He didn't even want to have sex with me
November 19, 2014 9:54 PM Subscribe
My co-worker is the first guy I have been attracted to in a year and he seemed to reciprocate but then abpruptly lost interest. I can't stop obssesing over it and feeling rejected and down.
For a few months, I have been noticing a co-worker that works on my floor but not directly in my team always checking me out. In fact, I was sure that he found me attractive (at least). I was happy when I found out that he was single. There are not that many single people over 30, let alone ones that are cute and smart. Few weeks back, maybe a month, we had a work party wher he finally spoke to me. He invited me to come out after with him and his friends which I did. He talked to me all night, we touchy-feely flirted a lot, he got my phone number but not much happened. Few days later he invited me out again and - this time just the two of us. We had dinner for which he paid. He invited me to his place for a coffee after. I was hoping he would make a move but he never did and I left confused.
After that, he got a bit distant but like a week after we bumped into each other randomly and he kept extending it by suggesting we go and eat, then go for a walk etc. He told me that I look beautiful. During that time I mentioned something in my home that needs repairing and he offered to come over and do it for me the next day. That next day, he texted in morning trying to change the time and then he kept changing the time he can come couple of more times. I was cool about it. We finally settled on the time and I texted him "maybe we can go out for a drink after". He replied pretty abruptly that "he has other plans" and then told me that he can only help me for an hour max and then has to go. I got somewhat annoyed but sent him a nice text "Looks like you are busy, I will just get another friend to help, hope you have a nice evening". he resonded briefly and that was it.
It's now been nearly 2 weeks and seems to avoid me at work and things are kind of awkward. It may be worth mentioning that while we hang out, he would constantly get texts from female names so it looks like he is multi dating or something. He never told me anything about that though which I would expect someone that sees us just as friends hanging out would mention.
I guess I feel confused. Did he just see me as a friend and me suggesting drinks crossed some line and creeped him out? I guess I don't see why it would given his initiation of our previous interactions. I also feel really bummed out that he never really made a move on me, not even when I was at his place. I feel like I wasn't even attractive enough for him to have casual sex with me. But then him checking me out for months before that makes no sense - in fact that's why I even noticed him in the first place.
I realize I am overthinking but I really liked him and it's like I had a chance but screwed it up in some way. At this point I would just like to get back to friendly interactions and lose the awkwardness.
What happened here?
For a few months, I have been noticing a co-worker that works on my floor but not directly in my team always checking me out. In fact, I was sure that he found me attractive (at least). I was happy when I found out that he was single. There are not that many single people over 30, let alone ones that are cute and smart. Few weeks back, maybe a month, we had a work party wher he finally spoke to me. He invited me to come out after with him and his friends which I did. He talked to me all night, we touchy-feely flirted a lot, he got my phone number but not much happened. Few days later he invited me out again and - this time just the two of us. We had dinner for which he paid. He invited me to his place for a coffee after. I was hoping he would make a move but he never did and I left confused.
After that, he got a bit distant but like a week after we bumped into each other randomly and he kept extending it by suggesting we go and eat, then go for a walk etc. He told me that I look beautiful. During that time I mentioned something in my home that needs repairing and he offered to come over and do it for me the next day. That next day, he texted in morning trying to change the time and then he kept changing the time he can come couple of more times. I was cool about it. We finally settled on the time and I texted him "maybe we can go out for a drink after". He replied pretty abruptly that "he has other plans" and then told me that he can only help me for an hour max and then has to go. I got somewhat annoyed but sent him a nice text "Looks like you are busy, I will just get another friend to help, hope you have a nice evening". he resonded briefly and that was it.
It's now been nearly 2 weeks and seems to avoid me at work and things are kind of awkward. It may be worth mentioning that while we hang out, he would constantly get texts from female names so it looks like he is multi dating or something. He never told me anything about that though which I would expect someone that sees us just as friends hanging out would mention.
I guess I feel confused. Did he just see me as a friend and me suggesting drinks crossed some line and creeped him out? I guess I don't see why it would given his initiation of our previous interactions. I also feel really bummed out that he never really made a move on me, not even when I was at his place. I feel like I wasn't even attractive enough for him to have casual sex with me. But then him checking me out for months before that makes no sense - in fact that's why I even noticed him in the first place.
I realize I am overthinking but I really liked him and it's like I had a chance but screwed it up in some way. At this point I would just like to get back to friendly interactions and lose the awkwardness.
What happened here?
It's hard to know what your friend was thinking, but it sounds like, for him, it was not a match. That is *all* the significance that I would give to it. If you keep thinking that it's about *your* shortcomings, it's not going to be good for you.
It seems to me that you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself. Obviously, he thought you were attractive enough and interesting enough to go out on a date.
One way to look at this is if there have been times in your life when you went on a date with someone you thought was attractive and interesting, but for whatever reason the chemistry wasn't there. Does that mean that there was something wrong with the other person? That they were unattractive? Of course not.
Give yourself a break. Don't over think stuff like this. Good luck to you!
posted by Vibrissae at 10:10 PM on November 19, 2014 [11 favorites]
It seems to me that you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself. Obviously, he thought you were attractive enough and interesting enough to go out on a date.
One way to look at this is if there have been times in your life when you went on a date with someone you thought was attractive and interesting, but for whatever reason the chemistry wasn't there. Does that mean that there was something wrong with the other person? That they were unattractive? Of course not.
Give yourself a break. Don't over think stuff like this. Good luck to you!
posted by Vibrissae at 10:10 PM on November 19, 2014 [11 favorites]
I feel like I wasn't even attractive enough for him to have casual sex with me.
Don't distrust your gut. Of course he liked you but people get scared a lot of the time. Obviously he thought there would be more of a physical signal from you or plain chickened out.
You had a tough exchange. Let it lie, but don't own his failure to respond. Its hard for men and that doesn't mean he doesn't like you.
It also means no guarantees. Let the dust settle and the answer will reveal itself. You must approach your answer indirectly with questions like this.
And have sympathy for him if he did chicken out.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:11 PM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
Don't distrust your gut. Of course he liked you but people get scared a lot of the time. Obviously he thought there would be more of a physical signal from you or plain chickened out.
You had a tough exchange. Let it lie, but don't own his failure to respond. Its hard for men and that doesn't mean he doesn't like you.
It also means no guarantees. Let the dust settle and the answer will reveal itself. You must approach your answer indirectly with questions like this.
And have sympathy for him if he did chicken out.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:11 PM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also what nebulawindphone said. Could be you didn't reciprocate in person or he got scared.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:13 PM on November 19, 2014
posted by Ironmouth at 10:13 PM on November 19, 2014
Sorry, there's not enough information to really know what happened aside from him not wanting to date you for whatever reason. Anything from a miscommunication to something entirely outside of your orbit (he got testicular torsion or accidentally found his dad's porn collection) bumped you guys off track. Or he coulda gone chicken and choked. There's no real way for you to know, so just assume it was something unrelated and don't give yourself agita over it.
posted by klangklangston at 10:19 PM on November 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 10:19 PM on November 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
Was that your exact text? You indicate that you intended it to be nice, but I read your annoyance in it (possibly because you wrote you were annoyed right before I read it). This is how I read it in my head: "clearly you're too busy for me. You're easily replaceable with another friend who will do my bidding, have a nice life." That's the problem with texting - the tone attributed to your words is at the discretion of the reader. I'd try talking to him in person and asking him out if you want to pursue it.
posted by cecic at 10:22 PM on November 19, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by cecic at 10:22 PM on November 19, 2014 [18 favorites]
Would it really be the best idea for you to casual sex with a co-worker? Especially if, as your question history suggests, you are looking for a relationship and you're having trouble finding one? It sounds like it would have just led to drama. I think you dodged a bullet.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:25 PM on November 19, 2014 [25 favorites]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:25 PM on November 19, 2014 [25 favorites]
Think of it this way: do you really want to be with someone who runs hot and cold that easily?
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 10:26 PM on November 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 10:26 PM on November 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
Any of a number of things could have happened, many of which have nothing to do with you.
Maybe he met someone else.
Maybe he's not as single as you thought. (It's especially possible that he's been dating around and just decided to get more serious with someone else, or was "on a break"/experimenting with non-monogamy and decided against that. Both of those things have happened to me when I was just starting to get into someone new, and it sucks.)
Maybe he realized that getting involved with someone from work was a bad idea, after all.
Maybe he has other stuff going on that isn't even about dating stuff at all.
Even if he is explicitly rejecting you, it's very possible that there's nothing personal and it isn't really about you per se. Maybe after hanging out he realized an obvious incompatibility that has nothing to do with you (religion, ethnicity, values, politics, life priorities, or, shit, maybe he's disgustingly shallow and won't date women who like that band you raved over or whatever.)
Also, I have to say it, because I've done this before: it's possible that he liked the idea of being into you, flirting with you, etc, and then when it came time to actually get together, he realized he's not actually that into you. It's not that you did anything wrong, it's just that he got in way over his head and led you on about his intentions. Which is shitty, but again not really anything you should feel rejected over.
posted by Sara C. at 10:42 PM on November 19, 2014 [11 favorites]
Maybe he met someone else.
Maybe he's not as single as you thought. (It's especially possible that he's been dating around and just decided to get more serious with someone else, or was "on a break"/experimenting with non-monogamy and decided against that. Both of those things have happened to me when I was just starting to get into someone new, and it sucks.)
Maybe he realized that getting involved with someone from work was a bad idea, after all.
Maybe he has other stuff going on that isn't even about dating stuff at all.
Even if he is explicitly rejecting you, it's very possible that there's nothing personal and it isn't really about you per se. Maybe after hanging out he realized an obvious incompatibility that has nothing to do with you (religion, ethnicity, values, politics, life priorities, or, shit, maybe he's disgustingly shallow and won't date women who like that band you raved over or whatever.)
Also, I have to say it, because I've done this before: it's possible that he liked the idea of being into you, flirting with you, etc, and then when it came time to actually get together, he realized he's not actually that into you. It's not that you did anything wrong, it's just that he got in way over his head and led you on about his intentions. Which is shitty, but again not really anything you should feel rejected over.
posted by Sara C. at 10:42 PM on November 19, 2014 [11 favorites]
Seems blindingly obvious to me: This dude had other irons in the fire.
Generally when people show interest in a friendly/maybe more way and then pull back it's because they have too many choices of suitors/suitees.
This is almost always true IME. Generally the only thing that makes someone go lukewarm on you is another love interest. People don't usually just abruptly really like you and then decide you messed up so they hate you now.
You did nothing wrong, you just came in second in a race you didn't know about. Second is still pretty good. You could get lucky and be first in the wings if she bails on him, or you'll be someone else's #1 soon enough.
posted by quincunx at 10:50 PM on November 19, 2014 [13 favorites]
Generally when people show interest in a friendly/maybe more way and then pull back it's because they have too many choices of suitors/suitees.
This is almost always true IME. Generally the only thing that makes someone go lukewarm on you is another love interest. People don't usually just abruptly really like you and then decide you messed up so they hate you now.
You did nothing wrong, you just came in second in a race you didn't know about. Second is still pretty good. You could get lucky and be first in the wings if she bails on him, or you'll be someone else's #1 soon enough.
posted by quincunx at 10:50 PM on November 19, 2014 [13 favorites]
Holy shit. I did not read all of the answers - but what are some people talking about here??!!
Clearly, he's dating someone else, or just started dating someone else, about the time that you guys first hung out.
It's super obvious. I just... can not understand why anyone is suggesting you were supposed to make a move. How undermining and bullshit.
Look. He had short time for you the day he was supposed to fix that thing because he double booked plans. Had he come over just for an hour, he would have CERTAINLY been lying to whoever he was really spending the day with about where he was going and what he was doing.
He's kinda an asshole for leading you on and and not being clear that he's actively pursuing someone else.
YOU ARE AWESOME.
He's just kinda nebulous and not forthright. I think he just didn't know what to do or say since you work at the same place.
Reframe this immediately. He is not available and whatever happened did not happen.
Forget it. Forget him. Move on.
posted by jbenben at 10:50 PM on November 19, 2014 [24 favorites]
Clearly, he's dating someone else, or just started dating someone else, about the time that you guys first hung out.
It's super obvious. I just... can not understand why anyone is suggesting you were supposed to make a move. How undermining and bullshit.
Look. He had short time for you the day he was supposed to fix that thing because he double booked plans. Had he come over just for an hour, he would have CERTAINLY been lying to whoever he was really spending the day with about where he was going and what he was doing.
He's kinda an asshole for leading you on and and not being clear that he's actively pursuing someone else.
YOU ARE AWESOME.
He's just kinda nebulous and not forthright. I think he just didn't know what to do or say since you work at the same place.
Reframe this immediately. He is not available and whatever happened did not happen.
Forget it. Forget him. Move on.
posted by jbenben at 10:50 PM on November 19, 2014 [24 favorites]
NTHING that you dodged a bullet!!
posted by jbenben at 10:52 PM on November 19, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 10:52 PM on November 19, 2014 [5 favorites]
The thing is, the why doesn't much matter. He's just not that into you. That sucks. Maybe he's dating other women, maybe he's afraid of dating, maybe he's actually totally taken but wanted to play around and then thought otherwise, maybe he was waiting for you to make a move/unambiguous statement of interest, maybe he thought you were cute but on reflection your personalities didn't mesh, maybe he's just an asshole. At the end of the day, it doesn't much matter--this is what you need to tell yourself, and move on. You can't read his mind and neither can we. Ever been out on a date or two with someone thinking you might click but you didn't? That's most likely what happened here. (We'll leave aside taking texts during a date, because for me that's an instant dealbreaker unless it's an emergency.)
In the future, it might be worth considering whether it is a good idea, for you and your personal situation, to be dating/hooking up with coworkers. Some people make it work, some try and it fizzles and everything's fine, some have it explode in their faces. For me, I don't generally do it (two exceptions in almost 20 years), because it just has the potential to go so very sideways. You know you, though.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:14 PM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
In the future, it might be worth considering whether it is a good idea, for you and your personal situation, to be dating/hooking up with coworkers. Some people make it work, some try and it fizzles and everything's fine, some have it explode in their faces. For me, I don't generally do it (two exceptions in almost 20 years), because it just has the potential to go so very sideways. You know you, though.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:14 PM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
Nobody here can tell you his motivations. All we can do is suggest possible ones, which if you're anything like me, will just give you a lot more things to get anxious about.
Sometimes in life, you don't get to find out the answer to the question "Why?". For your own sanity, learn to accept that. Trust me, you'll tie yourself in knots otherwise.
Also, who is texting him isn't really any of your business.
posted by Solomon at 11:19 PM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
Sometimes in life, you don't get to find out the answer to the question "Why?". For your own sanity, learn to accept that. Trust me, you'll tie yourself in knots otherwise.
Also, who is texting him isn't really any of your business.
posted by Solomon at 11:19 PM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Just to clarify, I don't think that casual sex with co-workers or anyone is a good idea nor have I offered/wanted to go that way. He doesn't know that though and he hasn't even tried. Most guys do. I was talking about feeling rejected and not sexually attractive rather than wanting casual sex relationship.
posted by sabina_r at 11:23 PM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by sabina_r at 11:23 PM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's also very true that, despite cultural/media messages to the contrary, men don't think with their dicks all the time. Not all dudes are like "well we really don't get on at all, but SURE I GUESS ILL FUCK HER WHY NOT". It's very possible that when he realized it wasn't going to work out (for any reason or no reason), that was the end of it. It probably speaks better of him, and is a better thing in general, that when he decided to move on, he did not opt to attempt meaningless sex with you. I mean, would you really want to be on the other end of that kind of messed up pity fuck?
posted by Sara C. at 11:31 PM on November 19, 2014 [25 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 11:31 PM on November 19, 2014 [25 favorites]
Response by poster: Sara C, nice context. thanks for the reality check.
I have a sub-question to everyone. In the case that he invites me to do something again - is it a better idea to steer clear or should I attempt to be friends? Obviously, he is not that into me dating wise.
posted by sabina_r at 11:38 PM on November 19, 2014
I have a sub-question to everyone. In the case that he invites me to do something again - is it a better idea to steer clear or should I attempt to be friends? Obviously, he is not that into me dating wise.
posted by sabina_r at 11:38 PM on November 19, 2014
One person rejecting you doesn't make you unattractive. It just means that you're not attractive to that one particular person. Ask yourself why it bothers you so much that this person wasn't interested. There will be other guys who are interested in you and who you are interested in. There will also be guys who are interested in you who you aren't interested in, and vice versa. That's part of life.
If you're tying your perception of your attractiveness to what other people tell you, then you're going to be in for a rough ride. You're as attractive as you are whether or not other people even see you. If you sat in a dark room for the rest of your life so nobody could ever see you, you would still be just as attractive as you are now. It's a morale boost to have someone find you attractive, for sure, but someone not finding you attractive is more about that other person than it is about you.
Think about someone whose advances you've rejected. Should your rejecting them affect their self worth? Did it make them unattractive? Or was it more about you and what was going on in your head, rather than them?
posted by Solomon at 11:39 PM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you're tying your perception of your attractiveness to what other people tell you, then you're going to be in for a rough ride. You're as attractive as you are whether or not other people even see you. If you sat in a dark room for the rest of your life so nobody could ever see you, you would still be just as attractive as you are now. It's a morale boost to have someone find you attractive, for sure, but someone not finding you attractive is more about that other person than it is about you.
Think about someone whose advances you've rejected. Should your rejecting them affect their self worth? Did it make them unattractive? Or was it more about you and what was going on in your head, rather than them?
posted by Solomon at 11:39 PM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
YES. DO NOT ACCEPT FUTURE DATES SINCE HE IS NOT HONEST ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS AND WHO HE IS PURSUING.
Obviously.
My gut tells me he did not make a move on you that one time because he was already dating someone, but keeping his options open... He probably decided not to sleep with you that night because he realized you were really into him and he would not be able to back off from you gracefully afterwards.
He was already dating someone else, it just was not "serious" yet.
He's not awful, but he's not a "catch" either.
You're entirely desirable, you just need to find an attraction that is only about YOU.
This guy is not The One.
It is no more complicated or simple than that. He's not what you thought, he's just close to it.
Be open to finding that person that you truly "click" with.
This was an "almost." These happen a lot. Until it works out!
Stop selling yourself short and start getting picky! You deserve an awesome romance. Get that!
posted by jbenben at 11:54 PM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
Obviously.
My gut tells me he did not make a move on you that one time because he was already dating someone, but keeping his options open... He probably decided not to sleep with you that night because he realized you were really into him and he would not be able to back off from you gracefully afterwards.
He was already dating someone else, it just was not "serious" yet.
He's not awful, but he's not a "catch" either.
You're entirely desirable, you just need to find an attraction that is only about YOU.
This guy is not The One.
It is no more complicated or simple than that. He's not what you thought, he's just close to it.
Be open to finding that person that you truly "click" with.
This was an "almost." These happen a lot. Until it works out!
Stop selling yourself short and start getting picky! You deserve an awesome romance. Get that!
posted by jbenben at 11:54 PM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
Try not to use sex as something that 'proves you are attractive' or 'proves your worth'. For a kick off where are you in that? Your pleasure? Reciprocity? Sense of self as a fully engaged sexual person? There are a lot of blokes out there who'd shag a woman dressed in a bin bag. Sex is worth more than that even when done purely for fun. Try not to 'use it' like that. Your 20's are the time to figure this stuff out... and where the lines are, thats fine, just be careful with yourself. I can pretty much guarantee had you had sex you'd feel worse now.
I don't know about this guy (or maybe any guy..) but I recently had this experience...
I was walking down the street feeling like hell/hating the world when an attractive stranger struck up a conversation. I had avoided anything like this for 3 YEARS!!! We had a very mild fling while he was in town. He said he'd call and never did. Thankfully I could see we weren't an emotional match in heaven so was able not to think about it as much as I have so often.. ie frantically searching for the supposed deficits in me (and I'm not assuming I'm without deficits btw!) that pushed him away.
Instead I thought about all the things that did and had to line up for it to have happened at all.. like.. him having the balls to do that, him having a manner that was appealing to me. Me not having just been hit on by a sleaze. Me being open to him at that exact time. I dunno.. it just made me think that so much is beyond our control in terms of lining up the planets or whatever.
posted by tanktop at 4:28 AM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't know about this guy (or maybe any guy..) but I recently had this experience...
I was walking down the street feeling like hell/hating the world when an attractive stranger struck up a conversation. I had avoided anything like this for 3 YEARS!!! We had a very mild fling while he was in town. He said he'd call and never did. Thankfully I could see we weren't an emotional match in heaven so was able not to think about it as much as I have so often.. ie frantically searching for the supposed deficits in me (and I'm not assuming I'm without deficits btw!) that pushed him away.
Instead I thought about all the things that did and had to line up for it to have happened at all.. like.. him having the balls to do that, him having a manner that was appealing to me. Me not having just been hit on by a sleaze. Me being open to him at that exact time. I dunno.. it just made me think that so much is beyond our control in terms of lining up the planets or whatever.
posted by tanktop at 4:28 AM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh jeez. This guy isn't forthright enough for you to risk weirdness at the office to explore a relationship with. Neither are you for that matter.
If what you want is dating with the expectation of it leading to a relationship, then own it. Say it when you start dating new people. You will weed out a LOT of trifling dudes by being up front. You will also save yourself some serious heartbreak.
If he asks you out again, ask him, "Hey, are you into me as a friend, or do you want to date me, because if you want to date me you need to know that I'm interested in getting to know someone who wants to be with me long-term. I don't do casual." Because that's the truth for you, isn't it?
A guy who is on the same wavelength will be okay with this. A guy who doesn't even know what he wants himself will leave skid marks to get away from you. And won't that save you time and aggrivation?
Stop auditioning for the role of girlfriend with men. Start selecting your future mate. You can't know when you first date someone if he's going to be right for you, but if he can't even tell you that he's interested in a LTR with the right woman...well he's not your prospect now, is he?
Lots of men want to be in close loving relationships, they date women to see if there's a connection and WANT things to work out. Lots of men aren't interested in relationships, and to protect yourself, you need to figure out who these guys are and avoid them, because you ARE interested in a relationship.
And for the record, there is no magic formula for attracting and ensnaring a man into a relationship. You can't turn a ho into a househusband if you catch my drift. If a guy isn't ready to settle down, there's no ritual or spell you can do to make him ready.
Stop settling and start activly looking for what you want in a relationship. Get on Match or OKC and be 100% honest about your intentions. You won't get flooded with offers, and that's okay, you only need one right one.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:38 AM on November 20, 2014 [11 favorites]
If what you want is dating with the expectation of it leading to a relationship, then own it. Say it when you start dating new people. You will weed out a LOT of trifling dudes by being up front. You will also save yourself some serious heartbreak.
If he asks you out again, ask him, "Hey, are you into me as a friend, or do you want to date me, because if you want to date me you need to know that I'm interested in getting to know someone who wants to be with me long-term. I don't do casual." Because that's the truth for you, isn't it?
A guy who is on the same wavelength will be okay with this. A guy who doesn't even know what he wants himself will leave skid marks to get away from you. And won't that save you time and aggrivation?
Stop auditioning for the role of girlfriend with men. Start selecting your future mate. You can't know when you first date someone if he's going to be right for you, but if he can't even tell you that he's interested in a LTR with the right woman...well he's not your prospect now, is he?
Lots of men want to be in close loving relationships, they date women to see if there's a connection and WANT things to work out. Lots of men aren't interested in relationships, and to protect yourself, you need to figure out who these guys are and avoid them, because you ARE interested in a relationship.
And for the record, there is no magic formula for attracting and ensnaring a man into a relationship. You can't turn a ho into a househusband if you catch my drift. If a guy isn't ready to settle down, there's no ritual or spell you can do to make him ready.
Stop settling and start activly looking for what you want in a relationship. Get on Match or OKC and be 100% honest about your intentions. You won't get flooded with offers, and that's okay, you only need one right one.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:38 AM on November 20, 2014 [11 favorites]
Too many women, especially when young, make the mistake on overly-focusing on a guy's reaction to them and their attractiveness without even considering their own feelings about the guy. Please don't say "he didn't even want to have casual sex with me" as if that says something about your worth or attractiveness. It doesn't! And it's also insulting to yourself. Different guys have all kinds of different reason for having or not having sex with different women; but also, how do you feel about this guy? You stated you did not want to have casual sex with him. That's what matters! What you want.
Believe me, I understand where you are coming from. But as women we need to stop ourselves from determining our attractiveness or self-worth by guys reactions to us. It's really self-destructive.
posted by bearette at 7:09 AM on November 20, 2014 [19 favorites]
Believe me, I understand where you are coming from. But as women we need to stop ourselves from determining our attractiveness or self-worth by guys reactions to us. It's really self-destructive.
posted by bearette at 7:09 AM on November 20, 2014 [19 favorites]
I have a sub-question to everyone. In the case that he invites me to do something again - is it a better idea to steer clear or should I attempt to be friends?
That depends. Do you want to be friends? I mean really and truly, not let's-be-friends-now-and-maybe-he'll-come-around. (Not a judgement on you; we've all been there.) If you want to be friends, then do. If you don't, then say "thanks for the invite but I can't make it, sorry."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:06 AM on November 20, 2014
That depends. Do you want to be friends? I mean really and truly, not let's-be-friends-now-and-maybe-he'll-come-around. (Not a judgement on you; we've all been there.) If you want to be friends, then do. If you don't, then say "thanks for the invite but I can't make it, sorry."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:06 AM on November 20, 2014
I definitely get the obsession over something like this fizzling out abruptly - totally been there myself! - and blaming yourself for something you said/did/didn't say/didn't do, etc...but don't take it personally! It sounds like he was dating other people and didn't have as much riding on the potential of this interaction as you did (since you said he was the first person that you had been attracted to in awhile) or maybe the co-worker thing dissuaded him...whatever it was, it seems like you are both just have different things going on in the dating department now and this isn't meant to be regardless of your texts or lack of move-making or whatever else you are obsessing about.
Also, it seems like you are focused more on the physical aspects of things (just going by your title which references casual sex), which may have clouded your interpretation of his feelings towards you. Look, I know as women sometimes we assume that men would be down for a no-strings attached thing at the very least, and when they aren't, we might wonder what's wrong with us. Please think about how wrong that line of thinking is, and how far it might stray you from pursuing a meaningful relationship with someone who IS worth your time.
posted by Shadow Boxer at 11:31 AM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, it seems like you are focused more on the physical aspects of things (just going by your title which references casual sex), which may have clouded your interpretation of his feelings towards you. Look, I know as women sometimes we assume that men would be down for a no-strings attached thing at the very least, and when they aren't, we might wonder what's wrong with us. Please think about how wrong that line of thinking is, and how far it might stray you from pursuing a meaningful relationship with someone who IS worth your time.
posted by Shadow Boxer at 11:31 AM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
He doesn't know that though and he hasn't even tried. Most guys do. I was talking about feeling rejected and not sexually attractive
This is a very interesting and important thing for you to realize about the way you are wired. It's natural to feel a little bit of "hmm, was it something i did?" when someone doesn't want to keep dating. But the details here are specific to you. Someone else might've wondered "was I not fun and funny enough?" if that's where they were insecure. Or "hmm, dude seems flaky; I don't want to date him if he's a flake." You went to "was I not sexually attractive enough for even casual sex?" It might be interesting to think about how that desire to prove you're sexually attractive to yourself plays out in the rest of your life.
posted by salvia at 10:53 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
This is a very interesting and important thing for you to realize about the way you are wired. It's natural to feel a little bit of "hmm, was it something i did?" when someone doesn't want to keep dating. But the details here are specific to you. Someone else might've wondered "was I not fun and funny enough?" if that's where they were insecure. Or "hmm, dude seems flaky; I don't want to date him if he's a flake." You went to "was I not sexually attractive enough for even casual sex?" It might be interesting to think about how that desire to prove you're sexually attractive to yourself plays out in the rest of your life.
posted by salvia at 10:53 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Also, wise advice from the old Shit My Dad Says twitter account: Let him figure out why he doesn't want to have sex with you, don't bother doing it for him.
Just go move along on your merry way. Lots of people get attracted to ppl who are not right for them. His flakiness shows you all you need to know.
posted by discopolo at 3:43 AM on November 21, 2014
Just go move along on your merry way. Lots of people get attracted to ppl who are not right for them. His flakiness shows you all you need to know.
posted by discopolo at 3:43 AM on November 21, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:08 PM on November 19, 2014 [6 favorites]