Advice re daughter trying to use threat to not eat breakfast as leverage
October 22, 2014 8:31 AM Subscribe
Over the last couple weeks, my 6-year-old daughter has threatened on several occasions not to eat breakfast. She isn't saying that she's not hungry. Rather, she tries to get us to change some parental decision by saying she won't eat breakfast unless we give in and let her watch her show (or whatever it is.) I don't want her thinking that restricting her food intake is a way to get ahead. Can you provide some advice?
I'm a little freaked out because so many of the girls and women I've known have developed unhealthy relationships to food and I worry this behavior could push her in that direction.
I'm not sure how this started. My best guess is that she saw that my wife and I were upset when she didn't want to breakfast before school a couple weeks ago (we didn't have the cereal she likes, she had a minor tantrum, and we probably went overboard in making sure she ate because we didn't want her hungry and grumpy at school) and that led her to realize this might be a ploy she could use. A couple nights ago, she said she wasn't going to eat breakfast the next morning unless I let her stay up past her bed time. Other mornings she has threatened not to eat unless we let her watch a particular show or sit in a seat that her brother is currently occupying, that sort of thing.
So far, we haven't given in to the threats, but we've also tried not to make a big deal out of them (I'm freaked out, but I try hard to not show it.) I'll try to express gently regret at the idea of her not eating ("I don't want you to be hungry at school, sweetie") and later tempt her into eating something. My wife has been taking the same approach, but we both feel uncertain about whether that's the correct response. Is there something else we should be doing? Could she already be picking up harmful messages from other kids or adults that we need to actively counteract?
I'm a little freaked out because so many of the girls and women I've known have developed unhealthy relationships to food and I worry this behavior could push her in that direction.
I'm not sure how this started. My best guess is that she saw that my wife and I were upset when she didn't want to breakfast before school a couple weeks ago (we didn't have the cereal she likes, she had a minor tantrum, and we probably went overboard in making sure she ate because we didn't want her hungry and grumpy at school) and that led her to realize this might be a ploy she could use. A couple nights ago, she said she wasn't going to eat breakfast the next morning unless I let her stay up past her bed time. Other mornings she has threatened not to eat unless we let her watch a particular show or sit in a seat that her brother is currently occupying, that sort of thing.
So far, we haven't given in to the threats, but we've also tried not to make a big deal out of them (I'm freaked out, but I try hard to not show it.) I'll try to express gently regret at the idea of her not eating ("I don't want you to be hungry at school, sweetie") and later tempt her into eating something. My wife has been taking the same approach, but we both feel uncertain about whether that's the correct response. Is there something else we should be doing? Could she already be picking up harmful messages from other kids or adults that we need to actively counteract?
You can't negotiate with terrorists (and you certainly don't want her using her own health as a leverage point...that doesn't lead anywhere good).
It seems like your best alternative is an arms race, since, as grown-ups, you hold the winning arsenal. Punish her not for skipping breakfast, but for this diabolical threat to do so. The threat behavior itself should be punished. Once that's controlled, if breakfast is still an issue, use punishment there. Punish more severely for more severe behavior. That's the only way.
I realize this is old school advice. Most parents these days don't want to be The Heavys. They want to be their kid's best buddies. But punishment/reward have been the chief tools of child-rearing for time immemorial for good reason. Declination to punish just creates manipulative kids. And there are a lot of manipulative kids out there....and, increasingly, adults.
posted by Quisp Lover at 8:40 AM on October 22, 2014 [8 favorites]
It seems like your best alternative is an arms race, since, as grown-ups, you hold the winning arsenal. Punish her not for skipping breakfast, but for this diabolical threat to do so. The threat behavior itself should be punished. Once that's controlled, if breakfast is still an issue, use punishment there. Punish more severely for more severe behavior. That's the only way.
I realize this is old school advice. Most parents these days don't want to be The Heavys. They want to be their kid's best buddies. But punishment/reward have been the chief tools of child-rearing for time immemorial for good reason. Declination to punish just creates manipulative kids. And there are a lot of manipulative kids out there....and, increasingly, adults.
posted by Quisp Lover at 8:40 AM on October 22, 2014 [8 favorites]
I think she's picked up on your anxiety around her refusal to eat, and she's seeing how much mileage she can get out of it. It's not an unhealthy relationship to food you have to worry about here, it's an unhealthy desire to manipulate you.
Actually there's nothing here that sounds like she has an unhealthy relationship to food. You don't say that she's critical of her body or restricting her eating overall. Missing a couple of meals isn't going to kill her or scar her for life at this stage. I think you need to teach her that this kind of blackmail isn't going to work. Tell her it's ok not to eat breakfast if she doesn't want to (in fact, forcing kids to eat when they don't want to is the fastest way I can think of to create an unhealthy relationship to food!). Then don't give into her threats. "I won't eat breakfast if you don't give me X". "We already decided that you can't have X. You never have to eat breakfast if you don't want to." Then serve up breakfast the next day as usual and see what happens. Good luck.
posted by yogalemon at 8:41 AM on October 22, 2014 [36 favorites]
Actually there's nothing here that sounds like she has an unhealthy relationship to food. You don't say that she's critical of her body or restricting her eating overall. Missing a couple of meals isn't going to kill her or scar her for life at this stage. I think you need to teach her that this kind of blackmail isn't going to work. Tell her it's ok not to eat breakfast if she doesn't want to (in fact, forcing kids to eat when they don't want to is the fastest way I can think of to create an unhealthy relationship to food!). Then don't give into her threats. "I won't eat breakfast if you don't give me X". "We already decided that you can't have X. You never have to eat breakfast if you don't want to." Then serve up breakfast the next day as usual and see what happens. Good luck.
posted by yogalemon at 8:41 AM on October 22, 2014 [36 favorites]
If it were me, I'd focus more on the fact that you don't give in to threats of any kind, and the consequence of her continuing to make threats, than on the content of the threat itself.
posted by mikepop at 8:41 AM on October 22, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by mikepop at 8:41 AM on October 22, 2014 [6 favorites]
Got any portable breakfast foods? If so, I vote for shrugging this tiny power play off and handing her a [granola bar/banana/portable yogurt/breakfast bar] for her to eat if she wants on the car/school bus anytime she refuses. Making a big deal of it only provides positive feedback to her making a big deal out of it, I would think.
posted by deludingmyself at 8:41 AM on October 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by deludingmyself at 8:41 AM on October 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Its seems to me that her refusal to eat breakfast relates more to having a sense of control vs. having a poor relationship with food. I would not make a big deal out of it. As long as she's getting her overall nutritional needs met, going to school hungry a couple of times won't harm her. Chances are that she'll give up on this tactic once she realizes it doesn't work.
You could also tie it into something fun that she likes to do. If she likes to play with the iPad when she gets home from school, you could tell her that she can only play with it when she eats breakfast. I would never ever adopt a "clean your plate" strategy -- that DOES cause harmful relationships with food -- but I'd want her to make an attempt to eat.
It also might help to give her a choice that doesn't have a "No" answer. Instead of asking her if she'd like to eat breakfast, say "What would you like for breakfast today, waffles or cereal?"
posted by Ostara at 8:44 AM on October 22, 2014
You could also tie it into something fun that she likes to do. If she likes to play with the iPad when she gets home from school, you could tell her that she can only play with it when she eats breakfast. I would never ever adopt a "clean your plate" strategy -- that DOES cause harmful relationships with food -- but I'd want her to make an attempt to eat.
It also might help to give her a choice that doesn't have a "No" answer. Instead of asking her if she'd like to eat breakfast, say "What would you like for breakfast today, waffles or cereal?"
posted by Ostara at 8:44 AM on October 22, 2014
She's probably not getting harmful messages at this age unless she is very noticeably overweight for her age. This is so much more about her trying to get her way, and pushing you to see how far she can take it.
Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't express regret at her failure to eat, don't try to tempt her into taking a bite before she's out the door to school. If she sees that she has no leverage using this tactic, she will drop it in short order.
On preview - agree that you should address the threatening behavior, no matter what the threat is. She needs to learn that's not how people get their way. But don't address it in the moment. After school, say "making threats to get your way, like you did this morning when you refused to eat, is inappropriate. It will not work."
posted by trivia genius at 8:45 AM on October 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't express regret at her failure to eat, don't try to tempt her into taking a bite before she's out the door to school. If she sees that she has no leverage using this tactic, she will drop it in short order.
On preview - agree that you should address the threatening behavior, no matter what the threat is. She needs to learn that's not how people get their way. But don't address it in the moment. After school, say "making threats to get your way, like you did this morning when you refused to eat, is inappropriate. It will not work."
posted by trivia genius at 8:45 AM on October 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
Kids this age can certainly hear/internalize bad messages, but it doesn't sound like she's expressing feelings about body image or thin=attractive. It sounds more like she's found something she knows you feel strongly about and she's testing your boundaries and seeing if she can wring concessions out of you.
Personally, I think making a big deal about her eating breakfast is also unhealthy, because developing healthy eating habits is in part about learning your body--what hunger feels like, as opposed to boredom, and how much and what kind of food are good.
Don't give in, and don't make a big deal about it or try to tempt her to eat later. She is six, missing breakfast once won't hurt her, and she's old enough to learn the connection between skipping meals and being grumpy.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 8:46 AM on October 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Personally, I think making a big deal about her eating breakfast is also unhealthy, because developing healthy eating habits is in part about learning your body--what hunger feels like, as opposed to boredom, and how much and what kind of food are good.
Don't give in, and don't make a big deal about it or try to tempt her to eat later. She is six, missing breakfast once won't hurt her, and she's old enough to learn the connection between skipping meals and being grumpy.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 8:46 AM on October 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'm a little freaked out because so many of the girls and women I've known have developed unhealthy relationships to food and I worry this behavior could push her in that direction.
But this doesn't have anything to do with the food itself; it's just one of the very few things a six year old has control over. She's not developing a weird relationship with food, she's just smartly aware that you are freaked out by it. When I was a kid, I would break a toy if it was threatened to be taken away, to remove the leverage over me. I didn't have any weird thoughts about consumerism or playtime, I just didn't want to be controlled.
posted by spaltavian at 8:47 AM on October 22, 2014 [8 favorites]
But this doesn't have anything to do with the food itself; it's just one of the very few things a six year old has control over. She's not developing a weird relationship with food, she's just smartly aware that you are freaked out by it. When I was a kid, I would break a toy if it was threatened to be taken away, to remove the leverage over me. I didn't have any weird thoughts about consumerism or playtime, I just didn't want to be controlled.
posted by spaltavian at 8:47 AM on October 22, 2014 [8 favorites]
At three, it may not work to say "you're hurting yourself here, and not me", but at six you can just say "ok I see that you're using this as a ploy; you better realise that I get it. Rest assured that it's not me who's going to have a problem with your not eating breakfast. Do what suits you."
Then, there's the alternative route, to (at another time of the day) discuss with the whole family whether breakfast routines need changing (f. ex. my son simply needed fifteen minutes more time in the morning, and strife was reduced to zero when he got these) or whether other items should be part of breakfast. The latter can be part of a democratic everyone-has-a-say discussion.
posted by Namlit at 8:47 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
Then, there's the alternative route, to (at another time of the day) discuss with the whole family whether breakfast routines need changing (f. ex. my son simply needed fifteen minutes more time in the morning, and strife was reduced to zero when he got these) or whether other items should be part of breakfast. The latter can be part of a democratic everyone-has-a-say discussion.
posted by Namlit at 8:47 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
"Great. Don't eat breakfast tomorrow. It's still bedtime. Let's go!"
Make breakfast as usual. If she doesn't eat it, don't comment.
I don't understand arguing about eating. I make the food. If they eat, great. If not, they eat when they're hungry.
It only becomes a test of wills if you make it one.
Also. I hated eating breakfast, and still do. Turns out this is a valid biorhythm some people have. It does not translate into an eating disorder.
posted by jbenben at 8:48 AM on October 22, 2014 [31 favorites]
Make breakfast as usual. If she doesn't eat it, don't comment.
I don't understand arguing about eating. I make the food. If they eat, great. If not, they eat when they're hungry.
It only becomes a test of wills if you make it one.
Also. I hated eating breakfast, and still do. Turns out this is a valid biorhythm some people have. It does not translate into an eating disorder.
posted by jbenben at 8:48 AM on October 22, 2014 [31 favorites]
"You're not punishing anybody but yourself by not eating breakfast. You will lose your screen time for the week for making threats to get your way, though."
Follow through.
Stop being visibly afraid of your child. Being out of her favorite cereal is a "tough shit" situation, not "oh shit." It sounds like she's already controlling you with her tantrums.
Force-feeding her would create a bad relationship with food. Not allowing her breakfast as punishment would also create a bad relationship with food. Letting her control you with food is a bad relationship with food - that's the one you need to address.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:50 AM on October 22, 2014 [78 favorites]
Follow through.
Stop being visibly afraid of your child. Being out of her favorite cereal is a "tough shit" situation, not "oh shit." It sounds like she's already controlling you with her tantrums.
Force-feeding her would create a bad relationship with food. Not allowing her breakfast as punishment would also create a bad relationship with food. Letting her control you with food is a bad relationship with food - that's the one you need to address.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:50 AM on October 22, 2014 [78 favorites]
I probably haven't eaten breakfast since the last time my mother made me do it. I hate eating in the morning and don't usually eat until noon. I have been this way for years and my relationship with food is a healthy one. So there's that.
But it seems like your young lady is using this as a means to get her way. Do not negotiate. Quisp Lover makes a great point. Discipline her for her tactics, not her refusal of breakfast.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:50 AM on October 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
But it seems like your young lady is using this as a means to get her way. Do not negotiate. Quisp Lover makes a great point. Discipline her for her tactics, not her refusal of breakfast.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:50 AM on October 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Agree with others, breakfast is optional and never an issue. If she has a meltdown over what cereal is on offer: "We have Ooboperoos, if you don't like 'em, don't eat 'em."
If she threatens to not eat unless she gets her way, "Okay, you're not getting your way. Eat or don't. Doesn't affect me."
Trust me, one morning with a grumbly tummy will cure her of this particular threat.
Kids will push you to see how far you'll go. Stand firm on everything and don't negotiate.
Also, food should never be a battleground. No one should have to clean his or her plate, no one should have to eat a food they don't like and no one's food choices should be commented on.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:54 AM on October 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
If she threatens to not eat unless she gets her way, "Okay, you're not getting your way. Eat or don't. Doesn't affect me."
Trust me, one morning with a grumbly tummy will cure her of this particular threat.
Kids will push you to see how far you'll go. Stand firm on everything and don't negotiate.
Also, food should never be a battleground. No one should have to clean his or her plate, no one should have to eat a food they don't like and no one's food choices should be commented on.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:54 AM on October 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Do you eat breakfast as a family in the morning? If not it may help to phase in family breakfasts. If she doesn't want to eat, that's fine, but she'll sit there while the parents eat either way. "Breakfast" is now not the act of eating, but something inevitable that she can't bargain with.
posted by muddgirl at 8:55 AM on October 22, 2014
posted by muddgirl at 8:55 AM on October 22, 2014
Kid: "If I don't get to watch TV, I'm not eating breakfast!"
Parent: "Ok, but know that if you miss breakfast, you might get hungry because lunch isn't for another 4 hours."
Kid: "No I won't! / I don't care!"
Parent: "Ok, well it's your decision."
--kid makes choice--
Later...
Kid: "I'm hungry! Can I have a snack?"
Parent: "We usually do get hungry if we choose to skip a meal. Lunch is in two hours and we're having [delicious thing she loves]. So, I bet you'll have worked up a good appetite by the time lunch is ready." [do not give snack]
Kids can skip a meal; she won't die. It's ok to be hungry sometimes, especially if you know you won't be hungry for very long. Meals are available to her, she can eat them or not eat them.
posted by melissasaurus at 8:55 AM on October 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
Parent: "Ok, but know that if you miss breakfast, you might get hungry because lunch isn't for another 4 hours."
Kid: "No I won't! / I don't care!"
Parent: "Ok, well it's your decision."
--kid makes choice--
Later...
Kid: "I'm hungry! Can I have a snack?"
Parent: "We usually do get hungry if we choose to skip a meal. Lunch is in two hours and we're having [delicious thing she loves]. So, I bet you'll have worked up a good appetite by the time lunch is ready." [do not give snack]
Kids can skip a meal; she won't die. It's ok to be hungry sometimes, especially if you know you won't be hungry for very long. Meals are available to her, she can eat them or not eat them.
posted by melissasaurus at 8:55 AM on October 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
Don't make it a contest of wills. She's found something you worry about so she's using it. Just say OK then. Serve breakfast if she eats she eats if she doesn't she is hungry & grumpy until morning tea time. Skipping breakfast a few times wont' harm her now, learning that food can be used to control people just might.
posted by wwax at 8:56 AM on October 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by wwax at 8:56 AM on October 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you. This all helps. I will focus on the threats, and stop worrying about breakfast (or other meals). I swear I'm usually much better than this (I haven't actually given in to her threats, but I'm sure she can tell I'm taken aback by them), but she found one of my weak points this time.
posted by Area Man at 8:58 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Area Man at 8:58 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
I like Lyn Never's comment the most, I think. It's probably the route I would either take or wish I had taken in hindsight.
posted by Poppa Bear at 9:07 AM on October 22, 2014
posted by Poppa Bear at 9:07 AM on October 22, 2014
I can see why this is tough for you. It sounds like standard 6yo behavior, though. I suggest packing a bar or similar in her schoolbag, don't try to tempt her, don't express regret. You can talk her through the logical consequences but only if you can do so without being upset. She will lose interest in using food as a control mechanism if it doesn't work.
posted by one more robot at 9:10 AM on October 22, 2014
posted by one more robot at 9:10 AM on October 22, 2014
Ooh, I have a 6 year old and a nine year old.
The nine year old is especially prone to wild threats like this. "If you don't [blah] then I'm never going to leave my room again!"
I say, No Problem!
And then pretty soon she comes downstairs, or eats, or whatever it was that she was threatening to not do.
I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by leahwrenn at 9:19 AM on October 22, 2014 [14 favorites]
The nine year old is especially prone to wild threats like this. "If you don't [blah] then I'm never going to leave my room again!"
I say, No Problem!
And then pretty soon she comes downstairs, or eats, or whatever it was that she was threatening to not do.
I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by leahwrenn at 9:19 AM on October 22, 2014 [14 favorites]
Small kids who don't have some serious trauma history will not starve themselves. If she doesn't eat breakfast, ignore her. There is literally no real problem with her skipping breakfast a few times until she figures out that this is not a leverage point at all. Worst case scenario: she's a little crankier that day becuase she's a little hungry. So ignore and wait for this to pass.
Her: "If you don't x, I won't eat breakfast!"
You: "Mmmm." (Continue your morning routine.)
Give this as little attention as possible and wait for it to pass.
posted by latkes at 10:02 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
Her: "If you don't x, I won't eat breakfast!"
You: "Mmmm." (Continue your morning routine.)
Give this as little attention as possible and wait for it to pass.
posted by latkes at 10:02 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
Tell her "if you miss breakfast, we'll have to make sure you eat extra nutritious foods the rest of the day. For lunch and dinner you'll be having [name of healthy food she hates]".
posted by blue_beetle at 10:16 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by blue_beetle at 10:16 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Tell her "OK. You'll probably regret it later when you feel hungry before lunch, though." And then leave it at that.
Your daughter is not going to starve if she doesn't eat breakfast.
She's not going to fail out of school or ruin her life or develop an eating disorder.
She just thinks that your being upset over her not eating breakfast one day = a massive trump card she can use against you. If you're not visibly upset about whether she skips a meal, she won't have that trump card.
I wouldn't threaten any consequences or pay it any mind at all.
posted by Sara C. at 10:25 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your daughter is not going to starve if she doesn't eat breakfast.
She's not going to fail out of school or ruin her life or develop an eating disorder.
She just thinks that your being upset over her not eating breakfast one day = a massive trump card she can use against you. If you're not visibly upset about whether she skips a meal, she won't have that trump card.
I wouldn't threaten any consequences or pay it any mind at all.
posted by Sara C. at 10:25 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Regarding her "threats": ask yourself where she learned to apply that specific kind of logic. Maybe that's something to ease up in general in your family. Waving with dire consequences in an if-then manner is an easy shortcut for parents who want their kids to do, or not do some things, but -well...it does backfire...also at the point that you need to warn your kids for some actual danger, the device may already have grown tired, which isn't so great.
Or she may have picked it up at school, and you simply could say, "not in this house, please."
posted by Namlit at 10:36 AM on October 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Or she may have picked it up at school, and you simply could say, "not in this house, please."
posted by Namlit at 10:36 AM on October 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Eating disorders (which this is not, obviously) are about control, and about people controlling the one area in which they have power.
One way to help assure your daughter is healthy is to make sure she has some control over things in her life other than eating.
posted by amtho at 11:06 AM on October 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
One way to help assure your daughter is healthy is to make sure she has some control over things in her life other than eating.
posted by amtho at 11:06 AM on October 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Don't try to make her eat. Call her bluff. If she gets hungry, she will learn.
You're not caving, which is good. But by showing concern and trying to tempt her to eat, you're still showing her that her threat has power. Take that power away from her.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:16 AM on October 22, 2014
You're not caving, which is good. But by showing concern and trying to tempt her to eat, you're still showing her that her threat has power. Take that power away from her.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:16 AM on October 22, 2014
I agree with J. Wilson. As a parent of two, I've been there.
You and your spouse are the parents and the sooner she realizes that she can't manipulate you, the better it will be for her and you. But, especially her. Threatening is not a way to get your way. Be matter of fact about this when you tell her.
Like: "Well, I'm sorry you won't eat your breakfast unless you can watch TV but that's not going to happen. If you don't want to eat they you don't have to but there will be no snacks or food until lunch. Do you understand what I'm saying?
My girls are now in college and high school. But I've always talked to them in a respectful manner, age appropriate but rational.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 11:44 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
You and your spouse are the parents and the sooner she realizes that she can't manipulate you, the better it will be for her and you. But, especially her. Threatening is not a way to get your way. Be matter of fact about this when you tell her.
Like: "Well, I'm sorry you won't eat your breakfast unless you can watch TV but that's not going to happen. If you don't want to eat they you don't have to but there will be no snacks or food until lunch. Do you understand what I'm saying?
My girls are now in college and high school. But I've always talked to them in a respectful manner, age appropriate but rational.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 11:44 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
So the only problem I can see is that if she's like I was, she stops getting hungry, her blood sugar plummets and food sounds terrible, so the blood sugar thing gets worse and worse. In my case, I would actually black out from it, despite not being a super skinny kid. (Teachers LOVE this!) It took me til high school to figure out that hunger and eating weren't 100% related. What do you do about a kid who really needs food as fuel, regardless of the existence or non existence of hunger pangs? I would feel horribly guilty subjecting her teachers to the irrationality that comes with severely low blood sugar.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:30 PM on October 22, 2014
posted by small_ruminant at 1:30 PM on October 22, 2014
This is not about food. Its about TV or chairs or whatever. So if she threatens not to eat over TV, TV is immeditely banned for the rest of the day. Next two days. Believe me, she will stop. Same with other things.
posted by zia at 2:46 PM on October 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by zia at 2:46 PM on October 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
No child will starve themselves. Time-out for threatening makes sense too.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:03 PM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Sebmojo at 3:03 PM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh ho. My brother used to do this, when he was about the same age. He'd refuse to eat breakfast until he got what he wanted, his father usually capitulated. Then, one day . . . his father left for work early. My mother cooked breakfast, put the food in front of him, and kept repeating, "That's great, eat before school." He didn't; breakfast was over, so she bundled him into the car over tearful protestations that he'd not eaten his breakfast yet, and dropped him off at school. He never did it again.
Stick a granola bar in her bag and drop a note to the teacher that she wouldn't eat breakfast so there's a snack in the bag if she gets droopy. She'll be fine.
posted by mibo at 6:11 PM on October 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Stick a granola bar in her bag and drop a note to the teacher that she wouldn't eat breakfast so there's a snack in the bag if she gets droopy. She'll be fine.
posted by mibo at 6:11 PM on October 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
I really like (and second) Sara C.'s comment.
I don't *think* this is what's going on in your case, but I would like to add that, around the time I was 6 years of age, my dad always used to freak out because he didn't think I was eating enough at breakfast. The truth was that I was eating until I was full and, naturally enough, I didn't want to eat beyond that point.
One day, he got angry after 15, 20, or so minutes of me sitting at the breakfast table and took the rest of the food away and said "ok, we're going to school *NOW*." He tells me that he felt bad about this for a few seconds until he came back into the dining room to see me happy, smiling, and saying "Yeah dad, let's go, I'm ready!"
(YMMV, of course.)
posted by Juffo-Wup at 6:45 PM on October 22, 2014
I don't *think* this is what's going on in your case, but I would like to add that, around the time I was 6 years of age, my dad always used to freak out because he didn't think I was eating enough at breakfast. The truth was that I was eating until I was full and, naturally enough, I didn't want to eat beyond that point.
One day, he got angry after 15, 20, or so minutes of me sitting at the breakfast table and took the rest of the food away and said "ok, we're going to school *NOW*." He tells me that he felt bad about this for a few seconds until he came back into the dining room to see me happy, smiling, and saying "Yeah dad, let's go, I'm ready!"
(YMMV, of course.)
posted by Juffo-Wup at 6:45 PM on October 22, 2014
Actions have consequences. You must allow your daughter to learn this. At this point, she is more likely to end up becoming a manipulative child than to develop an eating disorder. Let her go to school hungry. She'll figure it out eventually.
A true eating disorder develops over time. Please stop worrying about the possibility of her developing something that you can't control and focus more on what you can control, which is allowing her consequences for her actions.
posted by myselfasme at 8:37 PM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
A true eating disorder develops over time. Please stop worrying about the possibility of her developing something that you can't control and focus more on what you can control, which is allowing her consequences for her actions.
posted by myselfasme at 8:37 PM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Let her skip breakfast. She'll be fine. The rumbling tummy will remind her that it was a stupid idea to make the threat, since now she has had no breakfast and didn't get her way either.
I find one of the hardest things about parenting is having to take a hardline approach, and hating it all the while. But you know it's best in the long run. Just make sure you and your wife are on exactly the same page and present a united front when tackling this sort of threat.
If it helps, I've had similar situations, and had to be really strict when it went against my nature to do so in the face of snotty tears. But I was consistent, and determined, and now at ten, my kid is pretty damn well behaved, and that's in spite of having autism. Sometimes they actually want you to show them where the boundaries are.
posted by pootler at 2:13 AM on October 23, 2014
I find one of the hardest things about parenting is having to take a hardline approach, and hating it all the while. But you know it's best in the long run. Just make sure you and your wife are on exactly the same page and present a united front when tackling this sort of threat.
If it helps, I've had similar situations, and had to be really strict when it went against my nature to do so in the face of snotty tears. But I was consistent, and determined, and now at ten, my kid is pretty damn well behaved, and that's in spite of having autism. Sometimes they actually want you to show them where the boundaries are.
posted by pootler at 2:13 AM on October 23, 2014
I agree with other answerers - calmly ignore the threat and enforce bedtime. Don't make a big deal of it. Sympathize - You wish you could stay up and watch Some Show, but it's time for bed. Explain (briefly) It's important for your health to get enough sleep. Jammies on. It sounds like your daughter is testing boundaries and looking for some control of her life. Give her options where possible I'm deciding on broccoli or green beans for dinner - which would you prefer? or even Let's rearrange your room. Where would you like to put the bed? while making it clear that there are some things that are not a choice.
posted by theora55 at 11:18 PM on October 23, 2014
posted by theora55 at 11:18 PM on October 23, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
I have a six-year-old daughter, too. The solution is to show that her not eating breakfast is zero leverage as far as you are concerned.
"Let me stay up late or I won't eat breakfast tomorrow."
"Ok. Go to bed.", as casually as if she had threatened to wear a blue shirt instead of a green shirt if she didn't get her way.
Seriously, just be perfectly casual. No cajoling about "you'll be hungry, sweetie" or tempting her to eat. The worst thing that can happen is she will be hungry before lunch. I am sure she's been hungry before. Skipping breakfast is not a health hazard.
FWIW, my kids usually eat breakfast but sometimes my son skips and we pay it no mind - he's just not hungry some mornings. This is such a trivial thing to make a point of contention, so I am wondering how it became a point of drama. Making a big deal about eating is how you start unhealthy relationships with food, not skipping breakfast. She is only able to make it a big deal because Mom and Dad are.
posted by Tanizaki at 8:40 AM on October 22, 2014 [107 favorites]