Hope me with social anxiety

November 29, 2011 9:58 PM

How do I deal with not knowing how to make/change plans due to social anxiety? And the social consequences thereof?

Lots of details below. I hope you can help me. (I swear, this community has changed my life.)

I have what I now realize is fairly extreme social anxiety. Situations that particularly set me off:

- Asking for help or advice/saying no to/negotiating with authority figures. This is huge. (Thank you, abusive parents!) I have trouble where I have to ask an authority figure for anything, refuse something, confront them, etc. For example, I was applying for a program and needed to check if the post-program activities might conflict with another project. I had to talk myself into it for about an hour as I was afraid even asking would make them disqualify me. Yes, I know about cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and all of that. But there was some slim chance that the two things wouldn't work together (it had happened before in a different program) and I was freaking out about that and having to choose among them and should I just not tell them and hope for the best or (insert bean-plating here).

- Taking an even infinitesimal chance of screwing up my future by having fun today If there is any possible conflict between work and play, I will cancel my fun time and work... even if I just then spend the time ruminating and obsessing about the work and could have easily managed to do the work and have fun time too. Example: I turned down a fun trip with a friend because I had a paper to write for school -- which I could easily have written at my friend's house, on the way, something. I just missed out.

- Having conflicting plans or plans with a lot of dependencies I have trouble when I have to set boundaries for others in terms of when and where we meet. I'm afraid of letting anyone down or screwing something up. For example, a friend mistimed the beginning of Thanksgiving dinner and made me late for an event later on that night. I was FREAKING out.

- Being late/saying something stupid/etc. I get freaked out when I'm late or said something stupid and that makes me even later (sometimes I even get lost because I'm so upset) and then it just spirals into this crazy thing about how I want to die and I have a panic attack and... you guys know how this anxiety thing goes!

I also sometimes have trouble making plans or decisions because I don't know how I'll feel. Sometimes my stress levels are so high that I can't function. Sometimes it takes me days to get back to normal -- long, nonfunctional days that mess up my plans even further.

Other times, I get into a groove and I can be with people easily for long stretches of time.

Things that reduce social anxiety:
- Novelty and adventures
- Being alone (duh)
- Being with super supportive people
- Being able to leave whenever I want/arrive late/have flexibility

ALSO: Because of this anxiety and my response to it, I have a bit of a reputation as a flake. I make plans and change them. I don't make decisions until the last minute (because I'm not sure how I'll feel and if I have work to do in addition to social time, how long it will take me to calm down enough to do it).

Questions:
- Do you deal with this kind of thing too? What has helped you get over it? What helps you when it's happening?

- How do you explain it to others? How do you avoid/recover from a reputation as a flake? What are some good strategies for being able to cope with either making plans early/explaining to others that you can't make plans/telling white lies to get out of plans when you are so anxious you can't function?

- Anything else you can tell me. I'm working on this, hard, and value anything that will help.

Thank you!

posted by 3491again to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I used to have bad social anxiety and what has really worked for me was just FORCING myself to do things. Over and over again. It takes time (took me years), but the anxiety seemed to magically melt away. I still have anxiety in some situations (dating.. eek), but for the most part I am more confident talking to my boss, teachers, etc. Mind you, my anxiety wasn't severe, so you may want to go to a therapist if it is hindering your ability to enjoy life/function normally.
posted by littlesq at 10:11 PM on November 29, 2011

Response by poster: Btw, sorry I didn't mention it. I'm in therapy, experimenting with meds. I'm looking for some home remedies/stories. :)
posted by 3491again at 10:12 PM on November 29, 2011

If there is any possible conflict between work and play, I will cancel my fun time and work... even if I just then spend the time ruminating and obsessing about the work and could have easily managed to do the work and have fun time too.

Often people who choose work over play are successful at work. You mention writing a paper for school, are you at least obtaining some benefit from the obsessive focus on school? I understand that the ruminating and obsessing is a bad pattern, but if you are doing well in school maybe you could focus on that and be kind to yourself about it? Restructure your thoughts so that your internal dialogue is something like, "I need to work on this, but at least I am doing well in school".

ALSO: Because of this anxiety and my response to it, I have a bit of a reputation as a flake. I make plans and change them. I don't make decisions until the last minute (because I'm not sure how I'll feel and if I have work to do in addition to social time, how long it will take me to calm down enough to do it).

Greg Nog had a fantastic comment about an old man on a front porch and visualizing yourself making a decision in a slow, deliberate way. Might be helpful, it is not exactly what you asked for, but maybe it is a good exercise to practice when you are making plans?

I have trouble when I have to set boundaries for others in terms of when and where we meet.

Think of the next time that you will have to RSVP with a friend for an informal type event so that it is low pressure and practice saying, "6pm at the restaurant, sounds great! I do want to let you know I am meeting some other friends at 9pm so I will have to leave around 8:30pm". I mean practice actually saying it out loud when you are alone in your house or whatever (no matter how silly it feels). It should get easier with practice.

How do you explain it to others? How do you avoid/recover from a reputation as a flake?

Again, be kind to yourself, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of anxiety related issues. As you continue working with your therapist and getting suggestions from Ask you should develop some anxiety reducing techniques, and that will help you with making plans, et cetera.

As for explaining it to others, I am not sure. I do think it is important that it is done skillfully and will be interested to see what answers are posted.
posted by mlis at 10:53 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

I very rarely commit to more than one social activity a day. I have a friend who just doesn't understand why someone would NOT want to book three social activities in a day.
For me-- planning, getting ready, doing, and returning from one event is a whole day process.
Some might call it lazy, however, I do enjoy the before-during-after time and I usually have time to calm down any anxiety I might be feeling beforehand.


Also keep up the communication as mlis mentions--hopefully this will make you feel less flaky, since your friends at least have some warning that you may not be able to control the outcome.
posted by calgirl at 11:03 PM on November 29, 2011

If you're looking for home remedies, have you tried 5-HTP? I have about a dozen other natural remedies if you want, just PM me.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 12:09 AM on November 30, 2011

Wow, I'm not the only one? It got to the point for me that I had to miss a family Thanksgiving, I feel horrible about it. Anyways, Xanax is wonderful sometimes to help with this stuff. Are you current prescribed any fast acting anti-anxiety medication? If not, ask for it! I take a small dose preemptively, and it helps considerably.

Also, I am not sure if you and your friends/family who you feel flaky about belong to your social network or if you have one (facebook, etc), but I do sometimes post when I have had an anxious day as a way to indirectly let friends/family know it may be a bad time and that anxiety is an issue.

I really dislike having to explain it to people and only close friends and family know. I also have been dealing with this for many years and I wish you the best and hope to possibly learn something from your replies :)
posted by phox at 12:12 AM on November 30, 2011

For learning to do hard social things: try acting-out a practice version of it. Your anxiety-brain is bad at differentiating things you've actually done vs. things you've just acted. Write a script and practice it with a friend. If you can't figure out what to write, ask a confident friend to write the script, prompting you for situational details. And practice with you. Pay attention to your body's movements and nervous reactions during it. Repeat until those are under control.
posted by ead at 12:33 AM on November 30, 2011

There's a couple things that come to mind:

1) Setting appropriate boundaries. Within reason, there is no right answer to most scheduling conflicts. Start small.

I'm afraid of letting anyone down or screwing something up. For example, a friend mistimed the beginning of Thanksgiving dinner and made me late for an event later on that night. I was FREAKING out.

Let me be gentle. First, you made yourself late for the later event. That was a decision you made, and it's fine to have made that decision. When you arrive at the other event, you simply say, "Things ran over and I got here as fast as I can."

Pretty much everyone is late for some things, some times. It happens. People will understand.

2) Write down your priorities in order, so that when they come in conflict, you have an objective reference guide of what's important to you, and can take action without feeling bad about it.

I turned down a fun trip with a friend because I had a paper to write for school -- which I could easily have written at my friend's house, on the way, something. I just missed out.

This is a good decision. Work was more important to you, and that's fine. There's often going to be multiple demands on your time, and you cannot do everything. Having a clear sense of your priorities will help resolve the ambiguity.

3) It will help if you deal with what's in front of you objectively. Thinking about what could have been will not help, as that world does not exist. Be easy on yourself. As said, most people will be late sometimes or say out-of-context comments. It happens to the best of people, thus people will understand.

I get freaked out when I'm late or said something stupid and that makes me even later (sometimes I even get lost because I'm so upset) and then it just spirals into this crazy thing about how I want to die and I have a panic attack

Yes, this used to happen to me as well. CBT certainly helped, as did learning to laugh at it. Often times, I wonder if it's not over-active self-judgement at work. It was a real discovery to find that not everyone thinks like this, thus it became possible to not think like that.

In terms of how to change the thinking, I think it's spot on that you have to challenge yourself. Start small and most importantly, believe the evidence. If you are late somewhere and no one says anything, you may go to the place where you think, "nobody said anything this time. whew, I got away with it. But what about next time?!" Let next time be next time. It didn't bother anyone this time, so believe that. The same thing with comments that you make.

In terms of what helps manage other people's expectations, it's being honest with them and sensible in your planning. If you tend to over-plan and end up frazzled, plan less. If there are two things to do, choose one. Say yes to that one, and maybe to the other one.

In terms of how to deal with it, forgive yourself constantly. I still get pent up if I've said that I am going to do something innocuous -- like join mates for a pint at the pub -- and end up being late or having to cancel. Yet people do it to me all the time. And I don't judge them, I just think something came up and they had to sort it. Thus, the goal is to apply the same understanding one gives to others to one's self.

It also helps to see plans and everything else on a continuum, rather than as absolutes. At the poles, "Things I do not want to do" and on the other side, "Things I will absolutely do"

There's a lot of might do, may do, will do if there's time, and other gradations in there. You do not have publicly inform people where they are in your priority chain, it's an exclusive guide for you to manage your time, and you are not at anyone else's behest to frazzle yourself.
posted by nickrussell at 1:10 AM on November 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm kind of a flake sometimes. I'm working on it but I've found that just being honest helps a lot, even if it is after the fact. I have a lot of stressful stuff going on and it manifests as social anxiety. When I'm not super stressed I don't usually have this anxiety.

Ginger tea helps with stomach queasiness. I make it really strong with fresh ginger and brew it for about 30 minutes. If I have to do something I'm dreading, I will have a cup in the morning and then another cup after I get home. I don't take any meds. I've taken xanax before and was on antidepressants(lexapro) for about a year but both of those made me feel either drunk or just out of it.
posted by fromageball at 11:45 AM on November 30, 2011 [2 favorites]