How do you deal with rejection that isn't explicit?

March 4, 2015 10:29 AM

I asked a guy out twice. The second time, he didn't respond but because he didn't explicitly say no, I'm having a hard time letting it go. How do I move on from this?

I asked a very shy, very awkward guy out to coffee. Being very shy and awkward myself, this was really hard to do. He agreed and we exchanged schedules. At first, he didn't reply for days after I told him my schedule and I thought for sure it was a rejection. He did eventually contact me when I said I would be free and we arranged to meet for lunch. Lunch went all right - he texted later to say he had a good time. I agreed and vaguely mentioned we should do it again to which he responded positively.

Fast forward a few days, I ask him out again in a less vague way (I specified a time frame) because my friends, who have briefly met him, convinced me he won't do it due to his shyness. He's also from a culture where women are expected to be a little more aggressive so I felt it was okay to try again. Anyway, it's been a full day and he hasn't replied even though I know he's seen the message.

This is extremely annoying for me because I'm not good with nonverbal/non-written stuff. While I understand that ignoring me is essentially a rejection, I have a hard time accepting it because I still hope he will respond as he hasn't said otherwise. It's just not definitive to me and I have a hard time with gray areas. I need someone to say no if they don't want anything to do with me anymore or yes if they do. Silence confuses and irritates me.

In addition, it just hurts my feelings. I know that everyone is free to like who they want, but it took a lot for me to ask him out (twice!) so now I feel dejected and embarrassed. So, how do I deal with a rejection that isn't explicit? What can I do to move on?

posted by cyml to Human Relations (27 answers total)

Go ahead and call him. You have nothing to lose.
posted by Kriesa at 10:34 AM on March 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

It has been a day. I'd give it a bit more time before I start feeling completely rejected. There are lots of reason why he may have seen it and not responded right away.
posted by magnetsphere at 10:35 AM on March 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: You keep asking out more people.

You've done great here! You asserted yourself, asked a guy out, and have been straightforward. That's awesome. It appears this guy is either uninterested or otherwise incapable of adult social interactions, which is fine, but less awesome. But that's life.

You know how in Harry Potter how Voldemort created so many horcruxes he couldn't even feel it when one of them was destroyed? That's how rejection works. Get rejected once and it hurts. Keep asking dudes out, and you'll have enough hits that you'll barely even notice the misses.

This is just one guy one time. Don't let it affect you. Shake it off and get back in the ring.
posted by phunniemee at 10:36 AM on March 4, 2015 [31 favorites]

It seems like you guys have established a norm of it taking a few days to firm up plans. So, maybe if he doesn't get back to you by the weekend, treat it like a rejection, but hold out hope for a couple of days?

That being said, this:
In addition, it just hurts my feelings. I know that everyone is free to like who they want, but it took a lot for me to ask him out is veering into "nice guy" territory. Just because you put yourself out there, that doesn't mean that you are owed a positive response in return. Though it would be nice if he would give you a clear "I'm not interested."

And hey, if he's just not that into you, isn't it so much better to have found out now, than 3 or 4 dates down the road?

Ask some cuter, more forthcoming guy out.
posted by sparklemotion at 10:38 AM on March 4, 2015 [11 favorites]

He may be just as shy and awkward as you.
He may not be that into you.
There may be a million different reasons, but the one thing I would echo is that you keep on moving.
Keep getting out there more.
Keep approaching men who interest you.
Keep flirting, getting to know them and ask them out.
Keep busy so you're not even thinking about the one who did (or didn't, or might have) rejected you.

Good on ya!
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 10:39 AM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

When someone rejects you, regard it as their problem and not yours. Don't ever sell yourself short. There's someone who is hoping you won't reject them. That's the only one you should care about.
posted by BarcelonaRed at 10:40 AM on March 4, 2015 [8 favorites]

Best answer: If he was slow to get back to you the first time, it doesn't make sense to assume that he's not interested if he doesn't reply immediately the second time. Maybe he saw your text while he was doing something else, and distractedly forgot about it. Maybe he is trying to figure out his schedule before getting back to you. Maybe he sucks about replying to things in a timely manner. Maybe he's freaking out about what to say. Who knows.


You can't force people to do or feel anything. You did the (awesome! brave! ) good-risky thing of reaching out to him and letting him know you're into him (seriously awesome! and brave! go you!). The ball's in his court. Try to relax and see what happens. If nothing, then.... you got a nice date out of it, and that's it, you'll have to let it go. It stings, but, that's the risk of putting yourself out there. It'll be better in about a week. Go grab a cocktail or some ice cream, and revel in his loss of an awesome partner.
posted by Fig at 10:41 AM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Sounds to me like he just takes a while to respond to things. I would give him a little more time.
posted by capricorn at 10:41 AM on March 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

i wouldn't write him off entirely after one day, since you've mentioned he was a little slow to firm up plans the first time.

But meanwhile this is as good a time as any to learn how to deal with uncomfortable feelings in a productive way. Just as you can't make him feel a certain way, though, you can't quite make yourself feel a certain way either, or anyway, not on command. Don't feel bad if you can't just not be affected, especially if you're new to all this. Accept the feeling of rejection, recognize that it's nonfatal, and recognize that it's likely not personal.

Moving on might involve asking others out, but doesn't necessarily need to. Just be busy, living your normal life.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:47 AM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Ask yourself this.

Do you really want to waste your time on someone who, at best, is a a huge flake and, at worst, is stringing you along like a jerk?

I would assume that your time and company are worth more than that.
posted by JimBJ9 at 10:52 AM on March 4, 2015 [6 favorites]

It has only been a day, and there many reasons, even in the business world or if you really like someone that it can take over 24 hours to reply. It might take you a while to learn his or other people's MO in terms of response time.

I'm hoping that this will help you moving forward.

IF you need to know soonish due to anxiety or whatever reasons, you can put something in the text or tell someone this in person.

Hey, looking forward to seeing you, I hope you can go to X event on X/x/xxx day at x time. Can you back to me? We are trying to (save seats, get tix, make plans). Thanks! (or kisses, or whatever)

You can also tell people in person - oh hey it took you a while to get back. I was worried because I thought you weren't into me/didn't like me/it makes me worried when I don't hear from people - could you get back to me within a day so that I don't worry?

Or something along those lines. Most people try to help out if they know it bothers you/or it can affect your plans. For the moment, I would wait and give him another day or two before calling it the end.
posted by Wolfster at 11:01 AM on March 4, 2015

Best answer: Completely disagree with JimBJ9. While Jim's assessment might be accurate, we don't know the guy--but you do. It could be rejection or it could be, as before, him working himself up to go on another date. Assuming the latter (as your friends did, and they've met him), you need to figure out your tolerance for this delayed communication because this is who he is right now. It's totally fine to break it off even if he's someone you like, who likes you back, but can't satisfy your emotional needs.

I don't think the hesitation in responding is a necessarily a problem. But not being able to talk about why the delay occurs may well be.

If he is rejecting you, there are so many explanations other than it being you. His shyness could prevent him from seeking a relationship, his current needs might not match your objectives, etc. etc.

You did awesome. Keep doing awesome.
posted by JackBurden at 11:17 AM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

I agree it's too soon to decide on this one. But in general, what you want is an enthusiastic yes in a reasonable time frame. Anything short of that, whether it's a lack of a response or a lukewarm "okay, I guess I'll go out with you" is not worth your time. Why bother dating someone who's not excited about you?

You like clear communication, and dating anybody who's not on board with that will just be an endless source of stress and confusion for you. Don't put yourself through that.
posted by ktkt at 11:27 AM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

In my experience, people who are interested in having dates/relationships with you will communicate their willingness to do so promptly, clearly, and enthusiastically. Of course there are exceptions to this, especially now that texting and its associated flake mentality are so commonplace.

But for the most part, people who hem and haw and take days to respond to your requests to hang out are usually just ‘not that into you,’ or at least not willing to make you a priority in their life. This has very little to do with you and a lot to do with the myriad of unknowable details about their life and mindset that you can neither control nor predict. Don’t take it personally – sometimes people are just in a different mental place than you are and a connection is unlikely to happen organically at this time.

I would leave this guy alone. You have already expressed your interest and shown him that you don’t bite. If the attraction is mutual, he will come to you. It may take a while since he is shy and awkward, and only you can decide how long you are willing to wait and hand-hold someone who is hesitant to respond to your cues for whatever reason. If you continue to hear nothing or get some vague or lukewarm response that is anything less than “Yes, Tuesday at 4 works, see you then” move on.
posted by key_kat at 11:28 AM on March 4, 2015 [9 favorites]

It is quite possible that he doesn't understand the consequences of his actions. Perhaps no one has told him. Don't assume what is obvious to you (and us) is obvious to him. A lot of guys are clueless about communication and the implications of their actions. I'm not saying he isn't responsible. So, one way to look at this situation is that you've found this cool guy you would like to get to know better. But before you can start dating, you need to have a talk about communication. Tell him what you've written to us. It will probably be an eye-opener to him. Because so many people in this discussion have supported and validated your reactions, be confident that you are speaking from a reasonable point of view. You're not crazy or being needy or expecting too much. Give him this information about what you need and what effect his silence is having on you. Then it is up to him what to do with that information and you can then decide if you want to date him.
posted by conrad53 at 11:35 AM on March 4, 2015

I haven't seen anyone ask if you like him. Lunch went "all right." Do you like him? Or are you more concerned with whether he likes you?

I know I personally fall into the trap of thinking more about what my dates are thinking about me rather than thinking about what I think of them. It's a really easy thing to do. So: do you like this guy? I am going to say based on this question that you think he is "all right" but that his sort of shy/non-responsive thing isn't for you. So: if you're not that into him and your date was pretty meh and your main feeling about him is the question of why he won't call/text/message you back... well, what's the point? Try asking someone else out now.
posted by sockermom at 11:41 AM on March 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

I need someone to say no if they don't want anything to do with me anymore or yes if they do. Silence confuses and irritates me.

If it's really super important, tell him that you need an answer by a certain time, but I'd really recommend you work on being a bit more comfortable with unknowns, especially when it comes to dating. That's just how it often is. People behave contrary to logic and politeness quite often when it comes to this sort of stuff.

You could even write something casual, like "hey, did you get a chance to check your schedule to see if we could do lunch that day? let me know by tonight, so i can plan my day/week/whatever." you might even be able to squeeze in a "if i don't hear from you, i'll assume that's that ... see ya around!" or something. I've never been able to say stuff like that because I just don't care enough about someone who's so lukewarm on me.
posted by destructive cactus at 12:04 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Just because a guy is quiet does not mean he has something nice to say.

Silence is not a blank to be filled by what you want to hear.

You've asked him out. All he's got to do is text you. And he isn't. Enough said.
posted by Neekee at 12:28 PM on March 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

Whatever is going on is on his end only and has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. Mentally wish him well and move on.
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:32 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

I wouldn't necessarily assume this is a rejection after one day. (As just one unfortunate example, in the past 24 hours, I've had one family member have a medical emergency and gotten some bad financial news, so if I were in the casual dating stage with someone, I would probably not be replying quickly either and it would have literally zero to do with them.)

That said, it sounds like this guy might not be a fantastic match for you anyway, since you're not so comfortable with long silences/delays in communication, and it seems like that's kinda his style. So, I'd wait and see but also be proactive about monitoring the situation and being aware of whether, aside from all his other lovely qualities, his communication style just might not be a great match for you.
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:57 PM on March 4, 2015

He doesn't necessarily know how hard it was for you to ask him out. His response isn't based on the amount of anxiety this produces in you. For all he knows, you're asking a dozen men out every day. I really wouldn't obsess about this one guy any more--the more you ask people out, the easier it will become.
posted by Ideefixe at 1:18 PM on March 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'd give him some pointers, myself. The guy's chronically shy, your friends are saying there's no way he would ever be able to ask you on a second date even with your signals that you would want that, I think you need to be willing to provide instruction here.

Note that my social group includes a surprising number of 'awkward' or 'socially inept' or 'socially anxious' people, and this is probably because I'm generally tolerant of this sort of thing. A lot of other people clearly aren't, and they are recommending above that if he isn't communicating the way you'd like you should just drop him. But I would say there's another option: if this is someone you would like to have a relationship with, and he isn't good at communication according to the default rules, you will need to be comfortable with providing some of that structure.

This means you maybe ask him, "Hey, I didn't hear from you. Does that mean you'd rather not get together? I don't mean to pressure you, I just don't know how to interpret your silence." and if it turns out he's just being slow then when you're talking more often or knowing each other better, or on the next date, you talk about this and let him know that you really need more clear signals from him.

To answer the original question you had, when I get ambiguous responses like this, even to the point of the full-on silent treatment in person, I usually keep on pushing until the response isn't ambiguous any more. "Hey, didn't hear back. Want to get together y/n? Just let me know, I might make other plans if you don't want to meet up." and so on. But I'm a naturally pushy person, as opposed to a naturally shy one.
posted by Lady Li at 1:39 PM on March 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

a day is nothing. take your time. I would not count it as a rejection.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:09 PM on March 4, 2015

Best answer: First: it's not just you. It's not a matter of shyness. Everyone who's ever existed despises this weird "trying to figure out what they want, trying to understand what they're thinking, trying to figure out what I should do next" period. Understanding this helps some. It can't be avoided, it can't be improved, and nobody likes it. It's a given. It's overhead.

My instinct is to send seven page overwrought letters explaining how I feel, how I feel about how I think you might feel, and how I feel he should feel about how I feel about how he feels (either that or silently give up and move on, way too early). Thank goodness, I've learned to repress my instincts!

The solution is to go really terse and unemotional. This way you'll avoid projecting stuff (and projecting projections), you'll avoid giving the wrong impression, and you'll avoid giving a shy, awkward person ever-more-daunting thickets to have to slash through.

Text or email him this: "Hey, are we on or not?". That's it. Nothing more, no emotional spin, no social epistemology, no assumptions, no thicket. It will strike him as delightfully, unambiguously clear (he's surely spinning up all sorts of mental complications, too!), and compassionately set a nice binary, simple course of action for him to proceed (everyone prefers multiple choice to fill-in-the-blanks!). And it will spur an expedited reply, which is what you want.

This is the hard part: as this continues, and until you're inseparable partners, keep all relationship meta-discussion exactly this terse and unemotional. It will take tremendous discipline. But think how helpful it would be for you if he (and others) treated these issues this way. As Gandhi says, be the change.....
posted by Quisp Lover at 2:19 PM on March 4, 2015 [13 favorites]

My current BF is rather nerdy and shy/cautious. My initial efforts of flirting and hoping he'd ask me out were a complete fail. Eventually I emailed him and sneaked in a "want to go to lunch sometime?" at the end of the message. He didn't reply, though, and I fretted about that... (did he not see it? Was he not interested? Something else?) Finally (nearly a week later) I sent him another email and asked him point-blank if he wanted to go out. He finally said yes!

He said his initial failure to reply was a deer-in-the-headlights moment (as in, "omg, a girl wants to go out with me? This can't be. What do I do?")

So anyway... ask again. You have nothing to lose - you already aren't going out with him, so if he says no then you still aren't going out with him. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. In the end it really doesn't matter - the ones who say no won't remember you anyway, and eventually someone is going to say yes. :)
posted by kira at 7:16 AM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

Every experience is different but when something similar happened to me this year I took it very personally and would urge you not to do the same.

The guy was initially very open to dating but when it came to actually properly setting dates and times he would go really quiet (also known to be shy). Yet, at times, he seemed into me. It got to a point where he would more or less always respond if I contacted him, but it should be 50/50 interaction as much as possible and one person doing all the work gets old real fast. You end up putting a lot of emotional energy out there and not getting an awful lot back. I felt horribly rejected for months and only time has lessened the sting.

I would say...give it a little more time (well, what else can you do right?). If he again responds positively and date no#2 goes well, ask for his thoughts on a third date. What would be a fun idea? Gently steer the conversation toward having him plan it. An ex boyfriend of mine was a reallly shy guy who would not make moves on women. But once he knew I liked him he more or less moved heaven and earth to make the dates happen. If it continues to be you doing all the work, I would say let it go. It will only become more frustrating with time.*

*alternatively, he might just need a bit more time to come out of his shell. Let's see.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 2:25 PM on March 5, 2015

He still has not bothered to text you back yet? When it's been over 2 days, and you have proof he's read your message, that means his silence is a no. This is not an introvert thing at all. Neekee is right-- all he had to do was take about 10 seconds out of what I am sure is his unbelievably busy day, full of emergencies, to text you back. He hasn't. That's your answer right there. Guys who are worth your time and energy will do the complete opposite of this. Rejection sucks, yes. Maybe next time try to put yourself around guys who will take more of the initiative and who are willing to share the emotional load of getting simple plans off the ground.
posted by hush at 3:46 AM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]