Is my husband trying to kill me?
January 17, 2009 7:31 PM Subscribe
Is my husband trying to kill me?
I know I'm being totally paranoid and insecure and yet here I sit writing this. Please help bring me back to reality. I apologize for the length.
A quick history (since I think it's relevant to why I feel like I do): My husband and I have been married less than a year. We had a whirlwind romance and he proposed to me after 3 months of dating and we were married shortly after that. My husband is quite frankly just an awesome guy. He is brilliant, nice, incredibly good looking, has tons of friends, and is the poster child of his family. Quite frankly everybody loves him and he is just one of those guys that has it all. Now me, I am just very very average - especially in the looks and body department. I have never had many close friends (but it never bothered me). I am an only child and lost both parents in auto accident (drunk driver) and so do not have much of a family. From the beginning I have never quite understood what my husband saw in me (I've seen some of his previous girlfriends and they all looked like super models) but was always so happy that he did.
Shortly after we got married my husband discussed getting large life insurance policies on both of us. He said that they'd be cheapest to get now while we are young and that way we'd both know that our children would always be well cared for. I agreed and we obtained the policies. We are holding off on children so far because my husband wants to wait a little longer and enjoy our time just with each other.
About two months after we were married we went sailing for a week in a tropical climate(I'm trying to leave some details out because I worry someone who knows us may read this). I've never sailed before but my husband has quite a bit. Anyway, on the fourth day it was quite windy and I was helping my husband rig everything. I was bringing in a line of the side of the boat facing the water when the sail boom (and it was quite a large one) came violently across the boat and smacked me just below my neck throwing me overboard. I was a little dazed, it was quite wavy and for a few moments as I struggled in the water to get my head up I actually thought I was going to die. It seemed like it took for ever for my husband to get turned around and come back to get me. But he did and saved me. At the time was so grateful to my husband for saving me and he felt so bad and kept apologizing profuselfy. He said there had been a sudden gust of wind that caused the accidental jibe. I had some bruises but was overall in good shape and did my best to enjoy the rest of our Island hopping.
About two months after that trip we went on a camping/hiking trip to another country. It was quite beautiful but the trails we hiked were very rugged, narrow and often right next to sheer cliffs. The terrain was absolutely gorgeous. Consistently throughout the hike my husband cajoled and teasted me to come to the edge of this cliff or that cliff and look how beautiful it was. But I'm terrifed of heights and was never able to. We had a great time and it was one of the most memorable trips I've ever had.
About a month ago I could have potentially died from carbon monoxide poising. My husband usually leaves for work before I do. We live in a small single level home and the master bedroom is very close to the attached garage. This particular morning he pulled his car out of the garage to warm it up. As he was getting ready to leave he grabbed some cash from my purse as he went out the front door and must have hit the autostart on my keychain which started my car. The door to the garage from the house was open (which was not uncommon since if it didn't latch all the way it opens). About a half hour after he left I had just gotten out of the shower and thought I smelled exhaust. I went to the garage door and to my horror saw the car running. I immediately called my husband and he told me to open all the windows, go sit right at one of the
windows and he'd be right home (he was very comforting and always seems to handle problems so well). He came home and we figured out what must have happened. I felt ok so we didn't go to the hospital.
Lately I just cannot quit wondering whether my husband is trying to kill me. He shows me so much love in everyway but I keep wondering nonetheless and feel quite guilty about it. I've been replaying (and amplifying) these three events in my head and my thoughts have become a little paranoid concerning them. Concerning the sailing accident, I keep questioning why I didn't hear a warning that the mast was coming and why he didn't have us wearing life jackets is such bad weather, and why he didn't throw a life preserver to me immediately (I've been reading online that there is a specific procedure to be followed for man overboard). I also now remember that as I sat there screaming it seemed like my husband never looked back. And finally I remember that after I was back on board I could see another boat in the distance that I hadn't seen before I fell off. I keep wondering if perhaps he was going to leave me but then saw the other boat and turned around. I'm certain I'm amplyfing all of this in my head but I cannot seem to quit thinking about it.
Concerning the hiking I've been wondering why he kept trying over and over again to get me to the edge of the cliff. In fact I keep wondering if he was planning to push me off. Never once was someone around when he asked me to the edge and each time it seemed like it was in the very most dangerous place. I told him over and over that I would never go to the edge but he persisted.
Concerning the car incident, I keep wondering how he didn't hear the car start as he left. I also keep wondering why throughout the last month he was always forgetting to shut the door all the way. I never have troube shutting it. Was he just doing it so it wouldn't look suspicious when it was open if he tried to gas me? And why did he need cash from my purse? He always kept a large amount of cash on him and replenished if it got at all low. Why did he let his cash get so low? And how did he inadvertently hit the button? It's actually recessed a little and I have to firmly press it. And why did we get the autostart? I never use it and neither does he. We did get it on both cars but was this just more for show?
Finally, I keep wondering why he fell in love with me. He could have anyone. Was it because I have no family and no one to miss me?
After I started thinking more and more about this I decided to suggest we drop the life insurance policies to save money until we had kids. But he felt it was a bad idea since we'd be having kids soon and would have to go through everything again and probably pay more. I suggested that maybe we should just reduce the amount since I'd never need that much money but he said he wants to make sure I'm taken care of. Finally I said let's have kids now. But he still wants to wait and just enjoy our time together. In these talks he was always very nice and loving and just explained his thoughts. After each one I felt better but then the thoughts creep back.
I thought a little about creating a document and giving it to the lawyer with my will outlinging my fears so if I had an accidental death it would be investigated. But then I thought about the pain it would bring my husband if I was wrong (which I'm certain I probably am) to know that I had been thinking this. I decided that even if there was a 1% chance I was wrong it wouldn't be worth the pain I'd cause. I also thought about seeing a therapist, but quite frankly other than this I really don't have any major problems and so I wondered what I'd tell my husband I was seeing the therapist about (and quite frankly I don't want to lie to him).
And so, that is where I'm at. My husband is loving, thoughtful, and wonderful to be around and yet I keep wondering if he is trying to kill me. Please help me stop.