Boyfriend texting another girl?
December 18, 2014 5:03 PM Subscribe
When my boyfriend (of 6 years) and I had a fight, I noticed he was texting all night. I had a look at his phone out of anger, and I wish I hadn't, because now I can't un-see what I saw, nor stop thinking about it. It's probably nothing, but it's got me checking. I know I need to stop, but I need to deal with this issue at hand first. Should I confront him?
While he was on holidays 1.5 months ago, visiting family overseas, he went clubbing with his brother and was introduced to a female friend, and they've been texting since.
In the beginning, they texted heaps and it was quite flirty (especially in the days we had that fight). They complimented each other, and talked playfully. It didn't get to the point of sexting though.
A few weeks on, I find that he's deleted all of that...
She's still flirting, despite knowing he has a girlfriend (e.g. she told him, "If you were here, I'd visit you everyday"). He seems somewhat more neutral now and they talk a little less (maybe because he's been busy), but he's still initiating conversations.
I know it's probably nothing because they live in different countries, but it gives me a bad feeling. What if she lived here? Maybe they'll eventually get bored of each other but I don't know. I'm hoping next time he visits his family, he doesn't meet her again as he suggested. Should I confront him? I know it will raise a lot of trust issues, but I am wondering.
While he was on holidays 1.5 months ago, visiting family overseas, he went clubbing with his brother and was introduced to a female friend, and they've been texting since.
In the beginning, they texted heaps and it was quite flirty (especially in the days we had that fight). They complimented each other, and talked playfully. It didn't get to the point of sexting though.
A few weeks on, I find that he's deleted all of that...
She's still flirting, despite knowing he has a girlfriend (e.g. she told him, "If you were here, I'd visit you everyday"). He seems somewhat more neutral now and they talk a little less (maybe because he's been busy), but he's still initiating conversations.
I know it's probably nothing because they live in different countries, but it gives me a bad feeling. What if she lived here? Maybe they'll eventually get bored of each other but I don't know. I'm hoping next time he visits his family, he doesn't meet her again as he suggested. Should I confront him? I know it will raise a lot of trust issues, but I am wondering.
I'm hoping next time he visits his family, he doesn't meet her again as he suggested.
As he suggested? Oh hell no. Confront him.
posted by Etrigan at 5:24 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
As he suggested? Oh hell no. Confront him.
posted by Etrigan at 5:24 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
What do you have to lose by talking to him about it? I guess it would be "confronting" but it would be more "having a conversation" to my mind. Like, what's this about? Where is our relationship heading? Are we committed or is it time to move on? (Like, REAL questions, not looking for a particular answer, if that makes sense.)
posted by small_ruminant at 5:24 PM on December 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by small_ruminant at 5:24 PM on December 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
i think you need to sit down and have a come to jesus on what you both want out of the relationship and where it's going. if you can't trust each other (you because of the girl, him because you wouldn't have known about her if you hadn't sneaked a look at his phone), then you don't have much of a relationship. constant suspicion kills relationships.
posted by koroshiya at 5:25 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by koroshiya at 5:25 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
The main red flag here to me is the fact that he deleted all of these texts. I'm guessing that's not something he regularly does with his texts. I admit I'm not the most tech savvy person so maybe it depends on the phone, but most people I know including myself just leave texts on the phone. My blackberry automatically deletes anything that is over several weeks old, and same with my friend, but you don't actively delete texts unless you're hiding something. (My friend is actually cheating on their spouse right now-something I'm trying to disuade him from and he is doing what you're bf did- deleting texts from the girl right after they come in.)
Deleting these texts means he's purposely hiding this relationship from you and that is never a good thing in any serious relationship. Does this mean he will cheat on you eventually? If he's suggested actually meeting up with this girl then I would say he's at the very least thought of it. Even though she lives in a different country he's suggested meeting up with her while she's here. Personally, I think you're headed for a world of pain if you stay with this guy.
Also, I don't get it when people get all freaked out about their SO's looking through their phones. After 6 years that shouldn't be a problem. MY SO looks at my phone whenever he feels like it and I do the same to him. My parents (married for over 30 years now) do the same. When you're together you share everything. That's my understanding anyway.
posted by rancher at 5:27 PM on December 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
Deleting these texts means he's purposely hiding this relationship from you and that is never a good thing in any serious relationship. Does this mean he will cheat on you eventually? If he's suggested actually meeting up with this girl then I would say he's at the very least thought of it. Even though she lives in a different country he's suggested meeting up with her while she's here. Personally, I think you're headed for a world of pain if you stay with this guy.
Also, I don't get it when people get all freaked out about their SO's looking through their phones. After 6 years that shouldn't be a problem. MY SO looks at my phone whenever he feels like it and I do the same to him. My parents (married for over 30 years now) do the same. When you're together you share everything. That's my understanding anyway.
posted by rancher at 5:27 PM on December 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
After six years, it's time to shit, or get off the pot. What do you want this relationship to be, and when do you want that to happen? TELL, him what you want. If he's on board, then say, "I'm not okay with you texting other people and flirting, if that's a problem for you, then we don't need to be together any more."
What's the end game with you two? What does he want, what do you want? If you want different things, it may be time to move on.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:29 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
What's the end game with you two? What does he want, what do you want? If you want different things, it may be time to move on.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:29 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
This is the same guy you asked about last May. His behavior is worse than before. Flirting with another woman and making plans to see her without you and hiding it from you are massive red flags. Please end this and find someone who will treat you well. This won't get any better.
Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:30 PM on December 18, 2014 [21 favorites]
Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:30 PM on December 18, 2014 [21 favorites]
I think that you have to come clean about going through his phone. You're not going to be able to forget what you now know, and I think that the only thing left to do is talk about it. You already have trust issues happening here, he just doesn't know about them yet.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 5:32 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 5:32 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
What's the rest of your relationship like? When an ex of mine and I were close to ending our relationship, something like this happened and was one of the relationship death knells. On the other hand in my current relationship something like this would have been the occasion for a serious talk and nothing more. IMHO someone who deals with relationship issues by testing the waters elsewhere is not worth working with.
posted by rhythm and booze at 5:47 PM on December 18, 2014
posted by rhythm and booze at 5:47 PM on December 18, 2014
No. This is not okay. It's troubling that you don't seem to grasp how disrespectful this situation is.
It doesn't have to be this way. You deserve so much better.
posted by pintapicasso at 5:50 PM on December 18, 2014 [7 favorites]
It doesn't have to be this way. You deserve so much better.
posted by pintapicasso at 5:50 PM on December 18, 2014 [7 favorites]
Your partner is repeatedly proving to you that he is not who you want him to be. It's been six years; he's not going to grow into that person. It doesn't matter how much you do or do not love him; your love can't cause him to change into a reliable other half. Move on.
Also, I don't get it when people get all freaked out about their SO's looking through their phones. After 6 years that shouldn't be a problem... When you're together you share everything. That's my understanding anyway.
For your relationship. Every relationship is different, and it doesn't matter who outside that relationship gets it. In my relationship, people are entitled to privacy.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:52 PM on December 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
Also, I don't get it when people get all freaked out about their SO's looking through their phones. After 6 years that shouldn't be a problem... When you're together you share everything. That's my understanding anyway.
For your relationship. Every relationship is different, and it doesn't matter who outside that relationship gets it. In my relationship, people are entitled to privacy.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:52 PM on December 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
You should have a conversation about the state of your relationship. A real one. Figure shit out.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:53 PM on December 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 5:53 PM on December 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
Don't apologize for looking at his phone because it is super RUDE to be texting in front of another person like that. Way to advertise he's up to no good, y'know? Geez.
After six years, you have to ask yourself where this relationship is going.
You have nothing to lose by confronting him once you have decided what you want.
Ultimately, this is a pretty bad sign on his part. Maybe it's the wake up call you both need? There's definitely a point where it's OK to stop dragging it out if the relationship is only "so so."
You probably deserve a lot better. For real.
posted by jbenben at 6:03 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
After six years, you have to ask yourself where this relationship is going.
You have nothing to lose by confronting him once you have decided what you want.
Ultimately, this is a pretty bad sign on his part. Maybe it's the wake up call you both need? There's definitely a point where it's OK to stop dragging it out if the relationship is only "so so."
You probably deserve a lot better. For real.
posted by jbenben at 6:03 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
I was all prepared to do my usual schtick of "Just Because Your Boyfriend Knows People Who Are Female Doesn't Mean He's Cheating On You", but, yeah, getting a woman's number in a club and then exchanging flirty texts is not OK unless you guys have an open relationship or something. Which, I'm guessing from this question, you don't.
I don't know what to tell you to do, but, yes, in my opinion he has crossed a line.
posted by Sara C. at 6:08 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
I don't know what to tell you to do, but, yes, in my opinion he has crossed a line.
posted by Sara C. at 6:08 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
DTMFA unless you are OK with sharing him. Talking doesn't solve the problem with someone you can't trust.
posted by bearwife at 6:13 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by bearwife at 6:13 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yeah--I, too, was about to write a response about talking it out and coming to a mutually agreeable decision re: this woman he's been texting, but after reading your previous question I'm voting for DTMFA.
And I don't say that lightly! I say that only because you have expressed so much ambivalence about this guy, wondering about your different communication styles and a general sense of incompatibility. If you had stars in your eyes and felt like, a lightning bolt of certainty that he was The Best One For You and The Father of Your Future Children, I might advise talking it out and working on it.
But if your feelings towards him have been lukewarm for a while now? I would take this as a sign. A sign that you really aren't compatible, that he's not in it 100%, and that you can do better. If you're only 25/26 years old...oh lawd, you have so much ahead of you! You can meet a mind-boggling array of people who are worthy of your love. They won't make you feel this way. You will feel good and cozy and secure, not suspicious and ambivalent. Good luck.
posted by magdalemon at 6:20 PM on December 18, 2014 [7 favorites]
And I don't say that lightly! I say that only because you have expressed so much ambivalence about this guy, wondering about your different communication styles and a general sense of incompatibility. If you had stars in your eyes and felt like, a lightning bolt of certainty that he was The Best One For You and The Father of Your Future Children, I might advise talking it out and working on it.
But if your feelings towards him have been lukewarm for a while now? I would take this as a sign. A sign that you really aren't compatible, that he's not in it 100%, and that you can do better. If you're only 25/26 years old...oh lawd, you have so much ahead of you! You can meet a mind-boggling array of people who are worthy of your love. They won't make you feel this way. You will feel good and cozy and secure, not suspicious and ambivalent. Good luck.
posted by magdalemon at 6:20 PM on December 18, 2014 [7 favorites]
Wait! You're only 25 or 26?
Woman! Get out there and find someone awesome for you!!
Pull the plug. Find your "forever guy." This guy is not it. He's already looking elsewhere.
You can do better! Guaranteed!
posted by jbenben at 7:37 PM on December 18, 2014 [19 favorites]
Woman! Get out there and find someone awesome for you!!
Pull the plug. Find your "forever guy." This guy is not it. He's already looking elsewhere.
You can do better! Guaranteed!
posted by jbenben at 7:37 PM on December 18, 2014 [19 favorites]
Having friends is fine, but when you deliberately keep potential romantic interests a secret? Sounds like your man is keeping his options open. This is not acceptable behavior for someone committed to a long-term relationship.
Also, what happened to the breakup? You said in your last thread you broke up with him. I assume this is the same fellow? Break up again and stick with it this time around. I promise you it will be less painful than wasting years of your life clinging to a relationship with a partner who has already moved on.
posted by Ndwright at 7:58 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, what happened to the breakup? You said in your last thread you broke up with him. I assume this is the same fellow? Break up again and stick with it this time around. I promise you it will be less painful than wasting years of your life clinging to a relationship with a partner who has already moved on.
posted by Ndwright at 7:58 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
You broke up with this guy already, per your last comment in the previous post. Why did you get back together with him?
The wonderful, wise Anitanola gave you some really good advice in that thread. She said, "A woman can be awfully lonely in a marriage with someone she can't talk to."
I was awfully lonely in my first marriage. I got together with someone wonderful, whose wife had cheated on him with a friend. And that's how he noticed: he started seeing her check her texts and giggle, then hide it away from him, saying, "Oh, I shouldn't show you that!"
Nope. Nothing suspicious about THAT at all. And as he told me later, "I wanted to be cool about it. I didn't want to seem possessive or anything; I wanted to show her that I trusted her and was fine with her doing whatever she wanted. So I just sat there silently and watched as she lit up while flirting with some other guy -- and didn't have the energy to be a partner to me."
Needless to say, that broke up not one but two marriages.
Stand up for yourself. You already know it's the right thing to do.
posted by Madamina at 7:59 PM on December 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
The wonderful, wise Anitanola gave you some really good advice in that thread. She said, "A woman can be awfully lonely in a marriage with someone she can't talk to."
I was awfully lonely in my first marriage. I got together with someone wonderful, whose wife had cheated on him with a friend. And that's how he noticed: he started seeing her check her texts and giggle, then hide it away from him, saying, "Oh, I shouldn't show you that!"
Nope. Nothing suspicious about THAT at all. And as he told me later, "I wanted to be cool about it. I didn't want to seem possessive or anything; I wanted to show her that I trusted her and was fine with her doing whatever she wanted. So I just sat there silently and watched as she lit up while flirting with some other guy -- and didn't have the energy to be a partner to me."
Needless to say, that broke up not one but two marriages.
Stand up for yourself. You already know it's the right thing to do.
posted by Madamina at 7:59 PM on December 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
Oh hell no. Confront him.
I can't see how that's worth it. What would it fix, or solve? Somebody who is not worth your time is not worth your effort; put him aside and move on.
posted by mhoye at 8:21 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
I can't see how that's worth it. What would it fix, or solve? Somebody who is not worth your time is not worth your effort; put him aside and move on.
posted by mhoye at 8:21 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
I don't have access to your boyfriend's internal life, so read this with the caveat that it is very speculative and could be completely off-base, but: I suspect, based on his behavior during your fight, that your boyfriend is using this woman as a fantasy object. He met her in an environment free of most of the demands and stressors of everyday life, and so he's able to imagine her as someone he can be completely himself with, someone whom he need make no concessions to, you get the idea. It doesn't even matter if he never sees her again: she will be his mental escape whenever things get rough between you, and that means he will always devote less than the full amount of emotional effort required for you two to actually reach an understanding on what you need from each other. She'll probably cotton to this dynamic eventually and get tired of keeping in contact with him, and that will only make things worse, since he'll both be distracted by his grief and concerned with hiding it from you.
It's not an insurmountable challenge for him to get straight on this nonsense, but it would be very difficult, and honestly I don't see what's in it for you in seeing him through that process. You ought to talk to him about this nonetheless, but keep that scenario in mind. If it is the case, he will spin up a very elaborate emotional narrative to convince you that it's not the case, but unless he's a very skilled manipulator you will likely find aspects of it subtly unconvincing. Trust that voice if it speaks to you.
posted by invitapriore at 10:57 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
It's not an insurmountable challenge for him to get straight on this nonsense, but it would be very difficult, and honestly I don't see what's in it for you in seeing him through that process. You ought to talk to him about this nonetheless, but keep that scenario in mind. If it is the case, he will spin up a very elaborate emotional narrative to convince you that it's not the case, but unless he's a very skilled manipulator you will likely find aspects of it subtly unconvincing. Trust that voice if it speaks to you.
posted by invitapriore at 10:57 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
You don't trust this guy. Save yourself the hassle and move on. Trust is the keystone of any relationship. When that's gone, you're left with a pile of rubble. You can't use that rubble to rebuild an arch without the keystone.
posted by Solomon at 12:58 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Solomon at 12:58 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's like you're standing by watching your relationship be destroyed. Don't do that, do something.
posted by devnull at 1:16 AM on December 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by devnull at 1:16 AM on December 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
6 years - and you don't want to hear what he has to say?
Confront him? You say, "I know it is probably nothing..." - but the only way to ask about it is a confrontation. Can't you talk to him about it? Why is it confrontational if you think it is probably nothing.
For me personally, if you are 6 years in, and you feel like you can't trust him - and that the only way to talk about a possible problem in you relationship is through confrontation - then your relationship has other problems besides these text messages.
I will tell you this - if you don't get to the bottom of these text messages, then the relationship is over. This will grow in your head like a cancer. It will effect what you think every time he talks to any woman anywhere.
But, I don't see how you just end a six year relationship without trying to resolve the issue. People are so quick to post comments about dumping the guy - that the primary answer to every mefi relationship question.
But, I don't get it. Six years - and you are just going to throw the entire relationship away without hearing his side of the story.
posted by Flood at 4:21 AM on December 19, 2014
Confront him? You say, "I know it is probably nothing..." - but the only way to ask about it is a confrontation. Can't you talk to him about it? Why is it confrontational if you think it is probably nothing.
For me personally, if you are 6 years in, and you feel like you can't trust him - and that the only way to talk about a possible problem in you relationship is through confrontation - then your relationship has other problems besides these text messages.
I will tell you this - if you don't get to the bottom of these text messages, then the relationship is over. This will grow in your head like a cancer. It will effect what you think every time he talks to any woman anywhere.
But, I don't see how you just end a six year relationship without trying to resolve the issue. People are so quick to post comments about dumping the guy - that the primary answer to every mefi relationship question.
But, I don't get it. Six years - and you are just going to throw the entire relationship away without hearing his side of the story.
posted by Flood at 4:21 AM on December 19, 2014
When my boyfriend (of 6 years) and I had a fight, I noticed he was texting all night.
So you have a fight, and he goes texting with this other girl, is that what happened? I mean, I have no idea what your fight culture is, but that seems even wronger than him just texting with some girl behind your back, if that's even possible.
I'd take my li'l life with me and get out, like, yesterday.
posted by Namlit at 5:37 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
So you have a fight, and he goes texting with this other girl, is that what happened? I mean, I have no idea what your fight culture is, but that seems even wronger than him just texting with some girl behind your back, if that's even possible.
I'd take my li'l life with me and get out, like, yesterday.
posted by Namlit at 5:37 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
Texting a woman you met in a club when you have had a fight with your long-term girlfriend is very immature behavior. Keeping a potential hook-up on reserve is disrespectful and disloyal.
You should have a conversation with him, but I think it should focus on the overall state of your relationship and whether it potential to continue or has reached a natural end-point. People stay together out of convenience or fear or reluctance to ask for anything better, but I think you're far too young to settle for this.
posted by Squeak Attack at 6:57 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
You should have a conversation with him, but I think it should focus on the overall state of your relationship and whether it potential to continue or has reached a natural end-point. People stay together out of convenience or fear or reluctance to ask for anything better, but I think you're far too young to settle for this.
posted by Squeak Attack at 6:57 AM on December 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
This is so sad, because he probably has already cheated on you, and is planning to do it again, and he's too cowardly to dump you and be honest. And you are so blind that you're not even considering breaking up with him, instead asking if you should "confront" him?
As if confronting him will fix the problem?
As if he would be ashamed, and say "I'm sorry I was deliberately flirting and fantasizing about this other girl. Gosh, now that you've pointed it out I'll just stop forever and never flirt with another person but you. Not even when we're fighting, which we do regularly, and which is when I really get hot for someone other than you."
You are lying to yourself, and you are allowing him to lie, lie, lie. Cheat and lie.
Wake up and dump him. Don't ask him questions. Do not "confront." You don't need more information. You are young and attractive and he is an asshole who will never change for you.
Years! You've given him six years already!
posted by General Tonic at 7:08 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
As if confronting him will fix the problem?
As if he would be ashamed, and say "I'm sorry I was deliberately flirting and fantasizing about this other girl. Gosh, now that you've pointed it out I'll just stop forever and never flirt with another person but you. Not even when we're fighting, which we do regularly, and which is when I really get hot for someone other than you."
You are lying to yourself, and you are allowing him to lie, lie, lie. Cheat and lie.
Wake up and dump him. Don't ask him questions. Do not "confront." You don't need more information. You are young and attractive and he is an asshole who will never change for you.
Years! You've given him six years already!
posted by General Tonic at 7:08 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
I spent my late teens and early-mid twenties with a total oxygen thief. Your guy is. If you feel like you can't trust him, you probably can't in this case because his behavior is shady as hell and is not --IS NOT -- inspiring confidence. And it's clear he doesn't care enough about your relationship to fix it.
He is selfish and his behavior is cruel. DTMFA. There is someone better out there and you deserve to enjoy your 20s.
posted by michellew at 8:01 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
He is selfish and his behavior is cruel. DTMFA. There is someone better out there and you deserve to enjoy your 20s.
posted by michellew at 8:01 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
In your last question you mentioned that he's a conservative, black and white kind of guy.
That kind of guy doesn't do this sort of thing lightly, he does this sort of thing because he's shopping for something better.
You both deserve better - you felt a year ago like you were settling, and your description of the GOOD things in your relationship made me a little sad, because it didn't sound like a very good relationship.
While I agree that usually mefi is too ready to ditch relationships, and usually one partner texting doesn't necessarily mean cheating? You both deserve so much better than this. Go find that sooner rather than later.
posted by ldthomps at 10:09 AM on December 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
That kind of guy doesn't do this sort of thing lightly, he does this sort of thing because he's shopping for something better.
You both deserve better - you felt a year ago like you were settling, and your description of the GOOD things in your relationship made me a little sad, because it didn't sound like a very good relationship.
While I agree that usually mefi is too ready to ditch relationships, and usually one partner texting doesn't necessarily mean cheating? You both deserve so much better than this. Go find that sooner rather than later.
posted by ldthomps at 10:09 AM on December 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
Time to break up!
posted by destructive cactus at 10:23 AM on December 19, 2014
posted by destructive cactus at 10:23 AM on December 19, 2014
Take this to heart, "Never make someone a priority who views YOU as an option." Those are some damn truthful words from Maya Angelou.
You maybe saying to yourself, "I don't want to waste those six years", well, my response to that is you ALREADY HAVE wasted those years. The best thing to do is not waste FUTURE years. You want to salvage your ego? Dump him first.
posted by jadepearl at 6:30 PM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
You maybe saying to yourself, "I don't want to waste those six years", well, my response to that is you ALREADY HAVE wasted those years. The best thing to do is not waste FUTURE years. You want to salvage your ego? Dump him first.
posted by jadepearl at 6:30 PM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
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