Days gone Bye!
November 10, 2014 8:32 AM Subscribe
An impoverished friend that I haven’t seen in 5 years contacted me about lack of closure. There were a lot of bad things that happened then, that are not necessarily morally bad... I’m just not sure how to feel about it all or respond in kind?
Thank you in advance, I am really struggling with how to approach this.
I received a message from Miss X about not understanding what happened with our friendship, asking if I forgot about her and asking how I am. I really have no Idea about how to reply to her...
About 9 or 10 years ago I was introduced to Miss X through a friend’s girlfriend Miss Y. We would all hang out together, and even after my friend and Miss Y split up I would keep company with Miss X any Y. I was about 19yo and I recall having my eyes open to certain aspects of life...
Throughout this time I was introduced to aspects of gang life, poverty and drugs (Which I would continue to do for several years). Miss X and her family were unemployed and living in one of the poorest estates in the country. If we spent time in her house, which we usually did because she was so poor and liked a large audience. I would often be uncomfortable with the atmosphere/hygiene. There was literally no wallpaper or furniture. The house smelled really badly of animals and urine, filled with unwashed dishes and broken appliances/things. Usually many of her friends from the area would party there many nights in the week and there were lots of fleas over the furniture. There was always someone coming to the door covered in blood after having been in a fight. There was always an issue about selling, getting, or hiding drugs. There was always the threat of her being put out of her house by different gangs that ran the area. There were family feuds, and patrolling police for different issues from theft in local shops or fights in the street.
The thing is we were all great friends; she was a very good person underneath the poverty, a natural street wise leader figure who genuinely cared for us and we had many great times together.
However after a few years, inter-friend rivalry reared its head. There was a lot of passive aggressive behaviour from Miss X became an issue. If I spent time with Miss Y or another mutual friend without her being included she would say we were plotting or bad mouthing her and huff with us.
I found a job and was working full time so she would always say I didn’t like her anymore because I declined some invites even though I was forcing myself to go as often as I could.
She would dismiss my concerns that I felt used because I was the only one who could afford to drive, and was constantly asked to taxi people I didn’t know to collect drugs and other dubious things.
I didn’t really want to take all the hardcore drugs anymore, they were making me tired for work and I was getting into trouble. Plus, I always felt pressured to buy more weed when I only occasionally enjoyed it. I had stopped doing the more hardcore drugs because I didn’t like them but i would always be pressured to try for the collective experience.
I kind of did a slow fade as did Miss Y over 5 years ago. I used my work and health life as a kind of excuse, but just kept ignoring her in the end.
In that time I Have been getting my health on track, I have lost over 10 stone in weight, had a kidney transplant , done a lot of self growth work, held down to my job, began having romantic relationships and feel like a much better person.
Recently Miss Y regained contact with Miss X after a mutual friend died and Miss X needed money.
Part of me thinks she has changed like I have, I feel guilty for just disappearing out of her life, but then I couldn’t find a way to say “you are unclean and a junkie and I’m scared allot of the time we hang out, I feel controlled etc etc”... I know through Miss Y that she was recently put out of her home by a gang because her bf was accused of stealing from something to do with the gang, so things seem not to have changed too much.
How can I reply to her, what if she keeps asking what happened? I know underneath her life and habits she is a good person who simply hasn’t had much opportunity, but I feel like a totally different person now and don’t feel like I could go back to that.
Thank you in advance, I am really struggling with how to approach this.
I received a message from Miss X about not understanding what happened with our friendship, asking if I forgot about her and asking how I am. I really have no Idea about how to reply to her...
About 9 or 10 years ago I was introduced to Miss X through a friend’s girlfriend Miss Y. We would all hang out together, and even after my friend and Miss Y split up I would keep company with Miss X any Y. I was about 19yo and I recall having my eyes open to certain aspects of life...
Throughout this time I was introduced to aspects of gang life, poverty and drugs (Which I would continue to do for several years). Miss X and her family were unemployed and living in one of the poorest estates in the country. If we spent time in her house, which we usually did because she was so poor and liked a large audience. I would often be uncomfortable with the atmosphere/hygiene. There was literally no wallpaper or furniture. The house smelled really badly of animals and urine, filled with unwashed dishes and broken appliances/things. Usually many of her friends from the area would party there many nights in the week and there were lots of fleas over the furniture. There was always someone coming to the door covered in blood after having been in a fight. There was always an issue about selling, getting, or hiding drugs. There was always the threat of her being put out of her house by different gangs that ran the area. There were family feuds, and patrolling police for different issues from theft in local shops or fights in the street.
The thing is we were all great friends; she was a very good person underneath the poverty, a natural street wise leader figure who genuinely cared for us and we had many great times together.
However after a few years, inter-friend rivalry reared its head. There was a lot of passive aggressive behaviour from Miss X became an issue. If I spent time with Miss Y or another mutual friend without her being included she would say we were plotting or bad mouthing her and huff with us.
I found a job and was working full time so she would always say I didn’t like her anymore because I declined some invites even though I was forcing myself to go as often as I could.
She would dismiss my concerns that I felt used because I was the only one who could afford to drive, and was constantly asked to taxi people I didn’t know to collect drugs and other dubious things.
I didn’t really want to take all the hardcore drugs anymore, they were making me tired for work and I was getting into trouble. Plus, I always felt pressured to buy more weed when I only occasionally enjoyed it. I had stopped doing the more hardcore drugs because I didn’t like them but i would always be pressured to try for the collective experience.
I kind of did a slow fade as did Miss Y over 5 years ago. I used my work and health life as a kind of excuse, but just kept ignoring her in the end.
In that time I Have been getting my health on track, I have lost over 10 stone in weight, had a kidney transplant , done a lot of self growth work, held down to my job, began having romantic relationships and feel like a much better person.
Recently Miss Y regained contact with Miss X after a mutual friend died and Miss X needed money.
Part of me thinks she has changed like I have, I feel guilty for just disappearing out of her life, but then I couldn’t find a way to say “you are unclean and a junkie and I’m scared allot of the time we hang out, I feel controlled etc etc”... I know through Miss Y that she was recently put out of her home by a gang because her bf was accused of stealing from something to do with the gang, so things seem not to have changed too much.
How can I reply to her, what if she keeps asking what happened? I know underneath her life and habits she is a good person who simply hasn’t had much opportunity, but I feel like a totally different person now and don’t feel like I could go back to that.
she was recently put out of her home by a gang because her bf was accused of stealing from something to do with the gang
There is no need for you to respond to this person, and you should be highly suspicious that she wants something. Surely she has more important things taking up her time right now?
She knows what happened - you got out. There's no explanation needed.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:38 AM on November 10, 2014 [27 favorites]
There is no need for you to respond to this person, and you should be highly suspicious that she wants something. Surely she has more important things taking up her time right now?
She knows what happened - you got out. There's no explanation needed.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:38 AM on November 10, 2014 [27 favorites]
Miss X had a life-threateningly dangerous influence on you. You are extremely lucky you were able to pull yourself out of that world, and clearly you haven't missed her in the years that she has been absent from your life. Please let sleeping dogs lie. And congratulations on getting your life together!
posted by Dragonness at 8:39 AM on November 10, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by Dragonness at 8:39 AM on November 10, 2014 [18 favorites]
Do not feel guilty for getting yourself out of a bad situation and getting your life on track. If I were in your shoes I would probably not respond at all.
If you feel like you owe her a response, keep it simple, friendly, and non-committal. "I've made some changes to my life and am doing great. It's good to hear from you and I hope you're doing well." The end.
posted by something something at 8:40 AM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you feel like you owe her a response, keep it simple, friendly, and non-committal. "I've made some changes to my life and am doing great. It's good to hear from you and I hope you're doing well." The end.
posted by something something at 8:40 AM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
"Hi - sorry I hurt you by dropping all contact altogether. But my life was starting to go in a different direction that was a better fit for me. I wish you all the best."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:42 AM on November 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:42 AM on November 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
I don't think you have to respond, but if you do, maybe you can say, "I was having a hard time staying off drugs like I wanted to. I always wanted to use drugs when I hung out with my friends from that time, even when we weren't using together. I want to stay off drugs now, so I'm not in touch with most of the people I knew then. It's nothing against you and I wish you all the best."
There's no law that says you have to respond or be completely honest if you do.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 8:48 AM on November 10, 2014 [8 favorites]
There's no law that says you have to respond or be completely honest if you do.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 8:48 AM on November 10, 2014 [8 favorites]
Congrats on moving forward and on your better health. It's been long enough to just ignore this person. Talking to them opens up the door for drama. You don't want or need that. Let it go. It's ok to let it go. You can wish her all the best privately without telling her that you wish her the best. Ignore, do something kind for yourself, and if you are feeling badly maybe donate some money to a shelter or a rehab facility with the knowledge that you're doing it while thinking of her and hoping she gets out like you did.
"Closure" is a code word for "I'm not done with trying to see if there's still something here."
posted by sockermom at 8:52 AM on November 10, 2014 [10 favorites]
"Closure" is a code word for "I'm not done with trying to see if there's still something here."
posted by sockermom at 8:52 AM on November 10, 2014 [10 favorites]
Oh my gosh! Don't reply. It's perfectly okay to be the person who "gets out of the lifestyle." The best way to do that is to drop anyone who uses.
You don't owe her anything, apology or closure or...whatever it is she's ineveitably going to ask you for.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:04 AM on November 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
You don't owe her anything, apology or closure or...whatever it is she's ineveitably going to ask you for.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:04 AM on November 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
She's just coming back around to see if she can use and control you again.
Way to bury the lede that she's homeless and in trouble!!
Miss Y told her you were doing well and have money. This person just wants to steal what you have worked for.
Ignore, delete. Ignore.
posted by jbenben at 9:14 AM on November 10, 2014 [41 favorites]
Way to bury the lede that she's homeless and in trouble!!
Miss Y told her you were doing well and have money. This person just wants to steal what you have worked for.
Ignore, delete. Ignore.
posted by jbenben at 9:14 AM on November 10, 2014 [41 favorites]
You know what, if Miss X had changed, she'd understand why you didn't want to mix with people from your old lifestyle because she herself would be avoiding those people (i.e. you).
Don't respond.
posted by tel3path at 9:19 AM on November 10, 2014 [10 favorites]
Don't respond.
posted by tel3path at 9:19 AM on November 10, 2014 [10 favorites]
Let me be clear: Only reply or interact with this person if you want to lose everything good you have worked for.
NOTHING in your description indicates anything other than a guilt trip designed to persuade you to open the door, so she can manipulate you and suck you dry.
There is nothing to explain. Drop Miss Y, too, if she appears to be getting sucked back in, which seems to be the case.
posted by jbenben at 9:21 AM on November 10, 2014 [7 favorites]
NOTHING in your description indicates anything other than a guilt trip designed to persuade you to open the door, so she can manipulate you and suck you dry.
There is nothing to explain. Drop Miss Y, too, if she appears to be getting sucked back in, which seems to be the case.
posted by jbenben at 9:21 AM on November 10, 2014 [7 favorites]
No contact. Nothing good will come of this. Just ignore her. Block her if you have to, but don't respond.
posted by Slinga at 9:33 AM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Slinga at 9:33 AM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
You've accomplished some amazing things. Keep the good things in your life going by sticking to the path you're on. She's not a part of your present, nor should she be part of your future.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:33 AM on November 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:33 AM on November 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
Having had some family interactions like this, my advice is: don't contact her unless you wish to give her all of your money and some years off your life. It sounds like you've given her enough of both of those.
If you want to be more generous than she has any right to expect, I like Snarl's script to give her the gift of closure, and then not reading or responding to any further messages. And give Y a wide berth too, because it sounds like the only reason someone would spend time in X's sphere by choice is to get drugs, and you're doing well to be out of that scene.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:55 AM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you want to be more generous than she has any right to expect, I like Snarl's script to give her the gift of closure, and then not reading or responding to any further messages. And give Y a wide berth too, because it sounds like the only reason someone would spend time in X's sphere by choice is to get drugs, and you're doing well to be out of that scene.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:55 AM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
You got yourself out of that life and moved forward. Congratulations. You should be very proud.
she hasn’t had much opportunity
Has she really not had the same opportunities that you have over the last decade? She is not a child with no control over her environment. She is an adult who is choosing every day to stay in that life.
Part of me thinks she has changed like I have...things seem not to have changed too much.
I think you are very smart to recognize this. You got yourself out of that life, right? No one came and got you. No one did these things for you. That's why you succeeded. You decided you wanted something better and you helped yourself. For her to truly move forward with her life, she is going to have to help herself. Her life is not yours to fix. You don't have to shoulder her burdens. It's okay to feel sorry for her that she is in a bad situation. You don't have to feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You don't have to feel like you are abandoning her. She is perfectly capable of making the same decisions you did and getting herself out of that life.
How can I reply to her...I feel like a totally different person now and don’t feel like I could go back to that.
Do you want to reply to her? I'm very skeptical as to the reason she suddenly needs closure. Where was she when you started the slow fade? Where was she four years ago? Three years ago? If your friendship was important to her, she would have spoken up sooner. And I think it's telling that she said "I want closure." not "You got out of this life. I'd like to as well. Can you help me?"
My gut feeling is that she is just looking for a handout so I'd say no contact. You don't owe her an explanation. She knows what happened. You got out. She didn't. I suspect that if you stick with that she'll move on to greener pastures. If by chance she keeps trying to contact you, you can continue to not respond. If you really don't feel okay with that. A simple response like something something suggested is sufficient.
Good luck. Take care of yourself.
posted by Beti at 10:00 AM on November 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
she hasn’t had much opportunity
Has she really not had the same opportunities that you have over the last decade? She is not a child with no control over her environment. She is an adult who is choosing every day to stay in that life.
Part of me thinks she has changed like I have...things seem not to have changed too much.
I think you are very smart to recognize this. You got yourself out of that life, right? No one came and got you. No one did these things for you. That's why you succeeded. You decided you wanted something better and you helped yourself. For her to truly move forward with her life, she is going to have to help herself. Her life is not yours to fix. You don't have to shoulder her burdens. It's okay to feel sorry for her that she is in a bad situation. You don't have to feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You don't have to feel like you are abandoning her. She is perfectly capable of making the same decisions you did and getting herself out of that life.
How can I reply to her...I feel like a totally different person now and don’t feel like I could go back to that.
Do you want to reply to her? I'm very skeptical as to the reason she suddenly needs closure. Where was she when you started the slow fade? Where was she four years ago? Three years ago? If your friendship was important to her, she would have spoken up sooner. And I think it's telling that she said "I want closure." not "You got out of this life. I'd like to as well. Can you help me?"
My gut feeling is that she is just looking for a handout so I'd say no contact. You don't owe her an explanation. She knows what happened. You got out. She didn't. I suspect that if you stick with that she'll move on to greener pastures. If by chance she keeps trying to contact you, you can continue to not respond. If you really don't feel okay with that. A simple response like something something suggested is sufficient.
Good luck. Take care of yourself.
posted by Beti at 10:00 AM on November 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
You mention how streetwise she is. Part of that set of skills is knowing how to get to people, be it via sweet guilt-inducing emails, the perfect insult, a threat, or whatever. I don't know if she's skillful in that way, but it kinda sounds like it. If so, consider whether the fact that you're feeling guilty is actually a sign of danger. If she had reached out like "I'm glad you got out; I hope your life is going well," then it would make more sense to reconnect.
posted by salvia at 10:10 AM on November 10, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by salvia at 10:10 AM on November 10, 2014 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I feel guilty for just disappearing out of her life, but then I couldn’t find a way to say “you are unclean and a junkie and I’m scared allot of the time we hang out, I feel controlled etc etc”
Former (25+ years ago) drug addict here. This is the way of the drug world. She knows why you stopped hanging out. Other than death or jail, the reason why drug friends suddenly stop hanging out is because one of them has stopped -- or is trying to stop -- doing drugs.
Please do not get sucked back in. Remember, you do not have to feel guilty for taking care of yourself! Feel free to MeMail me :)
posted by Room 641-A at 11:09 AM on November 10, 2014 [14 favorites]
Former (25+ years ago) drug addict here. This is the way of the drug world. She knows why you stopped hanging out. Other than death or jail, the reason why drug friends suddenly stop hanging out is because one of them has stopped -- or is trying to stop -- doing drugs.
Please do not get sucked back in. Remember, you do not have to feel guilty for taking care of yourself! Feel free to MeMail me :)
posted by Room 641-A at 11:09 AM on November 10, 2014 [14 favorites]
Block Miss X's email address. Delete her email. Let her be nothing but a bad memory.
posted by starbreaker at 11:09 AM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by starbreaker at 11:09 AM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Do not respond. Do not go back to the bucket...
posted by BoscosMom at 11:13 AM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by BoscosMom at 11:13 AM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
Ignore her, block her, delete her from your life. You owe her NOTHING, not even a reply telling her to leave you alone. Her 'wanting closure' is a lie; what she really wants is whatever she can pressure you into giving her ---money, a place to crash, whatever.
And tell Miss Y that if she ever passes on your contact info without your explicit prior permission to anyone ever again, you'll cut her off too.
posted by easily confused at 1:13 PM on November 10, 2014 [11 favorites]
And tell Miss Y that if she ever passes on your contact info without your explicit prior permission to anyone ever again, you'll cut her off too.
posted by easily confused at 1:13 PM on November 10, 2014 [11 favorites]
She sounds life- and/or health-threatening to you. I think you know you should avoid her. You have to keep yourself healthy, that comes first. Hanging out with her is incompatible with that.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:33 PM on November 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:33 PM on November 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Yeah. She knows exactly what happened. And now she's homeless and needs money and a place to stay and someone to help her (which in her mind is synonymous with someone to mooch off of), so she's reaching out to stable people who have money. And you're next on her list.
If you feel the need to respond, I think it's perfectly okay to say something like, "Drugs and partying made me sick to the point where I needed a kidney transplant, and now I can't revisit that part of my life, because it's a risk to my health." But if you do that, you risk her trying to argue with you. And people who want to manipulate you are really good at arguing. She may tell you that she too is ready to get out of that lifestyle, or that you're so strong that you won't be in any danger, or that she just needs a little help, or whatever. But you do not have to believe her. And I also think it's perfectly okay to just say, "I'm sorry, but I can't talk with you. I wish you all the best, but I can't discuss it." NO is a complete sentence.
I also think it's totally okay just to ignore her. There is absolutely nothing that obligates you to reengage with someone who you believe threatens your health and safety. You can ignore her, or block her email address, and you don't need to feel guilty about that at all.
The choice is yours. You have control now over your life and who you let in it. And you need to exercise that control in a way that is healthiest and safest for you. Whatever you decide, the people who really care about your well-being will support your right to make the choices that are best for you. And anyone who doesn't support you doesn't really care about you.
posted by decathecting at 6:04 AM on November 11, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you feel the need to respond, I think it's perfectly okay to say something like, "Drugs and partying made me sick to the point where I needed a kidney transplant, and now I can't revisit that part of my life, because it's a risk to my health." But if you do that, you risk her trying to argue with you. And people who want to manipulate you are really good at arguing. She may tell you that she too is ready to get out of that lifestyle, or that you're so strong that you won't be in any danger, or that she just needs a little help, or whatever. But you do not have to believe her. And I also think it's perfectly okay to just say, "I'm sorry, but I can't talk with you. I wish you all the best, but I can't discuss it." NO is a complete sentence.
I also think it's totally okay just to ignore her. There is absolutely nothing that obligates you to reengage with someone who you believe threatens your health and safety. You can ignore her, or block her email address, and you don't need to feel guilty about that at all.
The choice is yours. You have control now over your life and who you let in it. And you need to exercise that control in a way that is healthiest and safest for you. Whatever you decide, the people who really care about your well-being will support your right to make the choices that are best for you. And anyone who doesn't support you doesn't really care about you.
posted by decathecting at 6:04 AM on November 11, 2014 [3 favorites]
I had these friends, different story similar situation, when I was in my late teens. I STILL love all of them. When I worked in homeless services I ran into one of my old friends strung out and crying hysterically that he loves me and I'm his wife and he never wanted me to see him this way. It is SO HARD.
Because I don't stop loving people. I don't stop wanting to be there for them. A lot of people whose behavior is terrible, are really doing the best they can given what they've experienced and how they understand and have processed surviving in their world and what they feel they can realistically handle doing to cope with it. (Not everyone has the internal strength or external support needed to get out. Ever. )
I like to focus all of that real love I still have into supporting programs that help alleviate problems people are facing like this in multifaceted ways (working to increase minimum wage, expand social safety net programs, make long term rehab free, ensure all people have access to healthy forms of entertainment and comfort so drugs is not the only option for extremely poor people to get some escape, and even supportive harm reduction programs that provide home care services for people with addiction or mental illness/physical disability who are not able to keep up with the tasks of life).
You can of course just walk away, but if you find something nagging in you, that sense that this is a good person who you wish you could meaningfully help in a way that is safe for you- you could brainstorm what the variables that left her in this state really were/are and be a passionate powerful force for changing those variables in the world, whether through advocacy, education, donations or volunteering with organizations you feel would be safe (physically and emotionally) for you to volunteer with. If you try to help her personally, you will not have the same power to set safe boundaries (and have them respected) that you will have working ina group where there is a group of people who will help ensure safe boundaries are set. To me, I think you're standing there with a life jacket you can throw over at someone drowning YOU SHOULD THROW IT-- we should all save each other IF WE CAN. But this is more like someone who is drowning, and you're standing there with nothing but yourself- you could jump in and the likelihood of you drowning too is the more likely outcome.
To be perfectly honest, there are situations where I have jumped and I'm glad I did, messy as it's been. I don't regret, if nothing else, showing people they are not alone. But even now if I talk to some of them I have to be ready for manipulation and a lot of behavior that I consider extremely damaging and controlling. I don't actually blame people in scarcity for becoming hunters. People who are used to having to fight to get their needs met with others will do that, and frankly they deserve help- no person can survive alone and people in cultures where poverty and drug life are the driving cultural teachings/norms know that everyone around them is too broken to voluntarily work on mutual aid, so everyone has to be forceful or get nothing at all. It's a cultural difference, and again, respecting what people have been through and how they became what they are is one of the few things I can do for those coping with it. (From a safe distance.)
Drug culture is a vicious, terrible world to be in and you are so fortunate to be out, to have had the insight and fortitude to forge a different path. In many ways, we think being a hero is for people in movies, but we can all choose to look back on the suffering others are in and use the real powers we have to lift up anyone we can. But, I like the saying to master your strengths you have to accept your limitations. And doing the often truly heroic work of lifting ourselves out of such situations is a pre-requisite for being able to be there for any one else.
Safely supporting or being friends with this person is not currently an option, and that comes with the limitation of being one human against a powerful state of poverty, addiction and suffering that she is drowning in and the fact that she has become disconnect to understanding or caring about the welfare of others in the plight to get her needs met. Charity for people with harmful/dangerous behavior is better handled by organizations equipped to work as a team to protect the workers/volunteers from harmful behavior of those who have lost the ability to control or care about how they effect others.
posted by xarnop at 7:07 AM on November 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
Because I don't stop loving people. I don't stop wanting to be there for them. A lot of people whose behavior is terrible, are really doing the best they can given what they've experienced and how they understand and have processed surviving in their world and what they feel they can realistically handle doing to cope with it. (Not everyone has the internal strength or external support needed to get out. Ever. )
I like to focus all of that real love I still have into supporting programs that help alleviate problems people are facing like this in multifaceted ways (working to increase minimum wage, expand social safety net programs, make long term rehab free, ensure all people have access to healthy forms of entertainment and comfort so drugs is not the only option for extremely poor people to get some escape, and even supportive harm reduction programs that provide home care services for people with addiction or mental illness/physical disability who are not able to keep up with the tasks of life).
You can of course just walk away, but if you find something nagging in you, that sense that this is a good person who you wish you could meaningfully help in a way that is safe for you- you could brainstorm what the variables that left her in this state really were/are and be a passionate powerful force for changing those variables in the world, whether through advocacy, education, donations or volunteering with organizations you feel would be safe (physically and emotionally) for you to volunteer with. If you try to help her personally, you will not have the same power to set safe boundaries (and have them respected) that you will have working ina group where there is a group of people who will help ensure safe boundaries are set. To me, I think you're standing there with a life jacket you can throw over at someone drowning YOU SHOULD THROW IT-- we should all save each other IF WE CAN. But this is more like someone who is drowning, and you're standing there with nothing but yourself- you could jump in and the likelihood of you drowning too is the more likely outcome.
To be perfectly honest, there are situations where I have jumped and I'm glad I did, messy as it's been. I don't regret, if nothing else, showing people they are not alone. But even now if I talk to some of them I have to be ready for manipulation and a lot of behavior that I consider extremely damaging and controlling. I don't actually blame people in scarcity for becoming hunters. People who are used to having to fight to get their needs met with others will do that, and frankly they deserve help- no person can survive alone and people in cultures where poverty and drug life are the driving cultural teachings/norms know that everyone around them is too broken to voluntarily work on mutual aid, so everyone has to be forceful or get nothing at all. It's a cultural difference, and again, respecting what people have been through and how they became what they are is one of the few things I can do for those coping with it. (From a safe distance.)
Drug culture is a vicious, terrible world to be in and you are so fortunate to be out, to have had the insight and fortitude to forge a different path. In many ways, we think being a hero is for people in movies, but we can all choose to look back on the suffering others are in and use the real powers we have to lift up anyone we can. But, I like the saying to master your strengths you have to accept your limitations. And doing the often truly heroic work of lifting ourselves out of such situations is a pre-requisite for being able to be there for any one else.
Safely supporting or being friends with this person is not currently an option, and that comes with the limitation of being one human against a powerful state of poverty, addiction and suffering that she is drowning in and the fact that she has become disconnect to understanding or caring about the welfare of others in the plight to get her needs met. Charity for people with harmful/dangerous behavior is better handled by organizations equipped to work as a team to protect the workers/volunteers from harmful behavior of those who have lost the ability to control or care about how they effect others.
posted by xarnop at 7:07 AM on November 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
On a more practical level- I would not respond at all because I know that manipulative people are good at talking over me once we start talking and to protect myself I will simply disengage from people I see as dangerous to myself. If you wind up somehow trapped into engaging with her, you might do two things- have a very firm short answer about choosing not to spend time with people who use drugs or that remind you of that time in your life- and if she starts insulting you or manipulating you you can even say "I'm not discussing this further." Then ignore or report any threatening behavior if you feel she is making you feel unsafe. She may try to turn your other friend against you and preemptively discussing the situation with your friend might help you feel like your ex-friend has less power to hurt you through manipulating your friends. You deserve to be protected from her harmful behavior, even if she is a good person deep down and can't help that she's losing control. You can also do a quick search of homeless and addiction services in your area just so you know and you can mention these services if she makes a genuine appeal to you for help.
posted by xarnop at 7:22 AM on November 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by xarnop at 7:22 AM on November 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have a Mr. X and I've pretty much become accustomed to the fact that whenever he contacts me, it's because he needs something. He has the couth to inquire about how I've been and tell me a little about himself, but it always boils down to something he needs.
I had a lot of super good times with this person. Like could have been some silly movie like superbad or something, but he drifted off into a darker place and I just didn't.
His friends he drifted off with (who I also knew somewhat) have either gotten out and abandoned him or od'd and died.
I know somewhere in there is a good person with a killer sense of humor, and I would prefer for him not to die (he's actually atempted suicide a few times), but I realize it is ultimately up to him to decide to try something different.
That said I do occasionally help him out. I usually pay for a room for a night like once a year and we'll go out to eat and stuff our faces maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I think a lot of people here would say that this is unhealthy for me, but really i don't find it to be a burden. I've moved on in life and have other friends. I also know there is 100% no way I would travel down his spiral with him. I've sort of disconnected from that compartment of his life and only pay mind to the better part, which is still there in flashes.
So if you are very confident in your ability to have boundaries, can afford it (in money or time or whatever), and if you want to, I don't think there's a problem being in (sporadic) contact with this former friend. There's also no problem to just not respond if that's what's best for you (because you do you first).
posted by WeekendJen at 9:02 AM on November 11, 2014 [3 favorites]
I had a lot of super good times with this person. Like could have been some silly movie like superbad or something, but he drifted off into a darker place and I just didn't.
His friends he drifted off with (who I also knew somewhat) have either gotten out and abandoned him or od'd and died.
I know somewhere in there is a good person with a killer sense of humor, and I would prefer for him not to die (he's actually atempted suicide a few times), but I realize it is ultimately up to him to decide to try something different.
That said I do occasionally help him out. I usually pay for a room for a night like once a year and we'll go out to eat and stuff our faces maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I think a lot of people here would say that this is unhealthy for me, but really i don't find it to be a burden. I've moved on in life and have other friends. I also know there is 100% no way I would travel down his spiral with him. I've sort of disconnected from that compartment of his life and only pay mind to the better part, which is still there in flashes.
So if you are very confident in your ability to have boundaries, can afford it (in money or time or whatever), and if you want to, I don't think there's a problem being in (sporadic) contact with this former friend. There's also no problem to just not respond if that's what's best for you (because you do you first).
posted by WeekendJen at 9:02 AM on November 11, 2014 [3 favorites]
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posted by nubianinthedesert at 8:38 AM on November 10, 2014 [19 favorites]