What if it doesn't help?
October 22, 2014 2:43 AM Subscribe
This is a sensitive question about childhood sexual abuse and whether to tell or not tell my husband, 25 year after the core of the incidents.
My father, the perpetrator of molestation between 4th and 6th grades, is now dead. My husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years. We've always had a somewhat difficult sexual relationship. He with a lot of sexual energy and me feeling anywhere from tepid to outright panic. It's only in the last couple years that I realized that the triggering moment is actually the approach. Pretty much whenever he has approached it sends me into a panic of shutting down intimacy. Then I can kind of regroup and only when I initiate do I feel comfortable. During sex, I generally have a blast and wonder about the early panic.
Until I had this realization that it was the approach that was triggering, I was fairly comfortable with letting this molestation be in the past. My father never left my life. He was an alcoholic depressive growing up who raged and ruled in fear. He quit the molesting when I told me mom, we went to family therapy and she "kept the family together." It's also only recently that I realized that I never fully told my mom the truth about what was happening. I told just enough to get it out into the open and to get it to stop. Later, off alcohol and out of the very stressful work environment my Dad was in, he turned into more of the sweet, good-natured guy that was at his core. This is the man that my husband met and knows in life. Though he has heard me talk quite a bit about my chaotic childhood – due not just to my father but other siblings – he hasn't heard some of the ugliest stuff including this.
So, anyway, I'm trying to figure out whether now, 25 years later, 20 years into my relationship, if this can come out and help my relationship. Can it make our intimacy better? Is it unwise to broach this topic without a therapist on the line? I'm sort of on the fence as to whether my husband will handle this information in a productive way. He would feel awful for "triggering" me in this way. On the other hand, I don't have any idea how to tell him what wouldn't be a triggering way to approach me for sex.
Can this revelation help us? What do I do with the anger he might feel toward my Mom? I have a young daughter and I have some hidden hyper-vigilance about predators around her. I think I keep it in check and, well, maybe everyone has this about their children these days...? However, I have a plan if anything like this happens to my kid and that plan is loud, relentless and unrepentant. Would I have to be open about this ugly part of my childhood in order to explain my scorched earth policy in regards to my kid?
I don't really want to make the next ten years of my life about childhood sex abuse, you know? But, if you have had positive or negative experiences with this kind of revelation in your close relationships, I'd like to hear them.
My father, the perpetrator of molestation between 4th and 6th grades, is now dead. My husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years. We've always had a somewhat difficult sexual relationship. He with a lot of sexual energy and me feeling anywhere from tepid to outright panic. It's only in the last couple years that I realized that the triggering moment is actually the approach. Pretty much whenever he has approached it sends me into a panic of shutting down intimacy. Then I can kind of regroup and only when I initiate do I feel comfortable. During sex, I generally have a blast and wonder about the early panic.
Until I had this realization that it was the approach that was triggering, I was fairly comfortable with letting this molestation be in the past. My father never left my life. He was an alcoholic depressive growing up who raged and ruled in fear. He quit the molesting when I told me mom, we went to family therapy and she "kept the family together." It's also only recently that I realized that I never fully told my mom the truth about what was happening. I told just enough to get it out into the open and to get it to stop. Later, off alcohol and out of the very stressful work environment my Dad was in, he turned into more of the sweet, good-natured guy that was at his core. This is the man that my husband met and knows in life. Though he has heard me talk quite a bit about my chaotic childhood – due not just to my father but other siblings – he hasn't heard some of the ugliest stuff including this.
So, anyway, I'm trying to figure out whether now, 25 years later, 20 years into my relationship, if this can come out and help my relationship. Can it make our intimacy better? Is it unwise to broach this topic without a therapist on the line? I'm sort of on the fence as to whether my husband will handle this information in a productive way. He would feel awful for "triggering" me in this way. On the other hand, I don't have any idea how to tell him what wouldn't be a triggering way to approach me for sex.
Can this revelation help us? What do I do with the anger he might feel toward my Mom? I have a young daughter and I have some hidden hyper-vigilance about predators around her. I think I keep it in check and, well, maybe everyone has this about their children these days...? However, I have a plan if anything like this happens to my kid and that plan is loud, relentless and unrepentant. Would I have to be open about this ugly part of my childhood in order to explain my scorched earth policy in regards to my kid?
I don't really want to make the next ten years of my life about childhood sex abuse, you know? But, if you have had positive or negative experiences with this kind of revelation in your close relationships, I'd like to hear them.
Could you express to him what he's doing that is triggering you and get him to change his approach, without disclosing the full details, if you're not comfortable with that?
posted by missmagenta at 3:08 AM on October 22, 2014
posted by missmagenta at 3:08 AM on October 22, 2014
Nthing the idea of a therapist to guide you in this process, provide some affirmation when necessary, gentle warnings if your intended approach to this might be problematic and perhaps lend some support to your husband as he enters the loop on these life events.
Congratulations on the insight and your willingness to make your and your husband's life better.
posted by HuronBob at 4:19 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Congratulations on the insight and your willingness to make your and your husband's life better.
posted by HuronBob at 4:19 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't go for the 'see a therapist' line normally, but for you I will make an exception.
It needs to be dealt with, because of your ongoing difficulties. I think that you need to consult a professional about, firstly, how to bring your husband into this, and secondly, how to process the old abuse issues so that you (and he) can put them behind you. If I was your husband, this would be A Big Deal. Leaving aside his feelings of outrage and sympathy for you, he has had a (good?) relationship with your father as he is in later life, and this will be a shock to him, and part of that will be about this man who he knows as 'sweet good natured", and part will be about you keeping this secret from him. I don't know you or your husband, but I am confident this can be dealt with, even if it is with some difficulty.
I understand your protectiveness about your daughter, and think that your 'scorched earth' response would require no explanation beyond the obvious - but hey, don't borrow trouble, nothing has happened to her and probably never will - we all hope for that for you and her.
You mention your husband's possible anger to your mother - I think you need to start thinking about telling your husband (and daughter?) as spelling the end of your current relationship with your parents. There may be a new one, but it will be (probably very) different to what you currently have. I can't predict your husband's reaction, but I know what mine would be, to both - though therapy may moderate this reaction.
Your life lies in front of you, and it will be affected if old wounds are allowed to fester untended. Pain will be involved in proceeding to address them, but after that I'm sure you will have a better and more untroubled life and relationship with your husband.
I wish you and your husband and daughter well for this journey.
posted by GeeEmm at 4:41 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
It needs to be dealt with, because of your ongoing difficulties. I think that you need to consult a professional about, firstly, how to bring your husband into this, and secondly, how to process the old abuse issues so that you (and he) can put them behind you. If I was your husband, this would be A Big Deal. Leaving aside his feelings of outrage and sympathy for you, he has had a (good?) relationship with your father as he is in later life, and this will be a shock to him, and part of that will be about this man who he knows as 'sweet good natured", and part will be about you keeping this secret from him. I don't know you or your husband, but I am confident this can be dealt with, even if it is with some difficulty.
I understand your protectiveness about your daughter, and think that your 'scorched earth' response would require no explanation beyond the obvious - but hey, don't borrow trouble, nothing has happened to her and probably never will - we all hope for that for you and her.
You mention your husband's possible anger to your mother - I think you need to start thinking about telling your husband (and daughter?) as spelling the end of your current relationship with your parents. There may be a new one, but it will be (probably very) different to what you currently have. I can't predict your husband's reaction, but I know what mine would be, to both - though therapy may moderate this reaction.
Your life lies in front of you, and it will be affected if old wounds are allowed to fester untended. Pain will be involved in proceeding to address them, but after that I'm sure you will have a better and more untroubled life and relationship with your husband.
I wish you and your husband and daughter well for this journey.
posted by GeeEmm at 4:41 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
It strikes me as vastly wiser to have a therapist to work with you even if you ultimately choose not to tell anyone about this aspect of your past than to forgo entirely the various benefits private therapy could have for you alone just because you've dealt with it by yourself for so long. And it just seems smart to have a professional to help guide you in what will definitely be an emotional thicket if you do choose to tell anyone.
I'm related to some people with similar sounding past problems and in their case, the person who loved the person who had been molested was really conflicted but felt much better because they knew their loved one had a good therapist who could help in ways that they could not.
I also think that there are ways to communicate your bedroom realization to him without having to disclose all the details, both because it sounds like you have a pretty solid relationship and he might sense your need for personal privacy in this, and because an aggressive and eager approach is a pretty rational thing for any human (especially women) to be a little wires-crossed about. But this is something a therapist can help you find language for.
posted by Mizu at 5:03 AM on October 22, 2014
I'm related to some people with similar sounding past problems and in their case, the person who loved the person who had been molested was really conflicted but felt much better because they knew their loved one had a good therapist who could help in ways that they could not.
I also think that there are ways to communicate your bedroom realization to him without having to disclose all the details, both because it sounds like you have a pretty solid relationship and he might sense your need for personal privacy in this, and because an aggressive and eager approach is a pretty rational thing for any human (especially women) to be a little wires-crossed about. But this is something a therapist can help you find language for.
posted by Mizu at 5:03 AM on October 22, 2014
Whether it helps or not, keeping large secrets in a marriage is rarely a good idea. My then husband spilled the beans about his terrible family secrets several years into our marriage. I was relieved that he did because it explained a lot about him and his family. At the same time, it gave me a lot to deal with. I had to be supportive of him, keep his secret, and not have anyone to talk to about what I was going through. The marriage ended for different reasons, by the way. We didn't have a strong base and he had lied to me about most everything. I think the molestation might have been his first truth to me. Any way, depending on your relationship with your husband, you may want to bring a therapist in to help with this.
As far as the 'approach' issue, try to avoid telling your husband that the way he comes on to you triggers memories. Instead, phrase it more like this;
Dear, I think that we would both enjoy sex more if I were relaxed. If I promise to grab you at least twice a week, can we assume that you always want it and let me be the one who starts it up? This little bit of control will help me relax, I think."
posted by myselfasme at 6:05 AM on October 22, 2014
As far as the 'approach' issue, try to avoid telling your husband that the way he comes on to you triggers memories. Instead, phrase it more like this;
Dear, I think that we would both enjoy sex more if I were relaxed. If I promise to grab you at least twice a week, can we assume that you always want it and let me be the one who starts it up? This little bit of control will help me relax, I think."
posted by myselfasme at 6:05 AM on October 22, 2014
If I were your partner, I'd want to know about this. It's something that's on your mind and I can't help thinking that holding it back is creating some distance. Not that I blame you for not bringing it up earlier, but now it's on your mind I think it's a good idea to consider going forward with it. I agree with everyone else that you should enlist a therapist. For one thing, your husband's reaction may be not what you expect and not immediately what you hoped-- it may be more about him initially than you would think.
One approach to this might be, "I am the adult child of an alcoholic," with all that that involves, and maybe get some help just on that basis. A big part of that is keeping secrets, and I would wonder if you are keeping back this information because you are still behaving according to that conditioning. You could explore the whole thing about what information you share, and what information you keep back, and how it affects your relationships today. You could do this, maybe, without putting any pressure on yourself to decide about this one bit of information right now.
posted by BibiRose at 6:11 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
One approach to this might be, "I am the adult child of an alcoholic," with all that that involves, and maybe get some help just on that basis. A big part of that is keeping secrets, and I would wonder if you are keeping back this information because you are still behaving according to that conditioning. You could explore the whole thing about what information you share, and what information you keep back, and how it affects your relationships today. You could do this, maybe, without putting any pressure on yourself to decide about this one bit of information right now.
posted by BibiRose at 6:11 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
Depending on where you live, there may also be a local rape crisis center that can help you with decision-making, at least at first. If you're in the US, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE and they'll automatically route your call to the nearest crisis center. You could call and ask if they have counseling or other resources for adults molested as children -- you don't even need to disclose right away what you went through, just find out if they can help. Many centers have short-term crisis counseling or therapy for survivors of childhood abuse, or can at least recommend local therapists with some expertise in helping survivors. If you're comfortable with the person on the phone, they may also be able to help you work through how and whether and when to tell your husband.
I would encourage you to think about how you may be pushing aside your own needs right now in order to protect the other people in your life (husband, mother, father). That's a pattern that's very common among sexual abuse survivors, and it's one that a therapist could be helpful in shifting. You deserve to be able to express your needs and your feelings without worrying other people will fall apart if you do.
posted by jaguar at 6:37 AM on October 22, 2014 [6 favorites]
I would encourage you to think about how you may be pushing aside your own needs right now in order to protect the other people in your life (husband, mother, father). That's a pattern that's very common among sexual abuse survivors, and it's one that a therapist could be helpful in shifting. You deserve to be able to express your needs and your feelings without worrying other people will fall apart if you do.
posted by jaguar at 6:37 AM on October 22, 2014 [6 favorites]
Wow, you are an amazing survivor and it's incredible you've built stable and functional relationships despite the backdrop of damaging abuse. You are one of the "super kids" who thrive even in the face of terrible circumstances. Please take a moment every day to remind yourself how exceptional you are.
I'm not a Western male and thus not socialized as such, but I imagine your partner will weep for your pain and wish to eradicate it and not be able to do so. That's the only thing I think would hurt him. The whole "men gotta fix" and are paralyzed when they cannot. I'm sure all of the posters above are right that a therapist can help you prepare and maybe him process, but I would want to be told one-on-one, personally. Not in a situation where a therapist was gauging my reaction (or there was a possibility that I'd perceive that a third party was assessing my reaction).
I cannot imagine that he would have anything but massive respect for you and it seems it would be a relief to understand that you, indeed, want him and desire him and any approach hesitation is past conditioning.
My sincerest good thoughts to you.
posted by Punctual at 6:52 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm not a Western male and thus not socialized as such, but I imagine your partner will weep for your pain and wish to eradicate it and not be able to do so. That's the only thing I think would hurt him. The whole "men gotta fix" and are paralyzed when they cannot. I'm sure all of the posters above are right that a therapist can help you prepare and maybe him process, but I would want to be told one-on-one, personally. Not in a situation where a therapist was gauging my reaction (or there was a possibility that I'd perceive that a third party was assessing my reaction).
I cannot imagine that he would have anything but massive respect for you and it seems it would be a relief to understand that you, indeed, want him and desire him and any approach hesitation is past conditioning.
My sincerest good thoughts to you.
posted by Punctual at 6:52 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
Given the apparent strength of your marriage and your life so far, telling at least some of this history is probably the best course.
However, you are entitled to your privacy. If you want to keep this in the past and work on your sexual issue without providing explicit details to your husband, you can do so.
You own your own life. No one needs to know anything you would like to keep private.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:52 AM on October 22, 2014
However, you are entitled to your privacy. If you want to keep this in the past and work on your sexual issue without providing explicit details to your husband, you can do so.
You own your own life. No one needs to know anything you would like to keep private.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:52 AM on October 22, 2014
Be prepared for your husband to be very angry at your dad. So yeah, you want to do this with a therapist present. How to get your husband to a therapist without telling him why seems to be the hardest part. Maybe you could call around and find one who'd make a house call?
posted by Mr. Yuck at 7:05 AM on October 22, 2014
posted by Mr. Yuck at 7:05 AM on October 22, 2014
If you were my spouse, I would want to know.
It has been my experience that men, generally, want something that they can do to help in situations like this. If there is some action that he can take that will help you deal with your feelings or your relationship, tell him. That might just be asking him to listen to you talk about it or it might be asking him to come to therapy with you. Myselfasme's suggestion above is another great example. It should help him feel less anxiety which will help you feel less anxiety.
posted by VTX at 7:12 AM on October 22, 2014
It has been my experience that men, generally, want something that they can do to help in situations like this. If there is some action that he can take that will help you deal with your feelings or your relationship, tell him. That might just be asking him to listen to you talk about it or it might be asking him to come to therapy with you. Myselfasme's suggestion above is another great example. It should help him feel less anxiety which will help you feel less anxiety.
posted by VTX at 7:12 AM on October 22, 2014
You've lived a long time bearing this burden. I think you are entitled to cast it aside. It will be a long and probably difficult process, but so worth it. But not ten years. Probably a year of intense work with the right therapist will make a world of difference in your life. In any case, the next ten years of your life will be about the abuse if you *don't* do the work. Your life is about the abuse right now, because it infects so many aspects of your behavior. As your daughter approaches the age where the abuse happened for you, and when she starts receiving male attention, the day to day of her life is probably going to be full of powerful triggers for you. You can be so much stronger for her if you have processed and worked through this stuff.
With regards to sex, by the way, you can figure that out in therapy, but one suggestion is to let you control the approach for a while. As in, you and your husband agree that you alone are allowed to escalate, and you only do it when you feel comfortable. Not forever, but for a while. And maybe that means sex as you know it right now gets put aside for a little while and you focus on the feelings that are coming up during the initial stages, but that can be totally fine, if you and your husband are able to communicate about this.
posted by PercussivePaul at 7:43 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
With regards to sex, by the way, you can figure that out in therapy, but one suggestion is to let you control the approach for a while. As in, you and your husband agree that you alone are allowed to escalate, and you only do it when you feel comfortable. Not forever, but for a while. And maybe that means sex as you know it right now gets put aside for a little while and you focus on the feelings that are coming up during the initial stages, but that can be totally fine, if you and your husband are able to communicate about this.
posted by PercussivePaul at 7:43 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like a therapist would be helpful but I would caution against trying to get your husband into an office without any context first... If my husband tried to herd me to a therapist's office without telling me why first I would be alarmed and furious. You could tell him that you need to talk some stuff out with him about your childhood and you need his help, but it's hard and painful and so you want to do it with a therapist present.
What a rotten thing to have had to deal with, and good for you for overcoming it the way you have.
By the way, as someone said above, be prepared for your husband to be unable to continue relating to your mother in a familial way. You asked what to do about that anger… and I think the answer is that you need to recognize, if it comes, that it's legitimate and grows out of love for you. Good luck!
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:13 AM on October 22, 2014
What a rotten thing to have had to deal with, and good for you for overcoming it the way you have.
By the way, as someone said above, be prepared for your husband to be unable to continue relating to your mother in a familial way. You asked what to do about that anger… and I think the answer is that you need to recognize, if it comes, that it's legitimate and grows out of love for you. Good luck!
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:13 AM on October 22, 2014
It is totally fine to talk to a therapist on your own and tell your husband on your own (that is, not in front of a therapist), too. Most of the clients I've worked with on childhood sexual abuse have disclosed the abuse to their partners privately.
posted by jaguar at 8:17 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by jaguar at 8:17 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have some similar experiences, not exactly the same but also with sexual abuse and my parents presenting differently to my husband than they did to me when I was a child. You really should see a therapist alone first, it may take a couple tries to find one that you connect with and trust enough to discuss the details/feelings openly with, but there will be one out there.
Your therapist can help you process your feelings towards your mother, your worries about your daughter (which are totally expected, understandable and normal) and your triggering issues with your husband (also expected, understandable and normal). When you and your therapist agree the time is right, they will help you talk to your husband about this and help him understand his feelings and reactions. It would not be unexpected for him to be advised to get some individual therapy himself once he knows.
My husband says regularly that he just can't believe the woman I talk about as my mom is the same woman he knows as my mom. He does see some glimpses of it here and there but overall she presents very differently to him and most people than she behaved at home when I was a kid. It was definitely an adjustment for him and he still doesn't understand it, but he's able to accept it.
Please please feel free to memail me if you want/need more specifics on how we handled it in our marriage. Best of luck and big huge enormous hugs to you.
posted by hollygoheavy at 8:21 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your therapist can help you process your feelings towards your mother, your worries about your daughter (which are totally expected, understandable and normal) and your triggering issues with your husband (also expected, understandable and normal). When you and your therapist agree the time is right, they will help you talk to your husband about this and help him understand his feelings and reactions. It would not be unexpected for him to be advised to get some individual therapy himself once he knows.
My husband says regularly that he just can't believe the woman I talk about as my mom is the same woman he knows as my mom. He does see some glimpses of it here and there but overall she presents very differently to him and most people than she behaved at home when I was a kid. It was definitely an adjustment for him and he still doesn't understand it, but he's able to accept it.
Please please feel free to memail me if you want/need more specifics on how we handled it in our marriage. Best of luck and big huge enormous hugs to you.
posted by hollygoheavy at 8:21 AM on October 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
After reading jaguar's post, I agree it doesn't have to be a conversation including your therapist. Your therapist can help you prepare for it and be supportive before and afterwards if you think it's best to do it without them.
posted by hollygoheavy at 8:23 AM on October 22, 2014
posted by hollygoheavy at 8:23 AM on October 22, 2014
A thought to add, since it seems germane--I think because so many of us deal with these painful things privately, it can be hard to realize just how common it is for people well into adulthood to be unpacking the effects of earlier life experiences. You are definitely NOT alone in getting to a point where you are understanding and reconsidering things about yourself, your life, your marriage, decades into your marriage.
So, absolutely, if you think that working through some of this very painful history will have a positive impact on your parenting and your marriage, then yes, it'll be worth the effort. A point to consider: if the abuse you were subject to is still having a presence, an effect on your life now, many years later, it hasn't gone away or worked itself out yet. If you don't examine what's there and expressly focus on it, those impacts aren't likely to just disappear, and they can be with you for a long time to come. "Ignore it and it'll go away" is a really tempting idea but this kind of stuff doesn't seem to really work that way.
I'm sorry you had that horrible experience. You seem really brave and loving, to yourself and your husband and child. I wish you luck, whatever you choose to do.
posted by Sublimity at 8:56 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
So, absolutely, if you think that working through some of this very painful history will have a positive impact on your parenting and your marriage, then yes, it'll be worth the effort. A point to consider: if the abuse you were subject to is still having a presence, an effect on your life now, many years later, it hasn't gone away or worked itself out yet. If you don't examine what's there and expressly focus on it, those impacts aren't likely to just disappear, and they can be with you for a long time to come. "Ignore it and it'll go away" is a really tempting idea but this kind of stuff doesn't seem to really work that way.
I'm sorry you had that horrible experience. You seem really brave and loving, to yourself and your husband and child. I wish you luck, whatever you choose to do.
posted by Sublimity at 8:56 AM on October 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
Sublimity speaks volumes of wisdom. OP, you are strong, but sometimes it's ok to be vulnerable and understand that this is something you have to do for yourself and you can lean on your husband when you believe you are both ready. It's easier if you tell him little snippets of the past and slowly work up your courage to have a heart-to-heart with him about your experiences. It's a lot to handle all at once and he may not know how to deal especially if he hasn't heard anything about this from you before after being married for so long. OP, if it's still haunting you, it's ok to realize that you're ready to process the emotions you couldn't when you were younger and that you have a support system in place now that will guide you in your path to healing.
How to Be an Adult in Relationships is a book that has helped me begin the unpacking process and clear out the skeletons in my closet so to speak. It's a preemptive measure to ready and prepare myself emotionally before I can take on the challenge of finding a therapist that will help and that I can trust and relate to. Everyone's journey in life is different, but you have a solid marriage and a great foundation to begin this healing. You are so brave for taking this step and there is a bright future waiting for you and your family once you have put this pain to rest. Do not protect your father's "memory" because you don't want to tarnish your husband's view of him. Protect yourself. Your husband will understand as much as he can, but ultimately, your feelings are of paramount importance. Love and light.
posted by lunastellasol at 11:43 AM on October 22, 2014
How to Be an Adult in Relationships is a book that has helped me begin the unpacking process and clear out the skeletons in my closet so to speak. It's a preemptive measure to ready and prepare myself emotionally before I can take on the challenge of finding a therapist that will help and that I can trust and relate to. Everyone's journey in life is different, but you have a solid marriage and a great foundation to begin this healing. You are so brave for taking this step and there is a bright future waiting for you and your family once you have put this pain to rest. Do not protect your father's "memory" because you don't want to tarnish your husband's view of him. Protect yourself. Your husband will understand as much as he can, but ultimately, your feelings are of paramount importance. Love and light.
posted by lunastellasol at 11:43 AM on October 22, 2014
I don't think you should carry this burden alone. He may have some insight that would help you work through it. If you think that he hasn't sensed your nervousness (during the beginning of sex) then I think you're wrong. After 20 years of being together he knows your reactions/feelings/queues without you having to say anything. He might be thinking there is something wrong with him, and just hasn't found a way to approach the issue with you.
If you tell him he may be upset at first but I think it will vastly increase your intimacy and your relationship will come out stronger in the end.
Another note - in kind of a morbid way it will sproose things up, imagine things from his side and how he will look at you after he finds out, he will have an instinct to protect you and take care of you. You may have the best sex of your life!
Good Luck! :)
posted by justblue22 at 5:46 PM on October 22, 2014
If you tell him he may be upset at first but I think it will vastly increase your intimacy and your relationship will come out stronger in the end.
Another note - in kind of a morbid way it will sproose things up, imagine things from his side and how he will look at you after he finds out, he will have an instinct to protect you and take care of you. You may have the best sex of your life!
Good Luck! :)
posted by justblue22 at 5:46 PM on October 22, 2014
I was in this situation, but I was the husband. We were married 15 years before she told me. B33j is correct that my response probably disappointed my now ex-wife. She waited to tell me, waited to get help, until things in our marriage were really bad, until I was ready to leave. I tried for almost 2 more years to reconnect, but I was unable.
My questions to you are:
1) Why did you have this revelation, what brought it on? In my case, her revelation was because the marriage was in trouble, and she was trying desperately to save it. But at that point it was too late.
2) What are you hoping to get out of this? What is the desired result? You ask if it can make your intimacy better or help you. How? More frequent sex? Better sex? Cuddling? Better emotional understanding?
3) Are you ready for your husband to be angry with you for not telling him?
I waited to post this, because it looks like I'm attacking the victim, but he has a right to be angry with you. Metafilter likes to claim that your partner doesn't "owe" you anything, but that's not true. They owe you love and compassion. Everyone wants to feel desired and desirable, and it's our partners who owe that to us, to make us feel valued. And since your husband has "a lot of sexual energy", I'm guessing physical touch is one of his love languages. Let me tell you, having a partner that recoils from your touch for 20 years really fucks with your head and can really make a man feel unloved. And when it's not something you did and you don't even understand why, that makes it so much worse. Why did you wait 2 decades to decide to work on this? You didn't think your husbands needs were important?
Your question is very focused on you. What is your husband getting out of this? Are you a good wife? Do you love him? More importantly, do you make him feel loved? I'm guessing you don't. Can you fix that? How? That's your job to figure out, not his.
I'm sorry to be harsh with you. This is admittedly a sensitive subject with me. It goes a lot deeper for me, but I'm trying not to project that on you. Memail me if you want details though, or if I can help or offer advice.
posted by I am the Walrus at 1:42 PM on October 23, 2014
My questions to you are:
1) Why did you have this revelation, what brought it on? In my case, her revelation was because the marriage was in trouble, and she was trying desperately to save it. But at that point it was too late.
2) What are you hoping to get out of this? What is the desired result? You ask if it can make your intimacy better or help you. How? More frequent sex? Better sex? Cuddling? Better emotional understanding?
3) Are you ready for your husband to be angry with you for not telling him?
I waited to post this, because it looks like I'm attacking the victim, but he has a right to be angry with you. Metafilter likes to claim that your partner doesn't "owe" you anything, but that's not true. They owe you love and compassion. Everyone wants to feel desired and desirable, and it's our partners who owe that to us, to make us feel valued. And since your husband has "a lot of sexual energy", I'm guessing physical touch is one of his love languages. Let me tell you, having a partner that recoils from your touch for 20 years really fucks with your head and can really make a man feel unloved. And when it's not something you did and you don't even understand why, that makes it so much worse. Why did you wait 2 decades to decide to work on this? You didn't think your husbands needs were important?
Your question is very focused on you. What is your husband getting out of this? Are you a good wife? Do you love him? More importantly, do you make him feel loved? I'm guessing you don't. Can you fix that? How? That's your job to figure out, not his.
I'm sorry to be harsh with you. This is admittedly a sensitive subject with me. It goes a lot deeper for me, but I'm trying not to project that on you. Memail me if you want details though, or if I can help or offer advice.
posted by I am the Walrus at 1:42 PM on October 23, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by b33j at 2:59 AM on October 22, 2014 [6 favorites]