Helping my mum cope with my father's death
October 1, 2014 4:59 AM Subscribe
My father passed away two days ago of a sudden heart attack. I'm in my late twenties and wondering how to go about supporting my mother through this nightmare.
The last year my father was very very ill, but while the illness was torture of the worst kind, it wasn't something that would kill him. He also had heart trouble, though, and had had a major bypass surgery four years ago. The day before yesterday he was walking down to the shop around the corner, had a cardiac arrest, fell, and passed away instantly. It was a complete shock to all of us, and only my mother was at home when it happened. He wasn't even 60.
My mother can't imagine life without him. They had a wonderful marriage and he was this big rock of unconditional gentle love and support. I'm already seeing her try to deal with this in three ways:
a) to grieve, remember the good times, miss him unbearably, cry, want him back. Often this comes with the 'what ifs'. What if we'd got a surgery done—would his illness have gotten better and prevented the heart attack. Etc.
b) since they both were lifelong meditators and believers of buddhist principles, to try to get herself to stay in the moment, not be attached, mildly berate herself for being so attached.
c) to get busy with other things so her mind's off it, to escape.
Different people encourage her to do different things. Some say she shouldn't cry, some say she should grieve my father, some say she should do a meditation retreat very soon, some say she should visit her sister and father who are in a different city—her father is very ill and probably on his deathbed and her sister can't come down to be with my mum because of that. She will of course make her own decisions, but what my brother and I say will definitely hold a lot of weight.
My brother will live at home indefinitely; my husband and I live in a different city and are wondering how long we should stay. Perhaps two weeks to begin with?
My tendency is to encourage her to grieve as fully as she can or wants to now instead of trying to hold back or distract herself or get out of it. But perhaps she doesn't really want to roll in the sorrow. If she resists it now, will it buid up in some deep dark place in her and haunt her all her life? I'm all confused and I feel absolutely horrible for her—I don't know how she's ever going to be happy with this big hole in her life. All input and advice is appreciated.
The last year my father was very very ill, but while the illness was torture of the worst kind, it wasn't something that would kill him. He also had heart trouble, though, and had had a major bypass surgery four years ago. The day before yesterday he was walking down to the shop around the corner, had a cardiac arrest, fell, and passed away instantly. It was a complete shock to all of us, and only my mother was at home when it happened. He wasn't even 60.
My mother can't imagine life without him. They had a wonderful marriage and he was this big rock of unconditional gentle love and support. I'm already seeing her try to deal with this in three ways:
a) to grieve, remember the good times, miss him unbearably, cry, want him back. Often this comes with the 'what ifs'. What if we'd got a surgery done—would his illness have gotten better and prevented the heart attack. Etc.
b) since they both were lifelong meditators and believers of buddhist principles, to try to get herself to stay in the moment, not be attached, mildly berate herself for being so attached.
c) to get busy with other things so her mind's off it, to escape.
Different people encourage her to do different things. Some say she shouldn't cry, some say she should grieve my father, some say she should do a meditation retreat very soon, some say she should visit her sister and father who are in a different city—her father is very ill and probably on his deathbed and her sister can't come down to be with my mum because of that. She will of course make her own decisions, but what my brother and I say will definitely hold a lot of weight.
My brother will live at home indefinitely; my husband and I live in a different city and are wondering how long we should stay. Perhaps two weeks to begin with?
My tendency is to encourage her to grieve as fully as she can or wants to now instead of trying to hold back or distract herself or get out of it. But perhaps she doesn't really want to roll in the sorrow. If she resists it now, will it buid up in some deep dark place in her and haunt her all her life? I'm all confused and I feel absolutely horrible for her—I don't know how she's ever going to be happy with this big hole in her life. All input and advice is appreciated.
Has she done a Buddhist death ritual at her temple for him? It's called a Powa and it's very powerful. It is prayers on behalf of the dead for fortunate rebirth and so that they may meet Buddha for one on one teachings. There is a part where they burn a little piece of paper and it's very sad and releasing.
Otherwise tell her to ignore those people who say don't cry! We've had death ceremonies at my temple and the monk never says such nonsense. He lets people say any kind of "what if" and weep or whatever. He says don't stuff feelings down, acknowledge them mindfully. If she's meditating to feel them, great! Maybe ask her what the retreat would do for her. You can me mail me if you want (I study this stuff).
I am so sorry for both you and your mom for your loss. Hugs through the internet.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:12 AM on October 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
Otherwise tell her to ignore those people who say don't cry! We've had death ceremonies at my temple and the monk never says such nonsense. He lets people say any kind of "what if" and weep or whatever. He says don't stuff feelings down, acknowledge them mindfully. If she's meditating to feel them, great! Maybe ask her what the retreat would do for her. You can me mail me if you want (I study this stuff).
I am so sorry for both you and your mom for your loss. Hugs through the internet.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:12 AM on October 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
My mother-in-law got a lot of help from two things: I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can and what she calls "Grief Gals," which is a group of other widows (I don't know whether it's a large-scale organized thing).
Mostly, be there for her. Don't ask her what you can do -- just do things, or at least suggest things. It's easier for her to deal with "Do you want to go to that Chinese place you like?" than "Where do you want to go to dinner?" or "Should we go out for dinner tonight?"
posted by Etrigan at 5:12 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
Mostly, be there for her. Don't ask her what you can do -- just do things, or at least suggest things. It's easier for her to deal with "Do you want to go to that Chinese place you like?" than "Where do you want to go to dinner?" or "Should we go out for dinner tonight?"
posted by Etrigan at 5:12 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
Let her be. Grief is complicated and has no timeline.
Remember grief doesn't end when the funeral is over. She most likely is going to need lots of help 2 and 3 weeks from now and most of the people in her life aren't going to be around to help Her. It may be better to plan to visit her then.
Of course ask her what she needs. And listen.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:18 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
Remember grief doesn't end when the funeral is over. She most likely is going to need lots of help 2 and 3 weeks from now and most of the people in her life aren't going to be around to help Her. It may be better to plan to visit her then.
Of course ask her what she needs. And listen.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:18 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: One little clarification. She isn't a religious Buddhist but a nearly life-long Vipassana practitioner. The funeral was just a simple group meditation sitting and no religious ceremony. She has a nice community of fellow Vipassana meditators who offer support but also sometimes try to get her not to cry and grieve, etc.
posted by miaow at 5:19 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by miaow at 5:19 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
There's no one right way to grieve. It's a painful, messy process, and there's going to be lots of despair and anger no matter what anybody does.
I understand why you're worrying about your mom, but all you can do is offer to be there for her, and help her in the ways she's OK with you helping. You can run errands for her, hug her and make soup for her, be there to talk about dad if that's what she needs to do at 2 AM some night. But mostly you're stuck watching her get through this. It sucks. Grieving sucks.
And the people who love you, including your mom, are in the same boat regarding your own grieving. There may be times when you have to be strong for your mom. But you're entitled to fall apart sometimes too. Your mom lost her husband, and you lost your daddy. You are going through something huge here, and right now anything you feel, no matter how weird or petty or mean or shitty, is OK to feel. Many, many people have felt the same weird, scary, confusing shit before. If you feel like a bad person or like you're going crazy, that is not rare. Even the best, sanest people question themselves in times like this.
I know this will be small consolation at best, but the silver lining of dying suddenly and relatively young is that it spares him and everybody he loves the potential agony of a long, slow decline. I'm here to tell you, there are things in life worse than a sudden death. He had a rough year, and now he's suddenly gone and that's so cruel and I am sorry. But he didn't have to spend years watching his mind and body fall apart, and nobody who loved him had to watch him slowly, slowly fade away, always almost dead, but never quite getting there.
I'm sorry, that sounds so grim, when I type it out. But it's grim stuff.
Try to remember the good times. That's the stuff that matters.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:30 AM on October 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
I understand why you're worrying about your mom, but all you can do is offer to be there for her, and help her in the ways she's OK with you helping. You can run errands for her, hug her and make soup for her, be there to talk about dad if that's what she needs to do at 2 AM some night. But mostly you're stuck watching her get through this. It sucks. Grieving sucks.
And the people who love you, including your mom, are in the same boat regarding your own grieving. There may be times when you have to be strong for your mom. But you're entitled to fall apart sometimes too. Your mom lost her husband, and you lost your daddy. You are going through something huge here, and right now anything you feel, no matter how weird or petty or mean or shitty, is OK to feel. Many, many people have felt the same weird, scary, confusing shit before. If you feel like a bad person or like you're going crazy, that is not rare. Even the best, sanest people question themselves in times like this.
I know this will be small consolation at best, but the silver lining of dying suddenly and relatively young is that it spares him and everybody he loves the potential agony of a long, slow decline. I'm here to tell you, there are things in life worse than a sudden death. He had a rough year, and now he's suddenly gone and that's so cruel and I am sorry. But he didn't have to spend years watching his mind and body fall apart, and nobody who loved him had to watch him slowly, slowly fade away, always almost dead, but never quite getting there.
I'm sorry, that sounds so grim, when I type it out. But it's grim stuff.
Try to remember the good times. That's the stuff that matters.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:30 AM on October 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I am glad your mother has you to look out for her; do take care of yourself as well during this time as best as possible. If you are not able to be strong all the time that's ok and frankly expected and your mother will not hold it against you for any meaningful length of time.
She will probably cycle through those three stages a lot and have some random reactions as well, especially at first, it's the most emotionally jarring thing to deal with and people will react both predictably and strangely at times.
Honestly, I think you can best serve her by just being with her as long as possible and not pressuring her to do anything in particularly, making sure that her basic needs are met (food water etc) and fending off people with various well-meaning but ill-conceived suggestions. Humour her requests unless they are actively self-destructive or harming you--if she wants to talk about your dad and you're up for it, do that. If she wants to just sob, sit with her. If she wants to be distracted try and do that for a bit until it doesn't work anymore.
Regarding ever being happy: she probably won't feel truly content for a long, long time and these wounds don't really "heal." But over time, small happy feelings will happen sporadically and hopefully will increase as time goes on and eventually she'll be able to feel happy and reach a new baseline and hopefully many new wonderful, unrelated things will happen for her as well. After she has some distance from the death, I'm sure she will be able to think of the wonderful marriage she had and it will give her strength but that might not be for awhile naturally.
I wish the best for you, your mother, and your family. Try to stay as long as you can though, as work and other things permit.
posted by hejrat at 5:42 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
She will probably cycle through those three stages a lot and have some random reactions as well, especially at first, it's the most emotionally jarring thing to deal with and people will react both predictably and strangely at times.
Honestly, I think you can best serve her by just being with her as long as possible and not pressuring her to do anything in particularly, making sure that her basic needs are met (food water etc) and fending off people with various well-meaning but ill-conceived suggestions. Humour her requests unless they are actively self-destructive or harming you--if she wants to talk about your dad and you're up for it, do that. If she wants to just sob, sit with her. If she wants to be distracted try and do that for a bit until it doesn't work anymore.
Regarding ever being happy: she probably won't feel truly content for a long, long time and these wounds don't really "heal." But over time, small happy feelings will happen sporadically and hopefully will increase as time goes on and eventually she'll be able to feel happy and reach a new baseline and hopefully many new wonderful, unrelated things will happen for her as well. After she has some distance from the death, I'm sure she will be able to think of the wonderful marriage she had and it will give her strength but that might not be for awhile naturally.
I wish the best for you, your mother, and your family. Try to stay as long as you can though, as work and other things permit.
posted by hejrat at 5:42 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
All of you should be doing whatever the hell you feel right now because it's been two days. You are in shock. This is normal. People who are telling her or you to not cry or grieve or dwell may mean well but they can go jump in a lake. I might've hit someone if they'd said that to me two days after my mom died.
Nthing asking her if she wants [specific thing] done, or to eat, or place to go. I was completely fuzzed out in this period, and it was much easier if someone asked me if I needed them to get milk or cat food or other named thing at the store than if they asked me in a more open-ended way.
posted by rtha at 5:42 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
Nthing asking her if she wants [specific thing] done, or to eat, or place to go. I was completely fuzzed out in this period, and it was much easier if someone asked me if I needed them to get milk or cat food or other named thing at the store than if they asked me in a more open-ended way.
posted by rtha at 5:42 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry for your loss. Take time for yourself to grieve. It takes at least 6 months before life starts to feel normal again. Encourage her to not listen to anyone's advice. How she grieves is how she grieves. Discourage her from making any major decisions before the 6 months are up but don't keep her from going on any trips that she can afford to go on. You may have to help her with her finances and setting up a budget. And don't stay for 2 weeks. Go home and plan on going back for many visits.
posted by myselfasme at 5:47 AM on October 1, 2014
posted by myselfasme at 5:47 AM on October 1, 2014
I think it's good to stay strong, but it's good to cry together as well. So perhaps...don't try to hide your grief from your mom in order to help her.
And be patient if she lashes out in anger.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:50 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
And be patient if she lashes out in anger.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:50 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
The way I'm coping with the loss of my mother is simply to let my feelings happen. It has been three months, and it's no easier yet: some days, I think of my mom first, last, and in-between; other days, I am fine. The worst is when you catch yourself thinking "I should call her, I haven't talked to her in a while," or something along those lines; but I am finding that the acute reaction is becoming less intense with time.
All you can do is be there. There is no comfort you can offer beyond that. Hug when she needs it, talk when she wants to, cry together when you feel it.
posted by sonic meat machine at 6:17 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
All you can do is be there. There is no comfort you can offer beyond that. Hug when she needs it, talk when she wants to, cry together when you feel it.
posted by sonic meat machine at 6:17 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Hugs to you and your mum. Grieving a relationship so close can be a long, long process and it is so very early in that process right now. There are many ways you can be supportive, and there are many ways she can seek out support, but there's really no "fixing it" and it's a classic situation where the only way out is through.
I think it's healthy to have some activities that take your mind off the overwhelmingness of the early weeks/months of intense grief--escape or distraction, if you will. Indeed, if she's got anything she can do to give her an emotional break for a bit, she's lucky and I would encourage her to do that--whether it's visiting her father and sister, or making a plan to go back to work if she has a job she likes and feels accomplished at, with supportive coworkers, or whatever her thing is. When my son died, I think I only took one week completely off work-work, then spent another month working on a single large project at about half-time so I knew I would have something to do when I was up to doing something yet wouldn't need to respond to non-stop deadlines and emails and so on. I also spent a lot of time out at the barn with my horse. I went with my surviving daughter to cheer practice and softball games. These things were so important, and were pretty much the only times of the day when I didn't feel crushed under a constant cloak of pain. The grief will still be there as soon as the momentary distraction is over. Going through the motions of life was also an important step in the path toward being able to enjoy life again, which at the time, yes, I asked myself: how will that even be possible? And yet it is.
And for goodness sake, she can cry as much as she wants or needs to! And then when the day arrives that she doesn't want or need to cry as much, that's fine too! Grief transforms over time, with a lot of ups and downs. A lot of people find it valuable to have the help of a support group or individual counselor to talk through and share the experience. That doesn't need to happen immediately, but researching available options is one thing you could concretely do to help out your mum.
Everyone's different, but personally I don't think a meditation retreat would be a helpful experience until she is much farther out from the immediate shock. I can't imagine having gotten anything positive out of intentionally spending hours a day inside my own head in those early months.
posted by drlith at 6:19 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think it's healthy to have some activities that take your mind off the overwhelmingness of the early weeks/months of intense grief--escape or distraction, if you will. Indeed, if she's got anything she can do to give her an emotional break for a bit, she's lucky and I would encourage her to do that--whether it's visiting her father and sister, or making a plan to go back to work if she has a job she likes and feels accomplished at, with supportive coworkers, or whatever her thing is. When my son died, I think I only took one week completely off work-work, then spent another month working on a single large project at about half-time so I knew I would have something to do when I was up to doing something yet wouldn't need to respond to non-stop deadlines and emails and so on. I also spent a lot of time out at the barn with my horse. I went with my surviving daughter to cheer practice and softball games. These things were so important, and were pretty much the only times of the day when I didn't feel crushed under a constant cloak of pain. The grief will still be there as soon as the momentary distraction is over. Going through the motions of life was also an important step in the path toward being able to enjoy life again, which at the time, yes, I asked myself: how will that even be possible? And yet it is.
And for goodness sake, she can cry as much as she wants or needs to! And then when the day arrives that she doesn't want or need to cry as much, that's fine too! Grief transforms over time, with a lot of ups and downs. A lot of people find it valuable to have the help of a support group or individual counselor to talk through and share the experience. That doesn't need to happen immediately, but researching available options is one thing you could concretely do to help out your mum.
Everyone's different, but personally I don't think a meditation retreat would be a helpful experience until she is much farther out from the immediate shock. I can't imagine having gotten anything positive out of intentionally spending hours a day inside my own head in those early months.
posted by drlith at 6:19 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I'm not sure it will ever be a simple thing for my mum to express that she wants to talk or cry or wants support from us. Right now it always happens when I initiate it by hugging or holding her. So it feels like something I actively do and need to decide how much to do. I don't want to overwhelm her with hugs and holding. Maybe she needs some space? (confusing)
And she's the protective kind of mother who'd get very upset if she saw me distraught and would express her own feelings less then. I have plenty of support for myself though; what I want most of all is to support her in every way I can. I'm even wondering about immediately moving to this city or spending a lot of time here.
posted by miaow at 6:24 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
And she's the protective kind of mother who'd get very upset if she saw me distraught and would express her own feelings less then. I have plenty of support for myself though; what I want most of all is to support her in every way I can. I'm even wondering about immediately moving to this city or spending a lot of time here.
posted by miaow at 6:24 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't want to overwhelm her with hugs and holding. Maybe she needs some space? (confusing)
Let her lead. If she says to stop (or otherwise seems to be pulling away), then stop. Give her space when she seems to want it.
I'm even wondering about immediately moving to this city or spending a lot of time here.
Be careful about doing this if it would mean problems for you (e.g., if you can't find a job that's just as good as your old job, or if you have to take unpaid time off work) -- that might give her even more to worry about.
posted by Etrigan at 7:27 AM on October 1, 2014
Let her lead. If she says to stop (or otherwise seems to be pulling away), then stop. Give her space when she seems to want it.
I'm even wondering about immediately moving to this city or spending a lot of time here.
Be careful about doing this if it would mean problems for you (e.g., if you can't find a job that's just as good as your old job, or if you have to take unpaid time off work) -- that might give her even more to worry about.
posted by Etrigan at 7:27 AM on October 1, 2014
I am sorry for your loss
It took my mother almost 2 years to really get over my fathers death. The world expects people to bounce back so fast. Everyone grieves in their own way. Your mother will grieve in hers. You will grieve in yours & that's OK too. All of your suggestions are good, depending, there were times my mother wanted to not think about what happened, times she'd laugh, times she'd want to sit & remember & be sad.
They are all valid states, your mother won't be in one mood all the time. When she wants to sit & talk about your Dad, then sit & talk with her. When she wants to cry, hold her & cry too if you feel for it. She is your mother, she will want to comfort you too, let her, you can both be strong for each other as needed. That's the one thing I regret after my father died, I thought I had to be the strong one for my mother & never just sat & cried with her. Let her be your mother, "being strong" helps you distance yourself a little from the pain and being your mother will be important to her and she doesn't need to feel sad all the time to heal & grieve.
She may get angry, let her. Make sure she eats. Go for walks together. If she want's peace & quiet, head off the well wishers. Try & make sure she sleeps. Make sure you & your brother sleep & eat too. This is what comfort foods are made for, eat them. Be healthy later on.
If she "forgets" and laughs, don't let her feel guilty about it, the first time my mother had fun after my Dad died she felt so guilty. Big events will suck, the first holidays will suck. Be there for her, expect them to suck, the ones after will be a little better & so on. You will start to make new traditions, combine them with the old & remember your Dad or don't if that's what your family feels to do & that's OK too.
As for you, be kind to yourself.
Don't make any big moves yet. Visit as often as you can, she will have someone in the house with her so she won't feel alone. Make sure your brother gets chance to grieve too, as he will feel he has to be strong for her. If in 6 months or a year you feel being closer would be nice for both of you then is the time to decide.
posted by wwax at 8:05 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
It took my mother almost 2 years to really get over my fathers death. The world expects people to bounce back so fast. Everyone grieves in their own way. Your mother will grieve in hers. You will grieve in yours & that's OK too. All of your suggestions are good, depending, there were times my mother wanted to not think about what happened, times she'd laugh, times she'd want to sit & remember & be sad.
They are all valid states, your mother won't be in one mood all the time. When she wants to sit & talk about your Dad, then sit & talk with her. When she wants to cry, hold her & cry too if you feel for it. She is your mother, she will want to comfort you too, let her, you can both be strong for each other as needed. That's the one thing I regret after my father died, I thought I had to be the strong one for my mother & never just sat & cried with her. Let her be your mother, "being strong" helps you distance yourself a little from the pain and being your mother will be important to her and she doesn't need to feel sad all the time to heal & grieve.
She may get angry, let her. Make sure she eats. Go for walks together. If she want's peace & quiet, head off the well wishers. Try & make sure she sleeps. Make sure you & your brother sleep & eat too. This is what comfort foods are made for, eat them. Be healthy later on.
If she "forgets" and laughs, don't let her feel guilty about it, the first time my mother had fun after my Dad died she felt so guilty. Big events will suck, the first holidays will suck. Be there for her, expect them to suck, the ones after will be a little better & so on. You will start to make new traditions, combine them with the old & remember your Dad or don't if that's what your family feels to do & that's OK too.
As for you, be kind to yourself.
Don't make any big moves yet. Visit as often as you can, she will have someone in the house with her so she won't feel alone. Make sure your brother gets chance to grieve too, as he will feel he has to be strong for her. If in 6 months or a year you feel being closer would be nice for both of you then is the time to decide.
posted by wwax at 8:05 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. A couple of things:
- Separate your grief for your father's death, your grief for your mother's loss, and your mother's grief. You are overwhelmed with the urge to DO SOMETHING, and this is absolutely normal, but you cannot force these things to act the way you want, and focusing on your mother's grief is not going to negate your own. They are all going to change in shape and size constantly over the next days and months and years.
- Different people encourage her to do different things. You may not want to actually say "Fuck off" to their faces, but "Thank you for your input" should suffice. It's not kind to tell people what to do with their grief, unless they are trying to offer advice based on their own experiences, in which case it's meant well but is still really close to being toxic. They are trying to shape your mother's grief to suit their ideas of "proper" grief. They may not really be friends or have your mother's best interests at heart. OR they may actually be very good friends who are just really shit at death and grief.
-If she resists it now, will it build up in some deep dark place in her and haunt her all her life? No, people do it all the time. We change until we die, whether we like it or not. She is allowed to change the manner in which she grieves a thousand times between now and then if she wants. It's not for anyone else to dictate.
- Try to grieve beside with your mother rather than in front or behind her. You can't do it for her, and you can't ride it like a horse. Allow her to do what she feels, even if you don't think it's right, and support her when she needs you, and accept her support when you need hers. If you want to make sure you stay open to her and encourage her to do what she wants instead of what everyone else wants her to do, that will help her remember that she has some agency in this.
- Unless finances or physical circumstances force the issue, no big life changes for a year. If you want to start planning to move there in a year, go nuts with the planning, but no commitments for a year. It's only been two days, none of you have any idea yet what real life is going to be like when the dust settles. Don't make rash decisions.
Grief Beyond Belief has some resources for secular grief support, which I know isn't the same as Buddhist, but you or she may find some useful things there that are at least not judeo-christian.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:35 AM on October 1, 2014
- Separate your grief for your father's death, your grief for your mother's loss, and your mother's grief. You are overwhelmed with the urge to DO SOMETHING, and this is absolutely normal, but you cannot force these things to act the way you want, and focusing on your mother's grief is not going to negate your own. They are all going to change in shape and size constantly over the next days and months and years.
- Different people encourage her to do different things. You may not want to actually say "Fuck off" to their faces, but "Thank you for your input" should suffice. It's not kind to tell people what to do with their grief, unless they are trying to offer advice based on their own experiences, in which case it's meant well but is still really close to being toxic. They are trying to shape your mother's grief to suit their ideas of "proper" grief. They may not really be friends or have your mother's best interests at heart. OR they may actually be very good friends who are just really shit at death and grief.
-If she resists it now, will it build up in some deep dark place in her and haunt her all her life? No, people do it all the time. We change until we die, whether we like it or not. She is allowed to change the manner in which she grieves a thousand times between now and then if she wants. It's not for anyone else to dictate.
- Try to grieve beside with your mother rather than in front or behind her. You can't do it for her, and you can't ride it like a horse. Allow her to do what she feels, even if you don't think it's right, and support her when she needs you, and accept her support when you need hers. If you want to make sure you stay open to her and encourage her to do what she wants instead of what everyone else wants her to do, that will help her remember that she has some agency in this.
- Unless finances or physical circumstances force the issue, no big life changes for a year. If you want to start planning to move there in a year, go nuts with the planning, but no commitments for a year. It's only been two days, none of you have any idea yet what real life is going to be like when the dust settles. Don't make rash decisions.
Grief Beyond Belief has some resources for secular grief support, which I know isn't the same as Buddhist, but you or she may find some useful things there that are at least not judeo-christian.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:35 AM on October 1, 2014
Otherwise tell her to ignore those people who say don't cry!
While personally I'm in favor of expressing grief, I've known Buddhists who believed in reincarnation who felt that a lot of intense or demonstrative grief might interfere with the progress of the deceased person to the bardo / the next life -- so I'm wondering if some of the folks in the ostensibly non-religious meditation group might be less secular than your parents, and that might be where they're coming from (rather than being simply uncomfortable with the grief, which is the take some in this thread seem to be implying).
I'm very sorry for your loss, and it's great you're being so thoughtful about your mother's suffering. Take care of yourself too.
posted by aught at 8:50 AM on October 1, 2014
While personally I'm in favor of expressing grief, I've known Buddhists who believed in reincarnation who felt that a lot of intense or demonstrative grief might interfere with the progress of the deceased person to the bardo / the next life -- so I'm wondering if some of the folks in the ostensibly non-religious meditation group might be less secular than your parents, and that might be where they're coming from (rather than being simply uncomfortable with the grief, which is the take some in this thread seem to be implying).
I'm very sorry for your loss, and it's great you're being so thoughtful about your mother's suffering. Take care of yourself too.
posted by aught at 8:50 AM on October 1, 2014
I lost my dad at 63 just two years ago. He'd had some heart issues that weren't supposed to be life-threatening and he went in for surgery to correct them. They told us the surgery was a success, then everything went south and he never woke up. So very recently I've had to help my mom through something similar.
My mom and I talked pretty much nonstop our entire drive back from the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota (where my Dad had been getting treatment) back to the Mid-South and this was the plan we came up with. First, it was agreed she was in charge and she could make any decision she liked about anything with my full backing, including the right not to choose... she could just tell me to take care of a decision and I would without another word; and second, we adopted a strict "One Thing at a Time Policy." What about Dad's clothes? Doesn't matter. Right now, Mom is taking care of changing the mortgage. Etc. I was to be the traffic cop who enforced these rules, acting as a buffer to keep people from overwhelming her.
These two things were conditions of her devising. It was really important to her that her decisions on things would be respected, that she could delegate stuff she found trifling or upsetting, and that we didn't bombard her with too much at once.
Maybe these things would help in your mom's case. But even more than these specific things, I think you could maybe borrow the broader outline and just sit down with a talk with your mom and find out what kind of support she feels she is going to need. And then just step up and do that. It's probably simpler than you imagine. Simple does not mean easy, though.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:15 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
My mom and I talked pretty much nonstop our entire drive back from the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota (where my Dad had been getting treatment) back to the Mid-South and this was the plan we came up with. First, it was agreed she was in charge and she could make any decision she liked about anything with my full backing, including the right not to choose... she could just tell me to take care of a decision and I would without another word; and second, we adopted a strict "One Thing at a Time Policy." What about Dad's clothes? Doesn't matter. Right now, Mom is taking care of changing the mortgage. Etc. I was to be the traffic cop who enforced these rules, acting as a buffer to keep people from overwhelming her.
These two things were conditions of her devising. It was really important to her that her decisions on things would be respected, that she could delegate stuff she found trifling or upsetting, and that we didn't bombard her with too much at once.
Maybe these things would help in your mom's case. But even more than these specific things, I think you could maybe borrow the broader outline and just sit down with a talk with your mom and find out what kind of support she feels she is going to need. And then just step up and do that. It's probably simpler than you imagine. Simple does not mean easy, though.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:15 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you or your mother are at all in doubt about this point, suppressing tears and grief is not a Buddhist teaching or a Vipassana practice.
I practice Vipassana as well, and when I have gone on Vipassana retreats, crying is something that often happens even to those who have not suffers a recent loss. It's accepted as something that's just part of the process, not something to be discouraged. How much more so, then, in your mother's situation?
Sure, over the long term the Buddha encourages a dwindling/elimination of attachment, but there's a huge difference between *suppressing emotions* and *eradication of attachment*; the one does not lead to the other.
My sympathies to you and your family for your loss.
posted by Amy NM at 1:21 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I practice Vipassana as well, and when I have gone on Vipassana retreats, crying is something that often happens even to those who have not suffers a recent loss. It's accepted as something that's just part of the process, not something to be discouraged. How much more so, then, in your mother's situation?
Sure, over the long term the Buddha encourages a dwindling/elimination of attachment, but there's a huge difference between *suppressing emotions* and *eradication of attachment*; the one does not lead to the other.
My sympathies to you and your family for your loss.
posted by Amy NM at 1:21 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all so much for your lovely words: very helpful to get some advice from strangers on the internet right now :). Things change so much from one day to the next: I'll have to take each day as it comes.
posted by miaow at 1:03 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by miaow at 1:03 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
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As far as your aunt and your grandfather, encourage your mother to do exactly as she pleases. There are no wrong answers there. If she feels that the comfort of her family is exactly what she needs, super. If she feels like it would be too overwhelming and stressful for her, then she should stay home.
It's only been two days. My MIL was an emotional mess for a year after my FIL died.
Stay as long as you can, or until it seems that things are getting to a new normal.
Don't make any big financial decisions for at least a year. No one is thinking clearly right now.
I will say that after a few years, that my MIL met someone who is now her companion. She is very happy in her life, and she still loves and honors my FIL. Her strong religious beliefs allow her to know that they will be reunited again in the next life.
I'm so sorry for your family, please accept my condolences, this is trully terrible.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:08 AM on October 1, 2014 [6 favorites]