How to avoid getting caught up in gossip and back stabbing at work?
September 23, 2014 5:48 AM Subscribe
I am half at fault for this. My desire to be liked and accepted has led me to participate in making fun of people that I shouldn't. I have now seen the error of my ways.
I work in an enviroment that is highly hostile and gossipy, with people with all kinds of grudges that were there before I started. I love my job and am good at it. Dealing with people is another story.
All senior managers like me because my productivity is high and I need little direction. One in particular is a little arrogant and has little tolerance for BS so a lot of people dislike him. He has always been fair to me. There are a number of people that keep coming to my office to make fun of him and also gossip about others that they are "friends" with on the surface. I never encouraged those visits nor do I ever visit them back. Frankly they always made me a little uncomfortable because I know that these same people will/are do it to me in a heartbeat.
They would come around and sit down for a chat (uninvited) and the subject will always turn to gossip. I have over time let my guard down and with their prompting started making fun of that senior manager in particular. I don't dislike him but his arrogance makes it easy to imitate the way he speaks and make fun of some of his ideas that he thinks are great. I would also sometimes add little anecdotes from our meetings that were particularly arrogant/funny. While it's not malicious from my side, I have no doubt that he wouldn't be pleased if it came back to him and these things always do.
The problem is, that the expectation is now for me to always make fun of him. I also work with these people really closely so distancing is not practical. Senior management always singles me out for compliments and I can see my co-workers being a little bitter about it.
Give me some advice on how to correct my behaviour and become a cool professional. Or is it too late now? I worry that pulling back from these "co-worker chats" will only paint a target on my back.
I work in an enviroment that is highly hostile and gossipy, with people with all kinds of grudges that were there before I started. I love my job and am good at it. Dealing with people is another story.
All senior managers like me because my productivity is high and I need little direction. One in particular is a little arrogant and has little tolerance for BS so a lot of people dislike him. He has always been fair to me. There are a number of people that keep coming to my office to make fun of him and also gossip about others that they are "friends" with on the surface. I never encouraged those visits nor do I ever visit them back. Frankly they always made me a little uncomfortable because I know that these same people will/are do it to me in a heartbeat.
They would come around and sit down for a chat (uninvited) and the subject will always turn to gossip. I have over time let my guard down and with their prompting started making fun of that senior manager in particular. I don't dislike him but his arrogance makes it easy to imitate the way he speaks and make fun of some of his ideas that he thinks are great. I would also sometimes add little anecdotes from our meetings that were particularly arrogant/funny. While it's not malicious from my side, I have no doubt that he wouldn't be pleased if it came back to him and these things always do.
The problem is, that the expectation is now for me to always make fun of him. I also work with these people really closely so distancing is not practical. Senior management always singles me out for compliments and I can see my co-workers being a little bitter about it.
Give me some advice on how to correct my behaviour and become a cool professional. Or is it too late now? I worry that pulling back from these "co-worker chats" will only paint a target on my back.
Just stop making fun of him. Tell the gossips, "Well, everybody has their quirks. He does a lot of good for the company." What is this "target on my back" concept? Stop pretending to enjoy talking to the jerks.
posted by JimN2TAW at 5:59 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by JimN2TAW at 5:59 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I worry that pulling back from these "co-worker chats" will only paint a target on my back.
It's a matter of the way you pull back. Being super-busy is always a good way to avoid such things, and "super-busy" is easy enough to fake, whenever you see the group coming toward you. Grab your laptop and head off to a conference room, or suddenly get a "call" on your cell phone or just be typing, typing, typing away at your desk.
Second, learn to be Switzerland with these folks. Listening and saying, "Oh, really? Wow!" and having nothing to contribute back will soon bore them. Don't try to curb their behavior, because that's not your job. Just make yourself as dull as possible when they're talking about things you don't want to talk about.
A third tactic is to be so interesting in other things that they forget to gossip with you. "Wow, that reminds me of the time someone I know went over a cliff on a llama while juggling turnips!" Turn the conversation to something else, and they'll never realize that you're not gossiping right back.
posted by xingcat at 6:00 AM on September 23, 2014 [36 favorites]
It's a matter of the way you pull back. Being super-busy is always a good way to avoid such things, and "super-busy" is easy enough to fake, whenever you see the group coming toward you. Grab your laptop and head off to a conference room, or suddenly get a "call" on your cell phone or just be typing, typing, typing away at your desk.
Second, learn to be Switzerland with these folks. Listening and saying, "Oh, really? Wow!" and having nothing to contribute back will soon bore them. Don't try to curb their behavior, because that's not your job. Just make yourself as dull as possible when they're talking about things you don't want to talk about.
A third tactic is to be so interesting in other things that they forget to gossip with you. "Wow, that reminds me of the time someone I know went over a cliff on a llama while juggling turnips!" Turn the conversation to something else, and they'll never realize that you're not gossiping right back.
posted by xingcat at 6:00 AM on September 23, 2014 [36 favorites]
That's great, actually - congratulations on seeing the harm that this kind of conversation can cause, and wanting to do something about it. Other suggestions of how to say neutral things, and/or positive things, are good. I also suggest making your office less conducive to chat by always talking about work (manager gossip? Say, have you done those TPS reports yet? When you fill out this form, how do you do line 7? Have you called up Steve about that thing yet?) and to always find a reason to leave your office 2 minutes after they arrive (Oh, nice talking with you, but I've gotta run this over to Cathy. Time for coffee - let's walk over to the coffee maker.) If you escort them out of your office into a "public" space, that's going to cut down on gossip. If you feel that your objection to gossip as being mean/untrue will set you up as a no-fun target, you can give them "shocked" shushing gestures, with the implication that you could totally gossip, just not right now or right here.
posted by aimedwander at 6:17 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by aimedwander at 6:17 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Decline to take part in gossip. If someone comes into your office to gossip move the conversation to more productive pursuits. Eventually people will get the message.
posted by dfriedman at 6:37 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by dfriedman at 6:37 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
I agree with Xingcat. In addition, if you're allowed in your workplace to listen to music via earbuds, then be "distracted" by that. If you have headphones in and someone starts talking to you, pretend not to hear them at first, then say "Oh! Sorry, I didn't hear you! Just busy working! Did you need something?" and don't remove your headphones.
Granted, this may not work every time or should be used every time, but it's good to start out if you feel unable to be busy without another barrier of people talking to you. If you use this method (and are allowed to) be sure to be attentive in general in case someone actually needs to talk to you about work related things.
I've had to do this in my office, even though the people trying to talk to me aren't overly gossipy, but my office is trying to cut down on chatter and they'll literally walk into the room just to talk. Half the time my headphones aren't playing anything since if they're talking to my office-mate, I then can't hear my podcast so I click pause until they leave. They'll generally wave at me and I'll nod. Problem solved.
posted by Crystalinne at 6:44 AM on September 23, 2014
Granted, this may not work every time or should be used every time, but it's good to start out if you feel unable to be busy without another barrier of people talking to you. If you use this method (and are allowed to) be sure to be attentive in general in case someone actually needs to talk to you about work related things.
I've had to do this in my office, even though the people trying to talk to me aren't overly gossipy, but my office is trying to cut down on chatter and they'll literally walk into the room just to talk. Half the time my headphones aren't playing anything since if they're talking to my office-mate, I then can't hear my podcast so I click pause until they leave. They'll generally wave at me and I'll nod. Problem solved.
posted by Crystalinne at 6:44 AM on September 23, 2014
There are a number of people that keep coming to my office to make fun of him and also gossip about others that they are "friends" with on the surface. I never encouraged those visits nor do I ever visit them back.
Never underestimate the power of leaving things like a briefcase or coat on your visitor chair. Find yourself in need of the restroom when you want to cut these visits short. Which sounds like it should be always.
posted by phearlez at 6:47 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Never underestimate the power of leaving things like a briefcase or coat on your visitor chair. Find yourself in need of the restroom when you want to cut these visits short. Which sounds like it should be always.
posted by phearlez at 6:47 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Tell them [someone whose authority they're scared of] said something to you about your frequent visitors and that they're watching you, so they should probably...go.
Works like a charm, will be spread to everyone else in minutes, reminds people that they aren't doing this in a vacuum.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:23 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Works like a charm, will be spread to everyone else in minutes, reminds people that they aren't doing this in a vacuum.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:23 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Since you've become somewhat chummy with these people, you might be able to say something very gentle to encourage them to consider their behavior. Of course, it must be very kind, and also communicat that you think well of them (although they have their faults, we all do, and they of course have good qualities also).
Definitely do it one-to-one, not addressing the group. Then you can reassure the person that you like him or her, or at least that you respect him/her, or that he/she is a good person.
Maybe something like, "It's been so fun talking with you and Jan. Your insights really help me, and I have to say your wit in particular always makes the day so much better! Then I really feel able to focus." (or compliment the person's dress sense, or inspirational problem-solving ability, or ability to get things done, or to motivate or charm others -- whatever is true about them).
Then maybe something like, "I know this is going to sound weird, but I've started to feel really guilty about making fun of X. It's completely normal to talk about work problems at work, and people -- especially supervisors -- are part of that, but while you are just inside the good-taste line, I think I've really crossed it, and, I know this is silly, but it's really starting to, well, bother me. Do you think you could possibly help me out and, if you catch me going too far, maybe raise your eyebrows at me, or take me aside? I *love* it when we all laugh together, and I think I get carried away because I'm having such a good time."
Just make sure they don't feel that you're judging them as people.
Then, maybe install a basketball hoop on your trash can, or find some other way to connect with your co-workers; you don't necessarily need to flee them. You can be a very kind, very warm, optimistic, caring leader.
posted by amtho at 7:27 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
Definitely do it one-to-one, not addressing the group. Then you can reassure the person that you like him or her, or at least that you respect him/her, or that he/she is a good person.
Maybe something like, "It's been so fun talking with you and Jan. Your insights really help me, and I have to say your wit in particular always makes the day so much better! Then I really feel able to focus." (or compliment the person's dress sense, or inspirational problem-solving ability, or ability to get things done, or to motivate or charm others -- whatever is true about them).
Then maybe something like, "I know this is going to sound weird, but I've started to feel really guilty about making fun of X. It's completely normal to talk about work problems at work, and people -- especially supervisors -- are part of that, but while you are just inside the good-taste line, I think I've really crossed it, and, I know this is silly, but it's really starting to, well, bother me. Do you think you could possibly help me out and, if you catch me going too far, maybe raise your eyebrows at me, or take me aside? I *love* it when we all laugh together, and I think I get carried away because I'm having such a good time."
Just make sure they don't feel that you're judging them as people.
Then, maybe install a basketball hoop on your trash can, or find some other way to connect with your co-workers; you don't necessarily need to flee them. You can be a very kind, very warm, optimistic, caring leader.
posted by amtho at 7:27 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
It's never too late to stop enabling the gossips. You are always in charge of your own boundaries. Sounds like you need to do more to actively shut this down.
But why fib about it? You've said you work in "an enviroment that is highly hostile and gossipy" and you already know those gossipy gossips are also gossiping about you, too. No need to lie to these folks, just set your boundaries:
"Them: [enters your office] Steve is such an arrogant dude with shitty ideas.
You: Steve has always been fair to me.
Them: But, but... Steve sucks.
You: Steve has always been fair to me. [You stand up after saying this, and move towards the door, opening your arm towards it as if to gesture the other person out.]
Them: But, but... Steve sucks.
You: [remain standing until the person leaves your office] That's pretty harsh, Bob. It would really hurt Steve's feelings if he knew you were going around saying that. Wow.
Them: But, but... Steve sucks. (blah, blah snore).
You: Can I quote you on that? (chuckle).
Them: But, but...
You: As I said, Steve has always been fair to me, and I'd rather not throw the guy under the bus. Hey, gotta make some calls - catch up with you later, Bob."
posted by hush at 7:44 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
But why fib about it? You've said you work in "an enviroment that is highly hostile and gossipy" and you already know those gossipy gossips are also gossiping about you, too. No need to lie to these folks, just set your boundaries:
"Them: [enters your office] Steve is such an arrogant dude with shitty ideas.
You: Steve has always been fair to me.
Them: But, but... Steve sucks.
You: Steve has always been fair to me. [You stand up after saying this, and move towards the door, opening your arm towards it as if to gesture the other person out.]
Them: But, but... Steve sucks.
You: [remain standing until the person leaves your office] That's pretty harsh, Bob. It would really hurt Steve's feelings if he knew you were going around saying that. Wow.
Them: But, but... Steve sucks. (blah, blah snore).
You: Can I quote you on that? (chuckle).
Them: But, but...
You: As I said, Steve has always been fair to me, and I'd rather not throw the guy under the bus. Hey, gotta make some calls - catch up with you later, Bob."
posted by hush at 7:44 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Having been on the side of the jokes and in the last year coming into a managment position, this is difficult situation to be in.
Talking and joking about people should be one of those things that you do, but only if you would say those exact jokes around the person. Gossip is childish, and if you can't recipricate those harmless jokes in front of the person you're joking about, than it isn't a joke at all and it's down right mean.
The only way I would suggest getting away from it a little, is by ignoring it. Also, perhaps mention that you're trying to work on your good karma.
If you never said it, it can't come back to bite you in the ass anymore right?
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 7:53 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Talking and joking about people should be one of those things that you do, but only if you would say those exact jokes around the person. Gossip is childish, and if you can't recipricate those harmless jokes in front of the person you're joking about, than it isn't a joke at all and it's down right mean.
The only way I would suggest getting away from it a little, is by ignoring it. Also, perhaps mention that you're trying to work on your good karma.
If you never said it, it can't come back to bite you in the ass anymore right?
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 7:53 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
If they'll gossip with you, they'll gossip about you.
Kudos to you for wanting to find a way out of that morass.
Keeping busy and making more money is the best revenge.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 8:24 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Kudos to you for wanting to find a way out of that morass.
Keeping busy and making more money is the best revenge.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 8:24 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
Keep deflecting, giving them no more fodder. They'll lose interest in you. Smile and be pleasant throughout.
- So how was the meeting? Did Steve do that weird thing he always does?
- He was pretty serious. He was talking about Project X and made some important points. Did you know that project X is supposed to start a week early?
- he's such an arrogant ass.
- speaking of asses, did you guys see that ad on tv with the naked butts?
- did you see Steve doing his "big boss" pose?
- hm...can't say that I have, no. Oh, must run, boss wants a paperclip.
I wouldn't emphasize how well you get along with Steve, though, lest you start rumours of an office romance.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:59 AM on September 23, 2014
- So how was the meeting? Did Steve do that weird thing he always does?
- He was pretty serious. He was talking about Project X and made some important points. Did you know that project X is supposed to start a week early?
- he's such an arrogant ass.
- speaking of asses, did you guys see that ad on tv with the naked butts?
- did you see Steve doing his "big boss" pose?
- hm...can't say that I have, no. Oh, must run, boss wants a paperclip.
I wouldn't emphasize how well you get along with Steve, though, lest you start rumours of an office romance.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:59 AM on September 23, 2014
Become That Person Who Always Talks About Work. When your colleagues start in on someone, talk about that project you were involved in with them. Do this for a long time, going past the point at which they're edging for the door. Bore them to tears with minutiae about what was done, how long it took, the budgets, spreadsheets, anything that is related to the project and is uninteresting.
It's very easy to get caught up in backstabbing. I left a job a few weeks ago after being in a similar situation. I got around it by always cracking jokes and making people laugh. They got their dose of interaction and went on their way a little happier. Or just smiling and nodding when they said something nasty. Or feigning ignorance and changing the subject, like someone just broke wind in front of you and you don't want to embarrass them.
With gossipers, the fact that you exist means you have a target on your back. You can be as nice as pie to some folk and they'll hate you for it. It's just another form of bullying, and it works because people are scared to go against the bully. People pull their drawbridges up and start attacking lest they be attacked. In my experience, it only takes one bad apple to spoil the barrel. Now you're aware of the situation, you can rise above it. I think that a lot of your colleagues are actually feeling the same way you do, that if they stop they'll end up being attacked. It just takes someone to show how to behave professionally and other people will hopefully join in.
Your colleagues will still gossip about you, as gossipers are wont to do, but anyone overhearing with just hear about how devoted to your job you are. They won't gossip TO you though, because you're not playing the game. You're making it actively unpleasant for them to come and jabber at you, because you're not engaging with them and are making them want to leave. Do that a few times and people will get the hint. You're not withdrawing from people, in fact quite the opposite. What you are doing is making them withdraw from you. If the worst thing they can say about you is that you're working hard at your job, then you're in a pretty good situation.
The important thing is that your boss is praising you. Remember that when someone is mean, think of your pay at the end of the month and remind yourself that you're not as nasty as some.
posted by Solomon at 10:52 AM on September 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
It's very easy to get caught up in backstabbing. I left a job a few weeks ago after being in a similar situation. I got around it by always cracking jokes and making people laugh. They got their dose of interaction and went on their way a little happier. Or just smiling and nodding when they said something nasty. Or feigning ignorance and changing the subject, like someone just broke wind in front of you and you don't want to embarrass them.
With gossipers, the fact that you exist means you have a target on your back. You can be as nice as pie to some folk and they'll hate you for it. It's just another form of bullying, and it works because people are scared to go against the bully. People pull their drawbridges up and start attacking lest they be attacked. In my experience, it only takes one bad apple to spoil the barrel. Now you're aware of the situation, you can rise above it. I think that a lot of your colleagues are actually feeling the same way you do, that if they stop they'll end up being attacked. It just takes someone to show how to behave professionally and other people will hopefully join in.
Your colleagues will still gossip about you, as gossipers are wont to do, but anyone overhearing with just hear about how devoted to your job you are. They won't gossip TO you though, because you're not playing the game. You're making it actively unpleasant for them to come and jabber at you, because you're not engaging with them and are making them want to leave. Do that a few times and people will get the hint. You're not withdrawing from people, in fact quite the opposite. What you are doing is making them withdraw from you. If the worst thing they can say about you is that you're working hard at your job, then you're in a pretty good situation.
The important thing is that your boss is praising you. Remember that when someone is mean, think of your pay at the end of the month and remind yourself that you're not as nasty as some.
posted by Solomon at 10:52 AM on September 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
Keep a mental list of jokes, news, and other distractions. Hmmm, yeah, so, I'm doing an announcement for the thing, which font looks better? Also, bland responses can include, Oh, you're such a kidder, It sure takes all kinds, People are amazing, aren't they. Things like Well, company time and all, back to work are a reminder that you are at work to work.
If you can analyze his behavior, maybe you can make a little lemonade out of lemons. Blah, blah, can you believe he said blah? Yeah, Guy is so focused, he can be a little random. Or even, You know, all kidding aside, Guy and I work pretty well together. Anything I can do to smooth things for you? and the occasional Geez, what do you guys say about *me* when I'm not around?
Try to appeal to the better nature of the gossips, though some people do amaze me with their power to be nasty jerks. It's always a good idea to document your own good work, in case it does come to back-stabbing, and if others behave in a way that is actionable - sexist, racist, age-ist, etc., or stealing from the company, keep notes. I have had to learn that the best defense is a having a good offense available.
posted by theora55 at 12:37 PM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you can analyze his behavior, maybe you can make a little lemonade out of lemons. Blah, blah, can you believe he said blah? Yeah, Guy is so focused, he can be a little random. Or even, You know, all kidding aside, Guy and I work pretty well together. Anything I can do to smooth things for you? and the occasional Geez, what do you guys say about *me* when I'm not around?
Try to appeal to the better nature of the gossips, though some people do amaze me with their power to be nasty jerks. It's always a good idea to document your own good work, in case it does come to back-stabbing, and if others behave in a way that is actionable - sexist, racist, age-ist, etc., or stealing from the company, keep notes. I have had to learn that the best defense is a having a good offense available.
posted by theora55 at 12:37 PM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Its a fine line, but I find being lightly sardonic tends to disarm the worst sort of behaviour in others, its especially useful when you can point it back to them
"Hmm, I wonder what he has to say about you / us"
"I only remember when you did x embarrasing thing"
"How's your x coming along?"
"That's a lovely shirt by the way"
Usually effectively makes the point that you're not up for it, but with humor rather than sanctimony.
posted by Middlemarch at 1:43 PM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
"Hmm, I wonder what he has to say about you / us"
"I only remember when you did x embarrasing thing"
"How's your x coming along?"
"That's a lovely shirt by the way"
Usually effectively makes the point that you're not up for it, but with humor rather than sanctimony.
posted by Middlemarch at 1:43 PM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm a diverter. I want to deflect, reflect and divert attention away from gossip.
If someone drops by to gossip, be friendly and not judgy, "That sounds juicy, but dude, we have to knock this off. If even 1/4th of the shit we've been talking about Boss gets back to him, we're hosed."
Or, "I get it, Boss can be so nasty, but she's got the rank and who knows what shit she's dealing with. I'm trying to have a better attitude so I'm going to keep my head down and keep on keeping on. How's that Excel you were working on, did that formula work?'
You want to not act holier than thou, so make it more of a self-preservation move, than some kind of moral stand.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:35 PM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
If someone drops by to gossip, be friendly and not judgy, "That sounds juicy, but dude, we have to knock this off. If even 1/4th of the shit we've been talking about Boss gets back to him, we're hosed."
Or, "I get it, Boss can be so nasty, but she's got the rank and who knows what shit she's dealing with. I'm trying to have a better attitude so I'm going to keep my head down and keep on keeping on. How's that Excel you were working on, did that formula work?'
You want to not act holier than thou, so make it more of a self-preservation move, than some kind of moral stand.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:35 PM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
A fellow I work with flat-out refuses to participate in office gossip. He just says "I don't talk about others behind their backs" and that's it. I really admire that attitude, and always feel comfortable talking to him about any work topic due to this.
Maybe you could say to the gossips who come to you that you've made a mistake by gossiping, regret it, and won't be participating in it anymore. In a nice, warm, non-judgmental way of course. Then bring up a safe work issue or talk about cute kittens or something inoffensive.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 4:38 PM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Maybe you could say to the gossips who come to you that you've made a mistake by gossiping, regret it, and won't be participating in it anymore. In a nice, warm, non-judgmental way of course. Then bring up a safe work issue or talk about cute kittens or something inoffensive.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 4:38 PM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think we work at the same place. It is difficult to pull away from catty people unnoticed, if they catch wind you aren't on their team they will turn on you with a vengeance. I would agree with the advice above suggesting that you remain chatty but do not express your own opinion. Saying "oh wow" or something like this in response to gossip does not mean you agree nor disagree. Other options:
Oh geez, really?!
Holy smackers!
Get out of town!
Shut the front door!
Man, please!
This should be combined with a slow turn toward your computer and return to very important project that needs to be finished ASAP.
posted by waving at 6:13 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh geez, really?!
Holy smackers!
Get out of town!
Shut the front door!
Man, please!
This should be combined with a slow turn toward your computer and return to very important project that needs to be finished ASAP.
posted by waving at 6:13 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
There have got to be some co-workers who aren't playing these games. Align yourself with them.
If your managers are any good, these people will get busted for one thing or another and be gone eventually. If they're not, and this is par for the course, time to start looking for another job. One of management's jobs is to help minimize how toxic the workplace is.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:56 AM on September 23, 2014 [4 favorites]