Do I REALLY need to take a break from dating?

November 29, 2014 9:42 PM

I know I "should" take a break from dating, but I don't want to. Why "should" I? Snowflakery follows

After ending things with a guy I was dating for 6 weeks, which started a week after breaking up with my live in boyfriend of 4 months, who I started dating 4 weeks after breaking up with my live-in boyfriend of a year and a half, I am missing companionship. Everyone is telling me I should take some time to enjoy being single but I just don't really want to. I feel like I wouldn't just wait around til a job landed in my lap, so why would I avoid looking for a compatible person if I want to be in a relationship? I've told myself I'll take a one month break from Tinder etc. That seems like the "sensible" idea, but please tell me the reasons this is a good idea!

I learned a lot about what I want and don't want in a partner. And clarified that I do want to eventually settle down with somebody. Relationships can be really nice. I have improved my boundary setting. I want to meet someone great.

On the other hand, feeling all lonely etc means I probably need to connect more with my friends as I don't feel terribly close to anyone at the moment. I have lots of friends but I am nobody's best friend. My closest friend moved overseas one year ago and we still talk but it's not the same. My former best friend got a boyfriend and stopped making any time for me. My other three losest friends are guys with serious girlfriends and as their relationships have become more serious, they have had leas time for me. I have a wide social circle and lots of people to hang out with, but no one that is my special person. Maybe that is part of why I want a partner in crime so badly.

I know the "healthy" thing to do after something doesn't work out is to take a period of time alone, free from the distractions of dating, but I just don't want to. Please explain why it's important so that it doesn't feel like such a chore, or tell me that I don't need to worry about it. Cos right now, I could use some company, positive attention (broke up with last guy cos he only showed minimal interest in me), and hope that things will get better for me.

posted by Chrysalis to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Uh, we had a friend we called "a serial monogamist."

He went from living with someone he was engaged to, to successfully marrying a woman he is still with 20 years+ later...

This is sometimes a legit relationship style.

I would ONLY consider questioning it if your past partners were abusive.

This is not always a Bad Thing .

You keep doing You,
posted by jbenben at 9:49 PM on November 29, 2014 [9 favorites]

The idea is to get comfortable enough with being alone that you don't settle for someone just to avoid being alone.
posted by jaguar at 10:04 PM on November 29, 2014 [94 favorites]

...or, that you don't stay with someone incompatible, or actively toxic, just to avoid being alone.
posted by jaguar at 10:11 PM on November 29, 2014 [28 favorites]

There's a difference between wanting to be with someone because you like companionship and being coupled, and wanting to be with someone because you want them to fill a void.

You sound lonely. That's a void. You can fill it with a boyfriend if you want, but the danger of getting a boyfriend to abate your loneliness is that it can go too far and veer off towards codependence. You are lucky that you have not yet attracted a boyfriend who preys upon your loneliness and isolation, which is a real danger to codependent people. There are lots of ways to fill the void of loneliness, but the key piece that you already sort of get from your post is that you can't expect your friends, or your boyfriends, to be the arbiter of your own happiness. That's not fair. Boyfriends (or girlfriends, or spouses...) are human beings, not accessories to our own singular humanity.

Above, you mention that you broke up with your last boyfriend because he didn't give you enough attention and interest. That is a big sign that you were expecting something from him that did not reflect the reality of the situation. It's possible that your need for attention far outstripped his ability to give it, even if he was/is a normally very attentive person. Expectations are just unformed resentments, so you can stop expecting people to meet your needs (and then getting upset when they inevitably do not) and go out there and meet them yourself. You don't have to stay single, but be on the lookout for codependent behaviors and try to cut them off at the pass instead of leaning so heavily on your "partner in crime." The answers you seek are already within you.

I hope that didn't come off too harsh. It's really hard to find ones' own identity separate from other people. I'm not perfect, and I'm not trying to be; perfection is for chumps. But I see a lot of my old patterns in your questions, and I'll be damned if I don't at least put out there what I learned to save you some time ruminating.
posted by juniperesque at 10:11 PM on November 29, 2014 [21 favorites]

If you really wanted to take a break, I'd say "Yes, take that break!" But you yourself said that you want to keep dating because it's fun! I agree with you: dating IS fun! I'm happily in a committed relationship (that I wouldn't have found had I not dated so much, fwiw) BUT I actually have truly enjoyed the ups and downs of dating, challenges and drama and all. I'm choosing to be in the partnership but would likely be equally happy single or casually dating people.

There's definitely societal pressure to "settle" down, both blatant and subconscious. This is OK because a lot of people seem to want a steady, committed relationship. However, plenty of people want something different, which feels good or "right" but doesn't come with a heteronormative/societal stamp of approval: casually dating many people, doing serial monogamy, having one committed relationship, being polyamorous, etc. are ALL valid and "correct" choices, too. No one relationships style is better than any other, by default at least, and different scenarios can feel right at different times of your life. (They have for me at least!)

I say do both: as in, keep dating if you want but also take the time to reconnect with old friends and yourself outside of dating. If you're feeling lost or confused, take that time off for introspection and get that outside support from professionals and loved ones. But if you're feeling people are projecting, however well-intentioned, just keep doing your own thing: if and when it's time to truly change course, say if you're feeling so frustrated for down from dating, you can respect that feeling and take action.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:13 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

I just looked over your posting history. I would like to keep the overall message but add this: YES, I think a break from dating would be beneficial if it'd mean learning to like yourself more and recognize all YOU have to offer, both to yourself and others.

So, first, good for you for not having stayed in the unhappy situations you've mentioned before -- and, hey, please don't feel bad or ashamed because so many of us have been there in different ways at different times. I now wish you good luck making your next step!
posted by smorgasbord at 10:22 PM on November 29, 2014 [5 favorites]

You can keep dating and having fun if you want, but just make sure that you don't end up settling. It sounds like you are capable of making good decisions for yourself - breaking up with a guy who shows little interest in you is commendable - and the whole point of dating is learning about your needs. It sounds like you moved in with your last boyfriend a little bit too soon. You were only together for a total of four months? If you had waited a bit longer, maybe you would have realised the relationship wasn't right before moving in. Just try not to make that a pattern.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:24 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

You wouldn't wait around until a job landed in your lap, but lots of people do take a break from (or delay joining) the work world to go to school to develop more skills and knowledge so that when they do look for a job, they can get a better job that's a good fit for them instead of working at McDonald's or something. You could see dating that way too--it depends on whether you feel like you have all the skills/judgment/are at a mental and emotional place where you can pick good people to date and can do relationships well.
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:27 PM on November 29, 2014 [22 favorites]

It's a good idea for you to take a break from dating because you view being in a relationship the same way you would a job.

That really, really says something about your assumptions about the world and where you think your worth lies.

You need a job because you need money to fulfill basic needs like food and shelter.

You don't need a boyfriend. You are a person in your own right, totally able to move through life without a partner.

Frankly if you feel like you can't take a break from Tinder for a month, that might be something to talk to a therapist about, or at least to really seriously consider.

I think if you're dating because it's fun, more power to you! But it seems pretty clear from this question that you're not dating for fun, you're dating because you feel incomplete outside of a relationship, and potentially compulsive enough about it that you can't leave hunting for a new boyfriend aside for even one month. You compared boyfriend-hunting to job hunting. How many people interview for jobs because it's fun? How many people seek employment out of sheer love of going to a job every day?

To be honest, it sounds odd to me that you're even asking this question. Very few people need a list of reasons to take a few weeks off from dating, courtesy of a bunch of internet strangers. The fact that it's a sensible thing to do isn't enough for you is really worth thinking about.
posted by Sara C. at 11:24 PM on November 29, 2014 [25 favorites]

People would absolutely take breaks from jobs if they didn't have the economic pressure of needing to pay next month's rent. It would be awesome if it were easier to do that. I think people would ultimately be more successful.

Do you have a "next month's _______ " situation that a boyfriend is needed to fill?
posted by the jam at 11:53 PM on November 29, 2014 [6 favorites]

I don't think I've ever been single for more than a month or two since I finished puberty and I still ended up happily married.

I agree with jaguar that the point of advice to stay single for a while is so you don't end up in a bad relationship just to be in a relationship. But if you're already pretty picky about who you'll date and ruthless about dumping people when you know there's no future there (as I was), then IMO there's no reason to stay single just to stay single if you've always got lots of good prospects available (as I had).
posted by Jacqueline at 11:55 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

"I feel like I wouldn't just wait around til a job landed in my lap, so why would I avoid looking for a compatible person if I want to be in a relationship?"

You look for a job because you need a job. You take a break from dating because you need a break from dating, not because you're waiting for someone to land in your lap.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 12:29 AM on November 30, 2014

On the other hand, feeling all lonely etc means I probably need to connect more with my friends as I don't feel terribly close to anyone at the moment. I have lots of friends but I am nobody's best friend. ... I have a wide social circle and lots of people to hang out with, but no one that is my special person. Maybe that is part of why I want a partner in crime so badly.

You need to take a break because it sounds like you have not made any effort to keep your friends or make new friends. It seems that you mis-spend all your time in dysfunctional relationships that lead nowhere.

Of course it's a chore. Making friends as an adult is hard. It involves a lot of putting yourself out there, trying to connect with a lot people that lead nowhere. But you will eventually find a few friends, or even a group, whom you like hanging out with and can call in times of trouble. Your friends will give you a stable anchor for your personality, and not a revolving door of a cast of boyfriends.
posted by moiraine at 12:41 AM on November 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

The reason to take a break from dating is for self-discovery and learn to love yourself/be comfortable with yourself. It helps you recognize things about yourself that may lead you repeatedly into bad or unsatisfying relationships. Go back and read your posts from the last year - it sounds like the people in your life are identifying some things that you are struggling to see and that they are encouraging you to step back from dating so you can spend some time learning those things about yourself. If it's any consolation, spending time outside of a relationship can be one of the most important and meaningful (as well as FUN!!) times people can have. You can stay up all night watching TV with no one to judge or spend days at cafes reading alone thinking about what you want from life. It can be lonely too, but that loneliness can lead to some great introspection. I'd say, don't spend that time reconnecting with friends, spend it connecting with yourself.

Re: the job. People who are financially stable take breaks from work (we call it "fun-employment" - get it?) to figure out what they want to do next. This can also be a really meaningful time in people's lives. If you ever get the chance to do this too, I'd say take it.
posted by Toddles at 1:32 AM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Feeling lonely is a sign that you could use some social connection (because we are social animals and it's a very normal/healthy urge to connect with others), but it's also a sign that you could work on devoting some positive attention towards yourself instead of solely seeking it from others.

If you can date but also commit yourself to spending time with friends, family, and yourself at the same time I don't think it's a terrible idea, but as a former relationship-addict I have to say I really regret not giving myself "me" time when I had the time in my twenties. Doing the work of developing a stronger sense of self after already having a kid and needing a stable income is so much harder than if I had done it when I had fewer responsibilities and distractions. Many adults find themselves with fewer friends as people move for their spouses or for work and it does make it hard to socialize but it can also be a great chance to try new things.

Instead of just saying "no tinder" for a month, can you sign up for an art class or seek out a meditation centre or anything that interests you for that same time period? Can you try dating friends instead of potential romantic interests (meaning ask people you think are cool out for coffee or a class or event)? Can you try dating yourself (go out by yourself to music events and movies) and just see what that's like? It's scary at first but doing these little scary things will boost your confidence and make you feel like a courageous, kick-ass lady. Can you feel the urge to seek out a date or check tinder and simply sit with it instead of reacting to it immediately? Can you keep asking yourself "why" when you formulate responses to this discussion so that you can get to the root of why you want to be in a relationship so badly? Whatever you figure out about yourself, work on that, no partner can fix those issues and we all have our own issues to work on. Relationships where both people are not all-in are somewhat of a waste of time if you could be spending that time in other areas of your life that may be getting neglected.

There was a great quote in another of these dating threads that was basically, imagine your ideal partner and the attributes that you want, then devote yourself to developing them in yourself, and a wonderful person will find you. A little cheesy yes but really the time and energy you spend on yourself is never wasted, and as you develop yourself you will be able to attract better partners.
posted by lafemma at 5:46 AM on November 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

The idea is to get comfortable enough with being alone that you don't settle for someone just to avoid being alone.

That's good and legitimate advice. If you are settling and picking people who aren't good for you, then yes, definitely take some time off.

But if you are mostly choosing good people (but with whom things just don't work out) and being with them isn't preventing you from learning and changing and growing, then there's nothing wrong with continuing with what is working.

That's the basic thing: you aren't going to get a different outcome without changing what you are doing. If you don't like the results you are getting, then you have to make changes before you are going to get a better result.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:06 AM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

You don't need to take a break to "enjoy" being single, you need to take a break to identify patterns of how and why you fall into relationships that are accelerated to the point of cohabitation but that don't seem to be working out for you.
posted by mibo at 6:19 AM on November 30, 2014 [9 favorites]

Cos right now, I could use some company, positive attention (broke up with last guy cos he only showed minimal interest in me), and hope that things will get better for me.

The shortest reason to why you need to stop actively looking for a boyfriend is because your self-worth is tied up with male positive attention, and that's not so great.

Your value, your core self worth, should come from who you are, not how many guys want to bang you. If you're finding your personal value in positive attention from others, you're just thinking about things wrong.

THAT'S why we get the advice to lay off looking for a new partner.

So what does a person do in this "down time?" You get to create your own life, which is a fairly freaking awesome thing. You get to walk where you want, see what you want to see, explore whatever it is you want to explore, play whatever damned video games you want, practice candlemaking, try bizarre hair colors, camp out at the library, investigate Early American chairs, bake bread, paint your nails all the colors, get coffee in all sorts of places, write all your songs and sing, get a cat who needs rescuing and start dressing it up, see all the movies you want to see, eat huge salads and even huger chocolate bars for dinner, whatever. You get to do you without having to balance out the needs of someone else.

It's an unbelievably awesome time to be alive and it doesn't happen when you're actively looking for a date. We only have so much brainspace, and when part of you is trying to find a potential boyfriend, you never fully let go and take the time to live life on your own terms.

We become much happier and much more fulfilled when we get to do our own thing, without that little buzzing voice telling us, "You're not complete until someone wants to BE with you." That little voice is just dead wrong.

And consider the reverse: wouldn't you much prefer to be in a relationship with someone who had been on their own, who devoted time to growing and really sussing out what made them tick as opposed to someone who just went from one relationship to another because they needed positive attention all the time?
posted by kinetic at 6:27 AM on November 30, 2014 [10 favorites]

I'll add that another reason to take some down time between relationships is to properly grieve and process the emotions from the previous relationship. That's not always an issue. I've moved on quickly from relationships where there was nothing to grieve because what I felt for the person had already long since evaporated. I've also gotten into another relationship while still grieving and processing the previous one. It wasn't fair to the next person and just prolonged the grieving process until I was alone again.
posted by jazzbaby at 7:23 AM on November 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

I also read your previous questions and I would say that it's not a bad idea that you take a break from dating.

I mean, you can definitely go out an meet new people (and make friends!) but taking some time out to figure out who you are/want to be, who you want to be around, what you want to do, etc. is very important and it's not something that you do overnight. Think about it as an experiment/gift you want to give yourself.

I am also wondering... Could it be that you are scared your 'other half' is out there and if you stop dating you will never meet them?

I believe that people have more than one "soul mate". People change and the person who is perfect for you today might not the same as the one who will be perfect for you in 10 years. Also, we tend to forget that there are literally TONS of cool, nice people out there waiting to be loved or soon to be single, so don't worry about that.

Take some time off and when you decide you are ready to be in a HEALTHY relationship, start looking again, you will find someone.
posted by divina_y_humilde at 8:55 AM on November 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

I believe that it is a thing of quality to learn to live alone. What one gains, ideally, is an understanding of what it means to be independent (a liberation), and the skill (gift, rather) of introspection, which is something absolutely essential to possess when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships.

Look at if from this angle: no you don't "need" to take a break from dating for anyone but perhaps yourself, but then again, what's there to lose?
posted by Namlit at 9:26 AM on November 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

You take a break because otherwise, you're just jumping from guy to guy rather than being selective and picky about the people you're with.

Dating randos hoping you click is sort of like playing slot machines. Sometimes everything lines up and it works, but mostly, it doesn't.

If you're looking for closeness in your dates, you're probably forcing intimacy. When you force intimacy, you're not really getting to know people and at some point it will fall apart.

If you want to randomly date people, and you're up front about it. Fantastic, go for it. But that's not really what you're doing. You're kissing frogs hoping for a prince.

I challenge you to stay single through the holidays. It's easier than you think. Lots of parties, lots of opportunities to do fun activities with friends, and family to catch up with.

Give yourself some time to decide what it is you want in a boyfriend. Write down a list of qualities you want in a man. Really give it thought. Don't just find a guy and conform your desires to what he is.

Also, be honest with yourself. Do you want to be in a long term relationship? If so, don't go out with guys who tell you they're not ready for a LTR. Don't settle, don't lie, don't keep things to yourself.

Hope this helps!

Only once you've decided what you want in a man should you then get back into dating.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:35 AM on November 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

If you don't want to be alone, because you're not happy being alone, why take advice telling you that you ought to be alone and unhappy? It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you. I used to totally buy into this current conventional wisdom that you need to work on yourself until you're okay and happy with being alone and single for the rest of your life and only then should you maybe start dating except really just be self centered and focus on yourself and a partner will magically walk into your life but you don't need them really because you should be okay being alone and everyone else who is happily partnered including all your friends are allowed to need other people and date and all but you need to work on yourself more and be alone more and you "should" be single when you don't want to be because there is some reason you're not good enough yet to try to meet new people and look for a partner. I, for one, am never going to clear that bar of feeling great about it and am kind of weary of reading stuff that tells people they need to work on themselves and aren't good enough. I don't believe it any more. Go keep looking for your special person if that's what you want to do. As long as you're not letting people you're dating treat you poorly, it's fine.
posted by citron at 10:15 AM on November 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Just to harp on your job analogy a bit more: I got my current job by someone actively recruiting me. Best job I've had so far, and it *did* fall in my lap. You can find a lot of good things in life by chance, and by being open to unexpected things, not only by relentlessly shuffling through your options.
posted by deathpanels at 9:36 PM on November 30, 2014

I suggest asking your inner child what she would like to do, and doing it with her. I promise she will be grateful, and when you learn that someone really is home inside you, the idea that you need any one person in order to meet your basic needs will become more easy to question. Similarly, one can work on establishing friendships. It is easy to hear the advice about taking a break from dating to mean a sentence of loneliness or denying your needs and desires. It won't work that way. Instead of trying to find one person to meet all your needs, why not look for lots of people to meet some of them?
posted by macinchik at 12:19 AM on December 2, 2014

Response by poster: Wow that was some tough love, and hard to read at times. But I am committed to taking a month break (to start, will keep reviewing monthly), I also know I have some things to work on, am super heartbroken about how things worked out with my ex as well as the "friends" who chose to support him and excommunicate me, and need to step up my self-care game and strengthen my connections with positive, healthy people. I've realized it's not because people don't think I deserve love right now, it's because I'm more likely to "find" myself in a less than ideal situation in this state.

For the record, my decision to stop dating the last guy was sound. I don't need crazy amounts of attention, but someone who seems generally pleased to see me rather than like he's dating me out of boredom seems reasonable.
posted by Chrysalis at 8:47 PM on December 4, 2014