Networking and Making Friends w/Poor Availability
February 10, 2015 6:46 AM Subscribe
Hi everyone,
Today I'm searching for insight into building a new circle of friends from scratch. I have both good things going for me as well as bad, just like everyone else, and lately I've been struggling to navigate the bad aspects of my life when putting myself out there to meet new people. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do differently?
Here is a working list of my strengths and weaknesses to help provide ideas:
Strengths -
I'd like to believe my temperament is my greatest asset in life. I'm human and I occasionally feel bummed out like anyone else when bad things happen. Yet I'm emotionally stable and I always go back to feeling happy, content and at peace no matter what happens. The people who know me like to say that I'm often too perky it's sickening.
I'm introverted which allows me to relate to a vast number of different people.
I respect and take good care of myself. I'm also respect of others.
I view strangers as just another friend I haven't met yet. Sometimes I initiate and carry on brief conversations with people I don't know.
Weaknesses -
I'm pushing on my late twenties and I live with my parents. By all metrics which exist in our culture to measure success, I've failed all of them by huge milestones. My living arrangement weights heavily upon my conscience. As a late bloomer, I've gone from struggling with severe agoraphobia, completely overcoming the mood disorder with hard work and determination. Followed by navigating financial burdens and physical disability, then recovered after multiple surgeries and over a half a year of a recovery period alongside occupational therapy. My first 'real' job began during my mid-twenties and I've never met anyone who would feel comfortable to learn my history.
I'm the survivor of a failed murder-suicide. My first and only intimate relationship of several years suddenly turned violent and slowly escalated. It took time but I was finally able to leave the relationship with anyone being physically hurt or arrested. When things ended my spouse had nothing left to lose and did certain things. Some which included stalking, convincing everyone we knew that I was a batterer myself, as well as detail to me legitimate threats to solicit other men to murder me. I've had to pull aside a prospective new date and tell her what was going on, that it's kind of dangerous, and that I'm not willing to speak with her again because breaking things off would be for the best. It was nice to receive some words of encouragement back but I also wonder how much this event has kept me alone. I refuse to date again until much later on in life when I feel more secure about my circumstances.
My former spouse also works for a debt collection agency and has access to certain information which makes tracking me down easier to accomplish. I can never again post images of myself on the internet, use social media, online dating, or meetup groups. Celebrating with colleagues over drinks, followed by a hurried rush at the end of the night, everyone exchanging their facebook while moving on... As I try to awkwardly pass off my direct phone number instead.
Time management is a problem. I have all but a few hours each week for myself to focus on relaxing and doing things other than work and study. My circumstances will not change in this regard for some time.
My work deals with private matters and protected information. I foster working professional relationships with my client which must remain strictly on an appointment basis only. I rarely engage in conversation with other colleagues due to the nature of the job but every once and awhile I speak with other caseworkers.
I have limited financial assets and I feel guilty spending any amount of money when I still live with family.
I'm a non-traditional student going back to college at a later age while also continuing to work, typically overtime. These circumstances will not change within several years. To achieve my goals I need to repeatedly move to new areas in which I do not know a single soul. I do not relate to anyone at college. My fellow students are a full decade younger than me and experience an entirely different life.
Here is a working list of my strengths and weaknesses to help provide ideas:
Strengths -
I'd like to believe my temperament is my greatest asset in life. I'm human and I occasionally feel bummed out like anyone else when bad things happen. Yet I'm emotionally stable and I always go back to feeling happy, content and at peace no matter what happens. The people who know me like to say that I'm often too perky it's sickening.
I'm introverted which allows me to relate to a vast number of different people.
I respect and take good care of myself. I'm also respect of others.
I view strangers as just another friend I haven't met yet. Sometimes I initiate and carry on brief conversations with people I don't know.
Weaknesses -
I'm pushing on my late twenties and I live with my parents. By all metrics which exist in our culture to measure success, I've failed all of them by huge milestones. My living arrangement weights heavily upon my conscience. As a late bloomer, I've gone from struggling with severe agoraphobia, completely overcoming the mood disorder with hard work and determination. Followed by navigating financial burdens and physical disability, then recovered after multiple surgeries and over a half a year of a recovery period alongside occupational therapy. My first 'real' job began during my mid-twenties and I've never met anyone who would feel comfortable to learn my history.
I'm the survivor of a failed murder-suicide. My first and only intimate relationship of several years suddenly turned violent and slowly escalated. It took time but I was finally able to leave the relationship with anyone being physically hurt or arrested. When things ended my spouse had nothing left to lose and did certain things. Some which included stalking, convincing everyone we knew that I was a batterer myself, as well as detail to me legitimate threats to solicit other men to murder me. I've had to pull aside a prospective new date and tell her what was going on, that it's kind of dangerous, and that I'm not willing to speak with her again because breaking things off would be for the best. It was nice to receive some words of encouragement back but I also wonder how much this event has kept me alone. I refuse to date again until much later on in life when I feel more secure about my circumstances.
My former spouse also works for a debt collection agency and has access to certain information which makes tracking me down easier to accomplish. I can never again post images of myself on the internet, use social media, online dating, or meetup groups. Celebrating with colleagues over drinks, followed by a hurried rush at the end of the night, everyone exchanging their facebook while moving on... As I try to awkwardly pass off my direct phone number instead.
Time management is a problem. I have all but a few hours each week for myself to focus on relaxing and doing things other than work and study. My circumstances will not change in this regard for some time.
My work deals with private matters and protected information. I foster working professional relationships with my client which must remain strictly on an appointment basis only. I rarely engage in conversation with other colleagues due to the nature of the job but every once and awhile I speak with other caseworkers.
I have limited financial assets and I feel guilty spending any amount of money when I still live with family.
I'm a non-traditional student going back to college at a later age while also continuing to work, typically overtime. These circumstances will not change within several years. To achieve my goals I need to repeatedly move to new areas in which I do not know a single soul. I do not relate to anyone at college. My fellow students are a full decade younger than me and experience an entirely different life.
I know it's hard to form new social groups as you get older. Do you feel your main obstacle is meeting people or forming real friendships with the people you do meet?
My former spouse also works for a debt collection agency and has access to certain information which makes tracking me down easier to accomplish. I can never again post images of myself on the internet, use social media, online dating, or meetup groups.
Can you expand on this? Social media sites allow you to control your privacy settings and you can decide what/how much information you want to put on them. Meetup as I recall doesn't require any personal information.
Depending on your interests, most cities have lots of free and low cost events-- concerts, lectures, game nights. See if reddit has a sub for your city (e.g. http://reddit.com/r/boston) and ask about free upcoming events.
posted by justkevin at 7:35 AM on February 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
My former spouse also works for a debt collection agency and has access to certain information which makes tracking me down easier to accomplish. I can never again post images of myself on the internet, use social media, online dating, or meetup groups.
Can you expand on this? Social media sites allow you to control your privacy settings and you can decide what/how much information you want to put on them. Meetup as I recall doesn't require any personal information.
Depending on your interests, most cities have lots of free and low cost events-- concerts, lectures, game nights. See if reddit has a sub for your city (e.g. http://reddit.com/r/boston) and ask about free upcoming events.
posted by justkevin at 7:35 AM on February 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
My former spouse also works for a debt collection agency and has access to certain information which makes tracking me down easier to accomplish.
If s/he is using that information for any other purpose than to facilitate that agency collecting on a debt that you owe, then you have legal recourse. I suggest you go about your life without worrying about this, and if s/he does misuse your personal information, contact the attorney you used for your divorce (you DID retain an attorney for your divorce, yes?).
Now, you can feel free to use social media to make friends. I'm not clear as to why you can't use Facebook or other social media tools.
Time management is a problem. I have all but a few hours each week for myself to focus on relaxing and doing things other than work and study. My circumstances will not change in this regard for some time.
Well, if you feel that time management is a problem, there are numerous resources available to you to help improve upon that -- online research, books, classes, et cetera. If you still only have a few hours, the reality of the situation is you're not going to be able to make close friends unless those friendships are cultivated over a very long period of time (several years). It might be difficult to arrange schedules with people such that you can schedule activities together, but it is worth the effort.
I view strangers as just another friend I haven't met yet. Sometimes I initiate and carry on brief conversations with people I don't know.
Start with that. Do you have time to devote to clubs or outside activities centered around your leisure interests? That is a powerful tool to make friends, one which has served me well time and again.
I'd suggest using Facebook, Meetup, MetaFilter and others, but you say you can't use social media without expanding upon why.
posted by tckma at 8:34 AM on February 10, 2015
If s/he is using that information for any other purpose than to facilitate that agency collecting on a debt that you owe, then you have legal recourse. I suggest you go about your life without worrying about this, and if s/he does misuse your personal information, contact the attorney you used for your divorce (you DID retain an attorney for your divorce, yes?).
Now, you can feel free to use social media to make friends. I'm not clear as to why you can't use Facebook or other social media tools.
Time management is a problem. I have all but a few hours each week for myself to focus on relaxing and doing things other than work and study. My circumstances will not change in this regard for some time.
Well, if you feel that time management is a problem, there are numerous resources available to you to help improve upon that -- online research, books, classes, et cetera. If you still only have a few hours, the reality of the situation is you're not going to be able to make close friends unless those friendships are cultivated over a very long period of time (several years). It might be difficult to arrange schedules with people such that you can schedule activities together, but it is worth the effort.
I view strangers as just another friend I haven't met yet. Sometimes I initiate and carry on brief conversations with people I don't know.
Start with that. Do you have time to devote to clubs or outside activities centered around your leisure interests? That is a powerful tool to make friends, one which has served me well time and again.
I'd suggest using Facebook, Meetup, MetaFilter and others, but you say you can't use social media without expanding upon why.
posted by tckma at 8:34 AM on February 10, 2015
Ditto with "weak ties"--when I first moved to LA, I knew no one. So, I got into the habit of going to the same places, and trying to interact with the same people--same coffee place, same grocery clerk, same magazine stand, same checkout person at the library. Becoming a "regular" makes you feel included and while these relationships aren't like deep soul mingling friendships, the everyday warmth and camaraderie goes a long way in making an unfamiliar world seem more cozy and intimate. Do you know your neighbors, their pets, the postal worker, etc.?
While your fellow students might not be your cohort, you'll still see them every class, so you may as well try to engage, even if it's just to say hello or ask where's the best place to get whatever near campus.
And there's other ways to exchange social media info than FB. You can give people a Google voice number which rings on whatever device you chose, including landlines. I don't think that's a reason to feel all left out--why not just give them an email address? Or hand-out actual cards with your contact info?
The ex's treatment of you might be worth talking to a therapist about. Or a survivor's group.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:37 AM on February 10, 2015
While your fellow students might not be your cohort, you'll still see them every class, so you may as well try to engage, even if it's just to say hello or ask where's the best place to get whatever near campus.
And there's other ways to exchange social media info than FB. You can give people a Google voice number which rings on whatever device you chose, including landlines. I don't think that's a reason to feel all left out--why not just give them an email address? Or hand-out actual cards with your contact info?
The ex's treatment of you might be worth talking to a therapist about. Or a survivor's group.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:37 AM on February 10, 2015
Don't be so hard on yourself for living at home still. It's a huge trend that is becoming a new normal in the USA.
I don't have the exact same privacy concerns as you, but I hate to be findable due to people in my past. I joined Meetup under an old nickname barely anyone knows, and I didn't enter my last name. I've tried every permutation of googling and my Meetup profile's never been connected to my real name. Plenty of meetup profiles have either a proxy photo (like their cat) or a photo from a distance so you can't really identify someone. You can also use privacy controls to prevent people from seeing much about you. I hope you give Meetup a shot with these adjustments, because it was how I made a bunch of local friends with a common interest when I was not working.
Facebook is slightly less simple to negotiate in your situation because depending on who you make contact with, even with privacy lockdowns your profile can be located. My profile is as privacy-enabled as is allowed, and you can still find my profile if you know one of my distinctively-named, privacy-heedless friends.
Even if you used your first name and middle name instead of your legal name (like many of my friends do), that is still identifiable enough to exes who might find you through one of those privacy-heedless friends I mentioned above. A total pseudonym could be used, though when you tell some people (especially ones you're just meeting) they may be confused. It's not a big deal though, plenty of people prefer to use other names on Facebook.
You don't have to share your location or any personal info, really. Using a gmail you create just for the Facebook account is an added layer of protection. No way for an ex to know it, and you can set gmail up to forward it to your real account. With the profile photo you can do the same as with Meetup -- distance photos are great for this.
Periodic Google searches are good to ensure none of your info has shown up publicly, by the way. And if you do find things, you can submit them to Google to be taken down. Privacy is crucial, but having no friends and social connections is really hard to endure. I can't adequately explain how much my life improved when I had even just a few friends, even just acquaintances.
I hope this helps, please MeMail me if you want any more details.
posted by Locative at 7:17 AM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't have the exact same privacy concerns as you, but I hate to be findable due to people in my past. I joined Meetup under an old nickname barely anyone knows, and I didn't enter my last name. I've tried every permutation of googling and my Meetup profile's never been connected to my real name. Plenty of meetup profiles have either a proxy photo (like their cat) or a photo from a distance so you can't really identify someone. You can also use privacy controls to prevent people from seeing much about you. I hope you give Meetup a shot with these adjustments, because it was how I made a bunch of local friends with a common interest when I was not working.
Facebook is slightly less simple to negotiate in your situation because depending on who you make contact with, even with privacy lockdowns your profile can be located. My profile is as privacy-enabled as is allowed, and you can still find my profile if you know one of my distinctively-named, privacy-heedless friends.
Even if you used your first name and middle name instead of your legal name (like many of my friends do), that is still identifiable enough to exes who might find you through one of those privacy-heedless friends I mentioned above. A total pseudonym could be used, though when you tell some people (especially ones you're just meeting) they may be confused. It's not a big deal though, plenty of people prefer to use other names on Facebook.
You don't have to share your location or any personal info, really. Using a gmail you create just for the Facebook account is an added layer of protection. No way for an ex to know it, and you can set gmail up to forward it to your real account. With the profile photo you can do the same as with Meetup -- distance photos are great for this.
Periodic Google searches are good to ensure none of your info has shown up publicly, by the way. And if you do find things, you can submit them to Google to be taken down. Privacy is crucial, but having no friends and social connections is really hard to endure. I can't adequately explain how much my life improved when I had even just a few friends, even just acquaintances.
I hope this helps, please MeMail me if you want any more details.
posted by Locative at 7:17 AM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
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