How can I explain myself?
January 18, 2015 7:26 AM Subscribe
I have dropped off the planet for a few months and have not communicated with my professors at all. I don’t know what to say. What should I say?
I haven’t answered emails from my supervisor at all for months. I haven’t turned in work from the summer for another course. I haven’t even checked the results from that term. I haven’t done anything at all. I’ve been pretending all of this doesn’t exist. The stakes are huge. I’m a non-traditional undergraduate student and I can’t afford to fail, but it seems I’m doing everything possible to make that happen.
Why? I don’t know. I lost my footing last year and haven’t really recovered. I had tremendous focus up until then, and it fell apart when several challenging personal events occurred at the same time that more difficult coursework tapped my weaknesses. Anxiety that had been decently managed got out of control, and I crumbled.
*
Extended background: I don’t have much money, so the help available to me is through the public health care system and the university. That help has been a joke, or it would be if it weren’t my only option. My own doctor does not himself handle mental health issues. He referred me to community resources, which were useless (unstructured; not specific to my problems; platitudes - “love yourself”). I went to the school’s counseling services - similar. Please take my word that I was sincere in my participation in therapy and that these experiences were just not helpful with the problems I have.
I saw another doctor, who referred me to a psychiatrist for assessment for a learning disability. Well, I missed that appointment. I’d told the receptionist I couldn’t make morning appointments. This is because I can’t sleep until past dawn; at that time I was going to bed at 8 am. The receptionist said it was a morning appointment or nothing at all for another six months. I agreed and fucked it up. I was too embarrassed to rebook or talk to the referring doctor again. Just their cancellation policies scare me off. (“If your appointment is on x, y and z days of the week, you must cancel on a or b days by 9:00 am or pay the missed appointment fee”.) Their policies are fair enough, there’s only so much time in the day and I’m sure I’m not the only flake. But it's enough to put me off, I'm scared of missing another appointment (I can't afford to pay for a lot of these).
All this is bad, though, beyond not improving, because I have nothing on paper. The help I could get didn’t help, and I fucked up my one chance at maybe some real assistance.
It’s gotten pretty bad since I missed that appointment. I’ve been hiding from everyone. I’ve been out socially three times since June. I am almost always in my apartment. My days are oriented around just trying to function. Shower, eat, dress, exercise, clean. I don’t have a routine, each of these activities takes a lot of effort to make happen. Doing these things - anything at all - involves a fair bit of dread and forcing myself out of inertia. My friends send worried texts and I pawn them off – “I’m studying”. I’m not. I’m in a pretty deep hole.
I have a few other very minor health issues that seem to get in the way– pain from arthritis, and a few other longstanding issues that arise unpredictably. I've been through the rounds with doctors and specialists on some of them, but they are not resolved or resolvable and only managed with OTC pain relievers. They’re enough to throw me when I do get a momentum going - I'll have a good day, I'll be ready to go, and whoops, actually it turns out that this day is for hot water bottles and not moving much.
Sleep is a major issue, always has been, but it’s been out of control, with sleep times as late as 8 am, as I said. I’ve been trying to fix that using various methods for several months. (Unsupervised – my doctor just wanted to throw hypnotics at me, which I do not want to take, and help with behavioral approaches was beyond the scope of the therapy I could access). I’ve gotten myself to a place where I’m up before noon just these past few weeks.
(I also recently had a minor cancer scare - the concern wasn’t about a scary cancer, if it was that, and thankfully I’m in the clear, but I went through months of visits for blood tests, ultrasounds, biopsies, and I don't know, worry, probaby more than was warranted.)
I’m tired of going to doctors’ and other care providers’ offices and not really being sick but not really being well and not really feeling helped. The idea of starting that process again is daunting, even thinking about it is tiring. I don’t have a lot of faith that I will find help in the system I'm in.
I feel like a weak person in every aspect – physical, emotional, mental. I can kind of imagine myself being strong, productive, focused, an achiever. It happens sporadically, and people (professors, employers) have seen some of these qualities in me and have been pleased with work I’ve done. But I can’t seem to sustain it over time. I am not reliable. I let them down, I let people who’ve supported me down, and I let myself down, and all of this is painful.
In the past, I’ve caved under pressure. I thought this time would be different, and it really was for a long while, but I’m doing it again. I don’t know at what point you just write someone off definitively as a fuck-up. I feel like I’m there. I feel like I’m out of options. I don’t know what I’ll do to survive financially if this doesn’t work out. It’s involved a huge investment of time and money and my remaining options are limited to jobs I’ve hated that don’t pay much.
I have thoughts of running away. I’ve run away from problems before in literal ways and I’m doing it now through some pathological avoidance. When I am avoiding, I don’t feel anxious. Or even bad, necessarily. I am just into whatever I’m doing to avoid panicking. I’ve gotten used to not seeing people very often and living in a very small world. Things have actually largely felt ok within it.
But sometimes, when I am not avoiding, I have thoughts – just passing thoughts – that maybe I should just end it. They just come casually like that, "Maybe you should just ___ yourself". These are not serious thoughts and I’d never act on them. I profoundly value life. I have hope for other people. I have a kind of hope for myself, except I just can’t make things work at all, and I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what to do to dig myself out of this. I think these thoughts are another kind of wanting to run away from an overwhelming situation, more than anything. When I am avoiding, they aren't there.
Whatever motivation or pressure it takes to work yourself into the heightened state required to write or be productive, I don’t seem to have it anymore. It feels very far away, out of reach. I can't even remember what it was like to just do things the way you're supposed to. When I hear students talk about writing papers, I wince. I feel like I can't do that anymore.
*
My supervisor is expecting communication asap (yesterday, last month.) They will want an explanation. They will want to know whether I am handling this and what they can reasonably expect from me now. I don’t have an answer.
What can I tell them, with no documentation? How can I explain going awol? I admit it, I fucked up, I know I did. I'm ok with saying as much to my supervisor but doing so with no solution for it is terrifying. I don't trust that I will be able to meet expectations. I don't know what I can promise. My supervisor went out of their way to support me this year. A lot of people are counting on me for this project and I have left them hanging. I don’t deserve that faith, and I’m so ashamed. Some in my department are aware of my issues and I can't face worsening what I fear is a reputation for being unstable. Even though I know am making it worse.
I haven’t answered emails from my supervisor at all for months. I haven’t turned in work from the summer for another course. I haven’t even checked the results from that term. I haven’t done anything at all. I’ve been pretending all of this doesn’t exist. The stakes are huge. I’m a non-traditional undergraduate student and I can’t afford to fail, but it seems I’m doing everything possible to make that happen.
Why? I don’t know. I lost my footing last year and haven’t really recovered. I had tremendous focus up until then, and it fell apart when several challenging personal events occurred at the same time that more difficult coursework tapped my weaknesses. Anxiety that had been decently managed got out of control, and I crumbled.
*
Extended background: I don’t have much money, so the help available to me is through the public health care system and the university. That help has been a joke, or it would be if it weren’t my only option. My own doctor does not himself handle mental health issues. He referred me to community resources, which were useless (unstructured; not specific to my problems; platitudes - “love yourself”). I went to the school’s counseling services - similar. Please take my word that I was sincere in my participation in therapy and that these experiences were just not helpful with the problems I have.
I saw another doctor, who referred me to a psychiatrist for assessment for a learning disability. Well, I missed that appointment. I’d told the receptionist I couldn’t make morning appointments. This is because I can’t sleep until past dawn; at that time I was going to bed at 8 am. The receptionist said it was a morning appointment or nothing at all for another six months. I agreed and fucked it up. I was too embarrassed to rebook or talk to the referring doctor again. Just their cancellation policies scare me off. (“If your appointment is on x, y and z days of the week, you must cancel on a or b days by 9:00 am or pay the missed appointment fee”.) Their policies are fair enough, there’s only so much time in the day and I’m sure I’m not the only flake. But it's enough to put me off, I'm scared of missing another appointment (I can't afford to pay for a lot of these).
All this is bad, though, beyond not improving, because I have nothing on paper. The help I could get didn’t help, and I fucked up my one chance at maybe some real assistance.
It’s gotten pretty bad since I missed that appointment. I’ve been hiding from everyone. I’ve been out socially three times since June. I am almost always in my apartment. My days are oriented around just trying to function. Shower, eat, dress, exercise, clean. I don’t have a routine, each of these activities takes a lot of effort to make happen. Doing these things - anything at all - involves a fair bit of dread and forcing myself out of inertia. My friends send worried texts and I pawn them off – “I’m studying”. I’m not. I’m in a pretty deep hole.
I have a few other very minor health issues that seem to get in the way– pain from arthritis, and a few other longstanding issues that arise unpredictably. I've been through the rounds with doctors and specialists on some of them, but they are not resolved or resolvable and only managed with OTC pain relievers. They’re enough to throw me when I do get a momentum going - I'll have a good day, I'll be ready to go, and whoops, actually it turns out that this day is for hot water bottles and not moving much.
Sleep is a major issue, always has been, but it’s been out of control, with sleep times as late as 8 am, as I said. I’ve been trying to fix that using various methods for several months. (Unsupervised – my doctor just wanted to throw hypnotics at me, which I do not want to take, and help with behavioral approaches was beyond the scope of the therapy I could access). I’ve gotten myself to a place where I’m up before noon just these past few weeks.
(I also recently had a minor cancer scare - the concern wasn’t about a scary cancer, if it was that, and thankfully I’m in the clear, but I went through months of visits for blood tests, ultrasounds, biopsies, and I don't know, worry, probaby more than was warranted.)
I’m tired of going to doctors’ and other care providers’ offices and not really being sick but not really being well and not really feeling helped. The idea of starting that process again is daunting, even thinking about it is tiring. I don’t have a lot of faith that I will find help in the system I'm in.
I feel like a weak person in every aspect – physical, emotional, mental. I can kind of imagine myself being strong, productive, focused, an achiever. It happens sporadically, and people (professors, employers) have seen some of these qualities in me and have been pleased with work I’ve done. But I can’t seem to sustain it over time. I am not reliable. I let them down, I let people who’ve supported me down, and I let myself down, and all of this is painful.
In the past, I’ve caved under pressure. I thought this time would be different, and it really was for a long while, but I’m doing it again. I don’t know at what point you just write someone off definitively as a fuck-up. I feel like I’m there. I feel like I’m out of options. I don’t know what I’ll do to survive financially if this doesn’t work out. It’s involved a huge investment of time and money and my remaining options are limited to jobs I’ve hated that don’t pay much.
I have thoughts of running away. I’ve run away from problems before in literal ways and I’m doing it now through some pathological avoidance. When I am avoiding, I don’t feel anxious. Or even bad, necessarily. I am just into whatever I’m doing to avoid panicking. I’ve gotten used to not seeing people very often and living in a very small world. Things have actually largely felt ok within it.
But sometimes, when I am not avoiding, I have thoughts – just passing thoughts – that maybe I should just end it. They just come casually like that, "Maybe you should just ___ yourself". These are not serious thoughts and I’d never act on them. I profoundly value life. I have hope for other people. I have a kind of hope for myself, except I just can’t make things work at all, and I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what to do to dig myself out of this. I think these thoughts are another kind of wanting to run away from an overwhelming situation, more than anything. When I am avoiding, they aren't there.
Whatever motivation or pressure it takes to work yourself into the heightened state required to write or be productive, I don’t seem to have it anymore. It feels very far away, out of reach. I can't even remember what it was like to just do things the way you're supposed to. When I hear students talk about writing papers, I wince. I feel like I can't do that anymore.
*
My supervisor is expecting communication asap (yesterday, last month.) They will want an explanation. They will want to know whether I am handling this and what they can reasonably expect from me now. I don’t have an answer.
What can I tell them, with no documentation? How can I explain going awol? I admit it, I fucked up, I know I did. I'm ok with saying as much to my supervisor but doing so with no solution for it is terrifying. I don't trust that I will be able to meet expectations. I don't know what I can promise. My supervisor went out of their way to support me this year. A lot of people are counting on me for this project and I have left them hanging. I don’t deserve that faith, and I’m so ashamed. Some in my department are aware of my issues and I can't face worsening what I fear is a reputation for being unstable. Even though I know am making it worse.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've taught undergraduate students in the past, and to be honest, depending on where you are in the semester (are you talking about reaching out to the instructors from last summer's classes? Are you taking classes this semester?), there may not be a lot they can do for you about classes that are already complete. Please don't beat yourself up about that, if that turns out to be the case. It may help to remember that while your professors probably noticed that you stopped coming to class, they have seen this a MILLION times before, for a million different reasons, and most likely they didn't even have time to think about it much one way or another - this is a relatively neutral event in the life of an instructor, and they do not think you're a terrible human being because of it, no matter what they can or cannot do for you.
With regards to your supervisor, and here I'm assuming you're doing some sort of undergraduate thesis or labwork? - I would definitely try to keep it brief when you speak to them. As you say, what they will want is to know what to expect now - they don't really need a lot of details about how things got to where they are. I say this both because that seems like a violation of your privacy, and because there's not a whole lot they're going to be able to do with that information - and focusing on a longer explanation will cloud the issue that's important: what can you all expect moving forward?
You need an ally. Consider reaching out to your university's disability services, who will have procedures to follow to document your condition and help you work with instructors within the confines of university policies. Your university's mental health services may also be of some assistance. I know part of your problem is in making an keeping appointments, but I really don't think you should be doing this alone.
Good luck to you.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:54 AM on January 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
With regards to your supervisor, and here I'm assuming you're doing some sort of undergraduate thesis or labwork? - I would definitely try to keep it brief when you speak to them. As you say, what they will want is to know what to expect now - they don't really need a lot of details about how things got to where they are. I say this both because that seems like a violation of your privacy, and because there's not a whole lot they're going to be able to do with that information - and focusing on a longer explanation will cloud the issue that's important: what can you all expect moving forward?
You need an ally. Consider reaching out to your university's disability services, who will have procedures to follow to document your condition and help you work with instructors within the confines of university policies. Your university's mental health services may also be of some assistance. I know part of your problem is in making an keeping appointments, but I really don't think you should be doing this alone.
Good luck to you.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:54 AM on January 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Failing a semester's worth of classes isn't the end of the world. I would make an appointment to speak with your supervisor to discuss the issues you've been suffering. Don't worry about proof, or any other thing. Just show up and ask for help.
They are worried about you and they want to help you. Let them.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:04 AM on January 18, 2015 [9 favorites]
They are worried about you and they want to help you. Let them.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:04 AM on January 18, 2015 [9 favorites]
This sounds like massive anxiety. If you're stuck in your apartment due to anxiety and don't want to talk to anyone, read things might go terribly, horribly wrong for guidance on how to feel less doomed.
For school, you may be able to get a medical withdrawal so your last semester won't affect your GPA. One step for this is seeing a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis. Take heroic efforts to make this appointment (visualize it going really well, get there two hours early and wait in a nearby coffee shop).
Memail me if you want to hear some stories I don't want to share here.
posted by sninctown at 8:13 AM on January 18, 2015 [13 favorites]
For school, you may be able to get a medical withdrawal so your last semester won't affect your GPA. One step for this is seeing a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis. Take heroic efforts to make this appointment (visualize it going really well, get there two hours early and wait in a nearby coffee shop).
Memail me if you want to hear some stories I don't want to share here.
posted by sninctown at 8:13 AM on January 18, 2015 [13 favorites]
If it helps at all, this is what supervisors have to deal with on a regular basis, and what you did or didn't do is not going to reflect any worse on you personally than what others did before reflected on them. Your supervisor will be interested in helping you get back on track, and will not waste time and energy on judging you. Nobody is being "let down" by you having an (actual) hard time with stuff. Supervisors are paid to deal with supervisees just as they come. So, just go.
posted by Namlit at 8:51 AM on January 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Namlit at 8:51 AM on January 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
Google "delayed sleep phase syndrome." It is a real thing, a potentially disabling thing, and not some sort of moral failing.
I second the idea of staying up all night and early AM to make one of the early-morning appointments.
posted by kmennie at 8:56 AM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I second the idea of staying up all night and early AM to make one of the early-morning appointments.
posted by kmennie at 8:56 AM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm an academic advisor at a university, and if you were a student at my university, I might be the person with whom you'd be discussing this.
Right now, I wouldn't be worried about your academic situation. I'm worried about your mental health situation. I think you should concentrate on getting help ASAP. One of the problems with mental health issues is that the same issues that make you need help also make it very difficult to get organized to get help. I think you have two options: you can ask a friend or family member to take over and make sure you get to an appointment, or you can call your primary care physician, explain that it's an emergency and that your mental state means that you have not been able to get it together to get help, and ask what you can do now that you're having a mental health crisis. You can mention that you're having thoughts of suicide, although you currently have no plan to act on them. If that means checking yourself in as an inpatient for a day or two, just to get the ball rolling, I think that might not be a terrible idea. You're not going to be able to address the academic stuff until you address the mental health stuff.
As for school, this is a really, really common situation. Nobody should be shocked or judge you. I have a couple of students every semester who have to take some time off to deal with mental health issues, and it's not something that would ever make me think less of a student. Things come up, and it's my job to help students deal with them so they can get back on track. You probably do need some documentation, which you will be able to get when you get the help that you need. I don't know what your school's policies are, but at my university you would be able to get a late withdrawal from any classes that you were going to fail, and you might be able to get some or all of your money back. You could then re-enroll in the classes when you were in a position to do well in them.
Would it be helpful if we drafted an email for you to send to your supervisor? I would go with:
Dear Supervisor,
I'm sorry that I haven't communicated with you in so long. I'm dealing with some health issues and will be back in touch when they've been resolved.
Thanks,
Anonymous
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:14 AM on January 18, 2015 [29 favorites]
Right now, I wouldn't be worried about your academic situation. I'm worried about your mental health situation. I think you should concentrate on getting help ASAP. One of the problems with mental health issues is that the same issues that make you need help also make it very difficult to get organized to get help. I think you have two options: you can ask a friend or family member to take over and make sure you get to an appointment, or you can call your primary care physician, explain that it's an emergency and that your mental state means that you have not been able to get it together to get help, and ask what you can do now that you're having a mental health crisis. You can mention that you're having thoughts of suicide, although you currently have no plan to act on them. If that means checking yourself in as an inpatient for a day or two, just to get the ball rolling, I think that might not be a terrible idea. You're not going to be able to address the academic stuff until you address the mental health stuff.
As for school, this is a really, really common situation. Nobody should be shocked or judge you. I have a couple of students every semester who have to take some time off to deal with mental health issues, and it's not something that would ever make me think less of a student. Things come up, and it's my job to help students deal with them so they can get back on track. You probably do need some documentation, which you will be able to get when you get the help that you need. I don't know what your school's policies are, but at my university you would be able to get a late withdrawal from any classes that you were going to fail, and you might be able to get some or all of your money back. You could then re-enroll in the classes when you were in a position to do well in them.
Would it be helpful if we drafted an email for you to send to your supervisor? I would go with:
Dear Supervisor,
I'm sorry that I haven't communicated with you in so long. I'm dealing with some health issues and will be back in touch when they've been resolved.
Thanks,
Anonymous
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:14 AM on January 18, 2015 [29 favorites]
Please don't beat yourself up. I can relate with you on so many levels. I do feel like I have sporadic bursts of reliability, but sometimes I fall back to being unreliable. I also have a messed up sleep cycle - just yesterday, for example, I couldn't sleep until 9am. 9am! Last night, I slept at 1am, blessedly so.
I'm here via me-mail. I wish I could offer specific, concrete advice about your situations with your job/program, but I do want to show I care and that right now, even though it may not seem like it, it WILL be okay in the end. Everything is temporary, remember that, mmokay? :) Hang in there.
posted by dubious_dude at 9:14 AM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm here via me-mail. I wish I could offer specific, concrete advice about your situations with your job/program, but I do want to show I care and that right now, even though it may not seem like it, it WILL be okay in the end. Everything is temporary, remember that, mmokay? :) Hang in there.
posted by dubious_dude at 9:14 AM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I just want to say I did this twice in my life, dropped off school radar. I am, 20 years later, having a great life. I got the help and support I needed. I believe in your ability to get there. Please send a quick email to everyone academic along the lines above and take whatever energy you can to make an appointment. You are worth it!!!
posted by warriorqueen at 10:31 AM on January 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 10:31 AM on January 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
I did this. When I did tell them what was happening, everyone was actually just glad to hear that I was alright and was really understanding. It's not going to go the way you are imagining it, where they sneer at you and turn away.
posted by Trifling at 10:38 AM on January 18, 2015
posted by Trifling at 10:38 AM on January 18, 2015
I had a couple big lapses in college work due to depressive epsisodes. It seemed like the world would end if I tried to come back and explain, but in fact, everyone was completely understanding. I was able to make up work and/or take incompletes and revisit classes, and pick up the pieces, and I ended up graduating with a good GPA and things settled down from there. It's really not that unusual. Just write them an email/letter explaining you were struggling with a personal episode of anxiety and depression triggered by some outside life events, but that you're back on track and would like to apologize for missing what you missed and would like to meet and talk about how to complete, repeat, or move your work forward.
posted by Miko at 10:53 AM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Miko at 10:53 AM on January 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have had similar issues, and I'm currently on medical leave from school for the spring semester after failing all my classes in the fall (as a 2nd year traditional undergrad, so not quite your situation, but the same advice applies). In my experience, being honest about what you're struggling with is scary and very hard to do at first, but incredibly helpful. Not necessarily sharing every detail or more than you're comfortable with, but at least being open about having mental health issues that are impacting you academically. It's been invaluable to me to have the support of my academic advisor and professors, if only because it means less of my anxiety is directed at worrying about failing them or what they must think of me.
I also totally underestand your worry about not wanting to talk to your supervisor without already having a solution figured out. I hate having to admit that I've been struggling and I have no idea how to fix it, and that's something I've had to get over (still working on it, really, but I've gotten much better at being able to admit when I need help, at least to anyone except my mother). But not talking to anybody isn't getting you any closer to a solution either. Your supervisor might be able to tell you what your options are for moving forward and support you in finding a solution.
As far as missing appointments and worrying about rescheduling, I missed my last three therapy sessions last semester because I missed one and then was too ashamed to show up after that. But keep in mind that this happens all the time. You're not the only one who's missed an appointment, and you're not going to be judged for it. Is it possible that now that it's been a few months since your first appointment (I assume; I'm not entirely clear on the timeline of this, so apologies if I'm mistaken), they might have an afternoon spot opened up that you could get in for sooner? Even if you do have to wait 6 months for an appointment that you'll be able to be awake for, it's better than never scheduling one at all. If you do have to settle for something in the morning, I would recommend just not sleeping at all the night before (as it seems you're already used to staying up all night anyways). Even if you have to show up at the appointment sleep-deprived, it's better than nothing. I had an 8am class last semester and would often stay up all night to ensure that I wouldn't accidentally sleep through class (as that has happened to me multiple times; sounds like we have similar sleep problems) and then nap in the afternoon.
I'm not sure how helpful any of this advice will be, and it's much easier to give than to follow, which is why I'm still dealing with these issues myself. The first step is just to reach out to someone -- your supervisor might be a good choice, depending on how close you are, but it could be anybody you trust -- and tell them about what you've been struggling with. It gets so much easier to deal with the rest of what you need to do when you have at least one person who knows what you're dealing with to offer support.
posted by Soramke at 11:38 AM on January 18, 2015
I also totally underestand your worry about not wanting to talk to your supervisor without already having a solution figured out. I hate having to admit that I've been struggling and I have no idea how to fix it, and that's something I've had to get over (still working on it, really, but I've gotten much better at being able to admit when I need help, at least to anyone except my mother). But not talking to anybody isn't getting you any closer to a solution either. Your supervisor might be able to tell you what your options are for moving forward and support you in finding a solution.
As far as missing appointments and worrying about rescheduling, I missed my last three therapy sessions last semester because I missed one and then was too ashamed to show up after that. But keep in mind that this happens all the time. You're not the only one who's missed an appointment, and you're not going to be judged for it. Is it possible that now that it's been a few months since your first appointment (I assume; I'm not entirely clear on the timeline of this, so apologies if I'm mistaken), they might have an afternoon spot opened up that you could get in for sooner? Even if you do have to wait 6 months for an appointment that you'll be able to be awake for, it's better than never scheduling one at all. If you do have to settle for something in the morning, I would recommend just not sleeping at all the night before (as it seems you're already used to staying up all night anyways). Even if you have to show up at the appointment sleep-deprived, it's better than nothing. I had an 8am class last semester and would often stay up all night to ensure that I wouldn't accidentally sleep through class (as that has happened to me multiple times; sounds like we have similar sleep problems) and then nap in the afternoon.
I'm not sure how helpful any of this advice will be, and it's much easier to give than to follow, which is why I'm still dealing with these issues myself. The first step is just to reach out to someone -- your supervisor might be a good choice, depending on how close you are, but it could be anybody you trust -- and tell them about what you've been struggling with. It gets so much easier to deal with the rest of what you need to do when you have at least one person who knows what you're dealing with to offer support.
posted by Soramke at 11:38 AM on January 18, 2015
I am a university professor, and I talk with students with mental health issues every single semester. It is very, very common, and no one I know will judge students with problems. It is in the interest of the university to help you overcome your difficulties and succeed.
Nothing you have described seems unusual to me, unfortunately many students experience very similar problems, but you need help to get out of that negative spiral. Only few people can do that on their own.
Just ask for help. Right away. Now.
posted by mumimor at 11:39 AM on January 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
Nothing you have described seems unusual to me, unfortunately many students experience very similar problems, but you need help to get out of that negative spiral. Only few people can do that on their own.
Just ask for help. Right away. Now.
posted by mumimor at 11:39 AM on January 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
As someone who went through this and from the tone of your post, I know that you feel like the only way you can go to The Person In Charge is with all these explanations because you are sure this is the end of the world that they will have never ever heard of such a thing in all their lives.
Contact whoever it is you are supposed to contact and say:
"I am so sorry but I am in serious mental health trouble right now and I'm going to have to get that under control before I can address any of the coursework issues.
Regards,
Anon"
If this person is in some sort of position to help you, then add one sentence: "If you can tell me where to begin with regard to resources, I could really use your help with that."
Otherwise contact your academic advisor, student health center, or just call the Dean of Students' office and ask whoever answers who you should call/where you should go if you are a student who needs mental health assistance urgently. Really, if they deal with less than one case of medium-grade or worse burnout a day, I'd be surprised.
This is only a long-term academic problem if you do not tell them there is a problem. Otherwise the assumption is that you found something more interesting to do. All you have to do is tell them that you have not, and you should find that pretty much everyone involved is going to do their part to get you back on track.
The stakes are huge.
I absolutely understand the feeling that you are having that associates to those words, but if you are an undergrad it is very nearly impossible that life or death hangs on this, except for your own because of the enormous stress you are under. If you were a pediatric oncologist, that would be a different issue.
School is meant to be practice so that you have a place to do poorly while you are surrounded by experts in doing it better. School is for help. Go get your money's worth.
If your university has a health center, I hope that's still a thing that all schools have, just go in. Tell the front desk you're having serious depression issues and need to talk to someone and that you'll wait. Really, the only thing you need to make sure you do there is tell the truth about how bad it is. Be straightforward about your barely-functioning life status and do not present this as a sleep issue (wildly fucked-up sleep patterns are hand-in-glove with depression, and swapping day for night is very common in real crisis periods), as that seems be the thing the previous doctor didn't really hear or internalize.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:06 PM on January 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
Contact whoever it is you are supposed to contact and say:
"I am so sorry but I am in serious mental health trouble right now and I'm going to have to get that under control before I can address any of the coursework issues.
Regards,
Anon"
If this person is in some sort of position to help you, then add one sentence: "If you can tell me where to begin with regard to resources, I could really use your help with that."
Otherwise contact your academic advisor, student health center, or just call the Dean of Students' office and ask whoever answers who you should call/where you should go if you are a student who needs mental health assistance urgently. Really, if they deal with less than one case of medium-grade or worse burnout a day, I'd be surprised.
This is only a long-term academic problem if you do not tell them there is a problem. Otherwise the assumption is that you found something more interesting to do. All you have to do is tell them that you have not, and you should find that pretty much everyone involved is going to do their part to get you back on track.
The stakes are huge.
I absolutely understand the feeling that you are having that associates to those words, but if you are an undergrad it is very nearly impossible that life or death hangs on this, except for your own because of the enormous stress you are under. If you were a pediatric oncologist, that would be a different issue.
School is meant to be practice so that you have a place to do poorly while you are surrounded by experts in doing it better. School is for help. Go get your money's worth.
If your university has a health center, I hope that's still a thing that all schools have, just go in. Tell the front desk you're having serious depression issues and need to talk to someone and that you'll wait. Really, the only thing you need to make sure you do there is tell the truth about how bad it is. Be straightforward about your barely-functioning life status and do not present this as a sleep issue (wildly fucked-up sleep patterns are hand-in-glove with depression, and swapping day for night is very common in real crisis periods), as that seems be the thing the previous doctor didn't really hear or internalize.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:06 PM on January 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
I recommend that you look into whether or not your school has an ombuds office that could help you sort out your situation with your professors and classes. Ombuds officers serve as neutral third-party mediators between staff members, professors, the administration, and students. They are generally sympathetic and helpful, they know the system better than you do, and they can help you get back on track. I had a friend who had to drop out of his classes two weeks before the end of the semester due to anxiety and the ombuds officer was able to help him get incompletes rather than failing, arrange for him to take finals remotely for some classes, and communicate with the administration about his situation. If talking to your supervisor and professors is too daunting right now, I recommend you start at the ombuds office.
I also just wanted to tell you, like others have said, that this is an extremely common occurrence and everyone you speak to will assuredly have encountered this before. It's very unlikely that anyone will judge you or be disappointed in you, and I can guarantee most of them will just want to get you back on your feet.
One last thing: I know it feels like you are failing at everything, but you are still making courageous efforts and important victories. You get out of bed. You take care of your space and your body. You talk to your friends. You're seeking help. These are huge, important steps towards health. I give you enormous credit for that and if it's possible I think you should give yourself credit too. Please keep reaching out for help; tell your friends and your school that you need them. Mobilize any support system you have, including Metafilter. We're rooting for you.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 12:11 PM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I also just wanted to tell you, like others have said, that this is an extremely common occurrence and everyone you speak to will assuredly have encountered this before. It's very unlikely that anyone will judge you or be disappointed in you, and I can guarantee most of them will just want to get you back on your feet.
One last thing: I know it feels like you are failing at everything, but you are still making courageous efforts and important victories. You get out of bed. You take care of your space and your body. You talk to your friends. You're seeking help. These are huge, important steps towards health. I give you enormous credit for that and if it's possible I think you should give yourself credit too. Please keep reaching out for help; tell your friends and your school that you need them. Mobilize any support system you have, including Metafilter. We're rooting for you.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 12:11 PM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Contact the office of the Dean of Students. They can help to connect you to the mental health and medical resources your school offers, they can help you figure out what you need to do academically, including retroactive leave of absence or withdrawal from courses (the procedures vary from school to school), and they can communicate with your professors and your supervisor.
They deal with this kind of meltdown all the time. Your situation is far from unique.
posted by BrashTech at 2:33 PM on January 18, 2015
They deal with this kind of meltdown all the time. Your situation is far from unique.
posted by BrashTech at 2:33 PM on January 18, 2015
OP, can you email the mods to post an update? I have this mental image of you sitting alone in a dark apartment eating cheap ice cream out of a quart container while feeling helpless, and it is making me sad. The answers you've gotten here show that we care about you and I just want to know how you are doing now.
posted by sninctown at 9:46 AM on January 19, 2015
posted by sninctown at 9:46 AM on January 19, 2015
Nthing the responses saying that this is nothing that college/university professors haven't seen many times before (I am one; I see it regularly) and that the last thing that nearly any of us would feel upon learning the kind of pain you've been in is disappointed or upset with you. If you were my student, I'd be concerned, I'd want to know how I could help -- directly or putting you in touch with people who can -- and the last thing I'd expect is you having solutions or a plan for resolution.
The draft emails that ArbitraryandCapricious and Lyn Never wrote are exactly what you need. You are not the first or only person to experience this and it sounds as though you've been incredibly strong in trying to get help and keep yourself functioning. That's not something to diminish -- it speaks volumes about you.
Try your university's academic advising office, counseling center, ombudsperson, and/or Dean of Students office. Try them all.
posted by Wisco72 at 10:44 AM on January 19, 2015
The draft emails that ArbitraryandCapricious and Lyn Never wrote are exactly what you need. You are not the first or only person to experience this and it sounds as though you've been incredibly strong in trying to get help and keep yourself functioning. That's not something to diminish -- it speaks volumes about you.
Try your university's academic advising office, counseling center, ombudsperson, and/or Dean of Students office. Try them all.
posted by Wisco72 at 10:44 AM on January 19, 2015
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If you can go to the meeting and talk to your supervisor, you don't need to have a solution figured out. You can just tell them what's up, even if it does not make you look good, and they can help you figure out what to do to either fix this or control damage by dropping classes or whatever. It might be a relief to get this over with.
Would it be possible for someone to help you stay up a few hours "later" than usual so you could get to one of the morning appointments?
posted by steinwald at 7:49 AM on January 18, 2015