happened on the first date - it is a bit more difficult now... So I need your opinion on how to do this? Porobably I have to deliver this information 'as easy as possible'.
Or is it too late now and there are no chances?
Well, I know her for a month, we have had 2 dates and arranged a third one.
There is a thing I'm worrying about - The problem is that I am divorced and have a son who lives with his mom. I care for him as much as I can.
I allways try to tell this information to people I'm seeing before I meet them or on the first date. I did tried to do this in this case as well and told that I have been married. After that there happened to be a bit of awkward silence and an uncomfortable moment ... and at that moment I hesitated and decided to not to continue this subject for now, cause I was worried that it could be "too much". Hovever I really like that girl ... but I still have to tell her about my son ... Third date would be last moment to do this in my opinion and I allways value honesty ... However now I'm thinking on how to do this best...?
It should not be a big deal ... but as it happened as it happened on the first date - it is a bit more difficult now... So I need your opinion on how to do this? Porobably I have to deliver this information 'as easy as possible'.
Or is it too late now and there are no chances?
She's known you for a month and you haven't told her yet?
I personally don't date guys with children, but I would maybe make an exception if they said it right off the bat and I liked them enough, but for you I'd say it's a little too late now to do anything other than tell her you have a kid.
I don't think there's any sugarcoating it--it's not going to look good because not having said it during the month you knew her makes it sound like you don't identify as being a dad when it's inconvenient for you which will probably not make her think you're an honest guy.
So tell her asap that you were afraid to tell her and you're genuinely interested in her and if you being a dad is a dealbreaker then it's okay.
posted by discopolo at 8:00 AM on March 18, 2015 [16 favorites]
I personally don't date guys with children, but I would maybe make an exception if they said it right off the bat and I liked them enough, but for you I'd say it's a little too late now to do anything other than tell her you have a kid.
I don't think there's any sugarcoating it--it's not going to look good because not having said it during the month you knew her makes it sound like you don't identify as being a dad when it's inconvenient for you which will probably not make her think you're an honest guy.
So tell her asap that you were afraid to tell her and you're genuinely interested in her and if you being a dad is a dealbreaker then it's okay.
posted by discopolo at 8:00 AM on March 18, 2015 [16 favorites]
I think she might actually appreciate the fact that you're being so cautious but I could see how she might see it as you withholding from her. I think honesty is the best policy. Just say something like "I've been hesitant to mention it since I there was such an awkward reaction to my previous marriage, but I also have a son who was the best thing to come out of it and who is very important to me." I would say this sincerely but confidently. I don't know how recently you divorced but if hasn't been that long you could also mention that this is a new situation for you. If she doesn't appreciate your honesty, I'd say she isn't for you, son or not.
posted by Schleprock at 8:05 AM on March 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Schleprock at 8:05 AM on March 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
"Hey, I let it go on too long without saying it, but I have a son who lives with his mother."
You're worried about scaring her off, but that's her decision, not yours. If it's too much for her, it's too much for her, and the delivery of the information has very little to do with it. I mean, don't be rude, but you've already omission-lied so she may bail because of that or because she doesn't want to date someone with children, and that is her right.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:06 AM on March 18, 2015 [29 favorites]
You're worried about scaring her off, but that's her decision, not yours. If it's too much for her, it's too much for her, and the delivery of the information has very little to do with it. I mean, don't be rude, but you've already omission-lied so she may bail because of that or because she doesn't want to date someone with children, and that is her right.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:06 AM on March 18, 2015 [29 favorites]
"I wanted to let you know I have a son from my previous marriage. He's X."
Can you imagine being with someone who reacts to this knowledge with disgust or horror? I couldn't. A lot of people have kids. A lot of people are divorced.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:06 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Can you imagine being with someone who reacts to this knowledge with disgust or horror? I couldn't. A lot of people have kids. A lot of people are divorced.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:06 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
The reason this would be an issue for me is not because of the existence of the kid, but because the kid didn’t come up organically before. I mean, you had to have talked a little bit about what you do with your time, and if a kid was never mentioned that would send a message to me that either (a) you don’t have much to do with your kid, which I’d have a hard time respecting, or (b) you were intentionally withholding that information.
The only way the situation could be ameliorated for me would be to apologize and explain why you didn’t mention it before, perhaps “you seemed uneasy when I mentioned my prior marriage and I felt awkward throwing something else on top of that.” (That wouldn’t be a good enough reason for me, but I’m not your date.)
posted by metasarah at 8:06 AM on March 18, 2015 [16 favorites]
The only way the situation could be ameliorated for me would be to apologize and explain why you didn’t mention it before, perhaps “you seemed uneasy when I mentioned my prior marriage and I felt awkward throwing something else on top of that.” (That wouldn’t be a good enough reason for me, but I’m not your date.)
posted by metasarah at 8:06 AM on March 18, 2015 [16 favorites]
If this relationship doesn't work out, definitely bring it up sooner next time around. Like first date sooner. The easiest way to do this is to work it matter-of-factly into conversation. "Yeah, my son and I went to that park last summer and thought it was really neat" or something along those lines. You could still do this but you might have to do some explaining about why you didn't mention it earlier. Does she know you are divorced?
(Also, I hesitated about mentioning this but - dude, you're dating a woman, not a girl.)
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:07 AM on March 18, 2015 [9 favorites]
(Also, I hesitated about mentioning this but - dude, you're dating a woman, not a girl.)
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:07 AM on March 18, 2015 [9 favorites]
When you told her you were married you say there was an awkward silence. So when you tell her about your son, don't let there be silence. Keep talking while she processes, like this: "So there's something about me that you need to know. Remember when I told you I had been married before? Well, I have son. He's five years old and his name is David and he's sweet and he's very important to me. I see him every other weekend, usually for an afternoon. His mother and I are civil to each other and communicate regularly about David. That's my situation. Do you have any questions about any of it? "
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:10 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:10 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Data point: a friend of mine recently mentioned that she dated a guy who waited a month to tell her he had a kid, and she thought it was strange he hadn't told her sooner.
Agreeing with metasarah's advice above about apologizing for not telling her sooner, and then just saying it - "so, yeah, sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but you seemed a little weirded out when I mentioned I was married and I thought at first I should not lay that on you. But now I think it wouldn't be fair to you if you didn't know, so there it is." And then give her a just-the-facts rundown of the logistics ("he lives with his mom, I see him [x] times a week/month/year, he's [x] years old") and then ask if she has any questions or concerns.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:13 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Agreeing with metasarah's advice above about apologizing for not telling her sooner, and then just saying it - "so, yeah, sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but you seemed a little weirded out when I mentioned I was married and I thought at first I should not lay that on you. But now I think it wouldn't be fair to you if you didn't know, so there it is." And then give her a just-the-facts rundown of the logistics ("he lives with his mom, I see him [x] times a week/month/year, he's [x] years old") and then ask if she has any questions or concerns.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:13 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also, you have to understand, she's not going to be disgusted or horrified if you have a kid. She's going to be assessing her ability to manage being in a relationship with someone who has more important priorities, as your son should rightly be in your life. Having gone out on two dates once with a single dad once (who didn't say anything until I saw a cut out in his car with childish scrawl on it and he mentioned his son), I was kind of okay with it as a casual dating relationship but found the "My ex is taking my son tonight unexpectedly, want to grab a bite" or "My ex needs me to pick up my son" stuff kind of too serious for me.
But there are MANY women who date guys with kids. I know more women who do and would than don't and wouldn't.
Always mention that you are a dad and you have a relationship with your son from the start. It's who you are and the circumstances of your life. And it's someone else's right to not want to date you based on anything about you. But don't pretend that having a son isn't a big deal and doesn't present challenges for some people who might otherwise consider dating and investing in you romantically.
posted by discopolo at 8:23 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
But there are MANY women who date guys with kids. I know more women who do and would than don't and wouldn't.
Always mention that you are a dad and you have a relationship with your son from the start. It's who you are and the circumstances of your life. And it's someone else's right to not want to date you based on anything about you. But don't pretend that having a son isn't a big deal and doesn't present challenges for some people who might otherwise consider dating and investing in you romantically.
posted by discopolo at 8:23 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
"What did you do last week?"
"Ugh. I had to work late on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday, I got to have dinner with my son Billy. It is such a kick having dinner with him. We have the best time. What did you do?"
posted by 724A at 8:33 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Ugh. I had to work late on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday, I got to have dinner with my son Billy. It is such a kick having dinner with him. We have the best time. What did you do?"
posted by 724A at 8:33 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
When you do tell her, be sure and show a picture.
posted by JanetLand at 8:46 AM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by JanetLand at 8:46 AM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]
"What did you do last week?"
"Ugh. I had to work late on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday, I got to have dinner with my son Billy. It is such a kick having dinner with him. We have the best time. What did you do?"
I really wouldn't do it like this; it's off-putting and disconcerting to be told something in this indirect manner, especially something important, and then wonder if you missed the original reveal somehow. I've had this happen and then I felt awkward asking follow up questions because I didn't want to ask something stupid or intrusive.
I would take the advise to be open and honest, give some details (age, how often you see him, etc) and explain your initial hesitation in telling her. Ask her if she has questions. ThatCanadianGirl gives great advice above on how to navigate and avoid the awkwardness that happened the first time. Some people just aren't sure what to say when given somewhat heavy info and gently easing past that awkwardness would probably be appreciated.
posted by JenMarie at 8:53 AM on March 18, 2015 [17 favorites]
"Ugh. I had to work late on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday, I got to have dinner with my son Billy. It is such a kick having dinner with him. We have the best time. What did you do?"
I really wouldn't do it like this; it's off-putting and disconcerting to be told something in this indirect manner, especially something important, and then wonder if you missed the original reveal somehow. I've had this happen and then I felt awkward asking follow up questions because I didn't want to ask something stupid or intrusive.
I would take the advise to be open and honest, give some details (age, how often you see him, etc) and explain your initial hesitation in telling her. Ask her if she has questions. ThatCanadianGirl gives great advice above on how to navigate and avoid the awkwardness that happened the first time. Some people just aren't sure what to say when given somewhat heavy info and gently easing past that awkwardness would probably be appreciated.
posted by JenMarie at 8:53 AM on March 18, 2015 [17 favorites]
If I had only had two dates with someone before they told me they had a child I don't think it would bother me at all. I could totally empathise with the fact that it would be something some people might be nervous about mentioning. And we've all been in situations where we've kicked ourselves for letting the right moment pass where we could have disclosed something. I wouldn't worry too much. Just say something like "I just wanted to tell you I have a child. I should have mentioned it sooner but I wasn't sure when the best time would be and I've been feeling bad about the fact that I haven't said yet." If she chooses not to see you on that basis then c'est la vie but that would have happened anyway. Good luck!
posted by billiebee at 8:56 AM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 8:56 AM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Hey, I let it go on too long without saying it, but I have a son who lives with his mother."
I think this is the way to say it. I'm currently dating a single father and he told me right when things kicked over from friendship to dating, which was good but if he had waited a few weeks, I would have liked the acknowledgement that he had waited too long without making a big deal about it.
When you tell her, also be prepared to talk about when you typically let people you're dating meet your kid, your custody arrangement, etc. At first the whole "person I'm dating has a kid" thing should be pretty abstract but those things affect how often she'll see you and how you see relationships progressing which are important things.
posted by zutalors! at 9:10 AM on March 18, 2015
I think this is the way to say it. I'm currently dating a single father and he told me right when things kicked over from friendship to dating, which was good but if he had waited a few weeks, I would have liked the acknowledgement that he had waited too long without making a big deal about it.
When you tell her, also be prepared to talk about when you typically let people you're dating meet your kid, your custody arrangement, etc. At first the whole "person I'm dating has a kid" thing should be pretty abstract but those things affect how often she'll see you and how you see relationships progressing which are important things.
posted by zutalors! at 9:10 AM on March 18, 2015
I agree with those who say you have to acknowledge that you've let this go for a long time and should have told her sooner. Don't make a huge deal about it, but acknowledge that you could have handled it better. And if she was weirded out by you having been married before I would say there's a pretty good chance she be even more uncomfortable with you having a kid. But your options are either to tell her about your kid and let her make her decision, or to stop seeing her, or I guess to just keep not telling her but obviously that's not sustainable.
posted by mskyle at 9:44 AM on March 18, 2015
posted by mskyle at 9:44 AM on March 18, 2015
Response by poster: I haven't been dating her for a month. Its one month I know her at all but first date happened weeks later.
posted by Nightrunner at 9:45 AM on March 18, 2015
posted by Nightrunner at 9:45 AM on March 18, 2015
as a mid 30s woman, I disagree with JenMarie, I think
"What did you do last week?"
"Ugh. I had to work late on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday, I got to have dinner with my son Billy. It is such a kick having dinner with him. We have the best time. What did you do?"
is fine. I think "I let it go on too long..." and similar makes it seem like a bigger deal than it really is. (The kid is the big deal, that you didn't tell her isn't. It's not as if you're dropping the bomb after years).
THat said, if it's a deal breaker for her, let it be. There are some of us who just have no interest in being in a relationship where there is a child and in the vast majority of cases, your child just isn't that special to be an exception to our preferences.
posted by TravellingCari at 9:50 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
"What did you do last week?"
"Ugh. I had to work late on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday, I got to have dinner with my son Billy. It is such a kick having dinner with him. We have the best time. What did you do?"
is fine. I think "I let it go on too long..." and similar makes it seem like a bigger deal than it really is. (The kid is the big deal, that you didn't tell her isn't. It's not as if you're dropping the bomb after years).
THat said, if it's a deal breaker for her, let it be. There are some of us who just have no interest in being in a relationship where there is a child and in the vast majority of cases, your child just isn't that special to be an exception to our preferences.
posted by TravellingCari at 9:50 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
You say it, directly or in reference to what you did last week or whatever. If she feels awkward because you're divorced and have a kid, that's on her. If it's a deal breaker, not much you can do about it except be grateful you dodged a bullet. Being a father is part of who you are.
posted by SillyShepherd at 9:53 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by SillyShepherd at 9:53 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've been in a situation where I dated someone and only found out he had a daughter after we had been on several dates. In my case it was complicated by the fact he had a picture of her on the wall and he had lied to me saying it was his sister because he was worried about telling me. We didn't last much beyond that stage because a) he lied to me about his own child and b) he didn't trust me to accept he was a father? What kind of person did he think I was? As I said, it was complicated.
Please be careful about how you tell your date but tell her sooner rather than later - and don't think it's something to hide from her. Your kid is your kid, you know?
posted by kariebookish at 10:20 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Please be careful about how you tell your date but tell her sooner rather than later - and don't think it's something to hide from her. Your kid is your kid, you know?
posted by kariebookish at 10:20 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't know that there is any right or wrong time to mention it. Now that you are ready, say something along the lines of "It has never come up in conversation, but I wanted to mention that I have a (age) son." I doubt it will be a big deal if you don't make it one. If she makes it into a big deal, well you know her feelings on the matter and you can both move on. Or, if you prefer:
I made the mistake
On our first date
In not mentioning my wonderful son.
I hope that you will
Hang with me still
Because I think we have lots of fun.
Nobody has accused me of being a poet.
posted by Silvertree at 10:40 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I made the mistake
On our first date
In not mentioning my wonderful son.
I hope that you will
Hang with me still
Because I think we have lots of fun.
Nobody has accused me of being a poet.
posted by Silvertree at 10:40 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
kariebookish brings up a great point. If you had an important personal detail you weren't sharing by the first date, I would worry that you didn't trust me enough to let me decide how I felt about it until I'd invested more time/interest in you. Having a kid is fine, but not trusting me is not.
That's why it may be helpful to address this by saying you should have told her sooner, as recommended above. It's a way to assure her that her opinion on this is valuable and that your son is very important to you. I think a good moment for this is as soon as you're both sitting down with a drink or coffee at the beginning of the evening.
posted by mochapickle at 10:43 AM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]
That's why it may be helpful to address this by saying you should have told her sooner, as recommended above. It's a way to assure her that her opinion on this is valuable and that your son is very important to you. I think a good moment for this is as soon as you're both sitting down with a drink or coffee at the beginning of the evening.
posted by mochapickle at 10:43 AM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]
(And you should say it with some energy/positivity -- it's not a confession. Your son is awesome and you want her to know about him.)
posted by mochapickle at 10:45 AM on March 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 10:45 AM on March 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
I haven't been dating her for a month. Its one month I know her at all but first date happened weeks later.
I get that, but in the whole knowing her before dating part---that not mentioning you have a son, which is a huge part of who you are and your commitments, not knowing that in the conversations you had with her---that matters. And the one comment above that explained why it should have come up organically and what she might think in you not mentioning it before given you've known each other for a month---that's why it's a problem you need to address specifically.
posted by discopolo at 11:03 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
So you have known her a month and started dating in, say, the last week and you weren't sure how to bring it up.
So you tell her "Hey, I meant to tell you earlier, but it seemed awkward, so I blinked: I have a son from my marriage. He's X age and his name is (name) and I see him (how often you see him). I tried to tell you earlier but I really like you, enough that it makes me a little nervous talking with you, and now I feel a little foolish."
Either she will be understanding or she won't be. If she is the type to turn this small omission at a still early stage into serious drama, maybe you don't want her anyway. It's not like you are confessing to being a hit man. I think every single romantic comedy I have ever seen has some reveal of a "secret" that is potentially deal-breaking, only it's really not a secret. It's just information that hasn't come up yet because you haven't known each other since birth, so there are going to be things you don't yet know about each other. Duh.
So, take a big breathe, confess that you flubbed it on your first attempt because she's so adorable to you and then let the chips fall where they may. If she is going to flee because you have a kid, better to let her do that sooner rather than later. It hurts less that way.
posted by Michele in California at 1:51 PM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
So you tell her "Hey, I meant to tell you earlier, but it seemed awkward, so I blinked: I have a son from my marriage. He's X age and his name is (name) and I see him (how often you see him). I tried to tell you earlier but I really like you, enough that it makes me a little nervous talking with you, and now I feel a little foolish."
Either she will be understanding or she won't be. If she is the type to turn this small omission at a still early stage into serious drama, maybe you don't want her anyway. It's not like you are confessing to being a hit man. I think every single romantic comedy I have ever seen has some reveal of a "secret" that is potentially deal-breaking, only it's really not a secret. It's just information that hasn't come up yet because you haven't known each other since birth, so there are going to be things you don't yet know about each other. Duh.
So, take a big breathe, confess that you flubbed it on your first attempt because she's so adorable to you and then let the chips fall where they may. If she is going to flee because you have a kid, better to let her do that sooner rather than later. It hurts less that way.
posted by Michele in California at 1:51 PM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just tell her. Don't invest too much emotion into something that is so new either. That's what I would be telling myself. There are plenty of women who are OK with dating single fathers, but we usually like to know up front about these things, so your fear of rejection because you've withheld this is not unfounded. If she bolts, it may be because you didn't tell her right away and she feels it was dishonest, but you'll know better next time around and won't have to experience this again. There's nothing to fear, you have a child, it's your reality and you only want to be with someone who is cool with that anyway.
posted by Avosunspin at 12:00 AM on March 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Avosunspin at 12:00 AM on March 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I imagine you saying "there is something I want to show you", and handing her a picture of you with your son.
I don't imagine a hushed silence followed by you saying "I have a son", because it sounds like you're admitting to some dark secret, and frankly there is nothing dark about this, it is just your life.
posted by PercussivePaul at 7:55 AM on March 18, 2015 [12 favorites]