How can we ensure our families feel involved in the birth of our baby?
November 19, 2014 7:44 AM Subscribe
We've been concentrating so much on the actual physical labor part of the birth that we are now (3 weeks out!) realizing that we want to give some consideration to the emotional part, and come up with ideas to make our families feel loved and included.
My family lives several hours away, and most likely won't be here for the actual birth. My husband's family is more local, but we are planning on asking them to wait until at least the day after the birth before visiting. We love both our families very much and don't want to "withhold" anything from them, but we'd prefer that most of the time actually at the hospital is private, new-family bonding time. Also, I'm not sure how I'll feel after giving birth, and it makes me feel much less anxious to think that I will have as much time as I need to recover, look terrible, etc. before relatives start coming in with their cameras.
Because of this, we've been trying to think of ways to proactively include both families and create special memories around the event. For example, we may ask my sister-in-law to bake a birthday cake, since she loves baking. We are doing a betting pool with prop bets (like will he have hair, first letter of his name, other suggestions welcome!), since my husband's family especially loves to gamble. I wish I knew a quilter - I treasure a quilt that was made for me by a family friend when I was born, with my name and weight embroidered on it. I also still have a teddy bear that was given to me by my aunt when I was born; I'm planning on sending her a photo of the baby and the bear and letting her know her much loved gift lives on!
Is there anything special you asked your family members (or friends) to participate in to commemorate the birth of your child? Have you been touched by a gesture that invited you to share in someone else's new baby's entry to the world? Do you have a treasured memory/item from your childhood related to your birth?
My family lives several hours away, and most likely won't be here for the actual birth. My husband's family is more local, but we are planning on asking them to wait until at least the day after the birth before visiting. We love both our families very much and don't want to "withhold" anything from them, but we'd prefer that most of the time actually at the hospital is private, new-family bonding time. Also, I'm not sure how I'll feel after giving birth, and it makes me feel much less anxious to think that I will have as much time as I need to recover, look terrible, etc. before relatives start coming in with their cameras.
Because of this, we've been trying to think of ways to proactively include both families and create special memories around the event. For example, we may ask my sister-in-law to bake a birthday cake, since she loves baking. We are doing a betting pool with prop bets (like will he have hair, first letter of his name, other suggestions welcome!), since my husband's family especially loves to gamble. I wish I knew a quilter - I treasure a quilt that was made for me by a family friend when I was born, with my name and weight embroidered on it. I also still have a teddy bear that was given to me by my aunt when I was born; I'm planning on sending her a photo of the baby and the bear and letting her know her much loved gift lives on!
Is there anything special you asked your family members (or friends) to participate in to commemorate the birth of your child? Have you been touched by a gesture that invited you to share in someone else's new baby's entry to the world? Do you have a treasured memory/item from your childhood related to your birth?
Everyone is different. I loved having visitors in the hospital - I was high on endorphins, wanted to share the baby with everyone, and bored out of my mind when I was alone. With our second, I broke out of the hospital early, even, I felt so good and was so bored. So you never know.
I didn't ask my family to do anything in particular. The things that are special were very organic. If your family needs more direction than that, though, go for it. Maybe a guest book/scrap book for people to write in the first time they visit?
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:57 AM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
I didn't ask my family to do anything in particular. The things that are special were very organic. If your family needs more direction than that, though, go for it. Maybe a guest book/scrap book for people to write in the first time they visit?
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:57 AM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
Good idea not having anybody in the hospital. It can be a very sweet time, but it can also be extremely painful and difficult, depending on how the birth was. I was so swollen for 24 hours after my son was born that I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror! I had a 2-day labor and a 2-day hospital stay. I didn't sleep during labor, and I slept about 30 minutes each night in the hospital (I'm not joking) and I was OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND with exhaustion by the time I was discharged. Staying in the hospital to "recover" was a total joke; it was uncomfortable, exhausting, painful and humiliating and I got no rest. I know plenty of people who had MUCH nicer experiences, but I think you're wise not to plan to be charming the day after giving birth.
Honestly, the sweetest moments were when each of the grandparents held their first grandchild for the first time. We have some amazing photos of their expressions as they peered down at our sleeping new son. I think that greeting each grandparent as "Grandma"/"Grandpa" or whatever they'll be called, and then passing them the baby and taking a special picture is all you need.
If you really want to do something else, let each person give the baby a "first experience" - play the baby a first song, read a first book, help with first bath, stuff like that. These things can be very poignant.
Tip: If you plan on sending any kind of email after the birth, be it birth announcements or pictures, WRITE THE EMAIL AHEAD OF TIME leaving key spots blank, and save the emails as drafts. That way you won't forget which ones you meant to send, and you won't actually have to write them. It can be astonishingly difficult to find time for this stuff! If you plan on sending photos, figure out ahead of time how you're going to get them off whatever device and make that easy for yourself. I think I waited 2 months to get pictures off my nice camera because I couldn't find the cord, and I didn't have any spare energy to go looking for it.
posted by Cygnet at 8:02 AM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
Honestly, the sweetest moments were when each of the grandparents held their first grandchild for the first time. We have some amazing photos of their expressions as they peered down at our sleeping new son. I think that greeting each grandparent as "Grandma"/"Grandpa" or whatever they'll be called, and then passing them the baby and taking a special picture is all you need.
If you really want to do something else, let each person give the baby a "first experience" - play the baby a first song, read a first book, help with first bath, stuff like that. These things can be very poignant.
Tip: If you plan on sending any kind of email after the birth, be it birth announcements or pictures, WRITE THE EMAIL AHEAD OF TIME leaving key spots blank, and save the emails as drafts. That way you won't forget which ones you meant to send, and you won't actually have to write them. It can be astonishingly difficult to find time for this stuff! If you plan on sending photos, figure out ahead of time how you're going to get them off whatever device and make that easy for yourself. I think I waited 2 months to get pictures off my nice camera because I couldn't find the cord, and I didn't have any spare energy to go looking for it.
posted by Cygnet at 8:02 AM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you have to spend more than a day at the hospital, I would ask them to bring something nutritious and delicious for you. I wouldn't have expected this, but my sister in law brought me a homemade fruit smoothie with kale and a little box of Horizon organic milk to drink in the hospital, and it turned into one of my favorite memories from after the birth, because hospital food is so terrible and not healthy, and drinking those drinks made me feel so happy. I didn't have any problems with my family visiting me in the hospital, but I have a small family, and your mileage may vary. Mine came about 12 hours after my daughter was born, after I had plenty of time to shower and take a nap (and only stayed about 15-20 mins). And I agree, it was boring in there.
In terms of keepsakes, both myself and my daughter have cross-stitches with our names, dates of birth, birth weights and lengths on them with some cute decoration. A little easier than quilting if you know anyone who's mildly crafty. While you are in the hospital, they also may try to sell you things, like a newborn photo session or little imprints of the baby's feet. These seem like things that could easily be done by a trusted family member if it were the right person and you had it set up in advance.
To be honest I think the biggest thing I would ask for is help. More than arts and crafts, you are going to want and need help, and if your families are as great as you say, they will really want to help and will appreciate your guidance in the best way to show their support. Have them do your laundry, make or bring meals, do your dishes, buy your groceries (or whatever last minute stuff you realize you need for baby). Honestly, providing this kind of help will make them feel as good as it makes you feel - and like they are truly involved in the process of helping baby on their way into the world.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:05 AM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
In terms of keepsakes, both myself and my daughter have cross-stitches with our names, dates of birth, birth weights and lengths on them with some cute decoration. A little easier than quilting if you know anyone who's mildly crafty. While you are in the hospital, they also may try to sell you things, like a newborn photo session or little imprints of the baby's feet. These seem like things that could easily be done by a trusted family member if it were the right person and you had it set up in advance.
To be honest I think the biggest thing I would ask for is help. More than arts and crafts, you are going to want and need help, and if your families are as great as you say, they will really want to help and will appreciate your guidance in the best way to show their support. Have them do your laundry, make or bring meals, do your dishes, buy your groceries (or whatever last minute stuff you realize you need for baby). Honestly, providing this kind of help will make them feel as good as it makes you feel - and like they are truly involved in the process of helping baby on their way into the world.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:05 AM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't ask anyone to bake a cake or make a quilt or anything like that. I love to cook (like, I really love it), but when someone asks me to make a particular thing for a particular occasion, it's an assignment, not a gift.
My son was a premie, arriving before the shower the family had planned. That part was great for me -- I hate being the center of attention! We had a "welcoming party" when he was about 6 weeks old. We asked everyone attending to bring a little something to go into a box to be opened on the kid's 18th birthday. That birthday is coming up this February. Wow.
posted by houseofdanie at 8:05 AM on November 19, 2014 [12 favorites]
My son was a premie, arriving before the shower the family had planned. That part was great for me -- I hate being the center of attention! We had a "welcoming party" when he was about 6 weeks old. We asked everyone attending to bring a little something to go into a box to be opened on the kid's 18th birthday. That birthday is coming up this February. Wow.
posted by houseofdanie at 8:05 AM on November 19, 2014 [12 favorites]
If you ask the little one's grandparents about their own parenting experiences, they will be made up. Ask them whether you or your husband fed every two hours like this as a baby, or when you first slept through the night, or what the grandparents are really glad they did, or what they wish they could do over, or where they went with their babies to get out of the house. Ask them whether they were scared silly of breaking the baby, or what was the best bit or the worst bit.
Then ask them to change your little one's nappy or give him/her a bath....
YMMV with all of this obviously, depending on the family members in question and how your relationship with them is. Maybe don't let them tell you labour stories until yours is done with.
posted by emilyw at 8:10 AM on November 19, 2014
Then ask them to change your little one's nappy or give him/her a bath....
YMMV with all of this obviously, depending on the family members in question and how your relationship with them is. Maybe don't let them tell you labour stories until yours is done with.
posted by emilyw at 8:10 AM on November 19, 2014
Your job is to keep yourself healthy and rested. Your husband's job is to help you be healthy and rested, and send the family a text or two with updates. He can text a photo to family after birth.
Otherwise, it's really not your job to take care of other people right now. They should be asking how to take care of you.
Just proactively establish boundaries by telling them your expectations: we do not want hospital visitors, for example, or we will be open to visitors a week after birth. That kind of thing.
Really please don't be concerned about the emotional needs of relatives -- I suspect any problems will melt away when they hold their new grandchild, niece, etc
Good luck!
posted by bluedaisy at 8:13 AM on November 19, 2014 [8 favorites]
Otherwise, it's really not your job to take care of other people right now. They should be asking how to take care of you.
Just proactively establish boundaries by telling them your expectations: we do not want hospital visitors, for example, or we will be open to visitors a week after birth. That kind of thing.
Really please don't be concerned about the emotional needs of relatives -- I suspect any problems will melt away when they hold their new grandchild, niece, etc
Good luck!
posted by bluedaisy at 8:13 AM on November 19, 2014 [8 favorites]
Best answer: With our second, I wanted to show her off as soon as possible and was excited for close family to get to come and adore her, though visits were fairly short. It was also nice to have my mom there some so my husband could spend time with our son at home and get some rest. She was a (relatively) planned c-section so while I was very immobile immediately after (and so needed back up the first day or two), I wasn't as exhausted as I imagine a long natural labor would leave you.
But I think the best way to have them feel involved is to send pictures, soon and often. If you have a camera phone this can be super easy, just set up a group text before hand and get hubby to take a few pics of the baby a couple of times during the first day (you don't have to be in them!). Since it's via text message very minimal text is the norm, stats when she comes, and maybe a "look at those fingers!" or "sweet baby sleeping" with the second round. I suspect they will all be dying for pics and this can be a good, quick, easy way for them to feel involved.
With my first (6 weeks early and in the NICU, so limited access) this was mostly how we shared his birth with the family. Almost everyone had to wait two weeks to see him, so lots of photos and updates.
We also asked for help with things that we either really needed (driving me to the hospital to feed the baby after I was discharged so husband could sleep a little) or things that we thought would help them deal with their anxiety about the baby without causing us more difficulty. This was mainly my mother-in-law who's a fairly anxious person who doesn't do well with CALM. So her being in the NICU was difficult for us and hard for her. But asking her to find pretty bins to put all the baby clothes in made her feel useful, played to her strengths (shopping!) and kept her from adding to our stress without hurting her feelings.
Not saying it should be your job to manage the emotional needs of others, I completely agree with bluedaisy that you shouldn't have to worry about that. BUT for us thinking a little about the intersection between what would be good for us AND what would be good for her made it all much easier for everyone. And since you have a few weeks to plan, if you have anyone in particular that you think might struggle with the transition, you can always jot down a few ideas (write them down in your phone or something you'll have with you) of what might be good for them to do to help that will genuinely help you (or at least sound plausible and keep them out of your hair ;).
< tl;dr Send pictures of the baby from your phone. Don't worry about the rest unless distracting someone with a simple "help request" will keep them out of your hair and so will make your life easier.
posted by pennypiper at 8:40 AM on November 19, 2014
But I think the best way to have them feel involved is to send pictures, soon and often. If you have a camera phone this can be super easy, just set up a group text before hand and get hubby to take a few pics of the baby a couple of times during the first day (you don't have to be in them!). Since it's via text message very minimal text is the norm, stats when she comes, and maybe a "look at those fingers!" or "sweet baby sleeping" with the second round. I suspect they will all be dying for pics and this can be a good, quick, easy way for them to feel involved.
With my first (6 weeks early and in the NICU, so limited access) this was mostly how we shared his birth with the family. Almost everyone had to wait two weeks to see him, so lots of photos and updates.
We also asked for help with things that we either really needed (driving me to the hospital to feed the baby after I was discharged so husband could sleep a little) or things that we thought would help them deal with their anxiety about the baby without causing us more difficulty. This was mainly my mother-in-law who's a fairly anxious person who doesn't do well with CALM. So her being in the NICU was difficult for us and hard for her. But asking her to find pretty bins to put all the baby clothes in made her feel useful, played to her strengths (shopping!) and kept her from adding to our stress without hurting her feelings.
Not saying it should be your job to manage the emotional needs of others, I completely agree with bluedaisy that you shouldn't have to worry about that. BUT for us thinking a little about the intersection between what would be good for us AND what would be good for her made it all much easier for everyone. And since you have a few weeks to plan, if you have anyone in particular that you think might struggle with the transition, you can always jot down a few ideas (write them down in your phone or something you'll have with you) of what might be good for them to do to help that will genuinely help you (or at least sound plausible and keep them out of your hair ;).
< tl;dr Send pictures of the baby from your phone. Don't worry about the rest unless distracting someone with a simple "help request" will keep them out of your hair and so will make your life easier.
posted by pennypiper at 8:40 AM on November 19, 2014
I think Cygnet's idea of everyone having a "first" with the baby (first song, first book) is adorable and very special.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:41 AM on November 19, 2014
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:41 AM on November 19, 2014
Best answer: this is a real hippie thing to do but one of my friends distributed candles to close friends and we all lit them when we knew she was in labor... it was a small touch but if anyone in your circle is "that kind of person" it could be nice. I'm also giving birth soon and while I probably won't do that, I have a few email trees set up so that I can email/text 2-3 people and they can take it from there. I don't want to deal with a massive number of texts, emails or calls but would like people to know when we go in.
posted by bluedeans at 8:56 AM on November 19, 2014
posted by bluedeans at 8:56 AM on November 19, 2014
Yes, share pictures.
YMMV on everything, but I liked having visitors in the hospital after the birth much more than having visitors at our house after we went home. We didn't have a plan beforehand, but the day after the birth we invited everyone to stop by and see us, and lots of people did, and it was great. Their visits were sweet and short, and they took their cues to leave and left without a fuss. There was no expectation that I would look anything more than exhausted or dressed in anything else but a hospital gown & disposable underwear. There was no expectation that they could put their feet up, turn on the TV, and stay awhile, or that I would fetch them drinks or provide snacks. I didn't have to be concerned about the state of the house. And so on.
But I was still running high on adrenaline and hormones, I wasn't yet sleep deprived (as I was a week later at home), I was feeling good post c-section, and my baby was healthy and happy. Also, my hospital was wonderful for postpartum care, the food was actually good, and I enjoyed my stay. So, again, YMMV!
posted by aabbbiee at 10:39 AM on November 19, 2014
YMMV on everything, but I liked having visitors in the hospital after the birth much more than having visitors at our house after we went home. We didn't have a plan beforehand, but the day after the birth we invited everyone to stop by and see us, and lots of people did, and it was great. Their visits were sweet and short, and they took their cues to leave and left without a fuss. There was no expectation that I would look anything more than exhausted or dressed in anything else but a hospital gown & disposable underwear. There was no expectation that they could put their feet up, turn on the TV, and stay awhile, or that I would fetch them drinks or provide snacks. I didn't have to be concerned about the state of the house. And so on.
But I was still running high on adrenaline and hormones, I wasn't yet sleep deprived (as I was a week later at home), I was feeling good post c-section, and my baby was healthy and happy. Also, my hospital was wonderful for postpartum care, the food was actually good, and I enjoyed my stay. So, again, YMMV!
posted by aabbbiee at 10:39 AM on November 19, 2014
Response by poster: Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. It seems like the main thing is just to send pictures/be sure to capture first meeting with relatives on camera. I am interested in hearing about more ideas like what bluedeans mentioned - definitely a bit too hippie for my circle but it's on the right track!
posted by coupdefoudre at 10:47 AM on November 19, 2014
posted by coupdefoudre at 10:47 AM on November 19, 2014
I'm giving birth soon, and we're also interested in keeping our time private. We will only tell my parents when I go into labor because they have a long way to travel and have agreed not to alert me when they are in town, but wait until I call them. However, I think it's a great idea to give family a task. One idea is to put together a mini-scrapbook to commemorate the day/week in which the child will be born. So, bigger stuff like newspaper clippings of current events, documenting popular movies/songs/shows, as well as little things like funny stories that happened to them that week, and brief updates about what's happening with other people in the family.
I think it would be really sweet to have a little snapshot of what was happening as the child was arriving in the world.
posted by ohisee at 11:04 AM on November 19, 2014
I think it would be really sweet to have a little snapshot of what was happening as the child was arriving in the world.
posted by ohisee at 11:04 AM on November 19, 2014
With both kids, we maintained a 48-hour post birth window where it was just my wife and I and the kid(s). I texted everyone in the family when my wife went into labour and texted them again when the baby was born (or really about half an hour after, as taking care of mom and meeting the baby myself was higher priority).
We took a picture of me (dad) holding the baby and emailed it to everyone that day.
That was enough.
posted by 256 at 11:45 AM on November 19, 2014
We took a picture of me (dad) holding the baby and emailed it to everyone that day.
That was enough.
posted by 256 at 11:45 AM on November 19, 2014
As an Aunt, I would ask you to try to let your family have their own relationship directly with your child, not a relationship that goes through you. I'm not entirely sure how to explain this, but my sister inlaw tried to control all the things, and it made my family feel untrusted and unwelcomed. Share your joy. Try to be generous with letting other people bond with him too.
If your family is like mine, and prides itself on being polite, and giving great gifts, then what you're planning would seem quite rude (we are totally guess culture). I was once pre-emptively told by a friend that no one would be welcome at the hospital the first day, and was quite offended, because I wouldn't dream of visiting someone at hospital without checking that it was OK first. Do you really think the family is going to come and visit without an invite? If so, then yes, tell them to ask first, and warn them that you may not be up for it. But most people would check it was ok before visiting, and who knows how you'll feel afterwards.
Also, don't assign people gifts. Let them give what they want. Your child (not you) gets to chose which, if any, of the presents they receive at birth they like and treasure. If people ask how they can help, then feel free to make suggestions that will help you.
posted by kjs4 at 4:29 PM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
If your family is like mine, and prides itself on being polite, and giving great gifts, then what you're planning would seem quite rude (we are totally guess culture). I was once pre-emptively told by a friend that no one would be welcome at the hospital the first day, and was quite offended, because I wouldn't dream of visiting someone at hospital without checking that it was OK first. Do you really think the family is going to come and visit without an invite? If so, then yes, tell them to ask first, and warn them that you may not be up for it. But most people would check it was ok before visiting, and who knows how you'll feel afterwards.
Also, don't assign people gifts. Let them give what they want. Your child (not you) gets to chose which, if any, of the presents they receive at birth they like and treasure. If people ask how they can help, then feel free to make suggestions that will help you.
posted by kjs4 at 4:29 PM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
And yes, if you don't want anyone to visit, then photos and updates make people feel involved. Particularly if they are sent to the individuals, not just posted on facebook.
posted by kjs4 at 4:30 PM on November 19, 2014
posted by kjs4 at 4:30 PM on November 19, 2014
Honestly? The best thing is to let them come to the hospital and peek at the baby after she is born. That's what people really want! It really is not a huge deal provided they are normal, boundary observing folks. You just call them when you have come back to earth a little a few hours after the baby is born, and they pop by for 30 mins. Everyone can come together. If need be your husband kicks them out.
posted by yarly at 5:29 PM on November 20, 2014
posted by yarly at 5:29 PM on November 20, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
We had the first grandkid on both sides, and one thing we learned: keep family out of the hospital. Have them visit after you're home. Anyone not on a meth/caffeine/coke bender has the energy to "host" people in the hospital room after giving birth. (Thankfully, no boundary issues, just a first time parent learning experience: worn out from birth, zero sleep in hospital with a baby, and nurses coming in every 2 hrs to check BP/pulse etc, then a full day of folks coming/going from hospital == more exhausted than you can imagine)
posted by k5.user at 7:52 AM on November 19, 2014