Self-help books for couples re: Emotional Connection/Intimacy?
December 30, 2014 3:36 PM Subscribe
Looking for books that specifically focus on forging emotional connections, or on helping one or both members of the marriage open up emotionally and communicate about feelings. Books that couples can read together/have proactive exercises we can do together would be preferable.
My (otherwise lovely) spouse has a self-professed lack of empathy, but he is also the friendliest, nicest, most stable person in the world--not socially-awkward in the slightest, though his friendships do tend to be plentiful but surface.
We have been having big marriage problems due in major part to his inability to emotionally connect (he describes himself as "incapable of having feelings other than positive, neutral, or annoyed"), or for him to even see the value of emotionally connecting. (Another example: he hasn't cried since he broke his foot in grade school, and in 7 years together I've never once seen him so much as tear up.) He is extremely lucky in that he has had no trauma in his life (no heartbreak, no deaths or illnesses) and a great childhood/wonderful relationship with his family.
In good times when there is no external stress, things with us are great (although I need to get my "deep" connections and emotional support from my friends instead--something my spouse has encouraged as he recognizes that I need that.) However this year we have recently had some rocky external stressors, and I was dismayed to discover that when things are tough and stressful he completely shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it, do any sort of compassionate/empathic listening, or feel anything other than "neutral" even when the stressors affect him.
He resents me asking him to "be there" for me, as he says that he prefers to show his love through acts of service. And as lovely as it is for him to cook dinner or give me a neck rub when I'm having a rough day, I would so much rather have him care enough to ask how I'm feeling, and want to talk about it with me. He says he feels like this is a chore he doesn't WANT to do, or know HOW to do. He doesn't really agree with me that pretending everything is fine is not a great way to share the ups and downs of a life with someone. (In his words: "fake it til you make it has always worked well for me.")
He has agreed to couples therapy as I've told him I don't feel comfortable having children with someone who refuses to deal with/acknowledge anyone's pain or trauma. (Example: I have certain questionable scars from my teen years. When I asked him why he had never asked about them after years of living together, he told me he "didn't want to know" what had caused them. When I told him anyway, he just silently absorbed it. He has not brought it up since.)
Anyway. I begged him 6 weeks ago to do some research about emotional connection, (I had just read "Mating in Captivity") and so he bought a book but didn't open it until we had several fights about it over about a month's time. Then he read the first couple chapters (over two weeks and much arm-twisting on my part) and declared the book "dumb." He said I should find a book that we can read together that has exercises we can do together (I also would like this as I'm tired of standing by, waiting for him to do something.)
Honestly, I feel terrible making him do something he so obviously hates/resents, but if we are going to have kids (and he very much wants them ASAP) I need to feel like my partner has my back, emotionally. I am very scared of having kids and becoming isolated/getting severe post-partum.
We asked our marriage counselor for exercises and the counselor just asked my husband to try and check in with himself about how he is feeling more often. That hasn't, um, really helped. We have only had one session so far and we would like to have homework to do in the meantime. Any suggestions are much appreciated!
My (otherwise lovely) spouse has a self-professed lack of empathy, but he is also the friendliest, nicest, most stable person in the world--not socially-awkward in the slightest, though his friendships do tend to be plentiful but surface.
We have been having big marriage problems due in major part to his inability to emotionally connect (he describes himself as "incapable of having feelings other than positive, neutral, or annoyed"), or for him to even see the value of emotionally connecting. (Another example: he hasn't cried since he broke his foot in grade school, and in 7 years together I've never once seen him so much as tear up.) He is extremely lucky in that he has had no trauma in his life (no heartbreak, no deaths or illnesses) and a great childhood/wonderful relationship with his family.
In good times when there is no external stress, things with us are great (although I need to get my "deep" connections and emotional support from my friends instead--something my spouse has encouraged as he recognizes that I need that.) However this year we have recently had some rocky external stressors, and I was dismayed to discover that when things are tough and stressful he completely shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it, do any sort of compassionate/empathic listening, or feel anything other than "neutral" even when the stressors affect him.
He resents me asking him to "be there" for me, as he says that he prefers to show his love through acts of service. And as lovely as it is for him to cook dinner or give me a neck rub when I'm having a rough day, I would so much rather have him care enough to ask how I'm feeling, and want to talk about it with me. He says he feels like this is a chore he doesn't WANT to do, or know HOW to do. He doesn't really agree with me that pretending everything is fine is not a great way to share the ups and downs of a life with someone. (In his words: "fake it til you make it has always worked well for me.")
He has agreed to couples therapy as I've told him I don't feel comfortable having children with someone who refuses to deal with/acknowledge anyone's pain or trauma. (Example: I have certain questionable scars from my teen years. When I asked him why he had never asked about them after years of living together, he told me he "didn't want to know" what had caused them. When I told him anyway, he just silently absorbed it. He has not brought it up since.)
Anyway. I begged him 6 weeks ago to do some research about emotional connection, (I had just read "Mating in Captivity") and so he bought a book but didn't open it until we had several fights about it over about a month's time. Then he read the first couple chapters (over two weeks and much arm-twisting on my part) and declared the book "dumb." He said I should find a book that we can read together that has exercises we can do together (I also would like this as I'm tired of standing by, waiting for him to do something.)
Honestly, I feel terrible making him do something he so obviously hates/resents, but if we are going to have kids (and he very much wants them ASAP) I need to feel like my partner has my back, emotionally. I am very scared of having kids and becoming isolated/getting severe post-partum.
We asked our marriage counselor for exercises and the counselor just asked my husband to try and check in with himself about how he is feeling more often. That hasn't, um, really helped. We have only had one session so far and we would like to have homework to do in the meantime. Any suggestions are much appreciated!
I would recommend John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." It has a section on emotional connection and a lot of exercises.
posted by Lingasol at 4:42 PM on December 30, 2014
posted by Lingasol at 4:42 PM on December 30, 2014
mrs_goldfish & I very much enjoyed the exercises in John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, with positive effects in both the short term and the long term. His analysis of gender differences is way too universalized, but actually might be a perfect fit for the marriage you're describing. The book is designed, among other things, to motivate men like your husband.
Good luck! And hell no, don't have kids until this is all cleared up. Also, you might want to get a new marriage counselor, because WTF no exercises? Oh, and hire another therapist just for you. It's good to have a trained professional whose job it is to prioritize your happiness over your marriage, in situations where the two conflict, and who can be there for you while your husband is still getting his act together.
posted by feral_goldfish at 4:42 PM on December 30, 2014
Good luck! And hell no, don't have kids until this is all cleared up. Also, you might want to get a new marriage counselor, because WTF no exercises? Oh, and hire another therapist just for you. It's good to have a trained professional whose job it is to prioritize your happiness over your marriage, in situations where the two conflict, and who can be there for you while your husband is still getting his act together.
posted by feral_goldfish at 4:42 PM on December 30, 2014
Honestly, there is no book or exercise under the sun that will help if you’re husband is at the very least uninterested, and at most antagonistic, to the idea of adding new ways of sharing himself and of providing loving receptivity to you. Please pay good attention to that voice wary of having children with this person. I will also recommend against the Gottman book everyone's going to recommend in this thread. For people who are open to doing self-work, I think it's great. But for the kind of person you're describing, even quasi-research-based methods are simply things to be intellectually torn down or skeptical about.
I do have a recommendation but it’s not a book and it's not a silver bullet. It’s really fucking uncomfortable. And I’m not quite sure what it’s called. It’s essentially group systems therapy with a somatic/feelings focus. A group of people sit together and report, as accurately as possible, the physical phenomenon they are experiencing (clenched fists, for example, or looseness of muscles, shallow breathing, laughter, whatever). You describe without assigning “reasons” or context. You’re not “upset because you had a fight with your boss” or “happy because you got a new job.” It’s just the physical description.
Others in the group will then either “join with” or “turn away from” the initial person’s phenomenon, evidencing the dynamic of the group, and the group wrestles with the shifting perspectives of its subgroups. This part alone is incredibly hard and most people will be unable to self-monitor well enough to report accurately, or without judgment, about themselves or others. Most people will also be unable to resist describing *why* they feel certain ways.
Eventually—if and when everyone in the group attains some facility with describing their physical state—then the therapist will have people start to label those feelings with emotional descriptors. It will take a while for people to connect the physical with the emotional, again because of the reasons above.
Meanwhile, all the judgey, dysfunctional ways you relate to others will be coming out as a result of this happening in a group where there are multiple points of view and multiple levels of willingness to do the work, and multiple levels of expertise with the method.
This to me sounds like something your partner could benefit from—heck, I consider myself fairly self-aware and it was mind blowing for me. It’s also is something you would *not* do in a group together, which means you’d both be saved the sloppiness of trying to do it “to” each other while unskilled.
If you want you can MeMail me and I’ll try to find out from my old therapist what to look for.
posted by cocoagirl at 4:45 PM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
I do have a recommendation but it’s not a book and it's not a silver bullet. It’s really fucking uncomfortable. And I’m not quite sure what it’s called. It’s essentially group systems therapy with a somatic/feelings focus. A group of people sit together and report, as accurately as possible, the physical phenomenon they are experiencing (clenched fists, for example, or looseness of muscles, shallow breathing, laughter, whatever). You describe without assigning “reasons” or context. You’re not “upset because you had a fight with your boss” or “happy because you got a new job.” It’s just the physical description.
Others in the group will then either “join with” or “turn away from” the initial person’s phenomenon, evidencing the dynamic of the group, and the group wrestles with the shifting perspectives of its subgroups. This part alone is incredibly hard and most people will be unable to self-monitor well enough to report accurately, or without judgment, about themselves or others. Most people will also be unable to resist describing *why* they feel certain ways.
Eventually—if and when everyone in the group attains some facility with describing their physical state—then the therapist will have people start to label those feelings with emotional descriptors. It will take a while for people to connect the physical with the emotional, again because of the reasons above.
Meanwhile, all the judgey, dysfunctional ways you relate to others will be coming out as a result of this happening in a group where there are multiple points of view and multiple levels of willingness to do the work, and multiple levels of expertise with the method.
This to me sounds like something your partner could benefit from—heck, I consider myself fairly self-aware and it was mind blowing for me. It’s also is something you would *not* do in a group together, which means you’d both be saved the sloppiness of trying to do it “to” each other while unskilled.
If you want you can MeMail me and I’ll try to find out from my old therapist what to look for.
posted by cocoagirl at 4:45 PM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
One To One: Understanding Personal Relationships by Theodore Isaac Rubin, MD isn't full of exercises, but it's more thought-provoking and nuanced than the average self-help book — it can't easily be dismissed as "dumb." The end of the book does have a "game" for couples which you might find relevant to your situation. I also recommend the chapters on the different personality and relationship types, and the one about honesty/openness/intimacy. The book also has vivid accounts of couples (fictionalized versions of his clients), which could make it more interesting to read together.
posted by John Cohen at 5:24 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by John Cohen at 5:24 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
I also second John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It's a thin book, and it comes with exercises. My now-husband and I read it together and it's quite fun. I feel like some of his suggestions sound a bit odd and cliched, but we have also picked up "code" phrases to say. For instance, something to say to mean "I hear you and sympathize, but unfortunately have nothing constructive to contribute", which is actually really handy and sounds like it might help your situation.
posted by ethidda at 5:46 PM on December 30, 2014
posted by ethidda at 5:46 PM on December 30, 2014
I'd take a look at Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love You Want. It's a time-tested perennial that sets out the couples therapy modality developed by the authors and known as Imago. If you find that the issues and approaches resonate with you and your partner, there are trained Imago therapists and Imago couples retreats that can help put the concepts into practice with more personalized guidance than you can get from a book.
posted by drlith at 6:04 PM on December 30, 2014
posted by drlith at 6:04 PM on December 30, 2014
I feel that emotional connection between partners is paramount in a successful relationship...but (in general) true, deep, personal change simply does not happen if it is initiated at the behest of one's partner. If your husband does not wan to go deeper into his emotional center, no amount of counseling, arm-twisting, cajoling, or threatening is going to work. He has to want it for himself, or it will not stick.
HOWEVER. You do have some options. By all means, try the books and suggestions here. But know that at the end of the day, all you really have control over is your reaction to his behavior. You also have the option to find the emotional connection you need through other people. If you can find it within yourself to acknowledge that your unmet need could potentially be addressed by friends or family, please try that. I know it is tempting to want your partner to be able to fulfill all your needs, but because our partners are imperfect humans (as are we all), sometimes this is not always possible, or indeed, healthy.
I would also like to suggest that you both attend a few non-violent communication workshops. It is a simple way to start unpicking your needs and feelings from your judgments around them, and to communicate in a gentle, compassionate way. I think you would both get a lot out of it. Good luck!
posted by ananci at 9:43 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
HOWEVER. You do have some options. By all means, try the books and suggestions here. But know that at the end of the day, all you really have control over is your reaction to his behavior. You also have the option to find the emotional connection you need through other people. If you can find it within yourself to acknowledge that your unmet need could potentially be addressed by friends or family, please try that. I know it is tempting to want your partner to be able to fulfill all your needs, but because our partners are imperfect humans (as are we all), sometimes this is not always possible, or indeed, healthy.
I would also like to suggest that you both attend a few non-violent communication workshops. It is a simple way to start unpicking your needs and feelings from your judgments around them, and to communicate in a gentle, compassionate way. I think you would both get a lot out of it. Good luck!
posted by ananci at 9:43 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would suggest How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. It is a fairly easy read and it has exercises for each of you. (there is an Oprah review here) It takes the perspective that men and women are biologically and socially different (not as black and white as the authors present but it seems to fit your marriage) and it might give your husband a clue as to what it is that you are wanting from him and why while also suggesting what you should know about him (subject to verification by him, of course) If he agrees that the male side describes him, it might be a great opening for both of you to come closer together.
posted by metahawk at 9:38 AM on December 31, 2014
posted by metahawk at 9:38 AM on December 31, 2014
Honestly, it sounds like there are really two tasks here. The first is, you need to convince your husband that getting in touch with his own feelings, and empathizing with yours, is a thing he should actually do (and not, say, something he should go through the motions on to humor you). The second is, once your husband's convinced, he needs to actually do the work of getting in touch with his feelings and learning to empathize with yours. You two can collaborate on task #1, and doing it with a couples therapist isn't a bad idea. But task #2 is his problem, and he's unlikely to get very far with it if he isn't willing to take responsibility for it.
On task #2 I agree with cocoagirl that group therapy of some sort would be a good thing for your husband, if he was willing to show up and make a serious go of it. This isn't really the sort of thing where you can drop in for a session or two and see how you like it. (Anyway, as far as I'm aware, therapy groups like this — as opposed to, say, support groups for a specific issue — don't really let people drop in and out like that anyway.)
The therapy group I belong to isn't so rigorously somatic-focused as the one cocoagirl describes, and there are people in it who started out very similar to your husband and have made a lot of progress on that shit, so I don't think the somatic focus thing is a necessary component. What does matter a lot is that the person running the group is experienced and knows what they're doing. If you get to the point where you're looking for a group like that, it might be worth posting another question here asking for recommendations.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:50 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]
On task #2 I agree with cocoagirl that group therapy of some sort would be a good thing for your husband, if he was willing to show up and make a serious go of it. This isn't really the sort of thing where you can drop in for a session or two and see how you like it. (Anyway, as far as I'm aware, therapy groups like this — as opposed to, say, support groups for a specific issue — don't really let people drop in and out like that anyway.)
The therapy group I belong to isn't so rigorously somatic-focused as the one cocoagirl describes, and there are people in it who started out very similar to your husband and have made a lot of progress on that shit, so I don't think the somatic focus thing is a necessary component. What does matter a lot is that the person running the group is experienced and knows what they're doing. If you get to the point where you're looking for a group like that, it might be worth posting another question here asking for recommendations.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:50 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]
« Older Giving up drinking for the new year | Making Many Big Life Changes - WHERE TO START? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Wile, Daniel B. After the fight: A night in the life of a couple. Guilford Press, 1993.
I think it's much, much, much smarter than the average self-help book. It's dense reading, for better or worse. (John Gottman, the guy whose methods can predict divorce, thinks that Wile, the author of the book above, is brilliant.)
It doesn't quite speak to the issue you're describing. But, the book may still be useful to you or your husband. He might see that it's smarter than average and be more interested in reading it. (But probably not.)
***
Another thing I found useful with my girlfriend was these:
Mixed Emotions Cards
It's a deck of cards, with un-cheesy (ymmv) pictures, where each card has an emotion written on it. We sometimes sorted through the cards, put the card over on our individual side if one of us felt it, and put the card in the middle if we both felt it. Then we asked each other questions about the cards we selected.
Maybe you can get him to see it as a challenge, leaning to discern fine-grained emotion within himself and then name it and talk about why...
posted by zeek321 at 4:17 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]