Should I break up with my mom?
January 18, 2011 10:01 AM Subscribe
The crazy lady killed my cat, hates my boyfriend, and is acting vindictively again...I am fully prepared to cut her out of my life forever. Should I?
posted by thebeagle to Human Relations (39 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
This was all touched off by my recent trip to California to visit my sister. My mom and my boyfriend came with. My boyfriend was seriously irritated by my mom. That's legit. I've had 27 years to deal with her crazy, and there are things that she does that I tolerate because that's how she's always been (ie pretending she doesn't know how to do something because she wants someone to do it for her, letting me know that I should just settle for a job that makes me unhappy because I can't get another one, etc.)
I wanted a cat when I was 12 and I got one. But when I went to college I left him at home with my dad (my parents are divorced). Well, my dad lost his house and couldn't take care of the cat anymore, about 2 years ago, and my mom took the cat (I couldn't because I have a beagle, and they didn't get along). My mom was gone from her house for 7 days and thought that leaving some food and water out for the cat, who was suffering from reduced kidney function, would be okay. Shockingly, when we got back (my friends gave her and us a ride to/from the airport), the cat was dehydrated and nearly dead, surrounded by feces and he screamed when he saw a person close to him, but his pupils were dilated and he couldn't blink or move, just scream. I was pretty traumatized, and I tried to give him water. My mom basically said that he was going to be okay and she was going to sleep. I took the cat home (as she yelled at me that it wasn't her cat anyway, and that if I took him I couldn't give him back) and tried to get him to be more responsive. I took him to the vet the next day, but it turned out that he wasn't going to make it so I decided to have him euthanized.
My mom never called me or spoke to me after this happened, which is kind of consistent with my childhood (lucky my sister and I survived; probably because my dad was there to feed us and stuff).
When I went back to her house to get my tv a few weeks later (I let her borrow it b/c there wasn't room enough for it in my apartment), she demurred and said that she had paid for it anyway so it was hers (since she had given me some money after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 6 years and I was moving from his house into an apartment but didn't have enough savings to furnish it).
She eventually decided to let me have the tv (while calling my boyfriend a good-for-nothing loser since he had attempted to ask her to back off while we were in CA)(yes it should have been me, but I evidently have difficulty setting boundaries). Later that evening she sent me an email letting me know that since I'd taken the tv that she would be wanting other things back that she had given me in the past.
This is driving me crazy. It feels like she's a crazy boyfriend trying to hurt me in a breakup (my relatively recent ex and I were very civil, and he never tried to keep me from anything I left in his house, and I never wanted to hurt him). I feel like I'm ready to break up with her. Obviously, after the cat died I knew that she'd never be alone with any children I ever have. But I imagined a cordial Hallmark card relationship, until she sent that email. Now I'm pissed, I don't know what to do about the crazy email (should I give her back the panini grill she never used and I took as a favor to get it out of her garage since it was in the box for 2 years???). This is consistent with her past behavior, which I would politely characterize as emotionally abusive. But for some reason the fact that she's my mom makes me hope that she'll support me someday.
Breaking up is hard to do, and more so with a parent. Let me know how to set boundaries better, or make me feel better about never talking to her again, or not. Give me some feedback. I appreciate it.