Looking for something a step down from "NO TOUCHING!"

January 23, 2015 10:32 AM

I need advice on how to tactfully stop my co-workers from touching me.

I really don't like being touched. There a few exceptions, including my SO, as well as close friends, when its a mutually agreed upon scenario (like a hug goodbye, for instance). This past year, I transferred to a new location within my company. At the previous location, I had well established the no touching rule, and my coworkers understood and respected that. At this new location, I was worried about making a good impression and not coming off as aloof (as an introvert, I get that a lot). So, I didn't set very good boundaries in the touching arena. This team is much more touchy-feely than my previous team, and everyone else is very receptive to it. (We work in a very laid back, fun atmosphere with mostly young people.)

So, several months have passed, and there are a few women on the team who have taken to greeting me by rubbing my back (as they do to everyone else on the team). I am also a woman, and there is nothing sexual about it; it is clearly a friendly gesture. But it just makes me tense and uncomfortable. I know the obvious answer is to say, "please don't do that." The issues I see with this are twofold: first, I've allowed this to go on for several months now, so I feel a bit sheepish saying anything at this point. Second, I socialize with these folks some, and at this point they are my main group of friends at the new location I live in. I don't want to do anything to ostracize myself, as I'm really only on the outer circle of the group to begin with. (I understand a lot of people don't recommend socializing with coworkers, but please take at face value that it is a part of the culture at this job, and it isn't up for debate.)

So, how can I extricate myself from the backrubs and other touching, without coming off as a weirdo?

posted by bluloo to Human Relations (27 answers total)

So, how can I extricate myself from the backrubs and other touching, without coming off as a weirdo?

Backrub often means they're coming up behind you, yes? I am touchy-feely but even so I jump to the ceiling when someone touches my back unexpectedly. (... or starts talking when I'm focused on work ... or appears in my doorway ... or ... )

People don't touch me at work anymore.

So maybe an "unintentional" exaggerated response to the touching?
posted by headnsouth at 10:38 AM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Are you close with one or two specific women who could spread the word?
Tell them this is awkward and you're sorry you didn't say anything sooner, but you have this thing about being touched. It makes you really umcomfortable and could they please not rub your back? And you should have said so earlier but you didn't want to come across as standoffish since you really like them.
Basically, just play up the awkward, it's okay, it makes you sound sincere.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:50 AM on January 23, 2015 [36 favorites]

I suggest acknowledging their good intentions, and then communicating your needs. "I understand / appreciate that the back rub (or shoulder pat, etc) is warm and affectionate, but I get a little uptight from physical contact. Hope that makes sense and that you understand.."
posted by elf27 at 10:51 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Oh, I wish you wouldn't surprise me like that -- I once jumped so hard that I bruised the person who touched me, and I would feel awful if I hurt you by accident, especially when you're just trying to be sweet."
posted by MonkeyToes at 10:56 AM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

Look, you're going to have to bite the bullet and tell them not to rub your back. Tell them the next time it happens that you know they mean well, but that it doesn't feel good because for whatever reason it makes you anxious. Then change the subject.

Be gracious and understanding...and resolve within yourself to do a better job of communicating your boundaries to other going forward. (Not that you should ever have to tell an adult that you should only touch other adults with their consent...but here we are)

Anything else you might do non-verbally is just passive aggressive and may take forever with some people.
posted by inturnaround at 10:58 AM on January 23, 2015 [9 favorites]

"I wanted to get to know everyone before mentioning this, but I'm not quite comfortable with personal touch at work. It's nothing to do with anyone in the office, just one of my quirks."
posted by Snarl Furillo at 10:59 AM on January 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

Be the standard bearer for those of us who prefer NOT to have personal space invaded by presumptuous back-rubbers. Start a "Leave Me Alone, Do Not Touch" movement and I for one will support you.
posted by Cranberry at 11:07 AM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

I know the obvious answer is to say, "please don't do that." The issues I see with this are twofold: first, I've allowed this to go on for several months now, so I feel a bit sheepish saying anything at this point. Second, I socialize with these folks some

Well, because you let it happen, I think you kind of need to be direct and let them know this is not working for you.

And then bend over backwards to make sure they feel welcomed, befriended, you are glad to see them, etc. You just need to do a bit of short term overcompensating to strongly signal "I adore you. We are friends. The no-touching policy is some personal weirdness of mine and is NOT rejection of you. I so deeply appreciate that y'all are being so good as to accommodate my personal quirks. It's a big part of why I value your friendship. Etc."

Just clearly and strongly separate the issue of touching from signaling acceptance of their friendship. Make sure they know it really and truly is not some form of rejection of them as individuals.

It may take a while to really convince them. But it can be done. You just need to be persistent about signaling "yeah, please don't do that. Ugh. I really hate that. But I am so thrilled to see you and that you came to my cubicle and I am so happy to talk with you about whatever it is you are here for." (I am not suggesting you use that exact language. You probably shouldn't. But that's the emotional content you want to get across somehow: No, really and truly, I LIKE you and I ACCEPT you and I value our friendship. And never mind my weird no touchy thing.)
posted by Michele in California at 11:17 AM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

I would think carefully before saying anything because maybe the reality of the touching isn't so bad. You seem to have been able to successfully put up with this for a while. So maybe, using the principles of exposure-response therapy, you may actually be more okay with the slight touching than you think?
posted by kinetic at 11:21 AM on January 23, 2015

Perhaps you could say to one of the women, or to HR, "I don't want to make this a big thing, but I need your help. I don't like being touched but I haven't felt comfortable enough to tell anything this and as such everyone thinks it's okay. Could you help me by spreading the word? It's truly nothing personal. I just don't like it and it leaves me feeling out of sorts for the rest of the day, which obviously benefits none of us."

Being direct and polite is the best avenue here though.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:32 AM on January 23, 2015

Whoa, you startled me! Just not a touch person, eh wot?
Holy crap! What the?? Oh, yeah, I'm kind of sensitive, but thanks for the thought.
Loud Interjection, Polite explanation, maybe a nice phrase indicating you understand good intentions.
posted by theora55 at 11:34 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

As someone who used to be a little physical (but not quite back-rubs) in professional situations, I'd want you to tell me directly. Be polite, be firm, but be direct and personal.

At one point I worked with someone who went to HR and they turned it into this big THING that made everyone feel bad and put on when it could have been a really pleasant 1-2-3 instead of HR mandated lectures and write-ups.

"I generally don't like being physical with people at work. I know that may seem weird to you, but it is really important to me that I have my own space. &c."

I would say do not apologize for being who you are and wanting some space. I would not suggest saying "I'm sorry but..." You shouldn't be sorry for anything.
posted by Tchad at 11:45 AM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

I will second don't apologize.

My advice above to 1) be direct and 2) make an effort to make them feel like this isn't some secret code for rejection either does not involve apologizing, excusing, etc. You are entitled to want what you want here. This is not unreasonable. But I think it is also not unreasonable for other people to feel hurt or confused or wonder if they did something wrong or whatever. So my emphasis would be on "It's me, not you. You're totally fab! I'm just not a touchy sort. Thank you for understanding." And make them feel emotionally embraced while also making it clear that doesn't mean I'm up for hugs.
posted by Michele in California at 12:44 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

Of course you don't owe an apology for who you are or for stating your boundaries; however, any decent person might feel bad about having made you uncomfortable in the past, so I think in this case it does make sense to be somewhat apologetic about that.

Things like, "Oh! You startled me!" won't be effective in the long run.

Since you socialize with these people, maybe bring it up with a couple/few in a social setting and when no one is touching you. For example: "It's very sweet that this group is so affectionate, and I've felt awkward telling such nice people that I really strongly dislike being touched. Do you think there's a way I could let people know that without causing hurt feelings?"

That way you've already told a couple people and invited enough conversation to make it very clear that it's about your personal space, not about disliking the people. You might get some suggestions and/or those people might be willing to spread the word.

Be willing to accept that some people's idea of what's "strange" is simply anything that differs from their own thinking/feeling. Then you can honestly say, "I know it may seem strange to you; it's just how I am, and it doesn't seem to be something that will change."

Good luck!
posted by whoiam at 1:20 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

Especially since it sounds like you're friendly with these folks, I would be pretty honest about the situation and say something like "You know, I feel sheepish in bringing this up now, but I have to be honest that I don't love being touched. I should have said something sooner -- and this is in no way your fault for not knowing! -- but I was too worried about making a new impression at this job. Anyway, not a huge deal and I love hanging out with you guys, but just wanted to ask you to dial it down on the backrubs." I think most people would respond well to this. I have a friend (not from work) who said something similar to me once as I'm a big hugger and she does not love the hugs. Totally did not take offense and do my best to remember.

Also - be gentle and forgiving if people don't get it right away. I say this as someone on the other end of the spectrum...especially if this is a workplace cultural thing and everyone else is doing it, and has been doing it forever, it can actually be sort of difficult to remember that someone doesn't like it. Especially because it's a big deal to you, but one random person out of all their coworkers to them. Yes, people should make a good faith effort to remember, OF COURSE. But, try to be forgiving if it takes a few tries or people occasionally forget.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:22 PM on January 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I feel like this warrants a "bad news sandwich".

Pick the most laid back person who touches you, or maybe the one you're closest to. Immediately after they've touched you, stop what you're doing and engage them directly. Start with a nice thing "hey good morning, I got you a coffee/your shoes are cute today/great work on the TPS reports last week." Then go directly to the issue "so I'm really not comfortable with people touching me unless I initiate it, could we just say hi to each other instead?" Be sure you're clear about how it's everyone, not only this one person. Then follow up with specific trust/friendship "I didn't want to upset anyone but you're such a good listener/really accepting/relaxed about these things/I knew you would be cool with it/so respectful and kind." Wait for them to absorb the info, reassure them if they're worried they've offended you, and then staunchly insist on moving on to business, or maybe planning the social thing that week.

This whole thing should take less than three minutes, no raised voices or strange circumstances like asking them to sit down or go to another room with you, on as normal a day as you can wrangle.

I think young people are going to be particularly receptive to this. If the person you pick first isn't the type to spread the word to others, use it like a test run and then do it with each successively less-receptive person.
posted by Mizu at 2:15 PM on January 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

Or what about talking to a few at lunch ---AWAY from the encounters.
That might help to neutralize the basic information you want to convey without sounding like a personal reaction to them.
posted by calgirl at 2:34 PM on January 23, 2015

Look, I'm in the "don't apologize" camp too, but some of this comes down to how much energy you want to invest in this and the fallout from this. Earnestly explaining this to others is going to involve a lot of work and persistence.

What I do is act VERY surprised by the worst offenders, usually jumping and flinging my arms around (without touching). Repeat worst offenders including the guy who would squeeze the nape of my neck accidentally get liquid (not hot!) spilled on them. By the time Mr. Neck got cold coffee dumped on his dress slacks, my other coworkers were so well coached they chided him for startling me.

Didn't take long at all, and now they let me initiate contact. Bonus, I didn't have to go out of my way so they'd know I still liked, valued and appreciated them.
posted by arnicae at 2:44 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Not wanting to be touched doesn't make you a 'weirdo' and I don't think you owe anyone an apology for setting and maintaining a boundary. If anyone owes anyone an apology, it's the person harassing you.

When I was being touched by a work colleague (who would also come up behind me and commence the inappropriate behaviour - who on earth thinks it's a good idea to get someone's attention by doing that?!), I went the route of clear and direct. I asked to speak to the person in private and said "You're making me feel uncomfortable with X, Y and Z behaviours. Please stop doing them." It's calm and clear, leaving no room for "I thought you meant...". Ultimately, I had to speak to that person's manager to get her to stop doing it. She remembered right quick after that conversation that I didn't like it.

Since you socialise with these people, could you get some one-on-one time with one of the individuals doing it and mention that you don't like to be touched, clearly and plainly? You don't necessarily have to specify that you don't like that particular individual touching you, just that in general you don't like it. Hopefully that will take the sting out of your rejection of her. Not that you should have to self-deprecate to someone with inappropriate boundaries, but there you go. Make a note of the time and date of this conversation, and what was said. Hopefully you'll never need those details and folks will back off. If they don't, you'll be able to prove that you spoke to [person] about the situation if you ever decide to escalate.
posted by Solomon at 3:35 PM on January 23, 2015

Best answer: I'm also an almost no-touch person who spends time in very touchy-feely environments. (Won't shake hands because of arthritis.) I've had success with combining many of the suggestions above:

• Acknowledge their best intentions: Oh, Chris, it's so nice to see you today, you're looking ready to do great work
• Introduce the no-touch rule without apology Don't know if I've mentioned this, but backrubs and shoulder-squeezes really unnerve me.
• Provide an alternative behavior to the unwanted touching. But there's nothing like a fist bump to make me feel welcome.

Suggesting an alternative has really helped, and I can gently remind people by holding up my fist for bumpage when we see each other.

You do not have to make an explanation. (I have health reasons, and I've tried every combination of tmi, tl;dr, and silence). In the end, the best approach is:

• thanks for caring
• here's what's not to do
• here's what to do
• on with the show!

posted by Jesse the K at 4:29 PM on January 23, 2015 [7 favorites]

I'm a conflict averse avoider in the work place. I'd complain about a sore back and neck and ask people not to touch it. Have it as a long standing condition that flares up and down so they can't know when it's ok to touch. And yes, you've got a physio and do all your exercises, it's just something that happened years ago affer a skiing accident/sex manoeuvre/cage fight that you deal with and it often doesn't bother you. But uh, yeah, right now it's flaring up a bit. And will likely flare up again. Probably a friend at church/neighbour/creepy uncle gave you a too firm shoulder rub on the weekend. ;-)
posted by taff at 4:32 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Let your body express your discomfort with being touched. Tense up, make a face, move away, never touch anyone back, stand a little apart etc. People will pick up subconsciously or consciously on that right away and stop touching you one (I also don't like being touched most of the timeand it's so obvious people often apologize to me without me saying a word).

"Oh, I wish you wouldn't surprise me like that -- I once jumped so hard that I bruised the person who touched me, and I would feel awful if I hurt you by accident, especially when you're just trying to be sweet."

Dont say this, it makes you sound like a serial killer or Rep Don Young or something.
posted by fshgrl at 4:43 PM on January 23, 2015

I'm in the crowd of people advising "Say something already."

Something else to consider -- and perhaps make it easier to speak up -- is that you're obviously not touching them. If that's the general tone of the office, you're probably already coming across as distant/different/not-one-of-us. Much better to explain (rather not be touched), semi-apologise for not saying something sooner, and then make an effort to do some touching yourself. Not back rubs or hugs, but consciously touch an arm or shoulder when talking. And try not to flinch when you're touched. I'm betting there is a degree of flinching already, and they're trying to make you feel more comfortable by hugging you more.

FWIW, I'm a Frequent Toucher and I dislike having someone come up and rub my back. Way too invasive. Don't feel like you're out of line here, even if all those nice people want to do it with the best of intentions.
posted by kestralwing at 5:34 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

I hate to be this person because I HATE people touching me as well, but sometimes touchers just can't seem to help it. I've done the grimacing, stepping back, making direct and indirect comments, etc. but to no avail. Close talkers too, god, work environments can really be too much.

If it was sexual or harassing, sure, you really have to step up, but I find that the touchers are kind of just another garden variety work annoyance. Like "really, this too?" "sigh".
posted by bquarters at 6:01 PM on January 23, 2015

I would prioritize not being touched over not seeming like a weirdo. Someone might think you're weird who cares?

Another thing you can do is say say that I shoulda brought this up earlier but I don't like to be touched it makes me somewhat uncomfortable.

you're going to have to step up and say something. You will not be considered Francis from the Bill Murray movie Stripes.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:43 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm kind of like Ironmouth, I would just say, "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, I should have said something before, but I'm not a toucher." Like for the next 15 times in a row. It just seems like an okay thing to not be.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:06 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Pull away and say, calmly "Sorry, I'm not really the touchy-feely type."

I know some folks are against using the "sorry," and you don't have to. But it helps me get the sentence out.

Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 6:37 AM on January 24, 2015