Quick jokes for postcards?
October 28, 2014 10:25 AM Subscribe
One of my friends who lives on the other coast is going through some serious medical stuff. I've been sending him cheesy postcards with stupid stuff written on them, just to let him know I'm thinking of him and to maybe give him a laugh. I'm out of ideas though. Give me your best jokes/puns/groaners that I can fit on a postcard! They can be off-color if they're sufficiently funny. Any topic welcome.
Not a joke, just something surreal I saw on a card once -
A smudge of paint, and underneath it the words: "I did this with my ear and thought you might like to have it."
It makes utterly no sense whatsoever and that's kind of the point.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:39 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
A smudge of paint, and underneath it the words: "I did this with my ear and thought you might like to have it."
It makes utterly no sense whatsoever and that's kind of the point.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:39 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
Why do mice have tiny balls?
They love to dance!
posted by Juliet Banana at 10:48 AM on October 28, 2014 [10 favorites]
They love to dance!
posted by Juliet Banana at 10:48 AM on October 28, 2014 [10 favorites]
Ask a native St. Louisan for jokes. In St. Louis kids have to tell a joke to get candy on Halloween (the "trick" part of trick-or-treat). My go-to favorite was: What do you call a petite fortune-teller who's escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
posted by Liesl at 10:51 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
A small medium at large.
posted by Liesl at 10:51 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
Sorry this is late. I swallowed my watch. It was very time consuming.
posted by straight at 10:58 AM on October 28, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by straight at 10:58 AM on October 28, 2014 [6 favorites]
Just heard this one recently:
I like my coffee how I like my women....and that's how I got banned from Starbucks.
posted by trivia genius at 10:59 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
I like my coffee how I like my women....and that's how I got banned from Starbucks.
posted by trivia genius at 10:59 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 11:07 AM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
A gummy bear!
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 11:07 AM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
I find several of these ten 2-line jokes to be just ridiculously funny.
Especially:
Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
and
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.
posted by aimedwander at 11:14 AM on October 28, 2014 [8 favorites]
Especially:
Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
and
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.
posted by aimedwander at 11:14 AM on October 28, 2014 [8 favorites]
If you're into sarcastic humor, maybe you can borrow some jokes from the "thinking of you" or "friendship" cards on this site. Or just buy them, I guess.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:23 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:23 AM on October 28, 2014
A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
posted by mule98J at 11:31 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by mule98J at 11:31 AM on October 28, 2014
Best answer: Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?
Fo'drizzle
posted by mochapickle at 11:49 AM on October 28, 2014 [5 favorites]
Fo'drizzle
posted by mochapickle at 11:49 AM on October 28, 2014 [5 favorites]
A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The high balls are on me!"
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me but where's the bar tender?"
Q: What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye got pissed.
Did you know Pinocchio loved birds? It's true- he even had a wood pecker!
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:59 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me but where's the bar tender?"
Q: What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye got pissed.
Did you know Pinocchio loved birds? It's true- he even had a wood pecker!
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:59 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
told to me last week by a small child:
why did the cookie go to the doctor?
because he was feeling a little crummy.
best wishes for your friend.
posted by tamarack at 1:26 PM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
why did the cookie go to the doctor?
because he was feeling a little crummy.
best wishes for your friend.
posted by tamarack at 1:26 PM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
Two nuns are bicycling down a street in Rome, on their way to St. Peter's Bascilia. First nun says, "You know, I've never come this way before." Second nun says, "It's the cobbles."
posted by Diablevert at 1:34 PM on October 28, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by Diablevert at 1:34 PM on October 28, 2014 [8 favorites]
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
'cuz he was too...far...out, man.
posted by wensink at 1:36 PM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Phillipe Phillope
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
'cuz he was too...far...out, man.
posted by wensink at 1:36 PM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
in big print:
"So are you still having sexy dreams about the mailman?"
posted by calgirl at 1:57 PM on October 28, 2014 [12 favorites]
"So are you still having sexy dreams about the mailman?"
posted by calgirl at 1:57 PM on October 28, 2014 [12 favorites]
Why can't you hear pterodactyls in the bathroom?
The P is silent.
posted by dywypi at 2:10 PM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
The P is silent.
posted by dywypi at 2:10 PM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
I've posted this in other threads before, but my all-time favorite quick joke:
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?
posted by ActionPopulated at 2:19 PM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?
posted by ActionPopulated at 2:19 PM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
You need some Tommy Cooper jokes:
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
And my favourite joke since I was about 12, though I can't remember where I heard it:
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He was awake all night wondering if there was a dog.
posted by billiebee at 2:39 PM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
And my favourite joke since I was about 12, though I can't remember where I heard it:
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He was awake all night wondering if there was a dog.
posted by billiebee at 2:39 PM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
My standard postcard joke:
The weather is here; wish you were beautiful!
posted by casualinference at 3:49 PM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
The weather is here; wish you were beautiful!
posted by casualinference at 3:49 PM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
For Halloween I tried to dress up as a dictator, but I couldn't figure out how to make the potato stay in place.
posted by tacodave at 4:13 PM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by tacodave at 4:13 PM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
What happened when the blue ship crashed into the red ship?
Both crews were marooned!
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
posted by K0dama at 8:02 PM on October 28, 2014
Both crews were marooned!
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
posted by K0dama at 8:02 PM on October 28, 2014
trapped in postcard factory
send help
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:20 AM on October 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
send help
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:20 AM on October 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
My vacuum is just gathering dust.
posted by onehalfjunco at 8:27 AM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by onehalfjunco at 8:27 AM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
« Older Help me find some non-bloody scary movies | Artificial Ingredients: Really all that harmful? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Q: What do a mummy and a person choking on lemonade have in common?
A: They both have a sour cough, I guess.
It works well with a Halloween theme....
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:29 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]