How do wedding registries work?
January 20, 2015 12:06 AM Subscribe
We're getting married in a few months, and we've gotten as far as creating an Amazon registry and adding a few things to it.
Now, how do we go about letting people know about this registry? Does it go on the invitation, on a wedding website? Also, is registering at one place enough? I feel like Amazon has everything we need. I have some family members who want to give cash, which I am more than okay with. How does that usually work?
Sorry for the simple and multiple questions. My brain is a little scrambled from wedding frenzy.
Now, how do we go about letting people know about this registry? Does it go on the invitation, on a wedding website? Also, is registering at one place enough? I feel like Amazon has everything we need. I have some family members who want to give cash, which I am more than okay with. How does that usually work?
Sorry for the simple and multiple questions. My brain is a little scrambled from wedding frenzy.
You'd put the link on the invite, yes. You could put a website up if you wanted to, but I would definitely put it on the invite as well. Sometimes you can get a little card, I don't know if Amazon will let you print things from it. Usually people can buy "vouchers" for the site if they want to.
I don't know how one does cash. In a viatnamese wedding they put them in an envelope and you collect it at one point. You could also give bank details for people to make a direct transfer.
posted by Cannon Fodder at 12:14 AM on January 20, 2015
I don't know how one does cash. In a viatnamese wedding they put them in an envelope and you collect it at one point. You could also give bank details for people to make a direct transfer.
posted by Cannon Fodder at 12:14 AM on January 20, 2015
On the logistics of cash, most weddings have a box or basket for cards (example). If it's a basket, obviously it needs to be covered with just a slit for inserting cards. The basket goes somewhere near the receiving line. Once the receiving line is finished and people head to dinner someone in the bridal party takes the basket and locks it away.
I would think it tacky to be giving bank transfer details, but as I said, people will be unhappy no matter what you do, so just do whatever you want. Within reason...I mean don't break into people's cars and steal their cash or anything, but short of that, do whatever you want and rest assured some people will like it and some people won't.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 12:21 AM on January 20, 2015
I would think it tacky to be giving bank transfer details, but as I said, people will be unhappy no matter what you do, so just do whatever you want. Within reason...I mean don't break into people's cars and steal their cash or anything, but short of that, do whatever you want and rest assured some people will like it and some people won't.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 12:21 AM on January 20, 2015
This is very, very much a cultural question. I am asking from the viewpoint of my own family, local, socio-econimic background and traditions of etiquette. You will get different answers and mileage will vary enormously.
Now, how do we go about letting people know about this registry? Does it go on the invitation, on a wedding website?
The rule is: you don't. It is rude to ask for or expect gifts. You give the registry information to your parents, your aunts, and your bridal party and they distribute it through word of mouth/email/facebook/whatever.
However, with modern weddings this is not always practical. If you are inviting people who are not hooked in to your friends and family network, you can include the tiniest, most discreet registry card ever printed in the envelope your are sending invitations in. Under no circumstances should you put this information on the invitation itself. It's a wedding not a swap meet.
Also, is registering at one place enough? I feel like Amazon has everything we need.
Yes, if all your guests are in the US. Note you will still get weird, random gifts from people regardless of where you register.
I have some family members who want to give cash, which I am more than okay with. How does that usually work?
Card box by the guestbook at the reception. A parent or your MOH or some other responsible, relatively sober adult should periodically empty it and secure the cash and checks.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:55 AM on January 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
Now, how do we go about letting people know about this registry? Does it go on the invitation, on a wedding website?
The rule is: you don't. It is rude to ask for or expect gifts. You give the registry information to your parents, your aunts, and your bridal party and they distribute it through word of mouth/email/facebook/whatever.
However, with modern weddings this is not always practical. If you are inviting people who are not hooked in to your friends and family network, you can include the tiniest, most discreet registry card ever printed in the envelope your are sending invitations in. Under no circumstances should you put this information on the invitation itself. It's a wedding not a swap meet.
Also, is registering at one place enough? I feel like Amazon has everything we need.
Yes, if all your guests are in the US. Note you will still get weird, random gifts from people regardless of where you register.
I have some family members who want to give cash, which I am more than okay with. How does that usually work?
Card box by the guestbook at the reception. A parent or your MOH or some other responsible, relatively sober adult should periodically empty it and secure the cash and checks.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:55 AM on January 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
If you don't want to annoy the Miss Manners crowd (who says that registry details or any mention of gifts whatsoever should never be sent with invitations!) what you do is this:
You ask the MOH or a close friend to be your spreader of information. Then you write a line in your invite like "If you have any questions, Amy will be happy to answer them. (telephone number, email address)".
You should do this anyway because people ask the darndest questions.
Also tell your mom and dad, so they can tell relatives when they get asked.
Etiquette says It's not tacky to answer when asked. It is tacky to imply that gifts are expected.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:56 AM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
You ask the MOH or a close friend to be your spreader of information. Then you write a line in your invite like "If you have any questions, Amy will be happy to answer them. (telephone number, email address)".
You should do this anyway because people ask the darndest questions.
Also tell your mom and dad, so they can tell relatives when they get asked.
Etiquette says It's not tacky to answer when asked. It is tacky to imply that gifts are expected.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:56 AM on January 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
As someone who used to work on the internals of that feature, I might be able to help on the technical side.
On letting people know: There should be a 'Share' button/option, which will generate a short URL. That's what you'll want to print on invitations/websites/etc. (I'll defer to others on etiquette)
Key thing: Make sure you have the privacy setting set to either 'Shared' or 'Public'. 'Private' means nobody else will be able to see it. (If you have it set to 'Public', you could even get away with just telling people that your registry is on Amazon, and they'll be able to search for your registry by you/your partner's names, wedding month, and wedding state)
There isn't currently a feature for giving cash through Amazon, sadly.
Also, confirming what If only I had a Penguin says above, there is a 10% completion discount. (Not going to get too much into the details there, for clear reasons)
It's also mobile-friendly now, so if etiquette provides, you can pull it up on your phone and show people show there. (When they're directed to it, they can either order things straight from the site or say that they've bought it elsewhere and cross it off the list)
If there's any other questions you have about the software of it, MeFi Mail me and I might be able to help.
Congratulations!
posted by CrystalDave at 1:07 AM on January 20, 2015
On letting people know: There should be a 'Share' button/option, which will generate a short URL. That's what you'll want to print on invitations/websites/etc. (I'll defer to others on etiquette)
Key thing: Make sure you have the privacy setting set to either 'Shared' or 'Public'. 'Private' means nobody else will be able to see it. (If you have it set to 'Public', you could even get away with just telling people that your registry is on Amazon, and they'll be able to search for your registry by you/your partner's names, wedding month, and wedding state)
There isn't currently a feature for giving cash through Amazon, sadly.
Also, confirming what If only I had a Penguin says above, there is a 10% completion discount. (Not going to get too much into the details there, for clear reasons)
It's also mobile-friendly now, so if etiquette provides, you can pull it up on your phone and show people show there. (When they're directed to it, they can either order things straight from the site or say that they've bought it elsewhere and cross it off the list)
If there's any other questions you have about the software of it, MeFi Mail me and I might be able to help.
Congratulations!
posted by CrystalDave at 1:07 AM on January 20, 2015
People who want to give cash will be more than happy to tuck a check into their card for you. These arrive at your house in the weeks before the wedding. Some cultures have a money tree, a money dance or that big satin purse like in The Godfather. It's not my cultural heritage and I think it's slightly tacky, but it exists.
Your friends and family spread the word about where you're registered. People may ask you outright, and you can tell them. I wouldn't put it on the invitation, although I may put a link to the registry on a wedding website.
Don't put it in the invitation, not on the invite, not as a separate piece of paper. I'll pronounce that 100% tacky. If people don't know to call you, your sister, your dad or look at the website....you can always exchange whatever hideous thing they're going to send you for store credit.
Don't focus on this too much. It's about the marriage, not the presents.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:46 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your friends and family spread the word about where you're registered. People may ask you outright, and you can tell them. I wouldn't put it on the invitation, although I may put a link to the registry on a wedding website.
Don't put it in the invitation, not on the invite, not as a separate piece of paper. I'll pronounce that 100% tacky. If people don't know to call you, your sister, your dad or look at the website....you can always exchange whatever hideous thing they're going to send you for store credit.
Don't focus on this too much. It's about the marriage, not the presents.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:46 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would think it tacky to be giving bank transfer details, but as I said, people will be unhappy no matter what you do, so just do whatever you want.
Some countries have all but abandoned checks in favor of bank transfers. The "check in with the card" thing isn't going to be a thing if no one has a checkbook anymore. No idea how you politely convey the bank details, though.
posted by hoyland at 4:48 AM on January 20, 2015
Some countries have all but abandoned checks in favor of bank transfers. The "check in with the card" thing isn't going to be a thing if no one has a checkbook anymore. No idea how you politely convey the bank details, though.
posted by hoyland at 4:48 AM on January 20, 2015
Go to a registry event. You can walk through a store and scan what you want. This isn't something you can do on Amazon, which is more like "scan what you can think of." Also, Amazon isn't usually the cheapest place to buy low volume items.
posted by oceanjesse at 4:49 AM on January 20, 2015
posted by oceanjesse at 4:49 AM on January 20, 2015
You do not need to give your registry details to anyone for people to find your registry. There are a zillion registry aggregators on the Internet. I have used them to find so many registries without being told the details.
posted by grouse at 4:58 AM on January 20, 2015
posted by grouse at 4:58 AM on January 20, 2015
You might also want to start a registry at a common bricks-and-mortar store for non-Internet savvy folks. Target, Macy's, Pottery Barn, Sears, or whatever other national chain floats your boat.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:11 AM on January 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 5:11 AM on January 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
DarlingBri has the answer: a separate tiny card listing where you're registered, tucked into the envelope with the invitation.
One caveat: think about registering at a bricks & mortar store in addition to Amazon, because there is surely someone in your family (like grandparents) who hate going online and would rather shop in person.
posted by easily confused at 5:20 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
One caveat: think about registering at a bricks & mortar store in addition to Amazon, because there is surely someone in your family (like grandparents) who hate going online and would rather shop in person.
posted by easily confused at 5:20 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
On the question of whether it's tacky to print registry info in the invitation, the Miss Manners crowd will always say yes (never request a gift!), and a large number of other people will always say it's not tacky at all (it's information we need/want!).
Ways around this:
- as mentioned, print a contact number for a bridesmaid or organizer.
- family friends know to ask your mom, so tell your mom what to say (this was the traditional solution, back when all wedding invitees knew your mom's phone number).
- the modern solution is a wedding website: schedule of the day (and/or the weekend), hotel information (reserve a block of rooms), maps, and a link to registries. Although you're still "asking for gifts" by putting the link there, Miss Manners can avoid fainting because the only thing you've printed on the invites is the "more info" web address.
posted by aimedwander at 5:20 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ways around this:
- as mentioned, print a contact number for a bridesmaid or organizer.
- family friends know to ask your mom, so tell your mom what to say (this was the traditional solution, back when all wedding invitees knew your mom's phone number).
- the modern solution is a wedding website: schedule of the day (and/or the weekend), hotel information (reserve a block of rooms), maps, and a link to registries. Although you're still "asking for gifts" by putting the link there, Miss Manners can avoid fainting because the only thing you've printed on the invites is the "more info" web address.
posted by aimedwander at 5:20 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you have a wedding website, that's the best place for the registry info. Also make sure that parents and plugged-in friends know the details. If you don't have a wedding website, I recommend making one. It's a good place for info like directions to the venue (for when people lose the invitation) and whether the ceremony is on grass and they should choose their shoes appropriately (although from my reading/experience, people will still ask you a zillion questions about small details.)
You may want to consider a brick and mortar store, for two reasons:
1) for people (including but not limited to elderly relatives) who prefer to shop in person.
2) because it's difficult to return things purchased from an amazon registry, and you will probably get doubles of some things.
Having said that, we only have an internet registry and so far no one has screamed at us so....we'll see how many toasters we end up with.
Giving cash as a wedding gift usually works by putting a cheque in a card and leaving the card in a helpfully labelled "CARDS" box that is somewhere near the guest book. At least that's how it works at most weddings I've been to. I'm not really into sites that allow you to give cash online because most of them take a cut off the top.
posted by quaking fajita at 5:22 AM on January 20, 2015
You may want to consider a brick and mortar store, for two reasons:
1) for people (including but not limited to elderly relatives) who prefer to shop in person.
2) because it's difficult to return things purchased from an amazon registry, and you will probably get doubles of some things.
Having said that, we only have an internet registry and so far no one has screamed at us so....we'll see how many toasters we end up with.
Giving cash as a wedding gift usually works by putting a cheque in a card and leaving the card in a helpfully labelled "CARDS" box that is somewhere near the guest book. At least that's how it works at most weddings I've been to. I'm not really into sites that allow you to give cash online because most of them take a cut off the top.
posted by quaking fajita at 5:22 AM on January 20, 2015
FYI, if you want a simpler website for something being printed, you can just use "amazon.com/wedding". They need to type in your name but I think most people can manage that.
(I just think the short URLs Amazon generates look ugly.)
posted by smackfu at 5:49 AM on January 20, 2015
(I just think the short URLs Amazon generates look ugly.)
posted by smackfu at 5:49 AM on January 20, 2015
Almost every wedding invitation I've remember receiving in the last 15 years has included a card with the registry info or something similar. I think a couple may have included it with the save the date instead. I don't recall ever having to hunt for it or ask around. Obviously ymmv, but at least amongst my friends and family and my wife's friends and family (west coast of the U.S.), it's accepted and expected to provide it in the invitation. It's possible we're a bunch of horribly rude people, but I do think so.....
posted by primethyme at 6:27 AM on January 20, 2015
posted by primethyme at 6:27 AM on January 20, 2015
I agree that you should also include a physical store registry. Some people are just really uncomfortable shopping online for some reason, maybe especially from store that don't have brick-and-mortar presence? It's bewildering to those of us who use Amazon for EVERYTHING but this kind of behavior is pretty widespread, at least among my family and friends (and not just among older, non-tech-savvy people).
And for how to convey the registry information, as you can see it's totally microculture dependent. Ask your friends/family who've gotten married recently how they did it.
posted by mskyle at 6:28 AM on January 20, 2015
And for how to convey the registry information, as you can see it's totally microculture dependent. Ask your friends/family who've gotten married recently how they did it.
posted by mskyle at 6:28 AM on January 20, 2015
no matter what you do, someone will think it's wrong. So just do whatever is easiest for you.
This. The easiest thing these days is to just put it on your wedding website. Believe me people will find it at the last minute. Make sure to keep it well stocked with medium-priced items or all low-priced items if your friends are broke.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:36 AM on January 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
This. The easiest thing these days is to just put it on your wedding website. Believe me people will find it at the last minute. Make sure to keep it well stocked with medium-priced items or all low-priced items if your friends are broke.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:36 AM on January 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'd put it on the wedding website, not the invitation.
Also most registries are pretty Googleable.
posted by radioamy at 7:48 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also most registries are pretty Googleable.
posted by radioamy at 7:48 AM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes, as above, put it on the web site, not anywhere in the invitation envelope. It's information people want to know, but you do not want to seem to be soliciting gifts (even though you are providing a list of appropriate-and-desired gifts to the people who insist on buying them even though you haven't asked, because people want to help you make a home. Yes, it feels selfish, but the registry isn't for you, it's for your guests and family).
Yes, as above, register with at least one national brick-and-mortar store in addition to Amazon. There is a huge generational divide. The people who will shop at Amazon won't set foot in a Macy's if they can help it; the people who'd rather go to Macy's are afraid to enter their credit card information online.
For reference, we had three registries, Amazon, Macy's, and Crate & Barrel. There are completion bonuses and free shipping deals available for registry items, and we have milked that (hey, this thing from Crate & Barrel is on sale, so let's go buy ourselves another registry gift and get free shipping on it). We tried to break our stuff up in logical ways, so the dishes were on the Macy's registry but not on the Amazon registry (even though Amazon sold them), and the knives were on the Amazon registry but not the Macy's one. That gave us the chance to earn the completion bonuses we wouldn't earn if the purchases were split. We also made sure we were only registered for any particular item at only one store, to make sure we didn't end up with doubles we'd have to return. And when the Crate & Barrel registry turned out to be surprisingly popular, we moved a few things onto it and off the other two registries in order to make sure there was a balance of price ranges at each store.
But yeah, definitely make your own wedding web site. Our wedding web site was a wordpress blog I hosted on a server I already had, but all the big wedding sites provide functions to create a less customized one with just a few clicks. And once you register at Macy's or Crate & Barrel or Bed Bath & Beyond or whatever, your registry will become public and get picked up automatically by a couple of those sites anyway (try googling yourselves about a month after you register to see who's indexed you). Rather than have a machine generate a wedding web site for you, you should get out of the gate yourselves.
posted by fedward at 8:41 AM on January 20, 2015
Yes, as above, register with at least one national brick-and-mortar store in addition to Amazon. There is a huge generational divide. The people who will shop at Amazon won't set foot in a Macy's if they can help it; the people who'd rather go to Macy's are afraid to enter their credit card information online.
For reference, we had three registries, Amazon, Macy's, and Crate & Barrel. There are completion bonuses and free shipping deals available for registry items, and we have milked that (hey, this thing from Crate & Barrel is on sale, so let's go buy ourselves another registry gift and get free shipping on it). We tried to break our stuff up in logical ways, so the dishes were on the Macy's registry but not on the Amazon registry (even though Amazon sold them), and the knives were on the Amazon registry but not the Macy's one. That gave us the chance to earn the completion bonuses we wouldn't earn if the purchases were split. We also made sure we were only registered for any particular item at only one store, to make sure we didn't end up with doubles we'd have to return. And when the Crate & Barrel registry turned out to be surprisingly popular, we moved a few things onto it and off the other two registries in order to make sure there was a balance of price ranges at each store.
But yeah, definitely make your own wedding web site. Our wedding web site was a wordpress blog I hosted on a server I already had, but all the big wedding sites provide functions to create a less customized one with just a few clicks. And once you register at Macy's or Crate & Barrel or Bed Bath & Beyond or whatever, your registry will become public and get picked up automatically by a couple of those sites anyway (try googling yourselves about a month after you register to see who's indexed you). Rather than have a machine generate a wedding web site for you, you should get out of the gate yourselves.
posted by fedward at 8:41 AM on January 20, 2015
Response by poster: Thank you all! We will include a physical store or two for the people who don't like Amazon. And I will go with putting all the info on the website and nothing in the mailed invitations.
posted by madonna of the unloved at 12:48 PM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by madonna of the unloved at 12:48 PM on January 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
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1. You should put things on even if you don't anyone will get them for you, if you want them. Then you can buy them at a discount.
2. You should, if you are able without being tacky, encourage gifts of cash or gift cards from the place where you're registered. You get 25% more for their money if you buy it yourself at a discount after the wedding. (For every $80 someone gives you to spend, you get $100 worth of stuff).
On how to let people know, some people put it on their wedding web sites, some on the invitation (not on the invitation itself, but one one of the extra pieces of paper that ends up in there). Some people think either option is tacky and you should only tell people if they ask where you're registered and let the knowledge them spread by word of mouth. Some people think it's tacky to register at all. Some people will be annoyed if you don't register because they don't know what to get you.
So, no matter what you do, someone will think it's wrong. So just do whatever is easiest for you.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 12:14 AM on January 20, 2015 [5 favorites]