How to handle Dad's secret cancer
January 5, 2015 8:45 AM Subscribe
My dad has cancer. He has not told anyone this -- I found out by accident. How to best deal?
My dad almost certainly has prostate cancer. Over the past six months, I've found documents stating his diagnosis, found his adult diapers, and most recently, I found an appointment card for him to have an inguinal hernia repaired in a couple of weeks. My best guess is that he had a radical prostatectomy sometime in May and now has a hernia from the original surgery. He hasn't had chemo as far as I can tell (he still has all his hair), and seems to be in decent health, with the exception of some extra tiredness. I found all this completely by accident and the information was not out in plain sight for others to see.
My dad is very secretive when it comes to his health -- he never mentions his health and does not want to talk about it. I respect this. I did tell my brother, who is approaching 40, so he can get checked himself. This is a family trait -- my grandfather also had prostate cancer and didn't tell anyone until about ten years after the fact. A cousin of mine died in mysterious circumstances that no one has ever discussed. Etc.
I'm curious if there's any way I can support him and also my mother, who is bearing the brunt of knowing about this and not being able to talk to anyone. They do not see therapists and wouldn't consider it, nor do they have close friends they would talk with about anything this private. My mother mostly talks to me about anything personal. I don't want to betray my father's desire for privacy by telling my mother I know what's going on, but on the other hand, I feel she could use some way to unburden herself. I know she's had to lie to cover for him, as well as being his sole caretaker. As for my dad, I'd like to support him and make him feel optimistic about things without giving away what I know.
I live rather far away, so taking them out to dinner or doing manicures or whatever isn't in the cards right now. My dad's big into genealogy and has often complained that my generation has no interest, so I've been calling and asking him stuff about that. Anything else along those lines? Anything that might help make this less of a scary, lonely ride for either of them? Any votes for letting my mom know that I know?
My dad almost certainly has prostate cancer. Over the past six months, I've found documents stating his diagnosis, found his adult diapers, and most recently, I found an appointment card for him to have an inguinal hernia repaired in a couple of weeks. My best guess is that he had a radical prostatectomy sometime in May and now has a hernia from the original surgery. He hasn't had chemo as far as I can tell (he still has all his hair), and seems to be in decent health, with the exception of some extra tiredness. I found all this completely by accident and the information was not out in plain sight for others to see.
My dad is very secretive when it comes to his health -- he never mentions his health and does not want to talk about it. I respect this. I did tell my brother, who is approaching 40, so he can get checked himself. This is a family trait -- my grandfather also had prostate cancer and didn't tell anyone until about ten years after the fact. A cousin of mine died in mysterious circumstances that no one has ever discussed. Etc.
I'm curious if there's any way I can support him and also my mother, who is bearing the brunt of knowing about this and not being able to talk to anyone. They do not see therapists and wouldn't consider it, nor do they have close friends they would talk with about anything this private. My mother mostly talks to me about anything personal. I don't want to betray my father's desire for privacy by telling my mother I know what's going on, but on the other hand, I feel she could use some way to unburden herself. I know she's had to lie to cover for him, as well as being his sole caretaker. As for my dad, I'd like to support him and make him feel optimistic about things without giving away what I know.
I live rather far away, so taking them out to dinner or doing manicures or whatever isn't in the cards right now. My dad's big into genealogy and has often complained that my generation has no interest, so I've been calling and asking him stuff about that. Anything else along those lines? Anything that might help make this less of a scary, lonely ride for either of them? Any votes for letting my mom know that I know?
You did the right thing in telling your brother. He has a right to know his family medical history as far as it can affect him and your father was wrong in keeping it from him.
You've not spoken about this with your father? I think you need to let him know you know. Not in an overly "I'm worried about you. What do we do?" way, but in a way that says that he doesn't have to keep up pretense. And yes, if your mother knows, talk about it with her. I think it's bullshit to play this game of "I know, but they don't know I know..." Offer your support and do what they request. If they don't want anything, don't do anything beyond that.
And keep telling them that you love them.
posted by inturnaround at 9:00 AM on January 5, 2015 [19 favorites]
You've not spoken about this with your father? I think you need to let him know you know. Not in an overly "I'm worried about you. What do we do?" way, but in a way that says that he doesn't have to keep up pretense. And yes, if your mother knows, talk about it with her. I think it's bullshit to play this game of "I know, but they don't know I know..." Offer your support and do what they request. If they don't want anything, don't do anything beyond that.
And keep telling them that you love them.
posted by inturnaround at 9:00 AM on January 5, 2015 [19 favorites]
If they don't want to talk about it, they shouldn't have to talk about it. It seems like they deal with this sort of thing as a two-person team, and that's totally valid. I think you should treat this as information gained via eavesdropping - the knowledge is your burden, and you shouldn't make it theirs.
That said, you do know about it. And there may come a time in their lives when someone needs to know about these things, outside of their two-person team. So one thing you might consider is feeling them out about future planning. Do they have wills? Advanced directives? Health care proxies? Do you know what their wishes and/or existing arrangements are with regard to final disposition, funerals and resting places? As your parents age, these things will become more and more important.
More than that, this conversation can serve as a down to earth, business-like gateway into conversations that may feel too personal to discuss in other contexts. For instance, one question that might come up is whether they're on any ongoing medications or have any health conditions that might be important if they were unexpectedly hospitalized. There's no guarantee that medical issues will always arise near an ER that has immediate access to their health systems, and medical record transfer is not always swift - providing doctors with a list of medications and conditions right in the moment can be very helpful.
Note, I don't think this conversation gives you a right to press them on anything they don't seem willing to disclose, or to hint heavily that you know something and want them to tell you openly. It's a thing you and your parents should already be thinking about. Given that your brother is 40, I'm assuming they're at least in their sixties; if they're in their young sixties, they might think it's too early, so I wouldn't put on a full court press or anything unless their health is really poor in general.)
posted by kythuen at 9:36 AM on January 5, 2015
That said, you do know about it. And there may come a time in their lives when someone needs to know about these things, outside of their two-person team. So one thing you might consider is feeling them out about future planning. Do they have wills? Advanced directives? Health care proxies? Do you know what their wishes and/or existing arrangements are with regard to final disposition, funerals and resting places? As your parents age, these things will become more and more important.
More than that, this conversation can serve as a down to earth, business-like gateway into conversations that may feel too personal to discuss in other contexts. For instance, one question that might come up is whether they're on any ongoing medications or have any health conditions that might be important if they were unexpectedly hospitalized. There's no guarantee that medical issues will always arise near an ER that has immediate access to their health systems, and medical record transfer is not always swift - providing doctors with a list of medications and conditions right in the moment can be very helpful.
Note, I don't think this conversation gives you a right to press them on anything they don't seem willing to disclose, or to hint heavily that you know something and want them to tell you openly. It's a thing you and your parents should already be thinking about. Given that your brother is 40, I'm assuming they're at least in their sixties; if they're in their young sixties, they might think it's too early, so I wouldn't put on a full court press or anything unless their health is really poor in general.)
posted by kythuen at 9:36 AM on January 5, 2015
As cancer goes, prostate cancer is one of the most treatable and survivable cancers to have. The ACA says so. It's a thing that happens, but overall not much worse than many other chronic health related issues that one gets as one gets older.
Please let your father have his privacy about this.
In general, if you want to support them in a meaningful way, take some time and -- in a planned way -- work with your brother to discuss with them things that you and he could do to help lighten their burden as they get older. Maybe this is visiting more, maybe this is helping them with big household projects when you do visit, maybe this is hiring a cleaning service for them (although my mom would never accept this in a million years), maybe it's helping them get their wills and advanced directives in order -- but other than offering, there isn't much you can do.
But do call your mom on a regular basis, and just update her about your life and let her tell you about hers. Stay connected. Tell them you love them. That's the most important thing.
posted by anastasiav at 9:40 AM on January 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Please let your father have his privacy about this.
In general, if you want to support them in a meaningful way, take some time and -- in a planned way -- work with your brother to discuss with them things that you and he could do to help lighten their burden as they get older. Maybe this is visiting more, maybe this is helping them with big household projects when you do visit, maybe this is hiring a cleaning service for them (although my mom would never accept this in a million years), maybe it's helping them get their wills and advanced directives in order -- but other than offering, there isn't much you can do.
But do call your mom on a regular basis, and just update her about your life and let her tell you about hers. Stay connected. Tell them you love them. That's the most important thing.
posted by anastasiav at 9:40 AM on January 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
He hasn't had chemo as far as I can tell (he still has all his hair)
Chemo is not a treatment option for prostate cancer.
If he was lucky and caught this before it escaped the prostate itself, his prognosis is fairly good. And even if it has spread, prostate is a slow-growing cancer. There's a good chance of recurrence after surgery, which would be treatable with radiation and/or hormone therapy. The whole while, it's possible to lead a pretty normal life for many years. (I'm going on 15 years, myself.) This may explain his thinking in not wanting people to know, not wanting to deal with their questions or attempts at support, etc. He doesn't feel he needs it. I would respect that.
posted by beagle at 9:42 AM on January 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
Chemo is not a treatment option for prostate cancer.
If he was lucky and caught this before it escaped the prostate itself, his prognosis is fairly good. And even if it has spread, prostate is a slow-growing cancer. There's a good chance of recurrence after surgery, which would be treatable with radiation and/or hormone therapy. The whole while, it's possible to lead a pretty normal life for many years. (I'm going on 15 years, myself.) This may explain his thinking in not wanting people to know, not wanting to deal with their questions or attempts at support, etc. He doesn't feel he needs it. I would respect that.
posted by beagle at 9:42 AM on January 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
You're the best judge of your relationship with your parents and what they would or wouldn't prefer. My WASPy family certainly doesn't let it all hang out, but we also don't have much tolerance for the whole "mutual conspiracy of silence" thing. It's also his/their right to decide how much to tell you.
What I personally would do--and this may or may not be right for you--would be to say "Dad, I wanted to let you know that I accidentally ran across X document with a diagnosis of prostate cancer on it. Your health and what you choose to tell us is your business and Mom's, but it felt deceptive to me to pretend I hadn't seen it. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing is OK, I respect your privacy." Then you let him decide what, if anything, he wants to say, and let him bring it up in the future if he wants to talk about it.
And yeah, keep it up with taking an interest in his interests and providing a loving ear for both your folks, just on general principles.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 9:50 AM on January 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
What I personally would do--and this may or may not be right for you--would be to say "Dad, I wanted to let you know that I accidentally ran across X document with a diagnosis of prostate cancer on it. Your health and what you choose to tell us is your business and Mom's, but it felt deceptive to me to pretend I hadn't seen it. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing is OK, I respect your privacy." Then you let him decide what, if anything, he wants to say, and let him bring it up in the future if he wants to talk about it.
And yeah, keep it up with taking an interest in his interests and providing a loving ear for both your folks, just on general principles.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 9:50 AM on January 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
Your parents are adults and it is their prerogative to deal with health issues privately. However, there will come a day when their health declines sufficiently that they absolutely will need help from someone, which means letting people in about private matters. While prostate cancer is pretty manageable in the grand scheme, I think it is likely to be true that this is a preview of what will happen when things get a lot more dire.
My in-laws were intensely private and did not disclose their failing health to their adult children--nor myriad other problems--and when things got to a state where outside intervention was absolutely necessary it was extremely difficult for everybody on many levels. For sure many many aspects of their health, life, finances, and relationships with their families were negatively impacted far beyond what needed to be the case, because they were so unwilling to discuss sensitive issues and accept help.
So, with that in mind, I think you're a loving and concerned child, and I want to affirm that this issue and the ones that are almost certain to come are very, very tricky. I think the best advice so far is to see if you can have the discussion about end-of-life and estate matters in a general way, so that when the situation gets heavier you are all clear about who does what under which circumstances. If they're that closed off, however, they may not be willing to confront those uncomfortable issues at all.
It sounds like you would benefit from some support yourself. I get the sense that a bit part of your motivation to connect with your parents about this is to get some reassurance for yourself as well, in a few differnt ways. If they really will not be open to that, I strongly urge you to talk the matter over with a counselor or therapist.
Good luck to all of you.
posted by Sublimity at 9:55 AM on January 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
My in-laws were intensely private and did not disclose their failing health to their adult children--nor myriad other problems--and when things got to a state where outside intervention was absolutely necessary it was extremely difficult for everybody on many levels. For sure many many aspects of their health, life, finances, and relationships with their families were negatively impacted far beyond what needed to be the case, because they were so unwilling to discuss sensitive issues and accept help.
So, with that in mind, I think you're a loving and concerned child, and I want to affirm that this issue and the ones that are almost certain to come are very, very tricky. I think the best advice so far is to see if you can have the discussion about end-of-life and estate matters in a general way, so that when the situation gets heavier you are all clear about who does what under which circumstances. If they're that closed off, however, they may not be willing to confront those uncomfortable issues at all.
It sounds like you would benefit from some support yourself. I get the sense that a bit part of your motivation to connect with your parents about this is to get some reassurance for yourself as well, in a few differnt ways. If they really will not be open to that, I strongly urge you to talk the matter over with a counselor or therapist.
Good luck to all of you.
posted by Sublimity at 9:55 AM on January 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
To emphasize what beagle said, most men die WITH prostate cancer, not FROM it. You should read up on it so you can understand that, unlike say liver or pancreatic cancer, it's not a panic-omg-he's-about-to-die scenario.
That said, the effects of prostate cancer can be worse than the cancer itself, from a "manly man's" point of view. Incontinence, impotence, for some men ... well, they might feel worse about those than getting up close and personal with mortality. That's why he may want to keep it private. If your dad is that kind of "manly man", i would not let on that you know. As for supporting them, anastasiav has it right.
posted by scorpia22 at 10:04 AM on January 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
That said, the effects of prostate cancer can be worse than the cancer itself, from a "manly man's" point of view. Incontinence, impotence, for some men ... well, they might feel worse about those than getting up close and personal with mortality. That's why he may want to keep it private. If your dad is that kind of "manly man", i would not let on that you know. As for supporting them, anastasiav has it right.
posted by scorpia22 at 10:04 AM on January 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
If your parents are predisposed to secret-keeping and/or paranoia, you're asking for advice on how best to walk directly into a minefield. You say you found out by accident, but the number of pieces of evidence you provide support "snooping" at least as much as they do "accident." If you're going to say anything at all you essentially need to practice spycraft, in that you need to show a trail of public evidence, in order to prove that you didn't get the information by surreptitious means. I say this not because I don't believe you, but because I had a horrible confrontation recently that came from an honest discovery. In my case, I mentioned something to my mom that I found while looking for something else that she had asked me to find and she exploded at me about how I was spying on her and digging around her stuff.
So you can bring it up, but if you do you have to provide the trail of evidence that led to your conclusion and be aware that they might not want to talk about it. They might also get defensive and accusatory (e.g. "why were you digging around that stuff anyway, what business was it of yours?"). And as others have pointed out above prostate cancer is common and scorpia22's "WITH, not FROM" comment is spot on, so it isn't necessarily a thing you need to be extremely concerned about.
What can be concerning (as an adult child of aging parents) is that many end of life decisions either haven't been made or haven't been made clear to the kids, and there's rarely a good time to start those conversations. So you might be able to use this to pry open the hermetic seal around their relationship ("I know this particular thing is something the two of you can handle, but we want you to know that we'd like to be informed and involved in the future") but it could also explode in your face instead.
posted by fedward at 10:11 AM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
So you can bring it up, but if you do you have to provide the trail of evidence that led to your conclusion and be aware that they might not want to talk about it. They might also get defensive and accusatory (e.g. "why were you digging around that stuff anyway, what business was it of yours?"). And as others have pointed out above prostate cancer is common and scorpia22's "WITH, not FROM" comment is spot on, so it isn't necessarily a thing you need to be extremely concerned about.
What can be concerning (as an adult child of aging parents) is that many end of life decisions either haven't been made or haven't been made clear to the kids, and there's rarely a good time to start those conversations. So you might be able to use this to pry open the hermetic seal around their relationship ("I know this particular thing is something the two of you can handle, but we want you to know that we'd like to be informed and involved in the future") but it could also explode in your face instead.
posted by fedward at 10:11 AM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your question is about supporting your dad but I want to emphasize that it is very important for you to determine your own risks based on genetic factors. For example, men with BRCA gene mutations are twice as likely to develop prostate cancer, so if that's the case - and it well may be as this seems to run in your family based on your own suspicions - it is extremely important for you to get genetically tested asap, even if you are female and think that prostate cancer is not relevant to you personally (I presume that you are... only because of what you said about your brother). Ditto if you have sisters or cousins or any up to 3rd degree relatives.
In my personal opinion, the genetic risks are high enough to trump your father's right to privacy - and he may very well agree once you go to him armed with statistics (example)!
I should also note that it impacts not only the survival rates of both males and more significantly females in your family, but also their reproductive choices. In the very least, call your primary doctor and discuss all of this with him or her.
posted by rada at 10:22 AM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
In my personal opinion, the genetic risks are high enough to trump your father's right to privacy - and he may very well agree once you go to him armed with statistics (example)!
I should also note that it impacts not only the survival rates of both males and more significantly females in your family, but also their reproductive choices. In the very least, call your primary doctor and discuss all of this with him or her.
posted by rada at 10:22 AM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
My father recently got diagnosed with cancer, a more serious kind that prostate so please take this with a grain of salt:
1) I have decided in the short term to leave him alone to process/manage things
2) From a long-term perspective this is not sustainable. We are running accross a lot of issues financially and managing things have been very difficult due to his silence.
Honestly, your father's disease seems to be maneageble approach the subject from a general standpoint...without giving up his privacy or that you know and see what happens then. Start seeing the gaps in long term planning within your family and from there you'll have a more informed decision about WHY you need to approach him.
posted by The1andonly at 11:12 AM on January 5, 2015
1) I have decided in the short term to leave him alone to process/manage things
2) From a long-term perspective this is not sustainable. We are running accross a lot of issues financially and managing things have been very difficult due to his silence.
Honestly, your father's disease seems to be maneageble approach the subject from a general standpoint...without giving up his privacy or that you know and see what happens then. Start seeing the gaps in long term planning within your family and from there you'll have a more informed decision about WHY you need to approach him.
posted by The1andonly at 11:12 AM on January 5, 2015
Oh my goodness. I don't know your family but in general, I'd vote for leaving this alone, for all the reasons others have given.
I don't think you should have told your brother: it's not your information to share. And really you should read up on prostate cancer before doing anything further --- I think you might be reacting quite differently to this if you had better information. For example, the medical establishment is much less sure than it used to be that early detection of prostate cancer is a good thing, because the cure can be significantly worse than the disease, and many people go on to regret having had treatment for it.
posted by Susan PG at 1:16 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think you should have told your brother: it's not your information to share. And really you should read up on prostate cancer before doing anything further --- I think you might be reacting quite differently to this if you had better information. For example, the medical establishment is much less sure than it used to be that early detection of prostate cancer is a good thing, because the cure can be significantly worse than the disease, and many people go on to regret having had treatment for it.
posted by Susan PG at 1:16 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Well. I'm totally against the consensus here. You know this. You can't unknow this. Learning to cope with this is just as much a part of you and your other family members as it is your Dad's. While I understand privacy, we're talking about a few different things here and your father is only one component of relationship management. I'd talk to your mom - not your dad. Frankly, I'd also argue, while he may be going through cancer and choosing to go through it alone, he may also be the least important to consider when thinking about this. I went through something similar to this last year. Sort of. My dad died in October from things related to his cancer and care. I spent a good part of the year giving both him and my mom pep talks to help them get through it. If my dad hadn't told me, I'd just have given my mom pep talks - but I'd have also been calling him every day regardless - which was a total change in behavior on my own part.
For my mom, I was invaluable - she told me so when she saw me over the holidays. I helped her cope with watching her husband's health in a state where she had never seen it. I helped walk her through being an advocate for dad when he wasn't capable of it. I helped her sort through a lot of her emotions. I helped her prep for Dad's bad days. I helped her feel capable and in control of certain parts of the whole ordeal. She'll tell you - her life stopped for a year and starting to find a way back to a new normalcy isn't an easy thing.
I'd add that the last phone conversation that I had with my dad included him thinking that he was going to die, apologizing for not telling me a few things about the cancer and me letting him know that was okay. I cheered him up, got his head around this being another push to get better - or if he wanted he could throw in the towel, and that things either worked out or they didn't - any way I assured him that I loved him. My mom was devastated from where his head space was and I did my best to help her too. I talked to her daily. Letting her vent, letting her cry, talking to her about how to deal with his care, and trying to help her take some steps to help her self. My dad lived for about a month and a half after that, and aged about 10-20 years in that time span.
You know, this may all be simple, this may all be routine and it may be just a speed bump through life. It also may not. My advice is to make sure that the people you love know that you love them and that you make yourself available to them in any capacity that they need. I stress need here - not want. The funny thing about cancer here is that family members might isolate themselves over this and a gentle push might help them more than they think they want.
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:59 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
For my mom, I was invaluable - she told me so when she saw me over the holidays. I helped her cope with watching her husband's health in a state where she had never seen it. I helped walk her through being an advocate for dad when he wasn't capable of it. I helped her sort through a lot of her emotions. I helped her prep for Dad's bad days. I helped her feel capable and in control of certain parts of the whole ordeal. She'll tell you - her life stopped for a year and starting to find a way back to a new normalcy isn't an easy thing.
I'd add that the last phone conversation that I had with my dad included him thinking that he was going to die, apologizing for not telling me a few things about the cancer and me letting him know that was okay. I cheered him up, got his head around this being another push to get better - or if he wanted he could throw in the towel, and that things either worked out or they didn't - any way I assured him that I loved him. My mom was devastated from where his head space was and I did my best to help her too. I talked to her daily. Letting her vent, letting her cry, talking to her about how to deal with his care, and trying to help her take some steps to help her self. My dad lived for about a month and a half after that, and aged about 10-20 years in that time span.
You know, this may all be simple, this may all be routine and it may be just a speed bump through life. It also may not. My advice is to make sure that the people you love know that you love them and that you make yourself available to them in any capacity that they need. I stress need here - not want. The funny thing about cancer here is that family members might isolate themselves over this and a gentle push might help them more than they think they want.
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:59 PM on January 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Here's what I would do: I would talk to Mom, tell her I accidentally found these documents. See how she's doing, get her perspective on why Dad wants this to be secret and whether she thinks that's a good thing. If she says do not tell Dad, listen to her. But I'm guessing she won't say that.
I can see the argument that you need to respect his privacy, but this is your DAD. I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to keep this secret because he doesn't want to "burden" his kids, or one of those other lame parental reasons based on the idea that his kids are all still 12 years old and he needs to put on a strong front.
If he is at all upset that you brought it up, I suspect that will be short-lived. If he tells you he wants to deal with this privately and never discuss it again, respect that. But you didn't intend to find that stuff and I suspect that if you talk about this it will be for the best. You would be coming at this from a place of love and concern, not some desire to violate his privacy.
Your dad is probably trying to be all tough and buttoned-down and Dad-ish about this, and F that. You're an adult now, and having your support will probably bring him a lot of comfort.
That's what I would do. I don't know your family, and that could be horrible advice for you. But I can see many ways it would be good to talk to him, and the list of reasons for staying quiet is a lot shorter.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:46 AM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I can see the argument that you need to respect his privacy, but this is your DAD. I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to keep this secret because he doesn't want to "burden" his kids, or one of those other lame parental reasons based on the idea that his kids are all still 12 years old and he needs to put on a strong front.
If he is at all upset that you brought it up, I suspect that will be short-lived. If he tells you he wants to deal with this privately and never discuss it again, respect that. But you didn't intend to find that stuff and I suspect that if you talk about this it will be for the best. You would be coming at this from a place of love and concern, not some desire to violate his privacy.
Your dad is probably trying to be all tough and buttoned-down and Dad-ish about this, and F that. You're an adult now, and having your support will probably bring him a lot of comfort.
That's what I would do. I don't know your family, and that could be horrible advice for you. But I can see many ways it would be good to talk to him, and the list of reasons for staying quiet is a lot shorter.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:46 AM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am 62 years old. I would be seriously pissed if I was told my kid had been creeping around my private business. Stay out of it unless invited.
posted by crw at 3:16 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by crw at 3:16 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
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There is. You let your father and mother handle their medical issues by themselves, since they are adults and deserve privacy in the matter.
I don't want to betray my father's desire for privacy by telling my mother I know what's going on
Then don't betray your father's desire for privacy. Why do you think you know about his medical and personal situation better than he does?
I feel she could use some way to unburden herself.
How do you know she isn't already doing so? She could either be talking to non-family friends, medical counselors, or other parts of the family. Alternatively, she could be the sort where "unburdening" herself is more stressful than handling it by herself.
Any votes for letting my mom know that I know?
None from me.
posted by saeculorum at 8:52 AM on January 5, 2015 [9 favorites]